Living with chronic pain

 I don't know where else to put this. I've had back pain for probably 10ish years now... I've had 2 back surgeries 6 months apart about 2 years ago for bulging herniated discs, both the same L4-L5. After the last one I suffered a seizure while leaving the hospital, they said it was just low blood sugar. After that surgery I couldn't sleep well. After testing they said my heart was ok, even tho I passed out on my tilt table test. They clamed neurocardiogenic syncope. Since that my pain has ranged 6-8 everyday since. 24/7.... I bought a nice watch to monitor my sleep. I rarely am still for 30 mins per night! They said I have insomnia, depression, chronic pain.  Last 2 years, I have a pulse that rarely drops below 90 while sleeping, high BP, now on meds but still are elevated. No one cares. Today I was almost crying all day at work, snapping at people who didn't deserve it. At this point, I can't do much of anything, I don't really care about anything, no one understands, doctors don't give a shit, there's no point in complaining or going to the ER cuz u know they will just give u bullshit that doesn't work. I will still be in pain and still will not sleep. It's pointless. Every night when I close my eyes, I pray(tho not religious) that I don't wake up... I just want to sleep... I can deal with the pain, I have for years... I just need a break, any fucking break! I have come to terms that I will suffer this probably for another 50 years... That's all I am here for is to suffer. Almost makes me wonder if this is actually hell. I may not be completely happy with my life other than the before mentioned.. I live a drama free boring life that would be ok if I could fucking sleep! I cannot stress how many meds I have tried over the 2ish years.... Does make you wonder where the line is... when is the point where u are just making things worse than better? When do you just become a burden? What am I suffering for? This is not a suicide note... If you have seen "Preacher", I would end up "asshole face". Living this long, you begin to understand that if you try to escape suffering, you will only be forced to live with that fuck up... So here I just sit, night after night on a heating pad, laying down by 10, with my phone off on worknights to practice good "sleep hygiene" which is bullshit. To suffer another sleepless night, to wake unrested, to go thru work in pain, to come home to TV and heating pad... Repeat until dead.

Many years later...

I know that no one actually blogs anymore... sometimes i am surprised that this page still exists... and he i sit blogging on my phone instead of computer.  But I've felt the need the need for months. Perhaps is just loneliness... if you have read any of the posts here you would know that i am not a stranger to loneliness... but this year had been probably my hardest....

January 2, 2010. I went on the first date with the one... July 19, 2013 she became my wife... and in typical fashion it got screwed up... ill take most the blame.  We both of course had or faults. But i would day towards the end i was edging her out.

So let's get into 2019, my worst year on record... a friend talked about how i lost my identity and nothing had been further from the truth. January 1st this year, i was active duty navy, i was a paramedic, i was a husband, father, homeowner, along with some bad identities.  But now all that's left is the bad... I'm an alcoholic asshole with suspended license who lives in an apartment with a cat.

So got booted from navy with 0 benefits. Due to a couple back surgeries i couldn't lift patients as a paramedic. Separated from wife, moved into apartment where i decided to get an ovi and lose my license.  I did get a job doing scheduling at a hospital with driving privileges to and from work...

All of my friends are married with babies. My son is 18... my stepkids do still come around but he i am back to square one.  Nothing but regret.  I would say that even with all the downs my wife was my soul mate and my best friend and i would give anything and everything to go back and change this outcome.  Even if i had to butterfly effect this for her to be happy.  I wish it was happy with me but i just want her to be happy period. I try to stay out of her way to happiness even tho i want to beg her everyday...

So I've tried all the dating apps even tho is hard to find someone in my small town let alone someone willing to drive somewhere within walking distance for me to meet them. Most of the times i don't even get a response or a like... it gets depressing.  Im 37 now and living in an apartment... I've tried to Express that i do not wanna live... I'm not suicidal by i am sick and tired of constantly landing here. Things have gotten better out of this place but that was before... I'm not going to get better.  My back isn't gonna fix itself.  Im going to live in this constant pain.  I can live sober but what's the point now? All i ever wonder is when is the suffering going to stop...

Another Update

SO as usual, things in my life change from day to day. On Friday my wife was screaming at me and told me that she hated me and wanted a divorce. After which I went for a drive and sat and thought about everything and was trying to come to grips with everything. 2 Hours later she called and wanted me to come over again. I wasn't to sure what to expect. When I walked in she hugged me and apologized and said that she wants to be with me. We talked and decided to let go of the bad things we did to each other in the past. I moved my stuff back from my parents house and things have been pretty good since. We are still dealing with some things from the court incident. One of the things that the court wanted me to do was a batterers intervention class. This class is 40 weeks long and would cost me $213 a week. There is no way I would be able to afford this, it is more than my house payment. SO I went to the court and told the judge that and he said I could go back to jail, I said that I would still lose my house because I would lose my jobs. So he decided that I could do house arrest, so I could still go to work. This is still going to cost about $175 a week but will only be for 4 weeks. So hopefully things will be over with this whole mess I made in another month, It has been a long and expensive lesson. But I am over 75 days sober and things have been going better. Hopefully will try to start the Love Dare again, as long as it doesn't involve leaving the house.

My Marriage

SO below you see that I was trying the Love Dare but that was cut short due to circumstances. SO I have been attempting to try to give my wife space while working on myself. I am over 70 days sober and am doing good with it. AA is helping quite a bit. I like it. It has helped me get closer with God and myself. My medications have helped me not be as depressed. I am fairly comfortable with myself. I have learned to let go of some of my sins, not quite all of them yet. I have not been very happy staying with my parents. Talks with my wife have not been going very good. She says she is afraid that I will kill her and the kids even though I never tried to hurt any of them. I only wanted to hurt myself. It seems to me she isn't trying to work on US and she hasn't been going to her therapist to try to work on herself. Yet she tells me that I am not trying... This aggravates me a lot. Especially since I feel that I am the only one trying! So I suggested since she thinks that it is going to take a long time that she gets her own place. She will have all the time she needs and will not have to deal with me in regards to bills, house things, and I get to keep myself busy on working on our home. After suggesting this she became very upset with me, as if I was ending it. I don't understand why. I am giving her what she wants and I am getting things that I also need. I need to keep myself busy to keep my mind from dwelling in the dark spaces of my mind. I am not sure what she needs or wants other than time away from me and to not be "controlled or manipulated" by me. I still don't understand why she thinks that when I tell her my feelings that it is a ploy to manipulate her. I just want to be able to share with her. She has been my best friend, the only person I ever want to talk to. But every time I talk to her it goes way wrong. I truly don't know what else to do. I hope that this is not the end. I want more than anything to make my marriage work. I am scared. One other thing that I feel I need, although I know its just a want, is affection, to feel loved. I know that I have friends and family that love me. But she is my soul mate. I actually feel as if I am missing half of me being away from her. She claims that I am always depressed around her, but it is only because I see what I am missing. I see the life I had and lost. I see everything falling apart day by day. All I want with all of my heart is for her and the kids to be happy. I understand that may include me not being there. I have come to terms with that. I hope that is not the case. I know that I can be happy by myself, but I know that I would feel more fulfilled with my family there. With this just as with my sobriety, I just take everything one day at a time...

Love Dare Day 4

SO this is will probably be the last Love Dare for a while. This one was to call up during the day and ask if there is anything you can do for them. She came home for lunch so I asked if I could do anything and she said it would be nice if I brought her a coffee, since she was running late and had to get back to work. So I did, she knows how much I hate her expensive coffee's and I make all kinds of excuses to avoid them. And when I got there it seems like she tried to hide things on her work computer. I know that the other guy has been emailing her there. She claims she doesn't answer him. Well we talked a bit and I left. A few days later she told me she would like it if I moved out for a while.


Now I have told her I would do whatever she wanted. However, when I am at home I have things to keep my mind busy. Here at my parents house I just smoke and dwell quite a bit. Plus we had just put up a stone wall and got a wood burner installed for the winter. I have been chopping up wood and keeping busy with that. Now she doesn't want me there for the winter. I can't enjoy these things we had been waiting to get. To sit by the fire.... It upsets me quite a bit.


I am still sober, today is day 64. That is going pretty good. I am starting to try to hang out with a few older guys from AA to keep my ass in line and to keep me busy. I tried to go to the gym yesterday, I weighed myself, I am down to 172, I was about 195 before all this started... lost over 20lbs. I didn't have much fat on me to begin with... SO I need to start getting back to the gym and pumping up...lol. Speaking of which, I should head there now....

Love Dare Day 3

SO like usual, day 3 didn't quite go as day 3 was to but something for her. A few months ago I purchased tickets to the orchestra and Friday was the day for it. SO before she got home from work I also purchased a dozen roses, a dozen of wild flowers, and an orchid plant. I went to take her to a Greek restaurant before the show. The restaurant was really nice, however, everything we ordered they were out of. So we ended up only having a salad and appetizer before they just gave us our meal for free because we had to leave for the show. The show was good, we both enjoyed it. I made a comment on the way home about going down an old road and making out or having sex like we used to. We hadn't had sex in quite a while and she hasn't wanted any affection. She said that she would prefer not to. So we came home and talked a bit. That ended up in both of us crying and going to bed. Once in bed she decided to try to have sex. During which she ends up hurting her back... So tonight we have marriage counseling and she says that she is extremely nervous about it. I hope that it goes good... Updates later...

Love Dare Day 2

SO Love Dare day 2 is about showing kindness. This didn't go quite as planned. I do usually help with the house clean up. She generally cooks but lately I do dishes and help clean up as well as keep up with the laundry. SO I worked 12 hours so got home right at supper time. She did not need my help cooking as usual. While I was eating she excused herself and started on dishes, I said I would do them but she continued. My last act that I had planned to perform was a massage, she used to beg me to rub her. SO was we were getting ready for bed I asked if I could rub her. She said no. I told her that I would really like to and she finally agreed. But while I was rubbing her I noticed her getting increasingly upset and started to cry. I thought this might be a break thru. But she didn't want to tell me why. Said that  it was over and would just hurt me. I asked if it was the other man, she says no. I pry and pry to figure out what I have done now. Here I am trying everything I can think of to save my marriage and I'm watching it circle the toilet. Finally she says it is because I made her lose her son who moved out. I try to talk being especially careful not to say anything negative. But it was a losing battle that ended with me sleeping on the couch. I told her that I was going to contact her son as part of my AA to make amends with those I hurt and he is one of them. She begged me not to contact him. I explained that it is not like I can make any matters worse than they are. He is gone, she is blaming me and I already feel as I have lost her. I did contact him this morning and he did answer me and she says that I never do what she asks and only do what I want. I just don't understand. If she says it is my fault, then it is my mess to clean up, she isn't supposed to clean up after me. But I am not sure. A while ago we bought tickets to the symphony and that is tomorrow. I am nervous. We can't even hold hands or a conversation anymore. What are we going to do in public? I always want to hold her hand and kiss her but she seems repulsed by my touch... I guess I'll just have to try day 3 and keep moving in hopes something will help.

Love Dare Day 1

SO I realize that my posts are kind of all over lately but there is a lot of things that I am working on and trying to repair about myself and my life. A week or so ago my wife gave me a book called the Love Dare. There is spaces in the book to write things, but I am sure we will need to go thru it several times so I don't really want to clog it the first go around. So I figured I would write it here.


Day 1 is to have patience and say nothing negative. I have been trying to have patience and yesterday I did not say anything negative. I do say negative things quite a bit. I try to stay positive but it is hard. The last week or so my wife has not shown me any affection or really talk to me about anything in particular. In AA there is a saying "Live and Let Live" I was thinking about this a lot last night. We still shower together but there is no more snuggling of loving touching. I was just standing there looking at her wondering how long it would be until she felt affection for me again. And that's when I realized I had to let her Live and not concentrate as much about how I feel about it. Easier said than done. But I didn't say anything. When she got out, I sat in the shower and prayed for the strength and the courage to make it thru this part of the rough and hope that she feels the same. I need to remain patient and hope that the affection will come back.

AA

So I think that I may have mentioned several years ago going to Alcoholics Anonymous after my DUI. That was court ordered, I was not ready to quit drinking. I was looking back at just my few posts and I know that I have mentioned several times of planning to stop or cut back in my drinking. I have several times used will power, that would get me at most I think 30-40 days sober, then slowly I would succumb to my old ways. Today I am 41 days sober. Since the last incident that landed me into the situation explained in the post before. I had hit my bottom... I was lucky enough that my bottom was mostly internal, I still have my house, job, and family. However I know that I, myself, cannot go on like that. It has led to several suicide attempts and me hating life. I decided that my will power and my self is weak and broken. That is why I was not able to stay sober by myself. I always had excuses, I am somewhat in the public, I can't go to an AA around my town. I have to go far away, well my schedule is busy so I don't have time. Finally I made the decision to get the help I needed and went to the AA down the road that I knew. I walked in, on my own, and asked for help. I was welcomed with open arms. They have helped give me strength when I was weak. They have helped me try to connect more with my God. Which as I said before, I didn't feel as tho he was listening to me. I know that my wife and I have a long hard journey ahead of us. Chances are maybe 50/50 on us making it. It is a sad thought. But I am here fighting for my sobriety, my life, and my family. And if anyone thinks they need some help, has any thoughts they want to share, I will be here and am willing to listen....

Still Alive...

Thank you, the few who had some nice things to say in my last posts. I did go home and did what I was going to do. I started drinking at 630am. I waited for the kids to leave for school and took my pills. I passed out until the wife came home from lunch around 11. She woke me up. I kept drinking and drinking. My cousin came and picked me up, we hung out for a bit. Then came home and back to drinking. I don't remember too much of the afternoon til night. When I start to remember was late evening. The wife and I were in the garage fighting. A glass was thrown on the floor, probably by me but I keep thinking she may have. I threw over my bar. I stepped in glass and cut up my feet. She said something and I decided to call the cops. Cops came, she told them I was suicidal. The took me to the ER, I told the ER I was just there for glass in my foot. Wife was there. They released me, wife left me there. I walked/ran home with cuts on bottom of my feet, made it about 4 miles before cops picked me up for public intoxication. They took me to station. I called my parents, the got me and went to my house to get my car and some clothes. I yell a little more. I get to my parents, cops show up for domestic violence by menacing. Even though I never threatened to hurt her. I called her names and said I wanted her out of my house, but never said I would hurt anyone other than myself. So I was arrested Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I went to the big area jail. I was mumbling about suicide. I was put in this...

I was naked under this, in jail. I didn't eat, just stayed in my cell until Friday when I had video court. The judge said I could be released until court pending a psych eval to be sure I wasn't going to harm myself or others... I wasn't. I just wanted out, I was missing work, I missed my wife and family. Well the psych wasn't there on Friday, and it was a holiday weekend. So I wore this for 6 days, naked, barefoot with cuts on the bottoms of my feet, unable to shower, unable to brush my teeth.... I came out of my cell into the "dayroom" everyone else was in jumpsuits with sweatshirts cuz I was cold... I was in a smock, freezing, starving. Inmates were ok, no one gave me too much crap other than what I was wearing. I forced myself to try to eat the gruel that they called food. It was disgusting. I could only eat a few bites of every meal before almost throwing it up.
Tuesday finally came. I saw the psych, told him the story. They took me off suicide watch. I was finally able to shower and brush my teeth. Then at 11am they finally released me. I had to turn in my gun to the police station and have a no contact order from my wife. Cops took me to my house to get some things. My wife was there, she said she was sorry and that she didn't make this protection order. I was afraid to talk to her. I can NOT go back to jail. I can NOT lose my jobs. Now I am at my parents, trying to put the pieces back together. It is hard. But as always I will adapt and overcome. more to follow later...

SO you can read the last post. Things went bad and things were better for a couple weeks but now she says shes fucking leaving again. SO I give up! Unfortunately I am stuck at work until 6am, but when I get home I am going out Leaving Las Vegas style. I am a pussy when it comes to suicide. I have tried before and chicken out. I cam close once but the rope broke in the closet. I had been doing better with my anti depressants and anxiety meds, I have been sober again for 26 days. BUT MY WIFE just broke up with me via text and I told her at the beginning that I couldn't take anymore and I meant it when I said til death do us part. So When I go home in 7 hours I will be taking the 15 remaining Xanax, However many Celexa, and drowning in 151 and if that isn't enough I will drink her wine and lie on my chase until I drift off into oblivion. I am scared, but I have tried so much and can't take it anymore. Nothing I have ever done has been right. I have a lot of hate and darkness in me. I try to make up for it by doing good. I became a paramedic, I am a corpsman in the Navy, I am part time fire fighter. But nothing ever seems to bring good to me. I have fought and strived for better. I finally bought my own home, I have a decent family but still can't even keep my wife from cheating on me. I can't hold it together anymore. I'm afraid Im still not going to be able to do it.... I will probably have to take a bit at a time. I will be up all night. The alcohol and the pain should be able to help me in my endever. I hope that my parents aren't to devastated by this. We had a rough relationship growing up but has been better and I love them very much. I know they were proud of me and I am sorry to disappoint them in the end. To my one son, Please be good. Grow up and strive to be a good man. With your genes get on anti depressants early, avoid alcohol and drugs, they will ruin your life. Addiction and alcoholism is in your genes. To my step children, they are on their way to be great. I hope this doesn't mess any of them up too much. I just want everyone to be happy and I guess all I can do is screw that up. I have always known this and tried and tried to fix things. I am a coward. I have tried to kill my brain cells with various substances to just be oblivious and happy but nothing works. I was happy for a bit. I loved my wife and that is why I will free her. She will get the house and money and everything she deserves. Even though she cheated on me. She is messed up to and this will mess her up further. But she will move on. They all will. I will not have to deal with the pain and hatred anymore. I have tried to be religious but since the pain never went away it is hard to have faith. And since it is planned, I am sure that I will not find bliss in afterlife. I am officially out of options. I have known for a long time that the world would be better without me fucking up their life. If I do chicken out, or live I will repost in a few days. If not this is my finaly fairwell. Kurt Cobain was always my favorite musician. I will end with his quote... "I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away." Randy

Long Overdue

I wanted to do an update for a long time but things kept coming up. If I had posted this 2 weeks ago it would be full of happiness and unable to believe the life I have been given. Some ups and downs but over all a great life. I have several jobs that I enjoy doing. I get paid well. The bartender and I got married last year after dating for 3 years. We bought a house. Kids are for the most part good kids. She is no longer a bartender, she works for the county. I am a Paramedic/ Fire Fighter/ Navy reservist. Believe it or not I quit smoking about 7 months ago, I quit drinking on Memorial day to prove that I could. We were on a family vacation to North Carolina when it all came crashing down. I found out that some suspicions I had about my wife talking to another guy was true. And that he was not the first one. This has been going on for 8 months of our one year marriage. My life seems like a sham. I feel like a fool. I have soooo many questions. She has answered some of them. But not nearly enough. We are supposed to have marriage counseling tomorrow but I don't know how to overcome the lies. I haven't been able to eat of sleep in week. Even taking medications for anxiety, sleeping pills, benedryl, 151 still doesn't let me stop the thoughts and sleep. I'm shaky and crying non stop. Why does this have to happen to me? I thought that she was the one. I might try to come back on here more often. I don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to. I don't want to make her out to be the bad guy. I know I have my faults drinking and doing stupid shit, but I never lied and hid things....

Alcohol...

SO if you've read anything on this blog you know that I like alcohol. I enjoy drinking and when I drink a lot I do various dumb things that turn into great stories but also make me into an ass. Well here is what happened last weekend. My girlfriend and I have been fighting a bit, nothing really bad but whatever. So I was just drinking beer and watching football. I started to get more aggrivated so I switched to beam and cokes. Well I didn't eat anything all day and apparently she snapped at me and I snapped. I ran grabbed a bookbag and was trying to leave in my car while intoxicated and on snowy, icy roads. I made it less than a mile before spinning out into a ditch. She calls her brother and got me pulled out after I beat the shit out of the back of my car trying to shove it out of the snow. I get it back home and then I don't remember a whole lot. There was screaming, I punched out 2 windows, I slept in the snow face down until my face was blue, I puked on myself, got naked, got slapped, swung at her, missed, grabbed a piece of broken glass and held it to my neck, and eventually ended up in bed. Now normally this story is bad, what makes it worse is all this happened while 4 kids are locked in their rooms hearing it.

I know that the alcohol was mostly the problem but thats not usually the kind of drunk I am. I have also always had low blood sugar, and being in the medical field I've always heard of low blood sugar making people crazy, but I would usually just feel funny and sometimes pass out. I guess with the mix it turned into the fiasco that was that night. The part that hurts me the most is that I swung at her even if I didn't hit her, I tried to.... And that her kids heard all that shit. I don't even know what I was screaming but she said it was bad.

I haven't decided yet if I am going to not drink anymore or just not get drunk anymore. I do very much enjoy a good beer with a meal every now and then or a cold one while watching fights or just with friends. I know that I am too old to be pulling that shit and acting like a fucking child. SO I think I'm not gonna drink for quite a while and guess we'll see what happens. She was kind enough to forgive me knowing that I was sorry and would never mean to hurt her or scare her kids. I apologized to everyone and just need to relax.

Status Update

I know I am a very bad blogger!! I have been keeping very busy though... School 4 days a week, working 4 nights a week. Spending lots of time with my girl... I know we thought we were gonna take it slow but thats what happens. I think yesterday was the first time we actually went 36 hours without seeing each other... I stay at her house a night or 2 a week, working 3rd kinda keeps that sparce I guess...lol. But things are really great the kids and I get along, my son gets along with her and hers. School has been going really good. I am pretty sure I am getting good grades, this week was our spring break. I wanted to go somewhere but she couldnt get a sitter for the kids... But hopefully between semesters we will get away for a bit... I am gonna have to take summer classes thought since I dont have money saved up to really get thru the summer, so I need my GI Bill. But I am at work, so I will leave you with just a few pics from photography class per Dans request One of them will be my girl and I...

The new girlfriend

SO yeah, the last post I mentioned the bartender, I guess Ill just use her initials, ER... So after that first date we went for coffee a few other times and talked quite a bit and it happened... we fell in love. I know it happened fast, we tried to keep it slow but we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend on th 13th, though she says from the first date on the 2nd. Weve got a pretty good system going she come to my house after her morning classes and wakes me up, we spend time together until its time for both of us to go to class then I go to her place when I am out of my classes until I have to goi to work...lol. Weve been doing that the last 2 weeks. We decided that we need to slow down a bit since we spend about all our time together. Her kids are really cool, last weekend I took my son over to meet and play with them and they all got along great. I am really happy, finally. Its been a really long time since I've felt like this. Hopefully it will last!! Like I said I am back in school, since I am on hold for my nursing I am going for Visual Communications. I am enjoying my photography and flash class. They are fun so far, the other 2 are quite boring... But thats my update for now, I will try to write more when I get more time, I am at work now....