Dead bodies and affairs...

I hate homework!! On the up side, I got to play with a dead body today. We had a cadaver lab for my EMT class, we got to play with some of the organs and stuff, it was a little freaky at first cuz the head was chopped off and sawed in half. But after poking it a bit and talking about it we all got pretty comfortable passing the heart around and digging into to play with the lungs and stuff. It was interesting, I haven't been around dead people since USU, where they were all across the hall from my office. But I am again procrastonating doing homework. I wrote one paper and should be starting on the 2 others I have to do that are do after spring break, which is next week. I guess I am weird(well duh) people are freaked out when I tell them I am going to Georgia alone for spring break. They ask why there? I said cuz its a warm beach, do you know anyone there? nope. Who's going with you? no one. Do you have reservations? Nope going to sleep on the beach or in my car. They just kinda look at me. My luck it is going to suck and be lonely and boring, but you know what, those are the exact feelings I will be feeling here, I might as well go on an adventure and hope maybe something will happen.
I think the EMT chick is having an emotional affair with me... We text all the time, everyday like hundreds of them. Yesterday she was asking why I am single, I am sexy and cool, and this and that. I said because women are blind!! Ans I am just shy and don't go out and meet anyone. I asked when she was gonna hook me up with someone as hot and cool as her. She starts telling me if her boyfriend doesn't start treating her better she's gonna leave him. And all this shit about him. Here's the thing, in general... people shouldn't be in relationships they are not happy in. Yes they have ups and downs but if in general you are not happy, end it, don't prolong the suffering. This is a mistake I made with the exwife, I was miserable liek the entire time pretty much. But I mean she shouldn't be putting herself or me in this situation. I've thought about it quite a bit because of our discussions. Her and I reguardless will never have a future because I think emotional cheating is just as bad as cheating. Hb and I got into an argument about it before, she called an old friend or someone sexy and this and/or that on a myspace comment and I happened to see it cuz he commented back and I clicked his profile to see who he was. Now granted it could have simply been a compliment, I have been called sexy a couple times just as, but that could just as easily be lusting for someone else(who is not a movie star you will probably never meet or see) and turn into an affair of some type. To me to lust about someone within ur reach is pretty much as bad as acting on it. WHile I was with her, I thought chicks were hot but I never thought "I'd like to fuck her" or make out with her or whatever. I don't know cheating is a big thing that I dispise with a passion!! To me there is a thing as emotional cheating and more than likely it will lead to physical cheating. I am not tooting my own horn here, because I in most cases will lack confidence, but I am fairly confident that if I could get her to come over here and hang out or just me and her went out somewhere I could get her to make out with me. But I am not that kind of person, because I like her as a person and don't want to fuck her over like that, even though her boyfriend has cheated on her and all that shit. Retaliation doesn't help you feel better. I almost want to call it drama, but since our scedules clash, we have just kept it to flirting via text. I think that completes my bitching for now. I need to do another paper!

Sick Puppies!!

So last night I went up to a concert in Toledo. It was an awesome show! My cousin was supposed to go with me but he took a nap and wouldn't wake up, he works first shift. SO I went on by myself. First band was a local one called Beyond this Point. They were pretty decent, nothing too great but not bad. They had some technical difficulties, with mics fading in and out. They did some screaming and stuff and had some mosh pits going. Next up was Saving Abel, I am not putting up links cuz I am tired and going to bed soon! But look them up, they were a great band from the south, they had an awesome song called "Addicted" that was the best, its about fucking! Next up was Dropping Daylight, I have heard of them before but don't recall ever hearing any of their music. They were also really good. They said that every night on the tour they play a different new song live, we got to experience one that I unfortunately don't remember the name of. They have a new CD coming out Tomorrow that I will probably pick up and I suggest you do the same. Also they did a cover of Journey's "Don't stop believin" that kicked fucking ass!! I called my cousin because he loves Journey! Oh yeah a guy behind me asked me to mosh, I said no and he ended up raming into me anyway, I almost lost it, I grabbed him and threw him to the ground but then I caught myself and helped him up. On the plus side he got me closer to the stage and more centered. Last but positivly not least was Sick Puppies!! The sounded great live! Was full of energy, except Emma, she is hot as hell but she seemed bleak and it kinda bothered me. She didn't look up much, I didn't see her smile at all. But Shimon was defiantely in a good mood and constantly was talking to the crowd and made eye contact and gave me five a couple times, I had my hat off, maybe it was cuz I am startin to look kinda like him, my hair is pretty land and looks like his now. But they also did a cover.... I bet you wouldn't be able to guess what in a million years.... give up.... "SAy my name" destiny's child. I'm not sure you can call it a cover, more a rock remix, but it was funny and sounded better than the original to me, but I love ROCK! I was getting a little irritated cuz there was a guy on the wall in frint of me who kept getting pissed about people pushing up on him... We all hate it but deal with it!! He was shoving this chick behind him into a pit and snapped her head back, I was about to punch him in the face but then just turned my attention back to the stage trying to keep out of trouble and just enjoy the great rock show! I only had 2 beers towards the beginning. I was proud of myself for that and for not starting any trouble... here's some pics...


Saving Abel

Dropping Daylight

Emma from Sick Puppies

Shimon from SIck Puppies

The epitomy of hottness

New Tat!

I have been wanting something of a heart with a sword and dagger but I thought it would look kinda gay but then I stumbled onto this drawing by Derek Hess called the Valentine...


SO part of the story is since my sleeve is about my emotions and stuff and I didn't get my heart on over there, I needed my heart on my sleeve. ANd obviously I am damaged... The sword and dagger kinda come from Silversteins lyrics "your sword vs my dagger" and they represent the 2 major traumas that my heart experienced thus far. The sword was the ex wife who as we all know took everything, my whole life... everything I worked hard as hell to get all my furniture and most importantly my son. Even though we didn't get along all that well for most of the relationship she still did me dirty as hell the way it ended and cleaning out my bank account on top of it! And of course the dagger is HB, which I am not going to rehash everything but as I keep saying, it'll be hard to find someone to replace her. My tat guy didn't really like the idea because the drawing was so sketchy he didn't think he could do a good job, he kept sketching it and didn't like the way it looked and tried to get me to change my mind but of course I usually don't when I get my head on something. I picked one of his sketches and said that was perfect, he said he didn't know. He was just afraid of it looking like shit, hes kinda a perfectionist but when he put the stensil on my arm he said he thinks it will work. He ended up likin it and I love it. So here's a pic and Silverstein Lyrics below it.



Silverstein "Your Sword vs My Dagger"
I'm cutting through
You’re bleeding out
And I would tell the truth
But I can’t help myself

red rushes out, dissect this nerve
And I will stop myself
Before I reach my cell

I wasn’t asking for the world
And I know that I’m not one to follow through

All these city streets
The people look the same
And I can see your face
And I can hear your name
I wasn’t asking for the world

Your stabbing in
permanent scars
And you’ll justify
it all inside yourself
You’ve finishED me
my pulse is gone
And you're satisfied to put this all to hell
I wasn’t asking for the world
And I know that I’m not one to follow through

All these city streets
The people look the same
And I can see your face
And I can hear your name
I wasn’t asking for the world

Drink the poison when you think it’s over
Stabbing yourself when you think it’s too late
Tragic endings are your thing
You love them
You love letting go
The endings the same
Drink the poison when you think it’s over
inevitable, Verona lives inside of you

I wasn’t asking for the world
And I know that I’m not one to follow through
All these city streets
The people look the same
And I can see your face
And I can hear your name
I wasn’t asking for the world

Spring break plans

SO Spring break is coming up pretty fast, I've never actually done anything for spring break ever. But since I am now a college man...lol, whatever I just need a fucking break from everything. MY mind is constantly bugging me and I have to do a million different things, granted most are because I want to but I feel obligated to myself to do them. SO I have been planning on going away for spring break, my plans have changed about 100 times. First I was gonna go to England to see Uncle Tom but thats not happening, maybe for Octoberfest. Then I was thinking about Texas to see Chris but I don'tr even talk to him anymore...ever. So whats the point in trying, he's got a completely different life now and is expecting a baby soon so I'm not doing that. I think I finally decided I am just driving to a beach and either sleeping on it or in my car if it gets cold. I originally thought about Myrtle Beach in SOuth Carolina, I haven't been there since I was like 15 or something, it was really nice but I have just been looking at the average weather and stuff and I can go down to Savannah Georgia like 20 minutes faster and it should be like 10 degrees warmer. Plus I've never been there. It will be a 14 hour drive either way. I'd really like to go back to the Grand Canyon but thats too far and I haven't been to a beach forever! I figured if I didn't go anywhere I'd just be sitting at home watching tv being bored, why not do it on a beach. Just take my guitar, some clothes and a sleeping bag. I wish I could take a friend too but no one seems intersted. I've been real lonely lately(HA, the story of my life). Its weird, it's not that I can't be alone it's just I get too used to being alone that when someone tries to come in I can't accept it or something. One of the many things swirling in my head that I don't feel like starting. But a 14 hour drive should give me ample time to sit and argue with my brain and listen to some music. Then who knows what could happen at the beach? Probably nothing but still. I figured I'd only spend money on gas and food if I didn't get a room it shouldn't be too expensive. I don't remember if I mentioned in the last post or not but I am still debating whether or not to quit drinking, obviously if its up for debate that means there is a problem. But I had been controlling it well until this month so who knows where that will go. To be honest I don't really care anymore, I am pretty much beyond caring about anyone(other than my son) and anything. That in itself has been kinda rough, though I hate a lot of people, I have always cared about my friends, but without friends theres nothing you know.... Whatever. I got the outline done on my new tattoo, I have to wait to get ther color next wednesday, I'll put a pic up when it's done.

uhh explaining of last post...

SO I see that I posted on Vday... I seriously hope that is my last binge, that is twice this month that I have probably been close to dying of alcohol poisoning. My bud did end up coming over and drinking with me, but I I don't remember most the night. I drank a whole bottle of Beam. Its a major setback, I have done really good on not keeping any alcohol in my house to be tempted by, I don't usually go out or drink if I do except earlier this month at my friends party. But SInce then I have felt the urge quite a bit to drink more and again... This just confirms my addiction and it really fucks with my head. I need to not give in to loneliness and shit. That shit with LPN who knows, she ignores me half the time, she doesn't seem my type... we got a lot in common, she is hot but I don't think our personalities mesh, we don't see or talk enough to find out. The chick from my EMT class, I have no clue!! She texts me all the time but we never hang out cuz she lives kinda far away and I still don't know whats up with her boyfriend, she says she is trying to find a new place to live and stuff but whatever, I know nothing is gonna come of it cuz it would just be rebound sex, which I am cool with but whatever... I am just horny.. The chick from Substance abuse, I wish...except she is a good catholic girl, probably only like 19 and yeah I don't think I could forgive myself for corupting a little good girl like that... I just need to castrate myself so I'll stop being horny and walkin around lookin for someone to fuck!! Thats all it seems like. I know in my heart I wanna find someone to actually be with but I don't know... I am fucked in the head and it doesn't matter... All chicks just wanna be my friends and I read too deep into a slight hand graze or whatever and then my mind drives me insane! This is why I drink to avoid thinking, hell thinking about this now is makin me wanna go get some! Here I start over again though. I am trying to decide if I have to stop drinking completely or not, aside from the 2 binges I have done good at honoring my 2 drink max and not driving and stuff like that but I am worried for myself, which is good because normally I wouldn't give a shit because at the moment no one else really does. When I am alone I usually drink until I find a reason to stay sober until things start going south and then there I go again. Ugh, now I am just typing round and round.... which reminds me I need to write a note in case I die so someone can write on here that I died and how I died and so my family can read how my life and mind really was... I thought about that the other day... Cuz I wanna keep this private until I decide if and when to share it with my family but if I died it would just be lost. Well I am off to do my puzzle so I can be pissed at it instead of myself...

V-Day murder

So I have been drinking since 1 or so, doing laundry, drawing up my next attoo and stuff. I talked to LPN cuz my friend liked hwe trying to figure out if she felt the same cuz my friend is a lot like me and I figured he'd be too afraid to say something adn apparently she likes me more than him. I have also been talking to a chick in my EMT class thast boyfriend cheated on her like last week cuz I don't know what she wants, it seems she's been hitting on me a bit, but the way I see I need to hit on as many as I can while I can to figure out who is best for me. There is also a hot ass redhead in my substance abuse class that I have been thinking about asking out.... We'll see what the hell happens by the end of tonight... my bet is I'll end up alone and drunk.... That part is almost positive!!! Fuck it I need another drink. FUck you hallmark!!

Substance Abuse

As I mentioned before I am in a Substance Abuse class as part of my certification requirements(its not court ordered this time) and I just finished writing a paper about an article written in 1997 about the passin for madical pot in Cali and Arizona. My dad and I dicussed legalization quite a few times lately, mainly about steriods in baseball that has been over the news quite a bit and we both agree that you aren't going to stop anyone anyway. Look at every illegal drug, name one and I bet you can go out and find it or know someone who can get it. It is illegal but assesible therefore all we do is overcrowd our prisons with non violent "criminals" and leave no space so rapists and kidnappers and murderers get out well pretty fucking fast. I am a former user of well quite a few illegal substance and have been off them for quite a while as well, I know from my past as well as facts and research that alcohol and tobbacco are worse than most of the illegal drugs. Theres always the joke that potheads are to stoned to get up and do anything but its true, you don't hear about potheads commiting violence, its alcohol. Cigarettes are the most addicting substance on earth, more addicting than crack or heroine, it doesn't provide quite the euphoria but it is more addicting.

Who is the government to say what we can or can't do with our bodys? If people want to destroy their bodies doing steriods so they are bigger for a couple seasons of baseball and die faster fucking let them! Am I going to be arrested if I walk up in front of the police station with a knife(whatever the legal size to carry is) and start carving my skin? They may call the looney bin but seriously do they arrest people for tattos or piercings? They are doing the same damn thing, they are messing with their body. What makes these substances worse? I need to look up but is it illegal if I stand there in front of the police station and huff a can of whip cream or computer duster? I just looked it up several sites say in some states but the only one I found for sure is Wisconsin. SO how is it legal for me to walk around and eat cool whip but if I put it to my mouth without shaking it and form a seal and suck just the air out and hold the nitrous oxide in make me doing something illegal? That just pissed me off even worse!!

What I think it mainly comes down to is let the retards kill themselves. If legal then we eliminate drug kingpins and violence and we can tax it and the govt can be happy asses. And I am not just talking about pot, let people do what the fuck they want with their bodies legally because they are going to do it reguardless and it may actually keep kinds from "rebelling" and doing the drugs behind parents backs. Now I am not saying go get fucked up and drive, the DUI thing should still stand which I have violated numerous times but have since stopped, I just crash if I have more than a couple. I am getting more responsible! But seriously What the fuck do you think? I think I provide a pretty good fucking argument and I think all should agree. The opposition will only complain that it shouldn't be available or accepted but it already is!! So that point is

My 600th POST!!

And where to begin it??This month is fucking shit!!! I think it may try to compete with last April! Lets start at the begining... I think I may have mentioned last post that my school fucked up and I didn't get my money for my GI bill for school. So I am broke as hell and can't pay my car payment and have been putting everything on my credit card. The only plus note is I am gettin like 5,000 back from taxes. Ok the second. My friends diaper party. I got trashed!!! Definately drank too much, we ended up going out. I tried talking to chicks when I probably shouldn't have. I got some chicks number and then saw her at a different place and texted her, she called me a dork(I don't know if she was playing around or not) I texted her back to fuck off. We ended up jumping in some girls car, I had a chick on my lap and apparently started making noises like I was gonna barf(I didn't) so that went nowhere, then when we got to his house I puked and passed out outside in the snow. I woke up on the couch and lost my hat, coat, and phone.... I got everything back except my skull cap... anyone who knows me knows how I feel about my hats, I had that one for about 3 years. Third, Patriots lost. 4th, I almost wrecked coming home from work because it was so fucking foggy you couldn't see the road. 5 th was ok at first, I went to a movie with a chick in my EMT class(but she kinda may have a boyfriend, he cheated on her Saturday and since then has been talking to me but they live together), then CF called and wanted to hang out so I met up with her, she was drunk and asking me dumb questions about why we weren't together, I couldn't let her drive home so I brought her home and let her pass out here. Today, I had to get up at 6am to take her to her car after not being able to sleep too good, then came home and couldn't really get back to sleep. When I woke up and tried to get a drink of milk, I found out my fridge/freezer died and all the goceries I bought the other day on my credit card is spoiled!! I got to do my clinicals in the ER, they were busy as hell and pissed when I got there so I didn't get to do anything, then when they calmed down no one else came in. And now here I sit bitching about everything!!!!!!!!

Now after the tradgedy this morning I am convinced that Karma backfires on me. In DC I give bums money, I get fucked over all the time and flat tires and shit. Here I don't let a friends drive home drunk, I kept her hands off me cuz she has a boyfriend now and get up early to take her to her car and my fridge spoils everything I just bought. I mean come the fuck on! I have been horny as hell and could have gotten laid last night but no, I have fucking morals!! And Valentines day is next week. A have been seriously thinking sbout getting a bottle of Beam and drowning in it! Didn't I say that last post? What the fucks next, am I gonna lose a finger or toe? Why does this shit always happen to me? Oh yeah and the pepper spray worked for like 3 days and now my face is breaking out again. It did work fairly well on my back, I figured I might as well share my findings before you go spraying it onyour face and back... Like anyone else is as stupid as I am...but you know what I get bored and tired of everyone else making my life hell, why not just do it to myself...

Pepper spray..?

Its been quite difficult to blog lately just because I am in such a rut. I don't really do anything. I go to school, I go to work, I sit around here, occasionally I hang out with my friends but since I haven't been drinking as much there isn't drunken stupidity. I think it was last week, one night my buddy came over we had some beers bullshited til like 5 am watchin movies and crap. One night we hung out at the bar, had a couple and just bullshitted with some other friends til it closed then we went to his place and played cards. This weekend there may be some craziness we are having a diaper party for him since he is havin a baby and we are gettin a keg. I am not going as crazy as I did for my bday but I may have a few more than normal. A bad thing I found out is my other friend has a thing for the LPN and has been tryin to get with her so I kinda have to repect him and stop flirtin with her, she was at the bar with us last week. It seemed like she was tryin to get to know me but was more flirty with him so I don't know. I told him to let her know how he feels and if he doesn't I will. I was gonna ask her to be my valentine. Gotta push him cause he is like me and will wait until its too late. I'll probably die alone but at this point I don't really give a shit. I know I need to stick to my plans for this year and at least try to talk to random chicks but I'm not goin to force anything. I did talk to this hot little redhead in my substance abuse class. It sucks because it feels like my face gets so red when I talk to them, I wish I knew how to stop that. Then I feel worse because they can see me blushing when I'm just bringing up general conversations and it makes me feel like a little kid or something. I guess thats the thing though I need to practice so it will stop. It a damned double edge sword. Its just weird cuz most the time I don't give a shit what people think of me, if I am irritated with some chick that I don't know I can tell her what the fuck I think but if I just think a chick is cute and say hi or something I freak. Oh yeah in that same class is a chick I used to work with at Taco Bell and used to flirt with all the time. We used to get stoned and shit and now we are in the same substance abuse class...lol. I don't think she is as clean as I am though so I don't think I will be asking her to hang out anytime soon.

On a different note, I sprayed myself with pepper spray today. WHy you ask, because I was bored and when my friends did it in the military they said it cleared up their faces and my face is breakin out bad, so figured why not. It took a while to hurt and then it hurt like hell for quite a while and my face was red for about 2 hours. It better fucking work. I am poor and fucked for this month because the school is fucking retarded. I submitted my papers to get my money from the military when I signed up and they haven't submitted them yet. I called and asked about it, they said they would do it sometime next week. I should be getting paid for it this week! That is about $1,000 that I now don't have to pay my bills. Thanks assholes. So I am gonna have to put it all on my credit cards and hope I get it quickly or my income tax. Retards. Well I think I am gonna fuck around on the web and then finish my laundry. I feel like going and puttin a bottle of Jim Beam on my card and getting plastered!!!! But I won't, I'll get some drinks Saturday with friends. I am not going to start drinking alot, alone again!!

Music is a blessing and a curse

So it took quite a while after HB for me to be able to listen to certain CDs because it made me think of her. There were the Stars, Billy Talent, 30 Seconds to Mars, and well half od my music. But lately the thought of her has been diminishing. I am able to listen to those bands without problem, some with even found memories. Billy Talent I believe was our last concert and a blast... check out their live album 666!! But I was just watching scrubs cuz that show is cool and funny and this song comes up that just kinda smacked me in the face... If you scroll down on my playlist its the last song. Its a good, sad, song but it just hit a nerve even though I never heard it before. I'm not saying I'm never gonna be happy with anyone else or anything but at times I do wonder if I will heres the lyrics.

RHETT MILLER- "Come Around"

I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
I'm depressed upstairs and I'm remembering where
And when and how and why'd you have to go so far
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night
You came on to me and opened up my heart
I was hollow then till you filled me in now I'm empty again
I should have never let it start
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do
But you're the only one you are the only one
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
So come around so come around
I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart

Uhh School...

Occasionally through the week or when I am lying in bed trying to sleep, I think of something or a topic that I wanna talk about on here but it always seems that by time I have the time to... I forget. So I survived my first week of school last week, I think I am going to like this semester. Fist class is substance abuse, the teacher seems pretty cool, plus we get to talk about drugs all day... The first class we had to anonomously write what drugs, legal or illegal, we have taken the last 6 months... for me this didn't include any illegal but I thought about writing some of the stuff I did before that. Other classmates had quite a list, we wrote them all out on the board just to see all the variety we had. Second is Cultural Diversity again the teacher seems cool, so far we just read at home then discuss in class, no notes no nothing really. The book itself is just interesting to read so far, its just called Race, class, gender. Its just a bunch of writings about peoples lives and oppression and stuff, I've only read like 3 of them but its cool. The only one I worry about is my online class about Ethics in Health care, only cuz its hard for me to do it or read... I don't know why. I find myself on mypace instead or here doing this...lol. Other than class, nothing is happening. I am boycotting American Idol, I refuse to watch it. I just watch Family Guy instead it is more entertaining. Oh yeah Heath Ledger was found dead a couple hours ago, I guess he got too into his role as Joker in Batman... My dad just kept sayin he'd OD too if he ws known as that gay cowboy...

Its always 2 out of 3

I guess thats why theres a song about 2 out of 3 aint bad. Well last night right after I shut off the tv and laid down to sleep my buddy texted me to come out and since its a goal this year, I got up and went out and I only drank 2 beers but I didn't talk to any ladies... though I did finally see the LPN again and she gave me a hug, she may have been drunk though she didn't talk much, she was dancing with her friends. Any place with dancing isn't a good place for me to try to strike up a conversation since I don't dance... Plus I always think of the Dane Cook skit were its a girl and shes going on about "no guys tonight, I just wanna dance!" But it was still a pretty good time, we hung out and shot the shit.

Tomorrow is my first day with my new classes, maybe I'll get lucky and have some cool ass hot chick in there. But I just had a conflicting though while I was in the shower and about my life goals: I always say fuck the world and lifes a bitch then you die and you always hear seize the day and all this shit. Well these sayings kinda say to drink, fuck, and party in case you die tomorrow... And this is against the way I have been living. I have been focusing more on trying to make myself better for the future that I may not have... I am conflicted and don't really have a good argument about why I should keep bettering myself. I'm still gonna keep on the way I am going but it kind of makes me regret the thought popping up. I just thought I'd share that thought to see if it boggles any one elses mind or if I am just a moron...

Oh I saw the movie Control about the life of Ian Curtis of Joy Division. The movie was pretty fucking good. It reminded me of Kurt Cobain even though it was way before him. But young star with crazy kind of life, and medical problems that he doesn't know how to deal with. Except Ian didn't show him doing drugs he was just torn between 2 women

My head just may explode....

Why... I don't know. I have been real antsy this past week or so. I think it has to do with the weather. It was 68 the other day!!! It was nice as hell, the temp has been between 30-10 the past months and out of nowhere it was warm, then some thunderstorms hit and now its cold again... Monday I went up to the gym at school before work since I needed to do something and oh my gawd was I sore yesterday and then yesterday was my first day back for my EMT class so I went and worked out again and I am sore as hell today but it feels so damn good!! I almost want to go back today since I have nothing to do but I know my body needs to rest. I have been so fucking bored, almost hoping for homework from school next week, though I know in 2 weeks I am probably going to be stressed and going crazy, if its not one extreme its the other! Lately I have just been strumming on my guitars (for some reason the electric's strings fuck up my fingers more) til my fingers hurt, then work on my simpsons puzzle til I start to go blind from focusing on the little fucking pictures, then play on the computer and wait for something to come on tv, every once in a while I play my simpsons game that I already beat but need to go back and find all the little secret shit I missed. Gawd I am a boring ass dork!! But you know what I am staying out of trouble so I guess thats what counts most... though I guess I'm not getting out like I am supposed to but I have to wait on friends for things like that... Its hard though, I've been thinking about missing my old friends and old times like usual but it was easy in the military. Here there is nothing really to do but get drunk or do drugs and I don't really want to do either, you know. I don't mind drinks every once in a while, I think I average once every 2 weeks or so. At least when there is a UCF PPV I go up to the bar to watch it. But I don't need or want to be around it all the time especially the way the stupid asses act around here! And all my old friends other than the 2 I hang out with now were and still are into drugs and shit... with my addictive personality and feeling like shit most the time I would fall right back into that shit... For some reason people tend to dislike me here. I don't really know why all I do is speak my mind, we are not in high school, I don't talk behind peoples back, if I don't like you I will tell you that you are annoying and be quiet. A couple of the people I met seem to prefer people who lie and backstab. fuck them... Anyway there I go off on a tangent again... Well its about time to do either my puzzle or video game... fun fun!!

Happy New Year

So this is my first post of 2008! For new years I ended up going to my cousins new place and hanging out and having a few drinks, it was a pretty good time, I didn't drink that much. There were some wasted guys there that were being annoying and my cuz is pregnant and obviously couldn't drink so I kinda helped her clean up the messes they made since her boyfriend ended up passin out. Now I don't make resolutions but one of the things I have been thinking about that I need to focus on this year is being selfish and having confidence, these are the next big things on my list to be better. The alcohol thing is something I am continually working on, but I think working on those 2 things may help. Lets look at the reasons I usually drink or drank actually... 1. Boredom, this I am doing a puzzle and play ps2 to try to fight, tv is getting boring and I need to find a book or something. 2. To open up socially, I use it as a crutch if I am afraid to talk to a chick at a bar or whatever, I drink so I won't care and then when I still don't say anything I drink because I failed. 3. To deal with things, well period. If I had more confidence it would help well 2 out of 3, not much cure for boredom, I have been fucking with my guitar more but still sound like shit. Being selfish, this has been a problem too... I am always worried about other people, I always put others before myself. Even if we look back to my last big single period, I wasn't being selfish I just got drunk and found fuck buddies, thats all I really did. I didn't do anything for myself. I'm still not too sure how to be selfish, its not like I have money to spend on myself but I will try to find ways... I need to get back to the gym I feel lazy as shit!! Luckily I haven't lost any of my muscle even though I really havent done shit since school got out. Anyways back to selfish and confidence and fighting the alcohol. These 3 things need to be my mission this year. I need to make time to go out(selfish) actually meet and talk to chicks(confidence) I don't need to get numbers or fuck or anything, I just need to be able to start conversations with them for me to learn that its ok, I am not gonna die or get maced or what the fuck ever goes through my fucking body keeping me from doing it!! And all this needs to be accomplished without being wasted, I will allow 2 drink max when I go out! Thats it, thats all I need to do this year, again not a resolution because those are things that people try to force on themselves and end up failing and being more pissed. I think they can be acomplished

Reflections...

Why do I always do the (....) thing.... I don't know. SO I didn't get any pics of my friends band on christmas, it turned out to be kinda a crazy night! I went up there BSed with him for a while enjoyed some music, he kicked ass like always. My friend and a couple of his friends showed up a couple guys were fucking with us, it was about to turn into a fight and my ex brother in law was there so I was uncomfortable so we went to a different one. We walk in and a guy I almost got into a fight with on my birthday was there, we sat at the bar and oredered a drink and he glared at me then wispered to his friends and the glared at me. I kinda thought I was imagining things but my friend saw it too. Then my ex brother in law showed up wasted and kept buying me drinks and talking shit about my ex. I kept saying I didn't wanna talk about it. He ended up knowing my friends friend, they ended up in a back room, there was a crowd yelling and pulling people out. I got the guy out and he left, my ex bro in law got arrested. I still haven't got the story as to what happened, but he was probably talking shit, both were wasted and started fighting. Dumbasses!

I titled this reflections but I'm not sure how much I really wanna reflect on. I have felt pretty lonely lately, I have managed to keep myself out of depression, how I have no idea. I have kept myslef from buying a bottle! Lookin back this has been a really rough year. Starting this year I had a friends, love, a plan, money, and the world in front of me ready to be conquered! Now I sit alone in a one bedroom apartment my parents own that I don't even pay rent in, don't really have any close friends left. I got the4 couple here but its hard to really open up to them, plus it's not like I have much to say, they don't really know all the players from back... like how much I miss Chris and I am mad he never talks to me anymore, I had to find out he is having a baby from HB, just by chance because I wished her a merry christmas. I sent him a message saying congrats and he never replys anymore. I miss the closeness I had with him and HB, I told both of them everything without any fear of rejection or anything. They would give me good advise, even if I never really followed it it's nice to know that someone is there for you. The 2 friends I have here, ones girlfriend hates me, the other guy trys to hang out when he can but he works 2nd too and lives a ways away. I don't know what I expect or even want, my last girlfriend wasn't really that fun, perhaps I just want that girl to show up and give me those butterflies again. To fight through the fear of the first kiss and all that, with CF I was too drunk to even remember, so it lost all thrill. Who fucking knows. At times I just want to run away! Start over somewhere new again, or go back in the Navy, but I can't leave my son again... He definately needs some sort of stability. And I can't sacrifice him, I must sacrifice myself. Will I grow to hate him because of it, NO because running away wouldn't solve anything, I'd just end up a stranger somewhere else lonlier than I am now. I am almost excited for school to start back up, I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks now I think!! I try to work out around the house but all I have is 2 dumbells and I am not running in this fucking cold!! Maybe I just have too much energy that needs burnt off... I need a new fuck buddy!!

Merry mutherfuckin Christmas

I'm off to the bar!!! My friends band is playing there, hopefully I won't get too drunk. It should be fun, I haven't seen him for a while since he moved down to Columbus. Today wasn't too bad, hung out with my family, got some cool presents. Got a new amp for my guitar finally since I havent had one since my exwife pawned it!! and got the Simpsons game! Some clothes and other things that aren't as fun.... Hope everyone has a safe happy holidays!! I'm tryin not to be the scrooge though I still hate the holiday!! I think its an awesome idea that my buddy and other bands are playin tonight!!

News... I guess

Hmmm where to start, I've been busy since my last post. Lets start with I passed my classes, I have no clue how I did on the finals but I got a B in psych and C in biology, so I am happy bout that. I celebrated by hanging out with my friends Saturday during a snow storm and getting plastered. I've got too much testosterone from no sex for a couple months and I haven't worked out in over a week so I suggested football. We beat the shit out of each other while it was coming down, then while our pants were in the dryer someones dumbass suggested we see who could last longest in their boxers in the snow barefoot... I won! I don't know if I should be proud or not.... This week I've been working and going to a class for work in Lima, a little over an hour away to learn med admin that I've know and been doing for quite a while... but whatever I get paid for it... so I've just been tired as hell. My son has had quite a fiasco lately, luckily I hadn't bought him anything since I was waiting on my paycheck, but now I don't have to buy him anything since he is soooo bad!! He is in first grade, 6 years old, I didn't get in this much trouble til I was in at least 5 th grade and it still wasn't all this! He's had problems listening to his teachers and then lying to his mom and I... I've had talks with him, he is an angel for me and has been better for his mom but hell at school. Well I've been stopping at the school once a week to check on him and get the story from the teacher because he got in school suspension for refusing to listen, well he said hes been better and his teacher said he hasn't and had given him several notes to bring home about his behavior, they are talking about kicking him out of school!!! In first fucking grade!!! So I haven't spanked him in a long as time so I busted his ass, well he got in school suspension again and lied about it so I spanked him again longer and harder, took away everything, made him sit in a corner for a whole night until bed... The next day...THE NEXT FUCKING DAY the principle called and he was back in inschool for hitting kids in the balls!! WHAT THE FUCK!! I don't know what to fucking do! He never acts like this shit for me, hes stopped doing it for his mom, its now just been transferred to school... he gets good grades when he isn't too busy talking to do it... I can't just go up there and sit at the school to make him be good so I told him I couldn't stop anyone else from buying him presents, but I will not buy him anything, Santa is not bringing him anything and anything bought for him will be put away until I think he deserves any of it. I have to be the fucking Grinch who takes away Christmas... I have already been pissed about the fucking holiday, to be honest I can't remember if I hated it last year, I thought about looking back but haven't gotten around to it yet. It sucks that I know my parents bought me and my son all kinds of shit that neither of us need, and when I ask them what to get them I get a fucking grocery list...seriously, their list this year is 2 pillows, a blanket, a can opener, beer, cigarettes... Its bad enough I am broke as shit but I think it was last year or the year before when I had money and shit I could at least give them money since they never tell me what the want, only some things they could use. On the bright side I don't have to buy much, not that I could anyway but still... it makes me feel like an ass! They constantly give me money and make me feel more like shit if I try not to take it they shove it in my pocket like I am a fucking bum... I get by I don't need much to survive, I can pay my bills, I don't smoke, I hardly drink and when I do its usually someone elses, all I need is my bills and gas, they pretty much bought their own presents with the money they gave me. My mom fucking bought the ring I gave HB from me for full price, we were talking like last month about pawning shit or something and I said fuck that they only wanted to give me $20 for a $450 1/4ct diamond ring, I wanted at least 100 or something. Mom told me to bring it down and asked said she'd buy it. I told her she could have it, she's already given me enough money and it was just sitting on my entertainment center collecting dust anyway. Well Dad gave me 450 for it!! I told him to fuck off, that I didn't need it, use it to buy presents and shit, he threatened to kick my ass if I didn't take it, seriously, he got that for real look. I know they feel obligated to help and shit but I fucking hate it, it only makes me feel more like shit! Now I am all pissed... I'm gonna go work on my SImpsons puzzle, which will probably only piss me off more.... Merry fucking Christmas to all!

Finals.... oh and I am a Genius

YEp it's finals week! Luckily I am only taking 3 classes, and my EMT class is like 2 semesters so I took the midterm yesterday. Well Monday I don't think I did well in my psychology, I couldn't remember most the essays but I think I did good on the multiple choice. I could probably get a zero and still pass the class, my lowest grade on a test in there was a 98... We got to do a IQ test for bonus points and it turn out I am smart as hell, well we all already knew that!! I got a 120, tied the highest shes had in her classes, that puts me in the 91 percentile, 125 is worth a shot into MENSA, the highest you can get is 144. I told my parents that I am a genius, we've always had a joke about my A+ math, I've always been an A math student but when I'd talk with them about something I'd usually mess it up because I'd try to do it in my head instead of on paper, and they'd say theres that A+ math. So now they'll probably start everytime I do something stupid, "Theres that 120 IQ" at least thats my guess. I did great on the math but not so great on the verbal, I think it is because the writers of the test don't appreciate the word FUCK and its many meanings. Fuck the fucking fuckers... A whole sentence!! Oh well...

So yeah my EMT midterm I failed by 2 questions, I hate saying failed because "failing" is less than an 80% which is stupid and the questions are tricky, the last 2 tests we were able to argue and get several questions marked right because they were too close to choose between 2 of them. But yesh so I got a damn 78... Next is Biology on Friday, and as you can see below how I feel about that class! I am not studying...at all... if the test is about the bigotry we've learned the past couple weeks I should be ok, I think he said it wasn't covering everything from the whole semester so I can probably just put kill the blacks and jews for every answer and get a 100... OH YEAH!! one class about evolution we got to watch the Simpsons clip where it shows a blob who eventually evolves into Homer, but it was narrated by Mr. Garrison from South Park, and we had to write about it... It says at the end that we were created from 4 monkeys having butt sex with a fish squirell, thats all I worte and I got a 90!! It was funny as shit! Then I plan on getting drunk this weekend!! It just sucks I gotta work so I can't party all night!! Oh well, I suppose I'll survive! No more school the rest of the year though after this week!!!!

BLAH!!

I am tired as hell!! As usual! I don't know what it is I just always seem to be tired. I am have just been in a blah mood again! Why can't my body and mind just stay steady!! It really is annoying. For some reason I keep thinking about my next tattoos, I can't stop thinking and planning them even though it is going to be quite a while before I have enough money for them. I think I need to first get something on my other arm which is probably going to be a half rotted heart with a dagger through it and then I have been thinking about getting a banner across the top of my chest with some cool quote or something in it... I have been debating on quite a few and then trying to decide if I want it in latin or not, then I started thiniking since I have been having trouble deciding maybe I could make like several banners with different sayings... why, I don't know maybe because my mind is going haywire! I am having some troubles sleeping again... I just lay and toss and turn. They say I am going to get more hours at work starting next week!! Finally, its only one extra day a week but its better than not working! I am going to get my hair cut tomorrow, I made an appointment, I have no clue what the hell I wanna do with it but it is long and I can't do anything with it now and I need to start my clinicals at the hospitals ER soon, I kinda wanted to do it while I am on break from school here the next couple weeks so I need to look professional and hot because when we were in there for orientation there were some hotties... What about the chick below, who knows, she lives in a different town and is busy with school and work... who knows, I think she'd definately be fun to hook up with!! Maybe thats my problem, its been a while since I've been laid! Bout time to find a new fuck buddy and hope this one isn't crazy... I think I am going to start my Simpsons puzzle that I have had for about a year now, maybe that'll keep me busy. I need a new book but there is no real bookstaores here and the library sucks balls!! I need my uncle Tom and Rinker to recommend some kick ass books!!!

I just noticed how I jump from subject to subject a little more and faster than usual, thats how my brains been acting... Oh yeah I found out recently in my EMT class a little more about my low blood sugar... When I used to pass out alot, I was having seizures! So I have a history of seizures and hypoglycemia also causes altered mental status, which may be my entire problem with life! Seriously, we checked our blood levels in class, the average normal is between 80-120, mine was at 50, 40 is insulin shock(unconsciousness), the teacher asked how I felt and I felt normal... so according to the book I apparently almost always have altered mental status! Because I old him I don't remember getting angry or violent before I passed out like the book said, I just kind of feel it coming on and try to sit or lie down... Just another thing to add to the list of things wrong with me... I need to find a real doctor "House" and see if he can solve me... With my physical problems and my mental problems, I could be a whole season on the show!! Well I think I'll start my puzzle now!!

New Girl....yeah right...

So back when I was with CF, we went out with some of my friends barhopping and I met a couple of their friends who were HOT! One had a boyfriend who she was on the phone with all night but the other was hotter anyway. Then like 2 weekends ago when the last UFC payperview was I invited my friends to meet up at the sports bar to watch it and she ended up coming... shes the type of beauty that was wearing scrub bottoms a huge sweatshirt, glasses and had her hair half pulled up and still looked amazing! So I gave her some shit because I tried to add her on myspace and she denied me and I sent her a message inviting her to my Bday party that we talked about the first time and stuff. But we were talking and she does the home health care thing that I am doing. Of course I was distracted by watching UFC and trying to kill each other so the conversation was kinda limited. Well amist the myspace bullitens she put out one where I could fill out what I thought about her and stuff, so I did and she did it back on me and it said how her first impression was I was nice, cool, and she wanted to get to know me better and stuff and there was a question about if shed date me and she put maybe if she got to know me more. So we started texting last night and she is an LPN working towards her RN, she was asking me about the EMT thing and I mentioned about how I have been thinking about trying to get on a chopper and work on lifeflight and stuff and she asks if I am fucking kidding. I said no why she said she wanted to do the same. So we started messing with each other about that and she said I can be her sidekick and stuff since there is an RN and medic on the flights. It was just kinda crazy how we were clicking, and I know I am getting way too into thinking about it, cause thats what I always do! Look back at the what 3 years I've posted on this blog and each month there is the same fucking thing. But I thought I'd put it down on here to remember anyway, in the slightest chance that something does happen, yesterday was the convo that started it... Hey I can dream can't I...

In other news, not a whole lot going on. This semester of school is almost over, christmas is almost here, I am broke as shit. Work says I will get more hours towards the end of next month. My son had in school suspension yesterday for not listening, so me and his mother had a huge long talk with him about that. Now I told him I have to drive all the way out to hius school every week to talk to his teacher and find out how he's doing because he is lying about it and just saying he got yelled at for talking and not how much trouble he actually got in! Well I better get to typing my Biology report, I may bitch about the class tomorrow...fucking retards, the funny part is my lab partners are 2 high school guys who are pretty cool and very smart and not nearly as ignorant as the rest of the class! Any way I'm out fo now. Later!!

Ignorance is Bliss

Now that I have given thanks I can go back to bitching! I'm just kinda in one of those moods today, maybe because I am dealing with shit and arguing with myself in my head, I wanna go get something to get drunk but I won't, I wanna go to a concert Friday but I am broke, I need food and gas but I am broke. Here is what I was thinking about on my way back from dropping the kid off so I wouldn't stop at the liquor store. I and many have said ignorance is bliss, thouse who thinking otherwise are fucking idiots. You may be an optomist who will tell me about how good your life is or hell how lucky I am about something I may not see... You can have the perfect fucking life, but you are still ignorant. Look at the problems in the world, we have people with millions and billions of dollars but yet people with none and living on the street and eating out of the garbage. I would like to believe these millionaire think about those people but I am sure they don't. And that is fucking retarded. We have little girls going into or being forced into prostitution to make money because they know they can make money fast that way. I am being completely honest, I would do it in a heartbeat if I thought people would pay me for it and if it wasn't illegal. Hell I have put serious thought in trying to be a stripper but I couldn't find one around here for guys. This economy is based on the almighty dollar and people will do anything and disreguard anyone for it especially themselves. It makes me sick when I think about it as I'm sure it does most other people, that is why we ignore it!

Second thoughts, my heart or lack there of. As I stated before around April/May I lost 3 people that were close to me, 2 by death and the other by my own doing. Around that time I also fucked up my toe and have dealt with a black and blue toenail that is close to coming off. I think I am going to miss it. Its crazy to look how I and everything else has changed in 6 months. I completely shaved my head around that time as well, now I look like a guy that was in Dazed and Confused. I had lots of money back then, nothing to worry about, I said I was broke if I had less than 500 in my checking account and always had a savings to back it up. But it has all changed, in that time I went through and emotional trainwreck. I didn't know what to do what to say or how to feel and after crying, throwing fits, wishing myself dead, and drowning myself in alcohol I entered and emotional coma. I am sleeping RC(far from beauty). I've tried to meet women, it was fun while it lasted but I am incapable of opening up, I keep telling myself it is too soon. I didn't have feelings for anyoen for a year and a half after my wife and she fucked me over real good and I didn't like her much to begin with. But then I look at my friends who have all carried a piece of my heart with them, now scattered all over the world. Most of them probably keep it shoved in the back of a closet and forgot all about it. Thanks to myspace I can get a message from a few once in a while to let me know they are still alive but thats it. I don't call any of them because I don't have much to say. Hows your life? Mine is ok I guess, I am poor, going to school, working, I've put on 10 lbs of muscle the past month or so, I cut back on drinking, quit smoking and thats it. Life story of the past year in 2 minutes. Its easier to put it on myspace. I tried to IM Chris a few times lately to see how he's been, he usually just ignores me and never answers back. I have become just a memory to most. There are a couple back here well one old friend who has tried to get me into the group though with sceduling conflicts its hard to keep in and then they forget to invite me sometimes since they just aren't used to it or they know I am working or have my kid or I was invited last night I knew my parents would watch him but I can't afford to go out. And it sucks! Life seems that it will always suck! I wasn't happy sitting on my ass not doing anything, I was somewhat content being to busy cause at least the bills were getting paid and now I am just busy enough to not be able to do things with friends but not working enough to make any money. So I am fucked just like always so this is what I do at times like these, I want to go get drunk and either get in trouble, get in a fight, or fuck someone. Nice easy goals that I know I can accomplish at least one if not all, all at once. But I fight it, I have become a fighter lately fighting for myself when before I was always the last one I gave reguard for. I have to fight my urges to be stupid just because things aren't going my way. I have to ignore all the bad shit that I go through, I have to ignore my problems. You may say ignoring them won't make them go away, but they are things that can't be dealt with. I have been keeping my eyes open for new jobs that could get rid of one problem but the rest is all unsolvable. My life is unsolvable, the best thing to do is ignore. I have noticed I am happiest when I am working out because I am listening to music that I love and I am working towards a goal I have had since I was little. I will admit, I am starting to look good, well my face still needs work but my body is on its way to being awesome! And my body works out its frustrations as I drown myself in music and igore the rest of the world. Its just me, music, and whatever I am doing in that moment. Nothing else matters and as I smirk into the mirror I know Ignorance is Bliss!!

Thanksgiving...and Madina Lake and Mayday Parade

Lets start off with Thanksgiving... I am thankful I have a healthy son and my family is doing pretty good, I am in good health physically and getting along ok mentally. I wouldn't be without my family, my parents are great and I love them. They keep trying to help me even though I try not to let them. I am poor as shit since they cut my hours at work, my pay check was only enough to pay my car insurance, I have lots of other bills, they keep trying to give me money even though they don't have much, they are worried about buying christmas presents for me and my son, I severly doubt I am going to be able to afford gas to and from school next week let alone presents. I am going to have to start using my credit cards again and probably get myself in trouble. Hopefully I might get some income tax back next year, maybe I can catch up a bit on it then, we'll see...there I go on the negatives instead of the good again....

So The concert was great!! It was my first time at headliners in Toledo, its a lot closer and reminded me of Black cat well the stage and everything, the atmosphere wasnt even close! But this was the last night of the tour and the bands were having fun and it was great! I'm not going to go through each band cuz all were awesome, there was We the Kings, Powerspace, Madina Lake, and Mayday Parade. During all the bands other bands members would come out and mess around, but it added to the fun. They wrapped people in serane(sp?) wrap and electrical tape while they were playing and during the last songs they started taking the drum kit apart while they were playing. They were throwing toilet paper around. I think it was the singer of We the Kings got caught on fire so they stoped that. They had hairspray and a lighter and was shooting it around and caught his back but they kept going. It was just fun as hell. Getting there I felt bad cuz I was like the oldest person other than some kids parents, but as the show went on other people showed up, I think they were just afraid of being seen there early or something. I didn't get into any fights or anything but I did almost kill some little girl. All night me and another dude were picking up people to crowd surf, soon girls just came up and was asking us, well one girl I picked up and she started to fall in front of me so we got under her and kinda tossed her, but she went over the crowd and up to the stage, I think the security guy caught her. We freaked out, we didnt mean to throw her that hard or anything, I hope she was ok. She just kinda disappeared. But besides that it was fun. Well TIme for me to get back to tv. Later, Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday Night Darkness

SO here I sit bored out of my mind on a friday night. It wouldn't be so bad if there was something on tv! I already watched Saw 4 on the comp here and may have to watch Oceans 13 too. I really wanna go get a bottle or some beer or something but we all know that that won't solve anything and would probably just make me lonlier and I'd go out and do some stupid shit. I may just work out, I was gonna take today off but fuck it,, I can use it. So I've noticed my mind wondering again when I lie down to sleep. It was weird to notice it the other night. I've been just lying down and going to sleep, but I noticed myself thinking and I found it odd that I hadn't been lately. Well thinking has led to wierd dreams, luckily I forget after waking up except one crazy one. I was in a car and my son was in the passanger seat and there was a lion in the backseat and I kept saying to ignore it and whatever but it kept clawing at my arm and nibbleing at it. Well this is what the dream dictionary says: "To see a lion in your dream, symbolizes great strength, aggression and power. You will overcome your emotions and/or difficulties. To dream that you are attacked by a lion, indicates that you have many obstacles to overcome. You must resist the force that is driving you to self-destruction." The force driving me to self destruction is my life, how do I resist my life? I resist living enough, I always revert to being a hermit and not going out and living life like I should. Well either that or I get drunk and do stupid shit which is almostr living too much. Where is the balance? But I am not getting drunk so I guess that is a start, I played my guitar all last night until my fingers hurt, I picked it up for a bit tonight but its boring playing the same crap over and over again, I can't really learn anything. I need to put an ad out for a hot chick who knows how to play to teach me so I can kill 2 birds with one stone. I can learn to play better and hang out... right... Well I do think I am gonna work out... oh yeah..

Yeah I got into it in Biology again, we were "learning" about evolution but he just kept showing how fossils and things have been the same for millions of years and pretty much saying things didn't evolve. So I argued about how elephants have changed since mastadons to wolly mammoths to elephants and he said that was all theory and that they could be seperate animals like dogs and cats and stuff. I asked where any creationism proof is or is it all theory, he didn't have an answer, fucking retard! Its all bullshit and who cares.

Procrastonating...

I am probably the worlds biggest procrastonator! I am supposed to be writing a psych paper right now but I don't feel like it. I should go out and do something, it is warmer out and I am all dressed up! We had to go for orientation at the hospital where we will do our clinicals for our EMT class, we couldn't wear jeans. SO I put on my nice black Khakis, the nice shirt I bought for my DUI court hearing, I shaved :( I look funny after having a nice little goatee for a while. But have to look good so I can make good impression and all that happy shit. I think I mentioned in my last bitching session that I have been working out. Especially since they cut my hours at work. I start off running a mile or a mile and a half and then lift and shit. I am gonna get ripped as hell so the hunnies will be drooling over me! so far I put on 5 pounds of muscle! maybe I'll put up some before and after pics after a couple months or something. I can see a definate difference. I think my metabolism is finally slowing down, either that or just after the years of getting lifting and nutritional advise from so many different people and accumulating them all into, what I have been doing is finally working. I feel good, I love working up a good sweat! And since I don't have a girl to help me "work out", I guess I got to actually work out... Oh well. Thats weird how I am digging running though, I always hated it. I guess I'm going through a midlife crisis, I'm probably not gonna make 50. I mean look, the past couple months, I quit smoking, I hardly drink anymore, though I wanna, I just don't have the money...lol. I enjoy running, I'm going to school and doing pretty good, I think I've been being a good dad lately. He's actually been cuddleing with me, he hasn't done that since he was a baby, this weekend he layed with me and we watched tv. It felt good. I've turned me around a bit, I just need to get some emotions back, and I need to get a life and a good job. I can't go out and meet people because I am broke and most people around here are idiots as I said in the post below! I am going to a concert next Tuesday, its a little closer, up in Toledo. Going to see Madina Lake and Mayday Parade, some good bands... is it just me or is almost all good music about breaking up and stuff. I guess I am not the only one who can't really write anything good when they are happy. But yeah I will probably go there alone since it is a tuesday and everyone around here sucks ass! I need a concert buddy!

Biology Bitching!!

First of all I hate my fucking biology class and not so much the class as the teacher and the fucking people in it. The people in this area are so fucking retarded! I am almost positive I was never that fucking closed minded! before we spent an entire class talking about how some of the kids, yes some are still in high school but taking college classes, grew up and never saw a black person before and how tramatizing it was when one moved into their neighborhood. Then we talk about how stupid they thing evolution is. Let me get this straight you think it is stupid to think that the world has evolved out of a single cell. Yeah how stupid is that, we all know that a dude snapped his fucking fingers and created the world! For me honestly both are too fucking extreme and to be honest who really gives a flying fuck!! We are here, we have documentation of what has happened for a couple hundred years, thats good enough! Fucking people! I swear I am far from fucking sofisticated but these people make me sick to believe that I grew up here. I hate it! my baby mama was talking about moving to Oklahoma or some shit again, she's mentioned it before. I honestly think that if she does I am going back into the Navy and getting the hell out of here. If my son is not here I have no reason to be here. I don't make shit for money, I can't do shit for fun, I still only have a couple friends, and I am fucking miserable living as a bum! I don't know if miserable is the right term but I hate the fact that I have to rely on my parents for food sometimes and the fact I am always broke and have no money to go have fun or have to drive 2 hours to see a good concert and still don't really have anyone to go with. Hell if I am gonna live like this I might as well be living in the barracks or on a ship and getting paid more right. I miss it unfortunatly! I miss meeting people with totally different backgrounds and still having the same views or just being able to meet new people in general. Around here I don't really wanna because they are fucking idiots, I know there are a lot in the military too but there you are kinda forced to meet everyone, here I can choose not to. I don't remember where I was going with all of this but for real I am tired of these stupid fucking ignorant redneck fuckers! I joke around sometimes about racist shit and stereotypes and everything but in all honesty anyone is a person and I have no opinion of them until they give me something, talk to me, I see you act a certain way to form an opinion. I'm not gonna sit here and think all black people are criminals, all asian are super smart, and all fucking white males are evil! Yeah we also talked about how tall white males are the perferred choice of women, I am a tall white male, and yeah look at me fight them fucking off with a stick!! FUcking morons! Maybe god should have snapped his fingers a little fucking harder in some of their brains, or just squished them! I'm out, need to go workout or something. I have been working out at least 3 times a week, I can run a mile in 8 minutes again, I am actually starting to enjoy running...me, I must be fucking losing my mind here right!

Mindless is the way to be....

SO thanks in part to CF asking me about my feelings and me feeling like a dick for not feeling I opened my mind to try to figure out why. I typed it of course cuz it took me a while to figure it out and its something I wouldn't want to say in person. It pretty much said I am no longer a whole person and I hope my heart is like my liver and can rebuild itself, well not my liver since I continuously abuse my liver but the liver is very regenerative. Though I don't drink much again. Anyways so it will probably take a long time for me to be able to open my heart if I don't have one and such. I mean it took what 2 years after my exwife before I dated someone and that was HB, the rest was just kinda fun and I didn't even get along with my wife. She wants to put thoughts and feelings into everything, I just want to live and enjoy the few moments... I kinda enjoy not thinking or feeling, theres always ups and downs to everything. I've been feeling like a hippie lately, I hate hippies but they kinda have it right. Just live, though money still sucks and makes me worry, the rest fuck worrying about how someone feels about you, if someone is cheating on you, what they'd think if you did whatever. Fuck that shit! Fuck looking for love, I mean you only find what you're looking for when you stop looking right, and I think I have been looking while lying to myself. And then I find CF who wants and deserves more than I can give right now and she is beating herself up about it thinking its her fault I am not happy and shit. It sucks, check another life I ruined, damn at least there is one thing I know I am good at, actually quite a few its just none are really beneficial to my goals. I am a sadistic fuck, I can come up with great torurous situations, I can ruin peoples lives, I am great at fucking with people, I can make anyone feel like shit if I get to know them, and I know some useless facts and shit. And shit since I'm heading down the dark path on this post I've been thinking about death lately. JUst death in general, what happens if I die tomorrow how would my friends find out, like chris, ech, john, or brown... my mom isn't gonna know how to get ahold of anyone, none of my friends know anyone, you know. And vice-versa how would I know if anyone else died, no one really talks anymore except the occasional email or myspace comment and if they don't respond I don't think much of it, how long would it be until I would know.

Not thinking is the way to be. Thinking especially over thinking just causes pain and suffering. Ignorance is bliss only in some cases,

Bloodsimple, Otep, and Hellyeah

So last night for devils night CF and I drove up to Detroit to see a concert, I wanted to go see Otep plus it was the day that their new highly anticipated CD was released, even though I found a copy last week. I thought maybe they would sign them or do something cool. I didn't think I would be able to go because I would have been working except they cut my hours so I didn't have to, I asked CF if she wanted to go, she agreed to. We got there around 530 and we thought the doors were supposed to open at 630 but it ended up being later and there was a line so we sat at the bar and had some beers and talked and stuff, we ended up getting a little tipsy and into some good conversations. She said she had to call it off because she thought she was making me unhappy, I had to explain to her that I am just pretty much an unhappy person, I can't help it. I am just blah, it may be about time to watch John Q and see if I can still cry, I almost put in butterfly effect the other day cuz I saw it on tv, but thankfully I wanted Planet Terror since I downloaded it the other day...anyway I digress. I explained that I just don't really feel, I am not happy, I am not sad, I am not depressed, and I don't know why. She kept saying I needed to find something that makes me happy, something for myself. I try I like playing my guitar but only for a little while cuz then I only play the few things I know and then I get frustrated with it. I write sometimes but then I block, the only thing I had been somewhat excited about recently was getting my tat and watching it come around but that was only excitement.

We got into the place, it was trick or freak so people were dressed up, some good costumes, some bad ones. Bloodsimple was the first band, I liked them they rocked. I tried to stay back cuz I didn't want CF to get hurt but she said lets go up front so we got pretty close, there was quite a big pit so I tried to keep her safe. I took a couple pics and security yelled at me and came and asked me why I was taking pics, I just said because and they said I couldn't, bastards. For SIlverstein they just said I couldn't use my flash but whatever so I tried to sneak 2 of Otep that didn't look to come out so good. Otep was fucking awesome! Gawd she is pretty hot too! Crowd definately got rowdier. A couple guys dressed as slipknow came up and started banging around and got in front of us and kept squishing CF so I put a good elbow into the back of ones head, when I did I accidently punched a HUGE dude next to me in the side of the head so I quickly apologized to him, he said no prob he say what I did and said he was about to do the same. They guys in front settled down a bit, I told them between songs I am just trying to keep CF from getting smashed, if they wanna pit, get in the fucking pit! But on Oteps new album they cover Nirvana's Breed, I in most cases don't think any band should cover NIrvana though I believe it was Action Action when I saw them did a good cover and Oteps is great. Unfortunately they didn't sign autographs. we hung back a ways for Hellyeah cuz I know it was gonna get rougher since that was who everyone probably came to see, I like them but I went mainly for Otep and others probably didn't even know who they were. But HEllyeah kicked ass and said they were playing their whole album, we didn't stay for it all since we had a 2-2 1/2 hour drive back but we stayed for probably half the set. They said it was the first night of the tour so if they come near you definatly go check it out, it is a pure rock and fucking roll kick ass tour!

Happy Halloween everyone hope you are having fun, I am doing jack shit and probably just watching Ghosthunters live episode until 3am, hopefully my old ass can stay up for it. Last night my back and knees were killing me, I'm not as young as I used to be going to concerts every week and getting up at 630 the next morning!

Breakups are so cliche

We need to come up with new reasons for breakups. CF just broke up with me via myspace IM, she said she needs her space and time to herself and that kind of stuff. We need to come up with new reasons, not too much a big deal. Kelbel, guess ur advise came too late. I am not really upset because well if u read the rest obviously I was unsure but the thing that pisses me off is how things go down all at once. Lets say that I was madly in love, just for this scenerio. Monday I had a meeting for work, they cut my hours to shreds, I worked yesterday and don't work again until next weekend, not this weekend, the one next month. Because I haven't had time, I stayed up all night writing a paper for my damn Psychology class because I haven't had time between school and work, and today my girlfriend breaks up with me. HB, my uncle died, my great grandpa dies, then she breaks up with me. My exwife well she took everythting I paid for, my son and hooked up with her cousin. I mean COME ON! WHY! Now I know I am fucked up in the head, I have problems, I hate most of the world, but even though I hate most I am still respectful and nice to the world, I just talk a lot of shit. I shouldn't be destined to such bad fucking Karma, it comes in 3s. Seriously. I mean what we may have made it a month, hell, I don't think either of us know. I don't remember if I said in the last post or not but I don't even remember our first kiss cuz I was wasted at the bar....Nerves...lol. Thats how u know its not gonna be good if u don't remember ur first kiss or even when u started dating. I need to go buy me a blow up doll, I don't think I can marry my hand but maybe a blow up doll! Won't talk back, won't care if I don't show her my emotions, won't care if I look at other girls, won't care if I fuck other girls. At least it gives me something to bitch about, and maybe something good to write though I did come up with what I think is a good line while driving to work the other day about hanging my heart from a noose. I'm thinking about trying to tie it in to the next attoo I've been thinking about, of course I need to figure out how to pay my bill, save money for europe, and well buy groceries and all that happy horseshit! Well time to go downstairs and eat my parents food, I really feel like a college student, the ones you see on tv at least. Oh yeah my psych paper had to be on a school shooter and I kinda realized why I was a suspect for one....

Fuck this...

Yeah I have been way to fucking busy, like right now at midnight I should be writing a fucking Biology paper but I don't feel like it, I'll write it tomorrow, Thursday used to be MY day a day with no school but now I still have to work. This shit is starting to get to me a bit, not having any time for myself. Even being busy my mind still wonders to things I shouldn't be thinking about like the past or future. School is the same as always not too bad, I seem to being doing well in my classes except Biology since the teacher is a moron and I have no clue how I am doing. Work has its ups and downs, the guy I work for/take care of had an episode a couple days ago and was banging on shit and threw a hug fit and was threatning me and we all know I don't do well being threatened. I kinda got in his face and he was scared to be confronted cuz the rest of the people are small girls but as soon as I turned and backed off a bit he just got worse and was kicking cabinets and stuff, he never tried to touch me but I still think it made matters slightly worse so now I at least know he shouldn't try to touch me and not to confront him that much, he has been better and more respectful towards me since then though.

CF and I had a little chat online the other day, I think she is also scared by confrontation, I guess I am too if I am not the one initiating it. She asked me what I wanted out of this relationship, I hesitated for quite a while thinking. I don't remember what I said but mainly I just want to be happy, I like hanging out with her and talking to her, that was about it, I thought about saying a friend I could make out with and have sex with, I mean to put it plainly all I did was explain a friend, I left out the sex, then countered with what does she want, and typical woman just says for me to be happy. I told he that it shouldn't be at the expanse of her happiness, then said I needed to go to bed cuz I had to get up early for class. She says I don't open up to her and shit, to be honest I don't really feel emotions lately, I don't think I have time for it. I start thinking about stuff that kinda gets me down and stuff but I redirect myself towards schoolwork or seldomly play my guitar or the ever effective watch TV! To be honest I don't think it will last til New Years. But I feel bad because my son likes hers and stuff and it's gonna end awkward like everything else. But in my thinkings I don't think I am able to express emotions, I feel like I do because I am pretty up front and honest but my honesty doesn't really express well my emotions on my arm. I told her the other night I have a wall in my chest and I am not sure if there is a heart still in there or not. I don't think I am ready for a relationship yet at least not the kind I think she wants. I'll also keep repeating, I don't think any woman will measure up to HB or be able to fill that void. I hope that someday I will feel that way again, that instant connection, the love at first date type thing we had. And thats what bothers me, its not so much her, I am over the fact of what happened but after feeling like that I just wonder if its possible to come around again. Is it that we all have just one soul mate or do we have many? Will I experience it again or will I end up settling? Its always the questions that fuck us over. DO I dive in head first or wlk in slowly, do I stay here and try or move on? What if aliens abduct me tonight and shove huge satelite up my ass? does that make me gay? WHat if I ruled the world? QUestions...Fuck this I need to sleep!

Blurry Bday

So I guess my birthday was memorable. It started out my parents came out, I taught my dad to play beer pong and we won a couple games, then they left and hell broke loose. Ok so not really hell but I started to get fucked up. Only a few of my friends actually came out which kinda sucked but a bunch of hers came and some of them were old friends of mine. We played beer pong most the night. Then of course I had to do some keg stands and then just drink right from the tap. I remember almost getting into a fight with 2 of her friends who were being dicks and kept talking shit. My drunk ass just kept talking luckily I was able to control myself by talking to CF and a buddy, they left and then I don't remember much else. I woke up on the floor CF claims I threw up on her, I have a small recolection of throwing, well heaving, into a bowl. She had to go to work at like 10 the next morning when she left I moved myself to the bathroom where there was no sun and cuz I felt like I was still gonna get sick. I didn't but I did sleep on the floor in there for about 4 hours. Some how I ripped a huge hunk of skin off my thumb, I have no idea how or on what, no one does. CF said there was blood on her toilet from where I probably cut it then went in and lifted the seat to take a leak so we figure it was either in her bedroom or in the bathroom there. All in all it was a good time. I held it all in until like 4 or 5 am I think cuz the pics show me doing kegs stands at 330am, gawd bless timers on my camera and the fact that CF had my camera...lol.

Aside from that I have been busy as hell between school and work, I started working out again this week, I am sore as fuck! CF is getting annoying a bit, I barely have enough free time to do my homework and she wants to come over whenever I am home. Yesterday she called at 730am, while I was sleepin and asked if she could come over, I said I didn't care but I was sleepin til 10, so she came over and slept for a couple hours before I had to leave for school. I'll keep saying it, I don't understand why my heart is still so guarded, she is cool as shit, shes not bad looking, a little chunky but shes been running and stuff, shes always happy. And yet I don't know if I can see myself falling for her. Maybe I am gonna be unable to fall for anyone, maybe I can't put the pieces back together...

So the new job is going well so far, we'll see what I think after tonight though. The past 2 nights I have had someone there with me and tonight will be my first night on my own. I pretty much just hang out with a 40 some year old guy with mental handicap. It is pretty easy so far but I have been warned about when he blows up to watch out. He was acting up a bit yesterday and getting temperamental and trying to push my buttons. No different than my son except this guy could hurt me if he wanted, they said hes never hit anyone but still theres always a first time for anything. School has been going pretty good still, except I hate Biology which I have tomorrow, I don't remember if I went into it on here about how much of a stupid douchebag my teacher is or not. Last week I was really close to getting up and just beating the shit out of him for being a dumbass and pissing everyone off. I am sure if I would have gotten up and initiated it, the rest of the class would have followed. It was bad. He knows nothing and can only teach what he knows. He is not a people person and I want to make it my goal to get him fired if I had more time! But between school, work, hanging out with my girlfriend and my son and him playing soccer and flag football all my time is pretty well consumed at the moment. Although I have figured out that I have about an hour between school and work and since work is closer to school than home I will start working out at the gym at school in between. So thats one perk, the last 2 days I went straight from school to work only to sit in my car and try to take a nap until it was time to go in, he doesn't get home until 330 and we can't really clock in until 315 so I just sat. Going to be a busy weekend, gotta go get the keg tomorrow, get the kid tomorrow, have a small family get together I guess, then Saturday gotta take the kid for soccer, then drop him off with his mom and go start getting fucked up!! Then sometime I need to write a psychology paper thats due Monday. I would work on it today but I am busy doing all my Biology shit thats due tomorrow that I have no clue on what to do because as I said my teacher is an idiot! But whatever. I've been debating about how much of an ass to be on my Bday, I have to make it memorable since the last 3 have been, I need to keep the streak going... 22-was on stage at a strip club in front of people I worked with and striped and spanked, 23- Was almost shot going to dinner with Chris, DQ, and Zefyurs girl, 24-was the getaway with HB. See we got some good and bad mixed in there, I guess I'll start tame and if it starts to get too boring, I'll probably have to pick a fight with someone. CF was been trying to do way to much for this thing, she was going to drive to PA to get me some Yuengling but then ended up haveing to work so she tried to order it online but they called and said they couldn't send it or someshit, shes gonna pay for the keg which I suggested and was going to buy since its at her house and will probably get kinda trashed. She keeps talking about getting me something else. I feel like a dick, my son keeps asking about the last chicks little girls and when he can go play with them again. I had to tell him they are with their dad cuz I don't talk to her anymore, she was still pissed at me or something so I said whatever. I am afraid of this happening with CF too, it's not gonna work, but I think with her maybe we will still be able to be friends and hopefully the kids can still hang out. Who the hell knows. I just gotta keep on being honest to her and myself and see what happens. Well back to the homework...Yay! NOT!!

Quicky...

Just kind of a quick update. I had my 2 day orientation for the new job, it still seems cool, but it sucks I had to get my TB shot again and get it read before I can find out when I start actually working, I got the shot Tuesday and have to get it read today so I can finally call and hopefully start working soon as shit because I am broke as a joke and my bills are piling again! The fucking GI Bill is still fucking with me, they say I am only a 3/4 time student even though I have enough credits to be a full time student, full time would pay me an extra 200 a month which obviously I could really use! I keep telling myself that once I get the money from them things will start to get better cuz I wasn't making shit as a cook, barely enough to pay my car payment and insurance let alone my utilities and shit. But fuck it, I am trying, not much I can really do at the moment, I was trying to look for a guy strip club to see if they had amature night, I'd get drunk and go shake my wee wee for some money! WHo knows maybe I'd find a new carrer. Things with CF have still been going pretty good, shes been getting some drama from her ex but she just kinda gets upset for a couple minutes and shes right back to being happy and in a good mood, I wish I could do that shit. I don't remember if I mentioned it before but we are having a kegger at her house for my Bday, it should be fun as hell, I wanna teach my dad to play beer pong, I think that would be funny as shit. Speaking of my dad I need to go help him finish putting a roof on the garage, we tore it off yesterday. But figured I'd drop a line.

I had to say something...

So shortly after my last post, I went to work for my last day which was nice and short and pretty easy. I need to giver her a nickname or something now so lets go with.... CF cuz I am running out of nicknames I'll just use her initials, so CF is the girl from the previous post not to be confused with CG from a while ago. SO CF came up to work to see me, and before she left she asked if I got her text, I said no cuz I keep the ringers off at work and she said to check it when I got a chance. She sent me a text to ask me if I would go out with her, so being the smart ass I am I say where to buy me more time and she just said steady, I told her I'd call her after work. So I discussed my situation with my co-workers. Shes cool and everything but I'm still unsure about a relationship status, I mean I am not really a player or anything, if I am talking to or "seeing"(but not dating) someone, I am not usually making out with another chick or anything. So some of the guys at work made me see that it is pretty much the same thing except with a label. SO whats the big deal about a label, its not like marriage or moving in together or anything. So I called her and we hung out and I kept giving her shit about asking me out in a text and never actually gave her an answer. And what is the deal with women thinking sex and love go hand in hand.... HB told me she loved me while we were having sex for the first time, that I didn't mind because I was already in love with her... but last night after sex CF kinda mumbled something and I asked what and she just says I don't know if I can tell u yet and I am hoping to god that it was "I love you" and not that she has aids or clamidia or some shit like that! Just kiding I am 98% sure it was I love you, and if she does say it, I cannnot say it back. That makes me feel I am fucking with her emotions which I am not. I am far from ready to jump into another long term relationship, right now I just like hanging out, I enjoy her company, I don't mind being called her boyfriend or vise versa, but I am not to that level, maybe I will someday but right now I am not looking to plan a future with anyone! But yeah thats the case so far....

Here we go again....

So yeah, I started talking to this girl. Its weird cuz around here a lot of faces look familiar and I think I should know them, well she was kind of one of them but we didn't go to school together or anything so it wasn't that, then eventually she heard my last name. Well a long long time ago, My uncle went to her school(he is only a couple years older than me) I went to one of his football games and met this cheerleader and a band chick, I ended up making out with the band chick, well this chick was the cheerleader. I was like wow, thats funny. But she is really cool, she has 2 kids. I don't know what the deal is with all these chicks with 2 kids but whatever. A boy whos 7 I think and girl whos 10 or somewhere like that. I met them yesterday the girl was good but the boy had some temper and anger problems. He punched his sis in the face like 3 times. It was crazy. But the way I see it, its not like I'm going to move right in or anything so I'm thinking about giving her a shot. We went out the other night and had fun and hung out and stuff and the only thing that kind of bothered me is that she said she was nervous about meeting me again and stuff and about the butterflies in her stomach... I didn't have any butterflies and I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I mean I didn't go expecting anything other than meeting up with someone I knew a long time ago. She really digs me and I don't know what I think. Shes cool, she's not bad looking, shes good company, she talks quite a bit but not too much just enough to fill in since I don't talk a lot. I guess only time will tell. Just hang out and hope its stays cool like this. I am making her throw me a Bday party, shes got a preety nice house so I told her shes having a party.

On a different note today is my last day as a cook, I was supposed to have my orientation for my other job last Thurday but the changed it to this coming Thurs, so I got like 3 days off til then, I'll still have school but it will be kinda relaxing. Though I really need the money, I am running on change! And more bills keep coming in, I have no clue when I am gonna get my money for going to school but it needs to be soon!

As of late

So I was filling out another dumb myspace survey the other day while I was bored and it asked about a best friend, it kinda depressed me, I don't have a best friend anymore, hell I guess Dan here is my best friend, this blog is all I tell everything to anymore and he at least gives me some general comments back. Something about this place, I mean I have friends that I tell certain things to but I don't really have anyone who I can tell everything to without fear of being judged anymore. I don't remember the last time I talked to Chris but when I tried it was just het how are things, good, and general bullshit and that was it. He's probably better friends with HB now anyway since his wife and her are friends and they live closer and shit. It is sad though. I have been doing good, I am more comfortable with myself and everything and don't really care what happens, I know I am going to survive and be ok, but I miss having that one person who you can bear your darkest secrets with. I had Chris then he left and I had HB but now theres no one, I mean my closest and the person I trust the most is SM's brother who I've been hanging out with maybe once a month or so, I feel good talkin with him but thats few and far in between too, plus he just found out his girlfriend is pregnant and shit so I doubt he'll be going out much. The guys from work we just drink and BS there isn't real deep conversation there. I really miss CHris!! We were like brothers on the same lines, we had the fucked up sense of humor and yet we were the "nice guy" who always got fucked over. He tried to help me out with HB but I just kinda ignored it, I mean I tried but with all the other shit that was happening, I just got fucked up. Oh well ther I go dwelling on the past again. I have been doing great on not really thinking about that shit except I have been trying to write a couple songs. I thought about posting them on here but I doubt it, one of these days when I am off Wednesday or Thurday I am going to try to put the lyrics to a melody and play some shit on my guitar. I really want to start or be in a band, all I need is the talent and well someone to teach me how to play better. I work on my voice everyday in my car, I have got the screaming to sound a lot better and I think the vocal parts have been getting better toi, it really has helped to quit smoking, I can hear the difference from before. But whatever, I need to go to bed soon cuz I got school early tomorrow.

New Job....?

So yeah I may be putting in my 2 week notice today. I had an interview Tuesday for a place that I thought was more geared to medical stuff, I filled out the application with all the others I was doing but all the job seems to entail from my interview is you go hang out with mentally handicap people. My buddy from the Navy does this in New York except he works at a group home and he loves it. Here they live on their own and you just go hang out for a couple hours, take them bowling or go to the movies and shit and get paid for it! They said there are some that you have to give them medication and stuff but a lot of them can do everything on their own. It is less hours but a little more an hour raise and they said I'd get a raise after so long. But the drop ins they were telling me about were like 4-8 which would be good for my school schedule plus I wouldn't be working late, It's just been over a week and I can see myself getting burnt out kinda fast. I have been trying to get as many hours at work as I can cause I really really need the money right now until I get the money for my GI Bill, they screwed up my financial aid so I had to pay 300 for my books and shit and I'm not sure if I have to pay the 7-800 for this EMT class or not, I just have no clue what is going on...but anyway I have been working late and Tuesdays and Fridays I have to be at school early with not much sleep. I am pretty tired and cranky right now but I can't sleep cause I got some homework to do and then gotta leave for work at 4. It sucks! So the schedule will be better, the pay an hour better but probably be getting less hours so smaller check, I won't relly be working, I won't be sweating my ass off all night slaving in a kitchen. SO I have been trying to decide, I think I am gonna put in my 2 week notice today and let them know whats going on and stuff just in case I wanna come back or whatever. I like the job though I do get irritated at times with how busy and rushed everyone gets and then people start to get hostile, I don't really like that, I try to remain calm and take things one at a time then someone comes over yelling and getting up in my grill(get it) then I get mad and so on. But I go for orientation for the mew place on Thursday, they seem to want to get me in as soon as possible which is great except I may have to try to work both for a week which I think would be impossible so I think I'll put my 2 weeks in today and then tell the other place next wek that I just need to wait a week to start or depending on my scedule what days I have off. I dunno hopefully everything will work out, I guess I'll see!! Well off to do some homework!