Living with chronic pain

 I don't know where else to put this. I've had back pain for probably 10ish years now... I've had 2 back surgeries 6 months apart about 2 years ago for bulging herniated discs, both the same L4-L5. After the last one I suffered a seizure while leaving the hospital, they said it was just low blood sugar. After that surgery I couldn't sleep well. After testing they said my heart was ok, even tho I passed out on my tilt table test. They clamed neurocardiogenic syncope. Since that my pain has ranged 6-8 everyday since. 24/7.... I bought a nice watch to monitor my sleep. I rarely am still for 30 mins per night! They said I have insomnia, depression, chronic pain.  Last 2 years, I have a pulse that rarely drops below 90 while sleeping, high BP, now on meds but still are elevated. No one cares. Today I was almost crying all day at work, snapping at people who didn't deserve it. At this point, I can't do much of anything, I don't really care about anything, no one understands, doctors don't give a shit, there's no point in complaining or going to the ER cuz u know they will just give u bullshit that doesn't work. I will still be in pain and still will not sleep. It's pointless. Every night when I close my eyes, I pray(tho not religious) that I don't wake up... I just want to sleep... I can deal with the pain, I have for years... I just need a break, any fucking break! I have come to terms that I will suffer this probably for another 50 years... That's all I am here for is to suffer. Almost makes me wonder if this is actually hell. I may not be completely happy with my life other than the before mentioned.. I live a drama free boring life that would be ok if I could fucking sleep! I cannot stress how many meds I have tried over the 2ish years.... Does make you wonder where the line is... when is the point where u are just making things worse than better? When do you just become a burden? What am I suffering for? This is not a suicide note... If you have seen "Preacher", I would end up "asshole face". Living this long, you begin to understand that if you try to escape suffering, you will only be forced to live with that fuck up... So here I just sit, night after night on a heating pad, laying down by 10, with my phone off on worknights to practice good "sleep hygiene" which is bullshit. To suffer another sleepless night, to wake unrested, to go thru work in pain, to come home to TV and heating pad... Repeat until dead.