Home...?

So lets start with Friday nights fuck ups. SO went and hung out with some friends ended up getting trashed in a different town. Don't remember all the details, my buddy almost got into a fight with someone, I ended up keeping him out of it. The apparently someone kept talking shit to me, but I just blew him off calling him a dumbass, then we ended up walking around town and deciding to go to church. We walked to the tall thing we saw in the sky and assumed was a church, it ended up being city hall, thankfully it was locked up tight... we tried every door, pounding on them... I passed out on a strangers couch, luckily friends were there too. I made myself puke a couple times to try to feel better but didn't work. I was supposed to go see SAliva agin but didn't happen. I took a nap and caffine pills, made me feel better in time for work.

I keep thinking about it and wondering why I end up doing stupid shit and drinking in excess. Obviously its plagued me on here plenty times before. I recently even thought about going straight edge since I have quit smoking but we all know that I will not give up alcohol completely, especially since I am planning on going to Oktoberfest. But I do need to learn self control. Most of the time the first step to recovery is hitting rock bottom, I never have. I have fucked up quite a bit but I have never really lost it all. This could be, plus the times since I have been back to Ohio are usually when I have nothing to do or anything to come home to. Like when I don't have my son. I have had my time to party and shit before I came back, I don't understand why its not out of my system.

While I was thinking about this on my way home from work tonight, I was listening to Foo Fighters newest album and the last song "Home" came on. It got me thinking that I don't remember the last time I felt home anywhere. Honestly I can't. Obviously I live somewhere, I haven't ever actually been homeless but while I was a teen, I couldn't wait to move out and be "free". The house I lived in was not my home even though I lived there for 17 years, it was more like a prison for me. Then I bounced places with my soon to be ex-wife, a couple apartments, living with her aunt a couple times. Then there were different places and obviously never making myself to much at home, always planning on moving.And even here now, I am hoping to someday get a better job and get a house. Could this have something to do with my excess.... probably not its probably a mix of many things, but it could be. Its probably just a scapegoat that I could use. But just thoughts... Its something I need to be more conscious about and not give in to the temptation, maybe only take a couple bucks with me or something. Friday started out ok but then there were shots and more drinks and then we somehow had a bottle and was drinking out of it, that Disarono... shit is good!! Anyway.... Lets see if I can actually change or what...

It all falls apart

Fuck I think of things I wanna blog about and then once I get to my computer I forget. I guess all the drugs I did in High school did do something to my memory. My life is really starting to get on my fucking nerves. During the days when I have my son it isn't too bad, we go to the park we play games and have fun and I forget my misery for most the day. But once he is in bed I sit in front of the TV and think about how lonely I am, how I only have 3 friends that I still don't confide in... how I miss my old friends! I just want to run away!! This fucking town sucks!!! There is nothing to do, the people are fucking stupid, and there are no jobs, no way to fucking move up! This is not a place to live, its a fucking death trap! I escaped once only to get drug back to it. The sacrifices we make for our children. I actually have no fucking idea how I am still managing to function. I have the emmence fucking desire to just go fucking get messed up on every drug I can find and wander the earth in a stupor. I guess its all for my son, our relationship is finally going good and he have been having fun and everything, now if only I could keep him doing good in school next year. What the fuck is with all these storms going across the country? We were at a cook out last weekend and just out of nowhere the winds picked up and dark clouds rolled in. We finished eating and put everything away and then it got calm as hell and then sirens started going off and by time we ran into the garage a wall of fucking rain and wind hit us...hard. It was crazy! I need to get away but don't really have the money for it. Hell I don't really have money for food, I realized the other day, I made some spanish rice that it is the third thing I have cooked on the stove in the year I have lived here. I cook pizza, eggs, and that rice. Everything else I can make in the microwave. I miss cooking, I miss having a bigger place, I miss having fucking money, I miss my old life!! I hate bitching about this over and over again, but its all that really goes through my head. How much I hate this shit, I try to make it better, make due with what I have, try to be happy but it all falls apart.

school....?

I haven't been thinking about blogging much lately, obviously the last couple post are all the same. So has all my days, bitch, moan, don't do much, and repeat. I've been poppin caffine pills, thats helped on curving my appetite so I'm not eating all the time. They aren't as fun as when I was a teenager and poppin them though.... I've been drinking those rockstar energy drinks since I am a rockstar and cause they taste good and give ya a good fucking kick in the heart, but they are not on sale anymore so I ended up buying a bottle of caffine pills to replace them. Cheaper and last a lot longer. But they just aren't the same, oh well. I've been thinking more about goin on for my RN instead of going on for an intermediate EMT since well I apparently can't get a job as one. But I figure with my luck I'll end up becoming an RN and the national health care thing will fuck that up for me.... Story of my fucking life waste my time money and everything to get something I want only to have my hopes fucking shattered. Love life, professional life, personal, everything sucks ass!!! Obviously my self-loathing is still nice and healthy, the one thing I can count on. I did get a haircut last week, I ended up bleaching it and spiking it up. I think it looks pretty good. But who knows, my opinion doesn't matter... ANyway back to school.... I was happier in school, it got me out, gave me something to do, I enjoy using my mind and I haven't used it since. So it has all that going for it. I'm prob gonna call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment for wednesday before I go to work to see how much I'd have to do after all my military shit. Hopefully it won't be too much. My plan was to be an EMT while I was in school though so I would be able to apply everything instead of only using books. I am better in hands on shit, oh well.

I have decided that even if Uncle Tom can't get together I am going to Oktoberfest this year. It will be my birthday present to myself. I hope that Tom gets some time off and I can visit with him and they can come with my but if not I'm still going.

Where is my mind...

My brain has been on vacation for some time now... And while it is away my body has been exibiting signs of depression. I have been having a hard time sleeping, I stay up til usually around 3, doing absolutly nothing. Nothing is on TV after 12, so I play games or surf myspace on the computer. I eat about 1 meal a day with a snack, which is a great contrast to my usual stuffing of my face, the meals I eat are usually a TV diner and a ramen noodle pack and about 3 liters of water. I don't really do anything all day, I get out of bed sometime between 11 and 2, go watch TV, try to work out but only end up doing some crunches, maybe lift my dumbells, then go back to TV. I haven't really felt depressed, I really haven't felt anything other than boredom. I pick up my guitar and play the same chords and little things over and over again. I have been craving alcohol and other drugs, I just wanna get fucked up, at least make not doing anything into an adventure or something. But as long as I don't leave my house I am unable to get my hands on such substances... I am not too much of a shut in, I went out Sat to watch UFC with my buddy and kept my cool, only had 3 beers and talked to a couple girls(nothing really interesting)... DUI is not the way I want to break the monotony, and as for the drugs, my luck after I poped or smoked anything is when I would get a call for an EMT job and not be able to pass a piss test, because that is my luck! But damn I have been out of the military for over a year and still haven't got stoned! At least I can stay strong in something.

But today was my sons last day of school, so I gotta call tomorrow and figure out when he's gonna come stay with me for the summer. I need to get some better food in the house for him, and will have to be getting up earlier to get him breakfast. Hopefully that will pick me up and get my mind back from its vacation.

Tryin to keep the clouds away...

SO I mentioned just a post or 2 about being glad to be keeping out of depression... Well it seems to keep getting closer and closer, like a storm on the horizon, I see the darkness and just keep hoping that maybe it'll end up just being clouds and the storm will pass without unleashing its fury on me. I think its just because the weather is getting cooler again and just kinda crappy and that leaves me stuck in the house, I am upset about spending money and working hard to be an EMT and can't get a job as one, I am begining to hate my job or at least the people I work with. I hate sitting here at home, my few friends are always at work, I seem to sleep til exactly 1130, that is when I roll over and look at the clock, I hate that when I play my guitar I always end up doing the same rhythm, I hate that I am not working out as much because I am not going to the gym, I hate that there is never anything good on TV, except for House and now that's over for the season. I hate that all of these things leaves me with my thoughts and they keep questioning me as too why I am alone, why I don't do something or make new friends. I hate that I get all these feelings but when I sit to write either here or in my notebook all that comes out is "I am Lonely". And the thing is I don't feel this way all the time. Most the times I am pretty happy I get up, see whats on, try to work out a bit, hit my punching bag, eat shower, check tv and computer, read a bit, play my guitar a bit... This is the begining to almost everyday and it quickly becomes monotonous, just like everything in my life. I think about going out, but then I spend money that I don't have and then I end up sitting by myself usually and feeling worse then if I just sat here.

I just need to become a rockstar and get my son and hit the road for the summer. Fuck Ohio, fuck the monotony, fuck boredom!!

Idiot.... Gosh

Fucking piece of shit "supervisor", yes I use quotations because it is only a fucking title, he is stupid and incompetant, doesn't know what the fuck to do and is unable to take fucking charge of shit!! I have grown to like the guy I work with and help take care of but the other people that work in the house are slower than him! I woke up nice and early this morning, the first time in quite a while. I haven't been sleeping too well but I've been sleeping til 1130 or so because well I don't have shit to do and I am up late fuckin around. But I have a meeting this morning so I wake up early get some breakfast and an energy drink and start my fucking day off, the only thing I have to do is a fucking meeting at 10. Lucky for his bitch ass I only live 2 blocks from the office, so I walked, I haven't moved my car since I worked Monday since gas is up to almost $4. So I get over there and sit for a while and people start coming in for a different meeting, so I called my "supervisor" and ask if the meeting was canceled. He says yeah, I said well thanks for calling me, I am at the office. He says he wrote it down at the house. I told him I haven't worked since Monday, remember you made the fucking scedule, gave me these shitty hours!! FUckin dumbass!!! So now I am gonna end up pissed and cranky all day because I didn't get much sleep and its started off pretty shitty.

On other news before I left I got to watch my beardies hump, at least someone is getting action in here! I'm not sure if I'm gonna get eggs this year. Homer is smaller than Marge, and the humping I saw, it didn't look like his hole could reach hers. But he humped for about a minuter then kinda fell asleep still biting her. It was funny as shit... I hope I get eggs!! Well since I am up I might as well do laundry and try not to kill anyone....

Grandpa...ME!?

Thats right in a couple months I may end up a grandfather. No my 6 year old son hasn't been gettin jiggy with anyone... DO the kids still say that? My bearded dragons are growing up and mating... I guess we named them right cuz Homer has been humping Marge. It started last week. Homers been going crazy running around, then I saw him biting Marges neck, so I seperated them and was mad. Well the next day he was on her back biting her. I seperated them again, then thought, hey it looked like he was humping her. So I went through my books and read that the male will bite the female on the neck to keep her from getting away... like father like son I guess...lol. But so yeah who knows in a month or so I might have some eggs, then a couple months later have some babies!! Hopefully someone in the family will take one or 2, so I can visit my grandkids, but the rest will get sold to the Pet store, I asked them today and they said they would buy them. They were sellin them for 60, I wonder how much they'll pay me. Hell I could use the money.

Any readers please recomend some books for me to read! I spent an hour at our crappy ass library looking for a good book to read. I went with a list but they didn't have any of them, so I walked up and down the non-fiction section and couldn't find anything that looked good. I need a Borders, they always has it set up so something would catch my eye. Sometimes I miss the city life! Our bookstore is a shitty little shop in the mall, it is barely a step up from the library's selection but I can't really afford to spend much cash. I guess gas prices jumped up again today, it is fucking rediculous! I've been walking as much as I could but its been rainy and cold lately, today has been the first nice day in bout a week! I'll probably go out rollerblading here tonight. Maybe try some grinding or jumps. My new blades are heavy as shit sompared to my old ones though. I just need some practice. I used to be good, jump trash cans and shit. I've never really grinded though, I've always been to scared of busting my balls.

But think I'm gonna update my mp3 player and watch some tv for a bit. I got a long boring week, nothing to do til Saturday when I work. Still no book and my damn cousin hasn't lent me those movies yet!!

Happy mama's day and I am still pretty evil...

So I just finished the Heroin DIaries, and the rest of the book is great, such a beautiful tradgedy. I have been coming up with pretty good lyrics and stuff lately, but I still can't fucking play and sing. I keep trying but as soon as I say 2 words I am off on my rhythm, it is hard as hell, the only one I can do is Johnny Cash- Hurt for some reason, but I can't do anything original. But later today I am going to take that book back to my cousin and borrow the new season of Entourage, he got me addicted to that show, it is pretty good. I just like the idea of one of my friends becoming rich and famous and being able to mouch off them! Obviously if I was the rich one I'd take care of my friends too. I've always said that I don't really care about money as long as we're having a good time. The only thing there would be as long as there is money set back for my son. But anyways now I finished my book and am bored, I need to find a new one. Nikki mentioned some in his book that he read while he was fucked, so maybe I'll pick up some of them. Or I've always thought about Dontes Inferno, I took a quiz about it, apparently I am still evil...

But it's mama's day and I need to get ready to hang out with family. Later


The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Extreme

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

The heroine Diaries

SO my dad said that the people across the street parked fucked up yesterday taking up all the space so after they left he did it, so apparently no verbal or physical altercations which is good cuz my dad would destroy all the punks that live there, it would be pretty funny to watch.

I am reading Nikki Sixx book, The Heroine Diaries the book is awesome! Seriously! I mean its fucked up but its nice to know that people go through some of the shit you've been through and you know its real and its got commentary after most entries about how the people feel today about it. It is crazy, dark , demented, and beautiful! I am really digging it! And I know I mentioned before his band Sixx:AM that he did a soundtrack to it that is equally as kick ass!! And I will be seeing them at Cruefest in Indy!! If you don't know who Nikki Sixx is, he's the bassist from Motley Crue and the book is diaries and scaps of peper he kept while he was living the rock and roll lifestyle and fighting his heroine addiction. Plus the graphics are great fucked up sketches, that I may be able to find my next tat out of! This book has helped me realize and analize parts of my life like I usually do way to much but I did realize that in my situation it is a big step that I have not really been depressed. I have been bored and lonely and kinda scared about my and my sons future but I have not been depressed and that is pretty cool. Now I just need to work on some confidence and motivation to fight and find me a better job and maybe a woman, even if they are trouble, I enjoy the company and entertainment. GAWD I wish I was a rockstar! Someday!!

Let the drama begin...

SO I was at work today and my mom called, I knew that she knew I was at work so I thought something was wrong, but she left me a message that my dad wanted me to park in the driveway, I thought ok whatever. Well I got home and dad had his 2 cars and moms car in front of the house spaced out so no other cars could fit, so apparently one of the neighbors pissed him off. It never good when someone pisses him off. Its weird cuz usually the people across the street hog the parking but most of them are college kids and gone now, there are only a couple left. I kinda wanna go down and ask but they are asleep so I am stuck waiting til tomorrow to find out what the hell is goin on. We've talked about doing it before but I told him no because they could do the same thing to us while we're at work. I am usually the one who gets fucked cuz I don't get home til 1130 when I work. But I am sure this will start a neighborhood war of some sorts and as I said my dad isn't one to piss off. He's like me calm and stuff most the time but has a bad temper. But more to come probably tomorrow...

Schools out for Summer...

SO I finished my finals yesterday!! I should have passed both that I went to. I am pretty sure I failed my Ethics class though. I guess I have none... Here's my beef with that though. SO I tried the last half of it, but the teacher kept giving me shitty grades on my papers. These papers have no right or wrong answers, I gave my opinion and even on the tests and quizzes, the questions have no right answers...NONE!!! But she still gave me failing grades!!What the fuck! And most of the questions weren't ethical, it all came down to what the protocol for the place you are working in has!! There were questions on the final about if a retired doc was dying and asked for a lethal dose of morphine... Obviously don't do it and refer them to Kavorckian! Stupid shit! But anways so today was my first day of summer. I got my new rollerblades, they are too small but I am stuck with them because they were the biggest size I could get, they are 12 1/2 and I need 13, hopefully I can break them in and they will be ok, or I can just cut a little hole for my big toe. I tiook them out and started to go around town and it started to rain so I had to come back home. I picked up my guitar for a while. I wish I could post some of the things I came up with online but I can't. I tried to do it on that pohone in thing on the side but it sounds like shit and you can't really hear it. I might head out here in a bit I think it stopped raining, go do my tagging... I need to start a rollerblade gang! I used to kinda have one when me and my friends would tear up the town. While I was out earlier I found some places I can try grinding but I need to find someone with a camera that way if I get hurt I can put it on scarred or americas funniest videos so I can get some money out of my pain. Mom was asking me about it today I told her I haven't broke anything yet and she reminded me of when I almost broke my arm and fucked my face up but of course I said almost only counts in horeshoes and hand gernades. But I am gonna go watch NOFX show and maybe go tear it up.

Cabin Fever!

I am in one of my moods, where I usually get myself in trouble. I think I have cabin fever or something. I am just going crazy. This is the feeling I used to get before I'd go out and get drunk and do stupid shit. I've been thinking about calling up my cousin and getting some illegal substances, why the fuck not I might as well fucking escape my reality for a little while. But no I have to resist. I've thought about buying some Beam and just chugging, but no I don't need to be doing that either. I've thought about going up to the bar but then I'll probably get drunk and since I am alone and feeling like this I'd probably start a fight. It sucks, I hate this fucking feeling. I am restless but have no one to talk to or anything to do. I've been surfing the internet almost all day. I went walking around town earlier. I tried to call my only 2 friends who were at work to hold my own intervention, they just got off and 1 said he was too tired and the other is workin overtime. I've played my guitar for like 2 1/2 hours, my fingers are killing me, and my hand is cramped. I was hitting my punching bag earlier.

While I was walking, I was thinking bout the past. I oredered new rollerblades online since my old ones broke, they should be here next week and I will probably be rollerblading around town all night. Its nice out! But anyways I walked by places I used to shred up when I was younger, the coffee shop I used to hang out at, the places uptown that used to be cool to hang out at, the eternal flame me and a buddy put out, and thought about how I always go through cycles of only a few friends. I know I need more, I can't always rely on the 2 I got but, they are good ones. They don't do drugs, they drink but not a lot, they keep me out of most trouble, where most of my older friends kinda fed into it. I don't know. I think I'm gonna go for another walk and prob stop up at the bar and maybe have a drink, maybe it will calm me down a bit. What the hell else am I gonna do. I haven't been sleepin well. Hopefully I won't get into trouble. I need to get my blades quick so I can burn off this energy!! Walking isn't as fun!

**update**

So I went for my walk and stopped up at the bar, there were some people from high school, no one I really got along with, no hot chicks so I got 1 drink and then kept walking. I ended up at the library. It is an old fort from the Indian days, there are 2 cannons that sit on the hill, facing the rivers, 2 rivers meet right there. The area has been underwater quite a bit this year. We even made CNN! Looking at the old cannons where everone has carved stuff into, even I had a couple times, I decided that I am gonna get a white out pen and a marker and I am gonna start tagging things with this website. Why not? Most anyone who will come will probably be teenagers, hopefully not the stupid ones. I have been trying to be somewhat of a mentor to all my younger cousins, let them know that even though things seem dire at that age, its not the end of the world. Life isn't all smiles and sunshine for me either, but its not worth moping around or hurting youyrself over, you know. Who knows maybe I can help other youths. But thats my plan of attack for now... And I stayed out of trouble!

Wrong number...

So lately since I have no reason to get up early other than my 11 oclock classes which means I have to be up by 10, I sleep in and its nice. Well here at 830 this morning my phone rings and wakes me from sleep, I didn't recognize the number so I answered it hoping it was about a job or something. They say hey and what am I doin and I sound rough, I said I just woke up and asked who they were. There was a silence and then they asked who I was. I said you fucking called me, who the fuck are you, and they hung up. Now this of course got my blood boiling and I couldn't go back to sleep. People do that all the time, they call the wrong number, start talking and then ask who they are talking to. What is their problem with introducing themselves and saying "Sorry I have the wrong number" like that is fucking hard. So now I am debating on whether or not to call the number back around midnight or 1 and ask who it is then, but then I may start a war or something and the person either sounded like a chick who smoked 2 packs a day or a boy going through puberty, and either way not really people I want to deal with. So my best bet will probably be to let it go. fuckers!

So my finals are monday, then no more class and I get to be bored like this all week long with my shitty work scedule. I crunched numbers and will probably keep this scedule through the summer though so I can spend it with my son. It sucks cause it's gonna eat up bout half my savings but I need to spend more time with him. Hopefully sometime this summer some place will need EMTs and I will be ready. I am really getting tired of my job, not because of the guy I take care of but the other people are pissing me off. There are chores that need to be done everyday, and the guy is supposed to do them, not us, well he is slow and doesn't do a great job. Well apparently people think I am supposed to do them and because it isn't spotless that we didn't do them and they leave bitchy notes and I just want to set them all on fire and laugh, except for the guy we take care of of course, hes been cool lately.

So my son has been saying how girls were gross and stuff, I showed him a pick of his first kiss, he was like 2 and crawled up on my exs friends girl and kissed her and I had a pic of it. He said he wasn't gonna kiss another one and I made a video of him betting me 1,000 he wouldn't kiss another one before he turned 16. This was on saturday. Yesterday, Tuesday, he called me and told me he asked his mom if he could have a girlfriend and she said he had to call and ask me. I said sure go ahead...lol. I told him though instead of him paying me 1,000 he just had to buy his own car. I figured I saved and paid 1,000 for my first car so can he. He was saying that a boy in his class thought a girl was sexy and his mom started yelling that he can't say sexy and stuff... When I was his age or close to it, I remember talki9ng about fucking girls. I think thats when I started grabbin girls asses and had a girlfriend who would wear a dress and we would swing and I would jump off the swing and look up her dress, that was somewhere around 1st or 2nd grade. And he is my son, soooo who knows. Gotta get ready for my last class before finals, we get to watch a movie...yay!

Saliva and Sevendust

SO yeah yesterday my buddy told me he was going over to Fort Wayne to see Saliva and Sevendust and asked me if I wanted to come. Of course I wasn't a hard sell, I was like hell yeah I aint doin shit anyway. It was him, his bro, and me in his truck and he had 3 other friends in another one. Well a couple of his friends in the other truck were already drinking alot (not the driver though) So we get there and in and they have chicks going around with trays of test tube shots at this place. They buy 2 trays, we do them and like 20 minutes later they want us to get another one, so we did and one of them was fucked! So I spent most of the opening bands trying to keep him from getting his ass beat and out of trouble. The opening bands were Overscene and Neverset, they were pretty good, unfortunately I couldn't give them my full attention. Same with Saliva because he kept disappearing and we had to try to find him, he was at the bar trying to get more drinks when he was out of money and couldn't get a card out. Thankfully they took him home at that point. So my buddy and his bro were back by the bar all night they didn't wanna get beat up or whatever, they are pretty big boys, almost my height and at least 50lbs on me. SO I was up bymyself for Sevendust, the guitarists kept trying to throw me guitar picks but they kept hooking and falling short. I was right up front there was like 3 people in front of me maybe. SO I went back and made my buddy come up, it took some talking and calling him a pussy and pulling him but he was happy when we got up there, we weren't getting shoved that much the pit was kinda close but not too close. The singer ended up throwing me a hand towel that I caught, then I ended up getting a pick finally but I gave it to my buddy for inviting me and coming up front with me. It was a good time. Unfortunately they wouldn't let cameras in. Oh yeah we did get to see some titties waiting for the encore, some chicks got up and was flashing. That kinda made the night just that much better...lol. Good times!

Your Vegas, Fiction Plane, and The Bravery

Sorry its taken so long but I have been busy as hell and I'll probably come back later to bitch more about that.

So Friday I went up to Toledo to take my EMT test, it sucked and I was very unsure about all of it, but I found out yesterday that I did pass!! It took me less than an hour and I had to kill 7 hours before the show. SO I drove around it was beautiful out, I found a shopping center and walked around it, I got to chill in a bookstore, it wasn't a borders or barnes and noble though so it wasn't as cool. I didn't find any books that grabbed my attention. I drove around trying to find others but couldn't find any, only bad neighborhoods so I went to the venue which had a bar attached that recently opened so I of course had some drinks while waiting. It was a good atmosphere, I played the video quiz thing for a while, trying not to drink too much.

First up was Your Vegas who was really good, the crowd dug them, I just hate how most people at shows don't really get into the opening acts since they don't really know them. I was jamming as usual. I also made some friends with some girls, so I was slightly distracted. And some underage chicks kept trying to get me to buy them drinks like I was a retard or something, dumbasses.

Next was Fiction Plane, By this time I made my was to center stage with my new friends. We were dancing and having a good time. Again people weren't getting into it, I never heard of anyone but the bravery but that doesn't mean that you can't show the band you dig them. The band definatly noticed my tall ass up front having a good time. The singer came over and gave me five and the drummer threw me a drum stick. I wanted to get it signed but they didn't come over to the merch table...

The bravery of course kicked ass yet again! I was pissed at myself I didn't charge my camera before I left and my battery kept dying when I was trying to take pics, I did get a few but most were blurry apparently it didn't want to use its antishake. Of course everyone was jumping, dancing and having a great time for the bravery. They mostly played songs from their new album but did play a couple from their self titled. They didn't turn the lights up so we stuck around waiting for an encore but then they started tearing down. I was kinda mad, but oh well. It was still a great show as I expected. Well back to homework, I will prob be back later with a bitchy post...

I'm a loser....

SO I didn't win gambling. I lost 200, my parents ended up breaking out even. They lost a shitload yesterday but dad won big today, he ended up winning about 1000, after spending some more he said he was even. I lost 100 quick yesterday so then I went to the pool and hot tub and soaked for a while, then I got bored and went back out and won some of it back but then I lost it all today.

In other news, my substance abuse teacher thinks I should be a writer, we had papers due last weeks about an article she handed out. The article was about keeping drugs illegal but the writer was a dumbass and all I did was explain how stupid he was and how sick it made me to think that someone like him got paid to write shit like that. I explained that I write blogs and stuff and don't get paid shit for it and my writing is way better than his. She said that I should write, I asked her if she was gonna pay me for it but she said no...

So tomorrow I go to take my test!! And see the Bravery again. I am seriously thinking about getting a motorcycle, I wish I could get a harley but I'll probably get a little POS hopefully a little better than a moped. Gas is up almost to 350 now, I am tired of it!! It is rediculous. If I spend 1 or 2 grand it should pay for itself in miles per gallon by the end of summer, I just need to get a motor liscense and crap. I'll prob go shop around next week since I work this weekend. But thats all for now, I'll prob post some pics and stuff from the concert sometime this weekend.

Ups and downs

Like usual I have been in a slump, just feeling BLAH!!!! yes with exclamation. My online class is going horribly, I am gonna fail and my teacher hates me, she told me to drop it before I failed but I didn't get the message til after it was too late, she pretty much nicely called me a piece of shit and pissed me the hell off but I have to try to at least get a D- and pass! I passes my EMT final today!!!! Now I just have to take the National registry, I'm gonna try to do it Friday cuz its up in toledo and I'm going up friday anyway to see the Bravery again! I am excited for that but again I am goin alone and that kinda sucks! I need my concert buddies! In DC for the screaming bands I had Chris, and the others I could usually talk Uncle Tom or Canowine to go with me, then when they left I could usually drag HB to most of them, here my few friends work 2nd and can't go unless its a sat night and I either have to work or have my son on weekends. But whatever, I am a loner and will survive, who knows maybe I'll talk to someone...HA yeah right, the problem here is most are little teenie boppers. but whatever. Tomorrow is my parents anniversary, I am taking them to the casino to gamble, since that is all they really like to do is get away. So hopefully we will all win money! I need to start working on my resume again and find a better job as an EMT!! I Am now gonna have tuesdays to myself, but I am getting nervous with school ending, my other classes end in May and that means no more GI bill money, thats what has been paying my bills!! So I definately need a better job and might have to keep the one I have now and work nights or something, I can't beat getting paid to sleep. It shouldn't be too bad since I won't need to write papers or do homework anymore.... But those are the few things stresin me at the moment, hopefully all will continue to fall into place. Or better yet I win a shitload of money tomorrow and find another hot chick who also won a shitload and we live happil ever after!!! Well I would like to complain about more but I need to write a paper and sign up for my national test!

Aggrevating day!!

Well it started bad because I had to get up at 7, I hate getting up before 9. Got up, got ready adn stuff for school. My dad brought me a package from Uncle Tom that came yesterday with shot glasses and some sweets. That was the best part... Went to school, there are a couple annoying people in my class and they were extra annoying all day long. I was starting to get pissed. I passes our skills and only have one more class left for that. SO it was pretty nice out so I decided to go to our state park to run outside, well my headphones kept falling out of my ears and making me slow down, almost fell once and well just pissed me off! SO I come home and have papers to write. I wrote one and decided to check on my online class because I slack on it and find out I am on the line of failing and had a paper due the other day so I bullshitted my way and turned it in late. My computer has been acting up lately, it will say its loading web pages forever and never actually load them. I have been scanning and doing all kinds of crap to fix it somehow. I went to check my phone and for some strange reason I don't have service in my house, I hope its just a temporary thing with a tower or something. I am also looking for the best headphones to run with, I think I need some old school ones with the headband. But I tell you what I could go for a Beam and coke about now. Well I gotta get back to scanning some more to fix this piece of shit!!

Ludo

Yesterday I saw a video on Fuse for a band called Ludo, The video is "Love Me Dead" Check it out....



I just finished watching them online, performing in San Antonio for a final four thing. They finished with a cover of Faith No More- Epic, that was funny and cool! I got their CD yesterday and listened to it quite a bit today, it is GREAT!! Pick up "You're Awful, I Love You"!! It is good rock, funny lyrics, great sound. I have a couple songs on my player on the side, you just have to scroll down to the bottom.

Rememberance

SO tomorrow marks a year since my uncle died and the begining of the worst month of my life. I thought about looking back and reading but to be honest I am afraid to. I went to his grave today for a while. I miss him, he could have had such a better life if he wouldn't have kept doing fucking drugs. And What did I do to mourn his death, I solate myself and drink more, when I was already drinking quite a bit. Only to be hit again by my great grandpa dying. I remember the funerals, I remember the long drives back and forth from MAryland to Ohio. I remember leaving directly from my uncles funeral and having to drive to be back and at work the next day and having the guy chasing me and being a dick, I remember the rage inside of me and planning the way I would beat the person to death, visualizing his blood on my hands. I remember the tears streaming down my face. I remember them playing taps at my grandpas funeral. I remember the sloppy way of the old men folding the flag. I wanted to knock them out of the way and fold it right, but remembering they were old and couldn't move as sharp as they once could. I remember being upset that they handed it to my uncle. I wonder if this April is going to be as bad.

Of course nothing is really new for me. I got my hair cut today. I don't look like a bum as much. I've been playing with my loop pedal and my guitar, I tried to put some on the snapvine on the side but it doesn't sound too good from the amp to the phone, it sounded good though. I liked it. I keep trying but I am not talented enough to sing and play. I have been writing quite a few songs lately but I can't sing em, I can't make up a melody for some reason. I guess I just don't have the talent. Not that its gonna stop me though. Who knows maybe I'll find people to help me put it all together. I could be like Nikki Sixx and write and play and have someone else sing, I can scream back up or something. I can at least dream. Speaking or dreams, I have ben having crazy ones about my exwifes family trying to get me and shit. I haven't seen or talked to them. And there was one where I was leaving a military base and was attacked by a panther that was trying to eat me. He was knawing on my legs.