Weekend Review....

So I haven't been home at all this weekend. First if I have any ones phone number(Martini if u still read) and you got drunkdialed Saturday, I am sorry, I didn't do it!! So Friday I went with a couple friends up to a cottage on the lake again, we just kinda hung out Friday played some cards and shit. Saturday we went out on the lake, did some swimming a guy skiied, 2 of us couldn't though because our feet were too big and the ski wouldn't go bigger, it sucked. Then we went to the store and got a shitload of beer and a guy bought some shots of liquor, oh yeah I gotta look that up. Quatro-tres, some spanish liqor that tasted so good like vinilla syrup! And Navy rum was good! Anyways we played beer pong which I kicked fucking ass in!! And then a guy got ahold of my phone and started calling a couple of the girls in my phone book, he called the crazy chick I was hooking up with in the latter posts and HB and SM or FSM whatever So I had a couple angry voicemails, but phone is messing up again like on the way to the concert it just dies, I took it to sprint and they said the battery was dead even though it charged all night so I just have to keep it on the charger and take it in tomorrow slightly charged. Dumbasses! But then yesterday I went with my parents to a casino, I didn't win enough to get more tattoos :( I broke even I lost 150 yeasterday and won it back today before we came home so wasn't too bad, my parents lost a couple hundred I guess, they didn't say much. I missed school today, my second day of Phycology class, that kinda sucks, I hope I'm not behind too much Wednesday, tomorrow I gotta get up early tomorrow for my first EMT class, hopefully I can get everything straight with that, I also have an interview for a place working with the handicap, they kinda took forever to call me back and now I guess they are holding mass interviews at least thats what it seems, but I am gonna try to kick into the place, I definately could use the extra money and I am tired of my face breaking out from working in fast food again, I don't think my coworkers will be wuite as fun but give and take, its all got good and bads right... Well I am off to do some homework and then try to get to bed early. And if u were drunkdialed, let me know what was said cuz HB didn't talk to me, the crazy chick is kind of ignoring my and SM hasn't returned my calls, I have no clue what was said, the guy IU think did it was wasted and says he doesn't remember so.... I can only apologize and say it really wasn't me!

Silverstein Xs 5!!!!

So last night was the best concert ever and probably the 3rd best day of my life! It started pretty bad traffic sucked getting to Detroit, I kinda got losed because some roads were blocked and cops were directing traffic, I finally decided to just park, I found a lot. My phoine kept just shutting off, it wouldn't stay on, then it wouldn't even turn on. The lot ended up being right around the corner from the venue. I didn't get anyone to go with me, I went in the bar next to it, sat had a couple drinks talked to the bartenders til doors opened. I'm not going to go into it about the bands cuz I only got a couple hours sleep and gotta go to school in half hour. Smoke and water or something was cool during it I made some guy buy me a beer for talking shit. Comeback Kid kicked fucking ass some chick came up and started making out with me. SIlverstein of course was great but still didn't play already dead, I also made out with this girls friend. Also during Silverstein I shoved back some guy who got pissed off and punched me in the face, as he tried to do it a second time I grabbed his arm and broke it. I finally got to do one of the fucking moves I learned in hand to hand combat.I grabbed his arm over my shoulder and just yanked the fucker, he just kind of ran off. It was fucking hilarious, I do have a bit of a mark on my cheek though. Rise Against was very good I definately want to see them again too! But got to make out with 2 chicks and break a dudes arm, I don't think I can top that. Hell I don't think I ever even made out at a concert when I went with a girlfriend, I kissed but not like that. Then on the drive home I had to drive though a fucking monsoon! I could barely see the road!!! But I got home safe and have a great story. Good things, bad things, and great fucking memories! But I should have some pics, I'll try to post them sometime this weekend.

Saliva and other shit

So Sunday I did get to see Saliva play in my small ass fucking town! Barely! So we have been having floods and shit, they couldn't play at Kmart parking lot because it was raining so they moved it over to the latin american club which they said could only hold 550 people, they solde about 1500 tickets! So this means big riot in small town right. We got there plenty early(me and my cousin) but I was hungover(still drunk) I stayed up all night with some guys from work drinking, so I took a nap in my car when I woke up there was a long ass line. I noticed that I knew like everyone working security and shit. We waited in the cold ass wind and freezing rain for 3 hours til they opened the doors and then they let people in and stopped 5 people from us and said they were full. My friends said they'd get us in a side door but then they came back and said they could let 20 more people in, so we were good. They actually had a shitton more room but that was the "maximun occupancy". But had a good time, it was my 13 year old cousins first concert, little kids had a mosh pit going but cops came in and busted it up, these cops were fucking stupid! A 9 year old crowd surfed, a sherrif fucking threw people to get the kid down and then dragged off a guy who helped pick him up, if he fucking wanted up who cares its a fucking rock show!!

Tomorrow I am going to see Rise Against, Silverstein, and Comeback Kid!! in Detroit, I can't find anyone to go with me :( this town sucks, I almosist had this 17 year old kid I work with but he has to go school shopping with his mom! I just keep busting his balls, hes funny. But all my friends who would dig that music fucking work and that is only like 3 people! Whatever, I'll just waste money on an extra ticket like usual!

Today was my first day of school!! I have Psychology on Monday and Wednesday, EMT Basic on Tuesday and Biology on Friday! Kinda sucks I couldn't get at least a couple on the same day since I have to drive like 20 miles to the place but whatever, I can deal with one class a day. I also got my first check at work, that fucking sucked!!!!! I was getting twice that every fucking week, but I am getting this every 2 weeks!! I will not be able to pay my bills, thank god to my GI Bill that should start paying me to go to school here next month! I had to take out a loan to get me to then! I finally got my tat finished, I just got some green background for Homer and Bart, some negative stars, it looks cool! I was talking to him about what I wanted for my other arm, an actual heart with a dagger through it, he said we could put the heart in the middle of the barbed wire I already have and make it work! I am going gambeling with my parents this weekend for my moms bday, hopefully I will win again so I can pay some bills and start on my other arm! I want to be fucking covered with tats! I have some more ideas! But here is a couple of pics from the show sunday! Oh yeah the guitarist I think his name was Johnny got a tat at the shop I go to before the show! They are supposed to come back to play a makeup show for those who didn't get in, I still got my ticket so I will be there!





Below is the guy who got the tat!

My Tattoo and some Darma

So I really don't have anything much to say. But I figured I'd update a little and put some pics up of my half sleeve for those of you who haven't seen it, feel free to comment on it. I love it, it should have been finished yesterday but we had some miscommunication so it will be finished Tuesday all thats left is putting a green background on the inside behind Homer and Bart. I like all the different fonts we used for each word, I just wish my "box at the elbow looked a little more like a box. I like the way my heart at the tip of it isn't a full heart, its incomplete. There were just little things that the tat guy suggested and helped make things better, I wish I had the drawing I went in with it was quite funny considering I have no artistic ability whatsoever! I was trying to draw and squeeze this box and words all on the inside of my arm which would never have fit, but that ws one of the main things I really wanted! I just didn't know how to put it on or fit it in. But whatever I love the work he did and I love the work on my arm!! I am sad that it will be over, I am trying to figure out what next, I am thinking about a dagger though a bleeding heart or something. I have to put something on my other arm cuz all it has is barbed wire and looks naked now compare to this! but here they are.







But hope everyone has a good weekend, I will be working though I am supposed to meet a new friend tomorrow before work, we'll see if shes as phyco as the last one. I've talked to her a couple of times, she seems cool but I guess she is religious, we'll see how much cuz we know that ain't my style. But I told the other chick that it was over and she got pissy and gave me attitude about the chick who left me some comments on myspace. Her fucking boyfriend was just here, she fucked him, it broke our deal and I told her that. Then she started saying well its 4 more months until he'll be back and that she was thinking about telling him to forget it and breaking it off and blah blah blah. I thought about telling her I thought about being a millionaire, it doest change the reality huh. But instead I didn't say shit, I don't have to say shit, we didn't really have anything but she got pissy and said she was going to bed. Fucking crazy, she's the one cheating on her boyfriend and gonna try to guilt me. Women! Whatever, I don't repect cheaters anyway anyone who knows me knows that. Why was I the other guy, because I was lonely and if it wasn't me it'd just be someone else so why not. Plus we were straight up with each other, there was no commitment, I at least had the decency to tell her that it wasn't going on anymore instead of just ignoring her cuz I did think about doing that too. Whatever, lets see if she starts talking shit now.

So lets see what was the last post?? I didn't get to see Silversun Pickups yet again, I probably never will, my friend that lives in Columbus was up here, we hung out there was a huge birthday party, it was fun. I swear I hate him though, Uncle Tom would understand.... he can pick up any instrument and play it well. Some fucking alien thing could fall from the sky and he could probably make good music with it in 10 minutes. I keep telling him he has to teach me, we'll see though. But Saliva is playing here next Sunday so I will definately be seeing them, but I guess we probably won't get much time to hang out with them, I guess the drummers mom just died. Then I bought tickets for Silverstein, Rise against, and Comeback kid up in Detroit next Thursday. Hopefully I can find someone to drag with me, all the other concerts I put off buying tix until something came up and I couldn't go so I bought these already because its fucking Silverstein and its a new fucking album so I have to see them, plus I like the other bands!!

Lets see the drama with that chick, she just hasn't talked to me all week, so yeah I am done with her, she is in love or thats what shes saying on myspace so I am done, I am not going to fuck with love. I pretty much thought she was by the way she'd talk to him on the phone. Plus like I said I don't need that shit, let someone else deal with it. My son said he ran into her at the store when he was with his mom, that should have been funny especially since she was probably with her boyfriend and my son was with his mom... But whatever I have been talking with some other people and shit. I start school in a week and a half....so I am going to be busy as shit... About time! Well I need to go play with my kid, I think we'll go to the park today even though its probably gonna be hot as hell yet again!

Here comes the drama!!

Well lets begin with work isn't too bad. It kinda sucks knowing I went from a cushy job making 20/hr to sweating my ass off in a kitchen for less than 7. But whatever lifes got its ups and downs, a couple months ago I was haapy and in love too, now I am single and the chick I am fucking is a nut. So her "boyfriend" or whatever that lives in Florida and wanted to move up around Christmas is now coming up for a visit next weekend. I am trying to decide if I should use this as an out or not. We had a deal, only have sex with each other, that was it no other commitments except to not sleep woth other people. Well she is more than likly gonna sleep with him so that breaks our deal. But I like having her around, I am shy I can't just go out and even drunk, find a girl and make out with or take home or whatever. I have a couple of times but it is rare and was a whole lot easier in a big place like DC instead of here where I will see that person again or someone there will see it and talk shit and my business will be all over or whatever. SO that is my personal inner debate right now. She is cool and all but she tells the same damn stories over and over. Shes had a rough life but I am tired of hearing how her ex husband beat her and this and that, once is enough. She was raped once and almost raped another, ok, once I know that is it, I don't want to hear it over and over again. That wouldn't be a subject that I think I would want to keep bringing up anyways. Then I find out this "boyfriend" is a friend that she hasn't actually seen in person for like 10 years or something crazy like that. How fucking nuts is that? He calls her like 20 times a day and it sucks when I am with her she still answers it. So then I have to sit and listen to her fucking talk sweetie to him then come sit on my lap and start kissing on me. That is just weird, it makes me feel like an asshole and I don't like feeling like an asshole. Then now there are a shitload of hotties at work but they all look like jailbait, I haven't asked anyones age just so I don't feel like a complete perv. I like everyone I work with except there is one dumbass that no one likes. I was supposed to go see Silversun Pickups monday in Toledo but they sold out before I could get tix but they are playin a festival thing in Columbus so I am gonna have a friend get some tix for me and I can go down and stay with him. I haven't seen him for a couple years, it should be fun. I think thats about it for now. I gotta get up and open in the morning, I need to go to sleep but I am not that tired yet. It sucks!

New Job!!

So I now work in the kitchen at a wings joint! I wanted to be a bartender or waiter while I was in school but at this point I am just happy to have a job. Friday night I was out with a couple buddies drinking there and a guy came out of the kitchen that I worked with a long time ago at Taco Bell. I told him to get someone fired so I could have a job, he went and got the manager, he came back and asked if I wanted a job, I said yeah, he said ok come Sunday for orientation. The tonight was my first night, there are a couple of old friends that work there, but we lost touch on purpose and on bad terms, but I am willing to put it in the past that they fucked me over. Not much I can do. But the job isn't bad so far, its fast! Lots of people eat there all the time! But that helped time go faster so it was all good. So Now I am gonna have my plate full, I'll be working, my school starts the 22nd, Still spending time with my son, still trying to make new friends, and everything else. We'll see how long it takes for me to burn out. I need it though it sucks being bored and stuck home during the week since my 2 friends work 2nd shift. Well obviously I don't have anything intelligent to say right now, just wanted to update that I have a job!!! Yay me.

Sick Puppies!

So not really anything new, same shit, trying to find a job, getting more and more stressed about money. Trying to figure out how to pay my car and the rest of my bills next month, I may go try to get a loan and say I am still in the Navy and see if that works. But since I don't have much to say I am posting to tell whoever will read or listen about Sick Puppies Click that link and go listen to this band. Anyone who knows me knows how passionate I am about music and "new bands" stuff I haven't heard and then just absolutely fall for, like Silverstein who remains one of my top favorite bands. Well I believe it was on myspace the other day I was bored and checking on bands and I came across this one. I swear I have heard a couple of the songs before, it just kinda has that feel like it has always been a part of my life. It is rock, some mellow, some screaming, some fucked up lyrics, some sentimental, but all of it is fucking great!! I can't stop listening to it. Another fucking addiction. Seriously I made 2 copies of their CD so I can listen to it in the car and keep it playing in my room when I am home. The first 2 songs are my favorite. Actually if you turn on your speakers I have as many songs as I could find on the playlist over there on the side but I know you can't scroll down though. But "My World" and "Pitiful" are my favorite and though I want to post all their lyrics on here I will stick with these 2 songs that you can read while listening to if you can!! I am trying to see if I can see them in Detroit when they come by. On another music note, Saliva is going to play a benefit concert here in my small ass town at our kmart parking lot next month. Funny shit, I should be hanging out with the band cuz my cousin knows a guy and hung out with them before. I will definitely post when that happens.

"My World"

I'm not comin' back
I'm not gonna react
I'm not doin' shit for you.
I'm not sittin' around while you are tearin' it down around us.
I'm not livin' a lie while you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You leave me out on the curb just like everyone else before you.

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think I'm not seeing a shrink.
I'm not doing this again.
I'm not another student or a mother to take your shit out on
So let's see what you got, let's see what you're not
And what ever else you pretend
You defended my intention long ago

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.

I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

So here I am again.
In the middle of the end.
And the trust I wish I'd made
I always make too late

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world.

My world
My world (welcome to my world)
Welcome baby.

"Pitiful"

Made the toast,
Burnt the eggs,
Never got the hang of them,
Just another other day.

Caught the bus,
Forgot the change,
Looks like I'll be late again,
Hopefully they won't complain.

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose

Went to work,
Saw you there,
But you never seem to care,
For a single thing I say.

I set the clock and went to sleep,
This anxiety I keep,
Through another fucking day.

(Looks like that's all today i'm dying)

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose.

My life's so pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.

Well my life's so pitiful.
My life's so pitiful.
My life's so pitiful.
I'm dying.

so yeah....

Sorry about the little explosion the other day. I don't really have anyone to vent my feelings or frustrations to anymore. There are quite a few of them but it seems everyone else has bigger problems to worry about than me. My cousin is fucking broke, his car broke and everything else is going wrong with him. Chris is never around and we don't seem to talk anymore. The couple guys I hang out with, I don't bring up anything but I am broke. People keep giving me shit because I am broke and can't afford to pay my bills next month but I have spent 370 bucks on my tat this month. But at this point I really don't give a fuck. I have been worse off and the past couple years I have been doing really good, I can recover, I fucking deserve to spend money on myself. SO this chick I have been hanging out with is fucking crazy... I don't know really what her deal or angle is... We talked at first about being friends and shit, then decided on fuck buddies, she kinda has a boyfriend that lives in Florida and will be moving up here next year or some shit. Whatever, then she starts talking about she really liked me and all this, so I started kinda feeling like a dick cuz I like her but not that much, you know. Well so she still talks to Florida and tells him she loves him and all this shit. Cool, I don't care. Well I think it was last weekend or the one before, we went and saw a couple bands, well she got trashed...bad. She was drunk dialing people and screaming they had a small dick and she was hooking up with me and shit. I can deal with that I know she hadn't drank in a while and was blowing steam or whatever. Well she is pretty hot and has guys hitting on her constantly again, I don't care we just have sex. But she tries to rub it in my face. This guy in south carolina wants her to move there and live with him, a guy in Wisconsin or some shit, the Florida guy, and now she keeps telling me about this guy from the band we saw, the guy was pretty cool and was talking to me and shit about how we could come down to Columbus and crash with him and just party and shit, he seemed cool. Now she keeps telling me how they talked and shit, like she is trying to make me jealous. It sucks, other than that she is cool and shit, our kids get along great and love playing and everything else. The sex is getting better now that she is warming up to me. But I don't know how long I can deal with the drama. I just want to tell her to shut the fuck up and talk about something other than the guys who want to fuck her. I mean her only request was that while we were fucking, we only fuck each other, thats a good rule, I like that rule. But perhaps we should have added, that I don't want to hear ablut others that want to fuck you or that you are trying to line up for the future. I don't fucking tell her that last night when I was out with my buddies that I was talking to another chick and what the fuck ever you know, there are lines. I dunno know, I just need to find someone else who can make the same deal without the extra drama... I mean I really like the fact that we are fairly honest and open about everything but there are just things I don't want to hear. Like HB would tell me about someone else fucking her, thanks for sharing but not something I need to hear! I mean how would you like to hear I was fucking the shit out of my ex wife and I accidently shoved my dick in her ass and she screamed at me to get it out and jumped like a mother fucker. Its just something that should stay with you... I don't know I am tired and bored as shit. I have been having insomnia lately I can't seem to sleep until like 3 or so. I bout sleeping pills, they don't really work either. I just move back and forth from the computer to the tv, time to move to the tv. Goodnight.

HA

Ok I obviously have a hard time letting go and all the other bullshit. My last post I said about how no girl will measure up to HB. Then talked about how it was shitty the way it ended and asked how much was bullshit because at the end she tells me how miserable I had been making her for months. So how many months could that have been, I don't know because she didn't tell me so obviously I was being bullshitted at the end and if that makes me question how long I am an asshole. Tell me to get off my fucking high horse, read this whole fucking blog from the brginning, all 600 posts, find me one fucking piece where I am on a fucking high horse. I am a nice guy, that is all I claim to be... besides that I am a fuck up I always have been and always will be from the start of HB and I's relationship I told her I'd fuck it up, thats what I do. Don't get pissed at me when I do what I told you from the begining. I fucking know the list of problems I have and am, I know what I can fix and when, I have worked hard on the things I have changed and I am still working on everything about me. You want me on a fucking high horse, you want me to brag about myself. I am honest, I never fucking lied to you. I told you exactly how I felt from day 1 to the fucking end and to this day. I didn't omit or hide my feelings like you obviously did. I told you when I was upset with your son, I didn't hide that fact either. Yes I am fucking immature and let a kid reduce me to arguing, so fucking what. Yes that is my problem, be happy I learned to control the anger that made me welt my own childs ass or else I am sure I could have done worse to one that wasn't mine. Yes I drink, I am a fucking alcoholic, it fucking runs in my family it is hereditary, I am still fighting it. Other than having my fucking son here to distract me, there is no reason for me not to drink. When he goes to bed I no longer have a reason to stay sober, but I have fought it because it means something to me because that is one of the reasons I lost HB. If it made me lose something that was important to me, it is worth working on and everything that HB stated as reasons that it wouldn't work out meant something to me, I worked on every fucking one of those reasons. Why...to get her back...NO! Because I knew that IF BIG FUCKING IF someone like her came into my life again, I didn't want a repeat of the same fucking things to go wrong. I am not just talking about HB as a girlfriend, fiance, wife or anything else, she was my fucking best friend, I told her more than I told Chris and I told Chris almost everything, and what do I have to show for either nothing! They are both in Texas and I am here trying to make new friends where only one other person knows almost as many secrets. I am here starting from scratch, I have no fucking job, no more fucking money, 2 fucking friends, drama keeps following me, I have good reasons to get smashed as fucking hell, and just OD on everything I can get my hands on and I fucking want to so fucking bad but I don't. I have not smoked any weed, I did do coke one night, but that was my first night I went out after I quit smoking, I haven't gotten fucking drunk, I quit smoking, ME I quit fucking smoking! I get up everyday and keep fucking fighting, I go around this fucking shithole of a town and fucking fill out job applications for stupid fucking shit jobs and they don't fucking call me cause my training in Helth physics sounds too fucking complicated for them to understand. Fuck it! I just want to fucking say fuck everything, fuck you, fuck me, fuck this whole fucking world, and slip into another depression but I fight that too. Fuck it I'm done for now!

Sex and other stuff

First off I'd like to apologize to Dan, Uncle Tom, and Zef if you read this. You guys are the last readers of mine that I can spot, a couple come up occasionally but I can't tell who they are or where they are. So if your a stalker and read this please leave me a comment. And if your a dude you may not want to continue...lol. I have decided I am not telling anyone about this blog anymore. People who stumble on it will stumble on it and hopefully tell me what they think. I like the idea of sharing this with people, just not too many people who know me too good. The few who do, I don't mind and please keep reading and leaving comments. So I have had a couple drinks tonight which is more than I have been drinking. I've mentioned before how I have an urge to just get fucked up!! I don't really know why, things haven't been that bad! I just can't understand. There are lots of thoughts running through my head lately. I kind of have a new steady sex, who is addicted and loves my cock, but it just isn't HB. When I kiss her, her lips are so small and I don't know how to explain it, not full and embracing. The sex isn't too bad, she is in great shape for having 2 kids and shit, she is skinny as hell and tight, I thought I'd split her in 2. But so far she just kinda lies there and I like to feel I don't know something. HB is a hard act to follow, seriously. I put all my bets on her and I felt so much for her, that anyone else I just feel guarded against. I feel no one is as good. And when I started thinking about it, I actually have no clue how many people I have slept with. Seriously, I can't name or number how many people I had sex with between my ex wife and HB, I know 3 for sure but the rest is a drunken blur. It kinda sucks. I feel like a douche. I know I am a nice guy but that time of my life was a mess, and I feel that the next girl I am ready to settle down with asks how many people I have been with I will feel like a dick because I can't give an exact number or names or anything. The one I am with now has hinted around to asking and shit. One of the main things is I feel really bad to comparing her or anyone in general that I talk to to HB. I'm still not positive about her, why should I compare people to her. I am still confused to what all was fake and real with her. Everything seemed so real and great and then just all went to hell, we had some tough times but I didn't expect it to go as bad as it did. Now she won't talk to me and shit, makes me wonder you know. Maybe it was all bullshit. I was just occupying her time while she was stuck in Maryland. It really fucks with my head, well like most things. I believed everything until she dropped me like a bad habit for the crappy comment and shit. Then I just kinda think about how it all could have been bullshit. How I am so fuckin Gullible, to believe that she had feelings for me and everything else. Or that how she could just drop the feelings like she did. I can understand moving on but not really the way she did. She planned everything before she even talked to me and that is fucked up. I don't want to go though that drunken, sex phase again where I can't remember all that happened. My ex-wife has been causing drama and shit. Last night my friend was over with her 2 girls, the kids were playing good and shit then the XW calls up bitching that she didn't know these people and there are weirdos here and shit. I bite my lip for a while literally but she kept pressing so I went off on her family and pissed her off, she threatened to come get our son, Then we started yelling, then we talked and then she apologized. It was nuts. I hate that bitch and her family but I have been good on keeping quiet about everything. She should know better than to start shit with me. I am a nice guy until provoked then I can be brutal! Well I can't think of much else to say for now, may be back later after a few more...lol!

Just an Update

So I think my last post was about the temptations of alcohol. Well I did end up getting a bottle of Beam, but I have controlled drinking it. I make me a drink every once in a while. I have been quite obsessed with getting my tattoo, anyone who has a couple may kind of understand. It is addicting as well, I must just have an addicting personality, I seem to get addicted to everything, drinking, smoking, concerts, tattoos, watching tv, sex, certain people, and probably more. But it is good, I had my third session yesterday, it was just coloring but my shoulder is quite sore, more than it has been the other 2 times, I probably have 2 more until its finished but I may only have the money for one more, its been costing 100 a pop so.... I'm sure I will come up with the money even if I end up broke! It is therapeutic, the pain feels good and I just sit there for a couple hours talking with a cool dude about shit and when we don't talk my mind sorts through different problems. I am just excited to about how its all coming together on my arm and looking fucking awesome as hell. Since I haven't put a pic up and the people who see it on myspace probably can't figure it out, I had a 4 leaf clover on my shoulder, I surrounded it with flames, put a ca deuce(medical symbol) underneath it and at my elbow is kind of a make shift Pandora's box( it doesn't quite look like a box like I wanted but it fits great and works a lot better) It has a couple heart shaped symbols in it and coming out of it are different emotions: Anger, hope, love, sadness, Hate, Pride, desire, happiness, fear. Then hopefully the last session will be Homer and bart simpson on the inside of my arm to symbolize me and my son. The guy doing it seems to keep putting this off for last cuz he knows its gonna be pretty difficult and painful.

Aside from that I have made a new friend, it has been quite interesting, we made it clear that we were just gonna be friends with benefits because I don't want a relationship and she said the same but I think she is starting to have feelings for me. Its kinda funny, I figured I would be the one to start getting attached but I just kind of feel like a cold asshole. It hasn't gotten to bad though, we'll see what happens with that. She is really cool, and pretty hot, really skinny though, its bad when I think I am gonna break someone in half, I am pretty skinny. But yeah theres that.

HB won't talk to me anymore cuz she called and said she was missing movies and kept asking if I was sure I didn't have her girly movies, I said no. She eventually found them and apologized. Then she said sorry for being a cunt, all I did was jokingly say I was used to it and she hung up won't return my calls and kicked me off her myspace and everything else. Hell we joked alot worse than that before, I apologized several times if it did offend her, but I think she just wanted an excuse to end all contact and I gave it to her since all bills are paid and we got our money. It would have been easier to just say something like hey I think it would be better for me for us not to talk or something instead of trying to make me feel like it is all my fault when it isn't but whatever. We can't all be perfect.

Here's the lyrics from a son on Silversteins new album which I LOVE!! What else is new, they are awesome!

Silverstein- Worlds Apart

Lying all alone, wishing you would call.
Writing all my thoughts has broken all my bones.
You gave it all up, you threw it all away.
There's nothing I can do.

What do I think of dying?
You know it's even worse than what's in my head.
You don't believe me when I tell you,
I don't want to be a fraud and pretend that everything's fine.
I won't be here when you get home.
I'm not gonna sit here and die.

I'll follow through again this time.
I'll swallow swords
I'll be just fine.

You read me like a book.
You know I'm running out of legs to stand on.
I won't believe you when you tell me.
These old habits die so hard.
There's not intervention in sight.
There's no point in calling you.
I'm just gonna stand here and fight.

I'll follow through again this time.
I'll swallow swords, spit out my pride.
I'll be just fine.
You fill my head with endless lies.
You're killing me, I'm killing time.
I'll be just fine.

So, maybe one day the pain will go away,
And I will see your face,
I won't even care.
Changing all the locks 'cause I can't change you.

Temptation

SO I have been facing some temptations lately. As I have stated I have quit smoking, that was actually easy. I sometimes want one but it really isn't that bad. I have been getting my arm covered with tattoos, I don't want to stop, I want to keep going, but I am running out of money and really need to find a job. But the greatest temptation is actually Jim Beam. I have done really good on not drinking, only drinking beer when I am at a party or something. Last weekend I went to a "club" (well place where they play music and you can dance, not really much of a club though) and in my attempt to get the courage to dance a friend got us yager bombs and the Beam and cokes. It was almost like Frank the Tank in old school, "just once it hit your lips!" and I really wanted to go get more and since I want to go get a bottle, the shits like crack to me! I have been keeping myself out of depression though I have been feeling a little blue with the money situation, and some other things but I wouldn't think I was to the point I have been before where I need to drown myself in a bottle. Obviously we all get to the point once in a while where we want to just go out and get fucked up and fucked. But I don't know I just feel like I need to get some. I don't understand, but I am not giving in. Everything lately has been about me not giving in to the temptations I feel, well except for sex, but whatever. Now I just need to get better at not putting everything off, like finding a job!!! Well I am off back to the tattoo studio, I am posting as we go pics on my myspace, I will post the final pics here whenever we get finished!

Breaking the Habit

So I had my last cigarette yesterday, it has been over 24 hours. I am not really as bad as I thought I would be. I have been chewing gum and mints to keep myself busy. I've had small cravings but the main thing is just the habit. I have been breaking lots of habits lately, I guess I might as well hit them all as fast as possible. Stop smoking, don't drink as much, don't give my heart away, get in shape, remain active, don't mope around and be lazy and depressed. Hopefully I will be getting my security deposit back this week in which I will use a portion to get a half sleeve tattoo, and perhaps buy a better digital camera since mine sucks ass. I need to turn in my applications to see if I can be a Waiter or bartender, which isn't glamorous but will help me get more social skills and be enough to help pay my bills. Then this fall I will start college, I will actually be sitting in a classroom and everything and be a real college student, like in Van Wilder!! I wish. I will be getting an EMS certification and then maybe go for RN or something that will make some more money. I loved working with Radiation because I could be lazy as shit and make good money but I think I need more of a sense of accomplishment now, I want to help people. Many people have helped me alot on my journey thus far though life, I want to help others. I kind want to do the psychiatrist thing, maybe I can be a nurse or something there and help restrain crazy people, who knows. I've got limited plans at the moment and just trying to stay in the moment, with small plans so I won't be too upset when they change. I am sore as hell, I went away for the weekend with an old friend and his friends. Did some drinking but I wasn't alone and it wasn't too much, and we did some tubing and just had fun, it was a great weekend. It was a nice break and getaway. Things have been getting pretty monotonous, hopefully a job or something will help. Well I guess that is all for now, no one reads anymore anyway except Uncle Tom and Dan, thanks guys for continuing to offer advise and such!!

The set up

So far Ohio hasn't been to bad but as I said before at least I have more distractions and people to talk to than my last days in Maryland. It's been over a week and last night was the first night I got to sleep in my new place. Amuzingly its not as quiet here as it was in Maryland. I have new scars covering my body. I have been constantly working on the apartment to keep myself occupied busting my knuckles all along the way. I electrocuted myself the other day installing ceiling fans even though there was no power to the lines, I have no clue how that happened, I've stabbed myself with broken lightbulbs, I burnt my back working on the roof, I just keep moving. Until last night Friday night here alone, I sat on my chair next to the window listening to the sounds around me, sweating my ass off from not having an air conditioner in the living room only in the bedrrom. I sat and took turns reading my book, playing my guitar, and just watching tv. It was a little lonely but it was also a little conforting. I can sit here with my body sore and my mind clear and just be. But as soon as I get in bed no matter how tired I am, I just toss and turn and still can't get to sleep. My mind is still aching and still toiling over the events that put me here and now. Tonight me and my parents are going gambling in Indiana, my mom made a comment thatr she got me my own room if I wanted someone to go with me, I said I have no one to go with. She said she felt bad that I am stuck hanging out with them, I just smiled and said at least I have you guys. I've forgotten how important my family is. My parents don't have much money yet they have probably spent at least a thousand dollars repairing this old apartment for me. My dad has been getting up at 5am and working til 730 or 8 then before eating would come upstairs and keep working on the plumming or whatever still needed to be done. Its actually bringing tears to my eyes right now. After losing someone I love, I forgot about the others who love me even more than I could realize. My time I have been spending with my son has been good we only had one fight about him eating lettuce and tomato. Though I was very irritaed and he was throwing a fit like I was trying to kill him I could only laugh at the silliness of it all. I have yet to see any of my friends here nor make new ones, I still haven't even attempted to find a job, I am quickly running out of money, but it doesn't seem to bother me much. Suprisingly it is a little different than before. It's not the "I don't give a fuck" attitude that has brought me to depression many times before, It's more of a " I don't need to worry myself, everything will work out" attitude that I so needed at many points in my life. The apartment is finished, now its time to work on me, my body, my mind, my carrer, my relationship with my family and my son. I need to learn how to not let my past failures haunt my dreams.

Season Finale

With all the season finales on tv I can't help but think of this being my season finale. One chapter closing and wondering what is going to happen next season. This really probably will be my last post for a while, today is my last day at work, they will be picking up my stuff including my computer tomorrow. Just like watching them on tv I feel a mix of emotions, how could it end like this, why are there still so many questions left open, kind of angry, kind of sad, kind of excited. I am hopeful. I will continue to work on myself and my relationship with my son. I do feel alot better, I don't know if its the books I've been reading, the meditation tapes I've been listening to while falling asleep, or the fact that I have been working out again, harder than before. I will get the body I want this summer or die trying. Seriously, I will not be working, I will just be playing with my son, there is a weight bench in my parents basement, I can have some time everyday to actually work out and I will make sure I do it! I have to look good, it will help me feel better about myself, it will help keep my mind busy, it will make a difference. With that I will also try to quit smoking or at least cut back dramatically at first. I know that with the stresses of moving it may take me a while but that is next on the list. So I guess this is it for now. See you next season!

Funny shit

So I usually sit down and eat and play on addictinggames.com during my lunch break well today they had this "game" whack your soul mate. For the guy I think the best is a toss up between the computer and airplane, the funniest of all is defianetly the fist, but thats the girls.

Whack Your Soul Mate

Apparently the pic and stuff doesn't work but click the link and play with it, it's hilarious!

My newest addiction

Obviously I mentioned before reading a couple self help books well I think I am getting addicted to them. They are really interesting and helpful to me. Plus reading helps distract me and helps pass the time. I mentioned to HB today that she was lucky she had friends here, she accused me of trying to make her feel guilty. I have never tried intentionally to make her feel guilty. It just really sucks right now. I really don't have any friends here other than her. Uncle Tom is here for a little while but he is busy trying to see everyone and spend time with his wife he hasn't been with for a while before they move to England. I have just been really bored and lonely. I feel bad for asking her if I can go with her when she goes to see friends, she invited me to dinner a couple days ago, that was nice but I just want to get out of the house and it doesn't help to get out by myself. Its not like I can go to a bar or club, I don't know how to dance and I don't want to drink and I would just end up sitting by myself and feeling worse. Then again maybe she feels awkward with me just being around. I have done good and stopped trying to kiss her or telling her I love her, that doesn't mean I don't still want to but I have finally managed to stop because I knew that she didn't like it. The books and everything has helped me from telling myself that it's the end of the world. It hurts and will hurt but I will keep going. The other day I actually went for a run around the block just to get out, anyone who knows me knows I hate running but I may try to start every once in a while, it was kind of relaxing. Last night I went for a walk in the rain, it has been a long time since I've done that, it was a little colder than I would have liked but I went to the park and sat on the swings remembered funner times when we would play at the park, it was so quiet and peaceful. I liked it. But I am just trying to find things to keep me busy so I don't sit around and make myself depressed since I don't have friends here. I walked down to best buy and the grocery store earlier, it helped kill an hour. Well maybe there's something on tv now...

Pain...why...

Last night Uncle Tom, Canowine, and myself went to a show in DC, it wasn't as great as the other shows we've been to but it was nice for all of us to hang out again. Maybe I'll post about the concert laster, I don't feel like it right now. I just need to do something so I figured why not type. I am just too depressed, I am fucking lonely, even when they were here it was a nice distraction and I enjoyed the time but my mind is still always elsewhere. This is too hard. Tomorrow HB is taking her kid back to Texas, so I will never see him again. I know that my relationship with him was pretty bad and the main reason that HB and I aren't together but I still love him. I have watched him grow, seen him learn, and I'm really gonna miss him as much as HB. I guess I just can't appreciate things until they are gone. Not only am I losing a woman that I love, and my best friend, but I am losing a child that I have grown attached to, which is something that HB feared would happen from the start. But here I sit and the urge to drink is definately there but I just keep drinking water instead and smoking a lot. I know smoking is probably just as bad but whatever, I may try to quit eventually, I have too many problems to tackle them all at once. I truely don't know what to do. And for some reason I torture myself thinking about how HB will have no problem distracting herself from the thought of me when she leaves. Guys stare and hit on her where ever she goes. She will be able to find a guy in a day to go out with or just hook up with to help forget about me. And I can't even approach anyone to ask for a phone number or whatever, not that I am really too interested in trying to find a relationship again but I need something to distract me, something to not feel this lonely. Maybe thats why I kept asking her to consider this a break instead of a break up because I know she will move on and I will be stuck only thinking of her. I try so hard not to, I really do but my mind goes back to her and I try to think of something else and it always goes back. Especially when I try to fall asleep. It kinda makes me think of Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind, is it really better to have loved and lost. Right now I really can't decide, I loved the time we spent together and the great memories but this pain is almost unbearable. If only there was a magic button or something to stop it. Numbness or pain, why can't I just feel content, why can't I just live in the right now. Why why why why, so many why questions that no one can answer.

Call it Karma

I have been siting and looking back and analyzing the past again like I usually do when my life goes bad. It really sucks, but I should have known. As I have said thousands of times forever doesn't exist. The talk about forever or even a lifetime is always just talk. Yet I always fall for the line. I mean what I say, I always have, I am not a guy to say something to just get what I want, all I really have is my word and I do everything possible to keep it. But I have to learn not to rely on others to keep theirs. I know I have things about myself that are a problem as I have stated on here. Drinking is the biggest I feel. It is my scapegoat, Hell since all this has been going down I thats all I really want to do. For the most part I think why the hell not, who really gives a shit. But it is I who needs to give a shit. I need to learn to respect myself and my body and not poison it just to feel slightly better for a little while. I can't hide from my problems. Luckily when I go back I will have my son to help keep me sober because if not it would just become like when I lived in the barracks, alone, bored and lonely, reasons to get drunk. I am trying not to be so pessimistic about the rest of my life but it is just hard. Its hard to live a good life back there, there isn't much money, there isn't much to do, and there just isn't enough people to meet. I know that life goes on, I will meet someone new and whatever. I have to keep myself open though or else it will just be like here where my friends leave and I do nothing to make new ones and am left alone. Always alone, with reason, so I don't feel the pain that I have been feeling. Why do I open my heart and give it away so freely. Who knows. I have been doing good about the anger. I haven't really got upset lately, by not worrying about other people being assholes. I've been just trying to only worry about me. I need to learn to be selfish, its just harder than I thought. I care to much about other people. I know I've posted these lyrics before but I love the song and it is pretty fitting as usual, it should become the theme song of my life! I don't just mean with HB or anyone in particular it my whole life, friends, work everything that I get comfortable with and seek that routine for security and comfort is always shaken up or taken and I crash and burn. Then I am forced to rebuild myself all over again and become more sinister and angry at life. I need to learn not to rely on the world or people around me to be me.

Silverstein- "Call It Karma"

Blame it on the weather, but I'm a mess
And this February darkness has me hating everyone
And I know I need your comfort, but this drama makes me sick
And the longer I lay here I know it's harder to get up
without you

Lose another day here
Lose another year here
I'm with you

Find me something out there that's making sense
And it's just another trend carefully hidden in your dress
And the cycles neverending and the fashions overdone
And the further that I run away, the further I'll come back
to shelter...

You are the fire on my apartment floor
Sixteen stories, I'd rather burn than fall
It isn't fate that took us all by storm,
It's just the turn of a card

Goodbye, old friend
Goodbye, goodnight
I'll move on
You'll call it fate, I'll call it karma
We had our time, it was fun
while it lasted

I'll look back with honor
and no regrets
I won't be mad, won't feel bad
These memories will never leave me
Don't be sad
cause life goes on, life goes on
It's getting too late
Tomorrow is here

New Apartment

So while I was home I got to see the apartment I'll be living in when I move back home. I don't read my own blog so I forget if I mentioned my parents live in/own a duplex. I will be living in the apartment upstairs. It is bigger and kinda nicer than the one I was living in when I met HB. It is a fixer upper. There were leaks from the roof, it had been empty for over a year and my parents never went up there. So there was mold, they are cleaning it, there are water spots on the ceiling that I will need to paint eventually. There were nails all over the walls. I don't mean like they had a lot of pictures, I mean big long nails covering a couple walls. The ones in the kitchen dad said they hung their pots on. In the living room there was a picture of Jesus that I said was coming down. Mom got upset with me and asked why, I told her I was atheist, apparently I have never mentioned this to them. She told me that I wasn't. I laughed, they probably can't remember the last time they ever went to church and they are gonna try to tell me my beliefs. But that was about the end of that conversation. I think I can make the place look pretty nice, it is only a one bedroom so I will have to share with my son, but I usually did when I was back there anyway, it just sucks cause he makes funny sounds when he sleeps and it annoys me and keeps me awake. The only good thing is I really don't have to pay rent but I know my parents need extra money so I will probably give what I can until I find a job. I still have no clue what I am going to or even what I want to do, the strategy is to send my resume and fill out applications online for state jobs that interest me and the first one to hire me is what I'll do. I just want some good money and benefits. If I don't like the job I'll work until I find another one. I do want to go back to school but it is kinda pointless when if I go for my radiation stuff, even with a degree I probably won't find a job doing it close to there. So who knows, if I find something I like I may go to school for it. But besides that nothing new so far, just going day by day. Hopefully Uncle Tom will come over and hang out sometime in the next week and Canowine might come down for a show or something, one last horrah I guess. Well hope everyone has a good weekend, we may go down and see the joint service air show at Andrews, it sounded pretty cool, I never saw one.

Thank You and Happy Birthday (tomorrow)

At first I was angry, then i was sad, but truth be told I was scared about a lot of things before you broke up with me. I have complained about the fact that my dad never really had fatherly talks with me, my dad hardly played with me. Every once in a while we would play basketball or throw a baseball around but he worked long hours most of the time and we never had a chance to do those fun things. Since deciding to move to Texas I just kept telling myself that if I didn't follow my heart then I would blame my son for it. If I was happy he would be happy. I'd still get to see him during the summers. But that isn't fair to him. It isn't fair to you and your son. I think a lot of my anger towards your son had to do with control, I felt like I should have control, I am the dominate male or whatever. Which of course shouldn't be the way to act around a child, but I think also I was mad just because it wasn't my son. I do love him but he just wasn't mine. God I feel like there are so many things to thank you for. You've helped me realize that this anger isn't normal, that I don't need to be this way. Hell just from reading 2 books and being aware of it, I feel tons better. Though I will still go to some classes just to be sure and get an expert opinion. You have become my best friend, I confided pretty much all of my secrets that I know of to you. I loved when we would just lie in bed and talk about whatever. Because of losing you I've realized that my alcohol problem is a little more than I thought and that it isn't a proper way to solve any problems. I shouldn't try to numb myself to whatever I feel, just feel it and accept it and let it pass. I have learned that not all break ups have to be so brutal. You taught me a love that I never knew existed. You gave me so many wonderful memories. You've given me self-confidence, how could I not being with such a hottie! I've learned that not all compliments are sarcastic or have a hidden meaning, even though we would "argue" about it. I learned to open myself up completely to another, something I have never really done. I learned that flaws can be comical, such as my IBS. I've learned it's ok to tell someone what you are tuely thinking. You are a wonderful person, you deserve to be treated well, you deserve to be pampered. You shouldn't get down on yourself, you should know how hot you are even if it is annoying the way guys stare and follow you. Those guys don't even deserve your attention. Have high hopes, set your standards high, you deserve it. And thank you for coming into my life, you have changed it all for the better. I am glad to have been privileged enough to know you and especially grateful to have earned your love. Happy birthday HB! I know this year isn't as good as last when you got to meet Jared Leto, but i still hope you have fun and a good time!

Well lets start with one issue and go from there. One week ago today I posted about how this break up with HB was similar to death. I still somewhat believe that, it is the death of a relationship, though hopefully it will continue to be a friendship. At the end of the post and stages of death is acceptance. I said yeah right I wouldn't accept this. Why would I say that. I thought this was a great injustice. This was someone I really cared about with all my soul. But in reality I have already come to accept it. There are things that are really hard with us living together still but I have accepted that things will be slightly difficult. We do still care about each other, we are still attracted to each other, we still have needs as humans, and we still have habits that we are so used to. One main thing is that I still want to kiss her. She says its awkward since we are not "dating" anymore. But why should we deprive ourselves of things we like, when its not really wrong or harming anyone. We aren't dating other people, it isn't going to change the fact that we aren't dating or that we will be living so far away. I understand about trying not to confuse me or herself but there isn't much to confuse, its not going to change anything. Yes I am still sad and scared, but I now understand that it's ok to feel that way but not to let it inhibit me from anything. Definately don't let it make me drown myself in alcohol. It does suck, but it has also helped me along with my book to realize, that I need to go back and be with my son. I try to talk to her but I usually end up sounding like a broken record. Hell I can barely remember what I've posted on here and my thought all feel like I've already typed them before. My mind has been thinking through everything lately. Analyzing and forgiving most of my actions. We are all human, we make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes and move on. Sorry I'm tired and lost track. Hope everyone has a good week. I have to drive back to Ohio this week, my son is having his first school play, I can't miss it.

Let go

I never seem to let go of anything. I keep everything inside as reminders. HB usually uses the term she may forgive but she'll never forget, and I am the same way. I assume because one person ended up doing something to me in the past that they will always be that way. Which usually isn't to bad of an assumption except that if you don't express yourself to the person that hurt you they might not realize it. They may not have done it on pourpose. I certainly never meant to hurt her or her son but I have. Should I be forgivin for it, maybe, I wasn't trying to be an ass. Should I continue to punish myself for the things I've said and done, No. People do and say things, that part can't be changed. But thankfully the problem has been brought to my attention and because they both mean so much to me, it helped me realize that it is an ongoing problem that I need to recongnize myself. Beating myself up about won't change the situation nor make me a better person for it. If anything all it will do is make me worse off just like everything before. I have come to many realizations over the past couple years and I have changed myself to be a better person but that still doesn't make me the best person I can be. I have always considered myself an asshole, a freak, a loner. But why. Truely I am a very nice guy. I tried my best to treat HB the way she deserved, like a queen on a pedestal. Now that is far from being an asshole. I would do anything for any of my friends, even those who I may not consider my best buds. I have helped many frinds move and do whatever I could to help even friends of friends. But I still constantly put myself down and thought that because I saw myself in such a bad way everyone else must see me as worthless too. Thus the times where I really needed help I wasn't able to ask for it. Why should people help me? Why did I give up as my friends left the area, why didn't I go out and meet new friends. Well probably because I am afraid of making new friends, I am afraid that everyone sees me the way I see me. This is a very bad way to be. How can I build self confidence if I never try anything. I have blamed God, karma, said the world is against me, because I have a distorted view of the reality around me. All I see are the bad parts of life that I've held onto since they happened. I let a driver cutting me off on the way to work or home ruin the rest of my day because I sit on the anger. Instead of letting go of it. Did it really do anything to me. I wasn't hurt, there wasn't an accident. Maybe they didn't see me, shit happens. I hate to keep bringing up deaths but we do all eventually die. Life is a series of moments, why should any of us keep focusing on the bad ones. Why can't we just let the bad happen, move on and try to make happier times. Why do I keep focusing on the fact that HB and I are over instead of being happy that I met someone as great as her. Be happy that she brought me to the point I am at now. How she made me feel the love that I feel, the happiness I felt. Remember the great times that we shared. It feels like the end of the world but it is not. She will continue to hold a place in my heart. Hopefully we can remain good friends. I have tried to expreass my feelings with her during the relationship but now I realize that I need to express my feelings with everyone about everything instead of just getting mad and storing it for later. I need to stop worrying that me expressing my feelings are being a wuss or not macho. I've never really been that macho to begin with so why use that as an excuse. If people don't like the way I am or how I feel then they don't really need to be around me. And no one is to blame some people just don't mesh together, life still goes on. But at least I won't keep worrying about other people perception.

I'm Angry

Well if any of my older readers saw this title they would probably wonder what else was new. I am always angry. I have anger problems. I bought a book today, Beyond Anger, A Guide for Men. Now I am a pretty slow reader and have only read 1/4 of it so far but am pretty confident that I will finish it probably by tomorrow. I have been researching things that have caused me to well be the person I am today. Its not that I have had a bad life but here I sit, alone. I never had many friends, even fewer true friends. I have had fun but it was usually short lived. Here I sit reading this book that is describing my life. It talks about the different degrees of anger and rage that I have felt since I could remember. How and why I always keep everything bottled up and keep people out. Over the years I have gotten better but am still not to where I need to be to live a happy life. I am reluctant to talk let alone post about many parts of my life but for the sake ok gettin it out of me I will post it now.

I don't remember much of my childhood being a small child. I mostly remember getting in trouble for stealing things from family members, kind of a bad thing to be my earliest memory. My parents fought a lot. The would scream and throw things and my mom would get me out of bed at night and take me to her friends house where we would sleep on many occasions. When I would get in trouble for things I would get spanked which I still think wasn't all that bad, most of what I can remember was deserved and not really excessive. I've always claimed to be neglected, but maybe that wasn't actually the case. Perhaps they just never really asked me how I felt about things and since they never asked I didn't want to burden them with my problems since they had enough on their own. I learned to bottle up everything and just let it be instead of expressing my hurt, anger, depression, or whatever. Because I carried all these emotions around with me I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around. I had 2 or 3 friends. Then if any girl showed any interest in me, I'd go into overkill mode and talk about being together forever when I'm 10 or however old I was. Then scare them off. Then be depressed because I can't measure up to anyones expectations. I would get full of rage. I remember my first kiss. I remember I started calling her everyday, this was like 4th or 5th grade. She told me to stop calling. I went out and boxed a thorn bush and a water tank thing. Another girl, another boxing match with an inatimate object. I never talked to anyone about any of it, not even my couple friends. I'd just hold it until it slowly faded into the background. As I got older I realized drugs were an easy escape from the pain and reality. Then I have a baby and stop doing the drugs. With baby momma though the rage between us was BAD, it was just like what I watched with my mom and dad as a kid. We would scream and throw things. I am pretty sure I never told a soul but I used to be so angry at my son as a baby. He costed money, I had to work crappy jobs to try to support my family, he took away my dreams. I remember once he just kept crying, wouldn't stop and I shove the pacifier in his mouth so hard it cut his gums. I was just so furious. Then I ended up joining the military. A year away, time to think, time for myself to continue to punish myself for acts such as that. Thinking everyday he is gonna remember that day. Then family finally gets to move here with me. Things were ok for a little while but then everything went back to fighting. When my son would act up or not listen I would spank him excessively, a couple time leaving welts on his but for about a week. I am crying now while typing this but I must get rid of this burden... I even choked him once because he wouldn't stop crying. He was only 2 or 3. How could I do this to my own child. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't on anything but was just furious, nothing was going my way and I just did it. I still can't believe it, I have blocked it out since that day. I had to lock myself in the bathroom for about an hour because I feared for his safety. I didn't even realize that I was doing it. His mom wasn't there, no one ever knew. When she finally left me, thats when the drinking really started. It numbed the pain. Not so much the pain of losing her, but the pain of losing my son. Even though I couldn't stand being around him much I wanted to learn to be better. And I did a little. I have not spanked him since they left. I try my best to watch the verbal attacks to. With me being this way to my own son how could I expect to deal with someone elses kid. I met HB a couple years later. I was a different person or so I thought. My anger has gotten better over the years since then. I am not a violent person. With her I tried to do everything in my power to be completely open, honest, and talk about my feelings with her unlike what I did with my ex. I wanted everyones feelings to be out and free of resentment. Everything was great even with her son there. When he went to his dads, we had my son for a little bit and some anger issues arouse which I did post about. I talked to HB about them a bit and tried to keep from carrying the burden. Then we had time alone, no kids, just us running around loving each other. I felt so free and happy. Then her son came back. He was a little older and a little mouthier. I tried to talk to HB about how I flet but she felt like I was attacking her child. So I stopped talking about it. The burden was back inside. I started yelling at him. She would get mad at me. I would get angry with her for being mad at me. Instead of talking about it, it just kept building until she had to choose her son. Which I don't resent in any way. I completely understand. But I know the relationship ended because of this anger, that I never really leaned how to express other than yelling and throwing things. Then when I did tried to talk about it, my opinion and feelings were resented so I reverted back to keeping them inside instead of just finding another outlet to point these feeling to get them out.

I am getting help, I am reading, researching, finding out how to get anger management classes and therapy when I go back to Ohio. I just with I could salvage HB and I's relationship. I will keep trying in hopes that she will want to. She says she can't force me to change, but I want to change, look at what I've done, and this is only the bad stuff there are many smaller things. I've just been afraid to get help. If I tell anyone what I did to my son they would take him away from me. If I talked to people in the military I would be kicked out or something bad would happen to me. But the truth is because I didn't seek help I only made things worse. Those "punishments" would have gotten me the help I needed and then things would have gotten better for me and my relationship with my son and eventually my relationship with HB. Last time I was in Ohio I had a talk with my parents about me being the bad guy with my son. I told them I am tired of it, her trying to get me mad so I yell at him on the phone for him to listen and act right. I am done. And now I will be getting the help to keep me from breaking that promise.

To be continued....

Stages of Death

I don't want a pity party, I just want to write.

It feels like a doctor just told me I only have a couple weeks to live. I have a brain tumor or something that will be sure to end my days the begining of June. stage 1 Denial, this only lasted a few seonds, I knew it was true. But maybe I heard wrong. Nope. Stage 2 Anger. I have always been a pretty angry person. I do probably need anger managment classes and to sit and take them seriously. I wanted to smash everything, but thankfully over years of doing that I realized it doesn't help. I feel good for those couple of minutes and then spend hours cleaning up my mess and then having to buy new stuff, not worth it. But my damn hair in my face collecting my tears and snot as it ran out, that I can get rid of. I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the front of my hair off. Then I went up and got the clipper. They weren't working right and the attachment fell off and I got a bald spot so then I continued to shave my head. My favotie Homer glass did fall of the stand while I was drinking, that upset me. I really liked the glass and didn't want to break it but shit happens. Stage 3 Barganing. I was upset at first and tried to just ignore it. But in thinking all of this time. I can't take this lying down. I have to try, but with so little time there is no way to change before then. All I can do is promise that I can get the help I need. If there is that small chance to stay together. This is something that means a lot to me, it is something I have to at least try to save. I can't just let it go. Stage 4 Depression, this step pretty much started upon hearing the news. I can't eat, I only slept this weekend because I was drunk as shit. But I wasn't drunk last night so I cried myself to sleep. I can't remember the last time I did that, I was probably really young. With my Ex wife, yeah I was hurt and sad but we didn't get along, I knew it was for the better, the only real reason I was with her was for the kid. But this time I truely believe we are meant for each other, if I only I'd gotten help sooner instead of putting it off. Sorry to lose my analogy. I don't know if I will ever get past this stage. I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine kissing or touching another woman. I don't want another woman, I want her. I don't want to imagine my life without her in it. I can't! Stage 5 Acceptance, yeah we'll see if I ever get to that stage.

Perhaps my last post

I may come up with a few things but doubt it will be anything worth reading. SO HB and I have to call it quits. I may go into it but don't think she would want me to, lets just say our parenting styles conflict and it is better for her kid if I am not around. So sometime at the begining of next month I will go back to Ohio and she will go on to Texas. I should have known better than to dream of a life outside of Ohio. I will go back and work a crappy job and be stuck barely getting by just like I knew I was destined to. I will try to find a good job but it's probably not gonna happen. SO I changed my side bar to how long HB and I lasted. And I just shaved my head. I was getting tired of my long hair and my clipper attachments weren't workin so I ended up bald. I don't think I even got any pics of my hair but oh well. Off to get drunk as shit. Later all. 561 days HB was stuck with me. Happy cinco de mayo!

The Death of April

Thank Gawd today is the last day of April! The month that's supposed to be the start of spring and watching nature come back to life. The month that this year has brought death. Maybe its just because I have only had 2 people die that I knew so far in life but I have been really depressed lately. Being back in Ohio didn't really help. People are so stupid. My uncles girlfriend he was with when he died is trying to let my family change her last name to my uncles, they weren't married and my uncle as far as I knew didn't plan on getting married again. We think she wants to so she can try to claim money even though my uncle didn't have any. Something is definitely up with her. Quite a bit of my uncles things are gone and haven't been found. My grandma is giving away his clothes and stuff to family members, I got 2 hats since I am the only one who wears hats non stop. Then my great grandpa, now I mentioned in the last post how my fathers family is fucked up. I had the please of helping clear out his apartment and house since I am the oldest great grandkid. quite a bit of his money started missing a couple months ago, my uncle is in charge of the estate and everything is supposed to be divided between him, my dad, and aunt. So it is probably him. There was a paper that my grandpa wrote out of who he wanted to have certain things, that paper disappeared, probably because he liked my uncles ex wife more than him and she probably would have gotten some things he wanted. Going through his belongings my aunt kept saying "that might be worth something, I want it" greedy fucking bitch. She is also trying to keep his war scrapbook that he promised me. That I will have. I am the only one besides him who has served in the military, It is something that I want to pass down to my son who got the chance to meet his great great grandpa. My dad is pretty hot on this too, he said he will kick all their asses and if I can't have it no one will since his original will stated that it was to be donated to a museum. I just said I would find it in their house and take it. It just pissed me off how everyone wanted anything that may be worth money instead of things that had sentimental value. All I want is his scrap book, all my dad took was some of his old work shirts and some coveralls. Oh my dad did kinda steal his WWII compass and gave it to me. But only after he realized the scrapbook was gone. As stated in the last post my grandpa/ his son, didn't show up, I informed my mom to forget that they were related to me or my son. I did figure out the beef between them. My grandpa had great grandpa take out a $20,000 loan for him and refused to pay for it, he claimed it was a part of his inheritance. So obviously that pissed him off but he was willing to forgive but he didn't come up for his moms funeral so he said fuck him. It does help show me why my aunt and uncle act the way they do. My mom was pissed at the funeral, he had military honors and the flag was supposed to go to me if I was there and my younger cousin if I wasn't. Well the flag was presented to my uncle, who later gave the flag to my cousin who was supposed to get it. I don't mind that he got the flag, personally I would rather he got it, he was closer to him than I was. They used to go fishing all the time, I wasn't much of a fisher. But the flag should have been given directly to him, he's like 13 or something, he is able to be handed a flag. It's all just a bunch of horseshit. People in general piss me off but when it's my own family it just enrages me to a boiling point. And I'm sure this is only the beginning with everyone getting older.

I still can't get out of my slump. I haven't been able to sleep at night, I just lie there tossing and turning thinking of everything. It sucks.

April is the month of Death

SO my great grandpa dies yesterday. Obviously this isn't much of a surprise, he was 91. I've mentioned him several times on here so I am not going to do a big look back thing. He was truly a great man and I wish I could be a quarter of the man he was. Mom said she say him Saturday and he wasn't doing good, he couldn't sit up and couldn't really talk. He had been there and worse before and still overcame and came back better but this time must have been too much. My biggest complaint or perhaps even fear is if his son, my grandpa will even come to his funeral. He didn't come when his mom died so I kinda doubt he will. My grandpa used to be a good guy and probably still is but he is a tool. His wife, my step grandma, took him and moved to Arizona years ago leaving all of us, here and didn't really have anything to do with us. We last saw them when we drove out to San Diego when I was somewhere between 14-16. I tried talking to them a couple years back when I was in Connecticut, just trying to stay connected and let them know they had a great grandson and well just kinda hope that there were other circumstances for them not being around other than they didn't want to. Well we communicated through emails and phone calls for a couple months and then they moved to Georgia, no more phone calls no more emails no nothing. They didn't tell me much except they were moving and didn't give me any forwarding info, I thought maybe they would call or email me later when they got settled but nothing. He actually called my parents when I was back last time to wish them a Happy Easter but only left a message and with my uncle being dead they didn't really feel like calling them back. I severely doubt that they will come, him and my great grandpa had words after great grandma died but I am not sure what all was said, I don't know the cause of anything. I don't have a clue what I'd do or say if I did see them. All I know is that if they don't come they will all also be dead to me. They have never attempted to see their great grandson, or hell me, or even his 3 kids all they care about is their one son they had together. If they don't come I will get their number and call them to let them know that they no longer have a grandson or great grandson and I hope they are happy. Fuck them. Since I have been getting older I have been seeing how crappy my dads side of the family is. Great grandpa was the only kind one out of them aside from my dad and some cousins. My mom side of the family who I always thought was dysfunctional with people being in jail and people who do drugs are the closest and most caring, they would do anything for each other. Its just weird to look at it grown up than when you were a child and how delusional I was back then. My dads side of the family never once offered to help my with anything, never once just called and asked how I was or if I needed someone to watch my son. My moms side would give you their last 5 bucks to get gas for coming in, ask if I wanted to go out if they could watch my son and spend time with him. Almost every other Saturday night my uncle Don would call my parents to see if my son was over there and if they wanted him to come over so they could go up to the VFW like they usually do every Saturday night. Its just fucked up. Everything is always fucked up. I just wish I could get rich somehow and watch my dads family run to my side then so I can snub my nose at them like they have always done to my and my parents. Someday, someday Karma will come back to bite them.

So my thoughts have been all jumbled since I've got back from Ohio, I've thought about a couple posts but none have made it here. I've actually been pretty busy at work, we had an inspection the week I got back and the guy I work with was on vacation back in the Philippines so I had to do everything, it sucked ass. Then we have been catching up on all the stuff I didn't get done while he was gone since I was doing everything else. My usual "blah" mood has turned to depression and hate. It all started on my drive home from Ohio, I left right after the funeral so I could get some sleep to be at work the next day. On my drive home I was still crying on and off, so 3 hours at the funeral then 3 hours of driving and then it happened. A retarded driver flys up behind me flashing his brights because I was stuck behind some slow moving cars, they moved and I flew off from the car. A little later some more slow cars and the same guy came up flashing his brights again, this goes on for about an hour finally I slam on my brakes and start going 30 in a 55 then speed off, same thing happens, so I get behind the car and start flashing my brights they hit their brakes slow to about 30, I stay behind them, they speed up to 100 I speed up and get behind them and keep flashing my lights, they slow down, we keep doing this for about 30 minutes. I was emotional and thinking of ways to follow them until they stop and how I could kill them and get away with it. Then they speed up to get back up to 100 and a cop pulled off from a hiding spot on the side of the road and nearly sideswiped me and pulled them over. I felt justice was served, I did think about calling the cops but their license plate was in the rear window and the window was tinted so I couldn't make out the plate numbers to turn them in. But I did make it home safely, while it was still light out I saw the driver and he was probably early 30s guy, not some little dumbass or someone with his friends just an older guy alone. A Fucking retard.

On the drive I listened to "Wish you were here" by Pink Floyd a couple times and decided I would learn how to play it, I have its actually really easy it's only 4 chords besides the beginning with is easy too. Then we had the Virginia Tech massacre here the other day and that kind of sent me further over the edge. Then I read about the Westboro Baptist Church planning on protesting at the funerals. I've heard of people protesting the military funerals and was pissed about that but I thought they were just hippies I didn't know they were all Westboro Baptist Church. What a bunch of fucking retards I want to kill them all, fucking inbred rednecks, if they hate America so much move somewhere else. Its not that fucking hard, I wish they had a church around here, I would blow their fucking church up! It wouldn't be the first church I've seen set ablaze... Whoever kills Fred Phelps would be my hero and should get complete amnesty. If I didn't have a love and a son I would gladly sit in a federal prison for it.

But then I start to realize how much bullshit life is, you work to be a good person, lead a good life, work jobs you don't enjoy to save up money so you can have a "good" life, but for what, it can all be gone in a second. We have my uncle who lived a life partying then realized his mistakes and was trying to right them all, then he dies. We have all these college kids who were trying to get their education to be something in this world and its gone. All that money gone for nothing, they might as well have sat with their thumb at their ass and then went to class one day and died. What am I doing? What am I saving for? A house or vacation or anything else that I may not live to spend? I'm not saying I'm not fairly happy in my life. I should be happy, my life is much better than it was 2 years ago. I am in love, I have a plan for where I'm going. I may not have a job in a couple months but whatever, I am trying and talking with people. All I really want is to get fucked up, I want to get high, I want to trip balls, I wanna roll, I want to get drunk as fuck and puke my guts out. I want to forget how short life is. But instead I just live everyday exactly the same. I get up go to work, come home care to the animals, watch TV, eat, watch TV, go to bed, repeat every single fucking day. I am tired of it. I don't want to do anything except get fucked up. I don't know why.

VH1 You Outta Know Tour

SO Last night I went up to Baltimore to see this tour the only reason I went was for the opening act Rocco Deluca and the Burden. Unfortunately cameras weren't allowed or else I would have some kickass pics! You may have seen them on a documentary called I trust you to kill me where Keifer Sutherland is their tour manager and takes them around England. That is where I first saw them, hearing their raw emotions and the greatness of Roccos guitar playing I picked up their CD. I have been a fan since. They are great. It is kind of hard to describe their music, its bluesy, rock, soft rock, pop and well any other genre along those lines. They put on such a great show. Rocco is a guitar god! I had goose bumps for their entire performance, just the way you could see and feel the emotions he puts in singing and the way his guitar seems to be plugged right into your soul. Afterwards they were supposed to be hanging out and signing stuff, so I waited a bit and kept checking the merch booth then I saw them over by a table off from the stage so I bought another copy of their CD so I could have something for them to sign but by time I got back they were gone. I was bummed as hell. Eventually I saw an older lady come from back stage with a signed CD I asked her if she could get mine signed, she said she just kinda snuck back there and the guys were happy to sign it. She told me to do the same thing. I ordered a beer to work up some liquid courage and found my moment and snuck back stage like a little groupie, I walked into their dressing room where a stage hand was bringing them out food and stuff, I asked for their autograph while I nervously tried to explain that I had to buy another CD and that when I got back they were gone. The guys just kinda smiled and said sure, someone asked if they could eat first and I said yeah, sorry, then a stage hand asked for my pass or whose guest I was I said I didn't have one. They kicked me out but they said they were gonna come back out later.

The Feeling was the second band, I missed most of their performance doing all the above but they sounded pretty good. A little different. But I heard a couple of songs that will make me at least check out their CD. The only part that turned me down a bit was the bassist was all checking out the little girls in the front row and winking at them and stuff it was kinda creepy.

Mat Kearny Was the headliner again I missed most of his performance waiting to see if the band was gonna come back out, the drummer came out and then was followed by the percussionist who played the bongos and various small instruments. But all the girls seemed to love Mat, his music isn't really my cup of tea but sounded pretty good. So 2 of the guys from Rocco came out but I was waiting and hoping to catch them all together, finally Rocco came out I apologized for interrupting their meal and he said no problem and happily signed the CD and was just chatting with everyone who came up to him. I waited a little longer but lost track of where the other guys went so I only got Roccos but at least I got that and wasn't kicked out for going backstage. They will be playing a couple more shows in the area next month with Keane but it's already sold out. Definitely go pick up their album and then go see them, I guarantee you will not be disappointed! I will definitely see them any chance I get!!

To my uncle Don

Yesterday my mom called me to let me know my uncle Don died. I am/was set to go back tomorrow. It sucks I didn't at least get to see him before he went. We did hang out for a while last time I was back, I drove him up to the hospital and to my cousins. He was far from a good person. He did lots of drugs had been in and out of prison but he was still my uncle and would do anything for family. He was the youngest of 6 kids. He lived with his mom most the time the last few years. Luckily he apparently wasn't there when he died. He was staying with a girlfriend who came home from work and he wouldn't wake up. If he was at grandmas who knows how long he'd be there before they found out. He slept all the time. He had a bad messed up shoulder and back that prevented him from working. He used to watch me while I was little and would torure me once locking me in the closet for something stupid but over the years had matured and we would laugh about it. He used to tie my garfield to the fan just out of my reach to fuck with me. But since I've grown up we hung out a bit and were cool. After my split with my ex he told me he almost went after her cousin/baby daddy because he was pissed that she was with him so soon after we split. He said he would have got his ass kicked since the guy was a lot bigger than him but he would have stabbed him or something. He said that giggling but we both knew he was serious. He would go to jail for a family member no problem. He had god knows how many kids from who can guess how many mothers. Lately he reconnected with a daughter that is around 15, he was trying to make up for the lost years and be there for her and guide her. He always wanted to be sure that no one turned out like he did. He knew he was an addict and wouldn't be anything professional. But he tried to be a decent person. When my mother told me I was kind of in shock and didn't really cry until I told HB, I drowned myself in some Beam for him. I still can't really comprehend him being dead. You expect old people to die. I've been saying that I need to buy a suit for when my great grandpa dies because he's 90 I know he'll go soon I didn't think that my uncle who may have been barely 40 would go first. So much for celebrating my mom and dads 25th wedding anniversary this weekend. I'm sure we'll all be too busy mourning. I don't know what I'll do when/ if I see my grandma crying. I've never seen her cry, I lose it when I hear/see my mom crying. It's crazy. I am pretty sure it has something to do with drugs, he either OD'd or just the years of drugs tore his body down. He will be missed by those who loved him. He'd always make us laugh and was fun as hell to fuck with. Later Don.

Useless facts to keep you entertained since I am not!

Busy at work, going insane, heres some shit....

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears. never stop growing.

Alexander the Great made his troops eat onions as he believed it would prove their vitality.

In Albania, nodding your head means "no" and shaking your head means "yes."

On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

During World War II, condoms were used to cover rifle barrels from being damaged by salt water as the soldiers swam to shore.

The rarest coffee in the world is Kopi Luwak, which is found in Indonesia. It cost about $300 a pound.

In the United States, 8.5 million cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures were done in the year 2001.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar an England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada has the largest bar per capita than anywhere else in the world.

In 1477, the first diamond engagement ring was given to Mary of Burgundy by Archduke Maximillian of Austria.

On April 6, 1925, the first in-flight movie was shown. It was a silent film and appeared on a Deutsche Luft Hansa flight.

By law, information collected in a U.S. census must remain confidential for seventy-two years.

Actor Sylvester Stallone once had a job as a lion cage cleaner.

The 20th president of the United States, James Garfield, was able to write Greek with one hand and Latin with the other at the same time.

The average cocoon contains about 300-400 metres of silk.

Finland is also known as "the land of of the thousand lakes," because of the over 188,000 lakes found in this country.

The search engine Google got its name from the word "googol," which refers to the number one with a hundred zeros after it.

Wood frogs can be frozen solid and then thawed, and continue living. They use the glucose in their body to protect their vital organs while they are in a frozen state.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.

In the early nineteenth century some advertisements claimed that riding the carousel was good for the circulation of blood.

Approximately 60% of the water used by households during the summer is used for watering flowers, and lawns.

The word assassination was invented by William Shakespeare.

Approximately one out of every 55 women from Canada give birth in their car on the way to the hospital or clinic.

Lack of sleep can affect your immune system and reduce your ability to fight infections.

The most expensive animated movie is "Prince of Egypt", which cost $70 million to make.

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

The waste produced by one chicken in its lifetime can supply enough electricity to run a 100-watt bulb for five hours.

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The Greek Philospher Socrates was trained for stonecutting.

New Mexico's state bird is the roadrunner.

Most lipstick contains fish scales

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

In the United States, lightning hits the ground 40 million times a year.

Cashew nuts contain oil in the shell that is very irritating to the skin.

The Uape Indians, who live in the Amazon, mix the ashes of their recently cremated relatives with alcohol, then all members of the family drink the mix with fond memories of the deceased.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

The Kool Aid Man used to be known as "Pitcher Man" when he was first introduced in 1975.

There is a town called Fucking, in Austria.