A Lot of Nothingness

Alcohol...

2010-12-17T09:26:00.002-05:00

SO if you've read anything on this blog you know that I like alcohol. I enjoy drinking and when I drink a lot I do various dumb things that turn into great stories but also make me into an ass. Well here is what happened last weekend. My girlfriend and I have been fighting a bit, nothing really bad but whatever. So I was just drinking beer and watching football. I started to get more aggrivated so I switched to beam and cokes. Well I didn't eat anything all day and apparently she snapped at me and I snapped. I ran grabbed a bookbag and was trying to leave in my car while intoxicated and on snowy, icy roads. I made it less than a mile before spinning out into a ditch. She calls her brother and got me pulled out after I beat the shit out of the back of my car trying to shove it out of the snow. I get it back home and then I don't remember a whole lot. There was screaming, I punched out 2 windows, I slept in the snow face down until my face was blue, I puked on myself, got naked, got slapped, swung at her, missed, grabbed a piece of broken glass and held it to my neck, and eventually ended up in bed. Now normally this story is bad, what makes it worse is all this happened while 4 kids are locked in their rooms hearing it.

I know that the alcohol was mostly the problem but thats not usually the kind of drunk I am. I have also always had low blood sugar, and being in the medical field I've always heard of low blood sugar making people crazy, but I would usually just feel funny and sometimes pass out. I guess with the mix it turned into the fiasco that was that night. The part that hurts me the most is that I swung at her even if I didn't hit her, I tried to.... And that her kids heard all that shit. I don't even know what I was screaming but she said it was bad.

I haven't decided yet if I am going to not drink anymore or just not get drunk anymore. I do very much enjoy a good beer with a meal every now and then or a cold one while watching fights or just with friends. I know that I am too old to be pulling that shit and acting like a fucking child. SO I think I'm not gonna drink for quite a while and guess we'll see what happens. She was kind enough to forgive me knowing that I was sorry and would never mean to hurt her or scare her kids. I apologized to everyone and just need to relax.

Status Update

2010-03-12T00:00:00.006-05:00

I know I am a very bad blogger!! I have been keeping very busy though... School 4 days a week, working 4 nights a week. Spending lots of time with my girl... I know we thought we were gonna take it slow but thats what happens. I think yesterday was the first time we actually went 36 hours without seeing each other... I stay at her house a night or 2 a week, working 3rd kinda keeps that sparce I guess...lol. But things are really great the kids and I get along, my son gets along with her and hers. School has been going really good. I am pretty sure I am getting good grades, this week was our spring break. I wanted to go somewhere but she couldnt get a sitter for the kids... But hopefully between semesters we will get away for a bit... I am gonna have to take summer classes thought since I dont have money saved up to really get thru the summer, so I need my GI Bill. But I am at work, so I will leave you with just a few pics from photography class per Dans request One of them will be my girl and I...

The new girlfriend

2010-01-31T22:43:00.002-05:00

SO yeah, the last post I mentioned the bartender, I guess Ill just use her initials, ER... So after that first date we went for coffee a few other times and talked quite a bit and it happened... we fell in love. I know it happened fast, we tried to keep it slow but we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend on th 13th, though she says from the first date on the 2nd. Weve got a pretty good system going she come to my house after her morning classes and wakes me up, we spend time together until its time for both of us to go to class then I go to her place when I am out of my classes until I have to goi to work...lol. Weve been doing that the last 2 weeks. We decided that we need to slow down a bit since we spend about all our time together. Her kids are really cool, last weekend I took my son over to meet and play with them and they all got along great. I am really happy, finally. Its been a really long time since I've felt like this. Hopefully it will last!! Like I said I am back in school, since I am on hold for my nursing I am going for Visual Communications. I am enjoying my photography and flash class. They are fun so far, the other 2 are quite boring... But thats my update for now, I will try to write more when I get more time, I am at work now....

2010... will it be different?

2010-01-03T14:47:00.002-05:00

All right so that chick from the last post ended up going crazy, like most of them do. We slept together and then she got mad at me about it even tho she is the one who took me into the bedroom. So yeah we don't really talk...lol. The last couple days have been a crazy drunkfest. We went to my friends cabin by the lake and were wasted. I made a toilet out of snow that was used for piss and puke alot! I went streaking, i think that is my new tradition, for me to get nake on New Years. Since things went bad with the last Chick I have been talking to a bartender. Ive been flirting with her for a while and now she split with her boyfriend she has been living with for over a year. SHe is a bit older than me, 33 and has 5 kids. The kid things scares me a bit but figured I deal with that as it comes. We kinda had our first date last night and I was still really hungover...lol. It was luckily a short date before she went to work we went for coffee and just talked. AFter a bit I started to get queezy and I must have gotten pale. She said that it would be bad for me to puke on our first date so we should go... I agreed...lol. Ahhh and I wonder why I have problems. I guess on the bright side at least I have been talking to chicks, I had a pretty long dry spell. And come on, if she is still talking to me after last night shes got to be cool! She is going to the good expensive college and is wants to ba an athletic director at a retirment home, she will minor in religious studies, so I will have someone to argue with and teach me more about religion...lol. But thats my update for now, as I've ended most these last ones... we'll see where this one goes!

Woman update

2009-12-07T15:50:00.002-05:00

So yeah from the last post, I got my wild crazy night with that chick and then she grew attached so I don't talk to her anymore. On another note a week or so before that night Vic brought a chick back to my house from the bar but nothing happened between them. Well her and I have been talking and she is super cool. Weve made out a couple times but she is a typical woman who don't know what she wants. She says she don't want a relationship and doesn't want a fuck buddy but she wants to fuck me. And she seems so normal and cool at any other conversation other than that one. In other news all of my friends have girlfriends again. Vic fell for a chick hed been talking to. My best bud has had a gf for a while and they are going good again. And my long time single friend has fallen head over heels for a new chick who is pretty cool but here I sit alone. I do hope things work with this chick but Im not sure if its cuz I like her or because everyone around me has someone. I don't know. Shes got a son a year older than mine, we are supposed to get them together this weekend. I guess we'll see how that goes and go from there...

Adventures of Vic and RC

2009-11-17T13:00:00.002-05:00

Obviously I have neglected this for another while, as usual. I have been on a reading rampage lately... I read 2 books in like a week and then needed to find another. I asked friends got some suggestions, looked online and came across the best title in the world... "I hope they server beer in Hell", if you are a man pick this up!! Women, I'm not too sure...lol. It is about this guys adventures drinking and fucking and getting in trouble. I think that I may have enough crazy stories to fill a book. May not be quite as good as his, but would be funny nonetheless!

K To the Adventures of Vic and RC, Vic is my cousin's babydaddy's bro. He is recently single and needed a wingman, so we started hanging out since I have been single forever and only one of my friends are and he never wants to go try to pick up chicks. SO this past weekend we go up to the bar on Friday. I spend most the night trying to bring home the bartender that was flirting with me a couple nights earlier with no success, he succeeds getting a chicks number who calls 15 minutes after we leave and comes and hangs out at my house, only prob is she doesnt bring her friends, just her... Oh well...

Sat night Vic bro tells us there is a party in a small town like 35 miles away, we say fuck it and go. This is not a party! It is a couple other people one with a kid sitting and watching Ice Age while drinking a few beers. We end up running out to the car to get smokes and hear music, so we follow it. We are less than a block from a bar with some good music, a couple hot chicks and tons of dumb redneck guys. We check it out, go back to the house for a few beers and tell them we are gonna hang at the bar. I see the hottest chick in the place checking me out, her friend is pretty cute too. We go up and try to talk, they straight up turn their backs on us!! Fuck them... well she kept staring, I later find out she works with the bar and thought his bro and I were underage. Once they check our IDs she stops looking. This place is crazy, there were prego chicks running around, a 75+ yr old woman on the dance floor dancing to Black Eyed Peas... it was funny. So we have a beer chill, I had another OK looking chick checking me out but she was with the prego chicks. We decide to leave, as we are walking out the door a chick grabs Vic and tells him to stay and dance. I asked if he wanted me to stay, he said he'd be ok, so I go back to the house and drink a few Captain Morgan and cokes real quick and then head back up. Vic is dancing with one of the prego chicks... He comes over to me and says that she is into him, she just saw her baby daddy and all kinds of stuff. SO I start dancing with the one who was looking at me earlier, she is ok... kinda a butterface... everything looked good but her face... BUt she could shake her ass! So end of the night comes and they invite us back to their friends house. We go and sit there, there is Vic, Myself, Butterface, 2 prego chicks, big black dude shows up, and a big guy with a fake mohawk... We sit and bullshit for a bit BBD is hilarious! Vic has prego on his lap, I got my girl on mine so we at least know we arent getting left out from the other guys. SO Vic and his girl go upstairs to bed, a lil later my girl and I try to... well there is one bed and they are fuckin in it. So we go back downstairs, prego comes down and says its ok they are done. We go up and lay on the floor by the bed. We start making out, can hear Vic making out, we start going at it, they are too... It was kinda funny. This chick feels like a virgin, I know I am pretty good size but I had some probs getting it in and now can see that I am hurting her. I ask if she wants me to stop, she says no she likes it rough... ok. They finish and are listening to us, prego makes a comment and I tell her that she is messin with my concentration and we all lose it laughing. Other prego comes up stairs and all girls go down to bathroom, I look down and I have blood on me. I tore her... I was like freaking out and other prego starts yelling about "you're in trouble motherfucker!" I tell vic I am jumping out the window, but decide not to, I just yell "She told me it was ok!" They come up and she yells at vic, apparently he left a lil hickey on his prego... HAHA It was crazy! SO We take some women home from a bar, 2 of them prego and I end up tearing up the non prego one a couple feet from Vic.... I couldn't wait to tell my friends this story! Well now both chicks are in love with us... I told him that I am only gonna hangout and fuck this chick for a week or 2 tops... I at least need some wild crazy sex with no one else in the room!!

October Update

2009-10-19T16:13:00.004-04:00

Wouldn't it be awesome if I came in saying that I won the lottery or something great happened... Yeah but that type of shit don't happen to me! SO where shall we start? Work still sucks, I am getting more hours, 37 a week, at my main job which still isn't enough to really afford my bills, I am still working 1 day a week at the other job til the end of the month. I am really tired of it, the autistic guy I work with is a real pain in the ass and has gotten physical with me, last week he ripped off my necklace for the 2nd time and scratched a nice gash in my neck. I am still not sure how I restrained myself but I did remain somewhat calm and took a couple deep breaths. But thats enough to put me over the edge.
Lets see last I was waiting to hear from the nursing program, if I can come up with 100 by the end of the month I can be on the list to finish my classes in spring of 2011... so I am going to start in Jan for a degree in Visual communications, photography, video, and web stuff that I have always enjoyed. Again I doubt I will find a job as that but I will at least be able to get my GI bill while waiting for the nursing. And who knows maybe I will come across a job in it... then I won't have to go back.
In other news still just sit around most the time I'm not at work. Got a big Halloween party on Sat that should be fun as hell, we are havin a hairy buffalo, kewler stew, grog, or whatever you wanna call it when u mix a shitload of clear alcohols in a cooler with fruit. I will be going as a priest, well a catholic one because I will be flashing my goods and harassing little boys, well boys since everyone has to be over 21. But should be fun... Thats about it for now, hope everyone elses lives are going better!

Make up your own snappy title...

2009-09-01T19:44:00.002-04:00

So its not as if anyone reads this anyway... most of my hits are from people trying to find out if the Marlboro Ranch thing is for real or not... Anyways so life still hasn't picked up from last post, to be honest everything is exactly the same! I am broke and living mainly off my credit card in hopes that I will somehow come into money to pay them off before I exceede the limits. So I know I was slightly depressed in last couple posts, but now that my son is back in school I am back in familiar territory of not having a reason not to drink! I do work 3rd 6 nights a week now... 5 at the assisted living facility and 1 at my old job with mentally handicapp in hopes of actually affording my bills... though I only work 6 hour shifts at my assisted living... SO I sleep in til 3 or so and get up and lounge til its time to go to work... usually make a drink or 2... A friend who is recently laid off and I are trying to start working out, to give me a reason to get up and give him something to do other than take care of his sick father, who has brain cancer and has not been feeling good.

Also 3 of us have started our own Midwestern Drinking Society(MDS) since we have been drinking slightly more than usual... Even though we are all poor, we take turns buying when we can... the one thing that helps us get together and forget about most of our problems in life. Not very good therapy and we know it, but it works for now... and we are thinking ahead that if we get this thing going it can be a mix of "Old School" and "Beerfest"... I decieded that I want a MDS sponsored Beerfest by 2012! We've heard of a beer olympics happening here sometime... so we figured that would be a good place to go completely public, as we have been setting up our rules and regulations... But as it is getting late it's time for me to start getting ready for work... yay... NOT!

Down down down...

2009-07-14T14:45:00.003-04:00

Hello world... its been a while. Life has been fairly shitty like usual, like I should have expected anything different. Work actually has not been too bad, except I only work 4 days a week so I don't make enough money to pay all my bills. I just finished all of my savings this month so now I am completely poor and don't know how I am gonna survive next month. Also I work with a chick 2 of the 4 days who is a piece of shit, she doesn't really work and it just annoys me knowing that she has a job, she should be fired and just pay me her salary too... I do all the work anyway! Speaking of chicks, there still are none, the one that was supposed to be moving up here, we were talking for a week or 2 and things were cool, then she stopped talking to me and thats been it. My cuz who she was supposed to move up here with said she hasn't heard from her either.

Whoever said money can't by happiness was a fool. The last several weeks while I watched my savings dwindle to nothing my depression has been rising. Everytime it does all I hear in the back of my head is that my life is worth $250,000. That would be enough to help my parents for a while and hopefully keep my son from going through this crap. Then its even worse to realize that your death could be what is best for your family. Obviously I have overcame these looming thoughts before and hopefully will again but it just sucks and its obviously a subject best not discussed. I usually burn thru my savings in summer but then start back in school and start adding back to it but this year I can't start fall classes because I have to wait for the school board to approve my application for nursing program and until that happens there are no classes for me to take. SO I am fucked! Lets see if and how I can get out of this hole...

Jumping off a bridge

2009-06-15T15:20:00.002-04:00

So I know that I pretty much never get on here anymore. Mostly because not a lot has changed. I did get a new job working a retirement home instead of with menatlly handicap. I did however meet a cool hot chick that is friends with my cuz who should be moving up here from southern Ohio in a couple weeks. We will see how that goes. ALso went and spent the weekend at a lake house with some friends. Included fun in the sun, chilling on a boat in my speedo and oh yeah I jumped off a bridge! Here is my Youtube video of it and if u want check out my channel and see some of my drunken boxing videoes.

Short Update

2009-05-03T19:29:00.002-04:00

Another update.. Lets start with I saw Silverstein for the 6th time in concert a couple weeks ago. I think I cannot see them in Detroit again. The first time I did I ended up breaking a guys arm, this time I took a friend, but we got lost thanks to yahoo maps directions that led us to Canada, where we were detained for trying to cross the border without passports. We got lost several times but found the place before it started... the show was great, got some good pics. Then we got lost trying to get home several times as well as almost running out of gas from being parked on the highway for no apparent reason. Other than that things have been pretty much the same, just work and school. My finals are tomorrow... my last chance to pass my anatomy class.. which I have a final test and then a comprehensive final right after! Then my Poetry final which I will prob not do well in but I am pretty sure I will still pass it reguardless. I got a laptop finally!! A week before school was up...lol. But it rocks, I love it and now am addicted to it. I sometimes get internet at work, where I am now. Taking a break from studying anatomy... my brain is fried! Looking foreward to Cinco de Mayo, celebrate my independence from this semester of school... and prob drown some sorrows about being lonely as usual. I've been really tired of being single. Which is good timing cuz cinco de mayo is when HB broke up with me, what like 2 years ago. Which was my last real relationship... the one that claimed was my girlfriend since was just a title, and the others have only been friends with benefits... I miss that warm happy feeling. But whatever.. I try to meet people but this just isn't the area for it... I'm hating this place more and more... but hopefully spending the summer with my son will help cheer me up... though he doesn't get out of school for another month... Well guess need to get back to studying... YAY NOT!

My tat finished

2009-03-29T23:19:00.002-04:00

I know I look pale but it's winter!!

Marlboro Ranch

2009-03-02T09:06:00.002-05:00

So I know it's been forever, I have been pretty busy between work and school. They have me working more hours at work now, and school is kicking my ass! But I have been back for just over a week from my trip to Marlboro Ranch in Montana, it was amazing!!!! Everything was free, free gourmet meals buffet style so you can eat as much as you wanted!Snacks all day in between, free alcohol from 5pm-1230am. Packed scedule of activities, free gear inclyding a parka, gloves, some badass boots and socks. a fat check to cover the pay you were missing from not being at work. The view was crazy out there everywhere you looked looked like a postcard. I had to come back to flat ass Ohio, sucked! But My friend and I had a blast, we went on a wilderness thing and just saw terrific views being surrounded by mountains. We went tubing and snowmobiling. We line danced, toured Yellowstone national park. We didn't get to hook up with any ladies, most were couples and the ones that were just girls were taking back home and stood by thir man even though we tried...lol. We did meet a couple cool as people though. We were put into a drawing to go back in the summer, that would be great if we won that! SO if you're a smoker I suggest you smoke Marlboro, they take care of ya! And if you quit like I did almost 2 years ago, keep on their mailing list and give the coupons to people you know that smoke!!! Gotta run to class! I got pics on my myspace.... take to long to put them here, I took over 200!!!! LAtaz!

New Tat!!

2009-01-21T20:35:00.002-05:00

It hurt pretty bad, but the main problem was trying to get comfortable and to keep myself from flinching, my body kept trying to jerk and I had to concentrate on not!!

New Year or same old shit?

2009-01-18T22:26:00.002-05:00

So I am back in school, of course as usual things don't work out for me, ever! So I was supposed to only have 2 classes this semester and have all 12 credits to be considered full time. Well the first day, before my nursing class started they asked if I was there and I said yeah, they said I had to go talk to someone cuz I wasn't supposed to be in the class. Apparently I am not yet accepted into the nursing program, and I can't be in the class until I am accepted, and then there are no openings til next fall. I don't understand how I could have had a seat already but now I have to wait so long. So that class was 8 credits, I had to find a way to make them up. Since it was the first day of school, most classes were already filled. Plus I have all the classes I need except the nursing ones! I ended up gettin an understanding poetry class. and a microsoft apps online class. I hate takin online classes because I slack on them too much! But that is only 6 credits so I am only considered a 3/4 time student which fucks with my GI Bill and my monthly payments. WHich I will prob survive, but I am fucked on spring quarter! I'm going to have to get a second job or find a way to get more hours at work!

Not sure if I mentioned it here yet or not, I did have 1 stroke of luck, I won a trip through Marlboro(cigarettes) a trip to their ranch in Montana. All expenses paid, they give me money, and all kinds of shit. Thats going to be Feb 18-21. That will be my buddy and I. Should be fun! I am finally getting started on my new tattoo on wednesday! I am excited, its taken a while because I came up with my concept and my artist was having a hard time trying to make it into a tat... We argued, discussed and made some compromises, and finally came out with a badass sketch! I should put a pic up wed or thurs.. I'm sure it will prob only be an outline, it's gonna be on my side. I know people think why are you doing this when you are constantly bitching about money problems and being broke. This money is from a check I got back from the school last quarter, I put it away for this as part of my christmas present to myself. I never really buy myself anything and I have been missing out on the concerts I wanna see because of school, work, and the weekends I have my son. I never really have "ME" time to be able to see any! SO I save all that into one thing for myself! Plus when things are down, the pain and watching something cool develop like that makes me happy! But that is about it for now.

Happy New Year...updated with pic...lol

2009-01-02T23:36:00.003-05:00

SO hope everyone had a safe and happy new years. I did. I spent it with 2 of my buddies and their girlfriends, and on eof theirs had a 6 year old son. SO we got drunk, I decided that before I got drunk that I wanted to get naked and only wear a party hat over my genitals, which I did. You can find that pic below, don't worry you can't see any of the party bits. But we also did some drunken boxing. I don't think I posted about Christmas night. We did some drunken boxing which resulted in me and my bud busting our lips open, but it was all in fun, when someone landed a good blow we stopped and gave time to recover. We New Years he fought the other guy and it was pretty good though the other guy was like 6 inches short and almost a hundred pounds lighter. It was still cool and fun, and we decided that we need to make it a regular event and we started putting them on myspace today...lol. I'm still bugging my tattoo guy to get my tat done soon, he is doing like last time and afraid he can't take my concept and make it look good, but I have faith that he can!
Took my son to see Bedtime Stories today, it was really a great movie. It was a story good for adults and when you notice the usul characters that are in all Adam Sandlers movies, it makes you chuckle. It was really a story for everyone. I loved it. But thast about it. Spent holidays with family and I think My parents, my cousin and I decided that next year we are going to go on vacation for christmas, we are hoping for Vegas! Fuck this winter and running around and little bits of drama, it wasn't too bad but fuck the only part I want is to watch my son open and play with his toys, this will give me an excuse to get it over earlier, so I don't have to mess with him mom and get him for a couple hours here and there. We'll see how that works, but thats the plan.
I can't wait for school to start so I can get back to the gym and stop being a lazy ass! and on that note I am out!

Christmas card...kinda

2008-12-15T13:03:00.003-05:00

Recently a friend said that I should use a pic of my son adn I on our christmas cards, but I don't send any, but then I started thinking about the little letters that sometimes go with them. There are many people who I haven't really talked to since I have been back in Ohio, so I thought I'd write one up and probably send it to them on myspace since that is the only place that I really keep in touch. SO here is my year in review christmas card...

My life this year has been prett boring, like usual. I still work taking care of mentally handicap people. I'm still working with the older gentleman that I have since I started. He has a roomamate now, a 24 year old guy who gets pretty cranky at times. I also take out a 23 year old autistic guy once a week. He is non-verbal, so I get to spill my guts to him and not worry about him telling anyone. Its hard at times but very rewarding, knowing how much I am helping even just being there with them. I am still in school, I spent a year to become a state certified EMT, but no one is hiring, one was except my DUI was within the last 5 years and that company couldn't hire me. So now I am going for LPN. Got to keep going to school, because my GI Bill is paying the bills, my job doesn't pay too well.

Highlights of the year.. Just spending time with my son, we are really close again. FOr Spring break I drove down to Georgia and slept in my car on the beach for a couple days, just me and my guitar, it was a nice getaway. Spent the whole summer with my son and my cousin, trying to keep him out of trouble. I've got a couple more tats, should be working on another in the next couple weeks! Didn't get to as many concerts as I would hope due to finances, scedule, and location but I did get to see Cruefest(Motley crue, buckcherry, Sixx:AM), AC/DC, Sick Puppies, Saving Abel, The Bravery, Saliva, Sevendust, The Kills, The Black Keys, Mr.Gnome and some smaller bands. But thats about it.

my scedule, an excuse for not blogging

2008-11-22T22:34:00.002-05:00

So yeah, I know I always say I am gonna blog more, but apparently I never do. Seriously I don't understand how I can be so bored almost all the time, when in actuality I am almost always on the go. I guess its cuz my days. Monday is school from 7am-230, then work from 3-11, so I am not home. Tuesday is school from 7-11, then I get to come home and work on homework, til I work from 4-8. Then come and watch some TV. Wednesday is the same as Monday, I am not home, then Thursday is my day to do nothing, which means I usually have to do homework, clean up the house, and try to catch up on my DVR shows. Then every other weekend I get my son, so if I have him I get him Friday and spend the weekend with him. If I don't have him I work, usually I don't have to work until 4pm-10pm on Saturday which means I have Friday to do something but most my friends work 2nd shift, so I have no one to hang with until 11 when they get off and then they are usually tired. Saturday I usually can't do anything since I have to get up and work from 10am-10pm on Sunday, then do it all over!!! And between all this I am trying to get out enough in hopes of meeting someone that can deal with this shitty schedule I have and be able to talk to and get to know. Which if you have read or know anything about me is difficult because I hardly approach anyone. And in rare occasions(like once every 3 years) like 4 or 5 posts below, I get swamped with chicks for a week and I of course choose the wrong one, though in that case I think I chose the best one to have fun with while I could. The others were too far away and still would have went to shit. But anyways...

So things have been the same lately, busy but boring. Trying to get shit for christmas, been planning on my next tattoo that I need money for. But yeah thats about the just of my life lately...sucks... Trying to keep positive which is very very hard... But thats about all for now, I am tired and going to bed early... Sweet Dreams!

man-period over...and AC/DC

2008-11-11T08:25:00.003-05:00

So thankfully I got over mytle man-period thing pretty quickly. Shit just kinda esculated and I of course had to make a bit of an ass of myself. But thats what I do. But I am all better now, its not like smilie was a great or really even a good person, she was just cool. Keep on looking. NEXT! lol. Yeah if only it wsa that easy, I Need to set up interviews. So school is still going, last week was just kind of a pain in the ass, I felt overwhelmed with everything even though I missed 2 days to go see ACD/DC in concert, I don't think I even mentioned it cuz all the other shit.. They kicked ass of course! We had decent seats on the lower level, though we were kinda straight back, at least we weren't up in the nose bleeds! It was a good time, and I got to do it with my parents, so that was fun. Last time I saw a concert with them was Lynyrd Skynyrd and ZZ top. But now I'm back to normal, no more day dreaming about stupid shit and texting a million times a day. I am pretty sure she found someone to treat her more like shit, so thats good for her. I just don't understand why women do it, but hey its their perogative. Just keep hopin someday someone will actually appreciate that I am not a dick. But time is going fast and I need to get back to class.... Have fun!

Drama...

2008-11-09T00:14:00.002-05:00

SO Smilie and me of course didn't last long. and unfortuantely we didn't even get to hold our conversation in person. She was being wuite hostile to me the last couple nights over IM and I had been drinking tonight because as I have said I have been upset and that is how I deal with it even if it is the wrong way. SO I sent her a message explaining certain things and she said maybe we should just be friends and ok, I am pretty cool with that. I really like her as a person, I thought that maybe because we are kinda similar that we could work dating, I know she is on the rebound or whatever. But she tried to insinuate that she has hooking for money and tried to judge me for drinking while me son was here even though he is asleep. I think bad enough of myself for it, but I have been stressed and I spend all day sober with him and have fun and don't leave to go party like I have tried and done in the past. It is not like I make him go fetch mu drinks like I used to do for my dad. I don't put him through shit like that, even though I didn't know it at that time, now that I do. I shouldnt have been doing that shit! Anyways so that just feuls the fire in me.... I should have know that shit can never go good for me, even for a little while, things alwasy for to shit! Its funny recently I got Slipknots self titled album and been thinking about the past... let me leave you with a quote from surfacing.... "Fuck it all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for, Don't belong, don't exist, don't give a shit, don't ever judge me"

It always comes back around

2008-11-07T12:35:00.002-05:00

When I start to see a glimpse of light somewhere up ahead it seems that a dark cloud comes in quickly. SO where to begin... Things with Smilie were going really good, we were having fun and enjoying each others company, but something happened and we haven't been able to get together and talk about it yet. She just said that we needed to slow down, a little more, last weekend she stayed at my place, like wed, thurs, and friday. Things were really good, not sure which way that scared her. But thats one thing. Then school has been getting to me. I am just tired of it! It keeps creeping in my mind that all this work is for nothing, last year I worked hard to become an EMT and look where that got me, jack fucking shit! Then I am in comp 2 because I took comp one online in like 2004, I sent for my transcripts and they said I owe them 450, that my credit card was declined, way back then and for some reason they just never told me. So what now is my work for comp 2 gonna count, am I gonna have to take comp 1 again? The familiar feelings of failure and desire to drink into oblivion are closing in on me. I have been doing so well on just letting things go and just being somewhat happy. Things with SMilie was open, I didn't really care or think about if she was hanging out with other guys or whatever, but with the darkness comes all of this insecurity. We're not even together officially but thoughts still flood my head when they shouldn't, just to add to the turmoil. I don't fucking know. I have my son and will be watchin my 14 yr old cousin this weekend, so hopefully they will distract me.

Girls Girls Girls...

2008-10-28T08:13:00.003-04:00

Ok time to update... lots have kinda happened. So since last time I posted, I have been talking to a couple girls, I went and met one in a town not to far away and was kinda awkward because while I was on my way there her mom and sister showed up there. So we just kinda sat and watched tv and had small talk. Then theres a chick in my nutrition class that keeps flirting with me, she is a pretty big girl but cool. She kept asking about what kinda girl I liked and what size and if she was too big and stuff and I told her yeah since I am really skinny and stuff. She said no prob that she would find someone for me cuz she thinks I am nice and cool and stuff. Then there is girl number 3, who I am probably gonna have to think up a name for because I kinda hope she's around for a while. Shes younger, shes 20. I just kinda found her on myspace and I got a message from a band Mr.Gnome that canowine told me about, that they were playing in Toledo last Friday. I didn't have anyone to go with so I sent her a message thinking the worst she could say was no, but she said yes. We went, we talked, we enjoyed some awesome music. So all was good, we chatted a couple more times, we ended up hanging out for a lil while on friday we just kinda went to the mall and walked and talked. She was supposed to hang out with this other guy on saturday but hadn't talked to him in a week or something so didn't know if it was still on. I told her if he didn't come I was going to take her to my friends halloween party. He didn't show up, she came with. We partied, had a good time. She came back to my place and we hung out and talked almost all night, til like 5am, I had to get my son from my moms at 9, so I let her keep sleeping and got him. But after his mom picked him up we just kinda laid in my chair all day and watched football and cuddled and took a nap. It was really great. Suprisingly we haven't gotten tired of talking to each other yet. She loves tattoos, she hangs from hooks on occassion for a body mod show thing. Shes in college for criminal justice, she likes football and UFC, I mean shes pretty great. We kinda talked yesterday about trying to slow down because she just got over her ex and wasn't planning on getting into another relationship for quite a while. I told her thats cool, I don't wanna fall so quickly either, the last time that happened hurt too damn bad. So with school and work, that only leaves certain days we can hang out and stuff, so hopefully it will work out good. I think I'll call her Smilie, cuz shes always got a smile...lol. Oh yeah and she gets my cheesiness and sense of humor! Thats a hard one to find...lol alright need to get back to class soon...later!

Wierded out weekend

2008-10-14T08:29:00.002-04:00

So here it si again, been a while since I posted. Cuz again my life isn't really going anywhere. School and work, thats it! Had my son this weekend, well was supposed to he talked to his mom on the phone and she told him his step-brother(if you wanna call hime that, or his cousin) was spending the night and he hardly stayed the night there, so that made him wanna go home to see him. He asked and I said no because I don't get to see him or talk to him a whole lot. Well he did his sad pouty face and my dumbass made a stupid comment, I am not too sure what it was exactly but something along the lines of him loving them more than me. And I felt bad for trying to make him feel bad, its not his fault he would rather play with a kid closer to his age than me. So I let him go and asked his mom not to call and tell him things like that when it is my chance to spend time with him, that could wait til sunday when he came home. SO since I turned down a couple invitations to hang out thinking I was gonna be spending time with him, I went out and watched a friend of a friends band. It was a good time, they mostly did covers, but their original stuff was good too. There was some crazy guy that was messed up on some shit that kept dancing around all wierd, he was pretty old. He came up and shook our hands when we came in. It was me and my friend and his brother, they look really alike. So this guy kept staring at my friend and made him uncomfy so we went and sat closer to the stage. Well crazy came up and was dancing and kept doing this hand wave to everyone and then he looked at me and flipped me off. I was like OK. Well this goes on for a while, then he walked over to my friend and stroked his beard on his chin. He kinda flinched and the guy walked away. So we bust his balls about it. Well crazy starts dancing again and then flips me off some more and then walks over across the table from me and picks up a chair and acts like hes gonna hit me with it. I just sit and stare him down and wait. He puts the chair down and then tries to shake my hand I told him to fuck off, he grabs my wrists and says he was just playin, then turns to my friends brother and starts punching his shoulder and then went to either give him a hug or a choke hold and as his bro grabbed his arm, crazy grabbed his man-boobs. We told him to go home, he was fucked up. He went to the back and sat down. SO I eventually came to the conclusion that he wanted them and since I came in with them, he was jealous of me! It was hilarious though, stupid fucks. But then Sunday we went and played some football. Lots of people ended up getting hurt. I felt of, I just had blisters on the bottom of my feet from wearing kleats that I hadn't worn in forever. But yesterday I was sore, my joints all ached, my arms fell like I was lifting a car! I only got 2 catches cuz we had so many people, but I did well on defense and had some good tackles suprisingly. But that ended up being my wierded out weekend.

CD collage

2008-10-02T17:53:00.006-04:00

SO I made this CD collage thing but its coming up as a slidshow thing, I wanted it as a pic so I could set as my background. I am still messing with it...

Happy Bday, recap

2008-09-30T08:17:00.003-04:00

So yesterday was my birthday, I am now an old ag of 26, I have one more year. All the greats have died at 27, and I am pretty fucking great! SO yesterday was the worst bday I have had in like 5 years. Lets recap shall we, since I just finished a test and have some time to kill.
18- I got wasted on scotch an English bloke brought from scotland and my son was conceived... Both good and bad, I love my son to death but it also caused me to marry and bitch and have her later take him and all my stuff!
19, 20- I don't remember I am pretty sure nothing extravagant happened since I was married 19 was right after September 11 and then I signed up for the Navy.
21- Sucked ass! Was still married. I remember getting a bottle of Jim Beam at like 7am, and going to that big ass mall in VA with the mideval times. Its like a couple miles long and walking around to buy stuff for my wife and kid, I think I got a DVD for myself and I kept going out to the van to take swigs of my bottle.
22- In San Antonio, last day, free day after our excericse, which meant party time! At the Wild Zebra strip club! Got a bunch of free drinks and got pulled on stage and a lap dance from 3 girls. Bad part was they stripped me down to my boxers in front of a bunch of people I worked with who didn't need to witness it. And then they spanked me with my belt which I kinda liked until she caught my balls!
23- I don't know if you call it fun exactly but it was interesting. Got off work, went home and pounded some Jim Beam(starting to see a pattern here) and Chris and Mike came with their women to take me out to eat at TGI Fridays. One the way there I was screaming some Silverstein and waving my middle finger out the window when some douchebags thought I was doing it to them, they started talking shit and threw pennies at me. So my dumbass pulled my knife out and made the motion of slicing my throat to them, they chased us and we had to go on base to lose them.
24- With HB a relaxing getaway to a bed and breakfast equipped with a massage and a hot tub in the room! It was pretty cold since it was in the mountains but still a great trip. We went and saw Jackass 2, I almost pissed my pants.
25- The kegger where I almost got my ass beat and was wasted! I ended up slicing the shit out of my thumb and never quite solving the mysetery of how it happened.
26- This year I was stuck at school from 8-230, I did work out a bit at lunch time instead of eating. Then go to work from 3-10. A couple of my friends were going to hang out at the Bowling Alley so I did go out and get a couple Beam and cokes and played some pool. It wasn't a bad time it just sucked about school and work. And I had to be here at school by 8am for class and a test!
So thats my past bdays, I am pretty sure the last 3 maybe 4 years are on here if you check the archives.... But that is all for now. Still waiting on my money and pissed about that but don't have time to get into it, Have to get back to class...Peace!

TIME TO FUCKIN EXPLODE!

2008-09-23T14:50:00.002-04:00

OK I am having a terrible fucking day!! Before I start I was happy to see Uncle Tom Thusday!! Now as I spoke before I bought a scooter, well it died on me today, apparently I blew the engine because I was 150 miles past the oil change, which makes it my fault and voids the warrenty!!! The guy was cool enough to hook me up with the company and got it so I only have to pay shipping cost and part of Labor so instead of paying 600, I have to pay 240. That was nice of him except I have no fucking money!! I have been living off my fucking credit cards because my GI bill isn't going fucking through!! WHy you may ask, its been over a month! Well 2 firdays ago I recieved a letter in the mail from the school saying that I missed a form in my filling of 5 forms saying that I changed majors from EMT to LPN! SO I took that up last monday, over a week ago. Wel I check the website everyday because I NEED that money. SO I just called the school after I found out I had to pay so much for my bike and the lady said that she hadn't recieved the letter. She looks around and found it in the wrong spot, apparently the lady I handed it to is a fucking moron, or she is for not seeing it where ever the hell it was put. Next time I will ask that I physically shove it up her ass instead of handing it to a fucking retarded secretary!! I am so pissed and upset that I don't know what to do!! I wanna cry, I wanna hit my bag(which fucked my knuckles up bad last time I was pissed) Ok lets rewind a couple days! So a new person moved into the house I work at. Anther mentally retarded dude. No prob, seems ok, just testing his boundries trying to get away with stuff. Well apparently he shit himself and on a rug and hid it. The chick from the next shift came in and asked who shit. I told her I thought he did but didn't think of it. Well she found the shit and wrote a letter to the house manager about me not cleaning up. She didn't say one fucking word to me, but I found the letter when I was putting one of my own into his box. Well it turns out that he is writing me up for it, saying I didn't perform the chores on the list. Now let me tell you all about this chore list. It is a list of chores for the people who live there to perform, NOT ME!!! I am not a fucking maid! I am there to help them live on their own, I only cook because it is dangerous for him, it is not dangerous for them to sweep, mop, dust and clean up their shit! They are capable of it. So today I went and filled out an application for Walmart and a videostore. Fuck I'll probably get paid the same, have more fun, less responsiblity and deal with less shit, why the fuck not! Fuck them all! Fuck all the bastards in corprate america charging my ass to death, fuck Time Warner charging me a fucking shitload for my inter net and Cable which isn't gonna carry fox anymore so I wouldn't be abloe to watch the Simnpsons or House. So Now I have to switch to Direct TV, fuck the absence of internet providers in this area that leaves me having to stay with them for Internet unless I want to go to dial up!!! Fuck my bank account that was full of money just 3 months ago! Fuck the last year of my fucking life spending my time and money to become an EMT to only have it shoved up my ass and wasted! Fuck this year of my life that will probably be the same on this LPN shit since there is a fucking waiting list that I will probably never reach. Fuck my whole fucking life and the waste of breath that it has become! What happened to the fun, what happened to me, what happened to the world. WHere is the fucking Karma that is supposed to help someone like me who is truely a good person but has been shit on his whole fucking life. I keep fucking trotting along, somewhat cynical, but still a softy under it all, still willing to help almost anyone. Fuck why the hell do you think I am in medical, just to play with sick people, why do you think I have stayed helping MR/DD people, just to see what the hell they look like up close! Yeah I may talk alot of shit, but the universe should know that I actually fucking care, but I don't know why anymore, it seems it doesn't care about me! Yeah I have a few friends, and alot of family that try their best to help, but I am not a fucking charity case. I am a grown ass man, that will be turning 26 on Monday and will not be celebrating in any shape or form because I am too fucking busy with school, work, and spending time with my son since I haven't gotten to much since school started and I fucking miss him!!!! I may need to explain to him that daddy is getting tired of fighting, Daddy is gonna get a bottle and drown myself, but not to worry I got life insurance, so he won't have to go through the same shit daddy is. (I am not gonna kill myself just so you know)but I may drown myself in a bottle even though I don't want to because I don't have money and it will only make things worse.... FUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little 9/11 and breaking shit!

2008-09-12T15:05:00.003-04:00

So I was gonna bitch about stuff but I haven't really came across anything lately! Yesterday was the 7th year anniversary of 9/11 obviously. I toasted those who couldn't be here today. I hate that they show it over and over on TV, I woke up around 9 and MSNBC was playing it, like it wass real time, in time with when it happened. That kinda irritated me. It was tragic enough to witness it the first time. We aren't going to forget. I remember all kinds of things about that day. And then a month later I was signing up for the Navy, then January I was in bootcamp. But I guess if it helps people remember. Though I think its a little excessive to be showing it hit and people jumping out of the windows, it brought a tear to my eye yesterday and I had to turn it. I remember it enough without the constant image of those falling bodies.

But today has been a pretty good day, a friend of my friends bought a house and was remodeling it. I got to help smash shit!! My friend and I had the task of a bathroom. We got to knock out a wall, rip a shower and sink out, and throw it out of a second story window!! How great is that!! We were just kicking shit and hitting it with hammers, ah good times! We didn't want to stop, we wanted to keep going through all the walls. The other day I found a phone in my attic, still in its box, it cost $800 in 2004, its a sony ericcson P900, its pretty cool, I can't get it activated though my current Sprint carrier though but its got chess and some games and a video thing, its my new toy. I was going to sell it but I found the same thing on ebay or egay as my cousin got me saying for like $20, hell I might as well just keep it as a toy if thats all I'd get for it!

My cousin and I have decided to go with my idea of buying an old church and turning it into a bar, but we decided to make it a concert venue too for local bands and stuff. He also has equipment for recording and stuff to be a producer so he can do all that shit too! We are going to do some fund raisers and try to get some cash we just need to find someone to sell us a church! We have just been brainstorming. But we've thought about carwashes with my cousins whore friends and bake sales, we made a cake last week and oh my fucking god it was delicious! We are badass bakers! But thats about all for now, I need to get ready to go pick up my son but if you have any ideas for raising money feel free to suggest. I am also thinking about playing some music on corners, hes a better guitar player than me, so maybe we can work something out.

ANd Uncle Tom I saw your comment! Call ME! If you can get up here I got a couch or bed for ya and They have Chilli Cheese BURRITOS at our Taco Bell!!!! If nothing else I can drive my scooter down to meet you somewhere!!

Ad Sense and Randomness

2008-09-05T12:18:00.003-04:00

So I added that Ad sense thing to the side bar again. I tried it before and it wasn't really working out because people weren't visiting me enough. But since I don't have anything really to say I figured I could talk about things that may get me more visitors. Like Sarah Palin being McCains running mate and having a pregnant daughter I think her name is Bristol Palin. Or Hayden Panettiere or Leightin Meester or Hi-5 which I am also a member of. Hurricane center or Hanna, The NFL and the GU 63 patch for Gene Upshaw that I saw last night. Kellie Pickler or how the US open is going. Barack Obama and how he does accuses McCain of smear tactics but does the exact same thing. I think I heard something about a new 90210 or something. I know I got lots of hits about Tila Tequila but now there are naked pictures of her all over the place. Then there is Vitas Gerulatis, Roberta McCain, Pork Barrel spending, Michael Fuccile, Rudy Giuliani and so many other things and stuff that I can talk about so This is where I am gonna go off on whatever I find to talk about. I now have a recorder on my phone so whenever I find something I can record so I know what to talk about whereas before I would think of something but by time I got to a computer I would forget. So hopefully I will have entertaining thoughts soon.

2008-09-03T09:59:00.002-04:00

Hello world... SO again still nothing really new. School has been going ok, we are supposed to have a new chem teacher so I wouldn't have to deal with the shitty one, but today they cancelled class but didn't tell us, there was a note on the door after everyone got up early and crap. I was a little pissed but then I found a couch and took a nap for about an hour and a half, but I still have an hour before my next class so here I sit. So now that I have been getting up early for class, my irritable bowel syndrome is back, verifying my original suspicion that it has to do with getting up early. I need to do some research or something. If I didn't have to get up early I wouldn't but sometimes we all have to... right. Work is still the same, not too hard, not many hours. I need to find a new one! I was thinking about just calling nursing homes and telling them that I am a certified EMT and that I am going to school to be an LPN and I have worked with mentally handicap for a year and I know alot of them have been hiring, maybe I can get in. Its not a hospital but it should be pretty easy and pay decent and decent hours. We'll have to see about that. Uhh personal life, thats pretty non-existent. I don't have time for one of those. My birthday is coming up on the 29th, I'm gonna be 26, I feel old as shit. Its gonna suck! I have school from 8-215, then work from 3-1115. So I will officially not really be able to do shit. I was thinking about doing something the Saturday before, but I am not sure. I am flat fucking broke! I cashed in my change, I have $30 in the bank. I am waiting for the damn GI bill shit to go through. I am gonna call when I get out of school today!!! I need it bad! SO I may not have money to do anything. Maybe it'll just end up me drinking a bottle of Jim Beam, haven't done that in a while! Who knows?

Catching up...

2008-08-21T21:56:00.002-04:00

SO I know I haven't posted much, thats because (big suprise) nothing has really been up til this week at least. SO I've just been up to the usual, go to work, spend time with my son and thats about it. My savings has dwindled down to nothing trying to survive without my GI Bill and my paycheck doesn't pay for shit! Well I don't think I mentioned a new guy that I work with at work, to be honest I don't really remember if I have ever really mentioned work on here other than people pissing me off. I guess I should read my own blog sometimes since I am forgetful as hell and when I data dump on here I forget what all spewed from my brain. So in case, I work with MR/DD people, mentally retarded/developmentally disabled. The one guy I've worked with the year I been working there is pretty cool, sometimes annoying but all in all a good person and pretty easy to work with. Well I got a new guy to work with once a week for 4 hours I have to pretty much take him out and entertain him. Sounds pretty good. Well he's autistic and doesn't talk and doesn't really communicate, which makes it kinda difficult. He's had problems with staff before but he seems to like me. He's only a couple years younger than me so I think he likes to just hang out with me cuz of that. SO I have to take him around and try to keep him busy, it seems so far he screams when he pays for meals after eating them like at restraunts but he is fine paying before like fast food places... I am still trying to figure him out. I've tryed writing yes and no on a paper because they said he could read but he will always just point to yes, no matter what you ask. This is the first autistic person I've ever actually met. I was starting to think they were myths on TV like bigfoot or something(just kidding)
SO School started on Wednesday, I am back to school for my LPN hopefully, I got classes Mon-Wed. I got my old Psych teacher for one class and my Biology teacher is teaching my CHemistry labs apparently so that will probably suck ass! And my Comp teacher is hot and single so lets try up on that and see where that goes. Yeah I'm sure I'm the only one thinking about that too. TOday I bought a scooter. SO I encured another loan but I figure it will pretty much pay for itself in gas within a year. I'll be saving like $5 a day riding it to school. I only rode it home from the dealership since I have a motorcycle permit and didn't have insurance yet but I got it today so I can ride it around tomorrow and start breaking it in. But thats pretty much what I've been up to. I'll try to keep better informed and perhaps shake things up a bit so I have something to actually blog about!!

The fall...

2008-08-06T01:39:00.002-04:00

It started last week. On tuesday I was suppsed to be starting with a new person for once a week at my job. He is a guy close to my age with autism. I work up to my computer crashed. I was downloading new music. I was pissed and tried fixing it in an hour before heading to my cousins for my weekly hanging out and trying to help be a good role model to him and helping him pratice his guitar between his lessons as well as for myself to learn what he has learned. I went and hung out and then went to meet my new guy who ended up having a fit after we picked him up and ate dinner, he threw the lady who was training mes glasses across the room. SO he was picked up by his parents. I took my computer to my friends dads who is a computer guy. He figured out my hard drive was fried and had an extra one. He stayed up late fixing it and putting all the crap back on it. The next day I brought it home and started to put all my stuff back on it. I tried to download anti-virus software and ended up getting viruses! An hour after I brought it home. I was moments away from smashing it. But he spent so much time to help me, he had recently went surgery for brain cancer. I felt like a dick for letting this happen. SO instead I put on my gloves and hit my puching bag for almost an hour, straight hard asss punches. When I took off my gloves, my knuckles were skinned alive! It was bad, they have been bleeding and oozing since, everytime I bend them they crack open. It sucks. Well, I was due to go to Rhode Island, right about now actually, to visit my friend who is on mid break from Iraq, I haven't seen in a lonjg time, if you are an old reader it is CG that I used to hang out with. Well she was talkin mad stuff about me visiting then she wouldn't give me her addy, a number or call me since she's been back. I'm hoping its just her being busy and shit even tho, she read my message and left me a comment about being home and shit on myspace. But who knows, I am just upset about it all!Then shit with school starting soon, lack of money, bills, and the lack of confidence about going to England to visit Ech her this fall. I have just been pissy and on the rocks. That and the fact that I haven't been laid in shit very close to a year!!! That is crazy! I need to get some ass!! But I don't wanna get another skank and all that horeshit. Oh yeah I did cave in last week and smoked some weed, finally, only once but damn it fucked me up and made me paranoid as shit!! It'd been like 6 years or so! I have been just craving an escape from it all, it was nice for a night I have been cravin trip too!! I miss that shit! Who knows if I'll find any or do any, and to be honest who cares? Well fuck it, just trying to survive the best way I know how, and I have stress to relieve that I can't seem to do in other ways!

The Kills and The Black Keys

2008-08-04T23:09:00.003-04:00

So I bought these tickets way back when they were first announced, during pre-sale actually. I love the Kills and It made me listen to the Black Keys and they are badass as well. So They were supposed to play Headliners in Toledo, which was now my concert spot. It wasn't as cool as The Black Cat in DC but it was the best for this area. Well a couple weeks ago I saw it was moved to a new venue, the Toledo Civic Theater. SO I kept my hopes up, this was to be the first concert at this place. Well come to find out the fuckin local government had spent a shitload of money repairing this building and somehow shut down Headliners and all the acts that were due to go there are now going to the Civic. Well the Civic is a hanger for a small plane. Picture that, it has food and shit on the sides and beer. I didn't try the food because I am poor, but looked pretty good. In the back were food court tables. Apparently the govenor was there and stuff but whatever. And up front, the stage is up about 3 or 4 feet, with steps the whole length of the stage in front, and then a baracade in front of that, so if your against the rail, you are still like 4 ft from the stage, it isn't close and personal like headliners. Headliners had enough space for security to catch surfers and that was it.

There were no opening bands, frist up was the Kills, VV was looking as hot as ever!! They kicked ass as always! The played a good mix of songs off their new and old albums. I was getting pissed cuz people in the crowd were talking shit and asking if they were done yet, if my knuckles weren't already fucked up I was about to punch one guy. I'll explain the knuckles later. I was pissed they had no merch and didn't come out and mingle..at least that I saw. And because of the crappy shit I explained at the begining, I didn't get any good pics.

Black Keys Had a great light show, definately played for the hippies. But they did rock. I've been listening to 2 of their albums and they played a lot of songs I didn't know so I don't know if they were from earlier one, I think I had their latest. But it was hot as hell so I grabbed a beer and headed back a ways and instead of a mosh pit, there was a hippie dance pit... Uncle Tom would have felt right at home! But the music all night was pretty good, I was just disappointed in the venue and really don't wanna go back, I know there are a couple other smaller venues around, hope that the bands will go there so I can check them out. But thats all for now, hope to update on life soon....

Cruefest!!

2008-07-21T11:10:00.002-04:00

Cruefest kicked ass, just as expected! It started out rough, I was drinking the night before with my friends and I was doing good, I only drank 2 beers but then they started getting shots and I had to do them. I didn't do as many as them only when someone bought round of them. Then I had to help my buddy take 2 of them to his place cuz they were wasted and help carry them in the house and all that fun stuff. I didn't get home til about 4 in the morning and we were supposed to leave around 9. Then my cousin and her boyfriend were running late so we ended up not leavin til after 10. I was a little dehydrated and tired as hell but I knew I'd be alright when the music started. So we drove the 3 hours over to Indianapolis. All good, we get there just as they open the parking lot, but the gates weren't open so we had to sit in the hot as sun for about an hour and thats when I started to feel like shit... Still not that bad but bad enough that I was uncomfortable. This was my first stadium show since well I don't know if you count warped tour or HFStival, if not then Lynyrd Skynyrd when I was about 16 or so. But we get in and we had seats that were almost to the lawn. Trapt was pretty good they played some old and new stuff. Sixx:AM was fucking amazing! James Michael is a magnificent singer! And DJ Ashba was blazing on the guitar. We ended up getting a pic with James and my cousins Boyfriend found DJ Ashba and got a pic with him while I was getting something to drink...fucker. Then Papa Roach was pretty good. Buckcherry was too, but my cuz kept saying he thought he was lip singing every other song cuz he'd pull the mic away and the voice was still going for a second. Throughout the whole concert my cuz was texting with a chick we met on myspace and he's been chatting with, she was down in the pit. The plan was to get her and her moms tickets to get me and him down there for Motley Crue. Well she met a guy who printed off extras, since you have to show them and they punch a whole in them and give you a wristband. So we get them and we get in, then fucking security came over and said they seen us earlier in the seats and said she knew we weren't supposed to be down there, she asked to see out tix, we showed her and she said she knew but couldn't do anything. So we were happy as fuck. We were up close and personal with Motley fuckin Crue! The smoke, lights, and flames messed with some of my pics, some were crystal clear while others looked pixilated when I was the same distance and all that jazz, but whatever. It was great! Defianately recommend seeing this tour, they said they are planning on doing it every year!! Can't wait for the next one!

BadAss!!!

Rock Gods!!

Tommy Lee!

My cousin's boyfriend and I with James Michael of Sixx:AM

A quick ass update

2008-07-17T22:15:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't typed on here in a while but not a whole lots been up. Only the usual, WOrk, spend time with my son, and chill and do absolutely nothing. Though tonight I have been tearing up a bar I worked at for a while with my cousin just having fun, haven't drank much, and bout to go back with some of my friends when the get off work in about 20 minutes. Tomorrow is Cruefest in Indy!!! So I can't stay up too late or drink too much cuz I have to drive 2 1/2 hour around 9 or 10 to Indianapolis to see some badass bands. Hopeully I will get a report and some pics up within the next couple of days.

And special note for Uncle Tom if/when you read. I need to Know if my trip out there in October is happening for sure or not! ASAP! I know u got TDYs and syuff but I need to try to plan accordingly.

Love All!

The weekend...

2008-07-07T13:08:00.002-04:00

It was a little crazy, lots of fun. Friday was the 4th of July, I went to a party of a chick that was in my EMT class cuz I hadn't seen any of them in a long time and the one that was flirting with me alot has been flirting via texts again. She said she was gonna be there and proceeded to explain the things she was gonna do to me.... So I go out there and before she came she sent me a text explaining that her boyfriend had a change in plans and was coming with her. So things were a little awkward so I bounced and went to hang out with my cousins. We lit off some fireworks and had a good time, was playing my guitar next to the fire and talking. He kept talking about a foam party at a club but it was pretty far away. I was explaining how I needed to get laid... I have became a born again virgin... I haven't gone this long without sex since I started having sex! its been 10 months! I explained to him that I am trying to be good, no more hoggin, trying not to just pick chicks up and do it. I need to grow up a bit... I've had my time of doing all that crap. Well his brother was also having a party about an hour away so at like 1am he decides we should go. SO we did, they were wasted, we hung out for a while and then had to take one of his friends home on our way. We ended up in some wierd house with a guy cleaning blood off his arms cuz he just beat the shit out of some guy who he claimed punched him in the face first. They were all pretty drunk, we were sober so it was strange. We were walking with them to someone elses house through alleys and then there were headlights and everyone froze. I had flash backs of when I used to be a troublemaker, then I realized I hadn't done anything wrong, I wasn't drunk, I didn't witness the fight or even actually know anyones names other than my cuz's boyfriend. So we walked for a bot and then I finally got him to leave. We got back and I came home to go to bed, I got home around 530am. slept for a while then Saturday I went to my buds house, we walked uptown for a car show and just kinda hung out then went to the bar to watch the UFC fight, there were some douche bags there that pretty much took over our table. Some guy kept rubbing up on me til I told him to get away from me before I cracked his head open. He walked away. The chick from my class kept texting me telling me she was gonna come hang out but I knew she was full of shit, she's a fuckin drama queen. So I came home and crashed. Sunday was my buddies dads bday. He recently had surgery, he had a brain tumor that they removed. We had a cookout and swam and had a good time. It is also SM's dad for those of you who have read for a while. So she was there and her ex-husband/boyfriend or whatever the fuck he is was there, he has been allowed in the house since her dad got out of the hospital but no one likes him. This was like the 3rd time I have met him, he's a stupid douche but whatever. We hung out, had a good time then I cam home and watch Hancock illegally on the internet. That movie was awesome!!!! Go see it, or download it or whatever, it was great!

All in all, it was a good weekend, good times, crazy times, sober times, and the only thing that would have made it better was some ass. But can't complain. Hope everyone else had a good 4th of July weekend and enjoyed the freedoms that people have fought to protect!

Crazy dream!

2008-07-02T12:59:00.002-04:00

So I usually don't remember my dreams in the morning, but those I do are wierd enough that I write them down on a book I keep by my bed to look up thier meanings when I get a chance. I've kept this for pretty much the entire year I've been back in Ohio, its got some crazy shit on it, but it isn't quite a full page long yet. Well the night before last I had one of those falling dreams that usually wakes you up, you know the ones I am talking about, but somehow I managed to keep myself in it. So I was at some college or something, it was dorms. I get on the elevator and there was another person on it. I didn't know what floor I was going to but I pushed 4. It started going up and then dropped down to the bottom, it did this several times, before going up and when the doors were about to open, it dropped and somehow slid out into the parking lot. The other person and I were ok and we hopped out and said well I guess this ones broken. There were a bunch of chicks on a balcony asking if I was ok. I said yeah, they invited me up. I took the stairs this time. I knocked and some random chick answered, I told her that people on the balcony invited me up. She walks away and I walk in, she pointed to the hallway, I walk down it and into a bedroom, where several girls are lying on a bed lifting small weights and the girls on the balcony say hi and then I woke up. HEres what the dram dictionary says about elevators.

Elevator

To dream that you are ascending in an elevator, signifies that you will quickly rise to status and wealth. You may have risen to a higher level of consciousness and are looking at the world from an elevated viewpoint. Descending in an elevator, denotes that misfortunes will crush and discourage you. The up and down action of the elevator may represent the ups and downs of your life go emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious.

To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off, symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control.

Like I said I usually don't remember any of my dreams and I still remember this one vividly is crazy. I guess I am unbalanced and gain stuff and lose them quickly. This seems about right, I am happy for a while then things go to shit. But my emotions out of control? I don't really think so. I don't have many emotions lately. I don't really think about it or them. I just try to appreciate every moment for what it is, just a moment. But thought I'd share. Let me know if anyone has their own interpretation. As for the chicks, no idea and the dictionary didn't really help there.

Calmed down...

2008-06-27T20:38:00.003-04:00

So yeah I was pretty upset yesterday, but I was able to keep myself under control. Its been storming off and on and it stopped so I went for a walk. I ended up on the train bridge over the river. I took some cool pictures and stuff (if your my friend on myspace you can see them) and contemplated jumping, not to die of course but its hot and sweaty and sticky muggy, I thought it might be fun and refreshing. But I thought I heard that recently someone jumped off one and didn't come back up and ended up missing so I figured maybe I'll wait til I have a life jacket or something. Then I walked to the library which used to be a fort back in Indian days, it has 2 old cannons, one of them points at the baseball field across the river. I find it amuzing. But I just walked around town listening to my music and chilling out. I did end up meeting some buds for a couple drinks but only had 2 and didn't stay too late since I had a meeting this morning for work. Today I went for a walk again, I found that there is nothing on TV at 6pm, and that its been done raining around 5-530, so it makes for a good time killer until Jeopardy at 730, sure I miss the Simpsons at 7 but I've seen them all. I know I shouldn't plan my life around the TV scedule but it works well. Today I went to the cemetary, I went to visit my uncle that dies last year and started all the bad things that happened the following 2 months. I took my camera and took pics of the woods and river that ran behind the cemetary and the flags on the military section of graves. I wish I had a good camera! But I make due with what I've got, I've been taking mostly black and white pics, I enjoy them alot. It reminds me of when I was big into photography, I still have my enlarger(to make prints from film) in my old room downstairs at my parents. There is nothing on tv, so I figured I'd blog then maybe read some more Poe and then play my guitar. I know me and my wild Friday nights!! Maybe I'll go rollerblade if it cools down... who knows...

Fuckin DUI

2008-06-26T14:14:00.002-04:00

So saturday I got a call from an EMT place here in town, they asked me to come in for an interview. I did, everything went great. You get paid to sit on your ass most the time, and the runs they make are usually not to big of emergencies and it just sounded like a great job. They took all my information and said they had to run it, I told them about my DUI about 3 years ago. They guy didn't know if it would be a problem or not. Well he called back today and said that the corporate said they couldn't hire me. Fucking bullshit!! It was 3 fucking years ago, I did my time, paid my ass of, went to classes and had my shit suspended and had my insurance go up as well as being the jackass of my duty station. And still after all the fucking changes in my life, they don't give a shit, its a fucking mark on my record! I don't know what to fucking do. I am pissed, I am upset! My son was going to go back to his moms tonight since I have a meeting in the morning. I want to go get a bottle, I wanna go fucking tear something up. This was my chance and what now? I have been pissed that I did this work to become an EMT and then couldn't find a job and now that they are hiring they can't hire me!! Fucking bullshit!! I am literally fucking pulling my hair out right now! This was my break to get a good job with steady hours, so I could get a fucking house and fucking start to settle into a real life. But no!! I know I can't drink today, obviously but that is the first thing I thought of. FUCK I need to find something to do...

Omne Ignotum Pro Magnifico

2008-06-19T18:01:00.003-04:00

Iwanted to start with some old school lyrics. I popped in my old ICP Cd the other day and heard this song that is quite touching and signifigant from such a goofy band... And it starts out the way I feel alot of the time....

"Nothing's Left" By Insane Clown Posse

Man.... I love you guys
Man shut the fuck up man. Why you always gotta ruin the moment?
Man fuck you.
AINT NUTTIN HERE LEFT FOR ME SO I'M OUT THIS BITCH
FUCK STAYIN' HERE. I'M BUSTING THE FUCK OUT NOW
WE OUT THIS MUTHA FUCKA RIGHT NOW

There's no story that ain't been told
There's no gimmick that ain't been sold
There's no ocean that never been swam
There's no jobber that ain't been slammed
There's no road that ain't been traveled
There's no doctor that ain't been baffled
Ain't no thug that never cried
Ain't no preacher that never lied
There's no rumor that ain't been passed
Ain't no question that no one's asked
There's no tree that won't get chopped
There's no bomb that wont get dropped
Ain't no path that no one's laid
Ain't no beast that ain't been afraid
There's no feat that no one can
There's no saga that never began

Ain't no snow that didn't melt
There's no punch that ain't been felt
There's no skill that no one's learned
There's no planet that He ain't turned
There's no view that never dissolved
There's no problem that ain't been solved
There's no tale that no one's told
There's no beauty that won't get old
There's no garden the sun ain't beamed on
There's no shoulder that ain't been leaned on
There's no color that ain't been seen
Purple Red Yellow Blue Forest Green
There's no desert that ain't seen rain
Nobody here that ain't felt pain
There's no bigot that ain't been clowned
There's no treasure that I ain't found
Ain't no cave they never explored
Ain't no mother that ain't been ignored
There's no leader that ain't been lead
There's no blood that ain't been shed
There's no dish they never made
Ain't no brick they never laid
Everything left's been done before
Nothings new, nowhere to explore

On the day when the wagon's come I just pray that you let me on
Wont you let me on, Wont you let me on, Wont you let me on.....

SO I've been thinking a lot about the straight edge shit and I know I could never do it. But I am serious about stopping the excessivness of my life. When it comes to alcohol, why do I drink... I drink to excape, to get away, at times to relax, at times to have fun, and I can usually find any reason. Does drinking make me feel? No I can feel everything without it. I can remember everything without it. I can still act like an ass or myself without it. Then why is it that I drink and at times in excess. There is honestly no good reason that I can find. Does a beer taste good with a steak, yes... That is about the only times that one genuinely just feels good. After a hard day, yeah kinda but that goes back to the relaxing thing that could be accomplished by.... realxing. Plus when the people around me drunk and acting up, I can be the voice of reason instead of the dumbass causing the problems. Will it be easy, I doubt it. I've thought about drawing the Xs on my hands before I go out sometimes just to remind me. I may need some of my friends help, will they I'm sure... will they occasionally try to get me to drink... more than likely. But you know I am tired of being that guy. The guy that at times just goes a little overboard. Luckily I haven't really done anything too bad or gotten into trouble but it is just getting tiring. I can enjoy shit with a soda, I can have some juice or an energy drink. I don't need to be excessive in anything. Lets see how long this lasts... I am seriously and been thinking about it with a clear head. This is not for regret or to right a wrong. This is just me needing to better myself and fix one more of my many flaws. Theres no mountain that ain't been climbed.... In other news I don't remember if I mentioned readin the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe, but that is making me feel dumb. I have been having to read the paragraphs over and over again and its just crazy. I bought the book a while back and just read some of my favs out of it but now am reading the wqhole thing and its pretty hard, but I need to sharpen my mind anyway... My ex wants our son for the weekend and I am off so this weekend is gonna be the perfect time for me to test my will power, if I can find people to hang out and get out. Keep yall updated.... and the title is "Everything unknown is taken for magnificent." the unkown can be scary or crappy but it can also be magnificent...

Home...?

2008-06-16T23:49:00.002-04:00

So lets start with Friday nights fuck ups. SO went and hung out with some friends ended up getting trashed in a different town. Don't remember all the details, my buddy almost got into a fight with someone, I ended up keeping him out of it. The apparently someone kept talking shit to me, but I just blew him off calling him a dumbass, then we ended up walking around town and deciding to go to church. We walked to the tall thing we saw in the sky and assumed was a church, it ended up being city hall, thankfully it was locked up tight... we tried every door, pounding on them... I passed out on a strangers couch, luckily friends were there too. I made myself puke a couple times to try to feel better but didn't work. I was supposed to go see SAliva agin but didn't happen. I took a nap and caffine pills, made me feel better in time for work.

I keep thinking about it and wondering why I end up doing stupid shit and drinking in excess. Obviously its plagued me on here plenty times before. I recently even thought about going straight edge since I have quit smoking but we all know that I will not give up alcohol completely, especially since I am planning on going to Oktoberfest. But I do need to learn self control. Most of the time the first step to recovery is hitting rock bottom, I never have. I have fucked up quite a bit but I have never really lost it all. This could be, plus the times since I have been back to Ohio are usually when I have nothing to do or anything to come home to. Like when I don't have my son. I have had my time to party and shit before I came back, I don't understand why its not out of my system.

While I was thinking about this on my way home from work tonight, I was listening to Foo Fighters newest album and the last song "Home" came on. It got me thinking that I don't remember the last time I felt home anywhere. Honestly I can't. Obviously I live somewhere, I haven't ever actually been homeless but while I was a teen, I couldn't wait to move out and be "free". The house I lived in was not my home even though I lived there for 17 years, it was more like a prison for me. Then I bounced places with my soon to be ex-wife, a couple apartments, living with her aunt a couple times. Then there were different places and obviously never making myself to much at home, always planning on moving.And even here now, I am hoping to someday get a better job and get a house. Could this have something to do with my excess.... probably not its probably a mix of many things, but it could be. Its probably just a scapegoat that I could use. But just thoughts... Its something I need to be more conscious about and not give in to the temptation, maybe only take a couple bucks with me or something. Friday started out ok but then there were shots and more drinks and then we somehow had a bottle and was drinking out of it, that Disarono... shit is good!! Anyway.... Lets see if I can actually change or what...

It all falls apart

2008-06-11T14:59:00.002-04:00

Fuck I think of things I wanna blog about and then once I get to my computer I forget. I guess all the drugs I did in High school did do something to my memory. My life is really starting to get on my fucking nerves. During the days when I have my son it isn't too bad, we go to the park we play games and have fun and I forget my misery for most the day. But once he is in bed I sit in front of the TV and think about how lonely I am, how I only have 3 friends that I still don't confide in... how I miss my old friends! I just want to run away!! This fucking town sucks!!! There is nothing to do, the people are fucking stupid, and there are no jobs, no way to fucking move up! This is not a place to live, its a fucking death trap! I escaped once only to get drug back to it. The sacrifices we make for our children. I actually have no fucking idea how I am still managing to function. I have the emmence fucking desire to just go fucking get messed up on every drug I can find and wander the earth in a stupor. I guess its all for my son, our relationship is finally going good and he have been having fun and everything, now if only I could keep him doing good in school next year. What the fuck is with all these storms going across the country? We were at a cook out last weekend and just out of nowhere the winds picked up and dark clouds rolled in. We finished eating and put everything away and then it got calm as hell and then sirens started going off and by time we ran into the garage a wall of fucking rain and wind hit us...hard. It was crazy! I need to get away but don't really have the money for it. Hell I don't really have money for food, I realized the other day, I made some spanish rice that it is the third thing I have cooked on the stove in the year I have lived here. I cook pizza, eggs, and that rice. Everything else I can make in the microwave. I miss cooking, I miss having a bigger place, I miss having fucking money, I miss my old life!! I hate bitching about this over and over again, but its all that really goes through my head. How much I hate this shit, I try to make it better, make due with what I have, try to be happy but it all falls apart.

school....?

2008-06-03T00:11:00.002-04:00

I haven't been thinking about blogging much lately, obviously the last couple post are all the same. So has all my days, bitch, moan, don't do much, and repeat. I've been poppin caffine pills, thats helped on curving my appetite so I'm not eating all the time. They aren't as fun as when I was a teenager and poppin them though.... I've been drinking those rockstar energy drinks since I am a rockstar and cause they taste good and give ya a good fucking kick in the heart, but they are not on sale anymore so I ended up buying a bottle of caffine pills to replace them. Cheaper and last a lot longer. But they just aren't the same, oh well. I've been thinking more about goin on for my RN instead of going on for an intermediate EMT since well I apparently can't get a job as one. But I figure with my luck I'll end up becoming an RN and the national health care thing will fuck that up for me.... Story of my fucking life waste my time money and everything to get something I want only to have my hopes fucking shattered. Love life, professional life, personal, everything sucks ass!!! Obviously my self-loathing is still nice and healthy, the one thing I can count on. I did get a haircut last week, I ended up bleaching it and spiking it up. I think it looks pretty good. But who knows, my opinion doesn't matter... ANyway back to school.... I was happier in school, it got me out, gave me something to do, I enjoy using my mind and I haven't used it since. So it has all that going for it. I'm prob gonna call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment for wednesday before I go to work to see how much I'd have to do after all my military shit. Hopefully it won't be too much. My plan was to be an EMT while I was in school though so I would be able to apply everything instead of only using books. I am better in hands on shit, oh well.

I have decided that even if Uncle Tom can't get together I am going to Oktoberfest this year. It will be my birthday present to myself. I hope that Tom gets some time off and I can visit with him and they can come with my but if not I'm still going.

Where is my mind...

2008-05-28T00:24:00.002-04:00

My brain has been on vacation for some time now... And while it is away my body has been exibiting signs of depression. I have been having a hard time sleeping, I stay up til usually around 3, doing absolutly nothing. Nothing is on TV after 12, so I play games or surf myspace on the computer. I eat about 1 meal a day with a snack, which is a great contrast to my usual stuffing of my face, the meals I eat are usually a TV diner and a ramen noodle pack and about 3 liters of water. I don't really do anything all day, I get out of bed sometime between 11 and 2, go watch TV, try to work out but only end up doing some crunches, maybe lift my dumbells, then go back to TV. I haven't really felt depressed, I really haven't felt anything other than boredom. I pick up my guitar and play the same chords and little things over and over again. I have been craving alcohol and other drugs, I just wanna get fucked up, at least make not doing anything into an adventure or something. But as long as I don't leave my house I am unable to get my hands on such substances... I am not too much of a shut in, I went out Sat to watch UFC with my buddy and kept my cool, only had 3 beers and talked to a couple girls(nothing really interesting)... DUI is not the way I want to break the monotony, and as for the drugs, my luck after I poped or smoked anything is when I would get a call for an EMT job and not be able to pass a piss test, because that is my luck! But damn I have been out of the military for over a year and still haven't got stoned! At least I can stay strong in something.

But today was my sons last day of school, so I gotta call tomorrow and figure out when he's gonna come stay with me for the summer. I need to get some better food in the house for him, and will have to be getting up earlier to get him breakfast. Hopefully that will pick me up and get my mind back from its vacation.

Tryin to keep the clouds away...

2008-05-20T23:42:00.002-04:00

SO I mentioned just a post or 2 about being glad to be keeping out of depression... Well it seems to keep getting closer and closer, like a storm on the horizon, I see the darkness and just keep hoping that maybe it'll end up just being clouds and the storm will pass without unleashing its fury on me. I think its just because the weather is getting cooler again and just kinda crappy and that leaves me stuck in the house, I am upset about spending money and working hard to be an EMT and can't get a job as one, I am begining to hate my job or at least the people I work with. I hate sitting here at home, my few friends are always at work, I seem to sleep til exactly 1130, that is when I roll over and look at the clock, I hate that when I play my guitar I always end up doing the same rhythm, I hate that I am not working out as much because I am not going to the gym, I hate that there is never anything good on TV, except for House and now that's over for the season. I hate that all of these things leaves me with my thoughts and they keep questioning me as too why I am alone, why I don't do something or make new friends. I hate that I get all these feelings but when I sit to write either here or in my notebook all that comes out is "I am Lonely". And the thing is I don't feel this way all the time. Most the times I am pretty happy I get up, see whats on, try to work out a bit, hit my punching bag, eat shower, check tv and computer, read a bit, play my guitar a bit... This is the begining to almost everyday and it quickly becomes monotonous, just like everything in my life. I think about going out, but then I spend money that I don't have and then I end up sitting by myself usually and feeling worse then if I just sat here.

I just need to become a rockstar and get my son and hit the road for the summer. Fuck Ohio, fuck the monotony, fuck boredom!!

Idiot.... Gosh

2008-05-16T10:10:00.003-04:00

Fucking piece of shit "supervisor", yes I use quotations because it is only a fucking title, he is stupid and incompetant, doesn't know what the fuck to do and is unable to take fucking charge of shit!! I have grown to like the guy I work with and help take care of but the other people that work in the house are slower than him! I woke up nice and early this morning, the first time in quite a while. I haven't been sleeping too well but I've been sleeping til 1130 or so because well I don't have shit to do and I am up late fuckin around. But I have a meeting this morning so I wake up early get some breakfast and an energy drink and start my fucking day off, the only thing I have to do is a fucking meeting at 10. Lucky for his bitch ass I only live 2 blocks from the office, so I walked, I haven't moved my car since I worked Monday since gas is up to almost $4. So I get over there and sit for a while and people start coming in for a different meeting, so I called my "supervisor" and ask if the meeting was canceled. He says yeah, I said well thanks for calling me, I am at the office. He says he wrote it down at the house. I told him I haven't worked since Monday, remember you made the fucking scedule, gave me these shitty hours!! FUckin dumbass!!! So now I am gonna end up pissed and cranky all day because I didn't get much sleep and its started off pretty shitty.

On other news before I left I got to watch my beardies hump, at least someone is getting action in here! I'm not sure if I'm gonna get eggs this year. Homer is smaller than Marge, and the humping I saw, it didn't look like his hole could reach hers. But he humped for about a minuter then kinda fell asleep still biting her. It was funny as shit... I hope I get eggs!! Well since I am up I might as well do laundry and try not to kill anyone....

Grandpa...ME!?

2008-05-13T14:38:00.002-04:00

Thats right in a couple months I may end up a grandfather. No my 6 year old son hasn't been gettin jiggy with anyone... DO the kids still say that? My bearded dragons are growing up and mating... I guess we named them right cuz Homer has been humping Marge. It started last week. Homers been going crazy running around, then I saw him biting Marges neck, so I seperated them and was mad. Well the next day he was on her back biting her. I seperated them again, then thought, hey it looked like he was humping her. So I went through my books and read that the male will bite the female on the neck to keep her from getting away... like father like son I guess...lol. But so yeah who knows in a month or so I might have some eggs, then a couple months later have some babies!! Hopefully someone in the family will take one or 2, so I can visit my grandkids, but the rest will get sold to the Pet store, I asked them today and they said they would buy them. They were sellin them for 60, I wonder how much they'll pay me. Hell I could use the money.

Any readers please recomend some books for me to read! I spent an hour at our crappy ass library looking for a good book to read. I went with a list but they didn't have any of them, so I walked up and down the non-fiction section and couldn't find anything that looked good. I need a Borders, they always has it set up so something would catch my eye. Sometimes I miss the city life! Our bookstore is a shitty little shop in the mall, it is barely a step up from the library's selection but I can't really afford to spend much cash. I guess gas prices jumped up again today, it is fucking rediculous! I've been walking as much as I could but its been rainy and cold lately, today has been the first nice day in bout a week! I'll probably go out rollerblading here tonight. Maybe try some grinding or jumps. My new blades are heavy as shit sompared to my old ones though. I just need some practice. I used to be good, jump trash cans and shit. I've never really grinded though, I've always been to scared of busting my balls.

But think I'm gonna update my mp3 player and watch some tv for a bit. I got a long boring week, nothing to do til Saturday when I work. Still no book and my damn cousin hasn't lent me those movies yet!!

Happy mama's day and I am still pretty evil...

2008-05-11T13:47:00.004-04:00

So I just finished the Heroin DIaries, and the rest of the book is great, such a beautiful tradgedy. I have been coming up with pretty good lyrics and stuff lately, but I still can't fucking play and sing. I keep trying but as soon as I say 2 words I am off on my rhythm, it is hard as hell, the only one I can do is Johnny Cash- Hurt for some reason, but I can't do anything original. But later today I am going to take that book back to my cousin and borrow the new season of Entourage, he got me addicted to that show, it is pretty good. I just like the idea of one of my friends becoming rich and famous and being able to mouch off them! Obviously if I was the rich one I'd take care of my friends too. I've always said that I don't really care about money as long as we're having a good time. The only thing there would be as long as there is money set back for my son. But anyways now I finished my book and am bored, I need to find a new one. Nikki mentioned some in his book that he read while he was fucked, so maybe I'll pick up some of them. Or I've always thought about Dontes Inferno, I took a quiz about it, apparently I am still evil...

But it's mama's day and I need to get ready to hang out with family. Later

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Extreme

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

The heroine Diaries

2008-05-08T18:54:00.002-04:00

SO my dad said that the people across the street parked fucked up yesterday taking up all the space so after they left he did it, so apparently no verbal or physical altercations which is good cuz my dad would destroy all the punks that live there, it would be pretty funny to watch.

I am reading Nikki Sixx book, The Heroine Diaries the book is awesome! Seriously! I mean its fucked up but its nice to know that people go through some of the shit you've been through and you know its real and its got commentary after most entries about how the people feel today about it. It is crazy, dark , demented, and beautiful! I am really digging it! And I know I mentioned before his band Sixx:AM that he did a soundtrack to it that is equally as kick ass!! And I will be seeing them at Cruefest in Indy!! If you don't know who Nikki Sixx is, he's the bassist from Motley Crue and the book is diaries and scaps of peper he kept while he was living the rock and roll lifestyle and fighting his heroine addiction. Plus the graphics are great fucked up sketches, that I may be able to find my next tat out of! This book has helped me realize and analize parts of my life like I usually do way to much but I did realize that in my situation it is a big step that I have not really been depressed. I have been bored and lonely and kinda scared about my and my sons future but I have not been depressed and that is pretty cool. Now I just need to work on some confidence and motivation to fight and find me a better job and maybe a woman, even if they are trouble, I enjoy the company and entertainment. GAWD I wish I was a rockstar! Someday!!

Let the drama begin...

2008-05-07T23:45:00.002-04:00

SO I was at work today and my mom called, I knew that she knew I was at work so I thought something was wrong, but she left me a message that my dad wanted me to park in the driveway, I thought ok whatever. Well I got home and dad had his 2 cars and moms car in front of the house spaced out so no other cars could fit, so apparently one of the neighbors pissed him off. It never good when someone pisses him off. Its weird cuz usually the people across the street hog the parking but most of them are college kids and gone now, there are only a couple left. I kinda wanna go down and ask but they are asleep so I am stuck waiting til tomorrow to find out what the hell is goin on. We've talked about doing it before but I told him no because they could do the same thing to us while we're at work. I am usually the one who gets fucked cuz I don't get home til 1130 when I work. But I am sure this will start a neighborhood war of some sorts and as I said my dad isn't one to piss off. He's like me calm and stuff most the time but has a bad temper. But more to come probably tomorrow...

Schools out for Summer...

2008-05-06T22:17:00.003-04:00

SO I finished my finals yesterday!! I should have passed both that I went to. I am pretty sure I failed my Ethics class though. I guess I have none... Here's my beef with that though. SO I tried the last half of it, but the teacher kept giving me shitty grades on my papers. These papers have no right or wrong answers, I gave my opinion and even on the tests and quizzes, the questions have no right answers...NONE!!! But she still gave me failing grades!!What the fuck! And most of the questions weren't ethical, it all came down to what the protocol for the place you are working in has!! There were questions on the final about if a retired doc was dying and asked for a lethal dose of morphine... Obviously don't do it and refer them to Kavorckian! Stupid shit! But anways so today was my first day of summer. I got my new rollerblades, they are too small but I am stuck with them because they were the biggest size I could get, they are 12 1/2 and I need 13, hopefully I can break them in and they will be ok, or I can just cut a little hole for my big toe. I tiook them out and started to go around town and it started to rain so I had to come back home. I picked up my guitar for a while. I wish I could post some of the things I came up with online but I can't. I tried to do it on that pohone in thing on the side but it sounds like shit and you can't really hear it. I might head out here in a bit I think it stopped raining, go do my tagging... I need to start a rollerblade gang! I used to kinda have one when me and my friends would tear up the town. While I was out earlier I found some places I can try grinding but I need to find someone with a camera that way if I get hurt I can put it on scarred or americas funniest videos so I can get some money out of my pain. Mom was asking me about it today I told her I haven't broke anything yet and she reminded me of when I almost broke my arm and fucked my face up but of course I said almost only counts in horeshoes and hand gernades. But I am gonna go watch NOFX show and maybe go tear it up.

Cabin Fever!

2008-05-01T23:32:00.003-04:00

I am in one of my moods, where I usually get myself in trouble. I think I have cabin fever or something. I am just going crazy. This is the feeling I used to get before I'd go out and get drunk and do stupid shit. I've been thinking about calling up my cousin and getting some illegal substances, why the fuck not I might as well fucking escape my reality for a little while. But no I have to resist. I've thought about buying some Beam and just chugging, but no I don't need to be doing that either. I've thought about going up to the bar but then I'll probably get drunk and since I am alone and feeling like this I'd probably start a fight. It sucks, I hate this fucking feeling. I am restless but have no one to talk to or anything to do. I've been surfing the internet almost all day. I went walking around town earlier. I tried to call my only 2 friends who were at work to hold my own intervention, they just got off and 1 said he was too tired and the other is workin overtime. I've played my guitar for like 2 1/2 hours, my fingers are killing me, and my hand is cramped. I was hitting my punching bag earlier.

While I was walking, I was thinking bout the past. I oredered new rollerblades online since my old ones broke, they should be here next week and I will probably be rollerblading around town all night. Its nice out! But anyways I walked by places I used to shred up when I was younger, the coffee shop I used to hang out at, the places uptown that used to be cool to hang out at, the eternal flame me and a buddy put out, and thought about how I always go through cycles of only a few friends. I know I need more, I can't always rely on the 2 I got but, they are good ones. They don't do drugs, they drink but not a lot, they keep me out of most trouble, where most of my older friends kinda fed into it. I don't know. I think I'm gonna go for another walk and prob stop up at the bar and maybe have a drink, maybe it will calm me down a bit. What the hell else am I gonna do. I haven't been sleepin well. Hopefully I won't get into trouble. I need to get my blades quick so I can burn off this energy!! Walking isn't as fun!

**update**

So I went for my walk and stopped up at the bar, there were some people from high school, no one I really got along with, no hot chicks so I got 1 drink and then kept walking. I ended up at the library. It is an old fort from the Indian days, there are 2 cannons that sit on the hill, facing the rivers, 2 rivers meet right there. The area has been underwater quite a bit this year. We even made CNN! Looking at the old cannons where everone has carved stuff into, even I had a couple times, I decided that I am gonna get a white out pen and a marker and I am gonna start tagging things with this website. Why not? Most anyone who will come will probably be teenagers, hopefully not the stupid ones. I have been trying to be somewhat of a mentor to all my younger cousins, let them know that even though things seem dire at that age, its not the end of the world. Life isn't all smiles and sunshine for me either, but its not worth moping around or hurting youyrself over, you know. Who knows maybe I can help other youths. But thats my plan of attack for now... And I stayed out of trouble!

Wrong number...

2008-04-30T09:02:00.003-04:00

So lately since I have no reason to get up early other than my 11 oclock classes which means I have to be up by 10, I sleep in and its nice. Well here at 830 this morning my phone rings and wakes me from sleep, I didn't recognize the number so I answered it hoping it was about a job or something. They say hey and what am I doin and I sound rough, I said I just woke up and asked who they were. There was a silence and then they asked who I was. I said you fucking called me, who the fuck are you, and they hung up. Now this of course got my blood boiling and I couldn't go back to sleep. People do that all the time, they call the wrong number, start talking and then ask who they are talking to. What is their problem with introducing themselves and saying "Sorry I have the wrong number" like that is fucking hard. So now I am debating on whether or not to call the number back around midnight or 1 and ask who it is then, but then I may start a war or something and the person either sounded like a chick who smoked 2 packs a day or a boy going through puberty, and either way not really people I want to deal with. So my best bet will probably be to let it go. fuckers!

So my finals are monday, then no more class and I get to be bored like this all week long with my shitty work scedule. I crunched numbers and will probably keep this scedule through the summer though so I can spend it with my son. It sucks cause it's gonna eat up bout half my savings but I need to spend more time with him. Hopefully sometime this summer some place will need EMTs and I will be ready. I am really getting tired of my job, not because of the guy I take care of but the other people are pissing me off. There are chores that need to be done everyday, and the guy is supposed to do them, not us, well he is slow and doesn't do a great job. Well apparently people think I am supposed to do them and because it isn't spotless that we didn't do them and they leave bitchy notes and I just want to set them all on fire and laugh, except for the guy we take care of of course, hes been cool lately.

So my son has been saying how girls were gross and stuff, I showed him a pick of his first kiss, he was like 2 and crawled up on my exs friends girl and kissed her and I had a pic of it. He said he wasn't gonna kiss another one and I made a video of him betting me 1,000 he wouldn't kiss another one before he turned 16. This was on saturday. Yesterday, Tuesday, he called me and told me he asked his mom if he could have a girlfriend and she said he had to call and ask me. I said sure go ahead...lol. I told him though instead of him paying me 1,000 he just had to buy his own car. I figured I saved and paid 1,000 for my first car so can he. He was saying that a boy in his class thought a girl was sexy and his mom started yelling that he can't say sexy and stuff... When I was his age or close to it, I remember talki9ng about fucking girls. I think thats when I started grabbin girls asses and had a girlfriend who would wear a dress and we would swing and I would jump off the swing and look up her dress, that was somewhere around 1st or 2nd grade. And he is my son, soooo who knows. Gotta get ready for my last class before finals, we get to watch a movie...yay!

Saliva and Sevendust

2008-04-25T22:49:00.002-04:00

SO yeah yesterday my buddy told me he was going over to Fort Wayne to see Saliva and Sevendust and asked me if I wanted to come. Of course I wasn't a hard sell, I was like hell yeah I aint doin shit anyway. It was him, his bro, and me in his truck and he had 3 other friends in another one. Well a couple of his friends in the other truck were already drinking alot (not the driver though) So we get there and in and they have chicks going around with trays of test tube shots at this place. They buy 2 trays, we do them and like 20 minutes later they want us to get another one, so we did and one of them was fucked! So I spent most of the opening bands trying to keep him from getting his ass beat and out of trouble. The opening bands were Overscene and Neverset, they were pretty good, unfortunately I couldn't give them my full attention. Same with Saliva because he kept disappearing and we had to try to find him, he was at the bar trying to get more drinks when he was out of money and couldn't get a card out. Thankfully they took him home at that point. So my buddy and his bro were back by the bar all night they didn't wanna get beat up or whatever, they are pretty big boys, almost my height and at least 50lbs on me. SO I was up bymyself for Sevendust, the guitarists kept trying to throw me guitar picks but they kept hooking and falling short. I was right up front there was like 3 people in front of me maybe. SO I went back and made my buddy come up, it took some talking and calling him a pussy and pulling him but he was happy when we got up there, we weren't getting shoved that much the pit was kinda close but not too close. The singer ended up throwing me a hand towel that I caught, then I ended up getting a pick finally but I gave it to my buddy for inviting me and coming up front with me. It was a good time. Unfortunately they wouldn't let cameras in. Oh yeah we did get to see some titties waiting for the encore, some chicks got up and was flashing. That kinda made the night just that much better...lol. Good times!

Your Vegas, Fiction Plane, and The Bravery

2008-04-22T12:57:00.003-04:00

Sorry its taken so long but I have been busy as hell and I'll probably come back later to bitch more about that.

So Friday I went up to Toledo to take my EMT test, it sucked and I was very unsure about all of it, but I found out yesterday that I did pass!! It took me less than an hour and I had to kill 7 hours before the show. SO I drove around it was beautiful out, I found a shopping center and walked around it, I got to chill in a bookstore, it wasn't a borders or barnes and noble though so it wasn't as cool. I didn't find any books that grabbed my attention. I drove around trying to find others but couldn't find any, only bad neighborhoods so I went to the venue which had a bar attached that recently opened so I of course had some drinks while waiting. It was a good atmosphere, I played the video quiz thing for a while, trying not to drink too much.

First up was Your Vegas who was really good, the crowd dug them, I just hate how most people at shows don't really get into the opening acts since they don't really know them. I was jamming as usual. I also made some friends with some girls, so I was slightly distracted. And some underage chicks kept trying to get me to buy them drinks like I was a retard or something, dumbasses.

Next was Fiction Plane, By this time I made my was to center stage with my new friends. We were dancing and having a good time. Again people weren't getting into it, I never heard of anyone but the bravery but that doesn't mean that you can't show the band you dig them. The band definatly noticed my tall ass up front having a good time. The singer came over and gave me five and the drummer threw me a drum stick. I wanted to get it signed but they didn't come over to the merch table...

The bravery of course kicked ass yet again! I was pissed at myself I didn't charge my camera before I left and my battery kept dying when I was trying to take pics, I did get a few but most were blurry apparently it didn't want to use its antishake. Of course everyone was jumping, dancing and having a great time for the bravery. They mostly played songs from their new album but did play a couple from their self titled. They didn't turn the lights up so we stuck around waiting for an encore but then they started tearing down. I was kinda mad, but oh well. It was still a great show as I expected. Well back to homework, I will prob be back later with a bitchy post...

I'm a loser....

2008-04-17T22:23:00.002-04:00

SO I didn't win gambling. I lost 200, my parents ended up breaking out even. They lost a shitload yesterday but dad won big today, he ended up winning about 1000, after spending some more he said he was even. I lost 100 quick yesterday so then I went to the pool and hot tub and soaked for a while, then I got bored and went back out and won some of it back but then I lost it all today.

In other news, my substance abuse teacher thinks I should be a writer, we had papers due last weeks about an article she handed out. The article was about keeping drugs illegal but the writer was a dumbass and all I did was explain how stupid he was and how sick it made me to think that someone like him got paid to write shit like that. I explained that I write blogs and stuff and don't get paid shit for it and my writing is way better than his. She said that I should write, I asked her if she was gonna pay me for it but she said no...

So tomorrow I go to take my test!! And see the Bravery again. I am seriously thinking about getting a motorcycle, I wish I could get a harley but I'll probably get a little POS hopefully a little better than a moped. Gas is up almost to 350 now, I am tired of it!! It is rediculous. If I spend 1 or 2 grand it should pay for itself in miles per gallon by the end of summer, I just need to get a motor liscense and crap. I'll prob go shop around next week since I work this weekend. But thats all for now, I'll prob post some pics and stuff from the concert sometime this weekend.

Ups and downs

2008-04-15T14:30:00.002-04:00

Like usual I have been in a slump, just feeling BLAH!!!! yes with exclamation. My online class is going horribly, I am gonna fail and my teacher hates me, she told me to drop it before I failed but I didn't get the message til after it was too late, she pretty much nicely called me a piece of shit and pissed me the hell off but I have to try to at least get a D- and pass! I passes my EMT final today!!!! Now I just have to take the National registry, I'm gonna try to do it Friday cuz its up in toledo and I'm going up friday anyway to see the Bravery again! I am excited for that but again I am goin alone and that kinda sucks! I need my concert buddies! In DC for the screaming bands I had Chris, and the others I could usually talk Uncle Tom or Canowine to go with me, then when they left I could usually drag HB to most of them, here my few friends work 2nd and can't go unless its a sat night and I either have to work or have my son on weekends. But whatever, I am a loner and will survive, who knows maybe I'll talk to someone...HA yeah right, the problem here is most are little teenie boppers. but whatever. Tomorrow is my parents anniversary, I am taking them to the casino to gamble, since that is all they really like to do is get away. So hopefully we will all win money! I need to start working on my resume again and find a better job as an EMT!! I Am now gonna have tuesdays to myself, but I am getting nervous with school ending, my other classes end in May and that means no more GI bill money, thats what has been paying my bills!! So I definately need a better job and might have to keep the one I have now and work nights or something, I can't beat getting paid to sleep. It shouldn't be too bad since I won't need to write papers or do homework anymore.... But those are the few things stresin me at the moment, hopefully all will continue to fall into place. Or better yet I win a shitload of money tomorrow and find another hot chick who also won a shitload and we live happil ever after!!! Well I would like to complain about more but I need to write a paper and sign up for my national test!

Aggrevating day!!

2008-04-08T22:43:00.002-04:00

Well it started bad because I had to get up at 7, I hate getting up before 9. Got up, got ready adn stuff for school. My dad brought me a package from Uncle Tom that came yesterday with shot glasses and some sweets. That was the best part... Went to school, there are a couple annoying people in my class and they were extra annoying all day long. I was starting to get pissed. I passes our skills and only have one more class left for that. SO it was pretty nice out so I decided to go to our state park to run outside, well my headphones kept falling out of my ears and making me slow down, almost fell once and well just pissed me off! SO I come home and have papers to write. I wrote one and decided to check on my online class because I slack on it and find out I am on the line of failing and had a paper due the other day so I bullshitted my way and turned it in late. My computer has been acting up lately, it will say its loading web pages forever and never actually load them. I have been scanning and doing all kinds of crap to fix it somehow. I went to check my phone and for some strange reason I don't have service in my house, I hope its just a temporary thing with a tower or something. I am also looking for the best headphones to run with, I think I need some old school ones with the headband. But I tell you what I could go for a Beam and coke about now. Well I gotta get back to scanning some more to fix this piece of shit!!

Ludo

2008-04-04T21:28:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I saw a video on Fuse for a band called Ludo, The video is "Love Me Dead" Check it out....

I just finished watching them online, performing in San Antonio for a final four thing. They finished with a cover of Faith No More- Epic, that was funny and cool! I got their CD yesterday and listened to it quite a bit today, it is GREAT!! Pick up "You're Awful, I Love You"!! It is good rock, funny lyrics, great sound. I have a couple songs on my player on the side, you just have to scroll down to the bottom.

Rememberance

2008-04-03T21:44:00.002-04:00

SO tomorrow marks a year since my uncle died and the begining of the worst month of my life. I thought about looking back and reading but to be honest I am afraid to. I went to his grave today for a while. I miss him, he could have had such a better life if he wouldn't have kept doing fucking drugs. And What did I do to mourn his death, I solate myself and drink more, when I was already drinking quite a bit. Only to be hit again by my great grandpa dying. I remember the funerals, I remember the long drives back and forth from MAryland to Ohio. I remember leaving directly from my uncles funeral and having to drive to be back and at work the next day and having the guy chasing me and being a dick, I remember the rage inside of me and planning the way I would beat the person to death, visualizing his blood on my hands. I remember the tears streaming down my face. I remember them playing taps at my grandpas funeral. I remember the sloppy way of the old men folding the flag. I wanted to knock them out of the way and fold it right, but remembering they were old and couldn't move as sharp as they once could. I remember being upset that they handed it to my uncle. I wonder if this April is going to be as bad.

Of course nothing is really new for me. I got my hair cut today. I don't look like a bum as much. I've been playing with my loop pedal and my guitar, I tried to put some on the snapvine on the side but it doesn't sound too good from the amp to the phone, it sounded good though. I liked it. I keep trying but I am not talented enough to sing and play. I have been writing quite a few songs lately but I can't sing em, I can't make up a melody for some reason. I guess I just don't have the talent. Not that its gonna stop me though. Who knows maybe I'll find people to help me put it all together. I could be like Nikki Sixx and write and play and have someone else sing, I can scream back up or something. I can at least dream. Speaking or dreams, I have ben having crazy ones about my exwifes family trying to get me and shit. I haven't seen or talked to them. And there was one where I was leaving a military base and was attacked by a panther that was trying to eat me. He was knawing on my legs.

Boredom

2008-03-29T16:09:00.002-04:00

I am bored. What else is new? It seems I always am. Last night was kinda fun, I picked my son up and then went to study with my EMT class. My son had fun playing with the other peoples kids, they are all around the same age, and we studied for a while then just kinda goofed around taking pics and stuff. It was fun. Today though we have just been running around seeing the grandparents since I worked last weekend for easter and didn't get to see everyone. It boring, we go there make small talk and watch tv. I'd rather do it at home, then my son gets bored and starts whinning and moping around, gives me a good reason to leave though I guess. Now he's watching Rattatouilli or whatever, gives me a littloe break, I hate watching those movies, but I'll suffer for a while just so we can lay and watch it together and I try to take a nap but he usually won't let me. Tonight I am going to a friends house for a party, hopfully it'll be fun. It sucks never having weekends to myself, but I usually don't go until my sons in bed. It would be a whole lot easier if my parents would just come upstairs and watch tv while he sleeps but no, they want him to stay downstairs. Then I feel bad cuz he knows I am going somewhere even though its after his bedtime. He told me last weekend that he wanted to come with me every weekend, I hope I get a good EMT job after I get my certification so I don't have to work weekends, then he can come every weekend and then when I want to go out or something it will be easier, he could stay wome a weekend or something. But its not like I do much, I don't really care to go out. I don't wanna really drink, I have a couple now and then but I don't wanna sink to where I was before again. I need to find a way to meet some chicks or something!! No one has any cute single friends!It sucks ass! My whole EMT class, we always end up talking bout sexual shit, its funny, the stories we tell, plus we educate each other on different tips and stuff...lol. One lady is in her 40s and I told her bout when her husband was going down on her for him to push on her femoral artery, she said that it felkt good...lol, teaching older ladies new tricks... But yeah, I guess I should get back to the rat movie. Someone needs to call the thing on my sidebar and leave me a message, I don't feel loved. I think it has a thing for different countries!! LAters...

New addition

2008-03-25T19:28:00.001-04:00

To the left there you may notice a new element. My cuz found this site and added it to his myspace, I decided to add it to my myspace and here. Feel free to leave me a message, love to hear from everyone, you can remain annonomous!

I'm back and still alive

2008-03-21T17:08:00.003-04:00

SO I just got back from my trip a couple hours ago. It was pretty boring but was good. So I left Monday night after I got off at 11pm. I drove 4 hours and just made it to Kentucky by 3 or so and pulled to a rest area and slept in my car for 4 hours. It was pouring rain that didn't let me sleep too well. Then finished my drive, it was nice that it kept getting warmer as I was driving, when I left Ohio it was 33 degrees and there was a little bit of snow on the ground. It stopped raining after driving about an hour. North Carolina sucked, it was curvy as hell, I was pretty sure that I was gonna come around a curve and hit a pile of stopped cars cuz you could only see 100 yards ahead of you. In South Carolina I saw a Yuengling Truck!! I had to take a pic from the car. It was so beautiful, I could taste it!! I stopped for gas and saw it!! I couldn't wait to get to Tybee Island Georgia and get one! SO I got there about 5pm or so. I went to the beach, it was windy as hell!! but it was 73 degrees and felt pretty good! The whole island u have to pay for parking year round though from 8am-8pm. I walked round the beach for a while and then drove round the island finding where the bars were and try to find things to do. There wasn't a whole lot to do there. I started at one bar, it had a cute bartender I kept trying to talk to but she kept bailing on me to hang out and talk with the locals who were all old. But I ordered a Yuengling, they didn't have any!! They said I had to go to South Carolina or Florida!! I was pissed!! So I jumped around to the other bars who also only had old locals there and older ugly bartenders, so I went back to the first bar and kept trying and failed miserably. So I went back to the beach, I set up on a swing and played my guitar for a while as the sky kept getting darker. A fucking couple was walking on the beach adn stopped and was dancing in front of me, I was bout to throw something at them. Fucking people, I am sitting there alone but managing to meditate playing my guitar and staring at the beautiful ocean, the moon dancing in and out of the clouds and it all gets ruined by a happy fucking couple enjoying my misery!! I went up onto the pier and felt alone in the world, thought some more and then returned to my guitar for my sleep. My sleep was disturbed a few times by drunks coming to the beach and yelling in the parking lot where I was parked. Plus my tall ass doesn't fit well and it doesn't help that I toss and turn when I sleep. But I awoke Wednesday nice and early to get some pics and enjoy the sun rise. It was cold and windy, I had to wear my jacket for a while. It warmed up pretty quickly though. I spent most the morning just walking up and down the beach, eventually I stripped down to my swim shorts and lied down to get some sun, apparently I already got enough from walking. I got burnt a little and have bra lines from my wife-beater and a line from wearing my hat and sun glasses. And while I was walking I got a parking ticket for not paying to park because I never saw anyone checking, it was only 20 though. At the bar the tv kept talking about a huge storm heading for the area so I caved in and got a motel room. It felt great to lie down and stretch and get off my feet!! I lounged and watched tv and ordered pizza. When I went to sleep at 10, it was only sprinkling outside, I don't know if a big storm hit or not, I was out cold!! But in my room the weather channel was talking about the winter storm that is supposed to hit here tonight, so I decided to leave thursday to start coming home. I went back and hung around the beach for a while in the morning, it was cold as hell adn windy than the first day so I left around 11 am. I stopped in South Carolina and bought a shitload of Yuengling!!! North Carolina made me offically hate it! I didn't like all the curves the first time and on the way back through it was a parking lot on a mountain!! It took an hour and a half to go the last 10 miles cuz it had one lane closed for repair. Luckily I didn't get mad since I had plenty of time, instead I sang my voice alomost out and thought about things like do dead people still caryy AIDS or Hepatitis after they've been embolmed and since Jews can't be buried in Jewish cemetaries if they have tattoos, what about the ones who Nazis tatted? I have my buddy working to figure out the latter and I will ask about the former in school Tuesday. So I made it to Knocksville, Tennessee by 5 or 6 pm and found a bar, which had Yuengling on tap!!!! They have it there but not in Ohio or Georgia!! I am gonna look at their website in a bit to find out why! But found a sports bar and again no hotties!! I was disappointed but not as bad since they had my beer! SO I had a couple then was off to find a rest area to sleep at, I ended up driving all the way to Kentucky, I think it was 50 miles or so before I could sleep. It sucks sleeping cramped in a car with a sunburn by the way. Then left about 8 and got breakfast and was off. I got home around 3pm. And that was my trip. No excitment but then again I wouldn't have had any sitting here either, at least I gotta sit on the beach for a while. And I learned that if you go somewhere off season, go somewhere with more people that way you can still find people your age. I should have settled for Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, but live and learn. It was relaxing.

Post break up Myspace

2008-03-15T22:34:00.002-04:00

So as we all know random thoughts go through my head all the time... Here's what was just running through my head while shaving my balls(why did I put this...who knows). But when was the last time I spoke of CF here? Did I finish the story? SO we split and "stay friends" until she got with her new boyfriend. So whatever shes got a boyfriend. Well she drops me from her friends list on myspace, when I notice and go to add her again, thinking it was an accident, I notice her default pic is from my bday party! A pic of her and her new boyfriend from MY bday party. How fucked up is that. Well she can't be my friend on myspace or in real life because he is jealous, because he knows she still wants me or whatever. But wait it still gets better, he got a new job in Arizona and she is going to move with him, I think her kids are staying here with their dad, but not too sure... but he moved there early, after he left she is texting me asking me to hang out and come to her going away party thing. WHatever, I am not dealing with anyone with a jealous boyfriend, look back about 3 years to New years girl, I haven't seen or heard from her since her boyfriend refused to let her speak to me... And we had been friends since we were like 13 or whatever. So I told her to run away from her problems and forget about me... But then had me think about when HB and I broke up and she deleted me from her friends list, I asked her to change her screen name, HB Hot Brownie, was a name that Uncle Tom and I came up with, it was like my pet name for her or whatever, and it bothered me thinking that some other guys were calling her a name I gave her or whatever... looking back on it maybe I was overacting or something but it did really bother me... I don't know why. But I think the pic from my bday party trumps it. Lets see whos next and what she can do to trump it? I think it'll be a pic with her, me and the new boyfriend... Only time will tell.

But I am stoked about my vacation coming!!!!! I am starting to feel a little better, I have been sick the past couple days. Did I mention Thursday my grandpa had a lobe (1/3) of his right lung removed, cuz he had cancer. I think I did cuz I remember saying he didn't smoke.... I get confused, someday I'll have to actually look back and read what I've posted instead of always being confused on what I've put on here and on myspace... It's a crazy double life I lead... Damn addictions!!

Dead bodies and affairs...

2008-03-11T18:51:00.003-04:00

I hate homework!! On the up side, I got to play with a dead body today. We had a cadaver lab for my EMT class, we got to play with some of the organs and stuff, it was a little freaky at first cuz the head was chopped off and sawed in half. But after poking it a bit and talking about it we all got pretty comfortable passing the heart around and digging into to play with the lungs and stuff. It was interesting, I haven't been around dead people since USU, where they were all across the hall from my office. But I am again procrastonating doing homework. I wrote one paper and should be starting on the 2 others I have to do that are do after spring break, which is next week. I guess I am weird(well duh) people are freaked out when I tell them I am going to Georgia alone for spring break. They ask why there? I said cuz its a warm beach, do you know anyone there? nope. Who's going with you? no one. Do you have reservations? Nope going to sleep on the beach or in my car. They just kinda look at me. My luck it is going to suck and be lonely and boring, but you know what, those are the exact feelings I will be feeling here, I might as well go on an adventure and hope maybe something will happen.
I think the EMT chick is having an emotional affair with me... We text all the time, everyday like hundreds of them. Yesterday she was asking why I am single, I am sexy and cool, and this and that. I said because women are blind!! Ans I am just shy and don't go out and meet anyone. I asked when she was gonna hook me up with someone as hot and cool as her. She starts telling me if her boyfriend doesn't start treating her better she's gonna leave him. And all this shit about him. Here's the thing, in general... people shouldn't be in relationships they are not happy in. Yes they have ups and downs but if in general you are not happy, end it, don't prolong the suffering. This is a mistake I made with the exwife, I was miserable liek the entire time pretty much. But I mean she shouldn't be putting herself or me in this situation. I've thought about it quite a bit because of our discussions. Her and I reguardless will never have a future because I think emotional cheating is just as bad as cheating. Hb and I got into an argument about it before, she called an old friend or someone sexy and this and/or that on a myspace comment and I happened to see it cuz he commented back and I clicked his profile to see who he was. Now granted it could have simply been a compliment, I have been called sexy a couple times just as, but that could just as easily be lusting for someone else(who is not a movie star you will probably never meet or see) and turn into an affair of some type. To me to lust about someone within ur reach is pretty much as bad as acting on it. WHile I was with her, I thought chicks were hot but I never thought "I'd like to fuck her" or make out with her or whatever. I don't know cheating is a big thing that I dispise with a passion!! To me there is a thing as emotional cheating and more than likely it will lead to physical cheating. I am not tooting my own horn here, because I in most cases will lack confidence, but I am fairly confident that if I could get her to come over here and hang out or just me and her went out somewhere I could get her to make out with me. But I am not that kind of person, because I like her as a person and don't want to fuck her over like that, even though her boyfriend has cheated on her and all that shit. Retaliation doesn't help you feel better. I almost want to call it drama, but since our scedules clash, we have just kept it to flirting via text. I think that completes my bitching for now. I need to do another paper!

Sick Puppies!!

2008-03-09T23:19:00.002-04:00

So last night I went up to a concert in Toledo. It was an awesome show! My cousin was supposed to go with me but he took a nap and wouldn't wake up, he works first shift. SO I went on by myself. First band was a local one called Beyond this Point. They were pretty decent, nothing too great but not bad. They had some technical difficulties, with mics fading in and out. They did some screaming and stuff and had some mosh pits going. Next up was Saving Abel, I am not putting up links cuz I am tired and going to bed soon! But look them up, they were a great band from the south, they had an awesome song called "Addicted" that was the best, its about fucking! Next up was Dropping Daylight, I have heard of them before but don't recall ever hearing any of their music. They were also really good. They said that every night on the tour they play a different new song live, we got to experience one that I unfortunately don't remember the name of. They have a new CD coming out Tomorrow that I will probably pick up and I suggest you do the same. Also they did a cover of Journey's "Don't stop believin" that kicked fucking ass!! I called my cousin because he loves Journey! Oh yeah a guy behind me asked me to mosh, I said no and he ended up raming into me anyway, I almost lost it, I grabbed him and threw him to the ground but then I caught myself and helped him up. On the plus side he got me closer to the stage and more centered. Last but positivly not least was Sick Puppies!! The sounded great live! Was full of energy, except Emma, she is hot as hell but she seemed bleak and it kinda bothered me. She didn't look up much, I didn't see her smile at all. But Shimon was defiantely in a good mood and constantly was talking to the crowd and made eye contact and gave me five a couple times, I had my hat off, maybe it was cuz I am startin to look kinda like him, my hair is pretty land and looks like his now. But they also did a cover.... I bet you wouldn't be able to guess what in a million years.... give up.... "SAy my name" destiny's child. I'm not sure you can call it a cover, more a rock remix, but it was funny and sounded better than the original to me, but I love ROCK! I was getting a little irritated cuz there was a guy on the wall in frint of me who kept getting pissed about people pushing up on him... We all hate it but deal with it!! He was shoving this chick behind him into a pit and snapped her head back, I was about to punch him in the face but then just turned my attention back to the stage trying to keep out of trouble and just enjoy the great rock show! I only had 2 beers towards the beginning. I was proud of myself for that and for not starting any trouble... here's some pics...

Saving Abel

Dropping Daylight

Emma from Sick Puppies

Shimon from SIck Puppies

The epitomy of hottness

New Tat!

2008-03-06T13:29:00.003-05:00

I have been wanting something of a heart with a sword and dagger but I thought it would look kinda gay but then I stumbled onto this drawing by Derek Hess called the Valentine...

SO part of the story is since my sleeve is about my emotions and stuff and I didn't get my heart on over there, I needed my heart on my sleeve. ANd obviously I am damaged... The sword and dagger kinda come from Silversteins lyrics "your sword vs my dagger" and they represent the 2 major traumas that my heart experienced thus far. The sword was the ex wife who as we all know took everything, my whole life... everything I worked hard as hell to get all my furniture and most importantly my son. Even though we didn't get along all that well for most of the relationship she still did me dirty as hell the way it ended and cleaning out my bank account on top of it! And of course the dagger is HB, which I am not going to rehash everything but as I keep saying, it'll be hard to find someone to replace her. My tat guy didn't really like the idea because the drawing was so sketchy he didn't think he could do a good job, he kept sketching it and didn't like the way it looked and tried to get me to change my mind but of course I usually don't when I get my head on something. I picked one of his sketches and said that was perfect, he said he didn't know. He was just afraid of it looking like shit, hes kinda a perfectionist but when he put the stensil on my arm he said he thinks it will work. He ended up likin it and I love it. So here's a pic and Silverstein Lyrics below it.

Silverstein "Your Sword vs My Dagger"
I'm cutting through
You’re bleeding out
And I would tell the truth
But I can’t help myself

red rushes out, dissect this nerve
And I will stop myself
Before I reach my cell

I wasn’t asking for the world
And I know that I’m not one to follow through

All these city streets
The people look the same
And I can see your face
And I can hear your name
I wasn’t asking for the world

Your stabbing in
permanent scars
And you’ll justify
it all inside yourself
You’ve finishED me
my pulse is gone
And you're satisfied to put this all to hell
I wasn’t asking for the world
And I know that I’m not one to follow through

All these city streets
The people look the same
And I can see your face
And I can hear your name
I wasn’t asking for the world

Drink the poison when you think it’s over
Stabbing yourself when you think it’s too late
Tragic endings are your thing
You love them
You love letting go
The endings the same
Drink the poison when you think it’s over
inevitable, Verona lives inside of you

I wasn’t asking for the world
And I know that I’m not one to follow through
All these city streets
The people look the same
And I can see your face
And I can hear your name
I wasn’t asking for the world

Spring break plans

2008-02-26T15:42:00.002-05:00

SO Spring break is coming up pretty fast, I've never actually done anything for spring break ever. But since I am now a college man...lol, whatever I just need a fucking break from everything. MY mind is constantly bugging me and I have to do a million different things, granted most are because I want to but I feel obligated to myself to do them. SO I have been planning on going away for spring break, my plans have changed about 100 times. First I was gonna go to England to see Uncle Tom but thats not happening, maybe for Octoberfest. Then I was thinking about Texas to see Chris but I don'tr even talk to him anymore...ever. So whats the point in trying, he's got a completely different life now and is expecting a baby soon so I'm not doing that. I think I finally decided I am just driving to a beach and either sleeping on it or in my car if it gets cold. I originally thought about Myrtle Beach in SOuth Carolina, I haven't been there since I was like 15 or something, it was really nice but I have just been looking at the average weather and stuff and I can go down to Savannah Georgia like 20 minutes faster and it should be like 10 degrees warmer. Plus I've never been there. It will be a 14 hour drive either way. I'd really like to go back to the Grand Canyon but thats too far and I haven't been to a beach forever! I figured if I didn't go anywhere I'd just be sitting at home watching tv being bored, why not do it on a beach. Just take my guitar, some clothes and a sleeping bag. I wish I could take a friend too but no one seems intersted. I've been real lonely lately(HA, the story of my life). Its weird, it's not that I can't be alone it's just I get too used to being alone that when someone tries to come in I can't accept it or something. One of the many things swirling in my head that I don't feel like starting. But a 14 hour drive should give me ample time to sit and argue with my brain and listen to some music. Then who knows what could happen at the beach? Probably nothing but still. I figured I'd only spend money on gas and food if I didn't get a room it shouldn't be too expensive. I don't remember if I mentioned in the last post or not but I am still debating whether or not to quit drinking, obviously if its up for debate that means there is a problem. But I had been controlling it well until this month so who knows where that will go. To be honest I don't really care anymore, I am pretty much beyond caring about anyone(other than my son) and anything. That in itself has been kinda rough, though I hate a lot of people, I have always cared about my friends, but without friends theres nothing you know.... Whatever. I got the outline done on my new tattoo, I have to wait to get ther color next wednesday, I'll put a pic up when it's done.

uhh explaining of last post...

2008-02-19T20:35:00.002-05:00

SO I see that I posted on Vday... I seriously hope that is my last binge, that is twice this month that I have probably been close to dying of alcohol poisoning. My bud did end up coming over and drinking with me, but I I don't remember most the night. I drank a whole bottle of Beam. Its a major setback, I have done really good on not keeping any alcohol in my house to be tempted by, I don't usually go out or drink if I do except earlier this month at my friends party. But SInce then I have felt the urge quite a bit to drink more and again... This just confirms my addiction and it really fucks with my head. I need to not give in to loneliness and shit. That shit with LPN who knows, she ignores me half the time, she doesn't seem my type... we got a lot in common, she is hot but I don't think our personalities mesh, we don't see or talk enough to find out. The chick from my EMT class, I have no clue!! She texts me all the time but we never hang out cuz she lives kinda far away and I still don't know whats up with her boyfriend, she says she is trying to find a new place to live and stuff but whatever, I know nothing is gonna come of it cuz it would just be rebound sex, which I am cool with but whatever... I am just horny.. The chick from Substance abuse, I wish...except she is a good catholic girl, probably only like 19 and yeah I don't think I could forgive myself for corupting a little good girl like that... I just need to castrate myself so I'll stop being horny and walkin around lookin for someone to fuck!! Thats all it seems like. I know in my heart I wanna find someone to actually be with but I don't know... I am fucked in the head and it doesn't matter... All chicks just wanna be my friends and I read too deep into a slight hand graze or whatever and then my mind drives me insane! This is why I drink to avoid thinking, hell thinking about this now is makin me wanna go get some! Here I start over again though. I am trying to decide if I have to stop drinking completely or not, aside from the 2 binges I have done good at honoring my 2 drink max and not driving and stuff like that but I am worried for myself, which is good because normally I wouldn't give a shit because at the moment no one else really does. When I am alone I usually drink until I find a reason to stay sober until things start going south and then there I go again. Ugh, now I am just typing round and round.... which reminds me I need to write a note in case I die so someone can write on here that I died and how I died and so my family can read how my life and mind really was... I thought about that the other day... Cuz I wanna keep this private until I decide if and when to share it with my family but if I died it would just be lost. Well I am off to do my puzzle so I can be pissed at it instead of myself...

V-Day murder

2008-02-14T22:15:00.002-05:00

So I have been drinking since 1 or so, doing laundry, drawing up my next attoo and stuff. I talked to LPN cuz my friend liked hwe trying to figure out if she felt the same cuz my friend is a lot like me and I figured he'd be too afraid to say something adn apparently she likes me more than him. I have also been talking to a chick in my EMT class thast boyfriend cheated on her like last week cuz I don't know what she wants, it seems she's been hitting on me a bit, but the way I see I need to hit on as many as I can while I can to figure out who is best for me. There is also a hot ass redhead in my substance abuse class that I have been thinking about asking out.... We'll see what the hell happens by the end of tonight... my bet is I'll end up alone and drunk.... That part is almost positive!!! Fuck it I need another drink. FUck you hallmark!!

Substance Abuse

2008-02-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned before I am in a Substance Abuse class as part of my certification requirements(its not court ordered this time) and I just finished writing a paper about an article written in 1997 about the passin for madical pot in Cali and Arizona. My dad and I dicussed legalization quite a few times lately, mainly about steriods in baseball that has been over the news quite a bit and we both agree that you aren't going to stop anyone anyway. Look at every illegal drug, name one and I bet you can go out and find it or know someone who can get it. It is illegal but assesible therefore all we do is overcrowd our prisons with non violent "criminals" and leave no space so rapists and kidnappers and murderers get out well pretty fucking fast. I am a former user of well quite a few illegal substance and have been off them for quite a while as well, I know from my past as well as facts and research that alcohol and tobbacco are worse than most of the illegal drugs. Theres always the joke that potheads are to stoned to get up and do anything but its true, you don't hear about potheads commiting violence, its alcohol. Cigarettes are the most addicting substance on earth, more addicting than crack or heroine, it doesn't provide quite the euphoria but it is more addicting.

Who is the government to say what we can or can't do with our bodys? If people want to destroy their bodies doing steriods so they are bigger for a couple seasons of baseball and die faster fucking let them! Am I going to be arrested if I walk up in front of the police station with a knife(whatever the legal size to carry is) and start carving my skin? They may call the looney bin but seriously do they arrest people for tattos or piercings? They are doing the same damn thing, they are messing with their body. What makes these substances worse? I need to look up but is it illegal if I stand there in front of the police station and huff a can of whip cream or computer duster? I just looked it up several sites say in some states but the only one I found for sure is Wisconsin. SO how is it legal for me to walk around and eat cool whip but if I put it to my mouth without shaking it and form a seal and suck just the air out and hold the nitrous oxide in make me doing something illegal? That just pissed me off even worse!!

What I think it mainly comes down to is let the retards kill themselves. If legal then we eliminate drug kingpins and violence and we can tax it and the govt can be happy asses. And I am not just talking about pot, let people do what the fuck they want with their bodies legally because they are going to do it reguardless and it may actually keep kinds from "rebelling" and doing the drugs behind parents backs. Now I am not saying go get fucked up and drive, the DUI thing should still stand which I have violated numerous times but have since stopped, I just crash if I have more than a couple. I am getting more responsible! But seriously What the fuck do you think? I think I provide a pretty good fucking argument and I think all should agree. The opposition will only complain that it shouldn't be available or accepted but it already is!! So that point is done. And so am I...

My 600th POST!!

2008-02-06T23:17:00.000-05:00

And where to begin it??This month is fucking shit!!! I think it may try to compete with last April! Lets start at the begining... I think I may have mentioned last post that my school fucked up and I didn't get my money for my GI bill for school. So I am broke as hell and can't pay my car payment and have been putting everything on my credit card. The only plus note is I am gettin like 5,000 back from taxes. Ok the second. My friends diaper party. I got trashed!!! Definately drank too much, we ended up going out. I tried talking to chicks when I probably shouldn't have. I got some chicks number and then saw her at a different place and texted her, she called me a dork(I don't know if she was playing around or not) I texted her back to fuck off. We ended up jumping in some girls car, I had a chick on my lap and apparently started making noises like I was gonna barf(I didn't) so that went nowhere, then when we got to his house I puked and passed out outside in the snow. I woke up on the couch and lost my hat, coat, and phone.... I got everything back except my skull cap... anyone who knows me knows how I feel about my hats, I had that one for about 3 years. Third, Patriots lost. 4th, I almost wrecked coming home from work because it was so fucking foggy you couldn't see the road. 5 th was ok at first, I went to a movie with a chick in my EMT class(but she kinda may have a boyfriend, he cheated on her Saturday and since then has been talking to me but they live together), then CF called and wanted to hang out so I met up with her, she was drunk and asking me dumb questions about why we weren't together, I couldn't let her drive home so I brought her home and let her pass out here. Today, I had to get up at 6am to take her to her car after not being able to sleep too good, then came home and couldn't really get back to sleep. When I woke up and tried to get a drink of milk, I found out my fridge/freezer died and all the goceries I bought the other day on my credit card is spoiled!! I got to do my clinicals in the ER, they were busy as hell and pissed when I got there so I didn't get to do anything, then when they calmed down no one else came in. And now here I sit bitching about everything!!!!!!!!

Now after the tradgedy this morning I am convinced that Karma backfires on me. In DC I give bums money, I get fucked over all the time and flat tires and shit. Here I don't let a friends drive home drunk, I kept her hands off me cuz she has a boyfriend now and get up early to take her to her car and my fridge spoils everything I just bought. I mean come the fuck on! I have been horny as hell and could have gotten laid last night but no, I have fucking morals!! And Valentines day is next week. A have been seriously thinking sbout getting a bottle of Beam and drowning in it! Didn't I say that last post? What the fucks next, am I gonna lose a finger or toe? Why does this shit always happen to me? Oh yeah and the pepper spray worked for like 3 days and now my face is breaking out again. It did work fairly well on my back, I figured I might as well share my findings before you go spraying it onyour face and back... Like anyone else is as stupid as I am...but you know what I get bored and tired of everyone else making my life hell, why not just do it to myself...

Pepper spray..?

2008-01-31T14:26:00.000-05:00

Its been quite difficult to blog lately just because I am in such a rut. I don't really do anything. I go to school, I go to work, I sit around here, occasionally I hang out with my friends but since I haven't been drinking as much there isn't drunken stupidity. I think it was last week, one night my buddy came over we had some beers bullshited til like 5 am watchin movies and crap. One night we hung out at the bar, had a couple and just bullshitted with some other friends til it closed then we went to his place and played cards. This weekend there may be some craziness we are having a diaper party for him since he is havin a baby and we are gettin a keg. I am not going as crazy as I did for my bday but I may have a few more than normal. A bad thing I found out is my other friend has a thing for the LPN and has been tryin to get with her so I kinda have to repect him and stop flirtin with her, she was at the bar with us last week. It seemed like she was tryin to get to know me but was more flirty with him so I don't know. I told him to let her know how he feels and if he doesn't I will. I was gonna ask her to be my valentine. Gotta push him cause he is like me and will wait until its too late. I'll probably die alone but at this point I don't really give a shit. I know I need to stick to my plans for this year and at least try to talk to random chicks but I'm not goin to force anything. I did talk to this hot little redhead in my substance abuse class. It sucks because it feels like my face gets so red when I talk to them, I wish I knew how to stop that. Then I feel worse because they can see me blushing when I'm just bringing up general conversations and it makes me feel like a little kid or something. I guess thats the thing though I need to practice so it will stop. It a damned double edge sword. Its just weird cuz most the time I don't give a shit what people think of me, if I am irritated with some chick that I don't know I can tell her what the fuck I think but if I just think a chick is cute and say hi or something I freak. Oh yeah in that same class is a chick I used to work with at Taco Bell and used to flirt with all the time. We used to get stoned and shit and now we are in the same substance abuse class...lol. I don't think she is as clean as I am though so I don't think I will be asking her to hang out anytime soon.

On a different note, I sprayed myself with pepper spray today. WHy you ask, because I was bored and when my friends did it in the military they said it cleared up their faces and my face is breakin out bad, so figured why not. It took a while to hurt and then it hurt like hell for quite a while and my face was red for about 2 hours. It better fucking work. I am poor and fucked for this month because the school is fucking retarded. I submitted my papers to get my money from the military when I signed up and they haven't submitted them yet. I called and asked about it, they said they would do it sometime next week. I should be getting paid for it this week! That is about $1,000 that I now don't have to pay my bills. Thanks assholes. So I am gonna have to put it all on my credit cards and hope I get it quickly or my income tax. Retards. Well I think I am gonna fuck around on the web and then finish my laundry. I feel like going and puttin a bottle of Jim Beam on my card and getting plastered!!!! But I won't, I'll get some drinks Saturday with friends. I am not going to start drinking alot, alone again!! Can't drink to escape.

Music is a blessing and a curse

2008-01-24T19:37:00.000-05:00

So it took quite a while after HB for me to be able to listen to certain CDs because it made me think of her. There were the Stars, Billy Talent, 30 Seconds to Mars, and well half od my music. But lately the thought of her has been diminishing. I am able to listen to those bands without problem, some with even found memories. Billy Talent I believe was our last concert and a blast... check out their live album 666!! But I was just watching scrubs cuz that show is cool and funny and this song comes up that just kinda smacked me in the face... If you scroll down on my playlist its the last song. Its a good, sad, song but it just hit a nerve even though I never heard it before. I'm not saying I'm never gonna be happy with anyone else or anything but at times I do wonder if I will ever be happy again or if I will find anyone else you know... heres the lyrics.

RHETT MILLER- "Come Around"

I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
I'm depressed upstairs and I'm remembering where
And when and how and why'd you have to go so far
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night
You came on to me and opened up my heart
I was hollow then till you filled me in now I'm empty again
I should have never let it start
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do
But you're the only one you are the only one
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
So come around so come around
I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart

Uhh School...

2008-01-22T20:23:00.000-05:00

Occasionally through the week or when I am lying in bed trying to sleep, I think of something or a topic that I wanna talk about on here but it always seems that by time I have the time to... I forget. So I survived my first week of school last week, I think I am going to like this semester. Fist class is substance abuse, the teacher seems pretty cool, plus we get to talk about drugs all day... The first class we had to anonomously write what drugs, legal or illegal, we have taken the last 6 months... for me this didn't include any illegal but I thought about writing some of the stuff I did before that. Other classmates had quite a list, we wrote them all out on the board just to see all the variety we had. Second is Cultural Diversity again the teacher seems cool, so far we just read at home then discuss in class, no notes no nothing really. The book itself is just interesting to read so far, its just called Race, class, gender. Its just a bunch of writings about peoples lives and oppression and stuff, I've only read like 3 of them but its cool. The only one I worry about is my online class about Ethics in Health care, only cuz its hard for me to do it or read... I don't know why. I find myself on mypace instead or here doing this...lol. Other than class, nothing is happening. I am boycotting American Idol, I refuse to watch it. I just watch Family Guy instead it is more entertaining. Oh yeah Heath Ledger was found dead a couple hours ago, I guess he got too into his role as Joker in Batman... My dad just kept sayin he'd OD too if he ws known as that gay cowboy... But whatever... I guess I need to get back to school work.

Its always 2 out of 3

2008-01-13T23:24:00.000-05:00

I guess thats why theres a song about 2 out of 3 aint bad. Well last night right after I shut off the tv and laid down to sleep my buddy texted me to come out and since its a goal this year, I got up and went out and I only drank 2 beers but I didn't talk to any ladies... though I did finally see the LPN again and she gave me a hug, she may have been drunk though she didn't talk much, she was dancing with her friends. Any place with dancing isn't a good place for me to try to strike up a conversation since I don't dance... Plus I always think of the Dane Cook skit were its a girl and shes going on about "no guys tonight, I just wanna dance!" But it was still a pretty good time, we hung out and shot the shit.

Tomorrow is my first day with my new classes, maybe I'll get lucky and have some cool ass hot chick in there. But I just had a conflicting though while I was in the shower and about my life goals: I always say fuck the world and lifes a bitch then you die and you always hear seize the day and all this shit. Well these sayings kinda say to drink, fuck, and party in case you die tomorrow... And this is against the way I have been living. I have been focusing more on trying to make myself better for the future that I may not have... I am conflicted and don't really have a good argument about why I should keep bettering myself. I'm still gonna keep on the way I am going but it kind of makes me regret the thought popping up. I just thought I'd share that thought to see if it boggles any one elses mind or if I am just a moron...

Oh I saw the movie Control about the life of Ian Curtis of Joy Division. The movie was pretty fucking good. It reminded me of Kurt Cobain even though it was way before him. But young star with crazy kind of life, and medical problems that he doesn't know how to deal with. Except Ian didn't show him doing drugs he was just torn between 2 women... I suggest you check it out! ALright need to get ready for bed...Laters...

My head just may explode....

2008-01-09T13:17:00.000-05:00

Why... I don't know. I have been real antsy this past week or so. I think it has to do with the weather. It was 68 the other day!!! It was nice as hell, the temp has been between 30-10 the past months and out of nowhere it was warm, then some thunderstorms hit and now its cold again... Monday I went up to the gym at school before work since I needed to do something and oh my gawd was I sore yesterday and then yesterday was my first day back for my EMT class so I went and worked out again and I am sore as hell today but it feels so damn good!! I almost want to go back today since I have nothing to do but I know my body needs to rest. I have been so fucking bored, almost hoping for homework from school next week, though I know in 2 weeks I am probably going to be stressed and going crazy, if its not one extreme its the other! Lately I have just been strumming on my guitars (for some reason the electric's strings fuck up my fingers more) til my fingers hurt, then work on my simpsons puzzle til I start to go blind from focusing on the little fucking pictures, then play on the computer and wait for something to come on tv, every once in a while I play my simpsons game that I already beat but need to go back and find all the little secret shit I missed. Gawd I am a boring ass dork!! But you know what I am staying out of trouble so I guess thats what counts most... though I guess I'm not getting out like I am supposed to but I have to wait on friends for things like that... Its hard though, I've been thinking about missing my old friends and old times like usual but it was easy in the military. Here there is nothing really to do but get drunk or do drugs and I don't really want to do either, you know. I don't mind drinks every once in a while, I think I average once every 2 weeks or so. At least when there is a UCF PPV I go up to the bar to watch it. But I don't need or want to be around it all the time especially the way the stupid asses act around here! And all my old friends other than the 2 I hang out with now were and still are into drugs and shit... with my addictive personality and feeling like shit most the time I would fall right back into that shit... For some reason people tend to dislike me here. I don't really know why all I do is speak my mind, we are not in high school, I don't talk behind peoples back, if I don't like you I will tell you that you are annoying and be quiet. A couple of the people I met seem to prefer people who lie and backstab. fuck them... Anyway there I go off on a tangent again... Well its about time to do either my puzzle or video game... fun fun!!

Happy New Year

2008-01-04T22:24:00.000-05:00

So this is my first post of 2008! For new years I ended up going to my cousins new place and hanging out and having a few drinks, it was a pretty good time, I didn't drink that much. There were some wasted guys there that were being annoying and my cuz is pregnant and obviously couldn't drink so I kinda helped her clean up the messes they made since her boyfriend ended up passin out. Now I don't make resolutions but one of the things I have been thinking about that I need to focus on this year is being selfish and having confidence, these are the next big things on my list to be better. The alcohol thing is something I am continually working on, but I think working on those 2 things may help. Lets look at the reasons I usually drink or drank actually... 1. Boredom, this I am doing a puzzle and play ps2 to try to fight, tv is getting boring and I need to find a book or something. 2. To open up socially, I use it as a crutch if I am afraid to talk to a chick at a bar or whatever, I drink so I won't care and then when I still don't say anything I drink because I failed. 3. To deal with things, well period. If I had more confidence it would help well 2 out of 3, not much cure for boredom, I have been fucking with my guitar more but still sound like shit. Being selfish, this has been a problem too... I am always worried about other people, I always put others before myself. Even if we look back to my last big single period, I wasn't being selfish I just got drunk and found fuck buddies, thats all I really did. I didn't do anything for myself. I'm still not too sure how to be selfish, its not like I have money to spend on myself but I will try to find ways... I need to get back to the gym I feel lazy as shit!! Luckily I haven't lost any of my muscle even though I really havent done shit since school got out. Anyways back to selfish and confidence and fighting the alcohol. These 3 things need to be my mission this year. I need to make time to go out(selfish) actually meet and talk to chicks(confidence) I don't need to get numbers or fuck or anything, I just need to be able to start conversations with them for me to learn that its ok, I am not gonna die or get maced or what the fuck ever goes through my fucking body keeping me from doing it!! And all this needs to be accomplished without being wasted, I will allow 2 drink max when I go out! Thats it, thats all I need to do this year, again not a resolution because those are things that people try to force on themselves and end up failing and being more pissed. I think they can be acomplished, I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Reflections...

2007-12-28T23:25:00.000-05:00

Why do I always do the (....) thing.... I don't know. SO I didn't get any pics of my friends band on christmas, it turned out to be kinda a crazy night! I went up there BSed with him for a while enjoyed some music, he kicked ass like always. My friend and a couple of his friends showed up a couple guys were fucking with us, it was about to turn into a fight and my ex brother in law was there so I was uncomfortable so we went to a different one. We walk in and a guy I almost got into a fight with on my birthday was there, we sat at the bar and oredered a drink and he glared at me then wispered to his friends and the glared at me. I kinda thought I was imagining things but my friend saw it too. Then my ex brother in law showed up wasted and kept buying me drinks and talking shit about my ex. I kept saying I didn't wanna talk about it. He ended up knowing my friends friend, they ended up in a back room, there was a crowd yelling and pulling people out. I got the guy out and he left, my ex bro in law got arrested. I still haven't got the story as to what happened, but he was probably talking shit, both were wasted and started fighting. Dumbasses!

I titled this reflections but I'm not sure how much I really wanna reflect on. I have felt pretty lonely lately, I have managed to keep myself out of depression, how I have no idea. I have kept myslef from buying a bottle! Lookin back this has been a really rough year. Starting this year I had a friends, love, a plan, money, and the world in front of me ready to be conquered! Now I sit alone in a one bedroom apartment my parents own that I don't even pay rent in, don't really have any close friends left. I got the4 couple here but its hard to really open up to them, plus it's not like I have much to say, they don't really know all the players from back... like how much I miss Chris and I am mad he never talks to me anymore, I had to find out he is having a baby from HB, just by chance because I wished her a merry christmas. I sent him a message saying congrats and he never replys anymore. I miss the closeness I had with him and HB, I told both of them everything without any fear of rejection or anything. They would give me good advise, even if I never really followed it it's nice to know that someone is there for you. The 2 friends I have here, ones girlfriend hates me, the other guy trys to hang out when he can but he works 2nd too and lives a ways away. I don't know what I expect or even want, my last girlfriend wasn't really that fun, perhaps I just want that girl to show up and give me those butterflies again. To fight through the fear of the first kiss and all that, with CF I was too drunk to even remember, so it lost all thrill. Who fucking knows. At times I just want to run away! Start over somewhere new again, or go back in the Navy, but I can't leave my son again... He definately needs some sort of stability. And I can't sacrifice him, I must sacrifice myself. Will I grow to hate him because of it, NO because running away wouldn't solve anything, I'd just end up a stranger somewhere else lonlier than I am now. I am almost excited for school to start back up, I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks now I think!! I try to work out around the house but all I have is 2 dumbells and I am not running in this fucking cold!! Maybe I just have too much energy that needs burnt off... I need a new fuck buddy!!

Merry mutherfuckin Christmas

2007-12-25T20:58:00.000-05:00

I'm off to the bar!!! My friends band is playing there, hopefully I won't get too drunk. It should be fun, I haven't seen him for a while since he moved down to Columbus. Today wasn't too bad, hung out with my family, got some cool presents. Got a new amp for my guitar finally since I havent had one since my exwife pawned it!! and got the Simpsons game! Some clothes and other things that aren't as fun.... Hope everyone has a safe happy holidays!! I'm tryin not to be the scrooge though I still hate the holiday!! I think its an awesome idea that my buddy and other bands are playin tonight!! I may try to take some pics...

News... I guess

2007-12-20T19:34:00.000-05:00

Hmmm where to start, I've been busy since my last post. Lets start with I passed my classes, I have no clue how I did on the finals but I got a B in psych and C in biology, so I am happy bout that. I celebrated by hanging out with my friends Saturday during a snow storm and getting plastered. I've got too much testosterone from no sex for a couple months and I haven't worked out in over a week so I suggested football. We beat the shit out of each other while it was coming down, then while our pants were in the dryer someones dumbass suggested we see who could last longest in their boxers in the snow barefoot... I won! I don't know if I should be proud or not.... This week I've been working and going to a class for work in Lima, a little over an hour away to learn med admin that I've know and been doing for quite a while... but whatever I get paid for it... so I've just been tired as hell. My son has had quite a fiasco lately, luckily I hadn't bought him anything since I was waiting on my paycheck, but now I don't have to buy him anything since he is soooo bad!! He is in first grade, 6 years old, I didn't get in this much trouble til I was in at least 5 th grade and it still wasn't all this! He's had problems listening to his teachers and then lying to his mom and I... I've had talks with him, he is an angel for me and has been better for his mom but hell at school. Well I've been stopping at the school once a week to check on him and get the story from the teacher because he got in school suspension for refusing to listen, well he said hes been better and his teacher said he hasn't and had given him several notes to bring home about his behavior, they are talking about kicking him out of school!!! In first fucking grade!!! So I haven't spanked him in a long as time so I busted his ass, well he got in school suspension again and lied about it so I spanked him again longer and harder, took away everything, made him sit in a corner for a whole night until bed... The next day...THE NEXT FUCKING DAY the principle called and he was back in inschool for hitting kids in the balls!! WHAT THE FUCK!! I don't know what to fucking do! He never acts like this shit for me, hes stopped doing it for his mom, its now just been transferred to school... he gets good grades when he isn't too busy talking to do it... I can't just go up there and sit at the school to make him be good so I told him I couldn't stop anyone else from buying him presents, but I will not buy him anything, Santa is not bringing him anything and anything bought for him will be put away until I think he deserves any of it. I have to be the fucking Grinch who takes away Christmas... I have already been pissed about the fucking holiday, to be honest I can't remember if I hated it last year, I thought about looking back but haven't gotten around to it yet. It sucks that I know my parents bought me and my son all kinds of shit that neither of us need, and when I ask them what to get them I get a fucking grocery list...seriously, their list this year is 2 pillows, a blanket, a can opener, beer, cigarettes... Its bad enough I am broke as shit but I think it was last year or the year before when I had money and shit I could at least give them money since they never tell me what the want, only some things they could use. On the bright side I don't have to buy much, not that I could anyway but still... it makes me feel like an ass! They constantly give me money and make me feel more like shit if I try not to take it they shove it in my pocket like I am a fucking bum... I get by I don't need much to survive, I can pay my bills, I don't smoke, I hardly drink and when I do its usually someone elses, all I need is my bills and gas, they pretty much bought their own presents with the money they gave me. My mom fucking bought the ring I gave HB from me for full price, we were talking like last month about pawning shit or something and I said fuck that they only wanted to give me $20 for a $450 1/4ct diamond ring, I wanted at least 100 or something. Mom told me to bring it down and asked said she'd buy it. I told her she could have it, she's already given me enough money and it was just sitting on my entertainment center collecting dust anyway. Well Dad gave me 450 for it!! I told him to fuck off, that I didn't need it, use it to buy presents and shit, he threatened to kick my ass if I didn't take it, seriously, he got that for real look. I know they feel obligated to help and shit but I fucking hate it, it only makes me feel more like shit! Now I am all pissed... I'm gonna go work on my SImpsons puzzle, which will probably only piss me off more.... Merry fucking Christmas to all!

Finals.... oh and I am a Genius

2007-12-12T14:40:00.000-05:00

YEp it's finals week! Luckily I am only taking 3 classes, and my EMT class is like 2 semesters so I took the midterm yesterday. Well Monday I don't think I did well in my psychology, I couldn't remember most the essays but I think I did good on the multiple choice. I could probably get a zero and still pass the class, my lowest grade on a test in there was a 98... We got to do a IQ test for bonus points and it turn out I am smart as hell, well we all already knew that!! I got a 120, tied the highest shes had in her classes, that puts me in the 91 percentile, 125 is worth a shot into MENSA, the highest you can get is 144. I told my parents that I am a genius, we've always had a joke about my A+ math, I've always been an A math student but when I'd talk with them about something I'd usually mess it up because I'd try to do it in my head instead of on paper, and they'd say theres that A+ math. So now they'll probably start everytime I do something stupid, "Theres that 120 IQ" at least thats my guess. I did great on the math but not so great on the verbal, I think it is because the writers of the test don't appreciate the word FUCK and its many meanings. Fuck the fucking fuckers... A whole sentence!! Oh well...

So yeah my EMT midterm I failed by 2 questions, I hate saying failed because "failing" is less than an 80% which is stupid and the questions are tricky, the last 2 tests we were able to argue and get several questions marked right because they were too close to choose between 2 of them. But yesh so I got a damn 78... Next is Biology on Friday, and as you can see below how I feel about that class! I am not studying...at all... if the test is about the bigotry we've learned the past couple weeks I should be ok, I think he said it wasn't covering everything from the whole semester so I can probably just put kill the blacks and jews for every answer and get a 100... OH YEAH!! one class about evolution we got to watch the Simpsons clip where it shows a blob who eventually evolves into Homer, but it was narrated by Mr. Garrison from South Park, and we had to write about it... It says at the end that we were created from 4 monkeys having butt sex with a fish squirell, thats all I worte and I got a 90!! It was funny as shit! Then I plan on getting drunk this weekend!! It just sucks I gotta work so I can't party all night!! Oh well, I suppose I'll survive! No more school the rest of the year though after this week!!!!

BLAH!!

2007-12-04T16:23:00.000-05:00

I am tired as hell!! As usual! I don't know what it is I just always seem to be tired. I am have just been in a blah mood again! Why can't my body and mind just stay steady!! It really is annoying. For some reason I keep thinking about my next tattoos, I can't stop thinking and planning them even though it is going to be quite a while before I have enough money for them. I think I need to first get something on my other arm which is probably going to be a half rotted heart with a dagger through it and then I have been thinking about getting a banner across the top of my chest with some cool quote or something in it... I have been debating on quite a few and then trying to decide if I want it in latin or not, then I started thiniking since I have been having trouble deciding maybe I could make like several banners with different sayings... why, I don't know maybe because my mind is going haywire! I am having some troubles sleeping again... I just lay and toss and turn. They say I am going to get more hours at work starting next week!! Finally, its only one extra day a week but its better than not working! I am going to get my hair cut tomorrow, I made an appointment, I have no clue what the hell I wanna do with it but it is long and I can't do anything with it now and I need to start my clinicals at the hospitals ER soon, I kinda wanted to do it while I am on break from school here the next couple weeks so I need to look professional and hot because when we were in there for orientation there were some hotties... What about the chick below, who knows, she lives in a different town and is busy with school and work... who knows, I think she'd definately be fun to hook up with!! Maybe thats my problem, its been a while since I've been laid! Bout time to find a new fuck buddy and hope this one isn't crazy... I think I am going to start my Simpsons puzzle that I have had for about a year now, maybe that'll keep me busy. I need a new book but there is no real bookstaores here and the library sucks balls!! I need my uncle Tom and Rinker to recommend some kick ass books!!!

I just noticed how I jump from subject to subject a little more and faster than usual, thats how my brains been acting... Oh yeah I found out recently in my EMT class a little more about my low blood sugar... When I used to pass out alot, I was having seizures! So I have a history of seizures and hypoglycemia also causes altered mental status, which may be my entire problem with life! Seriously, we checked our blood levels in class, the average normal is between 80-120, mine was at 50, 40 is insulin shock(unconsciousness), the teacher asked how I felt and I felt normal... so according to the book I apparently almost always have altered mental status! Because I old him I don't remember getting angry or violent before I passed out like the book said, I just kind of feel it coming on and try to sit or lie down... Just another thing to add to the list of things wrong with me... I need to find a real doctor "House" and see if he can solve me... With my physical problems and my mental problems, I could be a whole season on the show!! Well I think I'll start my puzzle now!!

New Girl....yeah right...

2007-11-29T16:42:00.000-05:00

So back when I was with CF, we went out with some of my friends barhopping and I met a couple of their friends who were HOT! One had a boyfriend who she was on the phone with all night but the other was hotter anyway. Then like 2 weekends ago when the last UFC payperview was I invited my friends to meet up at the sports bar to watch it and she ended up coming... shes the type of beauty that was wearing scrub bottoms a huge sweatshirt, glasses and had her hair half pulled up and still looked amazing! So I gave her some shit because I tried to add her on myspace and she denied me and I sent her a message inviting her to my Bday party that we talked about the first time and stuff. But we were talking and she does the home health care thing that I am doing. Of course I was distracted by watching UFC and trying to kill each other so the conversation was kinda limited. Well amist the myspace bullitens she put out one where I could fill out what I thought about her and stuff, so I did and she did it back on me and it said how her first impression was I was nice, cool, and she wanted to get to know me better and stuff and there was a question about if shed date me and she put maybe if she got to know me more. So we started texting last night and she is an LPN working towards her RN, she was asking me about the EMT thing and I mentioned about how I have been thinking about trying to get on a chopper and work on lifeflight and stuff and she asks if I am fucking kidding. I said no why she said she wanted to do the same. So we started messing with each other about that and she said I can be her sidekick and stuff since there is an RN and medic on the flights. It was just kinda crazy how we were clicking, and I know I am getting way too into thinking about it, cause thats what I always do! Look back at the what 3 years I've posted on this blog and each month there is the same fucking thing. But I thought I'd put it down on here to remember anyway, in the slightest chance that something does happen, yesterday was the convo that started it... Hey I can dream can't I...

In other news, not a whole lot going on. This semester of school is almost over, christmas is almost here, I am broke as shit. Work says I will get more hours towards the end of next month. My son had in school suspension yesterday for not listening, so me and his mother had a huge long talk with him about that. Now I told him I have to drive all the way out to hius school every week to talk to his teacher and find out how he's doing because he is lying about it and just saying he got yelled at for talking and not how much trouble he actually got in! Well I better get to typing my Biology report, I may bitch about the class tomorrow...fucking retards, the funny part is my lab partners are 2 high school guys who are pretty cool and very smart and not nearly as ignorant as the rest of the class! Any way I'm out fo now. Later!!

Ignorance is Bliss

2007-11-25T16:10:00.000-05:00

Now that I have given thanks I can go back to bitching! I'm just kinda in one of those moods today, maybe because I am dealing with shit and arguing with myself in my head, I wanna go get something to get drunk but I won't, I wanna go to a concert Friday but I am broke, I need food and gas but I am broke. Here is what I was thinking about on my way back from dropping the kid off so I wouldn't stop at the liquor store. I and many have said ignorance is bliss, thouse who thinking otherwise are fucking idiots. You may be an optomist who will tell me about how good your life is or hell how lucky I am about something I may not see... You can have the perfect fucking life, but you are still ignorant. Look at the problems in the world, we have people with millions and billions of dollars but yet people with none and living on the street and eating out of the garbage. I would like to believe these millionaire think about those people but I am sure they don't. And that is fucking retarded. We have little girls going into or being forced into prostitution to make money because they know they can make money fast that way. I am being completely honest, I would do it in a heartbeat if I thought people would pay me for it and if it wasn't illegal. Hell I have put serious thought in trying to be a stripper but I couldn't find one around here for guys. This economy is based on the almighty dollar and people will do anything and disreguard anyone for it especially themselves. It makes me sick when I think about it as I'm sure it does most other people, that is why we ignore it!

Second thoughts, my heart or lack there of. As I stated before around April/May I lost 3 people that were close to me, 2 by death and the other by my own doing. Around that time I also fucked up my toe and have dealt with a black and blue toenail that is close to coming off. I think I am going to miss it. Its crazy to look how I and everything else has changed in 6 months. I completely shaved my head around that time as well, now I look like a guy that was in Dazed and Confused. I had lots of money back then, nothing to worry about, I said I was broke if I had less than 500 in my checking account and always had a savings to back it up. But it has all changed, in that time I went through and emotional trainwreck. I didn't know what to do what to say or how to feel and after crying, throwing fits, wishing myself dead, and drowning myself in alcohol I entered and emotional coma. I am sleeping RC(far from beauty). I've tried to meet women, it was fun while it lasted but I am incapable of opening up, I keep telling myself it is too soon. I didn't have feelings for anyoen for a year and a half after my wife and she fucked me over real good and I didn't like her much to begin with. But then I look at my friends who have all carried a piece of my heart with them, now scattered all over the world. Most of them probably keep it shoved in the back of a closet and forgot all about it. Thanks to myspace I can get a message from a few once in a while to let me know they are still alive but thats it. I don't call any of them because I don't have much to say. Hows your life? Mine is ok I guess, I am poor, going to school, working, I've put on 10 lbs of muscle the past month or so, I cut back on drinking, quit smoking and thats it. Life story of the past year in 2 minutes. Its easier to put it on myspace. I tried to IM Chris a few times lately to see how he's been, he usually just ignores me and never answers back. I have become just a memory to most. There are a couple back here well one old friend who has tried to get me into the group though with sceduling conflicts its hard to keep in and then they forget to invite me sometimes since they just aren't used to it or they know I am working or have my kid or I was invited last night I knew my parents would watch him but I can't afford to go out. And it sucks! Life seems that it will always suck! I wasn't happy sitting on my ass not doing anything, I was somewhat content being to busy cause at least the bills were getting paid and now I am just busy enough to not be able to do things with friends but not working enough to make any money. So I am fucked just like always so this is what I do at times like these, I want to go get drunk and either get in trouble, get in a fight, or fuck someone. Nice easy goals that I know I can accomplish at least one if not all, all at once. But I fight it, I have become a fighter lately fighting for myself when before I was always the last one I gave reguard for. I have to fight my urges to be stupid just because things aren't going my way. I have to ignore all the bad shit that I go through, I have to ignore my problems. You may say ignoring them won't make them go away, but they are things that can't be dealt with. I have been keeping my eyes open for new jobs that could get rid of one problem but the rest is all unsolvable. My life is unsolvable, the best thing to do is ignore. I have noticed I am happiest when I am working out because I am listening to music that I love and I am working towards a goal I have had since I was little. I will admit, I am starting to look good, well my face still needs work but my body is on its way to being awesome! And my body works out its frustrations as I drown myself in music and igore the rest of the world. Its just me, music, and whatever I am doing in that moment. Nothing else matters and as I smirk into the mirror I know Ignorance is Bliss!!

Thanksgiving...and Madina Lake and Mayday Parade

2007-11-22T21:28:00.000-05:00

Lets start off with Thanksgiving... I am thankful I have a healthy son and my family is doing pretty good, I am in good health physically and getting along ok mentally. I wouldn't be without my family, my parents are great and I love them. They keep trying to help me even though I try not to let them. I am poor as shit since they cut my hours at work, my pay check was only enough to pay my car insurance, I have lots of other bills, they keep trying to give me money even though they don't have much, they are worried about buying christmas presents for me and my son, I severly doubt I am going to be able to afford gas to and from school next week let alone presents. I am going to have to start using my credit cards again and probably get myself in trouble. Hopefully I might get some income tax back next year, maybe I can catch up a bit on it then, we'll see...there I go on the negatives instead of the good again....

So The concert was great!! It was my first time at headliners in Toledo, its a lot closer and reminded me of Black cat well the stage and everything, the atmosphere wasnt even close! But this was the last night of the tour and the bands were having fun and it was great! I'm not going to go through each band cuz all were awesome, there was We the Kings, Powerspace, Madina Lake, and Mayday Parade. During all the bands other bands members would come out and mess around, but it added to the fun. They wrapped people in serane(sp?) wrap and electrical tape while they were playing and during the last songs they started taking the drum kit apart while they were playing. They were throwing toilet paper around. I think it was the singer of We the Kings got caught on fire so they stoped that. They had hairspray and a lighter and was shooting it around and caught his back but they kept going. It was just fun as hell. Getting there I felt bad cuz I was like the oldest person other than some kids parents, but as the show went on other people showed up, I think they were just afraid of being seen there early or something. I didn't get into any fights or anything but I did almost kill some little girl. All night me and another dude were picking up people to crowd surf, soon girls just came up and was asking us, well one girl I picked up and she started to fall in front of me so we got under her and kinda tossed her, but she went over the crowd and up to the stage, I think the security guy caught her. We freaked out, we didnt mean to throw her that hard or anything, I hope she was ok. She just kinda disappeared. But besides that it was fun. Well TIme for me to get back to tv. Later, Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday Night Darkness

2007-11-16T19:50:00.000-05:00

SO here I sit bored out of my mind on a friday night. It wouldn't be so bad if there was something on tv! I already watched Saw 4 on the comp here and may have to watch Oceans 13 too. I really wanna go get a bottle or some beer or something but we all know that that won't solve anything and would probably just make me lonlier and I'd go out and do some stupid shit. I may just work out, I was gonna take today off but fuck it,, I can use it. So I've noticed my mind wondering again when I lie down to sleep. It was weird to notice it the other night. I've been just lying down and going to sleep, but I noticed myself thinking and I found it odd that I hadn't been lately. Well thinking has led to wierd dreams, luckily I forget after waking up except one crazy one. I was in a car and my son was in the passanger seat and there was a lion in the backseat and I kept saying to ignore it and whatever but it kept clawing at my arm and nibbleing at it. Well this is what the dream dictionary says: "To see a lion in your dream, symbolizes great strength, aggression and power. You will overcome your emotions and/or difficulties. To dream that you are attacked by a lion, indicates that you have many obstacles to overcome. You must resist the force that is driving you to self-destruction." The force driving me to self destruction is my life, how do I resist my life? I resist living enough, I always revert to being a hermit and not going out and living life like I should. Well either that or I get drunk and do stupid shit which is almostr living too much. Where is the balance? But I am not getting drunk so I guess that is a start, I played my guitar all last night until my fingers hurt, I picked it up for a bit tonight but its boring playing the same crap over and over again, I can't really learn anything. I need to put an ad out for a hot chick who knows how to play to teach me so I can kill 2 birds with one stone. I can learn to play better and hang out... right... Well I do think I am gonna work out... oh yeah..

Yeah I got into it in Biology again, we were "learning" about evolution but he just kept showing how fossils and things have been the same for millions of years and pretty much saying things didn't evolve. So I argued about how elephants have changed since mastadons to wolly mammoths to elephants and he said that was all theory and that they could be seperate animals like dogs and cats and stuff. I asked where any creationism proof is or is it all theory, he didn't have an answer, fucking retard! Its all bullshit and who cares.

Procrastonating...

2007-11-13T16:27:00.000-05:00

I am probably the worlds biggest procrastonator! I am supposed to be writing a psych paper right now but I don't feel like it. I should go out and do something, it is warmer out and I am all dressed up! We had to go for orientation at the hospital where we will do our clinicals for our EMT class, we couldn't wear jeans. SO I put on my nice black Khakis, the nice shirt I bought for my DUI court hearing, I shaved :( I look funny after having a nice little goatee for a while. But have to look good so I can make good impression and all that happy shit. I think I mentioned in my last bitching session that I have been working out. Especially since they cut my hours at work. I start off running a mile or a mile and a half and then lift and shit. I am gonna get ripped as hell so the hunnies will be drooling over me! so far I put on 5 pounds of muscle! maybe I'll put up some before and after pics after a couple months or something. I can see a definate difference. I think my metabolism is finally slowing down, either that or just after the years of getting lifting and nutritional advise from so many different people and accumulating them all into, what I have been doing is finally working. I feel good, I love working up a good sweat! And since I don't have a girl to help me "work out", I guess I got to actually work out... Oh well. Thats weird how I am digging running though, I always hated it. I guess I'm going through a midlife crisis, I'm probably not gonna make 50. I mean look, the past couple months, I quit smoking, I hardly drink anymore, though I wanna, I just don't have the money...lol. I enjoy running, I'm going to school and doing pretty good, I think I've been being a good dad lately. He's actually been cuddleing with me, he hasn't done that since he was a baby, this weekend he layed with me and we watched tv. It felt good. I've turned me around a bit, I just need to get some emotions back, and I need to get a life and a good job. I can't go out and meet people because I am broke and most people around here are idiots as I said in the post below! I am going to a concert next Tuesday, its a little closer, up in Toledo. Going to see Madina Lake and Mayday Parade, some good bands... is it just me or is almost all good music about breaking up and stuff. I guess I am not the only one who can't really write anything good when they are happy. But yeah I will probably go there alone since it is a tuesday and everyone around here sucks ass! I need a concert buddy! I'm working on it...

Biology Bitching!!

2007-11-09T12:40:00.000-05:00

First of all I hate my fucking biology class and not so much the class as the teacher and the fucking people in it. The people in this area are so fucking retarded! I am almost positive I was never that fucking closed minded! before we spent an entire class talking about how some of the kids, yes some are still in high school but taking college classes, grew up and never saw a black person before and how tramatizing it was when one moved into their neighborhood. Then we talk about how stupid they thing evolution is. Let me get this straight you think it is stupid to think that the world has evolved out of a single cell. Yeah how stupid is that, we all know that a dude snapped his fucking fingers and created the world! For me honestly both are too fucking extreme and to be honest who really gives a flying fuck!! We are here, we have documentation of what has happened for a couple hundred years, thats good enough! Fucking people! I swear I am far from fucking sofisticated but these people make me sick to believe that I grew up here. I hate it! my baby mama was talking about moving to Oklahoma or some shit again, she's mentioned it before. I honestly think that if she does I am going back into the Navy and getting the hell out of here. If my son is not here I have no reason to be here. I don't make shit for money, I can't do shit for fun, I still only have a couple friends, and I am fucking miserable living as a bum! I don't know if miserable is the right term but I hate the fact that I have to rely on my parents for food sometimes and the fact I am always broke and have no money to go have fun or have to drive 2 hours to see a good concert and still don't really have anyone to go with. Hell if I am gonna live like this I might as well be living in the barracks or on a ship and getting paid more right. I miss it unfortunatly! I miss meeting people with totally different backgrounds and still having the same views or just being able to meet new people in general. Around here I don't really wanna because they are fucking idiots, I know there are a lot in the military too but there you are kinda forced to meet everyone, here I can choose not to. I don't remember where I was going with all of this but for real I am tired of these stupid fucking ignorant redneck fuckers! I joke around sometimes about racist shit and stereotypes and everything but in all honesty anyone is a person and I have no opinion of them until they give me something, talk to me, I see you act a certain way to form an opinion. I'm not gonna sit here and think all black people are criminals, all asian are super smart, and all fucking white males are evil! Yeah we also talked about how tall white males are the perferred choice of women, I am a tall white male, and yeah look at me fight them fucking off with a stick!! FUcking morons! Maybe god should have snapped his fingers a little fucking harder in some of their brains, or just squished them! I'm out, need to go workout or something. I have been working out at least 3 times a week, I can run a mile in 8 minutes again, I am actually starting to enjoy running...me, I must be fucking losing my mind here right!

Mindless is the way to be....

2007-11-05T22:06:00.000-05:00

SO thanks in part to CF asking me about my feelings and me feeling like a dick for not feeling I opened my mind to try to figure out why. I typed it of course cuz it took me a while to figure it out and its something I wouldn't want to say in person. It pretty much said I am no longer a whole person and I hope my heart is like my liver and can rebuild itself, well not my liver since I continuously abuse my liver but the liver is very regenerative. Though I don't drink much again. Anyways so it will probably take a long time for me to be able to open my heart if I don't have one and such. I mean it took what 2 years after my exwife before I dated someone and that was HB, the rest was just kinda fun and I didn't even get along with my wife. She wants to put thoughts and feelings into everything, I just want to live and enjoy the few moments... I kinda enjoy not thinking or feeling, theres always ups and downs to everything. I've been feeling like a hippie lately, I hate hippies but they kinda have it right. Just live, though money still sucks and makes me worry, the rest fuck worrying about how someone feels about you, if someone is cheating on you, what they'd think if you did whatever. Fuck that shit! Fuck looking for love, I mean you only find what you're looking for when you stop looking right, and I think I have been looking while lying to myself. And then I find CF who wants and deserves more than I can give right now and she is beating herself up about it thinking its her fault I am not happy and shit. It sucks, check another life I ruined, damn at least there is one thing I know I am good at, actually quite a few its just none are really beneficial to my goals. I am a sadistic fuck, I can come up with great torurous situations, I can ruin peoples lives, I am great at fucking with people, I can make anyone feel like shit if I get to know them, and I know some useless facts and shit. And shit since I'm heading down the dark path on this post I've been thinking about death lately. JUst death in general, what happens if I die tomorrow how would my friends find out, like chris, ech, john, or brown... my mom isn't gonna know how to get ahold of anyone, none of my friends know anyone, you know. And vice-versa how would I know if anyone else died, no one really talks anymore except the occasional email or myspace comment and if they don't respond I don't think much of it, how long would it be until I would know.

Not thinking is the way to be. Thinking especially over thinking just causes pain and suffering. Ignorance is bliss only in some cases, but being mindless... you can enjoy everything, just like when we were kids!

Bloodsimple, Otep, and Hellyeah

2007-10-31T19:32:00.000-04:00

So last night for devils night CF and I drove up to Detroit to see a concert, I wanted to go see Otep plus it was the day that their new highly anticipated CD was released, even though I found a copy last week. I thought maybe they would sign them or do something cool. I didn't think I would be able to go because I would have been working except they cut my hours so I didn't have to, I asked CF if she wanted to go, she agreed to. We got there around 530 and we thought the doors were supposed to open at 630 but it ended up being later and there was a line so we sat at the bar and had some beers and talked and stuff, we ended up getting a little tipsy and into some good conversations. She said she had to call it off because she thought she was making me unhappy, I had to explain to her that I am just pretty much an unhappy person, I can't help it. I am just blah, it may be about time to watch John Q and see if I can still cry, I almost put in butterfly effect the other day cuz I saw it on tv, but thankfully I wanted Planet Terror since I downloaded it the other day...anyway I digress. I explained that I just don't really feel, I am not happy, I am not sad, I am not depressed, and I don't know why. She kept saying I needed to find something that makes me happy, something for myself. I try I like playing my guitar but only for a little while cuz then I only play the few things I know and then I get frustrated with it. I write sometimes but then I block, the only thing I had been somewhat excited about recently was getting my tat and watching it come around but that was only excitement.

We got into the place, it was trick or freak so people were dressed up, some good costumes, some bad ones. Bloodsimple was the first band, I liked them they rocked. I tried to stay back cuz I didn't want CF to get hurt but she said lets go up front so we got pretty close, there was quite a big pit so I tried to keep her safe. I took a couple pics and security yelled at me and came and asked me why I was taking pics, I just said because and they said I couldn't, bastards. For SIlverstein they just said I couldn't use my flash but whatever so I tried to sneak 2 of Otep that didn't look to come out so good. Otep was fucking awesome! Gawd she is pretty hot too! Crowd definately got rowdier. A couple guys dressed as slipknow came up and started banging around and got in front of us and kept squishing CF so I put a good elbow into the back of ones head, when I did I accidently punched a HUGE dude next to me in the side of the head so I quickly apologized to him, he said no prob he say what I did and said he was about to do the same. They guys in front settled down a bit, I told them between songs I am just trying to keep CF from getting smashed, if they wanna pit, get in the fucking pit! But on Oteps new album they cover Nirvana's Breed, I in most cases don't think any band should cover NIrvana though I believe it was Action Action when I saw them did a good cover and Oteps is great. Unfortunately they didn't sign autographs. we hung back a ways for Hellyeah cuz I know it was gonna get rougher since that was who everyone probably came to see, I like them but I went mainly for Otep and others probably didn't even know who they were. But HEllyeah kicked ass and said they were playing their whole album, we didn't stay for it all since we had a 2-2 1/2 hour drive back but we stayed for probably half the set. They said it was the first night of the tour so if they come near you definatly go check it out, it is a pure rock and fucking roll kick ass tour!

Happy Halloween everyone hope you are having fun, I am doing jack shit and probably just watching Ghosthunters live episode until 3am, hopefully my old ass can stay up for it. Last night my back and knees were killing me, I'm not as young as I used to be going to concerts every week and getting up at 630 the next morning!

Breakups are so cliche

2007-10-24T17:49:00.000-04:00

We need to come up with new reasons for breakups. CF just broke up with me via myspace IM, she said she needs her space and time to herself and that kind of stuff. We need to come up with new reasons, not too much a big deal. Kelbel, guess ur advise came too late. I am not really upset because well if u read the rest obviously I was unsure but the thing that pisses me off is how things go down all at once. Lets say that I was madly in love, just for this scenerio. Monday I had a meeting for work, they cut my hours to shreds, I worked yesterday and don't work again until next weekend, not this weekend, the one next month. Because I haven't had time, I stayed up all night writing a paper for my damn Psychology class because I haven't had time between school and work, and today my girlfriend breaks up with me. HB, my uncle died, my great grandpa dies, then she breaks up with me. My exwife well she took everythting I paid for, my son and hooked up with her cousin. I mean COME ON! WHY! Now I know I am fucked up in the head, I have problems, I hate most of the world, but even though I hate most I am still respectful and nice to the world, I just talk a lot of shit. I shouldn't be destined to such bad fucking Karma, it comes in 3s. Seriously. I mean what we may have made it a month, hell, I don't think either of us know. I don't remember if I said in the last post or not but I don't even remember our first kiss cuz I was wasted at the bar....Nerves...lol. Thats how u know its not gonna be good if u don't remember ur first kiss or even when u started dating. I need to go buy me a blow up doll, I don't think I can marry my hand but maybe a blow up doll! Won't talk back, won't care if I don't show her my emotions, won't care if I look at other girls, won't care if I fuck other girls. At least it gives me something to bitch about, and maybe something good to write though I did come up with what I think is a good line while driving to work the other day about hanging my heart from a noose. I'm thinking about trying to tie it in to the next attoo I've been thinking about, of course I need to figure out how to pay my bill, save money for europe, and well buy groceries and all that happy horseshit! Well time to go downstairs and eat my parents food, I really feel like a college student, the ones you see on tv at least. Oh yeah my psych paper had to be on a school shooter and I kinda realized why I was a suspect for one....

Fuck this...

2007-10-17T23:58:00.000-04:00

Yeah I have been way to fucking busy, like right now at midnight I should be writing a fucking Biology paper but I don't feel like it, I'll write it tomorrow, Thursday used to be MY day a day with no school but now I still have to work. This shit is starting to get to me a bit, not having any time for myself. Even being busy my mind still wonders to things I shouldn't be thinking about like the past or future. School is the same as always not too bad, I seem to being doing well in my classes except Biology since the teacher is a moron and I have no clue how I am doing. Work has its ups and downs, the guy I work for/take care of had an episode a couple days ago and was banging on shit and threw a hug fit and was threatning me and we all know I don't do well being threatened. I kinda got in his face and he was scared to be confronted cuz the rest of the people are small girls but as soon as I turned and backed off a bit he just got worse and was kicking cabinets and stuff, he never tried to touch me but I still think it made matters slightly worse so now I at least know he shouldn't try to touch me and not to confront him that much, he has been better and more respectful towards me since then though.

CF and I had a little chat online the other day, I think she is also scared by confrontation, I guess I am too if I am not the one initiating it. She asked me what I wanted out of this relationship, I hesitated for quite a while thinking. I don't remember what I said but mainly I just want to be happy, I like hanging out with her and talking to her, that was about it, I thought about saying a friend I could make out with and have sex with, I mean to put it plainly all I did was explain a friend, I left out the sex, then countered with what does she want, and typical woman just says for me to be happy. I told he that it shouldn't be at the expanse of her happiness, then said I needed to go to bed cuz I had to get up early for class. She says I don't open up to her and shit, to be honest I don't really feel emotions lately, I don't think I have time for it. I start thinking about stuff that kinda gets me down and stuff but I redirect myself towards schoolwork or seldomly play my guitar or the ever effective watch TV! To be honest I don't think it will last til New Years. But I feel bad because my son likes hers and stuff and it's gonna end awkward like everything else. But in my thinkings I don't think I am able to express emotions, I feel like I do because I am pretty up front and honest but my honesty doesn't really express well my emotions on my arm. I told her the other night I have a wall in my chest and I am not sure if there is a heart still in there or not. I don't think I am ready for a relationship yet at least not the kind I think she wants. I'll also keep repeating, I don't think any woman will measure up to HB or be able to fill that void. I hope that someday I will feel that way again, that instant connection, the love at first date type thing we had. And thats what bothers me, its not so much her, I am over the fact of what happened but after feeling like that I just wonder if its possible to come around again. Is it that we all have just one soul mate or do we have many? Will I experience it again or will I end up settling? Its always the questions that fuck us over. DO I dive in head first or wlk in slowly, do I stay here and try or move on? What if aliens abduct me tonight and shove huge satelite up my ass? does that make me gay? WHat if I ruled the world? QUestions...Fuck this I need to sleep!

Blurry Bday

2007-10-04T10:38:00.000-04:00

So I guess my birthday was memorable. It started out my parents came out, I taught my dad to play beer pong and we won a couple games, then they left and hell broke loose. Ok so not really hell but I started to get fucked up. Only a few of my friends actually came out which kinda sucked but a bunch of hers came and some of them were old friends of mine. We played beer pong most the night. Then of course I had to do some keg stands and then just drink right from the tap. I remember almost getting into a fight with 2 of her friends who were being dicks and kept talking shit. My drunk ass just kept talking luckily I was able to control myself by talking to CF and a buddy, they left and then I don't remember much else. I woke up on the floor CF claims I threw up on her, I have a small recolection of throwing, well heaving, into a bowl. She had to go to work at like 10 the next morning when she left I moved myself to the bathroom where there was no sun and cuz I felt like I was still gonna get sick. I didn't but I did sleep on the floor in there for about 4 hours. Some how I ripped a huge hunk of skin off my thumb, I have no idea how or on what, no one does. CF said there was blood on her toilet from where I probably cut it then went in and lifted the seat to take a leak so we figure it was either in her bedroom or in the bathroom there. All in all it was a good time. I held it all in until like 4 or 5 am I think cuz the pics show me doing kegs stands at 330am, gawd bless timers on my camera and the fact that CF had my camera...lol.

Aside from that I have been busy as hell between school and work, I started working out again this week, I am sore as fuck! CF is getting annoying a bit, I barely have enough free time to do my homework and she wants to come over whenever I am home. Yesterday she called at 730am, while I was sleepin and asked if she could come over, I said I didn't care but I was sleepin til 10, so she came over and slept for a couple hours before I had to leave for school. I'll keep saying it, I don't understand why my heart is still so guarded, she is cool as shit, shes not bad looking, a little chunky but shes been running and stuff, shes always happy. And yet I don't know if I can see myself falling for her. Maybe I am gonna be unable to fall for anyone, maybe I can't put the pieces back together...

2007-09-27T10:51:00.000-04:00

So the new job is going well so far, we'll see what I think after tonight though. The past 2 nights I have had someone there with me and tonight will be my first night on my own. I pretty much just hang out with a 40 some year old guy with mental handicap. It is pretty easy so far but I have been warned about when he blows up to watch out. He was acting up a bit yesterday and getting temperamental and trying to push my buttons. No different than my son except this guy could hurt me if he wanted, they said hes never hit anyone but still theres always a first time for anything. School has been going pretty good still, except I hate Biology which I have tomorrow, I don't remember if I went into it on here about how much of a stupid douchebag my teacher is or not. Last week I was really close to getting up and just beating the shit out of him for being a dumbass and pissing everyone off. I am sure if I would have gotten up and initiated it, the rest of the class would have followed. It was bad. He knows nothing and can only teach what he knows. He is not a people person and I want to make it my goal to get him fired if I had more time! But between school, work, hanging out with my girlfriend and my son and him playing soccer and flag football all my time is pretty well consumed at the moment. Although I have figured out that I have about an hour between school and work and since work is closer to school than home I will start working out at the gym at school in between. So thats one perk, the last 2 days I went straight from school to work only to sit in my car and try to take a nap until it was time to go in, he doesn't get home until 330 and we can't really clock in until 315 so I just sat. Going to be a busy weekend, gotta go get the keg tomorrow, get the kid tomorrow, have a small family get together I guess, then Saturday gotta take the kid for soccer, then drop him off with his mom and go start getting fucked up!! Then sometime I need to write a psychology paper thats due Monday. I would work on it today but I am busy doing all my Biology shit thats due tomorrow that I have no clue on what to do because as I said my teacher is an idiot! But whatever. I've been debating about how much of an ass to be on my Bday, I have to make it memorable since the last 3 have been, I need to keep the streak going... 22-was on stage at a strip club in front of people I worked with and striped and spanked, 23- Was almost shot going to dinner with Chris, DQ, and Zefyurs girl, 24-was the getaway with HB. See we got some good and bad mixed in there, I guess I'll start tame and if it starts to get too boring, I'll probably have to pick a fight with someone. CF was been trying to do way to much for this thing, she was going to drive to PA to get me some Yuengling but then ended up haveing to work so she tried to order it online but they called and said they couldn't send it or someshit, shes gonna pay for the keg which I suggested and was going to buy since its at her house and will probably get kinda trashed. She keeps talking about getting me something else. I feel like a dick, my son keeps asking about the last chicks little girls and when he can go play with them again. I had to tell him they are with their dad cuz I don't talk to her anymore, she was still pissed at me or something so I said whatever. I am afraid of this happening with CF too, it's not gonna work, but I think with her maybe we will still be able to be friends and hopefully the kids can still hang out. Who the hell knows. I just gotta keep on being honest to her and myself and see what happens. Well back to the homework...Yay! NOT!!

Quicky...

2007-09-20T09:56:00.000-04:00

Just kind of a quick update. I had my 2 day orientation for the new job, it still seems cool, but it sucks I had to get my TB shot again and get it read before I can find out when I start actually working, I got the shot Tuesday and have to get it read today so I can finally call and hopefully start working soon as shit because I am broke as a joke and my bills are piling again! The fucking GI Bill is still fucking with me, they say I am only a 3/4 time student even though I have enough credits to be a full time student, full time would pay me an extra 200 a month which obviously I could really use! I keep telling myself that once I get the money from them things will start to get better cuz I wasn't making shit as a cook, barely enough to pay my car payment and insurance let alone my utilities and shit. But fuck it, I am trying, not much I can really do at the moment, I was trying to look for a guy strip club to see if they had amature night, I'd get drunk and go shake my wee wee for some money! WHo knows maybe I'd find a new carrer. Things with CF have still been going pretty good, shes been getting some drama from her ex but she just kinda gets upset for a couple minutes and shes right back to being happy and in a good mood, I wish I could do that shit. I don't remember if I mentioned it before but we are having a kegger at her house for my Bday, it should be fun as hell, I wanna teach my dad to play beer pong, I think that would be funny as shit. Speaking of my dad I need to go help him finish putting a roof on the garage, we tore it off yesterday. But figured I'd drop a line.

I had to say something...

2007-09-10T14:58:00.000-04:00

So shortly after my last post, I went to work for my last day which was nice and short and pretty easy. I need to giver her a nickname or something now so lets go with.... CF cuz I am running out of nicknames I'll just use her initials, so CF is the girl from the previous post not to be confused with CG from a while ago. SO CF came up to work to see me, and before she left she asked if I got her text, I said no cuz I keep the ringers off at work and she said to check it when I got a chance. She sent me a text to ask me if I would go out with her, so being the smart ass I am I say where to buy me more time and she just said steady, I told her I'd call her after work. So I discussed my situation with my co-workers. Shes cool and everything but I'm still unsure about a relationship status, I mean I am not really a player or anything, if I am talking to or "seeing"(but not dating) someone, I am not usually making out with another chick or anything. So some of the guys at work made me see that it is pretty much the same thing except with a label. SO whats the big deal about a label, its not like marriage or moving in together or anything. So I called her and we hung out and I kept giving her shit about asking me out in a text and never actually gave her an answer. And what is the deal with women thinking sex and love go hand in hand.... HB told me she loved me while we were having sex for the first time, that I didn't mind because I was already in love with her... but last night after sex CF kinda mumbled something and I asked what and she just says I don't know if I can tell u yet and I am hoping to god that it was "I love you" and not that she has aids or clamidia or some shit like that! Just kiding I am 98% sure it was I love you, and if she does say it, I cannnot say it back. That makes me feel I am fucking with her emotions which I am not. I am far from ready to jump into another long term relationship, right now I just like hanging out, I enjoy her company, I don't mind being called her boyfriend or vise versa, but I am not to that level, maybe I will someday but right now I am not looking to plan a future with anyone! But yeah thats the case so far....

Here we go again....

2007-09-09T13:55:00.000-04:00

So yeah, I started talking to this girl. Its weird cuz around here a lot of faces look familiar and I think I should know them, well she was kind of one of them but we didn't go to school together or anything so it wasn't that, then eventually she heard my last name. Well a long long time ago, My uncle went to her school(he is only a couple years older than me) I went to one of his football games and met this cheerleader and a band chick, I ended up making out with the band chick, well this chick was the cheerleader. I was like wow, thats funny. But she is really cool, she has 2 kids. I don't know what the deal is with all these chicks with 2 kids but whatever. A boy whos 7 I think and girl whos 10 or somewhere like that. I met them yesterday the girl was good but the boy had some temper and anger problems. He punched his sis in the face like 3 times. It was crazy. But the way I see it, its not like I'm going to move right in or anything so I'm thinking about giving her a shot. We went out the other night and had fun and hung out and stuff and the only thing that kind of bothered me is that she said she was nervous about meeting me again and stuff and about the butterflies in her stomach... I didn't have any butterflies and I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I mean I didn't go expecting anything other than meeting up with someone I knew a long time ago. She really digs me and I don't know what I think. Shes cool, she's not bad looking, shes good company, she talks quite a bit but not too much just enough to fill in since I don't talk a lot. I guess only time will tell. Just hang out and hope its stays cool like this. I am making her throw me a Bday party, shes got a preety nice house so I told her shes having a party.

On a different note today is my last day as a cook, I was supposed to have my orientation for my other job last Thurday but the changed it to this coming Thurs, so I got like 3 days off til then, I'll still have school but it will be kinda relaxing. Though I really need the money, I am running on change! And more bills keep coming in, I have no clue when I am gonna get my money for going to school but it needs to be soon!

As of late

2007-09-03T22:26:00.000-04:00

So I was filling out another dumb myspace survey the other day while I was bored and it asked about a best friend, it kinda depressed me, I don't have a best friend anymore, hell I guess Dan here is my best friend, this blog is all I tell everything to anymore and he at least gives me some general comments back. Something about this place, I mean I have friends that I tell certain things to but I don't really have anyone who I can tell everything to without fear of being judged anymore. I don't remember the last time I talked to Chris but when I tried it was just het how are things, good, and general bullshit and that was it. He's probably better friends with HB now anyway since his wife and her are friends and they live closer and shit. It is sad though. I have been doing good, I am more comfortable with myself and everything and don't really care what happens, I know I am going to survive and be ok, but I miss having that one person who you can bear your darkest secrets with. I had Chris then he left and I had HB but now theres no one, I mean my closest and the person I trust the most is SM's brother who I've been hanging out with maybe once a month or so, I feel good talkin with him but thats few and far in between too, plus he just found out his girlfriend is pregnant and shit so I doubt he'll be going out much. The guys from work we just drink and BS there isn't real deep conversation there. I really miss CHris!! We were like brothers on the same lines, we had the fucked up sense of humor and yet we were the "nice guy" who always got fucked over. He tried to help me out with HB but I just kinda ignored it, I mean I tried but with all the other shit that was happening, I just got fucked up. Oh well ther I go dwelling on the past again. I have been doing great on not really thinking about that shit except I have been trying to write a couple songs. I thought about posting them on here but I doubt it, one of these days when I am off Wednesday or Thurday I am going to try to put the lyrics to a melody and play some shit on my guitar. I really want to start or be in a band, all I need is the talent and well someone to teach me how to play better. I work on my voice everyday in my car, I have got the screaming to sound a lot better and I think the vocal parts have been getting better toi, it really has helped to quit smoking, I can hear the difference from before. But whatever, I need to go to bed soon cuz I got school early tomorrow.

New Job....?

2007-08-31T14:13:00.000-04:00

So yeah I may be putting in my 2 week notice today. I had an interview Tuesday for a place that I thought was more geared to medical stuff, I filled out the application with all the others I was doing but all the job seems to entail from my interview is you go hang out with mentally handicap people. My buddy from the Navy does this in New York except he works at a group home and he loves it. Here they live on their own and you just go hang out for a couple hours, take them bowling or go to the movies and shit and get paid for it! They said there are some that you have to give them medication and stuff but a lot of them can do everything on their own. It is less hours but a little more an hour raise and they said I'd get a raise after so long. But the drop ins they were telling me about were like 4-8 which would be good for my school schedule plus I wouldn't be working late, It's just been over a week and I can see myself getting burnt out kinda fast. I have been trying to get as many hours at work as I can cause I really really need the money right now until I get the money for my GI Bill, they screwed up my financial aid so I had to pay 300 for my books and shit and I'm not sure if I have to pay the 7-800 for this EMT class or not, I just have no clue what is going on...but anyway I have been working late and Tuesdays and Fridays I have to be at school early with not much sleep. I am pretty tired and cranky right now but I can't sleep cause I got some homework to do and then gotta leave for work at 4. It sucks! So the schedule will be better, the pay an hour better but probably be getting less hours so smaller check, I won't relly be working, I won't be sweating my ass off all night slaving in a kitchen. SO I have been trying to decide, I think I am gonna put in my 2 week notice today and let them know whats going on and stuff just in case I wanna come back or whatever. I like the job though I do get irritated at times with how busy and rushed everyone gets and then people start to get hostile, I don't really like that, I try to remain calm and take things one at a time then someone comes over yelling and getting up in my grill(get it) then I get mad and so on. But I go for orientation for the mew place on Thursday, they seem to want to get me in as soon as possible which is great except I may have to try to work both for a week which I think would be impossible so I think I'll put my 2 weeks in today and then tell the other place next wek that I just need to wait a week to start or depending on my scedule what days I have off. I dunno hopefully everything will work out, I guess I'll see!! Well off to do some homework!

Weekend Review....

2007-08-27T20:43:00.000-04:00

So I haven't been home at all this weekend. First if I have any ones phone number(Martini if u still read) and you got drunkdialed Saturday, I am sorry, I didn't do it!! So Friday I went with a couple friends up to a cottage on the lake again, we just kinda hung out Friday played some cards and shit. Saturday we went out on the lake, did some swimming a guy skiied, 2 of us couldn't though because our feet were too big and the ski wouldn't go bigger, it sucked. Then we went to the store and got a shitload of beer and a guy bought some shots of liquor, oh yeah I gotta look that up. Quatro-tres, some spanish liqor that tasted so good like vinilla syrup! And Navy rum was good! Anyways we played beer pong which I kicked fucking ass in!! And then a guy got ahold of my phone and started calling a couple of the girls in my phone book, he called the crazy chick I was hooking up with in the latter posts and HB and SM or FSM whatever So I had a couple angry voicemails, but phone is messing up again like on the way to the concert it just dies, I took it to sprint and they said the battery was dead even though it charged all night so I just have to keep it on the charger and take it in tomorrow slightly charged. Dumbasses! But then yesterday I went with my parents to a casino, I didn't win enough to get more tattoos :( I broke even I lost 150 yeasterday and won it back today before we came home so wasn't too bad, my parents lost a couple hundred I guess, they didn't say much. I missed school today, my second day of Phycology class, that kinda sucks, I hope I'm not behind too much Wednesday, tomorrow I gotta get up early tomorrow for my first EMT class, hopefully I can get everything straight with that, I also have an interview for a place working with the handicap, they kinda took forever to call me back and now I guess they are holding mass interviews at least thats what it seems, but I am gonna try to kick into the place, I definately could use the extra money and I am tired of my face breaking out from working in fast food again, I don't think my coworkers will be wuite as fun but give and take, its all got good and bads right... Well I am off to do some homework and then try to get to bed early. And if u were drunkdialed, let me know what was said cuz HB didn't talk to me, the crazy chick is kind of ignoring my and SM hasn't returned my calls, I have no clue what was said, the guy IU think did it was wasted and says he doesn't remember so.... I can only apologize and say it really wasn't me!