Spring break plans

SO Spring break is coming up pretty fast, I've never actually done anything for spring break ever. But since I am now a college man...lol, whatever I just need a fucking break from everything. MY mind is constantly bugging me and I have to do a million different things, granted most are because I want to but I feel obligated to myself to do them. SO I have been planning on going away for spring break, my plans have changed about 100 times. First I was gonna go to England to see Uncle Tom but thats not happening, maybe for Octoberfest. Then I was thinking about Texas to see Chris but I don'tr even talk to him anymore...ever. So whats the point in trying, he's got a completely different life now and is expecting a baby soon so I'm not doing that. I think I finally decided I am just driving to a beach and either sleeping on it or in my car if it gets cold. I originally thought about Myrtle Beach in SOuth Carolina, I haven't been there since I was like 15 or something, it was really nice but I have just been looking at the average weather and stuff and I can go down to Savannah Georgia like 20 minutes faster and it should be like 10 degrees warmer. Plus I've never been there. It will be a 14 hour drive either way. I'd really like to go back to the Grand Canyon but thats too far and I haven't been to a beach forever! I figured if I didn't go anywhere I'd just be sitting at home watching tv being bored, why not do it on a beach. Just take my guitar, some clothes and a sleeping bag. I wish I could take a friend too but no one seems intersted. I've been real lonely lately(HA, the story of my life). Its weird, it's not that I can't be alone it's just I get too used to being alone that when someone tries to come in I can't accept it or something. One of the many things swirling in my head that I don't feel like starting. But a 14 hour drive should give me ample time to sit and argue with my brain and listen to some music. Then who knows what could happen at the beach? Probably nothing but still. I figured I'd only spend money on gas and food if I didn't get a room it shouldn't be too expensive. I don't remember if I mentioned in the last post or not but I am still debating whether or not to quit drinking, obviously if its up for debate that means there is a problem. But I had been controlling it well until this month so who knows where that will go. To be honest I don't really care anymore, I am pretty much beyond caring about anyone(other than my son) and anything. That in itself has been kinda rough, though I hate a lot of people, I have always cared about my friends, but without friends theres nothing you know.... Whatever. I got the outline done on my new tattoo, I have to wait to get ther color next wednesday, I'll put a pic up when it's done.

uhh explaining of last post...

SO I see that I posted on Vday... I seriously hope that is my last binge, that is twice this month that I have probably been close to dying of alcohol poisoning. My bud did end up coming over and drinking with me, but I I don't remember most the night. I drank a whole bottle of Beam. Its a major setback, I have done really good on not keeping any alcohol in my house to be tempted by, I don't usually go out or drink if I do except earlier this month at my friends party. But SInce then I have felt the urge quite a bit to drink more and again... This just confirms my addiction and it really fucks with my head. I need to not give in to loneliness and shit. That shit with LPN who knows, she ignores me half the time, she doesn't seem my type... we got a lot in common, she is hot but I don't think our personalities mesh, we don't see or talk enough to find out. The chick from my EMT class, I have no clue!! She texts me all the time but we never hang out cuz she lives kinda far away and I still don't know whats up with her boyfriend, she says she is trying to find a new place to live and stuff but whatever, I know nothing is gonna come of it cuz it would just be rebound sex, which I am cool with but whatever... I am just horny.. The chick from Substance abuse, I wish...except she is a good catholic girl, probably only like 19 and yeah I don't think I could forgive myself for corupting a little good girl like that... I just need to castrate myself so I'll stop being horny and walkin around lookin for someone to fuck!! Thats all it seems like. I know in my heart I wanna find someone to actually be with but I don't know... I am fucked in the head and it doesn't matter... All chicks just wanna be my friends and I read too deep into a slight hand graze or whatever and then my mind drives me insane! This is why I drink to avoid thinking, hell thinking about this now is makin me wanna go get some! Here I start over again though. I am trying to decide if I have to stop drinking completely or not, aside from the 2 binges I have done good at honoring my 2 drink max and not driving and stuff like that but I am worried for myself, which is good because normally I wouldn't give a shit because at the moment no one else really does. When I am alone I usually drink until I find a reason to stay sober until things start going south and then there I go again. Ugh, now I am just typing round and round.... which reminds me I need to write a note in case I die so someone can write on here that I died and how I died and so my family can read how my life and mind really was... I thought about that the other day... Cuz I wanna keep this private until I decide if and when to share it with my family but if I died it would just be lost. Well I am off to do my puzzle so I can be pissed at it instead of myself...

V-Day murder

So I have been drinking since 1 or so, doing laundry, drawing up my next attoo and stuff. I talked to LPN cuz my friend liked hwe trying to figure out if she felt the same cuz my friend is a lot like me and I figured he'd be too afraid to say something adn apparently she likes me more than him. I have also been talking to a chick in my EMT class thast boyfriend cheated on her like last week cuz I don't know what she wants, it seems she's been hitting on me a bit, but the way I see I need to hit on as many as I can while I can to figure out who is best for me. There is also a hot ass redhead in my substance abuse class that I have been thinking about asking out.... We'll see what the hell happens by the end of tonight... my bet is I'll end up alone and drunk.... That part is almost positive!!! Fuck it I need another drink. FUck you hallmark!!

Substance Abuse

As I mentioned before I am in a Substance Abuse class as part of my certification requirements(its not court ordered this time) and I just finished writing a paper about an article written in 1997 about the passin for madical pot in Cali and Arizona. My dad and I dicussed legalization quite a few times lately, mainly about steriods in baseball that has been over the news quite a bit and we both agree that you aren't going to stop anyone anyway. Look at every illegal drug, name one and I bet you can go out and find it or know someone who can get it. It is illegal but assesible therefore all we do is overcrowd our prisons with non violent "criminals" and leave no space so rapists and kidnappers and murderers get out well pretty fucking fast. I am a former user of well quite a few illegal substance and have been off them for quite a while as well, I know from my past as well as facts and research that alcohol and tobbacco are worse than most of the illegal drugs. Theres always the joke that potheads are to stoned to get up and do anything but its true, you don't hear about potheads commiting violence, its alcohol. Cigarettes are the most addicting substance on earth, more addicting than crack or heroine, it doesn't provide quite the euphoria but it is more addicting.

Who is the government to say what we can or can't do with our bodys? If people want to destroy their bodies doing steriods so they are bigger for a couple seasons of baseball and die faster fucking let them! Am I going to be arrested if I walk up in front of the police station with a knife(whatever the legal size to carry is) and start carving my skin? They may call the looney bin but seriously do they arrest people for tattos or piercings? They are doing the same damn thing, they are messing with their body. What makes these substances worse? I need to look up but is it illegal if I stand there in front of the police station and huff a can of whip cream or computer duster? I just looked it up several sites say in some states but the only one I found for sure is Wisconsin. SO how is it legal for me to walk around and eat cool whip but if I put it to my mouth without shaking it and form a seal and suck just the air out and hold the nitrous oxide in make me doing something illegal? That just pissed me off even worse!!

What I think it mainly comes down to is let the retards kill themselves. If legal then we eliminate drug kingpins and violence and we can tax it and the govt can be happy asses. And I am not just talking about pot, let people do what the fuck they want with their bodies legally because they are going to do it reguardless and it may actually keep kinds from "rebelling" and doing the drugs behind parents backs. Now I am not saying go get fucked up and drive, the DUI thing should still stand which I have violated numerous times but have since stopped, I just crash if I have more than a couple. I am getting more responsible! But seriously What the fuck do you think? I think I provide a pretty good fucking argument and I think all should agree. The opposition will only complain that it shouldn't be available or accepted but it already is!! So that point is

My 600th POST!!

And where to begin it??This month is fucking shit!!! I think it may try to compete with last April! Lets start at the begining... I think I may have mentioned last post that my school fucked up and I didn't get my money for my GI bill for school. So I am broke as hell and can't pay my car payment and have been putting everything on my credit card. The only plus note is I am gettin like 5,000 back from taxes. Ok the second. My friends diaper party. I got trashed!!! Definately drank too much, we ended up going out. I tried talking to chicks when I probably shouldn't have. I got some chicks number and then saw her at a different place and texted her, she called me a dork(I don't know if she was playing around or not) I texted her back to fuck off. We ended up jumping in some girls car, I had a chick on my lap and apparently started making noises like I was gonna barf(I didn't) so that went nowhere, then when we got to his house I puked and passed out outside in the snow. I woke up on the couch and lost my hat, coat, and phone.... I got everything back except my skull cap... anyone who knows me knows how I feel about my hats, I had that one for about 3 years. Third, Patriots lost. 4th, I almost wrecked coming home from work because it was so fucking foggy you couldn't see the road. 5 th was ok at first, I went to a movie with a chick in my EMT class(but she kinda may have a boyfriend, he cheated on her Saturday and since then has been talking to me but they live together), then CF called and wanted to hang out so I met up with her, she was drunk and asking me dumb questions about why we weren't together, I couldn't let her drive home so I brought her home and let her pass out here. Today, I had to get up at 6am to take her to her car after not being able to sleep too good, then came home and couldn't really get back to sleep. When I woke up and tried to get a drink of milk, I found out my fridge/freezer died and all the goceries I bought the other day on my credit card is spoiled!! I got to do my clinicals in the ER, they were busy as hell and pissed when I got there so I didn't get to do anything, then when they calmed down no one else came in. And now here I sit bitching about everything!!!!!!!!

Now after the tradgedy this morning I am convinced that Karma backfires on me. In DC I give bums money, I get fucked over all the time and flat tires and shit. Here I don't let a friends drive home drunk, I kept her hands off me cuz she has a boyfriend now and get up early to take her to her car and my fridge spoils everything I just bought. I mean come the fuck on! I have been horny as hell and could have gotten laid last night but no, I have fucking morals!! And Valentines day is next week. A have been seriously thinking sbout getting a bottle of Beam and drowning in it! Didn't I say that last post? What the fucks next, am I gonna lose a finger or toe? Why does this shit always happen to me? Oh yeah and the pepper spray worked for like 3 days and now my face is breaking out again. It did work fairly well on my back, I figured I might as well share my findings before you go spraying it onyour face and back... Like anyone else is as stupid as I am...but you know what I get bored and tired of everyone else making my life hell, why not just do it to myself...

Pepper spray..?

Its been quite difficult to blog lately just because I am in such a rut. I don't really do anything. I go to school, I go to work, I sit around here, occasionally I hang out with my friends but since I haven't been drinking as much there isn't drunken stupidity. I think it was last week, one night my buddy came over we had some beers bullshited til like 5 am watchin movies and crap. One night we hung out at the bar, had a couple and just bullshitted with some other friends til it closed then we went to his place and played cards. This weekend there may be some craziness we are having a diaper party for him since he is havin a baby and we are gettin a keg. I am not going as crazy as I did for my bday but I may have a few more than normal. A bad thing I found out is my other friend has a thing for the LPN and has been tryin to get with her so I kinda have to repect him and stop flirtin with her, she was at the bar with us last week. It seemed like she was tryin to get to know me but was more flirty with him so I don't know. I told him to let her know how he feels and if he doesn't I will. I was gonna ask her to be my valentine. Gotta push him cause he is like me and will wait until its too late. I'll probably die alone but at this point I don't really give a shit. I know I need to stick to my plans for this year and at least try to talk to random chicks but I'm not goin to force anything. I did talk to this hot little redhead in my substance abuse class. It sucks because it feels like my face gets so red when I talk to them, I wish I knew how to stop that. Then I feel worse because they can see me blushing when I'm just bringing up general conversations and it makes me feel like a little kid or something. I guess thats the thing though I need to practice so it will stop. It a damned double edge sword. Its just weird cuz most the time I don't give a shit what people think of me, if I am irritated with some chick that I don't know I can tell her what the fuck I think but if I just think a chick is cute and say hi or something I freak. Oh yeah in that same class is a chick I used to work with at Taco Bell and used to flirt with all the time. We used to get stoned and shit and now we are in the same substance abuse class...lol. I don't think she is as clean as I am though so I don't think I will be asking her to hang out anytime soon.

On a different note, I sprayed myself with pepper spray today. WHy you ask, because I was bored and when my friends did it in the military they said it cleared up their faces and my face is breakin out bad, so figured why not. It took a while to hurt and then it hurt like hell for quite a while and my face was red for about 2 hours. It better fucking work. I am poor and fucked for this month because the school is fucking retarded. I submitted my papers to get my money from the military when I signed up and they haven't submitted them yet. I called and asked about it, they said they would do it sometime next week. I should be getting paid for it this week! That is about $1,000 that I now don't have to pay my bills. Thanks assholes. So I am gonna have to put it all on my credit cards and hope I get it quickly or my income tax. Retards. Well I think I am gonna fuck around on the web and then finish my laundry. I feel like going and puttin a bottle of Jim Beam on my card and getting plastered!!!! But I won't, I'll get some drinks Saturday with friends. I am not going to start drinking alot, alone again!!

Music is a blessing and a curse

So it took quite a while after HB for me to be able to listen to certain CDs because it made me think of her. There were the Stars, Billy Talent, 30 Seconds to Mars, and well half od my music. But lately the thought of her has been diminishing. I am able to listen to those bands without problem, some with even found memories. Billy Talent I believe was our last concert and a blast... check out their live album 666!! But I was just watching scrubs cuz that show is cool and funny and this song comes up that just kinda smacked me in the face... If you scroll down on my playlist its the last song. Its a good, sad, song but it just hit a nerve even though I never heard it before. I'm not saying I'm never gonna be happy with anyone else or anything but at times I do wonder if I will heres the lyrics.

RHETT MILLER- "Come Around"

I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
I'm depressed upstairs and I'm remembering where
And when and how and why'd you have to go so far
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night
You came on to me and opened up my heart
I was hollow then till you filled me in now I'm empty again
I should have never let it start
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do
But you're the only one you are the only one
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
So come around so come around
I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart

Uhh School...

Occasionally through the week or when I am lying in bed trying to sleep, I think of something or a topic that I wanna talk about on here but it always seems that by time I have the time to... I forget. So I survived my first week of school last week, I think I am going to like this semester. Fist class is substance abuse, the teacher seems pretty cool, plus we get to talk about drugs all day... The first class we had to anonomously write what drugs, legal or illegal, we have taken the last 6 months... for me this didn't include any illegal but I thought about writing some of the stuff I did before that. Other classmates had quite a list, we wrote them all out on the board just to see all the variety we had. Second is Cultural Diversity again the teacher seems cool, so far we just read at home then discuss in class, no notes no nothing really. The book itself is just interesting to read so far, its just called Race, class, gender. Its just a bunch of writings about peoples lives and oppression and stuff, I've only read like 3 of them but its cool. The only one I worry about is my online class about Ethics in Health care, only cuz its hard for me to do it or read... I don't know why. I find myself on mypace instead or here doing this...lol. Other than class, nothing is happening. I am boycotting American Idol, I refuse to watch it. I just watch Family Guy instead it is more entertaining. Oh yeah Heath Ledger was found dead a couple hours ago, I guess he got too into his role as Joker in Batman... My dad just kept sayin he'd OD too if he ws known as that gay cowboy...

Its always 2 out of 3

I guess thats why theres a song about 2 out of 3 aint bad. Well last night right after I shut off the tv and laid down to sleep my buddy texted me to come out and since its a goal this year, I got up and went out and I only drank 2 beers but I didn't talk to any ladies... though I did finally see the LPN again and she gave me a hug, she may have been drunk though she didn't talk much, she was dancing with her friends. Any place with dancing isn't a good place for me to try to strike up a conversation since I don't dance... Plus I always think of the Dane Cook skit were its a girl and shes going on about "no guys tonight, I just wanna dance!" But it was still a pretty good time, we hung out and shot the shit.

Tomorrow is my first day with my new classes, maybe I'll get lucky and have some cool ass hot chick in there. But I just had a conflicting though while I was in the shower and about my life goals: I always say fuck the world and lifes a bitch then you die and you always hear seize the day and all this shit. Well these sayings kinda say to drink, fuck, and party in case you die tomorrow... And this is against the way I have been living. I have been focusing more on trying to make myself better for the future that I may not have... I am conflicted and don't really have a good argument about why I should keep bettering myself. I'm still gonna keep on the way I am going but it kind of makes me regret the thought popping up. I just thought I'd share that thought to see if it boggles any one elses mind or if I am just a moron...

Oh I saw the movie Control about the life of Ian Curtis of Joy Division. The movie was pretty fucking good. It reminded me of Kurt Cobain even though it was way before him. But young star with crazy kind of life, and medical problems that he doesn't know how to deal with. Except Ian didn't show him doing drugs he was just torn between 2 women

My head just may explode....

Why... I don't know. I have been real antsy this past week or so. I think it has to do with the weather. It was 68 the other day!!! It was nice as hell, the temp has been between 30-10 the past months and out of nowhere it was warm, then some thunderstorms hit and now its cold again... Monday I went up to the gym at school before work since I needed to do something and oh my gawd was I sore yesterday and then yesterday was my first day back for my EMT class so I went and worked out again and I am sore as hell today but it feels so damn good!! I almost want to go back today since I have nothing to do but I know my body needs to rest. I have been so fucking bored, almost hoping for homework from school next week, though I know in 2 weeks I am probably going to be stressed and going crazy, if its not one extreme its the other! Lately I have just been strumming on my guitars (for some reason the electric's strings fuck up my fingers more) til my fingers hurt, then work on my simpsons puzzle til I start to go blind from focusing on the little fucking pictures, then play on the computer and wait for something to come on tv, every once in a while I play my simpsons game that I already beat but need to go back and find all the little secret shit I missed. Gawd I am a boring ass dork!! But you know what I am staying out of trouble so I guess thats what counts most... though I guess I'm not getting out like I am supposed to but I have to wait on friends for things like that... Its hard though, I've been thinking about missing my old friends and old times like usual but it was easy in the military. Here there is nothing really to do but get drunk or do drugs and I don't really want to do either, you know. I don't mind drinks every once in a while, I think I average once every 2 weeks or so. At least when there is a UCF PPV I go up to the bar to watch it. But I don't need or want to be around it all the time especially the way the stupid asses act around here! And all my old friends other than the 2 I hang out with now were and still are into drugs and shit... with my addictive personality and feeling like shit most the time I would fall right back into that shit... For some reason people tend to dislike me here. I don't really know why all I do is speak my mind, we are not in high school, I don't talk behind peoples back, if I don't like you I will tell you that you are annoying and be quiet. A couple of the people I met seem to prefer people who lie and backstab. fuck them... Anyway there I go off on a tangent again... Well its about time to do either my puzzle or video game... fun fun!!

Happy New Year

So this is my first post of 2008! For new years I ended up going to my cousins new place and hanging out and having a few drinks, it was a pretty good time, I didn't drink that much. There were some wasted guys there that were being annoying and my cuz is pregnant and obviously couldn't drink so I kinda helped her clean up the messes they made since her boyfriend ended up passin out. Now I don't make resolutions but one of the things I have been thinking about that I need to focus on this year is being selfish and having confidence, these are the next big things on my list to be better. The alcohol thing is something I am continually working on, but I think working on those 2 things may help. Lets look at the reasons I usually drink or drank actually... 1. Boredom, this I am doing a puzzle and play ps2 to try to fight, tv is getting boring and I need to find a book or something. 2. To open up socially, I use it as a crutch if I am afraid to talk to a chick at a bar or whatever, I drink so I won't care and then when I still don't say anything I drink because I failed. 3. To deal with things, well period. If I had more confidence it would help well 2 out of 3, not much cure for boredom, I have been fucking with my guitar more but still sound like shit. Being selfish, this has been a problem too... I am always worried about other people, I always put others before myself. Even if we look back to my last big single period, I wasn't being selfish I just got drunk and found fuck buddies, thats all I really did. I didn't do anything for myself. I'm still not too sure how to be selfish, its not like I have money to spend on myself but I will try to find ways... I need to get back to the gym I feel lazy as shit!! Luckily I haven't lost any of my muscle even though I really havent done shit since school got out. Anyways back to selfish and confidence and fighting the alcohol. These 3 things need to be my mission this year. I need to make time to go out(selfish) actually meet and talk to chicks(confidence) I don't need to get numbers or fuck or anything, I just need to be able to start conversations with them for me to learn that its ok, I am not gonna die or get maced or what the fuck ever goes through my fucking body keeping me from doing it!! And all this needs to be accomplished without being wasted, I will allow 2 drink max when I go out! Thats it, thats all I need to do this year, again not a resolution because those are things that people try to force on themselves and end up failing and being more pissed. I think they can be acomplished

Reflections...

Why do I always do the (....) thing.... I don't know. SO I didn't get any pics of my friends band on christmas, it turned out to be kinda a crazy night! I went up there BSed with him for a while enjoyed some music, he kicked ass like always. My friend and a couple of his friends showed up a couple guys were fucking with us, it was about to turn into a fight and my ex brother in law was there so I was uncomfortable so we went to a different one. We walk in and a guy I almost got into a fight with on my birthday was there, we sat at the bar and oredered a drink and he glared at me then wispered to his friends and the glared at me. I kinda thought I was imagining things but my friend saw it too. Then my ex brother in law showed up wasted and kept buying me drinks and talking shit about my ex. I kept saying I didn't wanna talk about it. He ended up knowing my friends friend, they ended up in a back room, there was a crowd yelling and pulling people out. I got the guy out and he left, my ex bro in law got arrested. I still haven't got the story as to what happened, but he was probably talking shit, both were wasted and started fighting. Dumbasses!

I titled this reflections but I'm not sure how much I really wanna reflect on. I have felt pretty lonely lately, I have managed to keep myself out of depression, how I have no idea. I have kept myslef from buying a bottle! Lookin back this has been a really rough year. Starting this year I had a friends, love, a plan, money, and the world in front of me ready to be conquered! Now I sit alone in a one bedroom apartment my parents own that I don't even pay rent in, don't really have any close friends left. I got the4 couple here but its hard to really open up to them, plus it's not like I have much to say, they don't really know all the players from back... like how much I miss Chris and I am mad he never talks to me anymore, I had to find out he is having a baby from HB, just by chance because I wished her a merry christmas. I sent him a message saying congrats and he never replys anymore. I miss the closeness I had with him and HB, I told both of them everything without any fear of rejection or anything. They would give me good advise, even if I never really followed it it's nice to know that someone is there for you. The 2 friends I have here, ones girlfriend hates me, the other guy trys to hang out when he can but he works 2nd too and lives a ways away. I don't know what I expect or even want, my last girlfriend wasn't really that fun, perhaps I just want that girl to show up and give me those butterflies again. To fight through the fear of the first kiss and all that, with CF I was too drunk to even remember, so it lost all thrill. Who fucking knows. At times I just want to run away! Start over somewhere new again, or go back in the Navy, but I can't leave my son again... He definately needs some sort of stability. And I can't sacrifice him, I must sacrifice myself. Will I grow to hate him because of it, NO because running away wouldn't solve anything, I'd just end up a stranger somewhere else lonlier than I am now. I am almost excited for school to start back up, I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks now I think!! I try to work out around the house but all I have is 2 dumbells and I am not running in this fucking cold!! Maybe I just have too much energy that needs burnt off... I need a new fuck buddy!!

Merry mutherfuckin Christmas

I'm off to the bar!!! My friends band is playing there, hopefully I won't get too drunk. It should be fun, I haven't seen him for a while since he moved down to Columbus. Today wasn't too bad, hung out with my family, got some cool presents. Got a new amp for my guitar finally since I havent had one since my exwife pawned it!! and got the Simpsons game! Some clothes and other things that aren't as fun.... Hope everyone has a safe happy holidays!! I'm tryin not to be the scrooge though I still hate the holiday!! I think its an awesome idea that my buddy and other bands are playin tonight!!

News... I guess

Hmmm where to start, I've been busy since my last post. Lets start with I passed my classes, I have no clue how I did on the finals but I got a B in psych and C in biology, so I am happy bout that. I celebrated by hanging out with my friends Saturday during a snow storm and getting plastered. I've got too much testosterone from no sex for a couple months and I haven't worked out in over a week so I suggested football. We beat the shit out of each other while it was coming down, then while our pants were in the dryer someones dumbass suggested we see who could last longest in their boxers in the snow barefoot... I won! I don't know if I should be proud or not.... This week I've been working and going to a class for work in Lima, a little over an hour away to learn med admin that I've know and been doing for quite a while... but whatever I get paid for it... so I've just been tired as hell. My son has had quite a fiasco lately, luckily I hadn't bought him anything since I was waiting on my paycheck, but now I don't have to buy him anything since he is soooo bad!! He is in first grade, 6 years old, I didn't get in this much trouble til I was in at least 5 th grade and it still wasn't all this! He's had problems listening to his teachers and then lying to his mom and I... I've had talks with him, he is an angel for me and has been better for his mom but hell at school. Well I've been stopping at the school once a week to check on him and get the story from the teacher because he got in school suspension for refusing to listen, well he said hes been better and his teacher said he hasn't and had given him several notes to bring home about his behavior, they are talking about kicking him out of school!!! In first fucking grade!!! So I haven't spanked him in a long as time so I busted his ass, well he got in school suspension again and lied about it so I spanked him again longer and harder, took away everything, made him sit in a corner for a whole night until bed... The next day...THE NEXT FUCKING DAY the principle called and he was back in inschool for hitting kids in the balls!! WHAT THE FUCK!! I don't know what to fucking do! He never acts like this shit for me, hes stopped doing it for his mom, its now just been transferred to school... he gets good grades when he isn't too busy talking to do it... I can't just go up there and sit at the school to make him be good so I told him I couldn't stop anyone else from buying him presents, but I will not buy him anything, Santa is not bringing him anything and anything bought for him will be put away until I think he deserves any of it. I have to be the fucking Grinch who takes away Christmas... I have already been pissed about the fucking holiday, to be honest I can't remember if I hated it last year, I thought about looking back but haven't gotten around to it yet. It sucks that I know my parents bought me and my son all kinds of shit that neither of us need, and when I ask them what to get them I get a fucking grocery list...seriously, their list this year is 2 pillows, a blanket, a can opener, beer, cigarettes... Its bad enough I am broke as shit but I think it was last year or the year before when I had money and shit I could at least give them money since they never tell me what the want, only some things they could use. On the bright side I don't have to buy much, not that I could anyway but still... it makes me feel like an ass! They constantly give me money and make me feel more like shit if I try not to take it they shove it in my pocket like I am a fucking bum... I get by I don't need much to survive, I can pay my bills, I don't smoke, I hardly drink and when I do its usually someone elses, all I need is my bills and gas, they pretty much bought their own presents with the money they gave me. My mom fucking bought the ring I gave HB from me for full price, we were talking like last month about pawning shit or something and I said fuck that they only wanted to give me $20 for a $450 1/4ct diamond ring, I wanted at least 100 or something. Mom told me to bring it down and asked said she'd buy it. I told her she could have it, she's already given me enough money and it was just sitting on my entertainment center collecting dust anyway. Well Dad gave me 450 for it!! I told him to fuck off, that I didn't need it, use it to buy presents and shit, he threatened to kick my ass if I didn't take it, seriously, he got that for real look. I know they feel obligated to help and shit but I fucking hate it, it only makes me feel more like shit! Now I am all pissed... I'm gonna go work on my SImpsons puzzle, which will probably only piss me off more.... Merry fucking Christmas to all!

Finals.... oh and I am a Genius

YEp it's finals week! Luckily I am only taking 3 classes, and my EMT class is like 2 semesters so I took the midterm yesterday. Well Monday I don't think I did well in my psychology, I couldn't remember most the essays but I think I did good on the multiple choice. I could probably get a zero and still pass the class, my lowest grade on a test in there was a 98... We got to do a IQ test for bonus points and it turn out I am smart as hell, well we all already knew that!! I got a 120, tied the highest shes had in her classes, that puts me in the 91 percentile, 125 is worth a shot into MENSA, the highest you can get is 144. I told my parents that I am a genius, we've always had a joke about my A+ math, I've always been an A math student but when I'd talk with them about something I'd usually mess it up because I'd try to do it in my head instead of on paper, and they'd say theres that A+ math. So now they'll probably start everytime I do something stupid, "Theres that 120 IQ" at least thats my guess. I did great on the math but not so great on the verbal, I think it is because the writers of the test don't appreciate the word FUCK and its many meanings. Fuck the fucking fuckers... A whole sentence!! Oh well...

So yeah my EMT midterm I failed by 2 questions, I hate saying failed because "failing" is less than an 80% which is stupid and the questions are tricky, the last 2 tests we were able to argue and get several questions marked right because they were too close to choose between 2 of them. But yesh so I got a damn 78... Next is Biology on Friday, and as you can see below how I feel about that class! I am not studying...at all... if the test is about the bigotry we've learned the past couple weeks I should be ok, I think he said it wasn't covering everything from the whole semester so I can probably just put kill the blacks and jews for every answer and get a 100... OH YEAH!! one class about evolution we got to watch the Simpsons clip where it shows a blob who eventually evolves into Homer, but it was narrated by Mr. Garrison from South Park, and we had to write about it... It says at the end that we were created from 4 monkeys having butt sex with a fish squirell, thats all I worte and I got a 90!! It was funny as shit! Then I plan on getting drunk this weekend!! It just sucks I gotta work so I can't party all night!! Oh well, I suppose I'll survive! No more school the rest of the year though after this week!!!!

BLAH!!

I am tired as hell!! As usual! I don't know what it is I just always seem to be tired. I am have just been in a blah mood again! Why can't my body and mind just stay steady!! It really is annoying. For some reason I keep thinking about my next tattoos, I can't stop thinking and planning them even though it is going to be quite a while before I have enough money for them. I think I need to first get something on my other arm which is probably going to be a half rotted heart with a dagger through it and then I have been thinking about getting a banner across the top of my chest with some cool quote or something in it... I have been debating on quite a few and then trying to decide if I want it in latin or not, then I started thiniking since I have been having trouble deciding maybe I could make like several banners with different sayings... why, I don't know maybe because my mind is going haywire! I am having some troubles sleeping again... I just lay and toss and turn. They say I am going to get more hours at work starting next week!! Finally, its only one extra day a week but its better than not working! I am going to get my hair cut tomorrow, I made an appointment, I have no clue what the hell I wanna do with it but it is long and I can't do anything with it now and I need to start my clinicals at the hospitals ER soon, I kinda wanted to do it while I am on break from school here the next couple weeks so I need to look professional and hot because when we were in there for orientation there were some hotties... What about the chick below, who knows, she lives in a different town and is busy with school and work... who knows, I think she'd definately be fun to hook up with!! Maybe thats my problem, its been a while since I've been laid! Bout time to find a new fuck buddy and hope this one isn't crazy... I think I am going to start my Simpsons puzzle that I have had for about a year now, maybe that'll keep me busy. I need a new book but there is no real bookstaores here and the library sucks balls!! I need my uncle Tom and Rinker to recommend some kick ass books!!!

I just noticed how I jump from subject to subject a little more and faster than usual, thats how my brains been acting... Oh yeah I found out recently in my EMT class a little more about my low blood sugar... When I used to pass out alot, I was having seizures! So I have a history of seizures and hypoglycemia also causes altered mental status, which may be my entire problem with life! Seriously, we checked our blood levels in class, the average normal is between 80-120, mine was at 50, 40 is insulin shock(unconsciousness), the teacher asked how I felt and I felt normal... so according to the book I apparently almost always have altered mental status! Because I old him I don't remember getting angry or violent before I passed out like the book said, I just kind of feel it coming on and try to sit or lie down... Just another thing to add to the list of things wrong with me... I need to find a real doctor "House" and see if he can solve me... With my physical problems and my mental problems, I could be a whole season on the show!! Well I think I'll start my puzzle now!!

New Girl....yeah right...

So back when I was with CF, we went out with some of my friends barhopping and I met a couple of their friends who were HOT! One had a boyfriend who she was on the phone with all night but the other was hotter anyway. Then like 2 weekends ago when the last UFC payperview was I invited my friends to meet up at the sports bar to watch it and she ended up coming... shes the type of beauty that was wearing scrub bottoms a huge sweatshirt, glasses and had her hair half pulled up and still looked amazing! So I gave her some shit because I tried to add her on myspace and she denied me and I sent her a message inviting her to my Bday party that we talked about the first time and stuff. But we were talking and she does the home health care thing that I am doing. Of course I was distracted by watching UFC and trying to kill each other so the conversation was kinda limited. Well amist the myspace bullitens she put out one where I could fill out what I thought about her and stuff, so I did and she did it back on me and it said how her first impression was I was nice, cool, and she wanted to get to know me better and stuff and there was a question about if shed date me and she put maybe if she got to know me more. So we started texting last night and she is an LPN working towards her RN, she was asking me about the EMT thing and I mentioned about how I have been thinking about trying to get on a chopper and work on lifeflight and stuff and she asks if I am fucking kidding. I said no why she said she wanted to do the same. So we started messing with each other about that and she said I can be her sidekick and stuff since there is an RN and medic on the flights. It was just kinda crazy how we were clicking, and I know I am getting way too into thinking about it, cause thats what I always do! Look back at the what 3 years I've posted on this blog and each month there is the same fucking thing. But I thought I'd put it down on here to remember anyway, in the slightest chance that something does happen, yesterday was the convo that started it... Hey I can dream can't I...

In other news, not a whole lot going on. This semester of school is almost over, christmas is almost here, I am broke as shit. Work says I will get more hours towards the end of next month. My son had in school suspension yesterday for not listening, so me and his mother had a huge long talk with him about that. Now I told him I have to drive all the way out to hius school every week to talk to his teacher and find out how he's doing because he is lying about it and just saying he got yelled at for talking and not how much trouble he actually got in! Well I better get to typing my Biology report, I may bitch about the class tomorrow...fucking retards, the funny part is my lab partners are 2 high school guys who are pretty cool and very smart and not nearly as ignorant as the rest of the class! Any way I'm out fo now. Later!!

Ignorance is Bliss

Now that I have given thanks I can go back to bitching! I'm just kinda in one of those moods today, maybe because I am dealing with shit and arguing with myself in my head, I wanna go get something to get drunk but I won't, I wanna go to a concert Friday but I am broke, I need food and gas but I am broke. Here is what I was thinking about on my way back from dropping the kid off so I wouldn't stop at the liquor store. I and many have said ignorance is bliss, thouse who thinking otherwise are fucking idiots. You may be an optomist who will tell me about how good your life is or hell how lucky I am about something I may not see... You can have the perfect fucking life, but you are still ignorant. Look at the problems in the world, we have people with millions and billions of dollars but yet people with none and living on the street and eating out of the garbage. I would like to believe these millionaire think about those people but I am sure they don't. And that is fucking retarded. We have little girls going into or being forced into prostitution to make money because they know they can make money fast that way. I am being completely honest, I would do it in a heartbeat if I thought people would pay me for it and if it wasn't illegal. Hell I have put serious thought in trying to be a stripper but I couldn't find one around here for guys. This economy is based on the almighty dollar and people will do anything and disreguard anyone for it especially themselves. It makes me sick when I think about it as I'm sure it does most other people, that is why we ignore it!

Second thoughts, my heart or lack there of. As I stated before around April/May I lost 3 people that were close to me, 2 by death and the other by my own doing. Around that time I also fucked up my toe and have dealt with a black and blue toenail that is close to coming off. I think I am going to miss it. Its crazy to look how I and everything else has changed in 6 months. I completely shaved my head around that time as well, now I look like a guy that was in Dazed and Confused. I had lots of money back then, nothing to worry about, I said I was broke if I had less than 500 in my checking account and always had a savings to back it up. But it has all changed, in that time I went through and emotional trainwreck. I didn't know what to do what to say or how to feel and after crying, throwing fits, wishing myself dead, and drowning myself in alcohol I entered and emotional coma. I am sleeping RC(far from beauty). I've tried to meet women, it was fun while it lasted but I am incapable of opening up, I keep telling myself it is too soon. I didn't have feelings for anyoen for a year and a half after my wife and she fucked me over real good and I didn't like her much to begin with. But then I look at my friends who have all carried a piece of my heart with them, now scattered all over the world. Most of them probably keep it shoved in the back of a closet and forgot all about it. Thanks to myspace I can get a message from a few once in a while to let me know they are still alive but thats it. I don't call any of them because I don't have much to say. Hows your life? Mine is ok I guess, I am poor, going to school, working, I've put on 10 lbs of muscle the past month or so, I cut back on drinking, quit smoking and thats it. Life story of the past year in 2 minutes. Its easier to put it on myspace. I tried to IM Chris a few times lately to see how he's been, he usually just ignores me and never answers back. I have become just a memory to most. There are a couple back here well one old friend who has tried to get me into the group though with sceduling conflicts its hard to keep in and then they forget to invite me sometimes since they just aren't used to it or they know I am working or have my kid or I was invited last night I knew my parents would watch him but I can't afford to go out. And it sucks! Life seems that it will always suck! I wasn't happy sitting on my ass not doing anything, I was somewhat content being to busy cause at least the bills were getting paid and now I am just busy enough to not be able to do things with friends but not working enough to make any money. So I am fucked just like always so this is what I do at times like these, I want to go get drunk and either get in trouble, get in a fight, or fuck someone. Nice easy goals that I know I can accomplish at least one if not all, all at once. But I fight it, I have become a fighter lately fighting for myself when before I was always the last one I gave reguard for. I have to fight my urges to be stupid just because things aren't going my way. I have to ignore all the bad shit that I go through, I have to ignore my problems. You may say ignoring them won't make them go away, but they are things that can't be dealt with. I have been keeping my eyes open for new jobs that could get rid of one problem but the rest is all unsolvable. My life is unsolvable, the best thing to do is ignore. I have noticed I am happiest when I am working out because I am listening to music that I love and I am working towards a goal I have had since I was little. I will admit, I am starting to look good, well my face still needs work but my body is on its way to being awesome! And my body works out its frustrations as I drown myself in music and igore the rest of the world. Its just me, music, and whatever I am doing in that moment. Nothing else matters and as I smirk into the mirror I know Ignorance is Bliss!!

Thanksgiving...and Madina Lake and Mayday Parade

Lets start off with Thanksgiving... I am thankful I have a healthy son and my family is doing pretty good, I am in good health physically and getting along ok mentally. I wouldn't be without my family, my parents are great and I love them. They keep trying to help me even though I try not to let them. I am poor as shit since they cut my hours at work, my pay check was only enough to pay my car insurance, I have lots of other bills, they keep trying to give me money even though they don't have much, they are worried about buying christmas presents for me and my son, I severly doubt I am going to be able to afford gas to and from school next week let alone presents. I am going to have to start using my credit cards again and probably get myself in trouble. Hopefully I might get some income tax back next year, maybe I can catch up a bit on it then, we'll see...there I go on the negatives instead of the good again....

So The concert was great!! It was my first time at headliners in Toledo, its a lot closer and reminded me of Black cat well the stage and everything, the atmosphere wasnt even close! But this was the last night of the tour and the bands were having fun and it was great! I'm not going to go through each band cuz all were awesome, there was We the Kings, Powerspace, Madina Lake, and Mayday Parade. During all the bands other bands members would come out and mess around, but it added to the fun. They wrapped people in serane(sp?) wrap and electrical tape while they were playing and during the last songs they started taking the drum kit apart while they were playing. They were throwing toilet paper around. I think it was the singer of We the Kings got caught on fire so they stoped that. They had hairspray and a lighter and was shooting it around and caught his back but they kept going. It was just fun as hell. Getting there I felt bad cuz I was like the oldest person other than some kids parents, but as the show went on other people showed up, I think they were just afraid of being seen there early or something. I didn't get into any fights or anything but I did almost kill some little girl. All night me and another dude were picking up people to crowd surf, soon girls just came up and was asking us, well one girl I picked up and she started to fall in front of me so we got under her and kinda tossed her, but she went over the crowd and up to the stage, I think the security guy caught her. We freaked out, we didnt mean to throw her that hard or anything, I hope she was ok. She just kinda disappeared. But besides that it was fun. Well TIme for me to get back to tv. Later, Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday Night Darkness

SO here I sit bored out of my mind on a friday night. It wouldn't be so bad if there was something on tv! I already watched Saw 4 on the comp here and may have to watch Oceans 13 too. I really wanna go get a bottle or some beer or something but we all know that that won't solve anything and would probably just make me lonlier and I'd go out and do some stupid shit. I may just work out, I was gonna take today off but fuck it,, I can use it. So I've noticed my mind wondering again when I lie down to sleep. It was weird to notice it the other night. I've been just lying down and going to sleep, but I noticed myself thinking and I found it odd that I hadn't been lately. Well thinking has led to wierd dreams, luckily I forget after waking up except one crazy one. I was in a car and my son was in the passanger seat and there was a lion in the backseat and I kept saying to ignore it and whatever but it kept clawing at my arm and nibbleing at it. Well this is what the dream dictionary says: "To see a lion in your dream, symbolizes great strength, aggression and power. You will overcome your emotions and/or difficulties. To dream that you are attacked by a lion, indicates that you have many obstacles to overcome. You must resist the force that is driving you to self-destruction." The force driving me to self destruction is my life, how do I resist my life? I resist living enough, I always revert to being a hermit and not going out and living life like I should. Well either that or I get drunk and do stupid shit which is almostr living too much. Where is the balance? But I am not getting drunk so I guess that is a start, I played my guitar all last night until my fingers hurt, I picked it up for a bit tonight but its boring playing the same crap over and over again, I can't really learn anything. I need to put an ad out for a hot chick who knows how to play to teach me so I can kill 2 birds with one stone. I can learn to play better and hang out... right... Well I do think I am gonna work out... oh yeah..

Yeah I got into it in Biology again, we were "learning" about evolution but he just kept showing how fossils and things have been the same for millions of years and pretty much saying things didn't evolve. So I argued about how elephants have changed since mastadons to wolly mammoths to elephants and he said that was all theory and that they could be seperate animals like dogs and cats and stuff. I asked where any creationism proof is or is it all theory, he didn't have an answer, fucking retard! Its all bullshit and who cares.