Catching up...

SO I know I haven't posted much, thats because (big suprise) nothing has really been up til this week at least. SO I've just been up to the usual, go to work, spend time with my son and thats about it. My savings has dwindled down to nothing trying to survive without my GI Bill and my paycheck doesn't pay for shit! Well I don't think I mentioned a new guy that I work with at work, to be honest I don't really remember if I have ever really mentioned work on here other than people pissing me off. I guess I should read my own blog sometimes since I am forgetful as hell and when I data dump on here I forget what all spewed from my brain. So in case, I work with MR/DD people, mentally retarded/developmentally disabled. The one guy I've worked with the year I been working there is pretty cool, sometimes annoying but all in all a good person and pretty easy to work with. Well I got a new guy to work with once a week for 4 hours I have to pretty much take him out and entertain him. Sounds pretty good. Well he's autistic and doesn't talk and doesn't really communicate, which makes it kinda difficult. He's had problems with staff before but he seems to like me. He's only a couple years younger than me so I think he likes to just hang out with me cuz of that. SO I have to take him around and try to keep him busy, it seems so far he screams when he pays for meals after eating them like at restraunts but he is fine paying before like fast food places... I am still trying to figure him out. I've tryed writing yes and no on a paper because they said he could read but he will always just point to yes, no matter what you ask. This is the first autistic person I've ever actually met. I was starting to think they were myths on TV like bigfoot or something(just kidding)
SO School started on Wednesday, I am back to school for my LPN hopefully, I got classes Mon-Wed. I got my old Psych teacher for one class and my Biology teacher is teaching my CHemistry labs apparently so that will probably suck ass! And my Comp teacher is hot and single so lets try up on that and see where that goes. Yeah I'm sure I'm the only one thinking about that too. TOday I bought a scooter. SO I encured another loan but I figure it will pretty much pay for itself in gas within a year. I'll be saving like $5 a day riding it to school. I only rode it home from the dealership since I have a motorcycle permit and didn't have insurance yet but I got it today so I can ride it around tomorrow and start breaking it in. But thats pretty much what I've been up to. I'll try to keep better informed and perhaps shake things up a bit so I have something to actually blog about!!

The fall...

It started last week. On tuesday I was suppsed to be starting with a new person for once a week at my job. He is a guy close to my age with autism. I work up to my computer crashed. I was downloading new music. I was pissed and tried fixing it in an hour before heading to my cousins for my weekly hanging out and trying to help be a good role model to him and helping him pratice his guitar between his lessons as well as for myself to learn what he has learned. I went and hung out and then went to meet my new guy who ended up having a fit after we picked him up and ate dinner, he threw the lady who was training mes glasses across the room. SO he was picked up by his parents. I took my computer to my friends dads who is a computer guy. He figured out my hard drive was fried and had an extra one. He stayed up late fixing it and putting all the crap back on it. The next day I brought it home and started to put all my stuff back on it. I tried to download anti-virus software and ended up getting viruses! An hour after I brought it home. I was moments away from smashing it. But he spent so much time to help me, he had recently went surgery for brain cancer. I felt like a dick for letting this happen. SO instead I put on my gloves and hit my puching bag for almost an hour, straight hard asss punches. When I took off my gloves, my knuckles were skinned alive! It was bad, they have been bleeding and oozing since, everytime I bend them they crack open. It sucks. Well, I was due to go to Rhode Island, right about now actually, to visit my friend who is on mid break from Iraq, I haven't seen in a lonjg time, if you are an old reader it is CG that I used to hang out with. Well she was talkin mad stuff about me visiting then she wouldn't give me her addy, a number or call me since she's been back. I'm hoping its just her being busy and shit even tho, she read my message and left me a comment about being home and shit on myspace. But who knows, I am just upset about it all!Then shit with school starting soon, lack of money, bills, and the lack of confidence about going to England to visit Ech her this fall. I have just been pissy and on the rocks. That and the fact that I haven't been laid in shit very close to a year!!! That is crazy! I need to get some ass!! But I don't wanna get another skank and all that horeshit. Oh yeah I did cave in last week and smoked some weed, finally, only once but damn it fucked me up and made me paranoid as shit!! It'd been like 6 years or so! I have been just craving an escape from it all, it was nice for a night I have been cravin trip too!! I miss that shit! Who knows if I'll find any or do any, and to be honest who cares? Well fuck it, just trying to survive the best way I know how, and I have stress to relieve that I can't seem to do in other ways!

The Kills and The Black Keys

So I bought these tickets way back when they were first announced, during pre-sale actually. I love the Kills and It made me listen to the Black Keys and they are badass as well. So They were supposed to play Headliners in Toledo, which was now my concert spot. It wasn't as cool as The Black Cat in DC but it was the best for this area. Well a couple weeks ago I saw it was moved to a new venue, the Toledo Civic Theater. SO I kept my hopes up, this was to be the first concert at this place. Well come to find out the fuckin local government had spent a shitload of money repairing this building and somehow shut down Headliners and all the acts that were due to go there are now going to the Civic. Well the Civic is a hanger for a small plane. Picture that, it has food and shit on the sides and beer. I didn't try the food because I am poor, but looked pretty good. In the back were food court tables. Apparently the govenor was there and stuff but whatever. And up front, the stage is up about 3 or 4 feet, with steps the whole length of the stage in front, and then a baracade in front of that, so if your against the rail, you are still like 4 ft from the stage, it isn't close and personal like headliners. Headliners had enough space for security to catch surfers and that was it.

There were no opening bands, frist up was the Kills, VV was looking as hot as ever!! They kicked ass as always! The played a good mix of songs off their new and old albums. I was getting pissed cuz people in the crowd were talking shit and asking if they were done yet, if my knuckles weren't already fucked up I was about to punch one guy. I'll explain the knuckles later. I was pissed they had no merch and didn't come out and mingle..at least that I saw. And because of the crappy shit I explained at the begining, I didn't get any good pics.

Black Keys Had a great light show, definately played for the hippies. But they did rock. I've been listening to 2 of their albums and they played a lot of songs I didn't know so I don't know if they were from earlier one, I think I had their latest. But it was hot as hell so I grabbed a beer and headed back a ways and instead of a mosh pit, there was a hippie dance pit... Uncle Tom would have felt right at home! But the music all night was pretty good, I was just disappointed in the venue and really don't wanna go back, I know there are a couple other smaller venues around, hope that the bands will go there so I can check them out. But thats all for now, hope to update on life soon....

Cruefest!!

Cruefest kicked ass, just as expected! It started out rough, I was drinking the night before with my friends and I was doing good, I only drank 2 beers but then they started getting shots and I had to do them. I didn't do as many as them only when someone bought round of them. Then I had to help my buddy take 2 of them to his place cuz they were wasted and help carry them in the house and all that fun stuff. I didn't get home til about 4 in the morning and we were supposed to leave around 9. Then my cousin and her boyfriend were running late so we ended up not leavin til after 10. I was a little dehydrated and tired as hell but I knew I'd be alright when the music started. So we drove the 3 hours over to Indianapolis. All good, we get there just as they open the parking lot, but the gates weren't open so we had to sit in the hot as sun for about an hour and thats when I started to feel like shit... Still not that bad but bad enough that I was uncomfortable. This was my first stadium show since well I don't know if you count warped tour or HFStival, if not then Lynyrd Skynyrd when I was about 16 or so. But we get in and we had seats that were almost to the lawn. Trapt was pretty good they played some old and new stuff. Sixx:AM was fucking amazing! James Michael is a magnificent singer! And DJ Ashba was blazing on the guitar. We ended up getting a pic with James and my cousins Boyfriend found DJ Ashba and got a pic with him while I was getting something to drink...fucker. Then Papa Roach was pretty good. Buckcherry was too, but my cuz kept saying he thought he was lip singing every other song cuz he'd pull the mic away and the voice was still going for a second. Throughout the whole concert my cuz was texting with a chick we met on myspace and he's been chatting with, she was down in the pit. The plan was to get her and her moms tickets to get me and him down there for Motley Crue. Well she met a guy who printed off extras, since you have to show them and they punch a whole in them and give you a wristband. So we get them and we get in, then fucking security came over and said they seen us earlier in the seats and said she knew we weren't supposed to be down there, she asked to see out tix, we showed her and she said she knew but couldn't do anything. So we were happy as fuck. We were up close and personal with Motley fuckin Crue! The smoke, lights, and flames messed with some of my pics, some were crystal clear while others looked pixilated when I was the same distance and all that jazz, but whatever. It was great! Defianately recommend seeing this tour, they said they are planning on doing it every year!! Can't wait for the next one!


BadAss!!!


Rock Gods!!


Tommy Lee!


My cousin's boyfriend and I with James Michael of Sixx:AM

A quick ass update

I know I haven't typed on here in a while but not a whole lots been up. Only the usual, WOrk, spend time with my son, and chill and do absolutely nothing. Though tonight I have been tearing up a bar I worked at for a while with my cousin just having fun, haven't drank much, and bout to go back with some of my friends when the get off work in about 20 minutes. Tomorrow is Cruefest in Indy!!! So I can't stay up too late or drink too much cuz I have to drive 2 1/2 hour around 9 or 10 to Indianapolis to see some badass bands. Hopeully I will get a report and some pics up within the next couple of days.

And special note for Uncle Tom if/when you read. I need to Know if my trip out there in October is happening for sure or not! ASAP! I know u got TDYs and syuff but I need to try to plan accordingly.

Love All!

The weekend...

It was a little crazy, lots of fun. Friday was the 4th of July, I went to a party of a chick that was in my EMT class cuz I hadn't seen any of them in a long time and the one that was flirting with me alot has been flirting via texts again. She said she was gonna be there and proceeded to explain the things she was gonna do to me.... So I go out there and before she came she sent me a text explaining that her boyfriend had a change in plans and was coming with her. So things were a little awkward so I bounced and went to hang out with my cousins. We lit off some fireworks and had a good time, was playing my guitar next to the fire and talking. He kept talking about a foam party at a club but it was pretty far away. I was explaining how I needed to get laid... I have became a born again virgin... I haven't gone this long without sex since I started having sex! its been 10 months! I explained to him that I am trying to be good, no more hoggin, trying not to just pick chicks up and do it. I need to grow up a bit... I've had my time of doing all that crap. Well his brother was also having a party about an hour away so at like 1am he decides we should go. SO we did, they were wasted, we hung out for a while and then had to take one of his friends home on our way. We ended up in some wierd house with a guy cleaning blood off his arms cuz he just beat the shit out of some guy who he claimed punched him in the face first. They were all pretty drunk, we were sober so it was strange. We were walking with them to someone elses house through alleys and then there were headlights and everyone froze. I had flash backs of when I used to be a troublemaker, then I realized I hadn't done anything wrong, I wasn't drunk, I didn't witness the fight or even actually know anyones names other than my cuz's boyfriend. So we walked for a bot and then I finally got him to leave. We got back and I came home to go to bed, I got home around 530am. slept for a while then Saturday I went to my buds house, we walked uptown for a car show and just kinda hung out then went to the bar to watch the UFC fight, there were some douche bags there that pretty much took over our table. Some guy kept rubbing up on me til I told him to get away from me before I cracked his head open. He walked away. The chick from my class kept texting me telling me she was gonna come hang out but I knew she was full of shit, she's a fuckin drama queen. So I came home and crashed. Sunday was my buddies dads bday. He recently had surgery, he had a brain tumor that they removed. We had a cookout and swam and had a good time. It is also SM's dad for those of you who have read for a while. So she was there and her ex-husband/boyfriend or whatever the fuck he is was there, he has been allowed in the house since her dad got out of the hospital but no one likes him. This was like the 3rd time I have met him, he's a stupid douche but whatever. We hung out, had a good time then I cam home and watch Hancock illegally on the internet. That movie was awesome!!!! Go see it, or download it or whatever, it was great!

All in all, it was a good weekend, good times, crazy times, sober times, and the only thing that would have made it better was some ass. But can't complain. Hope everyone else had a good 4th of July weekend and enjoyed the freedoms that people have fought to protect!

Crazy dream!

So I usually don't remember my dreams in the morning, but those I do are wierd enough that I write them down on a book I keep by my bed to look up thier meanings when I get a chance. I've kept this for pretty much the entire year I've been back in Ohio, its got some crazy shit on it, but it isn't quite a full page long yet. Well the night before last I had one of those falling dreams that usually wakes you up, you know the ones I am talking about, but somehow I managed to keep myself in it. So I was at some college or something, it was dorms. I get on the elevator and there was another person on it. I didn't know what floor I was going to but I pushed 4. It started going up and then dropped down to the bottom, it did this several times, before going up and when the doors were about to open, it dropped and somehow slid out into the parking lot. The other person and I were ok and we hopped out and said well I guess this ones broken. There were a bunch of chicks on a balcony asking if I was ok. I said yeah, they invited me up. I took the stairs this time. I knocked and some random chick answered, I told her that people on the balcony invited me up. She walks away and I walk in, she pointed to the hallway, I walk down it and into a bedroom, where several girls are lying on a bed lifting small weights and the girls on the balcony say hi and then I woke up. HEres what the dram dictionary says about elevators.

Elevator

To dream that you are ascending in an elevator, signifies that you will quickly rise to status and wealth. You may have risen to a higher level of consciousness and are looking at the world from an elevated viewpoint. Descending in an elevator, denotes that misfortunes will crush and discourage you. The up and down action of the elevator may represent the ups and downs of your life go emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious.

To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off, symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control.

Like I said I usually don't remember any of my dreams and I still remember this one vividly is crazy. I guess I am unbalanced and gain stuff and lose them quickly. This seems about right, I am happy for a while then things go to shit. But my emotions out of control? I don't really think so. I don't have many emotions lately. I don't really think about it or them. I just try to appreciate every moment for what it is, just a moment. But thought I'd share. Let me know if anyone has their own interpretation. As for the chicks, no idea and the dictionary didn't really help there.

Calmed down...

So yeah I was pretty upset yesterday, but I was able to keep myself under control. Its been storming off and on and it stopped so I went for a walk. I ended up on the train bridge over the river. I took some cool pictures and stuff (if your my friend on myspace you can see them) and contemplated jumping, not to die of course but its hot and sweaty and sticky muggy, I thought it might be fun and refreshing. But I thought I heard that recently someone jumped off one and didn't come back up and ended up missing so I figured maybe I'll wait til I have a life jacket or something. Then I walked to the library which used to be a fort back in Indian days, it has 2 old cannons, one of them points at the baseball field across the river. I find it amuzing. But I just walked around town listening to my music and chilling out. I did end up meeting some buds for a couple drinks but only had 2 and didn't stay too late since I had a meeting this morning for work. Today I went for a walk again, I found that there is nothing on TV at 6pm, and that its been done raining around 5-530, so it makes for a good time killer until Jeopardy at 730, sure I miss the Simpsons at 7 but I've seen them all. I know I shouldn't plan my life around the TV scedule but it works well. Today I went to the cemetary, I went to visit my uncle that dies last year and started all the bad things that happened the following 2 months. I took my camera and took pics of the woods and river that ran behind the cemetary and the flags on the military section of graves. I wish I had a good camera! But I make due with what I've got, I've been taking mostly black and white pics, I enjoy them alot. It reminds me of when I was big into photography, I still have my enlarger(to make prints from film) in my old room downstairs at my parents. There is nothing on tv, so I figured I'd blog then maybe read some more Poe and then play my guitar. I know me and my wild Friday nights!! Maybe I'll go rollerblade if it cools down... who knows...

Fuckin DUI

So saturday I got a call from an EMT place here in town, they asked me to come in for an interview. I did, everything went great. You get paid to sit on your ass most the time, and the runs they make are usually not to big of emergencies and it just sounded like a great job. They took all my information and said they had to run it, I told them about my DUI about 3 years ago. They guy didn't know if it would be a problem or not. Well he called back today and said that the corporate said they couldn't hire me. Fucking bullshit!! It was 3 fucking years ago, I did my time, paid my ass of, went to classes and had my shit suspended and had my insurance go up as well as being the jackass of my duty station. And still after all the fucking changes in my life, they don't give a shit, its a fucking mark on my record! I don't know what to fucking do. I am pissed, I am upset! My son was going to go back to his moms tonight since I have a meeting in the morning. I want to go get a bottle, I wanna go fucking tear something up. This was my chance and what now? I have been pissed that I did this work to become an EMT and then couldn't find a job and now that they are hiring they can't hire me!! Fucking bullshit!! I am literally fucking pulling my hair out right now! This was my break to get a good job with steady hours, so I could get a fucking house and fucking start to settle into a real life. But no!! I know I can't drink today, obviously but that is the first thing I thought of. FUCK I need to find something to do...

Omne Ignotum Pro Magnifico

Iwanted to start with some old school lyrics. I popped in my old ICP Cd the other day and heard this song that is quite touching and signifigant from such a goofy band... And it starts out the way I feel alot of the time....

"Nothing's Left" By Insane Clown Posse

Man.... I love you guys
Man shut the fuck up man. Why you always gotta ruin the moment?
Man fuck you.
AINT NUTTIN HERE LEFT FOR ME SO I'M OUT THIS BITCH
FUCK STAYIN' HERE. I'M BUSTING THE FUCK OUT NOW
WE OUT THIS MUTHA FUCKA RIGHT NOW

There's no story that ain't been told
There's no gimmick that ain't been sold
There's no ocean that never been swam
There's no jobber that ain't been slammed
There's no road that ain't been traveled
There's no doctor that ain't been baffled
Ain't no thug that never cried
Ain't no preacher that never lied
There's no rumor that ain't been passed
Ain't no question that no one's asked
There's no tree that won't get chopped
There's no bomb that wont get dropped
Ain't no path that no one's laid
Ain't no beast that ain't been afraid
There's no feat that no one can
There's no saga that never began

Ain't no snow that didn't melt
There's no punch that ain't been felt
There's no skill that no one's learned
There's no planet that He ain't turned
There's no view that never dissolved
There's no problem that ain't been solved
There's no tale that no one's told
There's no beauty that won't get old
There's no garden the sun ain't beamed on
There's no shoulder that ain't been leaned on
There's no color that ain't been seen
Purple Red Yellow Blue Forest Green
There's no desert that ain't seen rain
Nobody here that ain't felt pain
There's no bigot that ain't been clowned
There's no treasure that I ain't found
Ain't no cave they never explored
Ain't no mother that ain't been ignored
There's no leader that ain't been lead
There's no blood that ain't been shed
There's no dish they never made
Ain't no brick they never laid
Everything left's been done before
Nothings new, nowhere to explore

On the day when the wagon's come I just pray that you let me on
Wont you let me on, Wont you let me on, Wont you let me on.....


SO I've been thinking a lot about the straight edge shit and I know I could never do it. But I am serious about stopping the excessivness of my life. When it comes to alcohol, why do I drink... I drink to excape, to get away, at times to relax, at times to have fun, and I can usually find any reason. Does drinking make me feel? No I can feel everything without it. I can remember everything without it. I can still act like an ass or myself without it. Then why is it that I drink and at times in excess. There is honestly no good reason that I can find. Does a beer taste good with a steak, yes... That is about the only times that one genuinely just feels good. After a hard day, yeah kinda but that goes back to the relaxing thing that could be accomplished by.... realxing. Plus when the people around me drunk and acting up, I can be the voice of reason instead of the dumbass causing the problems. Will it be easy, I doubt it. I've thought about drawing the Xs on my hands before I go out sometimes just to remind me. I may need some of my friends help, will they I'm sure... will they occasionally try to get me to drink... more than likely. But you know I am tired of being that guy. The guy that at times just goes a little overboard. Luckily I haven't really done anything too bad or gotten into trouble but it is just getting tiring. I can enjoy shit with a soda, I can have some juice or an energy drink. I don't need to be excessive in anything. Lets see how long this lasts... I am seriously and been thinking about it with a clear head. This is not for regret or to right a wrong. This is just me needing to better myself and fix one more of my many flaws. Theres no mountain that ain't been climbed.... In other news I don't remember if I mentioned readin the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe, but that is making me feel dumb. I have been having to read the paragraphs over and over again and its just crazy. I bought the book a while back and just read some of my favs out of it but now am reading the wqhole thing and its pretty hard, but I need to sharpen my mind anyway... My ex wants our son for the weekend and I am off so this weekend is gonna be the perfect time for me to test my will power, if I can find people to hang out and get out. Keep yall updated.... and the title is "Everything unknown is taken for magnificent." the unkown can be scary or crappy but it can also be magnificent...

Home...?

So lets start with Friday nights fuck ups. SO went and hung out with some friends ended up getting trashed in a different town. Don't remember all the details, my buddy almost got into a fight with someone, I ended up keeping him out of it. The apparently someone kept talking shit to me, but I just blew him off calling him a dumbass, then we ended up walking around town and deciding to go to church. We walked to the tall thing we saw in the sky and assumed was a church, it ended up being city hall, thankfully it was locked up tight... we tried every door, pounding on them... I passed out on a strangers couch, luckily friends were there too. I made myself puke a couple times to try to feel better but didn't work. I was supposed to go see SAliva agin but didn't happen. I took a nap and caffine pills, made me feel better in time for work.

I keep thinking about it and wondering why I end up doing stupid shit and drinking in excess. Obviously its plagued me on here plenty times before. I recently even thought about going straight edge since I have quit smoking but we all know that I will not give up alcohol completely, especially since I am planning on going to Oktoberfest. But I do need to learn self control. Most of the time the first step to recovery is hitting rock bottom, I never have. I have fucked up quite a bit but I have never really lost it all. This could be, plus the times since I have been back to Ohio are usually when I have nothing to do or anything to come home to. Like when I don't have my son. I have had my time to party and shit before I came back, I don't understand why its not out of my system.

While I was thinking about this on my way home from work tonight, I was listening to Foo Fighters newest album and the last song "Home" came on. It got me thinking that I don't remember the last time I felt home anywhere. Honestly I can't. Obviously I live somewhere, I haven't ever actually been homeless but while I was a teen, I couldn't wait to move out and be "free". The house I lived in was not my home even though I lived there for 17 years, it was more like a prison for me. Then I bounced places with my soon to be ex-wife, a couple apartments, living with her aunt a couple times. Then there were different places and obviously never making myself to much at home, always planning on moving.And even here now, I am hoping to someday get a better job and get a house. Could this have something to do with my excess.... probably not its probably a mix of many things, but it could be. Its probably just a scapegoat that I could use. But just thoughts... Its something I need to be more conscious about and not give in to the temptation, maybe only take a couple bucks with me or something. Friday started out ok but then there were shots and more drinks and then we somehow had a bottle and was drinking out of it, that Disarono... shit is good!! Anyway.... Lets see if I can actually change or what...

It all falls apart

Fuck I think of things I wanna blog about and then once I get to my computer I forget. I guess all the drugs I did in High school did do something to my memory. My life is really starting to get on my fucking nerves. During the days when I have my son it isn't too bad, we go to the park we play games and have fun and I forget my misery for most the day. But once he is in bed I sit in front of the TV and think about how lonely I am, how I only have 3 friends that I still don't confide in... how I miss my old friends! I just want to run away!! This fucking town sucks!!! There is nothing to do, the people are fucking stupid, and there are no jobs, no way to fucking move up! This is not a place to live, its a fucking death trap! I escaped once only to get drug back to it. The sacrifices we make for our children. I actually have no fucking idea how I am still managing to function. I have the emmence fucking desire to just go fucking get messed up on every drug I can find and wander the earth in a stupor. I guess its all for my son, our relationship is finally going good and he have been having fun and everything, now if only I could keep him doing good in school next year. What the fuck is with all these storms going across the country? We were at a cook out last weekend and just out of nowhere the winds picked up and dark clouds rolled in. We finished eating and put everything away and then it got calm as hell and then sirens started going off and by time we ran into the garage a wall of fucking rain and wind hit us...hard. It was crazy! I need to get away but don't really have the money for it. Hell I don't really have money for food, I realized the other day, I made some spanish rice that it is the third thing I have cooked on the stove in the year I have lived here. I cook pizza, eggs, and that rice. Everything else I can make in the microwave. I miss cooking, I miss having a bigger place, I miss having fucking money, I miss my old life!! I hate bitching about this over and over again, but its all that really goes through my head. How much I hate this shit, I try to make it better, make due with what I have, try to be happy but it all falls apart.

school....?

I haven't been thinking about blogging much lately, obviously the last couple post are all the same. So has all my days, bitch, moan, don't do much, and repeat. I've been poppin caffine pills, thats helped on curving my appetite so I'm not eating all the time. They aren't as fun as when I was a teenager and poppin them though.... I've been drinking those rockstar energy drinks since I am a rockstar and cause they taste good and give ya a good fucking kick in the heart, but they are not on sale anymore so I ended up buying a bottle of caffine pills to replace them. Cheaper and last a lot longer. But they just aren't the same, oh well. I've been thinking more about goin on for my RN instead of going on for an intermediate EMT since well I apparently can't get a job as one. But I figure with my luck I'll end up becoming an RN and the national health care thing will fuck that up for me.... Story of my fucking life waste my time money and everything to get something I want only to have my hopes fucking shattered. Love life, professional life, personal, everything sucks ass!!! Obviously my self-loathing is still nice and healthy, the one thing I can count on. I did get a haircut last week, I ended up bleaching it and spiking it up. I think it looks pretty good. But who knows, my opinion doesn't matter... ANyway back to school.... I was happier in school, it got me out, gave me something to do, I enjoy using my mind and I haven't used it since. So it has all that going for it. I'm prob gonna call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment for wednesday before I go to work to see how much I'd have to do after all my military shit. Hopefully it won't be too much. My plan was to be an EMT while I was in school though so I would be able to apply everything instead of only using books. I am better in hands on shit, oh well.

I have decided that even if Uncle Tom can't get together I am going to Oktoberfest this year. It will be my birthday present to myself. I hope that Tom gets some time off and I can visit with him and they can come with my but if not I'm still going.

Where is my mind...

My brain has been on vacation for some time now... And while it is away my body has been exibiting signs of depression. I have been having a hard time sleeping, I stay up til usually around 3, doing absolutly nothing. Nothing is on TV after 12, so I play games or surf myspace on the computer. I eat about 1 meal a day with a snack, which is a great contrast to my usual stuffing of my face, the meals I eat are usually a TV diner and a ramen noodle pack and about 3 liters of water. I don't really do anything all day, I get out of bed sometime between 11 and 2, go watch TV, try to work out but only end up doing some crunches, maybe lift my dumbells, then go back to TV. I haven't really felt depressed, I really haven't felt anything other than boredom. I pick up my guitar and play the same chords and little things over and over again. I have been craving alcohol and other drugs, I just wanna get fucked up, at least make not doing anything into an adventure or something. But as long as I don't leave my house I am unable to get my hands on such substances... I am not too much of a shut in, I went out Sat to watch UFC with my buddy and kept my cool, only had 3 beers and talked to a couple girls(nothing really interesting)... DUI is not the way I want to break the monotony, and as for the drugs, my luck after I poped or smoked anything is when I would get a call for an EMT job and not be able to pass a piss test, because that is my luck! But damn I have been out of the military for over a year and still haven't got stoned! At least I can stay strong in something.

But today was my sons last day of school, so I gotta call tomorrow and figure out when he's gonna come stay with me for the summer. I need to get some better food in the house for him, and will have to be getting up earlier to get him breakfast. Hopefully that will pick me up and get my mind back from its vacation.

Tryin to keep the clouds away...

SO I mentioned just a post or 2 about being glad to be keeping out of depression... Well it seems to keep getting closer and closer, like a storm on the horizon, I see the darkness and just keep hoping that maybe it'll end up just being clouds and the storm will pass without unleashing its fury on me. I think its just because the weather is getting cooler again and just kinda crappy and that leaves me stuck in the house, I am upset about spending money and working hard to be an EMT and can't get a job as one, I am begining to hate my job or at least the people I work with. I hate sitting here at home, my few friends are always at work, I seem to sleep til exactly 1130, that is when I roll over and look at the clock, I hate that when I play my guitar I always end up doing the same rhythm, I hate that I am not working out as much because I am not going to the gym, I hate that there is never anything good on TV, except for House and now that's over for the season. I hate that all of these things leaves me with my thoughts and they keep questioning me as too why I am alone, why I don't do something or make new friends. I hate that I get all these feelings but when I sit to write either here or in my notebook all that comes out is "I am Lonely". And the thing is I don't feel this way all the time. Most the times I am pretty happy I get up, see whats on, try to work out a bit, hit my punching bag, eat shower, check tv and computer, read a bit, play my guitar a bit... This is the begining to almost everyday and it quickly becomes monotonous, just like everything in my life. I think about going out, but then I spend money that I don't have and then I end up sitting by myself usually and feeling worse then if I just sat here.

I just need to become a rockstar and get my son and hit the road for the summer. Fuck Ohio, fuck the monotony, fuck boredom!!

Idiot.... Gosh

Fucking piece of shit "supervisor", yes I use quotations because it is only a fucking title, he is stupid and incompetant, doesn't know what the fuck to do and is unable to take fucking charge of shit!! I have grown to like the guy I work with and help take care of but the other people that work in the house are slower than him! I woke up nice and early this morning, the first time in quite a while. I haven't been sleeping too well but I've been sleeping til 1130 or so because well I don't have shit to do and I am up late fuckin around. But I have a meeting this morning so I wake up early get some breakfast and an energy drink and start my fucking day off, the only thing I have to do is a fucking meeting at 10. Lucky for his bitch ass I only live 2 blocks from the office, so I walked, I haven't moved my car since I worked Monday since gas is up to almost $4. So I get over there and sit for a while and people start coming in for a different meeting, so I called my "supervisor" and ask if the meeting was canceled. He says yeah, I said well thanks for calling me, I am at the office. He says he wrote it down at the house. I told him I haven't worked since Monday, remember you made the fucking scedule, gave me these shitty hours!! FUckin dumbass!!! So now I am gonna end up pissed and cranky all day because I didn't get much sleep and its started off pretty shitty.

On other news before I left I got to watch my beardies hump, at least someone is getting action in here! I'm not sure if I'm gonna get eggs this year. Homer is smaller than Marge, and the humping I saw, it didn't look like his hole could reach hers. But he humped for about a minuter then kinda fell asleep still biting her. It was funny as shit... I hope I get eggs!! Well since I am up I might as well do laundry and try not to kill anyone....

Grandpa...ME!?

Thats right in a couple months I may end up a grandfather. No my 6 year old son hasn't been gettin jiggy with anyone... DO the kids still say that? My bearded dragons are growing up and mating... I guess we named them right cuz Homer has been humping Marge. It started last week. Homers been going crazy running around, then I saw him biting Marges neck, so I seperated them and was mad. Well the next day he was on her back biting her. I seperated them again, then thought, hey it looked like he was humping her. So I went through my books and read that the male will bite the female on the neck to keep her from getting away... like father like son I guess...lol. But so yeah who knows in a month or so I might have some eggs, then a couple months later have some babies!! Hopefully someone in the family will take one or 2, so I can visit my grandkids, but the rest will get sold to the Pet store, I asked them today and they said they would buy them. They were sellin them for 60, I wonder how much they'll pay me. Hell I could use the money.

Any readers please recomend some books for me to read! I spent an hour at our crappy ass library looking for a good book to read. I went with a list but they didn't have any of them, so I walked up and down the non-fiction section and couldn't find anything that looked good. I need a Borders, they always has it set up so something would catch my eye. Sometimes I miss the city life! Our bookstore is a shitty little shop in the mall, it is barely a step up from the library's selection but I can't really afford to spend much cash. I guess gas prices jumped up again today, it is fucking rediculous! I've been walking as much as I could but its been rainy and cold lately, today has been the first nice day in bout a week! I'll probably go out rollerblading here tonight. Maybe try some grinding or jumps. My new blades are heavy as shit sompared to my old ones though. I just need some practice. I used to be good, jump trash cans and shit. I've never really grinded though, I've always been to scared of busting my balls.

But think I'm gonna update my mp3 player and watch some tv for a bit. I got a long boring week, nothing to do til Saturday when I work. Still no book and my damn cousin hasn't lent me those movies yet!!

Happy mama's day and I am still pretty evil...

So I just finished the Heroin DIaries, and the rest of the book is great, such a beautiful tradgedy. I have been coming up with pretty good lyrics and stuff lately, but I still can't fucking play and sing. I keep trying but as soon as I say 2 words I am off on my rhythm, it is hard as hell, the only one I can do is Johnny Cash- Hurt for some reason, but I can't do anything original. But later today I am going to take that book back to my cousin and borrow the new season of Entourage, he got me addicted to that show, it is pretty good. I just like the idea of one of my friends becoming rich and famous and being able to mouch off them! Obviously if I was the rich one I'd take care of my friends too. I've always said that I don't really care about money as long as we're having a good time. The only thing there would be as long as there is money set back for my son. But anyways now I finished my book and am bored, I need to find a new one. Nikki mentioned some in his book that he read while he was fucked, so maybe I'll pick up some of them. Or I've always thought about Dontes Inferno, I took a quiz about it, apparently I am still evil...

But it's mama's day and I need to get ready to hang out with family. Later


The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Extreme

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

The heroine Diaries

SO my dad said that the people across the street parked fucked up yesterday taking up all the space so after they left he did it, so apparently no verbal or physical altercations which is good cuz my dad would destroy all the punks that live there, it would be pretty funny to watch.

I am reading Nikki Sixx book, The Heroine Diaries the book is awesome! Seriously! I mean its fucked up but its nice to know that people go through some of the shit you've been through and you know its real and its got commentary after most entries about how the people feel today about it. It is crazy, dark , demented, and beautiful! I am really digging it! And I know I mentioned before his band Sixx:AM that he did a soundtrack to it that is equally as kick ass!! And I will be seeing them at Cruefest in Indy!! If you don't know who Nikki Sixx is, he's the bassist from Motley Crue and the book is diaries and scaps of peper he kept while he was living the rock and roll lifestyle and fighting his heroine addiction. Plus the graphics are great fucked up sketches, that I may be able to find my next tat out of! This book has helped me realize and analize parts of my life like I usually do way to much but I did realize that in my situation it is a big step that I have not really been depressed. I have been bored and lonely and kinda scared about my and my sons future but I have not been depressed and that is pretty cool. Now I just need to work on some confidence and motivation to fight and find me a better job and maybe a woman, even if they are trouble, I enjoy the company and entertainment. GAWD I wish I was a rockstar! Someday!!

Let the drama begin...

SO I was at work today and my mom called, I knew that she knew I was at work so I thought something was wrong, but she left me a message that my dad wanted me to park in the driveway, I thought ok whatever. Well I got home and dad had his 2 cars and moms car in front of the house spaced out so no other cars could fit, so apparently one of the neighbors pissed him off. It never good when someone pisses him off. Its weird cuz usually the people across the street hog the parking but most of them are college kids and gone now, there are only a couple left. I kinda wanna go down and ask but they are asleep so I am stuck waiting til tomorrow to find out what the hell is goin on. We've talked about doing it before but I told him no because they could do the same thing to us while we're at work. I am usually the one who gets fucked cuz I don't get home til 1130 when I work. But I am sure this will start a neighborhood war of some sorts and as I said my dad isn't one to piss off. He's like me calm and stuff most the time but has a bad temper. But more to come probably tomorrow...