Let go

I never seem to let go of anything. I keep everything inside as reminders. HB usually uses the term she may forgive but she'll never forget, and I am the same way. I assume because one person ended up doing something to me in the past that they will always be that way. Which usually isn't to bad of an assumption except that if you don't express yourself to the person that hurt you they might not realize it. They may not have done it on pourpose. I certainly never meant to hurt her or her son but I have. Should I be forgivin for it, maybe, I wasn't trying to be an ass. Should I continue to punish myself for the things I've said and done, No. People do and say things, that part can't be changed. But thankfully the problem has been brought to my attention and because they both mean so much to me, it helped me realize that it is an ongoing problem that I need to recongnize myself. Beating myself up about won't change the situation nor make me a better person for it. If anything all it will do is make me worse off just like everything before. I have come to many realizations over the past couple years and I have changed myself to be a better person but that still doesn't make me the best person I can be. I have always considered myself an asshole, a freak, a loner. But why. Truely I am a very nice guy. I tried my best to treat HB the way she deserved, like a queen on a pedestal. Now that is far from being an asshole. I would do anything for any of my friends, even those who I may not consider my best buds. I have helped many frinds move and do whatever I could to help even friends of friends. But I still constantly put myself down and thought that because I saw myself in such a bad way everyone else must see me as worthless too. Thus the times where I really needed help I wasn't able to ask for it. Why should people help me? Why did I give up as my friends left the area, why didn't I go out and meet new friends. Well probably because I am afraid of making new friends, I am afraid that everyone sees me the way I see me. This is a very bad way to be. How can I build self confidence if I never try anything. I have blamed God, karma, said the world is against me, because I have a distorted view of the reality around me. All I see are the bad parts of life that I've held onto since they happened. I let a driver cutting me off on the way to work or home ruin the rest of my day because I sit on the anger. Instead of letting go of it. Did it really do anything to me. I wasn't hurt, there wasn't an accident. Maybe they didn't see me, shit happens. I hate to keep bringing up deaths but we do all eventually die. Life is a series of moments, why should any of us keep focusing on the bad ones. Why can't we just let the bad happen, move on and try to make happier times. Why do I keep focusing on the fact that HB and I are over instead of being happy that I met someone as great as her. Be happy that she brought me to the point I am at now. How she made me feel the love that I feel, the happiness I felt. Remember the great times that we shared. It feels like the end of the world but it is not. She will continue to hold a place in my heart. Hopefully we can remain good friends. I have tried to expreass my feelings with her during the relationship but now I realize that I need to express my feelings with everyone about everything instead of just getting mad and storing it for later. I need to stop worrying that me expressing my feelings are being a wuss or not macho. I've never really been that macho to begin with so why use that as an excuse. If people don't like the way I am or how I feel then they don't really need to be around me. And no one is to blame some people just don't mesh together, life still goes on. But at least I won't keep worrying about other people perception.

I'm Angry

Well if any of my older readers saw this title they would probably wonder what else was new. I am always angry. I have anger problems. I bought a book today, Beyond Anger, A Guide for Men. Now I am a pretty slow reader and have only read 1/4 of it so far but am pretty confident that I will finish it probably by tomorrow. I have been researching things that have caused me to well be the person I am today. Its not that I have had a bad life but here I sit, alone. I never had many friends, even fewer true friends. I have had fun but it was usually short lived. Here I sit reading this book that is describing my life. It talks about the different degrees of anger and rage that I have felt since I could remember. How and why I always keep everything bottled up and keep people out. Over the years I have gotten better but am still not to where I need to be to live a happy life. I am reluctant to talk let alone post about many parts of my life but for the sake ok gettin it out of me I will post it now.

I don't remember much of my childhood being a small child. I mostly remember getting in trouble for stealing things from family members, kind of a bad thing to be my earliest memory. My parents fought a lot. The would scream and throw things and my mom would get me out of bed at night and take me to her friends house where we would sleep on many occasions. When I would get in trouble for things I would get spanked which I still think wasn't all that bad, most of what I can remember was deserved and not really excessive. I've always claimed to be neglected, but maybe that wasn't actually the case. Perhaps they just never really asked me how I felt about things and since they never asked I didn't want to burden them with my problems since they had enough on their own. I learned to bottle up everything and just let it be instead of expressing my hurt, anger, depression, or whatever. Because I carried all these emotions around with me I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around. I had 2 or 3 friends. Then if any girl showed any interest in me, I'd go into overkill mode and talk about being together forever when I'm 10 or however old I was. Then scare them off. Then be depressed because I can't measure up to anyones expectations. I would get full of rage. I remember my first kiss. I remember I started calling her everyday, this was like 4th or 5th grade. She told me to stop calling. I went out and boxed a thorn bush and a water tank thing. Another girl, another boxing match with an inatimate object. I never talked to anyone about any of it, not even my couple friends. I'd just hold it until it slowly faded into the background. As I got older I realized drugs were an easy escape from the pain and reality. Then I have a baby and stop doing the drugs. With baby momma though the rage between us was BAD, it was just like what I watched with my mom and dad as a kid. We would scream and throw things. I am pretty sure I never told a soul but I used to be so angry at my son as a baby. He costed money, I had to work crappy jobs to try to support my family, he took away my dreams. I remember once he just kept crying, wouldn't stop and I shove the pacifier in his mouth so hard it cut his gums. I was just so furious. Then I ended up joining the military. A year away, time to think, time for myself to continue to punish myself for acts such as that. Thinking everyday he is gonna remember that day. Then family finally gets to move here with me. Things were ok for a little while but then everything went back to fighting. When my son would act up or not listen I would spank him excessively, a couple time leaving welts on his but for about a week. I am crying now while typing this but I must get rid of this burden... I even choked him once because he wouldn't stop crying. He was only 2 or 3. How could I do this to my own child. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't on anything but was just furious, nothing was going my way and I just did it. I still can't believe it, I have blocked it out since that day. I had to lock myself in the bathroom for about an hour because I feared for his safety. I didn't even realize that I was doing it. His mom wasn't there, no one ever knew. When she finally left me, thats when the drinking really started. It numbed the pain. Not so much the pain of losing her, but the pain of losing my son. Even though I couldn't stand being around him much I wanted to learn to be better. And I did a little. I have not spanked him since they left. I try my best to watch the verbal attacks to. With me being this way to my own son how could I expect to deal with someone elses kid. I met HB a couple years later. I was a different person or so I thought. My anger has gotten better over the years since then. I am not a violent person. With her I tried to do everything in my power to be completely open, honest, and talk about my feelings with her unlike what I did with my ex. I wanted everyones feelings to be out and free of resentment. Everything was great even with her son there. When he went to his dads, we had my son for a little bit and some anger issues arouse which I did post about. I talked to HB about them a bit and tried to keep from carrying the burden. Then we had time alone, no kids, just us running around loving each other. I felt so free and happy. Then her son came back. He was a little older and a little mouthier. I tried to talk to HB about how I flet but she felt like I was attacking her child. So I stopped talking about it. The burden was back inside. I started yelling at him. She would get mad at me. I would get angry with her for being mad at me. Instead of talking about it, it just kept building until she had to choose her son. Which I don't resent in any way. I completely understand. But I know the relationship ended because of this anger, that I never really leaned how to express other than yelling and throwing things. Then when I did tried to talk about it, my opinion and feelings were resented so I reverted back to keeping them inside instead of just finding another outlet to point these feeling to get them out.

I am getting help, I am reading, researching, finding out how to get anger management classes and therapy when I go back to Ohio. I just with I could salvage HB and I's relationship. I will keep trying in hopes that she will want to. She says she can't force me to change, but I want to change, look at what I've done, and this is only the bad stuff there are many smaller things. I've just been afraid to get help. If I tell anyone what I did to my son they would take him away from me. If I talked to people in the military I would be kicked out or something bad would happen to me. But the truth is because I didn't seek help I only made things worse. Those "punishments" would have gotten me the help I needed and then things would have gotten better for me and my relationship with my son and eventually my relationship with HB. Last time I was in Ohio I had a talk with my parents about me being the bad guy with my son. I told them I am tired of it, her trying to get me mad so I yell at him on the phone for him to listen and act right. I am done. And now I will be getting the help to keep me from breaking that promise.

To be continued....

Stages of Death

I don't want a pity party, I just want to write.

It feels like a doctor just told me I only have a couple weeks to live. I have a brain tumor or something that will be sure to end my days the begining of June. stage 1 Denial, this only lasted a few seonds, I knew it was true. But maybe I heard wrong. Nope. Stage 2 Anger. I have always been a pretty angry person. I do probably need anger managment classes and to sit and take them seriously. I wanted to smash everything, but thankfully over years of doing that I realized it doesn't help. I feel good for those couple of minutes and then spend hours cleaning up my mess and then having to buy new stuff, not worth it. But my damn hair in my face collecting my tears and snot as it ran out, that I can get rid of. I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the front of my hair off. Then I went up and got the clipper. They weren't working right and the attachment fell off and I got a bald spot so then I continued to shave my head. My favotie Homer glass did fall of the stand while I was drinking, that upset me. I really liked the glass and didn't want to break it but shit happens. Stage 3 Barganing. I was upset at first and tried to just ignore it. But in thinking all of this time. I can't take this lying down. I have to try, but with so little time there is no way to change before then. All I can do is promise that I can get the help I need. If there is that small chance to stay together. This is something that means a lot to me, it is something I have to at least try to save. I can't just let it go. Stage 4 Depression, this step pretty much started upon hearing the news. I can't eat, I only slept this weekend because I was drunk as shit. But I wasn't drunk last night so I cried myself to sleep. I can't remember the last time I did that, I was probably really young. With my Ex wife, yeah I was hurt and sad but we didn't get along, I knew it was for the better, the only real reason I was with her was for the kid. But this time I truely believe we are meant for each other, if I only I'd gotten help sooner instead of putting it off. Sorry to lose my analogy. I don't know if I will ever get past this stage. I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine kissing or touching another woman. I don't want another woman, I want her. I don't want to imagine my life without her in it. I can't! Stage 5 Acceptance, yeah we'll see if I ever get to that stage.

Perhaps my last post

I may come up with a few things but doubt it will be anything worth reading. SO HB and I have to call it quits. I may go into it but don't think she would want me to, lets just say our parenting styles conflict and it is better for her kid if I am not around. So sometime at the begining of next month I will go back to Ohio and she will go on to Texas. I should have known better than to dream of a life outside of Ohio. I will go back and work a crappy job and be stuck barely getting by just like I knew I was destined to. I will try to find a good job but it's probably not gonna happen. SO I changed my side bar to how long HB and I lasted. And I just shaved my head. I was getting tired of my long hair and my clipper attachments weren't workin so I ended up bald. I don't think I even got any pics of my hair but oh well. Off to get drunk as shit. Later all. 561 days HB was stuck with me. Happy cinco de mayo!

The Death of April

Thank Gawd today is the last day of April! The month that's supposed to be the start of spring and watching nature come back to life. The month that this year has brought death. Maybe its just because I have only had 2 people die that I knew so far in life but I have been really depressed lately. Being back in Ohio didn't really help. People are so stupid. My uncles girlfriend he was with when he died is trying to let my family change her last name to my uncles, they weren't married and my uncle as far as I knew didn't plan on getting married again. We think she wants to so she can try to claim money even though my uncle didn't have any. Something is definitely up with her. Quite a bit of my uncles things are gone and haven't been found. My grandma is giving away his clothes and stuff to family members, I got 2 hats since I am the only one who wears hats non stop. Then my great grandpa, now I mentioned in the last post how my fathers family is fucked up. I had the please of helping clear out his apartment and house since I am the oldest great grandkid. quite a bit of his money started missing a couple months ago, my uncle is in charge of the estate and everything is supposed to be divided between him, my dad, and aunt. So it is probably him. There was a paper that my grandpa wrote out of who he wanted to have certain things, that paper disappeared, probably because he liked my uncles ex wife more than him and she probably would have gotten some things he wanted. Going through his belongings my aunt kept saying "that might be worth something, I want it" greedy fucking bitch. She is also trying to keep his war scrapbook that he promised me. That I will have. I am the only one besides him who has served in the military, It is something that I want to pass down to my son who got the chance to meet his great great grandpa. My dad is pretty hot on this too, he said he will kick all their asses and if I can't have it no one will since his original will stated that it was to be donated to a museum. I just said I would find it in their house and take it. It just pissed me off how everyone wanted anything that may be worth money instead of things that had sentimental value. All I want is his scrap book, all my dad took was some of his old work shirts and some coveralls. Oh my dad did kinda steal his WWII compass and gave it to me. But only after he realized the scrapbook was gone. As stated in the last post my grandpa/ his son, didn't show up, I informed my mom to forget that they were related to me or my son. I did figure out the beef between them. My grandpa had great grandpa take out a $20,000 loan for him and refused to pay for it, he claimed it was a part of his inheritance. So obviously that pissed him off but he was willing to forgive but he didn't come up for his moms funeral so he said fuck him. It does help show me why my aunt and uncle act the way they do. My mom was pissed at the funeral, he had military honors and the flag was supposed to go to me if I was there and my younger cousin if I wasn't. Well the flag was presented to my uncle, who later gave the flag to my cousin who was supposed to get it. I don't mind that he got the flag, personally I would rather he got it, he was closer to him than I was. They used to go fishing all the time, I wasn't much of a fisher. But the flag should have been given directly to him, he's like 13 or something, he is able to be handed a flag. It's all just a bunch of horseshit. People in general piss me off but when it's my own family it just enrages me to a boiling point. And I'm sure this is only the beginning with everyone getting older.

I still can't get out of my slump. I haven't been able to sleep at night, I just lie there tossing and turning thinking of everything. It sucks.

April is the month of Death

SO my great grandpa dies yesterday. Obviously this isn't much of a surprise, he was 91. I've mentioned him several times on here so I am not going to do a big look back thing. He was truly a great man and I wish I could be a quarter of the man he was. Mom said she say him Saturday and he wasn't doing good, he couldn't sit up and couldn't really talk. He had been there and worse before and still overcame and came back better but this time must have been too much. My biggest complaint or perhaps even fear is if his son, my grandpa will even come to his funeral. He didn't come when his mom died so I kinda doubt he will. My grandpa used to be a good guy and probably still is but he is a tool. His wife, my step grandma, took him and moved to Arizona years ago leaving all of us, here and didn't really have anything to do with us. We last saw them when we drove out to San Diego when I was somewhere between 14-16. I tried talking to them a couple years back when I was in Connecticut, just trying to stay connected and let them know they had a great grandson and well just kinda hope that there were other circumstances for them not being around other than they didn't want to. Well we communicated through emails and phone calls for a couple months and then they moved to Georgia, no more phone calls no more emails no nothing. They didn't tell me much except they were moving and didn't give me any forwarding info, I thought maybe they would call or email me later when they got settled but nothing. He actually called my parents when I was back last time to wish them a Happy Easter but only left a message and with my uncle being dead they didn't really feel like calling them back. I severely doubt that they will come, him and my great grandpa had words after great grandma died but I am not sure what all was said, I don't know the cause of anything. I don't have a clue what I'd do or say if I did see them. All I know is that if they don't come they will all also be dead to me. They have never attempted to see their great grandson, or hell me, or even his 3 kids all they care about is their one son they had together. If they don't come I will get their number and call them to let them know that they no longer have a grandson or great grandson and I hope they are happy. Fuck them. Since I have been getting older I have been seeing how crappy my dads side of the family is. Great grandpa was the only kind one out of them aside from my dad and some cousins. My mom side of the family who I always thought was dysfunctional with people being in jail and people who do drugs are the closest and most caring, they would do anything for each other. Its just weird to look at it grown up than when you were a child and how delusional I was back then. My dads side of the family never once offered to help my with anything, never once just called and asked how I was or if I needed someone to watch my son. My moms side would give you their last 5 bucks to get gas for coming in, ask if I wanted to go out if they could watch my son and spend time with him. Almost every other Saturday night my uncle Don would call my parents to see if my son was over there and if they wanted him to come over so they could go up to the VFW like they usually do every Saturday night. Its just fucked up. Everything is always fucked up. I just wish I could get rich somehow and watch my dads family run to my side then so I can snub my nose at them like they have always done to my and my parents. Someday, someday Karma will come back to bite them.

So my thoughts have been all jumbled since I've got back from Ohio, I've thought about a couple posts but none have made it here. I've actually been pretty busy at work, we had an inspection the week I got back and the guy I work with was on vacation back in the Philippines so I had to do everything, it sucked ass. Then we have been catching up on all the stuff I didn't get done while he was gone since I was doing everything else. My usual "blah" mood has turned to depression and hate. It all started on my drive home from Ohio, I left right after the funeral so I could get some sleep to be at work the next day. On my drive home I was still crying on and off, so 3 hours at the funeral then 3 hours of driving and then it happened. A retarded driver flys up behind me flashing his brights because I was stuck behind some slow moving cars, they moved and I flew off from the car. A little later some more slow cars and the same guy came up flashing his brights again, this goes on for about an hour finally I slam on my brakes and start going 30 in a 55 then speed off, same thing happens, so I get behind the car and start flashing my brights they hit their brakes slow to about 30, I stay behind them, they speed up to 100 I speed up and get behind them and keep flashing my lights, they slow down, we keep doing this for about 30 minutes. I was emotional and thinking of ways to follow them until they stop and how I could kill them and get away with it. Then they speed up to get back up to 100 and a cop pulled off from a hiding spot on the side of the road and nearly sideswiped me and pulled them over. I felt justice was served, I did think about calling the cops but their license plate was in the rear window and the window was tinted so I couldn't make out the plate numbers to turn them in. But I did make it home safely, while it was still light out I saw the driver and he was probably early 30s guy, not some little dumbass or someone with his friends just an older guy alone. A Fucking retard.

On the drive I listened to "Wish you were here" by Pink Floyd a couple times and decided I would learn how to play it, I have its actually really easy it's only 4 chords besides the beginning with is easy too. Then we had the Virginia Tech massacre here the other day and that kind of sent me further over the edge. Then I read about the Westboro Baptist Church planning on protesting at the funerals. I've heard of people protesting the military funerals and was pissed about that but I thought they were just hippies I didn't know they were all Westboro Baptist Church. What a bunch of fucking retards I want to kill them all, fucking inbred rednecks, if they hate America so much move somewhere else. Its not that fucking hard, I wish they had a church around here, I would blow their fucking church up! It wouldn't be the first church I've seen set ablaze... Whoever kills Fred Phelps would be my hero and should get complete amnesty. If I didn't have a love and a son I would gladly sit in a federal prison for it.

But then I start to realize how much bullshit life is, you work to be a good person, lead a good life, work jobs you don't enjoy to save up money so you can have a "good" life, but for what, it can all be gone in a second. We have my uncle who lived a life partying then realized his mistakes and was trying to right them all, then he dies. We have all these college kids who were trying to get their education to be something in this world and its gone. All that money gone for nothing, they might as well have sat with their thumb at their ass and then went to class one day and died. What am I doing? What am I saving for? A house or vacation or anything else that I may not live to spend? I'm not saying I'm not fairly happy in my life. I should be happy, my life is much better than it was 2 years ago. I am in love, I have a plan for where I'm going. I may not have a job in a couple months but whatever, I am trying and talking with people. All I really want is to get fucked up, I want to get high, I want to trip balls, I wanna roll, I want to get drunk as fuck and puke my guts out. I want to forget how short life is. But instead I just live everyday exactly the same. I get up go to work, come home care to the animals, watch TV, eat, watch TV, go to bed, repeat every single fucking day. I am tired of it. I don't want to do anything except get fucked up. I don't know why.

VH1 You Outta Know Tour

SO Last night I went up to Baltimore to see this tour the only reason I went was for the opening act Rocco Deluca and the Burden. Unfortunately cameras weren't allowed or else I would have some kickass pics! You may have seen them on a documentary called I trust you to kill me where Keifer Sutherland is their tour manager and takes them around England. That is where I first saw them, hearing their raw emotions and the greatness of Roccos guitar playing I picked up their CD. I have been a fan since. They are great. It is kind of hard to describe their music, its bluesy, rock, soft rock, pop and well any other genre along those lines. They put on such a great show. Rocco is a guitar god! I had goose bumps for their entire performance, just the way you could see and feel the emotions he puts in singing and the way his guitar seems to be plugged right into your soul. Afterwards they were supposed to be hanging out and signing stuff, so I waited a bit and kept checking the merch booth then I saw them over by a table off from the stage so I bought another copy of their CD so I could have something for them to sign but by time I got back they were gone. I was bummed as hell. Eventually I saw an older lady come from back stage with a signed CD I asked her if she could get mine signed, she said she just kinda snuck back there and the guys were happy to sign it. She told me to do the same thing. I ordered a beer to work up some liquid courage and found my moment and snuck back stage like a little groupie, I walked into their dressing room where a stage hand was bringing them out food and stuff, I asked for their autograph while I nervously tried to explain that I had to buy another CD and that when I got back they were gone. The guys just kinda smiled and said sure, someone asked if they could eat first and I said yeah, sorry, then a stage hand asked for my pass or whose guest I was I said I didn't have one. They kicked me out but they said they were gonna come back out later.

The Feeling was the second band, I missed most of their performance doing all the above but they sounded pretty good. A little different. But I heard a couple of songs that will make me at least check out their CD. The only part that turned me down a bit was the bassist was all checking out the little girls in the front row and winking at them and stuff it was kinda creepy.

Mat Kearny Was the headliner again I missed most of his performance waiting to see if the band was gonna come back out, the drummer came out and then was followed by the percussionist who played the bongos and various small instruments. But all the girls seemed to love Mat, his music isn't really my cup of tea but sounded pretty good. So 2 of the guys from Rocco came out but I was waiting and hoping to catch them all together, finally Rocco came out I apologized for interrupting their meal and he said no problem and happily signed the CD and was just chatting with everyone who came up to him. I waited a little longer but lost track of where the other guys went so I only got Roccos but at least I got that and wasn't kicked out for going backstage. They will be playing a couple more shows in the area next month with Keane but it's already sold out. Definitely go pick up their album and then go see them, I guarantee you will not be disappointed! I will definitely see them any chance I get!!

To my uncle Don

Yesterday my mom called me to let me know my uncle Don died. I am/was set to go back tomorrow. It sucks I didn't at least get to see him before he went. We did hang out for a while last time I was back, I drove him up to the hospital and to my cousins. He was far from a good person. He did lots of drugs had been in and out of prison but he was still my uncle and would do anything for family. He was the youngest of 6 kids. He lived with his mom most the time the last few years. Luckily he apparently wasn't there when he died. He was staying with a girlfriend who came home from work and he wouldn't wake up. If he was at grandmas who knows how long he'd be there before they found out. He slept all the time. He had a bad messed up shoulder and back that prevented him from working. He used to watch me while I was little and would torure me once locking me in the closet for something stupid but over the years had matured and we would laugh about it. He used to tie my garfield to the fan just out of my reach to fuck with me. But since I've grown up we hung out a bit and were cool. After my split with my ex he told me he almost went after her cousin/baby daddy because he was pissed that she was with him so soon after we split. He said he would have got his ass kicked since the guy was a lot bigger than him but he would have stabbed him or something. He said that giggling but we both knew he was serious. He would go to jail for a family member no problem. He had god knows how many kids from who can guess how many mothers. Lately he reconnected with a daughter that is around 15, he was trying to make up for the lost years and be there for her and guide her. He always wanted to be sure that no one turned out like he did. He knew he was an addict and wouldn't be anything professional. But he tried to be a decent person. When my mother told me I was kind of in shock and didn't really cry until I told HB, I drowned myself in some Beam for him. I still can't really comprehend him being dead. You expect old people to die. I've been saying that I need to buy a suit for when my great grandpa dies because he's 90 I know he'll go soon I didn't think that my uncle who may have been barely 40 would go first. So much for celebrating my mom and dads 25th wedding anniversary this weekend. I'm sure we'll all be too busy mourning. I don't know what I'll do when/ if I see my grandma crying. I've never seen her cry, I lose it when I hear/see my mom crying. It's crazy. I am pretty sure it has something to do with drugs, he either OD'd or just the years of drugs tore his body down. He will be missed by those who loved him. He'd always make us laugh and was fun as hell to fuck with. Later Don.

Useless facts to keep you entertained since I am not!

Busy at work, going insane, heres some shit....

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears. never stop growing.

Alexander the Great made his troops eat onions as he believed it would prove their vitality.

In Albania, nodding your head means "no" and shaking your head means "yes."

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

During World War II, condoms were used to cover rifle barrels from being damaged by salt water as the soldiers swam to shore.

The rarest coffee in the world is Kopi Luwak, which is found in Indonesia. It cost about $300 a pound.

In the United States, 8.5 million cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures were done in the year 2001.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar an England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada has the largest bar per capita than anywhere else in the world.

In 1477, the first diamond engagement ring was given to Mary of Burgundy by Archduke Maximillian of Austria.

On April 6, 1925, the first in-flight movie was shown. It was a silent film and appeared on a Deutsche Luft Hansa flight.

By law, information collected in a U.S. census must remain confidential for seventy-two years.

Actor Sylvester Stallone once had a job as a lion cage cleaner.

The 20th president of the United States, James Garfield, was able to write Greek with one hand and Latin with the other at the same time.

The average cocoon contains about 300-400 metres of silk.

Finland is also known as "the land of of the thousand lakes," because of the over 188,000 lakes found in this country.

The search engine Google got its name from the word "googol," which refers to the number one with a hundred zeros after it.

Wood frogs can be frozen solid and then thawed, and continue living. They use the glucose in their body to protect their vital organs while they are in a frozen state.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

In the early nineteenth century some advertisements claimed that riding the carousel was good for the circulation of blood.

Approximately 60% of the water used by households during the summer is used for watering flowers, and lawns.

The word assassination was invented by William Shakespeare.

Approximately one out of every 55 women from Canada give birth in their car on the way to the hospital or clinic.

Lack of sleep can affect your immune system and reduce your ability to fight infections.

The most expensive animated movie is "Prince of Egypt", which cost $70 million to make.

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

The waste produced by one chicken in its lifetime can supply enough electricity to run a 100-watt bulb for five hours.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The Greek Philospher Socrates was trained for stonecutting.

New Mexico's state bird is the roadrunner.

Most lipstick contains fish scales

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

In the United States, lightning hits the ground 40 million times a year.

Cashew nuts contain oil in the shell that is very irritating to the skin.

The Uape Indians, who live in the Amazon, mix the ashes of their recently cremated relatives with alcohol, then all members of the family drink the mix with fond memories of the deceased.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

The Kool Aid Man used to be known as "Pitcher Man" when he was first introduced in 1975.

There is a town called Fucking, in Austria.

My Soul Mate

For those of you who have read here for a while which is almost no one, but you may remember me calling a person SM(soul mate). Why I used this term still eludes me, she was a good friend but technically we never even dated or anything. Just because we were friends doesn't mean we would have made a good couple or anything. I only bring this up because I truly believe, feel, and whatever word that can describe anything that HB is my true love, my true soul mate. Obviously we started off really great and it took a really long time for us to even have a fight and we've had a few small spats but nothing too big for us to overcome together. Well the past couple months it seems that our souls have fused together, our souls are now joined. This is coming from an atheist by the way but I have no other explanation for what has been happening. I have heard of sympathy pains before but this is just weird. At first it was just kind of a joke, one of us would get sick and something would go wrong with the other. We joked that since you got sick my body is trying to one up yours. But lately they have been synchronizing. I have never had bad knees, every once in a while it would crack and hurt a little bit but that was it. HB has a bad knee, lately my knee will start hurting and I will ask her if her knee hurts and she will say yeah. Same thing with our backs, neck, and stomachs. Obviously I have talked about mine, well the cramping parts have went away for the most part until HB is on her period and then whammo my stomach starts cramping and shit again. Yesterday she had a small surgery behind her ear. When we went home the same spot behind the same ear on me hurt for about 10 minutes. I have no way to explain this. It is not a mind play one of us will feel something and say it and the other will usually concur. It isn't like she complains about her knee all day and then my knee starts hurting late it is almost simultaneous. Now she is still in some pain from her surgery yesterday, my ear isn't still hurting but I did wake up with what appears to be an Upper Respiratory Infection. I had a wheezing cough yesterday but woke up this morning feeling like death itself. My head hurt so bad, my body ached, I had a fever, I ended up puking from coughing too much. I just find it really odd and figured I'd post about it. Well have to get back to smashing contaminated concrete because these people are fucking retards!

Billy Talent

So last night was a great punk rock show! Traffic kinda sucked getting there so we missed part of the first bands set. The band was called Drive By, they sounded good. They just kind of had a good rock sound, but we only caught the last couple songs so not much to say about them. Sorry.

Next band was Cancer Bats. They were harder with more screaming. The vocals were a little lower than the music so it was really hard to understand anything. Side note While trying to add the pics I lost everything I already typed so now I am trying to remember everything I just wrote. But the music was really good. Kick ass guitar riffs with a good drum beat. On myspace it sounds a lot better because you can understand more of it. I'm sure that if Id listened to the CD a couple of times before I went to see them I'd have enjoyed it even more. But it was good music to get punped up before the main course.

Billy Talent kicked major ass!!!! The singer was older than I thought but still rocked my socks off! The crowd was crazy moshing. This was one of my favorite concerts I've seen they sounded great. They just seem crazy cool and down to earth, I was looking up something about them and saw that they have a canadian college fund set up for kids or kids of parents that have MS which you don't really hear much of bands doing especially punk sounding bands. The guitarist had some crazy hair too it was kind of a tall flat top thing it's hard to explain and we didn't get a good pic of it, but to see what I am talking about you have to go see them live. Trust me you will not be disappointed. I will do everything I can to see them anytime they tour near me again!!



Cancer Bats

Cancer Bats again


HB and I between sets

The rest are all Billy Talent!

More Concerts...?

Tomorrow HB and I will be driving up to Bmore to see Billy Talent. I found these guys last year on Pandora, a little online music radio, they came on and I heard it and loved it. I got the album and loved all of it. I have been waiting for them to come around here. I am excited to see them at Ottobar, I've only been there once to see Saves the Day and I love the set up they have there, nice and small with a little balcony next to the stage. Should be an awesome time.

I have also been thinking lately how my life is boring as hell. I only talk to 3 people pretty much everyday HB, her kid, and John a guy I work with. Thats it. I don't go anywhere but work and home. I need to get out more. I know HB probably feels the same but she has other friends kinda. Shes gone to this makeup thing and has a couple other friends in the area she sees well every once in a while, more often than I see anyone. So theres a couple concerts coming up that I want to go to. I may have to go to them even if it's by myself. Although it isn't the same going by myself, its not like I ever talk to anyone anyway. When I do go with other people I hate when you get someone who tries to talk and make friends with you at a show so I am not going to be that person. But hey at least I'll be out doing something I LOVE to do. I love live shows and the energy and the sound even if I am tired as hell its always just uplifting and fun. So there may be some more concert posts here in the next couple weeks.

Also the first weekend in April I will be going back to Ohio for my parents 25th wedding anniversary. That should be pretty fun. I'll get to see my son for a while. But thats about it.

In Limbo

So yeah, I've found a way to keep my stomach problems in check, weight gainer. I used to take it way back when I used to try to lift weights and get big before I realized I will never be buff. Now all I have to do is figure out which vitamins and such that is in it fixes my stomach. As for the rest of the stuff I was bitching about in the post below, I am trying. I have been working out since Thursday, I found a nice little routin online instead of using dumbbells I use lead bricks since I have an abundance here at work and instead of sitting on my ass all morning listening to Elliot in the morning, I work out while listening to it. So far pretty good though my back is hurting pretty bad today, not sure why I haven't really done anything to it, may just be the sudden cold outside. Who knows, I'm just broke. I've been trying to scan for jobs for when I move and need to stop because thats really bringing me down considering that I have no education. I am looking to go back to school but again that will have to wait until I move so that I will be settled and be able to concentrate. I just emailed the school to see what all I'd have to do to re-enroll. They now offer an associates for radiation protection so I should be able to get that easier than before they only offered a bachlors. So thats finally one good thin but will probably still take me a while. I'll probably end up working at burger king or something. Actually I'll need to find a job at a mexican food place so I can torture everyone like they do here. Go up to a drive thru and you can't understand the persons accent, well down in Texas I will be the white guy the mexicans can't understand. Yeah payback...lol. Oh well. Still trying to figure everything out, trying not to tackle everything at once because that is usually why I give up, so just doing little things and research to try to make it easier when time comes. I guess first thing I should fix is my health and then worry about job and school when I have to and be prepared. I've been to the bottom and now just have to wait in limbo for a while until the door opens up to head up. Luckily I have a wonderful peron by my side and friends that will help myy find the stairs when the door opens.

Unrealized Dreams

As I sit here bored at work just like every other day counting down til I can go home, I've been thinking of all the great things I thought I was going to do once i got out of the military. I was going to go to school, I was going to get a great government job, I was going to start working out more. All of these things would be realized since I wouldn't be working 2 jobs anymore, I would have all of this free time, yet here I sit still with nothing accomplished. Granted the school and job thing needs to wait until I move but still. I have always lacked motivation. HB and I were talking last night a bit about it. When I have free time I usually want nothing more than to sit and veg in front of the TV. I barely even read the book that I wanted to because there is things on TV. I don't work out. I have a set of dumbells in the basement I figured I could lift a bit everyday while I watched TV but no I sit and mess around on my computer or spend an hour playing with my guitar and continually leaning an easy part of a song that I never intend to finish leaning the whole thing. My life is always full of unrealized dreams. I start something and never finish it. Hell like 2 years ago I started working towards a degree, I took 3 classes, failed one but passed the other 2 and that was it. No more since then. Hell I start to try to seek medical care before I got out but didn't really finish or follow up. I think I've slightly mentioned a few times but it is kinda embarrassing, they said I have irritable bowel syndrome. For the past 2 years or so my poo is more like soft serve to water. It has gotten somewhat controllable lately since it seems to hit just right. I get to work clock in and then wham there it is, usually just once a day but sometimes more. They gave me a couple different fiber things but didn't really help so I just stopped taking it and deal with it. I should have had a GI scan done to figure out what exactly was the cause but never followed through. This I can blame a small amount of my fatigue and lethargia but the rest is my fault. Maybe its depression or uncertainty or ADD I have no clue but it is something that I don't know how to correct. Maybe its just my dumbass being lazy. This obviously isn't the first time I've realized this, but why didn't I get help when I had medical. My strongest reason has been that if anything goes down between me and my ex then I have a clean "mental" slate when it comes to medical records which I know she doesn't. Another is I just don't like talking to others about my problems, I never have I probably never will. I mean something yes I will tell friends or the people it affects but when it comes to inner turmoil, I think its best to remain in and it will eventually go away. I know its not true but like everything else, I know most the facts, I know what I do is wrong, I know there is some chance that my problems could be solved somehow medically but I don't. Maybe its pride or whatever. I really have no clue all I know is I can't fix it. Will I someday, probably not. It just seems I am constantly in limbo. I'm gonna do this when I transfer, I'm gonna do this when I get out, I'm gonna do this when I move to Texas, I'm gonna do this when we get our house, when will it end. When will it finally be that time. When will I stop procrastinating. Short answer- probably when I die.

Useless

I still don't really have much to say. My buddy Chris and his wifey have been staying with us since Vday and will be leaving us tomorrow. Its been fun having friends again and just sitting around and bullshitting. But besides that nothing but work and hanging out so here's some useless facts!

The world record for the number of body piercings on one individual is 702, which is held by Canadian Brent Moffat.

With winds of 50 miles per hour, The Statue of Liberty sways three inches and the torch sways five inches.

The first product that Sony came out with was the rice cooker.

The Hubble telescope is so powerful that it is like pointing a beam of light at a dime that is two hundred miles away.

The average American drinks 400 glasses of milk in a year.

Eyebrow hair lasts between 3-5 months before it sheds.

Women who are romance novel readers are reported to make love 74% more often with their partners than women who do not read romance novels.

It is possible to get high by licking a toad. The Cane Toad produces a toxin called bufotenine to ward off predators. When licked, this toxin acts as a hallucinogen.

It takes about 63,000 trees to make the newsprint for the average Sunday edition of The New York Times.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In 1998, Ten Speed Press publishing company published a book, "The Eat A Bug Cookbook" by David George Gordon that contains over 33 bug recipes.

It was believed by Ancient Hindus that the world was a sphere and rested on the back of four elephants, which stood on a turtle.

Desert snails can stay in their shell for up to three years.

Jupiter is the fastest rotating planet, which can complete one revolution in less than ten hours.

In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift officially married a fifty pound rock. More than twenty people witnessed the ceremony.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The only poisonous birds in the world are the three species of Pitohui. The Hooded Pitohui from Papua New Guinea is the most deadliest out of the three.

Budweiser beer is named after a town in Czechoslovakia.

It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

The reason the soft drink Dr Pepper is called that is because the inventor Wade Morrison named it after Dr. Charles Pepper who had given him his first job.

The temperature of lightning bolts is sometimes hotter than the surface of the sun.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

In Singapore, it is illegal to sell or own chewing gum

Outside London, Liverpool is the most filmed British city, and was used to film more than 140 films in 2002.

In the 18th century, potatoes were given out as a dessert. They were served in a napkin, salted and hot.

A human head remains conscious for about 15 to 20 seconds after it is been decapitated.

The tuatara lizard of New Zealand has three eyes, two in the center of its head and one on the top of its head.

There are more Barbie dolls in Italy than there are Canadians in Canada.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

The country with the highest consumption of candy at 29.5 pounds annually per person is Denmark.

The most dangerous job in the United States is that of a fisherman, followed by logging and then an airline pilot.

Every year Alaska has about 5,000 earthquakes, 1,000 of which measure above 3.5 on the Richter scale.

Nothing

SO I know it's been a while since I've posted anything, and even longer since I've posted anything that anyone would ever want to read, but thats ok since no one really reads anyway other than the few who stop by. Thats ok this is my place to put my feelings so I can look back and reflect. I was planning on doing that but either the computers here or blogger is fucking up. I've had a few thoughts of things to bitch about but haven't really had time, a few things I wanted to discuss but same thing. Well truth is I have time but it's time that I don't really want to spend trying to write crap. Everyday is always the same, work go home do my routine, go to bed. Everyday, nothing really exciting. Perhaps I'll write again when I have something to say other than I don't have anything to say.
I did see Epic Movie last weekend, it was funny but not as funny as the scary movies or anything. It isnt really worth paying money to go see unless you just wanna go to the movies. I watched Smokin Aces yesterday, it was ok. I liked most of the story up til the end, the ending is probably what kept getting it low ratings. It has one of those crappy ass plot twists at the end, and its one that is really hard to follow at least for me. I should have rewound it and watched it again but it pissed me off too much for that. Oh well, thats my 2 cent input. Until next time...

Reality

Today I got my first whole paycheck, I was disappointed. We get paid Bi-weekly, I make $20 an hour and I still made 400 less than when I was in the Navy. Add everything up and I will be making about 1200 less a month now. I will have about 400 a month to spend on whatever I want. This kind of sucks, when I added everything up before I didn't take into account taxes and all that crap. I think I have them taking out more taxes now because last year I had to pay in and I probably will again this year and I don't want to do that anymore but still I figured it would be close to the same money. I think it's gonna be hard for the rest of the time I am here in this area. It probably wouldn't be so hard if my car payment wasn't so damn much but I probably still can't refinance the damn thing. Luckily I do have some money at the moment but that will probably go away whenever I get my taxes done. I'm still waiting to get my W-2 so I can find out how much I will have to pay this year, hopefully it won't be as much as last year. I guess I'll see. I'm just bummed. I had more in mind that I wanted to blog about but now I forgot. Maybe I'll remember later.

Some poker and other stuff

SO this weekend I did a little better at poker, yesterday at least. It wasn't big winnings but I just need the experience. It was a $2 tournament, there were like 600 or so people I came in 28th place, the winnings were only $4 but I was glad I was learning to fold. My main problem is I want to see the flop. I get so pissed when I see the end and I would have had the best hand. I probably would have made it further but I went for it and got beat. I am almost out of money on there, I started with 50 and am down to 5, but it at least lasted me a couple weeks. If I wouldn't have gotten pissed and started wasting my money on cash games I would still be good. Now I know better. It is all a learning experience for me.

It finally snowed here yesterday. I am a dumbass. I have this thing that when I have the heater on in the car I have to have a window cracked because I have a hard time breathing. SO Friday since it was cold I had the heater on and had the passenger window and the passenger back seat windows down about and inch and a half or 2. Well apparently I forgot to roll it up when I got home and since I didn't drive anywhere this weekend they stayed down and it snowed in my car. At least it wasn't raining all weekend. Maybe it aired some of the smoke smell out, I couldn't tell. I felt like a retard when I was knocking the snow off my car this morning and got to that side and saw it. Oh well, live and learn as always. Watched some football yesterday, I was pissed that the colts came back to win. I am rooting for the bears in the Superbowl. It should be a good game. Other than that not a very eventful weekend. It is just really cold. They cancelled and postponed schools today for some reason, we barely got any snow, maybe an inch and it was frozen but the roads were fine. Stupid people, I don't get out of work for snow days, I have to come or I don't get paid. They did talk to me on Friday about switching me to full time since I work over 30 hours a week. It sounds like I can still keep my flexible hours and everything the only difference would be that I will start to get vacation days, which I won't get that many before I leave. Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Poe Toaster, again...

So I missed it this year. I thought I stumbled on it yet again on the day of but I was wrong, it happened last night or this morning however you want to look at it. CNN quotes the gay curator as this years crowd behaved unlike last year, trying to interfere. I can't speak for the rest of the crowd that was there, I wanted to get a photo of the stuff on the grave. Sure I wouldn't mind following him and finding out who he is, maybe get a drink with him. Then I could say that hey I toasted with the Poe Toaster. I certainly wouldn't go blabbing his identity or anything but it would be fun. Who knows the guy might knock my ass out to help conceal his identity who knows. But I missed it and probably won't be here next year but if I come back I may just go and hop the fence myself and stake the grave and catch him by surprise just to see what happens. I wouldn't interfere with the toast just see what happens afterwards...lol.

Useless Facts

Consuming chocolate was once considered a sin during the 16th and 17th century. During that time it was provided in the form of a drink and since drinking wine during lent was a sin, so was drinking chocolate.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create explosion that is equal to an atomic bomb.

The ruby red slippers in the movie "The Wizard of Oz" were sold off at an auction for $660,000.

Lake Baikal, in Siberia, is the deepest lake in the world.

Every year Alaska has about 5,000 earthquakes, 1,000 of which measure above 3.5 on the Richter scale.

The average day is actually 23 hours, 56 minutes and 4.09 seconds. We have a leap year every four years to make up for this shortfall.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The stonefish, which lives off the coast of Australia, is the most poisonous fish in the world.

The clown fish has the ability to change its sex. If a breeding female dies, the male fish will change its sex and mate with another male.

Some people start to sneeze if they are exposed to sunlight or have a light shined into their eye.

In 2002, dogs have killed more people in the U.S. than the Great White shark has killed in the past 100 years.

There are places in Saskatchewan called Elbow, Eyebrow, and Drinkwater.

Seniors who drink a cup of coffee before a memory test score higher than those who drink a cup of decaffeinated coffee.

Paul Hunn holds the record for the loudest burp, which was 118.1 decibels, which is as loud as a chainsaw.

A 27 year old heir to a sausage empire was handed a ticket for 116,000 pounds for driving at 80 km/hr in a 40 km/hr zone. This is because the speeding tickets in Finland are based on how much money a person makes.

Popped popcorn should be stored in the freezer or refrigerator as this way it can stay crunchy for up to three weeks.

In Belgium, there is a museum that is just for strawberries.

Ed Cox from San Francisco invented the pot scrubbing S.O.S. pads in 1917. His wife came up with the name, which stands for "Save Our Saucepans."

Dating back to 336 A.D., Christmas was first celebrated in ancient Rome, around 300 years after Christ's birth.

The rarest chocolate bar in the world is the Porcelana bar. There are only 20,000 of these bars produced a year, and they sell for $90 per pound.

In ancient Egypt, the only person who was allowed to wear cotton was the High Priest.

On the new hundred dollar bill the time on the clock tower of Independence Hall is 4:10.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Everyday approximately 35 meters of hair fibre is produced on the scalp of an adult.

Apple seeds are poisonous as they contain a cyanide compound.

Iceland was the first democratic country in the world.

There is a species of bird, Antpitta avis canis Ridgley, that barks like a dog.

Since its introduction in February 1935, more than two hundred million Monopoly board games have been sold worldwide.

Ants do not sleep.

Poker sucks

So I wasted about 40 bucks this weekend playing poker. I entered my first tournament and was doing really really good! I was up to 8th place and had a good hand but got beat by a better hand and finished just outside getting a cash prize, my second tounament I got knocked out about the same way but on the second hand. After that I got pissed and started playing some small cash games. It's not good to play when your pissed. Anytime I had a good hand, no one would bet with me and Id only win small pot. When I had an ok hand and stayed in to see if it was the best I would loose. It wasn't a good weekend.But I will keep playing for fake money during the week and hopefully get my skills up. Its hard because it seems some people just bet big to make everyone fold but the time you try to call their bluff they have a better hand than me. Hopefully next weekend I can win my money back. All I need is to place in one of these tournaments, the first one I could have won like 300 bucks. You win some and lose some, hopefully next weekend I'll win some.

Senses Fail Again!!

SO as usual when I go to concerts on workdays, I am tired as hell! Luckily I was home and in bed by midnight but still had to get up at 6am.

First up was a band called The Sleeping, they were ok, their songs seemed really really long though. They would stop and people would clap and then they'd start up again and I would start thinking that the music sounds the same as the last song, then he would start singing and then I'd be like oh this is still the last song. Also the singer kept asking for us to tear the place up but the music wasn't really that kind of music. They sounded ok though, maybe they'll get better.

Next up was Alexisonfire, these guys rocked. They sounded good, I think I'd heard a couple of their songs before. They seemed to be having a blast, the singer was wearing some short cut off jean shorts, which was just funny to look at. I will probably pick up their album and listen some more and maybe see them again. They sold me on their music. Unfortunately I didn't really research any of the bands, I was just going to see Senses Fail. Plus the guitarist did a triple or quadruple guitar spin, you know how some guitarists trow their guitars from the front down behind them and it comes up over their shoulder, well he threw it around and kinda hoola hooped it around several times, it was AWESOME! Plus the singer went out on the crowd and was singing, I always love when they do that, even if it was on the other side from me.

Then Saosin, all the teeny boppers loved them. They sounded ok, the singers voice reminded me kind of Chiodos lead singer, I liked his voice. The crowd was moshing and jumping all over the place, but it again didn't feel like that kind of music. The singer called for people to crowd surf to give the bouncers up front something to do. SO this band I am kind of on the border with, I may check their music out if I remember. Also I think this was when I got knocked around. At one point a pit opened up in front of me, no big deal I stood there, wasn't too bad then apparently one opened a little ways next to me and someone hit someone and they flew into me and sent me flying, I thought I got hit by a car! But all was good and even though I forgot to wear my steel toed boots, my feet survived.

Senses Fail !!! They kicked ass!! They played a good mix of new and old stuff, the crowd was going crazy! Buddy, the singer, was working on his mic cord swinging and pulled off some really cool ones including jumping off a speaker, swinging it behind his back and catching it under his leg. Also at one point he went off the stage and was doing something and he came back on stage doing back hand springs. The only slight problem was it seemed like he couldn't scream too well. Some of the spots that should have been screams he lightened up. I don't know if he's got a cold or something but he still rocked. That's got to be hard as hell, singing and screaming all the time then you get sick, you can't let down the fans, you got to keep your schedule. If that was the case he didn't let me down I still loved every minute of it! They will be on the Taste of Chaos Tour withe the Used, but not coming around here, if they come by you, GO SEE THEM! And they ended the show with one of my favorite songs from the new album, The Priest And The Matador and I'll leave you with the lyrics!

Here I lie
Staring At
Clouds and Shapes
Of dogs and cats.
I hear a woman
Start to yell
"Oh dear God, I think he fell"

I'm the arrow,
Shot straight to hell
From the bow of William Tell.
My body lies
Kissing the ground
Like a cross turned upside down.

A priest is rushing
To my side,
Begins to read me
My last rites.
Father you're too late
My faith is weak
So won't you save your
half-hearted speech.

A man bends down and says,
"Son, we're going to get through this one
take my hand and let us pray..."
I scream, "Please get the fuck away."

The ambulance is singing
As cops push back the crowd
I start to take my last breath,
As blood pours out my mouth.
The medics walk in my way
I think this could be it.
I hear them start to state
The time of death is half past six.

I'm the arrow,
Shot straight to hell

The perfect ending

I am now a civilian. All my doubts were taken away as I pulled onto the base. Lately I have had a hoop in my lip because the skin on the inside has been trying to grow over the stud and was hurting a bit and not looking too good. I know the rules, you aren't supposed to have piercings in when your active duty on base. SO I pulled up and the dumb bitch working yelled at me and told me to take it out, I tried to explain I am getting out today. She said she didn't care so I took it out and as I was pulling away I held it back to my mouth and she yelled and stopped me and told me not to put it back in. I nicely told her whatever despite my urge to tell her to go fuck herself, what is she going to do write me up for disobeying her? I'd be out before she started the paperwork. SO I go up and had to gather some more crap and then endeds up waiting a long time. I did put it back in but took the ball off so it wasn't as obvious, though I am sure a small metal bar sticking out looked pretty funny. While they were going through my record they didn't see all this leave I have been on and was going to give me money for it but I told them no because I know they would come back and I would owe them more when I least expected it so they fixed that, then they had no record of me going to school to be a Radiation Health tech...none, except for a little stamp when I checked in. No graduation certificate, I told him that I had a copy at home but didn't want to go get it, we figured out when I graduated and he added it based on my word which is hugely suprising! But now I got my paperwork and am done, well sorta. Technically I am on inactive reserves until 2010. I have no clue why they do this and don't tell you until you are about to get out that they can call you back until you serve 8 years from the date you join. If I could I would just get really fat so they couldn't call me back, but I can't so if they try I'll just have to sacrifice a couple toes or something.

I downloaded the Full tilt poker, it seems cool so far exceeept that I am having problems getting money into the account. I played a bit with fake money and wasn't doing too hot, I ended up breaking a little less than even, I will probably keep playing that for a while to get the feel for the other people who play there and how they play. This will be a slow process for me since I don't really have the money to keep blowing on it, I have to be smart about it and play the low stakes, when I get good at it I will move up to the higher cost ones. But I will keep you updated.

New Career?

SO I decided that I am going to venture into the online poker field. I've been watching the Texas Hold'em on TV and used to play quite a bit. Lately I've been thinking how cool would it be to sit and play cards for a couple hours, granted the big tournaments are days but then win hundreds of thousands of dollars to millions. I think I could live good off that. I know chances are slim of me ever becoming one of the few who wins that much but hey, maybe I could win some extra cash. I need to figure out something since I have grown accustomed to having extra cash from a second job and all.I've decided to go with Full Tilt Poker which seems good. You can play fake money games and real money games. Some of the games have real pros on there. I figured that since I get home an hour or 2 before HB that perhaps I can play some games when I get home from work or something and then maybe some tournaments on weekends. HB has been complaining since I sit in the basement on weekends to watch what I want to instead of her shows and cartoons, now I will have a legitimate reason, I am working, I am trying to earn some money. I don't want to become one of those fat lazy guys who sit at the computer all day but I think it's the only way to really make money online. The ad-sense thing I added a long time ago and asked everyone to click but no one did, earned like a dollar in the past gawd knows how long. I like poker, don't have any friends to play with anymore so why not try, you see guys on the TV tournaments that made it from online poker, most fall out fast but there are some who make it up to the final table and earn lots of money. Personally I'd be happy maybe winning a couple hundred on the weekends. I'll keep you updated on how it goes. I think I'll download it tonight, but don't know if I will get a chance to try it out or not, we'll see.

Tomorrow I am officially out of the Navy! Thursday I will be going to see Senses Fail for the 3rd time, well the first time was warped tour but it still counts. It's gonna be great! Hopefully we will be able to take pics, it's at Ram's Head Live, last time there we couldn't take pics but I think it was just cause Jared Leto had a zit or something. Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Happy New Year

Hope everyone had a good New Years! Mine was nice and boring. We went out for dinner with some friends and then went home and watched South Park until the ball dropped and went to bed. For the first day of the new year I sat and watched UFC marathon. Nice and boring, a good way to start it out. With this year I will be going through a lot of changes, no I'm not turning into a woman or anything. This year is scary for me to look forward to though. In a couple days I will no longer have any health benefits, I will no longer be getting paid everyday even if I'm not at work, I will be moving further away from my family, and will be looking for a job. Granted I've been through all of these things before, well I wasn't paid everyday until I joined the Navy but everything else, just not all at the same time. All I can do is sit back and wait as times grow closer to the big change. Hopefully the transition will go smoothly and quickly. If anyone knows of a job opportunity that involves playing with radiation in San Antonio, let me know! I haven't been too inspired to write on here and now isn't any different so I will try to think of something and come back. Later.

New Blogger

So this site now has the new blogger version! You may be asking why it looks exactly the same, the answer is simple, I like it this way. So to use all the really cool and easy features that would have helped me so much a year or so ago when I revamped to the current look I will have to start over with a new blank template. Now to get back to this look shouldn't take very long but I am really lazy, last time it took about a week I think of when I was supposed to actually be working but instead but all my hard work into getting this page looking so magnificent!!! Wow even the spell checker is cooler. But I will probably be messing with it over the weekend to get it changed and try to change it back. Hope everyone has a good weekend and have fun celebrating the New Year!

Year in Review

Well this year is about over with. Lets review shall we. Umm HB and I stayed together all year, I went to more concerts, We moved into a townhouse, I got my babies Homer and Marge, HB got her baby Bonn yesterday and that's about it. Bonn is a polish shepard retired military dog. He is cool, listens pretty well and is well behaved. He follows HB all over though, it is funny now HB has me, her boy and a dog following her around the house. I have no clue what the difference is between a polish and german shepard is, he's pretty fluffy maybe polish are fluffy people and thats why they can't screw in a lightbulb. About the name Bonn, no we didn't name him it. His trainer gave him the name when he enlisted kind of like the names given in Full Metal Jacket, at least he's not private snowball. He's 10 years old or so and has some back and leg problems which is why I really didn't want to get him, the last dog I had dies when I was 14 or so and it was hard watching him go, he had glaucoma and stomach cancer or some shit. He just laid there and moaned all day long and looked like death. But HB kept talking about giving him a couple years of peace and loving family enviroment for his last couple years. He does deserve to retire and enjoy some relaxation time. I like him except when he was whinning last night while I was trying to sleep, we put his cage in our room since they were supposed to come and sand our dining room and we wanted it out of the way but I found out today that they aren't coming til Tuesday, I don't think I can take it til then maybe he'll relax a little more tonight I dunno.

Well it may or may not have kicked in but I switched to the new version of google blogger. Damn google and Ipods are trying to take over the world. I signed up and it said it was switchin I don't know if you will notice a difference or not. Hope everyone has a safe and Happy New Year, I may try to get a pic up of Bonn.

I'm home for the holidays

I am back from Ohio. It was good to see my son. I bought him a couple gifts at the toy store and didn't bother wrapping them I let him pick out a Star Wars game and a remote control bigfoot. He seemed to enjoy them and wrapped up magnetics and some leapster games for the leapster his mom bought him for christmas. I was there almost a week and it was still pretty hecktic running around trying to see my family. My parents bought me some clothes and stuff since I didn't really want anything but they suprised me like they usually try to with one big gift. They bought the first grandfather clock that my great grandpa made at the auction last month. I've been saying how much I wanted one since I saw the one he gave to them. Apparently my grandma I don't really care for and my mom got into it about it. My grandma wanted to buy it for my cousin who doesn't really visit with him or anything and my mom said no I was going to get it, she didn't care if she had to go get a loan to pay for it. My grandma is a bitch! But all is good. They said whenever I get settled into a house they would bring it to me. I am excited, it is really nice too. My great grandpa told me that he added me into his will to be a pallbearer if I was around, I told him that I would come home no matter where I am. It is just hard to see him. I don't think he will make it through the year. He is doing pretty good but he just got released from a home again and back to his apartment the day before I got back. Mom told him that I wanted his war scapbook, I hope he changed that in the will, it was going to go to a museum, he's got pictures of Hitlers palace and some of the people over there, there are a few of the concentration camps that are gross but it is what he saw and it is something I would want to keep with the family and pass it down along with the clocks. I told HB last night that I need to go get a nice suit after the new year. Normally when someone goes that is married for as long as he was they go within a year afterwards but he is strong and keeps fighting but I still think his body is giving out. It is funny listening to him talk though. I heard some more stories this time. He goes to the american legion and such and was telling us how he was getting in an argument with some racist people complaining about mexicans coming across the border. He said they had more of a right to be here than most of us. I thought it was funny because most old timers are racist against everyone. OK I am getting sad again.

It is good to be back home with HB, I missed her too much being gone. I feel bad that I don't have a good gift to give her. I bought her a snoopy but I don't feel thats enough, I've grown up used to the fact that most get a bunch of things and usually one big gift that they really wanted and I haven't found anything that screamed HB to me. Sorry I haven't caught up on everyones blogs, I am actually looking forward to going back to work, though I like being lazy I need something to keep me occupied...lol. I'll probably be complaing about work next week. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas!

I need outta here!

I hate this area!! Now I've never been a fan of shopping or even going to the store but for this time of year, I don't want to leave the house. I don't like people or crowds and this place turns into hell for Christmas. HB has been getting aggravated because I don't wanna go to the store with her. I just went to Toys R Us to get a couple things for my son since I haven't bought anything, well the crowds were horrendous, parking was non existing, leaving I almost got in an accident because these people can't drive. I hate it! I will be driving back to Ohio on Monday, I will do all my shopping there where the stores won't have 1/4 of the people in the same size place. Fuck these people and the stores here!!!!!!!!!

Little Update

Just a quick update, things are going pretty good. It is nice to work from 7-3 and go home and kind of relax. Work is as boring as ever trying to keep busy for 8 hours. My supervisor, kind of, is trying to find me stuff to keep busy but I am pretty happy just sitting here playing on the computer for most the day and doing little bits of work. I finished our room project and my back isn't quite as sore anymore. I still haven't done any christmas shopping, well I did buy my mom 2 shirts online but thats it. I am kind of broke since I made a mistake spending all my money...lol. I forgot to take 500 out for rent so when that hit I was broke. I get paid Thursday and friday so then I can go shopping. I will be back in Ohio next week, I may have to stay an extra day thanks to the schools being stupid. I remember back when I was in school you got like 3 weeks of for christmas so I planned next week, the week before christmas so I could spend time with my son and then come back here and spend christmas itself with HB. But nope my sons vacation doesn't start until that weekend so I may have to stay Saturday so we can have a small thing where he can open my presents. That kind of bums me out. Not really a whole lot else happening. As you can see below Homer and Marge are doing well and getting big. Marge is eating a lot better and more, she's still not as big as Homer.Umm thats about it. I work and go home, feed them, clean up a bit and sometimes try to take a nap but most times just veg out in front of the tv, eat and sleep. I'm too tired to do anything exciting. But there is peace in boring routine. Hope everyone has a happy and safe holidays.

Happy Holidays

From Homer and Marge

The Beginning

So here is what I look like after 2 weeks of not being in the military! I am on my way to being a bum, note the peach fuzz making it's way into a fuzz goatee. HB has said I am trying to be a little mountain man, I think it's more like a hill man myself. I'll post more pics as the hair gets longer and I start looking more and more like a bum!


While trying to take a pic I got this of my eyes that look really blue and cool!

HFSmas Nutcracker!

SO this was my first time at Rams Head Live, my directions there were messed up but thankfully with my sharp sense of direction and a few Uturns I got us there a little late. Apparently one of the bands missed a train so they started an hour late, I was hoping the band didn't make it but they did so the show ran later, I'll get to that in a minute. There will be no pics at least unless HFS puts up pics because no cameras were allowed. It was a nice small place, we were in the back where there was a little step to sit on in between sets which was nice and we were still close to the stage, it was great. The first band was 40 Acres. THey were really good. Good old ole school rock, some resembelance to Guns N Roses. The singer interacted well with the crowd throwing out CDs and Tshirts from his santa bag. The guitarist was amazing!! He could definately be the next Slash, he even had hair working on being like his...lol.

Next up was Shiny Toy Guns, the reason the show was late. They fucking sucked ass!! Thankfully they only played like 3 songs and left! The chick was spazing out while trying to sing and play, the keyboard guy looked like the singer from AFI, gay as hell, the other singer/guitar player had the gayest hair, I hope there are pics so you can understand, he had his part shaved on the side of his head with the rest long. The drummer I think was the worst, he had a triangle painted on his eye like he thought he was in Kiss, he kept doing weird ass dancing moves and being over dramatic while playing. It was a trainwreck!!! Supposedly they just played Letterman which aired last night. They sucked ass!!

Next was +44 Which Kicked as much ass as I thought they would. The ladies loved them some Mark, he would come to the edge of the stage to say hi to everyone, making eye contact with everyone in the crowd, throwing pics to people. They played pretty much their whole album, no Blink songs. Here's the amazing part, Travis had a cast on his right wrist, I don't know if it was broken or what but he kicked ass on the drums with one hand! It was great! I could only imagine seeing him play with both. At one point he smoke a cigarrete while playing, I don't think you'd ever see a drummer doing that but all he was doing with that hand was holding it up so why not put a cig in it...lol. It was great, Mark loved talking to the crowd and the crowd loved him! The only problem was the sound was a little messed up with his mic so it sounded a bit distorted, but don't think it was his fault.

Finally 30 Seconds to Mars by this time it was almost midnight and HB and I had to get up early. THey came out the crowd went crazy as the girls drooled over themselves, HB included. We only stayed for a few songs. They were good though but by that time I was tired, hungry and my legs and back was hurting so I wasn't fully enjoying the moment, totally my fault not the bands. They played awesome and Jared didn't preach too much, he got into it a little but nothing over the top so they stay out of that category. It just sucks going to concerts on work night and the parking garage there was horrendously small, I couldn't imagine trying to get out with a shitload of cars. But we made it out safe, I just got a speeding ticket on the way home. They "reduced" the fine, by saying I was doing 67 instead of 76 in a 55. I think they are full of shit, I may have been doing 70 but whatever $80 down the drain again. I wonder how many speeding tickets I've gotten now, at least 10 I think. WHatever. All n all good time, another good show!