Down down down...

Hello world... its been a while. Life has been fairly shitty like usual, like I should have expected anything different. Work actually has not been too bad, except I only work 4 days a week so I don't make enough money to pay all my bills. I just finished all of my savings this month so now I am completely poor and don't know how I am gonna survive next month. Also I work with a chick 2 of the 4 days who is a piece of shit, she doesn't really work and it just annoys me knowing that she has a job, she should be fired and just pay me her salary too... I do all the work anyway! Speaking of chicks, there still are none, the one that was supposed to be moving up here, we were talking for a week or 2 and things were cool, then she stopped talking to me and thats been it. My cuz who she was supposed to move up here with said she hasn't heard from her either.

Whoever said money can't by happiness was a fool. The last several weeks while I watched my savings dwindle to nothing my depression has been rising. Everytime it does all I hear in the back of my head is that my life is worth $250,000. That would be enough to help my parents for a while and hopefully keep my son from going through this crap. Then its even worse to realize that your death could be what is best for your family. Obviously I have overcame these looming thoughts before and hopefully will again but it just sucks and its obviously a subject best not discussed. I usually burn thru my savings in summer but then start back in school and start adding back to it but this year I can't start fall classes because I have to wait for the school board to approve my application for nursing program and until that happens there are no classes for me to take. SO I am fucked! Lets see if and how I can get out of this hole...

Drama...

SO Smilie and me of course didn't last long. and unfortuantely we didn't even get to hold our conversation in person. She was being wuite hostile to me the last couple nights over IM and I had been drinking tonight because as I have said I have been upset and that is how I deal with it even if it is the wrong way. SO I sent her a message explaining certain things and she said maybe we should just be friends and ok, I am pretty cool with that. I really like her as a person, I thought that maybe because we are kinda similar that we could work dating, I know she is on the rebound or whatever. But she tried to insinuate that she has hooking for money and tried to judge me for drinking while me son was here even though he is asleep. I think bad enough of myself for it, but I have been stressed and I spend all day sober with him and have fun and don't leave to go party like I have tried and done in the past. It is not like I make him go fetch mu drinks like I used to do for my dad. I don't put him through shit like that, even though I didn't know it at that time, now that I do. I shouldnt have been doing that shit! Anyways so that just feuls the fire in me.... I should have know that shit can never go good for me, even for a little while, things alwasy for to shit! Its funny recently I got Slipknots self titled album and been thinking about the past... let me leave you with a quote from surfacing.... "Fuck it all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for, Don't belong, don't exist, don't give a shit, don't ever judge me"

It always comes back around

When I start to see a glimpse of light somewhere up ahead it seems that a dark cloud comes in quickly. SO where to begin... Things with Smilie were going really good, we were having fun and enjoying each others company, but something happened and we haven't been able to get together and talk about it yet. She just said that we needed to slow down, a little more, last weekend she stayed at my place, like wed, thurs, and friday. Things were really good, not sure which way that scared her. But thats one thing. Then school has been getting to me. I am just tired of it! It keeps creeping in my mind that all this work is for nothing, last year I worked hard to become an EMT and look where that got me, jack fucking shit! Then I am in comp 2 because I took comp one online in like 2004, I sent for my transcripts and they said I owe them 450, that my credit card was declined, way back then and for some reason they just never told me. So what now is my work for comp 2 gonna count, am I gonna have to take comp 1 again? The familiar feelings of failure and desire to drink into oblivion are closing in on me. I have been doing so well on just letting things go and just being somewhat happy. Things with SMilie was open, I didn't really care or think about if she was hanging out with other guys or whatever, but with the darkness comes all of this insecurity. We're not even together officially but thoughts still flood my head when they shouldn't, just to add to the turmoil. I don't fucking know. I have my son and will be watchin my 14 yr old cousin this weekend, so hopefully they will distract me.

TIME TO FUCKIN EXPLODE!

OK I am having a terrible fucking day!! Before I start I was happy to see Uncle Tom Thusday!! Now as I spoke before I bought a scooter, well it died on me today, apparently I blew the engine because I was 150 miles past the oil change, which makes it my fault and voids the warrenty!!! The guy was cool enough to hook me up with the company and got it so I only have to pay shipping cost and part of Labor so instead of paying 600, I have to pay 240. That was nice of him except I have no fucking money!! I have been living off my fucking credit cards because my GI bill isn't going fucking through!! WHy you may ask, its been over a month! Well 2 firdays ago I recieved a letter in the mail from the school saying that I missed a form in my filling of 5 forms saying that I changed majors from EMT to LPN! SO I took that up last monday, over a week ago. Wel I check the website everyday because I NEED that money. SO I just called the school after I found out I had to pay so much for my bike and the lady said that she hadn't recieved the letter. She looks around and found it in the wrong spot, apparently the lady I handed it to is a fucking moron, or she is for not seeing it where ever the hell it was put. Next time I will ask that I physically shove it up her ass instead of handing it to a fucking retarded secretary!! I am so pissed and upset that I don't know what to do!! I wanna cry, I wanna hit my bag(which fucked my knuckles up bad last time I was pissed) Ok lets rewind a couple days! So a new person moved into the house I work at. Anther mentally retarded dude. No prob, seems ok, just testing his boundries trying to get away with stuff. Well apparently he shit himself and on a rug and hid it. The chick from the next shift came in and asked who shit. I told her I thought he did but didn't think of it. Well she found the shit and wrote a letter to the house manager about me not cleaning up. She didn't say one fucking word to me, but I found the letter when I was putting one of my own into his box. Well it turns out that he is writing me up for it, saying I didn't perform the chores on the list. Now let me tell you all about this chore list. It is a list of chores for the people who live there to perform, NOT ME!!! I am not a fucking maid! I am there to help them live on their own, I only cook because it is dangerous for him, it is not dangerous for them to sweep, mop, dust and clean up their shit! They are capable of it. So today I went and filled out an application for Walmart and a videostore. Fuck I'll probably get paid the same, have more fun, less responsiblity and deal with less shit, why the fuck not! Fuck them all! Fuck all the bastards in corprate america charging my ass to death, fuck Time Warner charging me a fucking shitload for my inter net and Cable which isn't gonna carry fox anymore so I wouldn't be abloe to watch the Simnpsons or House. So Now I have to switch to Direct TV, fuck the absence of internet providers in this area that leaves me having to stay with them for Internet unless I want to go to dial up!!! Fuck my bank account that was full of money just 3 months ago! Fuck the last year of my fucking life spending my time and money to become an EMT to only have it shoved up my ass and wasted! Fuck this year of my life that will probably be the same on this LPN shit since there is a fucking waiting list that I will probably never reach. Fuck my whole fucking life and the waste of breath that it has become! What happened to the fun, what happened to me, what happened to the world. WHere is the fucking Karma that is supposed to help someone like me who is truely a good person but has been shit on his whole fucking life. I keep fucking trotting along, somewhat cynical, but still a softy under it all, still willing to help almost anyone. Fuck why the hell do you think I am in medical, just to play with sick people, why do you think I have stayed helping MR/DD people, just to see what the hell they look like up close! Yeah I may talk alot of shit, but the universe should know that I actually fucking care, but I don't know why anymore, it seems it doesn't care about me! Yeah I have a few friends, and alot of family that try their best to help, but I am not a fucking charity case. I am a grown ass man, that will be turning 26 on Monday and will not be celebrating in any shape or form because I am too fucking busy with school, work, and spending time with my son since I haven't gotten to much since school started and I fucking miss him!!!! I may need to explain to him that daddy is getting tired of fighting, Daddy is gonna get a bottle and drown myself, but not to worry I got life insurance, so he won't have to go through the same shit daddy is. (I am not gonna kill myself just so you know)but I may drown myself in a bottle even though I don't want to because I don't have money and it will only make things worse.... FUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuckin DUI

So saturday I got a call from an EMT place here in town, they asked me to come in for an interview. I did, everything went great. You get paid to sit on your ass most the time, and the runs they make are usually not to big of emergencies and it just sounded like a great job. They took all my information and said they had to run it, I told them about my DUI about 3 years ago. They guy didn't know if it would be a problem or not. Well he called back today and said that the corporate said they couldn't hire me. Fucking bullshit!! It was 3 fucking years ago, I did my time, paid my ass of, went to classes and had my shit suspended and had my insurance go up as well as being the jackass of my duty station. And still after all the fucking changes in my life, they don't give a shit, its a fucking mark on my record! I don't know what to fucking do. I am pissed, I am upset! My son was going to go back to his moms tonight since I have a meeting in the morning. I want to go get a bottle, I wanna go fucking tear something up. This was my chance and what now? I have been pissed that I did this work to become an EMT and then couldn't find a job and now that they are hiring they can't hire me!! Fucking bullshit!! I am literally fucking pulling my hair out right now! This was my break to get a good job with steady hours, so I could get a fucking house and fucking start to settle into a real life. But no!! I know I can't drink today, obviously but that is the first thing I thought of. FUCK I need to find something to do...

It all falls apart

Fuck I think of things I wanna blog about and then once I get to my computer I forget. I guess all the drugs I did in High school did do something to my memory. My life is really starting to get on my fucking nerves. During the days when I have my son it isn't too bad, we go to the park we play games and have fun and I forget my misery for most the day. But once he is in bed I sit in front of the TV and think about how lonely I am, how I only have 3 friends that I still don't confide in... how I miss my old friends! I just want to run away!! This fucking town sucks!!! There is nothing to do, the people are fucking stupid, and there are no jobs, no way to fucking move up! This is not a place to live, its a fucking death trap! I escaped once only to get drug back to it. The sacrifices we make for our children. I actually have no fucking idea how I am still managing to function. I have the emmence fucking desire to just go fucking get messed up on every drug I can find and wander the earth in a stupor. I guess its all for my son, our relationship is finally going good and he have been having fun and everything, now if only I could keep him doing good in school next year. What the fuck is with all these storms going across the country? We were at a cook out last weekend and just out of nowhere the winds picked up and dark clouds rolled in. We finished eating and put everything away and then it got calm as hell and then sirens started going off and by time we ran into the garage a wall of fucking rain and wind hit us...hard. It was crazy! I need to get away but don't really have the money for it. Hell I don't really have money for food, I realized the other day, I made some spanish rice that it is the third thing I have cooked on the stove in the year I have lived here. I cook pizza, eggs, and that rice. Everything else I can make in the microwave. I miss cooking, I miss having a bigger place, I miss having fucking money, I miss my old life!! I hate bitching about this over and over again, but its all that really goes through my head. How much I hate this shit, I try to make it better, make due with what I have, try to be happy but it all falls apart.

school....?

I haven't been thinking about blogging much lately, obviously the last couple post are all the same. So has all my days, bitch, moan, don't do much, and repeat. I've been poppin caffine pills, thats helped on curving my appetite so I'm not eating all the time. They aren't as fun as when I was a teenager and poppin them though.... I've been drinking those rockstar energy drinks since I am a rockstar and cause they taste good and give ya a good fucking kick in the heart, but they are not on sale anymore so I ended up buying a bottle of caffine pills to replace them. Cheaper and last a lot longer. But they just aren't the same, oh well. I've been thinking more about goin on for my RN instead of going on for an intermediate EMT since well I apparently can't get a job as one. But I figure with my luck I'll end up becoming an RN and the national health care thing will fuck that up for me.... Story of my fucking life waste my time money and everything to get something I want only to have my hopes fucking shattered. Love life, professional life, personal, everything sucks ass!!! Obviously my self-loathing is still nice and healthy, the one thing I can count on. I did get a haircut last week, I ended up bleaching it and spiking it up. I think it looks pretty good. But who knows, my opinion doesn't matter... ANyway back to school.... I was happier in school, it got me out, gave me something to do, I enjoy using my mind and I haven't used it since. So it has all that going for it. I'm prob gonna call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment for wednesday before I go to work to see how much I'd have to do after all my military shit. Hopefully it won't be too much. My plan was to be an EMT while I was in school though so I would be able to apply everything instead of only using books. I am better in hands on shit, oh well.

I have decided that even if Uncle Tom can't get together I am going to Oktoberfest this year. It will be my birthday present to myself. I hope that Tom gets some time off and I can visit with him and they can come with my but if not I'm still going.

Where is my mind...

My brain has been on vacation for some time now... And while it is away my body has been exibiting signs of depression. I have been having a hard time sleeping, I stay up til usually around 3, doing absolutly nothing. Nothing is on TV after 12, so I play games or surf myspace on the computer. I eat about 1 meal a day with a snack, which is a great contrast to my usual stuffing of my face, the meals I eat are usually a TV diner and a ramen noodle pack and about 3 liters of water. I don't really do anything all day, I get out of bed sometime between 11 and 2, go watch TV, try to work out but only end up doing some crunches, maybe lift my dumbells, then go back to TV. I haven't really felt depressed, I really haven't felt anything other than boredom. I pick up my guitar and play the same chords and little things over and over again. I have been craving alcohol and other drugs, I just wanna get fucked up, at least make not doing anything into an adventure or something. But as long as I don't leave my house I am unable to get my hands on such substances... I am not too much of a shut in, I went out Sat to watch UFC with my buddy and kept my cool, only had 3 beers and talked to a couple girls(nothing really interesting)... DUI is not the way I want to break the monotony, and as for the drugs, my luck after I poped or smoked anything is when I would get a call for an EMT job and not be able to pass a piss test, because that is my luck! But damn I have been out of the military for over a year and still haven't got stoned! At least I can stay strong in something.

But today was my sons last day of school, so I gotta call tomorrow and figure out when he's gonna come stay with me for the summer. I need to get some better food in the house for him, and will have to be getting up earlier to get him breakfast. Hopefully that will pick me up and get my mind back from its vacation.

Tryin to keep the clouds away...

SO I mentioned just a post or 2 about being glad to be keeping out of depression... Well it seems to keep getting closer and closer, like a storm on the horizon, I see the darkness and just keep hoping that maybe it'll end up just being clouds and the storm will pass without unleashing its fury on me. I think its just because the weather is getting cooler again and just kinda crappy and that leaves me stuck in the house, I am upset about spending money and working hard to be an EMT and can't get a job as one, I am begining to hate my job or at least the people I work with. I hate sitting here at home, my few friends are always at work, I seem to sleep til exactly 1130, that is when I roll over and look at the clock, I hate that when I play my guitar I always end up doing the same rhythm, I hate that I am not working out as much because I am not going to the gym, I hate that there is never anything good on TV, except for House and now that's over for the season. I hate that all of these things leaves me with my thoughts and they keep questioning me as too why I am alone, why I don't do something or make new friends. I hate that I get all these feelings but when I sit to write either here or in my notebook all that comes out is "I am Lonely". And the thing is I don't feel this way all the time. Most the times I am pretty happy I get up, see whats on, try to work out a bit, hit my punching bag, eat shower, check tv and computer, read a bit, play my guitar a bit... This is the begining to almost everyday and it quickly becomes monotonous, just like everything in my life. I think about going out, but then I spend money that I don't have and then I end up sitting by myself usually and feeling worse then if I just sat here.

I just need to become a rockstar and get my son and hit the road for the summer. Fuck Ohio, fuck the monotony, fuck boredom!!

Idiot.... Gosh

Fucking piece of shit "supervisor", yes I use quotations because it is only a fucking title, he is stupid and incompetant, doesn't know what the fuck to do and is unable to take fucking charge of shit!! I have grown to like the guy I work with and help take care of but the other people that work in the house are slower than him! I woke up nice and early this morning, the first time in quite a while. I haven't been sleeping too well but I've been sleeping til 1130 or so because well I don't have shit to do and I am up late fuckin around. But I have a meeting this morning so I wake up early get some breakfast and an energy drink and start my fucking day off, the only thing I have to do is a fucking meeting at 10. Lucky for his bitch ass I only live 2 blocks from the office, so I walked, I haven't moved my car since I worked Monday since gas is up to almost $4. So I get over there and sit for a while and people start coming in for a different meeting, so I called my "supervisor" and ask if the meeting was canceled. He says yeah, I said well thanks for calling me, I am at the office. He says he wrote it down at the house. I told him I haven't worked since Monday, remember you made the fucking scedule, gave me these shitty hours!! FUckin dumbass!!! So now I am gonna end up pissed and cranky all day because I didn't get much sleep and its started off pretty shitty.

On other news before I left I got to watch my beardies hump, at least someone is getting action in here! I'm not sure if I'm gonna get eggs this year. Homer is smaller than Marge, and the humping I saw, it didn't look like his hole could reach hers. But he humped for about a minuter then kinda fell asleep still biting her. It was funny as shit... I hope I get eggs!! Well since I am up I might as well do laundry and try not to kill anyone....

Cabin Fever!

I am in one of my moods, where I usually get myself in trouble. I think I have cabin fever or something. I am just going crazy. This is the feeling I used to get before I'd go out and get drunk and do stupid shit. I've been thinking about calling up my cousin and getting some illegal substances, why the fuck not I might as well fucking escape my reality for a little while. But no I have to resist. I've thought about buying some Beam and just chugging, but no I don't need to be doing that either. I've thought about going up to the bar but then I'll probably get drunk and since I am alone and feeling like this I'd probably start a fight. It sucks, I hate this fucking feeling. I am restless but have no one to talk to or anything to do. I've been surfing the internet almost all day. I went walking around town earlier. I tried to call my only 2 friends who were at work to hold my own intervention, they just got off and 1 said he was too tired and the other is workin overtime. I've played my guitar for like 2 1/2 hours, my fingers are killing me, and my hand is cramped. I was hitting my punching bag earlier.

While I was walking, I was thinking bout the past. I oredered new rollerblades online since my old ones broke, they should be here next week and I will probably be rollerblading around town all night. Its nice out! But anyways I walked by places I used to shred up when I was younger, the coffee shop I used to hang out at, the places uptown that used to be cool to hang out at, the eternal flame me and a buddy put out, and thought about how I always go through cycles of only a few friends. I know I need more, I can't always rely on the 2 I got but, they are good ones. They don't do drugs, they drink but not a lot, they keep me out of most trouble, where most of my older friends kinda fed into it. I don't know. I think I'm gonna go for another walk and prob stop up at the bar and maybe have a drink, maybe it will calm me down a bit. What the hell else am I gonna do. I haven't been sleepin well. Hopefully I won't get into trouble. I need to get my blades quick so I can burn off this energy!! Walking isn't as fun!

**update**

So I went for my walk and stopped up at the bar, there were some people from high school, no one I really got along with, no hot chicks so I got 1 drink and then kept walking. I ended up at the library. It is an old fort from the Indian days, there are 2 cannons that sit on the hill, facing the rivers, 2 rivers meet right there. The area has been underwater quite a bit this year. We even made CNN! Looking at the old cannons where everone has carved stuff into, even I had a couple times, I decided that I am gonna get a white out pen and a marker and I am gonna start tagging things with this website. Why not? Most anyone who will come will probably be teenagers, hopefully not the stupid ones. I have been trying to be somewhat of a mentor to all my younger cousins, let them know that even though things seem dire at that age, its not the end of the world. Life isn't all smiles and sunshine for me either, but its not worth moping around or hurting youyrself over, you know. Who knows maybe I can help other youths. But thats my plan of attack for now... And I stayed out of trouble!

Wrong number...

So lately since I have no reason to get up early other than my 11 oclock classes which means I have to be up by 10, I sleep in and its nice. Well here at 830 this morning my phone rings and wakes me from sleep, I didn't recognize the number so I answered it hoping it was about a job or something. They say hey and what am I doin and I sound rough, I said I just woke up and asked who they were. There was a silence and then they asked who I was. I said you fucking called me, who the fuck are you, and they hung up. Now this of course got my blood boiling and I couldn't go back to sleep. People do that all the time, they call the wrong number, start talking and then ask who they are talking to. What is their problem with introducing themselves and saying "Sorry I have the wrong number" like that is fucking hard. So now I am debating on whether or not to call the number back around midnight or 1 and ask who it is then, but then I may start a war or something and the person either sounded like a chick who smoked 2 packs a day or a boy going through puberty, and either way not really people I want to deal with. So my best bet will probably be to let it go. fuckers!

So my finals are monday, then no more class and I get to be bored like this all week long with my shitty work scedule. I crunched numbers and will probably keep this scedule through the summer though so I can spend it with my son. It sucks cause it's gonna eat up bout half my savings but I need to spend more time with him. Hopefully sometime this summer some place will need EMTs and I will be ready. I am really getting tired of my job, not because of the guy I take care of but the other people are pissing me off. There are chores that need to be done everyday, and the guy is supposed to do them, not us, well he is slow and doesn't do a great job. Well apparently people think I am supposed to do them and because it isn't spotless that we didn't do them and they leave bitchy notes and I just want to set them all on fire and laugh, except for the guy we take care of of course, hes been cool lately.

So my son has been saying how girls were gross and stuff, I showed him a pick of his first kiss, he was like 2 and crawled up on my exs friends girl and kissed her and I had a pic of it. He said he wasn't gonna kiss another one and I made a video of him betting me 1,000 he wouldn't kiss another one before he turned 16. This was on saturday. Yesterday, Tuesday, he called me and told me he asked his mom if he could have a girlfriend and she said he had to call and ask me. I said sure go ahead...lol. I told him though instead of him paying me 1,000 he just had to buy his own car. I figured I saved and paid 1,000 for my first car so can he. He was saying that a boy in his class thought a girl was sexy and his mom started yelling that he can't say sexy and stuff... When I was his age or close to it, I remember talki9ng about fucking girls. I think thats when I started grabbin girls asses and had a girlfriend who would wear a dress and we would swing and I would jump off the swing and look up her dress, that was somewhere around 1st or 2nd grade. And he is my son, soooo who knows. Gotta get ready for my last class before finals, we get to watch a movie...yay!

Ups and downs

Like usual I have been in a slump, just feeling BLAH!!!! yes with exclamation. My online class is going horribly, I am gonna fail and my teacher hates me, she told me to drop it before I failed but I didn't get the message til after it was too late, she pretty much nicely called me a piece of shit and pissed me the hell off but I have to try to at least get a D- and pass! I passes my EMT final today!!!! Now I just have to take the National registry, I'm gonna try to do it Friday cuz its up in toledo and I'm going up friday anyway to see the Bravery again! I am excited for that but again I am goin alone and that kinda sucks! I need my concert buddies! In DC for the screaming bands I had Chris, and the others I could usually talk Uncle Tom or Canowine to go with me, then when they left I could usually drag HB to most of them, here my few friends work 2nd and can't go unless its a sat night and I either have to work or have my son on weekends. But whatever, I am a loner and will survive, who knows maybe I'll talk to someone...HA yeah right, the problem here is most are little teenie boppers. but whatever. Tomorrow is my parents anniversary, I am taking them to the casino to gamble, since that is all they really like to do is get away. So hopefully we will all win money! I need to start working on my resume again and find a better job as an EMT!! I Am now gonna have tuesdays to myself, but I am getting nervous with school ending, my other classes end in May and that means no more GI bill money, thats what has been paying my bills!! So I definately need a better job and might have to keep the one I have now and work nights or something, I can't beat getting paid to sleep. It shouldn't be too bad since I won't need to write papers or do homework anymore.... But those are the few things stresin me at the moment, hopefully all will continue to fall into place. Or better yet I win a shitload of money tomorrow and find another hot chick who also won a shitload and we live happil ever after!!! Well I would like to complain about more but I need to write a paper and sign up for my national test!

Aggrevating day!!

Well it started bad because I had to get up at 7, I hate getting up before 9. Got up, got ready adn stuff for school. My dad brought me a package from Uncle Tom that came yesterday with shot glasses and some sweets. That was the best part... Went to school, there are a couple annoying people in my class and they were extra annoying all day long. I was starting to get pissed. I passes our skills and only have one more class left for that. SO it was pretty nice out so I decided to go to our state park to run outside, well my headphones kept falling out of my ears and making me slow down, almost fell once and well just pissed me off! SO I come home and have papers to write. I wrote one and decided to check on my online class because I slack on it and find out I am on the line of failing and had a paper due the other day so I bullshitted my way and turned it in late. My computer has been acting up lately, it will say its loading web pages forever and never actually load them. I have been scanning and doing all kinds of crap to fix it somehow. I went to check my phone and for some strange reason I don't have service in my house, I hope its just a temporary thing with a tower or something. I am also looking for the best headphones to run with, I think I need some old school ones with the headband. But I tell you what I could go for a Beam and coke about now. Well I gotta get back to scanning some more to fix this piece of shit!!

Post break up Myspace

So as we all know random thoughts go through my head all the time... Here's what was just running through my head while shaving my balls(why did I put this...who knows). But when was the last time I spoke of CF here? Did I finish the story? SO we split and "stay friends" until she got with her new boyfriend. So whatever shes got a boyfriend. Well she drops me from her friends list on myspace, when I notice and go to add her again, thinking it was an accident, I notice her default pic is from my bday party! A pic of her and her new boyfriend from MY bday party. How fucked up is that. Well she can't be my friend on myspace or in real life because he is jealous, because he knows she still wants me or whatever. But wait it still gets better, he got a new job in Arizona and she is going to move with him, I think her kids are staying here with their dad, but not too sure... but he moved there early, after he left she is texting me asking me to hang out and come to her going away party thing. WHatever, I am not dealing with anyone with a jealous boyfriend, look back about 3 years to New years girl, I haven't seen or heard from her since her boyfriend refused to let her speak to me... And we had been friends since we were like 13 or whatever. So I told her to run away from her problems and forget about me... But then had me think about when HB and I broke up and she deleted me from her friends list, I asked her to change her screen name, HB Hot Brownie, was a name that Uncle Tom and I came up with, it was like my pet name for her or whatever, and it bothered me thinking that some other guys were calling her a name I gave her or whatever... looking back on it maybe I was overacting or something but it did really bother me... I don't know why. But I think the pic from my bday party trumps it. Lets see whos next and what she can do to trump it? I think it'll be a pic with her, me and the new boyfriend... Only time will tell.

But I am stoked about my vacation coming!!!!! I am starting to feel a little better, I have been sick the past couple days. Did I mention Thursday my grandpa had a lobe (1/3) of his right lung removed, cuz he had cancer. I think I did cuz I remember saying he didn't smoke.... I get confused, someday I'll have to actually look back and read what I've posted instead of always being confused on what I've put on here and on myspace... It's a crazy double life I lead... Damn addictions!!

Dead bodies and affairs...

I hate homework!! On the up side, I got to play with a dead body today. We had a cadaver lab for my EMT class, we got to play with some of the organs and stuff, it was a little freaky at first cuz the head was chopped off and sawed in half. But after poking it a bit and talking about it we all got pretty comfortable passing the heart around and digging into to play with the lungs and stuff. It was interesting, I haven't been around dead people since USU, where they were all across the hall from my office. But I am again procrastonating doing homework. I wrote one paper and should be starting on the 2 others I have to do that are do after spring break, which is next week. I guess I am weird(well duh) people are freaked out when I tell them I am going to Georgia alone for spring break. They ask why there? I said cuz its a warm beach, do you know anyone there? nope. Who's going with you? no one. Do you have reservations? Nope going to sleep on the beach or in my car. They just kinda look at me. My luck it is going to suck and be lonely and boring, but you know what, those are the exact feelings I will be feeling here, I might as well go on an adventure and hope maybe something will happen.
I think the EMT chick is having an emotional affair with me... We text all the time, everyday like hundreds of them. Yesterday she was asking why I am single, I am sexy and cool, and this and that. I said because women are blind!! Ans I am just shy and don't go out and meet anyone. I asked when she was gonna hook me up with someone as hot and cool as her. She starts telling me if her boyfriend doesn't start treating her better she's gonna leave him. And all this shit about him. Here's the thing, in general... people shouldn't be in relationships they are not happy in. Yes they have ups and downs but if in general you are not happy, end it, don't prolong the suffering. This is a mistake I made with the exwife, I was miserable liek the entire time pretty much. But I mean she shouldn't be putting herself or me in this situation. I've thought about it quite a bit because of our discussions. Her and I reguardless will never have a future because I think emotional cheating is just as bad as cheating. Hb and I got into an argument about it before, she called an old friend or someone sexy and this and/or that on a myspace comment and I happened to see it cuz he commented back and I clicked his profile to see who he was. Now granted it could have simply been a compliment, I have been called sexy a couple times just as, but that could just as easily be lusting for someone else(who is not a movie star you will probably never meet or see) and turn into an affair of some type. To me to lust about someone within ur reach is pretty much as bad as acting on it. WHile I was with her, I thought chicks were hot but I never thought "I'd like to fuck her" or make out with her or whatever. I don't know cheating is a big thing that I dispise with a passion!! To me there is a thing as emotional cheating and more than likely it will lead to physical cheating. I am not tooting my own horn here, because I in most cases will lack confidence, but I am fairly confident that if I could get her to come over here and hang out or just me and her went out somewhere I could get her to make out with me. But I am not that kind of person, because I like her as a person and don't want to fuck her over like that, even though her boyfriend has cheated on her and all that shit. Retaliation doesn't help you feel better. I almost want to call it drama, but since our scedules clash, we have just kept it to flirting via text. I think that completes my bitching for now. I need to do another paper!

V-Day murder

So I have been drinking since 1 or so, doing laundry, drawing up my next attoo and stuff. I talked to LPN cuz my friend liked hwe trying to figure out if she felt the same cuz my friend is a lot like me and I figured he'd be too afraid to say something adn apparently she likes me more than him. I have also been talking to a chick in my EMT class thast boyfriend cheated on her like last week cuz I don't know what she wants, it seems she's been hitting on me a bit, but the way I see I need to hit on as many as I can while I can to figure out who is best for me. There is also a hot ass redhead in my substance abuse class that I have been thinking about asking out.... We'll see what the hell happens by the end of tonight... my bet is I'll end up alone and drunk.... That part is almost positive!!! Fuck it I need another drink. FUck you hallmark!!

Substance Abuse

As I mentioned before I am in a Substance Abuse class as part of my certification requirements(its not court ordered this time) and I just finished writing a paper about an article written in 1997 about the passin for madical pot in Cali and Arizona. My dad and I dicussed legalization quite a few times lately, mainly about steriods in baseball that has been over the news quite a bit and we both agree that you aren't going to stop anyone anyway. Look at every illegal drug, name one and I bet you can go out and find it or know someone who can get it. It is illegal but assesible therefore all we do is overcrowd our prisons with non violent "criminals" and leave no space so rapists and kidnappers and murderers get out well pretty fucking fast. I am a former user of well quite a few illegal substance and have been off them for quite a while as well, I know from my past as well as facts and research that alcohol and tobbacco are worse than most of the illegal drugs. Theres always the joke that potheads are to stoned to get up and do anything but its true, you don't hear about potheads commiting violence, its alcohol. Cigarettes are the most addicting substance on earth, more addicting than crack or heroine, it doesn't provide quite the euphoria but it is more addicting.

Who is the government to say what we can or can't do with our bodys? If people want to destroy their bodies doing steriods so they are bigger for a couple seasons of baseball and die faster fucking let them! Am I going to be arrested if I walk up in front of the police station with a knife(whatever the legal size to carry is) and start carving my skin? They may call the looney bin but seriously do they arrest people for tattos or piercings? They are doing the same damn thing, they are messing with their body. What makes these substances worse? I need to look up but is it illegal if I stand there in front of the police station and huff a can of whip cream or computer duster? I just looked it up several sites say in some states but the only one I found for sure is Wisconsin. SO how is it legal for me to walk around and eat cool whip but if I put it to my mouth without shaking it and form a seal and suck just the air out and hold the nitrous oxide in make me doing something illegal? That just pissed me off even worse!!

What I think it mainly comes down to is let the retards kill themselves. If legal then we eliminate drug kingpins and violence and we can tax it and the govt can be happy asses. And I am not just talking about pot, let people do what the fuck they want with their bodies legally because they are going to do it reguardless and it may actually keep kinds from "rebelling" and doing the drugs behind parents backs. Now I am not saying go get fucked up and drive, the DUI thing should still stand which I have violated numerous times but have since stopped, I just crash if I have more than a couple. I am getting more responsible! But seriously What the fuck do you think? I think I provide a pretty good fucking argument and I think all should agree. The opposition will only complain that it shouldn't be available or accepted but it already is!! So that point is

My 600th POST!!

And where to begin it??This month is fucking shit!!! I think it may try to compete with last April! Lets start at the begining... I think I may have mentioned last post that my school fucked up and I didn't get my money for my GI bill for school. So I am broke as hell and can't pay my car payment and have been putting everything on my credit card. The only plus note is I am gettin like 5,000 back from taxes. Ok the second. My friends diaper party. I got trashed!!! Definately drank too much, we ended up going out. I tried talking to chicks when I probably shouldn't have. I got some chicks number and then saw her at a different place and texted her, she called me a dork(I don't know if she was playing around or not) I texted her back to fuck off. We ended up jumping in some girls car, I had a chick on my lap and apparently started making noises like I was gonna barf(I didn't) so that went nowhere, then when we got to his house I puked and passed out outside in the snow. I woke up on the couch and lost my hat, coat, and phone.... I got everything back except my skull cap... anyone who knows me knows how I feel about my hats, I had that one for about 3 years. Third, Patriots lost. 4th, I almost wrecked coming home from work because it was so fucking foggy you couldn't see the road. 5 th was ok at first, I went to a movie with a chick in my EMT class(but she kinda may have a boyfriend, he cheated on her Saturday and since then has been talking to me but they live together), then CF called and wanted to hang out so I met up with her, she was drunk and asking me dumb questions about why we weren't together, I couldn't let her drive home so I brought her home and let her pass out here. Today, I had to get up at 6am to take her to her car after not being able to sleep too good, then came home and couldn't really get back to sleep. When I woke up and tried to get a drink of milk, I found out my fridge/freezer died and all the goceries I bought the other day on my credit card is spoiled!! I got to do my clinicals in the ER, they were busy as hell and pissed when I got there so I didn't get to do anything, then when they calmed down no one else came in. And now here I sit bitching about everything!!!!!!!!

Now after the tradgedy this morning I am convinced that Karma backfires on me. In DC I give bums money, I get fucked over all the time and flat tires and shit. Here I don't let a friends drive home drunk, I kept her hands off me cuz she has a boyfriend now and get up early to take her to her car and my fridge spoils everything I just bought. I mean come the fuck on! I have been horny as hell and could have gotten laid last night but no, I have fucking morals!! And Valentines day is next week. A have been seriously thinking sbout getting a bottle of Beam and drowning in it! Didn't I say that last post? What the fucks next, am I gonna lose a finger or toe? Why does this shit always happen to me? Oh yeah and the pepper spray worked for like 3 days and now my face is breaking out again. It did work fairly well on my back, I figured I might as well share my findings before you go spraying it onyour face and back... Like anyone else is as stupid as I am...but you know what I get bored and tired of everyone else making my life hell, why not just do it to myself...

My head just may explode....

Why... I don't know. I have been real antsy this past week or so. I think it has to do with the weather. It was 68 the other day!!! It was nice as hell, the temp has been between 30-10 the past months and out of nowhere it was warm, then some thunderstorms hit and now its cold again... Monday I went up to the gym at school before work since I needed to do something and oh my gawd was I sore yesterday and then yesterday was my first day back for my EMT class so I went and worked out again and I am sore as hell today but it feels so damn good!! I almost want to go back today since I have nothing to do but I know my body needs to rest. I have been so fucking bored, almost hoping for homework from school next week, though I know in 2 weeks I am probably going to be stressed and going crazy, if its not one extreme its the other! Lately I have just been strumming on my guitars (for some reason the electric's strings fuck up my fingers more) til my fingers hurt, then work on my simpsons puzzle til I start to go blind from focusing on the little fucking pictures, then play on the computer and wait for something to come on tv, every once in a while I play my simpsons game that I already beat but need to go back and find all the little secret shit I missed. Gawd I am a boring ass dork!! But you know what I am staying out of trouble so I guess thats what counts most... though I guess I'm not getting out like I am supposed to but I have to wait on friends for things like that... Its hard though, I've been thinking about missing my old friends and old times like usual but it was easy in the military. Here there is nothing really to do but get drunk or do drugs and I don't really want to do either, you know. I don't mind drinks every once in a while, I think I average once every 2 weeks or so. At least when there is a UCF PPV I go up to the bar to watch it. But I don't need or want to be around it all the time especially the way the stupid asses act around here! And all my old friends other than the 2 I hang out with now were and still are into drugs and shit... with my addictive personality and feeling like shit most the time I would fall right back into that shit... For some reason people tend to dislike me here. I don't really know why all I do is speak my mind, we are not in high school, I don't talk behind peoples back, if I don't like you I will tell you that you are annoying and be quiet. A couple of the people I met seem to prefer people who lie and backstab. fuck them... Anyway there I go off on a tangent again... Well its about time to do either my puzzle or video game... fun fun!!