Breaking the Habit

So I had my last cigarette yesterday, it has been over 24 hours. I am not really as bad as I thought I would be. I have been chewing gum and mints to keep myself busy. I've had small cravings but the main thing is just the habit. I have been breaking lots of habits lately, I guess I might as well hit them all as fast as possible. Stop smoking, don't drink as much, don't give my heart away, get in shape, remain active, don't mope around and be lazy and depressed. Hopefully I will be getting my security deposit back this week in which I will use a portion to get a half sleeve tattoo, and perhaps buy a better digital camera since mine sucks ass. I need to turn in my applications to see if I can be a Waiter or bartender, which isn't glamorous but will help me get more social skills and be enough to help pay my bills. Then this fall I will start college, I will actually be sitting in a classroom and everything and be a real college student, like in Van Wilder!! I wish. I will be getting an EMS certification and then maybe go for RN or something that will make some more money. I loved working with Radiation because I could be lazy as shit and make good money but I think I need more of a sense of accomplishment now, I want to help people. Many people have helped me alot on my journey thus far though life, I want to help others. I kind want to do the psychiatrist thing, maybe I can be a nurse or something there and help restrain crazy people, who knows. I've got limited plans at the moment and just trying to stay in the moment, with small plans so I won't be too upset when they change. I am sore as hell, I went away for the weekend with an old friend and his friends. Did some drinking but I wasn't alone and it wasn't too much, and we did some tubing and just had fun, it was a great weekend. It was a nice break and getaway. Things have been getting pretty monotonous, hopefully a job or something will help. Well I guess that is all for now, no one reads anymore anyway except Uncle Tom and Dan, thanks guys for continuing to offer advise and such!!

The set up

So far Ohio hasn't been to bad but as I said before at least I have more distractions and people to talk to than my last days in Maryland. It's been over a week and last night was the first night I got to sleep in my new place. Amuzingly its not as quiet here as it was in Maryland. I have new scars covering my body. I have been constantly working on the apartment to keep myself occupied busting my knuckles all along the way. I electrocuted myself the other day installing ceiling fans even though there was no power to the lines, I have no clue how that happened, I've stabbed myself with broken lightbulbs, I burnt my back working on the roof, I just keep moving. Until last night Friday night here alone, I sat on my chair next to the window listening to the sounds around me, sweating my ass off from not having an air conditioner in the living room only in the bedrrom. I sat and took turns reading my book, playing my guitar, and just watching tv. It was a little lonely but it was also a little conforting. I can sit here with my body sore and my mind clear and just be. But as soon as I get in bed no matter how tired I am, I just toss and turn and still can't get to sleep. My mind is still aching and still toiling over the events that put me here and now. Tonight me and my parents are going gambling in Indiana, my mom made a comment thatr she got me my own room if I wanted someone to go with me, I said I have no one to go with. She said she felt bad that I am stuck hanging out with them, I just smiled and said at least I have you guys. I've forgotten how important my family is. My parents don't have much money yet they have probably spent at least a thousand dollars repairing this old apartment for me. My dad has been getting up at 5am and working til 730 or 8 then before eating would come upstairs and keep working on the plumming or whatever still needed to be done. Its actually bringing tears to my eyes right now. After losing someone I love, I forgot about the others who love me even more than I could realize. My time I have been spending with my son has been good we only had one fight about him eating lettuce and tomato. Though I was very irritaed and he was throwing a fit like I was trying to kill him I could only laugh at the silliness of it all. I have yet to see any of my friends here nor make new ones, I still haven't even attempted to find a job, I am quickly running out of money, but it doesn't seem to bother me much. Suprisingly it is a little different than before. It's not the "I don't give a fuck" attitude that has brought me to depression many times before, It's more of a " I don't need to worry myself, everything will work out" attitude that I so needed at many points in my life. The apartment is finished, now its time to work on me, my body, my mind, my carrer, my relationship with my family and my son. I need to learn how to not let my past failures haunt my dreams.