Reflections...

Why do I always do the (....) thing.... I don't know. SO I didn't get any pics of my friends band on christmas, it turned out to be kinda a crazy night! I went up there BSed with him for a while enjoyed some music, he kicked ass like always. My friend and a couple of his friends showed up a couple guys were fucking with us, it was about to turn into a fight and my ex brother in law was there so I was uncomfortable so we went to a different one. We walk in and a guy I almost got into a fight with on my birthday was there, we sat at the bar and oredered a drink and he glared at me then wispered to his friends and the glared at me. I kinda thought I was imagining things but my friend saw it too. Then my ex brother in law showed up wasted and kept buying me drinks and talking shit about my ex. I kept saying I didn't wanna talk about it. He ended up knowing my friends friend, they ended up in a back room, there was a crowd yelling and pulling people out. I got the guy out and he left, my ex bro in law got arrested. I still haven't got the story as to what happened, but he was probably talking shit, both were wasted and started fighting. Dumbasses!

I titled this reflections but I'm not sure how much I really wanna reflect on. I have felt pretty lonely lately, I have managed to keep myself out of depression, how I have no idea. I have kept myslef from buying a bottle! Lookin back this has been a really rough year. Starting this year I had a friends, love, a plan, money, and the world in front of me ready to be conquered! Now I sit alone in a one bedroom apartment my parents own that I don't even pay rent in, don't really have any close friends left. I got the4 couple here but its hard to really open up to them, plus it's not like I have much to say, they don't really know all the players from back... like how much I miss Chris and I am mad he never talks to me anymore, I had to find out he is having a baby from HB, just by chance because I wished her a merry christmas. I sent him a message saying congrats and he never replys anymore. I miss the closeness I had with him and HB, I told both of them everything without any fear of rejection or anything. They would give me good advise, even if I never really followed it it's nice to know that someone is there for you. The 2 friends I have here, ones girlfriend hates me, the other guy trys to hang out when he can but he works 2nd too and lives a ways away. I don't know what I expect or even want, my last girlfriend wasn't really that fun, perhaps I just want that girl to show up and give me those butterflies again. To fight through the fear of the first kiss and all that, with CF I was too drunk to even remember, so it lost all thrill. Who fucking knows. At times I just want to run away! Start over somewhere new again, or go back in the Navy, but I can't leave my son again... He definately needs some sort of stability. And I can't sacrifice him, I must sacrifice myself. Will I grow to hate him because of it, NO because running away wouldn't solve anything, I'd just end up a stranger somewhere else lonlier than I am now. I am almost excited for school to start back up, I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks now I think!! I try to work out around the house but all I have is 2 dumbells and I am not running in this fucking cold!! Maybe I just have too much energy that needs burnt off... I need a new fuck buddy!!

Merry mutherfuckin Christmas

I'm off to the bar!!! My friends band is playing there, hopefully I won't get too drunk. It should be fun, I haven't seen him for a while since he moved down to Columbus. Today wasn't too bad, hung out with my family, got some cool presents. Got a new amp for my guitar finally since I havent had one since my exwife pawned it!! and got the Simpsons game! Some clothes and other things that aren't as fun.... Hope everyone has a safe happy holidays!! I'm tryin not to be the scrooge though I still hate the holiday!! I think its an awesome idea that my buddy and other bands are playin tonight!!

News... I guess

Hmmm where to start, I've been busy since my last post. Lets start with I passed my classes, I have no clue how I did on the finals but I got a B in psych and C in biology, so I am happy bout that. I celebrated by hanging out with my friends Saturday during a snow storm and getting plastered. I've got too much testosterone from no sex for a couple months and I haven't worked out in over a week so I suggested football. We beat the shit out of each other while it was coming down, then while our pants were in the dryer someones dumbass suggested we see who could last longest in their boxers in the snow barefoot... I won! I don't know if I should be proud or not.... This week I've been working and going to a class for work in Lima, a little over an hour away to learn med admin that I've know and been doing for quite a while... but whatever I get paid for it... so I've just been tired as hell. My son has had quite a fiasco lately, luckily I hadn't bought him anything since I was waiting on my paycheck, but now I don't have to buy him anything since he is soooo bad!! He is in first grade, 6 years old, I didn't get in this much trouble til I was in at least 5 th grade and it still wasn't all this! He's had problems listening to his teachers and then lying to his mom and I... I've had talks with him, he is an angel for me and has been better for his mom but hell at school. Well I've been stopping at the school once a week to check on him and get the story from the teacher because he got in school suspension for refusing to listen, well he said hes been better and his teacher said he hasn't and had given him several notes to bring home about his behavior, they are talking about kicking him out of school!!! In first fucking grade!!! So I haven't spanked him in a long as time so I busted his ass, well he got in school suspension again and lied about it so I spanked him again longer and harder, took away everything, made him sit in a corner for a whole night until bed... The next day...THE NEXT FUCKING DAY the principle called and he was back in inschool for hitting kids in the balls!! WHAT THE FUCK!! I don't know what to fucking do! He never acts like this shit for me, hes stopped doing it for his mom, its now just been transferred to school... he gets good grades when he isn't too busy talking to do it... I can't just go up there and sit at the school to make him be good so I told him I couldn't stop anyone else from buying him presents, but I will not buy him anything, Santa is not bringing him anything and anything bought for him will be put away until I think he deserves any of it. I have to be the fucking Grinch who takes away Christmas... I have already been pissed about the fucking holiday, to be honest I can't remember if I hated it last year, I thought about looking back but haven't gotten around to it yet. It sucks that I know my parents bought me and my son all kinds of shit that neither of us need, and when I ask them what to get them I get a fucking grocery list...seriously, their list this year is 2 pillows, a blanket, a can opener, beer, cigarettes... Its bad enough I am broke as shit but I think it was last year or the year before when I had money and shit I could at least give them money since they never tell me what the want, only some things they could use. On the bright side I don't have to buy much, not that I could anyway but still... it makes me feel like an ass! They constantly give me money and make me feel more like shit if I try not to take it they shove it in my pocket like I am a fucking bum... I get by I don't need much to survive, I can pay my bills, I don't smoke, I hardly drink and when I do its usually someone elses, all I need is my bills and gas, they pretty much bought their own presents with the money they gave me. My mom fucking bought the ring I gave HB from me for full price, we were talking like last month about pawning shit or something and I said fuck that they only wanted to give me $20 for a $450 1/4ct diamond ring, I wanted at least 100 or something. Mom told me to bring it down and asked said she'd buy it. I told her she could have it, she's already given me enough money and it was just sitting on my entertainment center collecting dust anyway. Well Dad gave me 450 for it!! I told him to fuck off, that I didn't need it, use it to buy presents and shit, he threatened to kick my ass if I didn't take it, seriously, he got that for real look. I know they feel obligated to help and shit but I fucking hate it, it only makes me feel more like shit! Now I am all pissed... I'm gonna go work on my SImpsons puzzle, which will probably only piss me off more.... Merry fucking Christmas to all!

Finals.... oh and I am a Genius

YEp it's finals week! Luckily I am only taking 3 classes, and my EMT class is like 2 semesters so I took the midterm yesterday. Well Monday I don't think I did well in my psychology, I couldn't remember most the essays but I think I did good on the multiple choice. I could probably get a zero and still pass the class, my lowest grade on a test in there was a 98... We got to do a IQ test for bonus points and it turn out I am smart as hell, well we all already knew that!! I got a 120, tied the highest shes had in her classes, that puts me in the 91 percentile, 125 is worth a shot into MENSA, the highest you can get is 144. I told my parents that I am a genius, we've always had a joke about my A+ math, I've always been an A math student but when I'd talk with them about something I'd usually mess it up because I'd try to do it in my head instead of on paper, and they'd say theres that A+ math. So now they'll probably start everytime I do something stupid, "Theres that 120 IQ" at least thats my guess. I did great on the math but not so great on the verbal, I think it is because the writers of the test don't appreciate the word FUCK and its many meanings. Fuck the fucking fuckers... A whole sentence!! Oh well...

So yeah my EMT midterm I failed by 2 questions, I hate saying failed because "failing" is less than an 80% which is stupid and the questions are tricky, the last 2 tests we were able to argue and get several questions marked right because they were too close to choose between 2 of them. But yesh so I got a damn 78... Next is Biology on Friday, and as you can see below how I feel about that class! I am not studying...at all... if the test is about the bigotry we've learned the past couple weeks I should be ok, I think he said it wasn't covering everything from the whole semester so I can probably just put kill the blacks and jews for every answer and get a 100... OH YEAH!! one class about evolution we got to watch the Simpsons clip where it shows a blob who eventually evolves into Homer, but it was narrated by Mr. Garrison from South Park, and we had to write about it... It says at the end that we were created from 4 monkeys having butt sex with a fish squirell, thats all I worte and I got a 90!! It was funny as shit! Then I plan on getting drunk this weekend!! It just sucks I gotta work so I can't party all night!! Oh well, I suppose I'll survive! No more school the rest of the year though after this week!!!!

BLAH!!

I am tired as hell!! As usual! I don't know what it is I just always seem to be tired. I am have just been in a blah mood again! Why can't my body and mind just stay steady!! It really is annoying. For some reason I keep thinking about my next tattoos, I can't stop thinking and planning them even though it is going to be quite a while before I have enough money for them. I think I need to first get something on my other arm which is probably going to be a half rotted heart with a dagger through it and then I have been thinking about getting a banner across the top of my chest with some cool quote or something in it... I have been debating on quite a few and then trying to decide if I want it in latin or not, then I started thiniking since I have been having trouble deciding maybe I could make like several banners with different sayings... why, I don't know maybe because my mind is going haywire! I am having some troubles sleeping again... I just lay and toss and turn. They say I am going to get more hours at work starting next week!! Finally, its only one extra day a week but its better than not working! I am going to get my hair cut tomorrow, I made an appointment, I have no clue what the hell I wanna do with it but it is long and I can't do anything with it now and I need to start my clinicals at the hospitals ER soon, I kinda wanted to do it while I am on break from school here the next couple weeks so I need to look professional and hot because when we were in there for orientation there were some hotties... What about the chick below, who knows, she lives in a different town and is busy with school and work... who knows, I think she'd definately be fun to hook up with!! Maybe thats my problem, its been a while since I've been laid! Bout time to find a new fuck buddy and hope this one isn't crazy... I think I am going to start my Simpsons puzzle that I have had for about a year now, maybe that'll keep me busy. I need a new book but there is no real bookstaores here and the library sucks balls!! I need my uncle Tom and Rinker to recommend some kick ass books!!!

I just noticed how I jump from subject to subject a little more and faster than usual, thats how my brains been acting... Oh yeah I found out recently in my EMT class a little more about my low blood sugar... When I used to pass out alot, I was having seizures! So I have a history of seizures and hypoglycemia also causes altered mental status, which may be my entire problem with life! Seriously, we checked our blood levels in class, the average normal is between 80-120, mine was at 50, 40 is insulin shock(unconsciousness), the teacher asked how I felt and I felt normal... so according to the book I apparently almost always have altered mental status! Because I old him I don't remember getting angry or violent before I passed out like the book said, I just kind of feel it coming on and try to sit or lie down... Just another thing to add to the list of things wrong with me... I need to find a real doctor "House" and see if he can solve me... With my physical problems and my mental problems, I could be a whole season on the show!! Well I think I'll start my puzzle now!!