Boredom

I am bored. What else is new? It seems I always am. Last night was kinda fun, I picked my son up and then went to study with my EMT class. My son had fun playing with the other peoples kids, they are all around the same age, and we studied for a while then just kinda goofed around taking pics and stuff. It was fun. Today though we have just been running around seeing the grandparents since I worked last weekend for easter and didn't get to see everyone. It boring, we go there make small talk and watch tv. I'd rather do it at home, then my son gets bored and starts whinning and moping around, gives me a good reason to leave though I guess. Now he's watching Rattatouilli or whatever, gives me a littloe break, I hate watching those movies, but I'll suffer for a while just so we can lay and watch it together and I try to take a nap but he usually won't let me. Tonight I am going to a friends house for a party, hopfully it'll be fun. It sucks never having weekends to myself, but I usually don't go until my sons in bed. It would be a whole lot easier if my parents would just come upstairs and watch tv while he sleeps but no, they want him to stay downstairs. Then I feel bad cuz he knows I am going somewhere even though its after his bedtime. He told me last weekend that he wanted to come with me every weekend, I hope I get a good EMT job after I get my certification so I don't have to work weekends, then he can come every weekend and then when I want to go out or something it will be easier, he could stay wome a weekend or something. But its not like I do much, I don't really care to go out. I don't wanna really drink, I have a couple now and then but I don't wanna sink to where I was before again. I need to find a way to meet some chicks or something!! No one has any cute single friends!It sucks ass! My whole EMT class, we always end up talking bout sexual shit, its funny, the stories we tell, plus we educate each other on different tips and stuff...lol. One lady is in her 40s and I told her bout when her husband was going down on her for him to push on her femoral artery, she said that it felkt good...lol, teaching older ladies new tricks... But yeah, I guess I should get back to the rat movie. Someone needs to call the thing on my sidebar and leave me a message, I don't feel loved. I think it has a thing for different countries!! LAters...

New addition

To the left there you may notice a new element. My cuz found this site and added it to his myspace, I decided to add it to my myspace and here. Feel free to leave me a message, love to hear from everyone, you can remain annonomous!

I'm back and still alive

SO I just got back from my trip a couple hours ago. It was pretty boring but was good. So I left Monday night after I got off at 11pm. I drove 4 hours and just made it to Kentucky by 3 or so and pulled to a rest area and slept in my car for 4 hours. It was pouring rain that didn't let me sleep too well. Then finished my drive, it was nice that it kept getting warmer as I was driving, when I left Ohio it was 33 degrees and there was a little bit of snow on the ground. It stopped raining after driving about an hour. North Carolina sucked, it was curvy as hell, I was pretty sure that I was gonna come around a curve and hit a pile of stopped cars cuz you could only see 100 yards ahead of you. In South Carolina I saw a Yuengling Truck!! I had to take a pic from the car. It was so beautiful, I could taste it!! I stopped for gas and saw it!! I couldn't wait to get to Tybee Island Georgia and get one! SO I got there about 5pm or so. I went to the beach, it was windy as hell!! but it was 73 degrees and felt pretty good! The whole island u have to pay for parking year round though from 8am-8pm. I walked round the beach for a while and then drove round the island finding where the bars were and try to find things to do. There wasn't a whole lot to do there. I started at one bar, it had a cute bartender I kept trying to talk to but she kept bailing on me to hang out and talk with the locals who were all old. But I ordered a Yuengling, they didn't have any!! They said I had to go to South Carolina or Florida!! I was pissed!! So I jumped around to the other bars who also only had old locals there and older ugly bartenders, so I went back to the first bar and kept trying and failed miserably. So I went back to the beach, I set up on a swing and played my guitar for a while as the sky kept getting darker. A fucking couple was walking on the beach adn stopped and was dancing in front of me, I was bout to throw something at them. Fucking people, I am sitting there alone but managing to meditate playing my guitar and staring at the beautiful ocean, the moon dancing in and out of the clouds and it all gets ruined by a happy fucking couple enjoying my misery!! I went up onto the pier and felt alone in the world, thought some more and then returned to my guitar for my sleep. My sleep was disturbed a few times by drunks coming to the beach and yelling in the parking lot where I was parked. Plus my tall ass doesn't fit well and it doesn't help that I toss and turn when I sleep. But I awoke Wednesday nice and early to get some pics and enjoy the sun rise. It was cold and windy, I had to wear my jacket for a while. It warmed up pretty quickly though. I spent most the morning just walking up and down the beach, eventually I stripped down to my swim shorts and lied down to get some sun, apparently I already got enough from walking. I got burnt a little and have bra lines from my wife-beater and a line from wearing my hat and sun glasses. And while I was walking I got a parking ticket for not paying to park because I never saw anyone checking, it was only 20 though. At the bar the tv kept talking about a huge storm heading for the area so I caved in and got a motel room. It felt great to lie down and stretch and get off my feet!! I lounged and watched tv and ordered pizza. When I went to sleep at 10, it was only sprinkling outside, I don't know if a big storm hit or not, I was out cold!! But in my room the weather channel was talking about the winter storm that is supposed to hit here tonight, so I decided to leave thursday to start coming home. I went back and hung around the beach for a while in the morning, it was cold as hell adn windy than the first day so I left around 11 am. I stopped in South Carolina and bought a shitload of Yuengling!!! North Carolina made me offically hate it! I didn't like all the curves the first time and on the way back through it was a parking lot on a mountain!! It took an hour and a half to go the last 10 miles cuz it had one lane closed for repair. Luckily I didn't get mad since I had plenty of time, instead I sang my voice alomost out and thought about things like do dead people still caryy AIDS or Hepatitis after they've been embolmed and since Jews can't be buried in Jewish cemetaries if they have tattoos, what about the ones who Nazis tatted? I have my buddy working to figure out the latter and I will ask about the former in school Tuesday. So I made it to Knocksville, Tennessee by 5 or 6 pm and found a bar, which had Yuengling on tap!!!! They have it there but not in Ohio or Georgia!! I am gonna look at their website in a bit to find out why! But found a sports bar and again no hotties!! I was disappointed but not as bad since they had my beer! SO I had a couple then was off to find a rest area to sleep at, I ended up driving all the way to Kentucky, I think it was 50 miles or so before I could sleep. It sucks sleeping cramped in a car with a sunburn by the way. Then left about 8 and got breakfast and was off. I got home around 3pm. And that was my trip. No excitment but then again I wouldn't have had any sitting here either, at least I gotta sit on the beach for a while. And I learned that if you go somewhere off season, go somewhere with more people that way you can still find people your age. I should have settled for Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, but live and learn. It was relaxing.

Post break up Myspace

So as we all know random thoughts go through my head all the time... Here's what was just running through my head while shaving my balls(why did I put this...who knows). But when was the last time I spoke of CF here? Did I finish the story? SO we split and "stay friends" until she got with her new boyfriend. So whatever shes got a boyfriend. Well she drops me from her friends list on myspace, when I notice and go to add her again, thinking it was an accident, I notice her default pic is from my bday party! A pic of her and her new boyfriend from MY bday party. How fucked up is that. Well she can't be my friend on myspace or in real life because he is jealous, because he knows she still wants me or whatever. But wait it still gets better, he got a new job in Arizona and she is going to move with him, I think her kids are staying here with their dad, but not too sure... but he moved there early, after he left she is texting me asking me to hang out and come to her going away party thing. WHatever, I am not dealing with anyone with a jealous boyfriend, look back about 3 years to New years girl, I haven't seen or heard from her since her boyfriend refused to let her speak to me... And we had been friends since we were like 13 or whatever. So I told her to run away from her problems and forget about me... But then had me think about when HB and I broke up and she deleted me from her friends list, I asked her to change her screen name, HB Hot Brownie, was a name that Uncle Tom and I came up with, it was like my pet name for her or whatever, and it bothered me thinking that some other guys were calling her a name I gave her or whatever... looking back on it maybe I was overacting or something but it did really bother me... I don't know why. But I think the pic from my bday party trumps it. Lets see whos next and what she can do to trump it? I think it'll be a pic with her, me and the new boyfriend... Only time will tell.

But I am stoked about my vacation coming!!!!! I am starting to feel a little better, I have been sick the past couple days. Did I mention Thursday my grandpa had a lobe (1/3) of his right lung removed, cuz he had cancer. I think I did cuz I remember saying he didn't smoke.... I get confused, someday I'll have to actually look back and read what I've posted instead of always being confused on what I've put on here and on myspace... It's a crazy double life I lead... Damn addictions!!

Dead bodies and affairs...

I hate homework!! On the up side, I got to play with a dead body today. We had a cadaver lab for my EMT class, we got to play with some of the organs and stuff, it was a little freaky at first cuz the head was chopped off and sawed in half. But after poking it a bit and talking about it we all got pretty comfortable passing the heart around and digging into to play with the lungs and stuff. It was interesting, I haven't been around dead people since USU, where they were all across the hall from my office. But I am again procrastonating doing homework. I wrote one paper and should be starting on the 2 others I have to do that are do after spring break, which is next week. I guess I am weird(well duh) people are freaked out when I tell them I am going to Georgia alone for spring break. They ask why there? I said cuz its a warm beach, do you know anyone there? nope. Who's going with you? no one. Do you have reservations? Nope going to sleep on the beach or in my car. They just kinda look at me. My luck it is going to suck and be lonely and boring, but you know what, those are the exact feelings I will be feeling here, I might as well go on an adventure and hope maybe something will happen.
I think the EMT chick is having an emotional affair with me... We text all the time, everyday like hundreds of them. Yesterday she was asking why I am single, I am sexy and cool, and this and that. I said because women are blind!! Ans I am just shy and don't go out and meet anyone. I asked when she was gonna hook me up with someone as hot and cool as her. She starts telling me if her boyfriend doesn't start treating her better she's gonna leave him. And all this shit about him. Here's the thing, in general... people shouldn't be in relationships they are not happy in. Yes they have ups and downs but if in general you are not happy, end it, don't prolong the suffering. This is a mistake I made with the exwife, I was miserable liek the entire time pretty much. But I mean she shouldn't be putting herself or me in this situation. I've thought about it quite a bit because of our discussions. Her and I reguardless will never have a future because I think emotional cheating is just as bad as cheating. Hb and I got into an argument about it before, she called an old friend or someone sexy and this and/or that on a myspace comment and I happened to see it cuz he commented back and I clicked his profile to see who he was. Now granted it could have simply been a compliment, I have been called sexy a couple times just as, but that could just as easily be lusting for someone else(who is not a movie star you will probably never meet or see) and turn into an affair of some type. To me to lust about someone within ur reach is pretty much as bad as acting on it. WHile I was with her, I thought chicks were hot but I never thought "I'd like to fuck her" or make out with her or whatever. I don't know cheating is a big thing that I dispise with a passion!! To me there is a thing as emotional cheating and more than likely it will lead to physical cheating. I am not tooting my own horn here, because I in most cases will lack confidence, but I am fairly confident that if I could get her to come over here and hang out or just me and her went out somewhere I could get her to make out with me. But I am not that kind of person, because I like her as a person and don't want to fuck her over like that, even though her boyfriend has cheated on her and all that shit. Retaliation doesn't help you feel better. I almost want to call it drama, but since our scedules clash, we have just kept it to flirting via text. I think that completes my bitching for now. I need to do another paper!

Sick Puppies!!

So last night I went up to a concert in Toledo. It was an awesome show! My cousin was supposed to go with me but he took a nap and wouldn't wake up, he works first shift. SO I went on by myself. First band was a local one called Beyond this Point. They were pretty decent, nothing too great but not bad. They had some technical difficulties, with mics fading in and out. They did some screaming and stuff and had some mosh pits going. Next up was Saving Abel, I am not putting up links cuz I am tired and going to bed soon! But look them up, they were a great band from the south, they had an awesome song called "Addicted" that was the best, its about fucking! Next up was Dropping Daylight, I have heard of them before but don't recall ever hearing any of their music. They were also really good. They said that every night on the tour they play a different new song live, we got to experience one that I unfortunately don't remember the name of. They have a new CD coming out Tomorrow that I will probably pick up and I suggest you do the same. Also they did a cover of Journey's "Don't stop believin" that kicked fucking ass!! I called my cousin because he loves Journey! Oh yeah a guy behind me asked me to mosh, I said no and he ended up raming into me anyway, I almost lost it, I grabbed him and threw him to the ground but then I caught myself and helped him up. On the plus side he got me closer to the stage and more centered. Last but positivly not least was Sick Puppies!! The sounded great live! Was full of energy, except Emma, she is hot as hell but she seemed bleak and it kinda bothered me. She didn't look up much, I didn't see her smile at all. But Shimon was defiantely in a good mood and constantly was talking to the crowd and made eye contact and gave me five a couple times, I had my hat off, maybe it was cuz I am startin to look kinda like him, my hair is pretty land and looks like his now. But they also did a cover.... I bet you wouldn't be able to guess what in a million years.... give up.... "SAy my name" destiny's child. I'm not sure you can call it a cover, more a rock remix, but it was funny and sounded better than the original to me, but I love ROCK! I was getting a little irritated cuz there was a guy on the wall in frint of me who kept getting pissed about people pushing up on him... We all hate it but deal with it!! He was shoving this chick behind him into a pit and snapped her head back, I was about to punch him in the face but then just turned my attention back to the stage trying to keep out of trouble and just enjoy the great rock show! I only had 2 beers towards the beginning. I was proud of myself for that and for not starting any trouble... here's some pics...


Saving Abel

Dropping Daylight

Emma from Sick Puppies

Shimon from SIck Puppies

The epitomy of hottness

New Tat!

I have been wanting something of a heart with a sword and dagger but I thought it would look kinda gay but then I stumbled onto this drawing by Derek Hess called the Valentine...


SO part of the story is since my sleeve is about my emotions and stuff and I didn't get my heart on over there, I needed my heart on my sleeve. ANd obviously I am damaged... The sword and dagger kinda come from Silversteins lyrics "your sword vs my dagger" and they represent the 2 major traumas that my heart experienced thus far. The sword was the ex wife who as we all know took everything, my whole life... everything I worked hard as hell to get all my furniture and most importantly my son. Even though we didn't get along all that well for most of the relationship she still did me dirty as hell the way it ended and cleaning out my bank account on top of it! And of course the dagger is HB, which I am not going to rehash everything but as I keep saying, it'll be hard to find someone to replace her. My tat guy didn't really like the idea because the drawing was so sketchy he didn't think he could do a good job, he kept sketching it and didn't like the way it looked and tried to get me to change my mind but of course I usually don't when I get my head on something. I picked one of his sketches and said that was perfect, he said he didn't know. He was just afraid of it looking like shit, hes kinda a perfectionist but when he put the stensil on my arm he said he thinks it will work. He ended up likin it and I love it. So here's a pic and Silverstein Lyrics below it.



Silverstein "Your Sword vs My Dagger"
I'm cutting through
You’re bleeding out
And I would tell the truth
But I can’t help myself

red rushes out, dissect this nerve
And I will stop myself
Before I reach my cell

I wasn’t asking for the world
And I know that I’m not one to follow through

All these city streets
The people look the same
And I can see your face
And I can hear your name
I wasn’t asking for the world

Your stabbing in
permanent scars
And you’ll justify
it all inside yourself
You’ve finishED me
my pulse is gone
And you're satisfied to put this all to hell
I wasn’t asking for the world
And I know that I’m not one to follow through

All these city streets
The people look the same
And I can see your face
And I can hear your name
I wasn’t asking for the world

Drink the poison when you think it’s over
Stabbing yourself when you think it’s too late
Tragic endings are your thing
You love them
You love letting go
The endings the same
Drink the poison when you think it’s over
inevitable, Verona lives inside of you

I wasn’t asking for the world
And I know that I’m not one to follow through
All these city streets
The people look the same
And I can see your face
And I can hear your name
I wasn’t asking for the world

Spring break plans

SO Spring break is coming up pretty fast, I've never actually done anything for spring break ever. But since I am now a college man...lol, whatever I just need a fucking break from everything. MY mind is constantly bugging me and I have to do a million different things, granted most are because I want to but I feel obligated to myself to do them. SO I have been planning on going away for spring break, my plans have changed about 100 times. First I was gonna go to England to see Uncle Tom but thats not happening, maybe for Octoberfest. Then I was thinking about Texas to see Chris but I don'tr even talk to him anymore...ever. So whats the point in trying, he's got a completely different life now and is expecting a baby soon so I'm not doing that. I think I finally decided I am just driving to a beach and either sleeping on it or in my car if it gets cold. I originally thought about Myrtle Beach in SOuth Carolina, I haven't been there since I was like 15 or something, it was really nice but I have just been looking at the average weather and stuff and I can go down to Savannah Georgia like 20 minutes faster and it should be like 10 degrees warmer. Plus I've never been there. It will be a 14 hour drive either way. I'd really like to go back to the Grand Canyon but thats too far and I haven't been to a beach forever! I figured if I didn't go anywhere I'd just be sitting at home watching tv being bored, why not do it on a beach. Just take my guitar, some clothes and a sleeping bag. I wish I could take a friend too but no one seems intersted. I've been real lonely lately(HA, the story of my life). Its weird, it's not that I can't be alone it's just I get too used to being alone that when someone tries to come in I can't accept it or something. One of the many things swirling in my head that I don't feel like starting. But a 14 hour drive should give me ample time to sit and argue with my brain and listen to some music. Then who knows what could happen at the beach? Probably nothing but still. I figured I'd only spend money on gas and food if I didn't get a room it shouldn't be too expensive. I don't remember if I mentioned in the last post or not but I am still debating whether or not to quit drinking, obviously if its up for debate that means there is a problem. But I had been controlling it well until this month so who knows where that will go. To be honest I don't really care anymore, I am pretty much beyond caring about anyone(other than my son) and anything. That in itself has been kinda rough, though I hate a lot of people, I have always cared about my friends, but without friends theres nothing you know.... Whatever. I got the outline done on my new tattoo, I have to wait to get ther color next wednesday, I'll put a pic up when it's done.

uhh explaining of last post...

SO I see that I posted on Vday... I seriously hope that is my last binge, that is twice this month that I have probably been close to dying of alcohol poisoning. My bud did end up coming over and drinking with me, but I I don't remember most the night. I drank a whole bottle of Beam. Its a major setback, I have done really good on not keeping any alcohol in my house to be tempted by, I don't usually go out or drink if I do except earlier this month at my friends party. But SInce then I have felt the urge quite a bit to drink more and again... This just confirms my addiction and it really fucks with my head. I need to not give in to loneliness and shit. That shit with LPN who knows, she ignores me half the time, she doesn't seem my type... we got a lot in common, she is hot but I don't think our personalities mesh, we don't see or talk enough to find out. The chick from my EMT class, I have no clue!! She texts me all the time but we never hang out cuz she lives kinda far away and I still don't know whats up with her boyfriend, she says she is trying to find a new place to live and stuff but whatever, I know nothing is gonna come of it cuz it would just be rebound sex, which I am cool with but whatever... I am just horny.. The chick from Substance abuse, I wish...except she is a good catholic girl, probably only like 19 and yeah I don't think I could forgive myself for corupting a little good girl like that... I just need to castrate myself so I'll stop being horny and walkin around lookin for someone to fuck!! Thats all it seems like. I know in my heart I wanna find someone to actually be with but I don't know... I am fucked in the head and it doesn't matter... All chicks just wanna be my friends and I read too deep into a slight hand graze or whatever and then my mind drives me insane! This is why I drink to avoid thinking, hell thinking about this now is makin me wanna go get some! Here I start over again though. I am trying to decide if I have to stop drinking completely or not, aside from the 2 binges I have done good at honoring my 2 drink max and not driving and stuff like that but I am worried for myself, which is good because normally I wouldn't give a shit because at the moment no one else really does. When I am alone I usually drink until I find a reason to stay sober until things start going south and then there I go again. Ugh, now I am just typing round and round.... which reminds me I need to write a note in case I die so someone can write on here that I died and how I died and so my family can read how my life and mind really was... I thought about that the other day... Cuz I wanna keep this private until I decide if and when to share it with my family but if I died it would just be lost. Well I am off to do my puzzle so I can be pissed at it instead of myself...

V-Day murder

So I have been drinking since 1 or so, doing laundry, drawing up my next attoo and stuff. I talked to LPN cuz my friend liked hwe trying to figure out if she felt the same cuz my friend is a lot like me and I figured he'd be too afraid to say something adn apparently she likes me more than him. I have also been talking to a chick in my EMT class thast boyfriend cheated on her like last week cuz I don't know what she wants, it seems she's been hitting on me a bit, but the way I see I need to hit on as many as I can while I can to figure out who is best for me. There is also a hot ass redhead in my substance abuse class that I have been thinking about asking out.... We'll see what the hell happens by the end of tonight... my bet is I'll end up alone and drunk.... That part is almost positive!!! Fuck it I need another drink. FUck you hallmark!!

Substance Abuse

As I mentioned before I am in a Substance Abuse class as part of my certification requirements(its not court ordered this time) and I just finished writing a paper about an article written in 1997 about the passin for madical pot in Cali and Arizona. My dad and I dicussed legalization quite a few times lately, mainly about steriods in baseball that has been over the news quite a bit and we both agree that you aren't going to stop anyone anyway. Look at every illegal drug, name one and I bet you can go out and find it or know someone who can get it. It is illegal but assesible therefore all we do is overcrowd our prisons with non violent "criminals" and leave no space so rapists and kidnappers and murderers get out well pretty fucking fast. I am a former user of well quite a few illegal substance and have been off them for quite a while as well, I know from my past as well as facts and research that alcohol and tobbacco are worse than most of the illegal drugs. Theres always the joke that potheads are to stoned to get up and do anything but its true, you don't hear about potheads commiting violence, its alcohol. Cigarettes are the most addicting substance on earth, more addicting than crack or heroine, it doesn't provide quite the euphoria but it is more addicting.

Who is the government to say what we can or can't do with our bodys? If people want to destroy their bodies doing steriods so they are bigger for a couple seasons of baseball and die faster fucking let them! Am I going to be arrested if I walk up in front of the police station with a knife(whatever the legal size to carry is) and start carving my skin? They may call the looney bin but seriously do they arrest people for tattos or piercings? They are doing the same damn thing, they are messing with their body. What makes these substances worse? I need to look up but is it illegal if I stand there in front of the police station and huff a can of whip cream or computer duster? I just looked it up several sites say in some states but the only one I found for sure is Wisconsin. SO how is it legal for me to walk around and eat cool whip but if I put it to my mouth without shaking it and form a seal and suck just the air out and hold the nitrous oxide in make me doing something illegal? That just pissed me off even worse!!

What I think it mainly comes down to is let the retards kill themselves. If legal then we eliminate drug kingpins and violence and we can tax it and the govt can be happy asses. And I am not just talking about pot, let people do what the fuck they want with their bodies legally because they are going to do it reguardless and it may actually keep kinds from "rebelling" and doing the drugs behind parents backs. Now I am not saying go get fucked up and drive, the DUI thing should still stand which I have violated numerous times but have since stopped, I just crash if I have more than a couple. I am getting more responsible! But seriously What the fuck do you think? I think I provide a pretty good fucking argument and I think all should agree. The opposition will only complain that it shouldn't be available or accepted but it already is!! So that point is

My 600th POST!!

And where to begin it??This month is fucking shit!!! I think it may try to compete with last April! Lets start at the begining... I think I may have mentioned last post that my school fucked up and I didn't get my money for my GI bill for school. So I am broke as hell and can't pay my car payment and have been putting everything on my credit card. The only plus note is I am gettin like 5,000 back from taxes. Ok the second. My friends diaper party. I got trashed!!! Definately drank too much, we ended up going out. I tried talking to chicks when I probably shouldn't have. I got some chicks number and then saw her at a different place and texted her, she called me a dork(I don't know if she was playing around or not) I texted her back to fuck off. We ended up jumping in some girls car, I had a chick on my lap and apparently started making noises like I was gonna barf(I didn't) so that went nowhere, then when we got to his house I puked and passed out outside in the snow. I woke up on the couch and lost my hat, coat, and phone.... I got everything back except my skull cap... anyone who knows me knows how I feel about my hats, I had that one for about 3 years. Third, Patriots lost. 4th, I almost wrecked coming home from work because it was so fucking foggy you couldn't see the road. 5 th was ok at first, I went to a movie with a chick in my EMT class(but she kinda may have a boyfriend, he cheated on her Saturday and since then has been talking to me but they live together), then CF called and wanted to hang out so I met up with her, she was drunk and asking me dumb questions about why we weren't together, I couldn't let her drive home so I brought her home and let her pass out here. Today, I had to get up at 6am to take her to her car after not being able to sleep too good, then came home and couldn't really get back to sleep. When I woke up and tried to get a drink of milk, I found out my fridge/freezer died and all the goceries I bought the other day on my credit card is spoiled!! I got to do my clinicals in the ER, they were busy as hell and pissed when I got there so I didn't get to do anything, then when they calmed down no one else came in. And now here I sit bitching about everything!!!!!!!!

Now after the tradgedy this morning I am convinced that Karma backfires on me. In DC I give bums money, I get fucked over all the time and flat tires and shit. Here I don't let a friends drive home drunk, I kept her hands off me cuz she has a boyfriend now and get up early to take her to her car and my fridge spoils everything I just bought. I mean come the fuck on! I have been horny as hell and could have gotten laid last night but no, I have fucking morals!! And Valentines day is next week. A have been seriously thinking sbout getting a bottle of Beam and drowning in it! Didn't I say that last post? What the fucks next, am I gonna lose a finger or toe? Why does this shit always happen to me? Oh yeah and the pepper spray worked for like 3 days and now my face is breaking out again. It did work fairly well on my back, I figured I might as well share my findings before you go spraying it onyour face and back... Like anyone else is as stupid as I am...but you know what I get bored and tired of everyone else making my life hell, why not just do it to myself...

Pepper spray..?

Its been quite difficult to blog lately just because I am in such a rut. I don't really do anything. I go to school, I go to work, I sit around here, occasionally I hang out with my friends but since I haven't been drinking as much there isn't drunken stupidity. I think it was last week, one night my buddy came over we had some beers bullshited til like 5 am watchin movies and crap. One night we hung out at the bar, had a couple and just bullshitted with some other friends til it closed then we went to his place and played cards. This weekend there may be some craziness we are having a diaper party for him since he is havin a baby and we are gettin a keg. I am not going as crazy as I did for my bday but I may have a few more than normal. A bad thing I found out is my other friend has a thing for the LPN and has been tryin to get with her so I kinda have to repect him and stop flirtin with her, she was at the bar with us last week. It seemed like she was tryin to get to know me but was more flirty with him so I don't know. I told him to let her know how he feels and if he doesn't I will. I was gonna ask her to be my valentine. Gotta push him cause he is like me and will wait until its too late. I'll probably die alone but at this point I don't really give a shit. I know I need to stick to my plans for this year and at least try to talk to random chicks but I'm not goin to force anything. I did talk to this hot little redhead in my substance abuse class. It sucks because it feels like my face gets so red when I talk to them, I wish I knew how to stop that. Then I feel worse because they can see me blushing when I'm just bringing up general conversations and it makes me feel like a little kid or something. I guess thats the thing though I need to practice so it will stop. It a damned double edge sword. Its just weird cuz most the time I don't give a shit what people think of me, if I am irritated with some chick that I don't know I can tell her what the fuck I think but if I just think a chick is cute and say hi or something I freak. Oh yeah in that same class is a chick I used to work with at Taco Bell and used to flirt with all the time. We used to get stoned and shit and now we are in the same substance abuse class...lol. I don't think she is as clean as I am though so I don't think I will be asking her to hang out anytime soon.

On a different note, I sprayed myself with pepper spray today. WHy you ask, because I was bored and when my friends did it in the military they said it cleared up their faces and my face is breakin out bad, so figured why not. It took a while to hurt and then it hurt like hell for quite a while and my face was red for about 2 hours. It better fucking work. I am poor and fucked for this month because the school is fucking retarded. I submitted my papers to get my money from the military when I signed up and they haven't submitted them yet. I called and asked about it, they said they would do it sometime next week. I should be getting paid for it this week! That is about $1,000 that I now don't have to pay my bills. Thanks assholes. So I am gonna have to put it all on my credit cards and hope I get it quickly or my income tax. Retards. Well I think I am gonna fuck around on the web and then finish my laundry. I feel like going and puttin a bottle of Jim Beam on my card and getting plastered!!!! But I won't, I'll get some drinks Saturday with friends. I am not going to start drinking alot, alone again!!

Music is a blessing and a curse

So it took quite a while after HB for me to be able to listen to certain CDs because it made me think of her. There were the Stars, Billy Talent, 30 Seconds to Mars, and well half od my music. But lately the thought of her has been diminishing. I am able to listen to those bands without problem, some with even found memories. Billy Talent I believe was our last concert and a blast... check out their live album 666!! But I was just watching scrubs cuz that show is cool and funny and this song comes up that just kinda smacked me in the face... If you scroll down on my playlist its the last song. Its a good, sad, song but it just hit a nerve even though I never heard it before. I'm not saying I'm never gonna be happy with anyone else or anything but at times I do wonder if I will heres the lyrics.

RHETT MILLER- "Come Around"

I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
I'm depressed upstairs and I'm remembering where
And when and how and why'd you have to go so far
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night
You came on to me and opened up my heart
I was hollow then till you filled me in now I'm empty again
I should have never let it start
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do
But you're the only one you are the only one
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
So come around so come around
I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart

Uhh School...

Occasionally through the week or when I am lying in bed trying to sleep, I think of something or a topic that I wanna talk about on here but it always seems that by time I have the time to... I forget. So I survived my first week of school last week, I think I am going to like this semester. Fist class is substance abuse, the teacher seems pretty cool, plus we get to talk about drugs all day... The first class we had to anonomously write what drugs, legal or illegal, we have taken the last 6 months... for me this didn't include any illegal but I thought about writing some of the stuff I did before that. Other classmates had quite a list, we wrote them all out on the board just to see all the variety we had. Second is Cultural Diversity again the teacher seems cool, so far we just read at home then discuss in class, no notes no nothing really. The book itself is just interesting to read so far, its just called Race, class, gender. Its just a bunch of writings about peoples lives and oppression and stuff, I've only read like 3 of them but its cool. The only one I worry about is my online class about Ethics in Health care, only cuz its hard for me to do it or read... I don't know why. I find myself on mypace instead or here doing this...lol. Other than class, nothing is happening. I am boycotting American Idol, I refuse to watch it. I just watch Family Guy instead it is more entertaining. Oh yeah Heath Ledger was found dead a couple hours ago, I guess he got too into his role as Joker in Batman... My dad just kept sayin he'd OD too if he ws known as that gay cowboy...

Its always 2 out of 3

I guess thats why theres a song about 2 out of 3 aint bad. Well last night right after I shut off the tv and laid down to sleep my buddy texted me to come out and since its a goal this year, I got up and went out and I only drank 2 beers but I didn't talk to any ladies... though I did finally see the LPN again and she gave me a hug, she may have been drunk though she didn't talk much, she was dancing with her friends. Any place with dancing isn't a good place for me to try to strike up a conversation since I don't dance... Plus I always think of the Dane Cook skit were its a girl and shes going on about "no guys tonight, I just wanna dance!" But it was still a pretty good time, we hung out and shot the shit.

Tomorrow is my first day with my new classes, maybe I'll get lucky and have some cool ass hot chick in there. But I just had a conflicting though while I was in the shower and about my life goals: I always say fuck the world and lifes a bitch then you die and you always hear seize the day and all this shit. Well these sayings kinda say to drink, fuck, and party in case you die tomorrow... And this is against the way I have been living. I have been focusing more on trying to make myself better for the future that I may not have... I am conflicted and don't really have a good argument about why I should keep bettering myself. I'm still gonna keep on the way I am going but it kind of makes me regret the thought popping up. I just thought I'd share that thought to see if it boggles any one elses mind or if I am just a moron...

Oh I saw the movie Control about the life of Ian Curtis of Joy Division. The movie was pretty fucking good. It reminded me of Kurt Cobain even though it was way before him. But young star with crazy kind of life, and medical problems that he doesn't know how to deal with. Except Ian didn't show him doing drugs he was just torn between 2 women

My head just may explode....

Why... I don't know. I have been real antsy this past week or so. I think it has to do with the weather. It was 68 the other day!!! It was nice as hell, the temp has been between 30-10 the past months and out of nowhere it was warm, then some thunderstorms hit and now its cold again... Monday I went up to the gym at school before work since I needed to do something and oh my gawd was I sore yesterday and then yesterday was my first day back for my EMT class so I went and worked out again and I am sore as hell today but it feels so damn good!! I almost want to go back today since I have nothing to do but I know my body needs to rest. I have been so fucking bored, almost hoping for homework from school next week, though I know in 2 weeks I am probably going to be stressed and going crazy, if its not one extreme its the other! Lately I have just been strumming on my guitars (for some reason the electric's strings fuck up my fingers more) til my fingers hurt, then work on my simpsons puzzle til I start to go blind from focusing on the little fucking pictures, then play on the computer and wait for something to come on tv, every once in a while I play my simpsons game that I already beat but need to go back and find all the little secret shit I missed. Gawd I am a boring ass dork!! But you know what I am staying out of trouble so I guess thats what counts most... though I guess I'm not getting out like I am supposed to but I have to wait on friends for things like that... Its hard though, I've been thinking about missing my old friends and old times like usual but it was easy in the military. Here there is nothing really to do but get drunk or do drugs and I don't really want to do either, you know. I don't mind drinks every once in a while, I think I average once every 2 weeks or so. At least when there is a UCF PPV I go up to the bar to watch it. But I don't need or want to be around it all the time especially the way the stupid asses act around here! And all my old friends other than the 2 I hang out with now were and still are into drugs and shit... with my addictive personality and feeling like shit most the time I would fall right back into that shit... For some reason people tend to dislike me here. I don't really know why all I do is speak my mind, we are not in high school, I don't talk behind peoples back, if I don't like you I will tell you that you are annoying and be quiet. A couple of the people I met seem to prefer people who lie and backstab. fuck them... Anyway there I go off on a tangent again... Well its about time to do either my puzzle or video game... fun fun!!

Happy New Year

So this is my first post of 2008! For new years I ended up going to my cousins new place and hanging out and having a few drinks, it was a pretty good time, I didn't drink that much. There were some wasted guys there that were being annoying and my cuz is pregnant and obviously couldn't drink so I kinda helped her clean up the messes they made since her boyfriend ended up passin out. Now I don't make resolutions but one of the things I have been thinking about that I need to focus on this year is being selfish and having confidence, these are the next big things on my list to be better. The alcohol thing is something I am continually working on, but I think working on those 2 things may help. Lets look at the reasons I usually drink or drank actually... 1. Boredom, this I am doing a puzzle and play ps2 to try to fight, tv is getting boring and I need to find a book or something. 2. To open up socially, I use it as a crutch if I am afraid to talk to a chick at a bar or whatever, I drink so I won't care and then when I still don't say anything I drink because I failed. 3. To deal with things, well period. If I had more confidence it would help well 2 out of 3, not much cure for boredom, I have been fucking with my guitar more but still sound like shit. Being selfish, this has been a problem too... I am always worried about other people, I always put others before myself. Even if we look back to my last big single period, I wasn't being selfish I just got drunk and found fuck buddies, thats all I really did. I didn't do anything for myself. I'm still not too sure how to be selfish, its not like I have money to spend on myself but I will try to find ways... I need to get back to the gym I feel lazy as shit!! Luckily I haven't lost any of my muscle even though I really havent done shit since school got out. Anyways back to selfish and confidence and fighting the alcohol. These 3 things need to be my mission this year. I need to make time to go out(selfish) actually meet and talk to chicks(confidence) I don't need to get numbers or fuck or anything, I just need to be able to start conversations with them for me to learn that its ok, I am not gonna die or get maced or what the fuck ever goes through my fucking body keeping me from doing it!! And all this needs to be accomplished without being wasted, I will allow 2 drink max when I go out! Thats it, thats all I need to do this year, again not a resolution because those are things that people try to force on themselves and end up failing and being more pissed. I think they can be acomplished

Reflections...

Why do I always do the (....) thing.... I don't know. SO I didn't get any pics of my friends band on christmas, it turned out to be kinda a crazy night! I went up there BSed with him for a while enjoyed some music, he kicked ass like always. My friend and a couple of his friends showed up a couple guys were fucking with us, it was about to turn into a fight and my ex brother in law was there so I was uncomfortable so we went to a different one. We walk in and a guy I almost got into a fight with on my birthday was there, we sat at the bar and oredered a drink and he glared at me then wispered to his friends and the glared at me. I kinda thought I was imagining things but my friend saw it too. Then my ex brother in law showed up wasted and kept buying me drinks and talking shit about my ex. I kept saying I didn't wanna talk about it. He ended up knowing my friends friend, they ended up in a back room, there was a crowd yelling and pulling people out. I got the guy out and he left, my ex bro in law got arrested. I still haven't got the story as to what happened, but he was probably talking shit, both were wasted and started fighting. Dumbasses!

I titled this reflections but I'm not sure how much I really wanna reflect on. I have felt pretty lonely lately, I have managed to keep myself out of depression, how I have no idea. I have kept myslef from buying a bottle! Lookin back this has been a really rough year. Starting this year I had a friends, love, a plan, money, and the world in front of me ready to be conquered! Now I sit alone in a one bedroom apartment my parents own that I don't even pay rent in, don't really have any close friends left. I got the4 couple here but its hard to really open up to them, plus it's not like I have much to say, they don't really know all the players from back... like how much I miss Chris and I am mad he never talks to me anymore, I had to find out he is having a baby from HB, just by chance because I wished her a merry christmas. I sent him a message saying congrats and he never replys anymore. I miss the closeness I had with him and HB, I told both of them everything without any fear of rejection or anything. They would give me good advise, even if I never really followed it it's nice to know that someone is there for you. The 2 friends I have here, ones girlfriend hates me, the other guy trys to hang out when he can but he works 2nd too and lives a ways away. I don't know what I expect or even want, my last girlfriend wasn't really that fun, perhaps I just want that girl to show up and give me those butterflies again. To fight through the fear of the first kiss and all that, with CF I was too drunk to even remember, so it lost all thrill. Who fucking knows. At times I just want to run away! Start over somewhere new again, or go back in the Navy, but I can't leave my son again... He definately needs some sort of stability. And I can't sacrifice him, I must sacrifice myself. Will I grow to hate him because of it, NO because running away wouldn't solve anything, I'd just end up a stranger somewhere else lonlier than I am now. I am almost excited for school to start back up, I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks now I think!! I try to work out around the house but all I have is 2 dumbells and I am not running in this fucking cold!! Maybe I just have too much energy that needs burnt off... I need a new fuck buddy!!

Merry mutherfuckin Christmas

I'm off to the bar!!! My friends band is playing there, hopefully I won't get too drunk. It should be fun, I haven't seen him for a while since he moved down to Columbus. Today wasn't too bad, hung out with my family, got some cool presents. Got a new amp for my guitar finally since I havent had one since my exwife pawned it!! and got the Simpsons game! Some clothes and other things that aren't as fun.... Hope everyone has a safe happy holidays!! I'm tryin not to be the scrooge though I still hate the holiday!! I think its an awesome idea that my buddy and other bands are playin tonight!!