Reflections...

Why do I always do the (....) thing.... I don't know. SO I didn't get any pics of my friends band on christmas, it turned out to be kinda a crazy night! I went up there BSed with him for a while enjoyed some music, he kicked ass like always. My friend and a couple of his friends showed up a couple guys were fucking with us, it was about to turn into a fight and my ex brother in law was there so I was uncomfortable so we went to a different one. We walk in and a guy I almost got into a fight with on my birthday was there, we sat at the bar and oredered a drink and he glared at me then wispered to his friends and the glared at me. I kinda thought I was imagining things but my friend saw it too. Then my ex brother in law showed up wasted and kept buying me drinks and talking shit about my ex. I kept saying I didn't wanna talk about it. He ended up knowing my friends friend, they ended up in a back room, there was a crowd yelling and pulling people out. I got the guy out and he left, my ex bro in law got arrested. I still haven't got the story as to what happened, but he was probably talking shit, both were wasted and started fighting. Dumbasses!

I titled this reflections but I'm not sure how much I really wanna reflect on. I have felt pretty lonely lately, I have managed to keep myself out of depression, how I have no idea. I have kept myslef from buying a bottle! Lookin back this has been a really rough year. Starting this year I had a friends, love, a plan, money, and the world in front of me ready to be conquered! Now I sit alone in a one bedroom apartment my parents own that I don't even pay rent in, don't really have any close friends left. I got the4 couple here but its hard to really open up to them, plus it's not like I have much to say, they don't really know all the players from back... like how much I miss Chris and I am mad he never talks to me anymore, I had to find out he is having a baby from HB, just by chance because I wished her a merry christmas. I sent him a message saying congrats and he never replys anymore. I miss the closeness I had with him and HB, I told both of them everything without any fear of rejection or anything. They would give me good advise, even if I never really followed it it's nice to know that someone is there for you. The 2 friends I have here, ones girlfriend hates me, the other guy trys to hang out when he can but he works 2nd too and lives a ways away. I don't know what I expect or even want, my last girlfriend wasn't really that fun, perhaps I just want that girl to show up and give me those butterflies again. To fight through the fear of the first kiss and all that, with CF I was too drunk to even remember, so it lost all thrill. Who fucking knows. At times I just want to run away! Start over somewhere new again, or go back in the Navy, but I can't leave my son again... He definately needs some sort of stability. And I can't sacrifice him, I must sacrifice myself. Will I grow to hate him because of it, NO because running away wouldn't solve anything, I'd just end up a stranger somewhere else lonlier than I am now. I am almost excited for school to start back up, I haven't been to the gym in 2 weeks now I think!! I try to work out around the house but all I have is 2 dumbells and I am not running in this fucking cold!! Maybe I just have too much energy that needs burnt off... I need a new fuck buddy!!

Merry mutherfuckin Christmas

I'm off to the bar!!! My friends band is playing there, hopefully I won't get too drunk. It should be fun, I haven't seen him for a while since he moved down to Columbus. Today wasn't too bad, hung out with my family, got some cool presents. Got a new amp for my guitar finally since I havent had one since my exwife pawned it!! and got the Simpsons game! Some clothes and other things that aren't as fun.... Hope everyone has a safe happy holidays!! I'm tryin not to be the scrooge though I still hate the holiday!! I think its an awesome idea that my buddy and other bands are playin tonight!!

News... I guess

Hmmm where to start, I've been busy since my last post. Lets start with I passed my classes, I have no clue how I did on the finals but I got a B in psych and C in biology, so I am happy bout that. I celebrated by hanging out with my friends Saturday during a snow storm and getting plastered. I've got too much testosterone from no sex for a couple months and I haven't worked out in over a week so I suggested football. We beat the shit out of each other while it was coming down, then while our pants were in the dryer someones dumbass suggested we see who could last longest in their boxers in the snow barefoot... I won! I don't know if I should be proud or not.... This week I've been working and going to a class for work in Lima, a little over an hour away to learn med admin that I've know and been doing for quite a while... but whatever I get paid for it... so I've just been tired as hell. My son has had quite a fiasco lately, luckily I hadn't bought him anything since I was waiting on my paycheck, but now I don't have to buy him anything since he is soooo bad!! He is in first grade, 6 years old, I didn't get in this much trouble til I was in at least 5 th grade and it still wasn't all this! He's had problems listening to his teachers and then lying to his mom and I... I've had talks with him, he is an angel for me and has been better for his mom but hell at school. Well I've been stopping at the school once a week to check on him and get the story from the teacher because he got in school suspension for refusing to listen, well he said hes been better and his teacher said he hasn't and had given him several notes to bring home about his behavior, they are talking about kicking him out of school!!! In first fucking grade!!! So I haven't spanked him in a long as time so I busted his ass, well he got in school suspension again and lied about it so I spanked him again longer and harder, took away everything, made him sit in a corner for a whole night until bed... The next day...THE NEXT FUCKING DAY the principle called and he was back in inschool for hitting kids in the balls!! WHAT THE FUCK!! I don't know what to fucking do! He never acts like this shit for me, hes stopped doing it for his mom, its now just been transferred to school... he gets good grades when he isn't too busy talking to do it... I can't just go up there and sit at the school to make him be good so I told him I couldn't stop anyone else from buying him presents, but I will not buy him anything, Santa is not bringing him anything and anything bought for him will be put away until I think he deserves any of it. I have to be the fucking Grinch who takes away Christmas... I have already been pissed about the fucking holiday, to be honest I can't remember if I hated it last year, I thought about looking back but haven't gotten around to it yet. It sucks that I know my parents bought me and my son all kinds of shit that neither of us need, and when I ask them what to get them I get a fucking grocery list...seriously, their list this year is 2 pillows, a blanket, a can opener, beer, cigarettes... Its bad enough I am broke as shit but I think it was last year or the year before when I had money and shit I could at least give them money since they never tell me what the want, only some things they could use. On the bright side I don't have to buy much, not that I could anyway but still... it makes me feel like an ass! They constantly give me money and make me feel more like shit if I try not to take it they shove it in my pocket like I am a fucking bum... I get by I don't need much to survive, I can pay my bills, I don't smoke, I hardly drink and when I do its usually someone elses, all I need is my bills and gas, they pretty much bought their own presents with the money they gave me. My mom fucking bought the ring I gave HB from me for full price, we were talking like last month about pawning shit or something and I said fuck that they only wanted to give me $20 for a $450 1/4ct diamond ring, I wanted at least 100 or something. Mom told me to bring it down and asked said she'd buy it. I told her she could have it, she's already given me enough money and it was just sitting on my entertainment center collecting dust anyway. Well Dad gave me 450 for it!! I told him to fuck off, that I didn't need it, use it to buy presents and shit, he threatened to kick my ass if I didn't take it, seriously, he got that for real look. I know they feel obligated to help and shit but I fucking hate it, it only makes me feel more like shit! Now I am all pissed... I'm gonna go work on my SImpsons puzzle, which will probably only piss me off more.... Merry fucking Christmas to all!

Finals.... oh and I am a Genius

YEp it's finals week! Luckily I am only taking 3 classes, and my EMT class is like 2 semesters so I took the midterm yesterday. Well Monday I don't think I did well in my psychology, I couldn't remember most the essays but I think I did good on the multiple choice. I could probably get a zero and still pass the class, my lowest grade on a test in there was a 98... We got to do a IQ test for bonus points and it turn out I am smart as hell, well we all already knew that!! I got a 120, tied the highest shes had in her classes, that puts me in the 91 percentile, 125 is worth a shot into MENSA, the highest you can get is 144. I told my parents that I am a genius, we've always had a joke about my A+ math, I've always been an A math student but when I'd talk with them about something I'd usually mess it up because I'd try to do it in my head instead of on paper, and they'd say theres that A+ math. So now they'll probably start everytime I do something stupid, "Theres that 120 IQ" at least thats my guess. I did great on the math but not so great on the verbal, I think it is because the writers of the test don't appreciate the word FUCK and its many meanings. Fuck the fucking fuckers... A whole sentence!! Oh well...

So yeah my EMT midterm I failed by 2 questions, I hate saying failed because "failing" is less than an 80% which is stupid and the questions are tricky, the last 2 tests we were able to argue and get several questions marked right because they were too close to choose between 2 of them. But yesh so I got a damn 78... Next is Biology on Friday, and as you can see below how I feel about that class! I am not studying...at all... if the test is about the bigotry we've learned the past couple weeks I should be ok, I think he said it wasn't covering everything from the whole semester so I can probably just put kill the blacks and jews for every answer and get a 100... OH YEAH!! one class about evolution we got to watch the Simpsons clip where it shows a blob who eventually evolves into Homer, but it was narrated by Mr. Garrison from South Park, and we had to write about it... It says at the end that we were created from 4 monkeys having butt sex with a fish squirell, thats all I worte and I got a 90!! It was funny as shit! Then I plan on getting drunk this weekend!! It just sucks I gotta work so I can't party all night!! Oh well, I suppose I'll survive! No more school the rest of the year though after this week!!!!

BLAH!!

I am tired as hell!! As usual! I don't know what it is I just always seem to be tired. I am have just been in a blah mood again! Why can't my body and mind just stay steady!! It really is annoying. For some reason I keep thinking about my next tattoos, I can't stop thinking and planning them even though it is going to be quite a while before I have enough money for them. I think I need to first get something on my other arm which is probably going to be a half rotted heart with a dagger through it and then I have been thinking about getting a banner across the top of my chest with some cool quote or something in it... I have been debating on quite a few and then trying to decide if I want it in latin or not, then I started thiniking since I have been having trouble deciding maybe I could make like several banners with different sayings... why, I don't know maybe because my mind is going haywire! I am having some troubles sleeping again... I just lay and toss and turn. They say I am going to get more hours at work starting next week!! Finally, its only one extra day a week but its better than not working! I am going to get my hair cut tomorrow, I made an appointment, I have no clue what the hell I wanna do with it but it is long and I can't do anything with it now and I need to start my clinicals at the hospitals ER soon, I kinda wanted to do it while I am on break from school here the next couple weeks so I need to look professional and hot because when we were in there for orientation there were some hotties... What about the chick below, who knows, she lives in a different town and is busy with school and work... who knows, I think she'd definately be fun to hook up with!! Maybe thats my problem, its been a while since I've been laid! Bout time to find a new fuck buddy and hope this one isn't crazy... I think I am going to start my Simpsons puzzle that I have had for about a year now, maybe that'll keep me busy. I need a new book but there is no real bookstaores here and the library sucks balls!! I need my uncle Tom and Rinker to recommend some kick ass books!!!

I just noticed how I jump from subject to subject a little more and faster than usual, thats how my brains been acting... Oh yeah I found out recently in my EMT class a little more about my low blood sugar... When I used to pass out alot, I was having seizures! So I have a history of seizures and hypoglycemia also causes altered mental status, which may be my entire problem with life! Seriously, we checked our blood levels in class, the average normal is between 80-120, mine was at 50, 40 is insulin shock(unconsciousness), the teacher asked how I felt and I felt normal... so according to the book I apparently almost always have altered mental status! Because I old him I don't remember getting angry or violent before I passed out like the book said, I just kind of feel it coming on and try to sit or lie down... Just another thing to add to the list of things wrong with me... I need to find a real doctor "House" and see if he can solve me... With my physical problems and my mental problems, I could be a whole season on the show!! Well I think I'll start my puzzle now!!

New Girl....yeah right...

So back when I was with CF, we went out with some of my friends barhopping and I met a couple of their friends who were HOT! One had a boyfriend who she was on the phone with all night but the other was hotter anyway. Then like 2 weekends ago when the last UFC payperview was I invited my friends to meet up at the sports bar to watch it and she ended up coming... shes the type of beauty that was wearing scrub bottoms a huge sweatshirt, glasses and had her hair half pulled up and still looked amazing! So I gave her some shit because I tried to add her on myspace and she denied me and I sent her a message inviting her to my Bday party that we talked about the first time and stuff. But we were talking and she does the home health care thing that I am doing. Of course I was distracted by watching UFC and trying to kill each other so the conversation was kinda limited. Well amist the myspace bullitens she put out one where I could fill out what I thought about her and stuff, so I did and she did it back on me and it said how her first impression was I was nice, cool, and she wanted to get to know me better and stuff and there was a question about if shed date me and she put maybe if she got to know me more. So we started texting last night and she is an LPN working towards her RN, she was asking me about the EMT thing and I mentioned about how I have been thinking about trying to get on a chopper and work on lifeflight and stuff and she asks if I am fucking kidding. I said no why she said she wanted to do the same. So we started messing with each other about that and she said I can be her sidekick and stuff since there is an RN and medic on the flights. It was just kinda crazy how we were clicking, and I know I am getting way too into thinking about it, cause thats what I always do! Look back at the what 3 years I've posted on this blog and each month there is the same fucking thing. But I thought I'd put it down on here to remember anyway, in the slightest chance that something does happen, yesterday was the convo that started it... Hey I can dream can't I...

In other news, not a whole lot going on. This semester of school is almost over, christmas is almost here, I am broke as shit. Work says I will get more hours towards the end of next month. My son had in school suspension yesterday for not listening, so me and his mother had a huge long talk with him about that. Now I told him I have to drive all the way out to hius school every week to talk to his teacher and find out how he's doing because he is lying about it and just saying he got yelled at for talking and not how much trouble he actually got in! Well I better get to typing my Biology report, I may bitch about the class tomorrow...fucking retards, the funny part is my lab partners are 2 high school guys who are pretty cool and very smart and not nearly as ignorant as the rest of the class! Any way I'm out fo now. Later!!

Ignorance is Bliss

Now that I have given thanks I can go back to bitching! I'm just kinda in one of those moods today, maybe because I am dealing with shit and arguing with myself in my head, I wanna go get something to get drunk but I won't, I wanna go to a concert Friday but I am broke, I need food and gas but I am broke. Here is what I was thinking about on my way back from dropping the kid off so I wouldn't stop at the liquor store. I and many have said ignorance is bliss, thouse who thinking otherwise are fucking idiots. You may be an optomist who will tell me about how good your life is or hell how lucky I am about something I may not see... You can have the perfect fucking life, but you are still ignorant. Look at the problems in the world, we have people with millions and billions of dollars but yet people with none and living on the street and eating out of the garbage. I would like to believe these millionaire think about those people but I am sure they don't. And that is fucking retarded. We have little girls going into or being forced into prostitution to make money because they know they can make money fast that way. I am being completely honest, I would do it in a heartbeat if I thought people would pay me for it and if it wasn't illegal. Hell I have put serious thought in trying to be a stripper but I couldn't find one around here for guys. This economy is based on the almighty dollar and people will do anything and disreguard anyone for it especially themselves. It makes me sick when I think about it as I'm sure it does most other people, that is why we ignore it!

Second thoughts, my heart or lack there of. As I stated before around April/May I lost 3 people that were close to me, 2 by death and the other by my own doing. Around that time I also fucked up my toe and have dealt with a black and blue toenail that is close to coming off. I think I am going to miss it. Its crazy to look how I and everything else has changed in 6 months. I completely shaved my head around that time as well, now I look like a guy that was in Dazed and Confused. I had lots of money back then, nothing to worry about, I said I was broke if I had less than 500 in my checking account and always had a savings to back it up. But it has all changed, in that time I went through and emotional trainwreck. I didn't know what to do what to say or how to feel and after crying, throwing fits, wishing myself dead, and drowning myself in alcohol I entered and emotional coma. I am sleeping RC(far from beauty). I've tried to meet women, it was fun while it lasted but I am incapable of opening up, I keep telling myself it is too soon. I didn't have feelings for anyoen for a year and a half after my wife and she fucked me over real good and I didn't like her much to begin with. But then I look at my friends who have all carried a piece of my heart with them, now scattered all over the world. Most of them probably keep it shoved in the back of a closet and forgot all about it. Thanks to myspace I can get a message from a few once in a while to let me know they are still alive but thats it. I don't call any of them because I don't have much to say. Hows your life? Mine is ok I guess, I am poor, going to school, working, I've put on 10 lbs of muscle the past month or so, I cut back on drinking, quit smoking and thats it. Life story of the past year in 2 minutes. Its easier to put it on myspace. I tried to IM Chris a few times lately to see how he's been, he usually just ignores me and never answers back. I have become just a memory to most. There are a couple back here well one old friend who has tried to get me into the group though with sceduling conflicts its hard to keep in and then they forget to invite me sometimes since they just aren't used to it or they know I am working or have my kid or I was invited last night I knew my parents would watch him but I can't afford to go out. And it sucks! Life seems that it will always suck! I wasn't happy sitting on my ass not doing anything, I was somewhat content being to busy cause at least the bills were getting paid and now I am just busy enough to not be able to do things with friends but not working enough to make any money. So I am fucked just like always so this is what I do at times like these, I want to go get drunk and either get in trouble, get in a fight, or fuck someone. Nice easy goals that I know I can accomplish at least one if not all, all at once. But I fight it, I have become a fighter lately fighting for myself when before I was always the last one I gave reguard for. I have to fight my urges to be stupid just because things aren't going my way. I have to ignore all the bad shit that I go through, I have to ignore my problems. You may say ignoring them won't make them go away, but they are things that can't be dealt with. I have been keeping my eyes open for new jobs that could get rid of one problem but the rest is all unsolvable. My life is unsolvable, the best thing to do is ignore. I have noticed I am happiest when I am working out because I am listening to music that I love and I am working towards a goal I have had since I was little. I will admit, I am starting to look good, well my face still needs work but my body is on its way to being awesome! And my body works out its frustrations as I drown myself in music and igore the rest of the world. Its just me, music, and whatever I am doing in that moment. Nothing else matters and as I smirk into the mirror I know Ignorance is Bliss!!

Thanksgiving...and Madina Lake and Mayday Parade

Lets start off with Thanksgiving... I am thankful I have a healthy son and my family is doing pretty good, I am in good health physically and getting along ok mentally. I wouldn't be without my family, my parents are great and I love them. They keep trying to help me even though I try not to let them. I am poor as shit since they cut my hours at work, my pay check was only enough to pay my car insurance, I have lots of other bills, they keep trying to give me money even though they don't have much, they are worried about buying christmas presents for me and my son, I severly doubt I am going to be able to afford gas to and from school next week let alone presents. I am going to have to start using my credit cards again and probably get myself in trouble. Hopefully I might get some income tax back next year, maybe I can catch up a bit on it then, we'll see...there I go on the negatives instead of the good again....

So The concert was great!! It was my first time at headliners in Toledo, its a lot closer and reminded me of Black cat well the stage and everything, the atmosphere wasnt even close! But this was the last night of the tour and the bands were having fun and it was great! I'm not going to go through each band cuz all were awesome, there was We the Kings, Powerspace, Madina Lake, and Mayday Parade. During all the bands other bands members would come out and mess around, but it added to the fun. They wrapped people in serane(sp?) wrap and electrical tape while they were playing and during the last songs they started taking the drum kit apart while they were playing. They were throwing toilet paper around. I think it was the singer of We the Kings got caught on fire so they stoped that. They had hairspray and a lighter and was shooting it around and caught his back but they kept going. It was just fun as hell. Getting there I felt bad cuz I was like the oldest person other than some kids parents, but as the show went on other people showed up, I think they were just afraid of being seen there early or something. I didn't get into any fights or anything but I did almost kill some little girl. All night me and another dude were picking up people to crowd surf, soon girls just came up and was asking us, well one girl I picked up and she started to fall in front of me so we got under her and kinda tossed her, but she went over the crowd and up to the stage, I think the security guy caught her. We freaked out, we didnt mean to throw her that hard or anything, I hope she was ok. She just kinda disappeared. But besides that it was fun. Well TIme for me to get back to tv. Later, Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday Night Darkness

SO here I sit bored out of my mind on a friday night. It wouldn't be so bad if there was something on tv! I already watched Saw 4 on the comp here and may have to watch Oceans 13 too. I really wanna go get a bottle or some beer or something but we all know that that won't solve anything and would probably just make me lonlier and I'd go out and do some stupid shit. I may just work out, I was gonna take today off but fuck it,, I can use it. So I've noticed my mind wondering again when I lie down to sleep. It was weird to notice it the other night. I've been just lying down and going to sleep, but I noticed myself thinking and I found it odd that I hadn't been lately. Well thinking has led to wierd dreams, luckily I forget after waking up except one crazy one. I was in a car and my son was in the passanger seat and there was a lion in the backseat and I kept saying to ignore it and whatever but it kept clawing at my arm and nibbleing at it. Well this is what the dream dictionary says: "To see a lion in your dream, symbolizes great strength, aggression and power. You will overcome your emotions and/or difficulties. To dream that you are attacked by a lion, indicates that you have many obstacles to overcome. You must resist the force that is driving you to self-destruction." The force driving me to self destruction is my life, how do I resist my life? I resist living enough, I always revert to being a hermit and not going out and living life like I should. Well either that or I get drunk and do stupid shit which is almostr living too much. Where is the balance? But I am not getting drunk so I guess that is a start, I played my guitar all last night until my fingers hurt, I picked it up for a bit tonight but its boring playing the same crap over and over again, I can't really learn anything. I need to put an ad out for a hot chick who knows how to play to teach me so I can kill 2 birds with one stone. I can learn to play better and hang out... right... Well I do think I am gonna work out... oh yeah..

Yeah I got into it in Biology again, we were "learning" about evolution but he just kept showing how fossils and things have been the same for millions of years and pretty much saying things didn't evolve. So I argued about how elephants have changed since mastadons to wolly mammoths to elephants and he said that was all theory and that they could be seperate animals like dogs and cats and stuff. I asked where any creationism proof is or is it all theory, he didn't have an answer, fucking retard! Its all bullshit and who cares.

Procrastonating...

I am probably the worlds biggest procrastonator! I am supposed to be writing a psych paper right now but I don't feel like it. I should go out and do something, it is warmer out and I am all dressed up! We had to go for orientation at the hospital where we will do our clinicals for our EMT class, we couldn't wear jeans. SO I put on my nice black Khakis, the nice shirt I bought for my DUI court hearing, I shaved :( I look funny after having a nice little goatee for a while. But have to look good so I can make good impression and all that happy shit. I think I mentioned in my last bitching session that I have been working out. Especially since they cut my hours at work. I start off running a mile or a mile and a half and then lift and shit. I am gonna get ripped as hell so the hunnies will be drooling over me! so far I put on 5 pounds of muscle! maybe I'll put up some before and after pics after a couple months or something. I can see a definate difference. I think my metabolism is finally slowing down, either that or just after the years of getting lifting and nutritional advise from so many different people and accumulating them all into, what I have been doing is finally working. I feel good, I love working up a good sweat! And since I don't have a girl to help me "work out", I guess I got to actually work out... Oh well. Thats weird how I am digging running though, I always hated it. I guess I'm going through a midlife crisis, I'm probably not gonna make 50. I mean look, the past couple months, I quit smoking, I hardly drink anymore, though I wanna, I just don't have the money...lol. I enjoy running, I'm going to school and doing pretty good, I think I've been being a good dad lately. He's actually been cuddleing with me, he hasn't done that since he was a baby, this weekend he layed with me and we watched tv. It felt good. I've turned me around a bit, I just need to get some emotions back, and I need to get a life and a good job. I can't go out and meet people because I am broke and most people around here are idiots as I said in the post below! I am going to a concert next Tuesday, its a little closer, up in Toledo. Going to see Madina Lake and Mayday Parade, some good bands... is it just me or is almost all good music about breaking up and stuff. I guess I am not the only one who can't really write anything good when they are happy. But yeah I will probably go there alone since it is a tuesday and everyone around here sucks ass! I need a concert buddy!

Biology Bitching!!

First of all I hate my fucking biology class and not so much the class as the teacher and the fucking people in it. The people in this area are so fucking retarded! I am almost positive I was never that fucking closed minded! before we spent an entire class talking about how some of the kids, yes some are still in high school but taking college classes, grew up and never saw a black person before and how tramatizing it was when one moved into their neighborhood. Then we talk about how stupid they thing evolution is. Let me get this straight you think it is stupid to think that the world has evolved out of a single cell. Yeah how stupid is that, we all know that a dude snapped his fucking fingers and created the world! For me honestly both are too fucking extreme and to be honest who really gives a flying fuck!! We are here, we have documentation of what has happened for a couple hundred years, thats good enough! Fucking people! I swear I am far from fucking sofisticated but these people make me sick to believe that I grew up here. I hate it! my baby mama was talking about moving to Oklahoma or some shit again, she's mentioned it before. I honestly think that if she does I am going back into the Navy and getting the hell out of here. If my son is not here I have no reason to be here. I don't make shit for money, I can't do shit for fun, I still only have a couple friends, and I am fucking miserable living as a bum! I don't know if miserable is the right term but I hate the fact that I have to rely on my parents for food sometimes and the fact I am always broke and have no money to go have fun or have to drive 2 hours to see a good concert and still don't really have anyone to go with. Hell if I am gonna live like this I might as well be living in the barracks or on a ship and getting paid more right. I miss it unfortunatly! I miss meeting people with totally different backgrounds and still having the same views or just being able to meet new people in general. Around here I don't really wanna because they are fucking idiots, I know there are a lot in the military too but there you are kinda forced to meet everyone, here I can choose not to. I don't remember where I was going with all of this but for real I am tired of these stupid fucking ignorant redneck fuckers! I joke around sometimes about racist shit and stereotypes and everything but in all honesty anyone is a person and I have no opinion of them until they give me something, talk to me, I see you act a certain way to form an opinion. I'm not gonna sit here and think all black people are criminals, all asian are super smart, and all fucking white males are evil! Yeah we also talked about how tall white males are the perferred choice of women, I am a tall white male, and yeah look at me fight them fucking off with a stick!! FUcking morons! Maybe god should have snapped his fingers a little fucking harder in some of their brains, or just squished them! I'm out, need to go workout or something. I have been working out at least 3 times a week, I can run a mile in 8 minutes again, I am actually starting to enjoy running...me, I must be fucking losing my mind here right!

Mindless is the way to be....

SO thanks in part to CF asking me about my feelings and me feeling like a dick for not feeling I opened my mind to try to figure out why. I typed it of course cuz it took me a while to figure it out and its something I wouldn't want to say in person. It pretty much said I am no longer a whole person and I hope my heart is like my liver and can rebuild itself, well not my liver since I continuously abuse my liver but the liver is very regenerative. Though I don't drink much again. Anyways so it will probably take a long time for me to be able to open my heart if I don't have one and such. I mean it took what 2 years after my exwife before I dated someone and that was HB, the rest was just kinda fun and I didn't even get along with my wife. She wants to put thoughts and feelings into everything, I just want to live and enjoy the few moments... I kinda enjoy not thinking or feeling, theres always ups and downs to everything. I've been feeling like a hippie lately, I hate hippies but they kinda have it right. Just live, though money still sucks and makes me worry, the rest fuck worrying about how someone feels about you, if someone is cheating on you, what they'd think if you did whatever. Fuck that shit! Fuck looking for love, I mean you only find what you're looking for when you stop looking right, and I think I have been looking while lying to myself. And then I find CF who wants and deserves more than I can give right now and she is beating herself up about it thinking its her fault I am not happy and shit. It sucks, check another life I ruined, damn at least there is one thing I know I am good at, actually quite a few its just none are really beneficial to my goals. I am a sadistic fuck, I can come up with great torurous situations, I can ruin peoples lives, I am great at fucking with people, I can make anyone feel like shit if I get to know them, and I know some useless facts and shit. And shit since I'm heading down the dark path on this post I've been thinking about death lately. JUst death in general, what happens if I die tomorrow how would my friends find out, like chris, ech, john, or brown... my mom isn't gonna know how to get ahold of anyone, none of my friends know anyone, you know. And vice-versa how would I know if anyone else died, no one really talks anymore except the occasional email or myspace comment and if they don't respond I don't think much of it, how long would it be until I would know.

Not thinking is the way to be. Thinking especially over thinking just causes pain and suffering. Ignorance is bliss only in some cases,

Bloodsimple, Otep, and Hellyeah

So last night for devils night CF and I drove up to Detroit to see a concert, I wanted to go see Otep plus it was the day that their new highly anticipated CD was released, even though I found a copy last week. I thought maybe they would sign them or do something cool. I didn't think I would be able to go because I would have been working except they cut my hours so I didn't have to, I asked CF if she wanted to go, she agreed to. We got there around 530 and we thought the doors were supposed to open at 630 but it ended up being later and there was a line so we sat at the bar and had some beers and talked and stuff, we ended up getting a little tipsy and into some good conversations. She said she had to call it off because she thought she was making me unhappy, I had to explain to her that I am just pretty much an unhappy person, I can't help it. I am just blah, it may be about time to watch John Q and see if I can still cry, I almost put in butterfly effect the other day cuz I saw it on tv, but thankfully I wanted Planet Terror since I downloaded it the other day...anyway I digress. I explained that I just don't really feel, I am not happy, I am not sad, I am not depressed, and I don't know why. She kept saying I needed to find something that makes me happy, something for myself. I try I like playing my guitar but only for a little while cuz then I only play the few things I know and then I get frustrated with it. I write sometimes but then I block, the only thing I had been somewhat excited about recently was getting my tat and watching it come around but that was only excitement.

We got into the place, it was trick or freak so people were dressed up, some good costumes, some bad ones. Bloodsimple was the first band, I liked them they rocked. I tried to stay back cuz I didn't want CF to get hurt but she said lets go up front so we got pretty close, there was quite a big pit so I tried to keep her safe. I took a couple pics and security yelled at me and came and asked me why I was taking pics, I just said because and they said I couldn't, bastards. For SIlverstein they just said I couldn't use my flash but whatever so I tried to sneak 2 of Otep that didn't look to come out so good. Otep was fucking awesome! Gawd she is pretty hot too! Crowd definately got rowdier. A couple guys dressed as slipknow came up and started banging around and got in front of us and kept squishing CF so I put a good elbow into the back of ones head, when I did I accidently punched a HUGE dude next to me in the side of the head so I quickly apologized to him, he said no prob he say what I did and said he was about to do the same. They guys in front settled down a bit, I told them between songs I am just trying to keep CF from getting smashed, if they wanna pit, get in the fucking pit! But on Oteps new album they cover Nirvana's Breed, I in most cases don't think any band should cover NIrvana though I believe it was Action Action when I saw them did a good cover and Oteps is great. Unfortunately they didn't sign autographs. we hung back a ways for Hellyeah cuz I know it was gonna get rougher since that was who everyone probably came to see, I like them but I went mainly for Otep and others probably didn't even know who they were. But HEllyeah kicked ass and said they were playing their whole album, we didn't stay for it all since we had a 2-2 1/2 hour drive back but we stayed for probably half the set. They said it was the first night of the tour so if they come near you definatly go check it out, it is a pure rock and fucking roll kick ass tour!

Happy Halloween everyone hope you are having fun, I am doing jack shit and probably just watching Ghosthunters live episode until 3am, hopefully my old ass can stay up for it. Last night my back and knees were killing me, I'm not as young as I used to be going to concerts every week and getting up at 630 the next morning!

Breakups are so cliche

We need to come up with new reasons for breakups. CF just broke up with me via myspace IM, she said she needs her space and time to herself and that kind of stuff. We need to come up with new reasons, not too much a big deal. Kelbel, guess ur advise came too late. I am not really upset because well if u read the rest obviously I was unsure but the thing that pisses me off is how things go down all at once. Lets say that I was madly in love, just for this scenerio. Monday I had a meeting for work, they cut my hours to shreds, I worked yesterday and don't work again until next weekend, not this weekend, the one next month. Because I haven't had time, I stayed up all night writing a paper for my damn Psychology class because I haven't had time between school and work, and today my girlfriend breaks up with me. HB, my uncle died, my great grandpa dies, then she breaks up with me. My exwife well she took everythting I paid for, my son and hooked up with her cousin. I mean COME ON! WHY! Now I know I am fucked up in the head, I have problems, I hate most of the world, but even though I hate most I am still respectful and nice to the world, I just talk a lot of shit. I shouldn't be destined to such bad fucking Karma, it comes in 3s. Seriously. I mean what we may have made it a month, hell, I don't think either of us know. I don't remember if I said in the last post or not but I don't even remember our first kiss cuz I was wasted at the bar....Nerves...lol. Thats how u know its not gonna be good if u don't remember ur first kiss or even when u started dating. I need to go buy me a blow up doll, I don't think I can marry my hand but maybe a blow up doll! Won't talk back, won't care if I don't show her my emotions, won't care if I look at other girls, won't care if I fuck other girls. At least it gives me something to bitch about, and maybe something good to write though I did come up with what I think is a good line while driving to work the other day about hanging my heart from a noose. I'm thinking about trying to tie it in to the next attoo I've been thinking about, of course I need to figure out how to pay my bill, save money for europe, and well buy groceries and all that happy horseshit! Well time to go downstairs and eat my parents food, I really feel like a college student, the ones you see on tv at least. Oh yeah my psych paper had to be on a school shooter and I kinda realized why I was a suspect for one....

Fuck this...

Yeah I have been way to fucking busy, like right now at midnight I should be writing a fucking Biology paper but I don't feel like it, I'll write it tomorrow, Thursday used to be MY day a day with no school but now I still have to work. This shit is starting to get to me a bit, not having any time for myself. Even being busy my mind still wonders to things I shouldn't be thinking about like the past or future. School is the same as always not too bad, I seem to being doing well in my classes except Biology since the teacher is a moron and I have no clue how I am doing. Work has its ups and downs, the guy I work for/take care of had an episode a couple days ago and was banging on shit and threw a hug fit and was threatning me and we all know I don't do well being threatened. I kinda got in his face and he was scared to be confronted cuz the rest of the people are small girls but as soon as I turned and backed off a bit he just got worse and was kicking cabinets and stuff, he never tried to touch me but I still think it made matters slightly worse so now I at least know he shouldn't try to touch me and not to confront him that much, he has been better and more respectful towards me since then though.

CF and I had a little chat online the other day, I think she is also scared by confrontation, I guess I am too if I am not the one initiating it. She asked me what I wanted out of this relationship, I hesitated for quite a while thinking. I don't remember what I said but mainly I just want to be happy, I like hanging out with her and talking to her, that was about it, I thought about saying a friend I could make out with and have sex with, I mean to put it plainly all I did was explain a friend, I left out the sex, then countered with what does she want, and typical woman just says for me to be happy. I told he that it shouldn't be at the expanse of her happiness, then said I needed to go to bed cuz I had to get up early for class. She says I don't open up to her and shit, to be honest I don't really feel emotions lately, I don't think I have time for it. I start thinking about stuff that kinda gets me down and stuff but I redirect myself towards schoolwork or seldomly play my guitar or the ever effective watch TV! To be honest I don't think it will last til New Years. But I feel bad because my son likes hers and stuff and it's gonna end awkward like everything else. But in my thinkings I don't think I am able to express emotions, I feel like I do because I am pretty up front and honest but my honesty doesn't really express well my emotions on my arm. I told her the other night I have a wall in my chest and I am not sure if there is a heart still in there or not. I don't think I am ready for a relationship yet at least not the kind I think she wants. I'll also keep repeating, I don't think any woman will measure up to HB or be able to fill that void. I hope that someday I will feel that way again, that instant connection, the love at first date type thing we had. And thats what bothers me, its not so much her, I am over the fact of what happened but after feeling like that I just wonder if its possible to come around again. Is it that we all have just one soul mate or do we have many? Will I experience it again or will I end up settling? Its always the questions that fuck us over. DO I dive in head first or wlk in slowly, do I stay here and try or move on? What if aliens abduct me tonight and shove huge satelite up my ass? does that make me gay? WHat if I ruled the world? QUestions...Fuck this I need to sleep!

Blurry Bday

So I guess my birthday was memorable. It started out my parents came out, I taught my dad to play beer pong and we won a couple games, then they left and hell broke loose. Ok so not really hell but I started to get fucked up. Only a few of my friends actually came out which kinda sucked but a bunch of hers came and some of them were old friends of mine. We played beer pong most the night. Then of course I had to do some keg stands and then just drink right from the tap. I remember almost getting into a fight with 2 of her friends who were being dicks and kept talking shit. My drunk ass just kept talking luckily I was able to control myself by talking to CF and a buddy, they left and then I don't remember much else. I woke up on the floor CF claims I threw up on her, I have a small recolection of throwing, well heaving, into a bowl. She had to go to work at like 10 the next morning when she left I moved myself to the bathroom where there was no sun and cuz I felt like I was still gonna get sick. I didn't but I did sleep on the floor in there for about 4 hours. Some how I ripped a huge hunk of skin off my thumb, I have no idea how or on what, no one does. CF said there was blood on her toilet from where I probably cut it then went in and lifted the seat to take a leak so we figure it was either in her bedroom or in the bathroom there. All in all it was a good time. I held it all in until like 4 or 5 am I think cuz the pics show me doing kegs stands at 330am, gawd bless timers on my camera and the fact that CF had my camera...lol.

Aside from that I have been busy as hell between school and work, I started working out again this week, I am sore as fuck! CF is getting annoying a bit, I barely have enough free time to do my homework and she wants to come over whenever I am home. Yesterday she called at 730am, while I was sleepin and asked if she could come over, I said I didn't care but I was sleepin til 10, so she came over and slept for a couple hours before I had to leave for school. I'll keep saying it, I don't understand why my heart is still so guarded, she is cool as shit, shes not bad looking, a little chunky but shes been running and stuff, shes always happy. And yet I don't know if I can see myself falling for her. Maybe I am gonna be unable to fall for anyone, maybe I can't put the pieces back together...

So the new job is going well so far, we'll see what I think after tonight though. The past 2 nights I have had someone there with me and tonight will be my first night on my own. I pretty much just hang out with a 40 some year old guy with mental handicap. It is pretty easy so far but I have been warned about when he blows up to watch out. He was acting up a bit yesterday and getting temperamental and trying to push my buttons. No different than my son except this guy could hurt me if he wanted, they said hes never hit anyone but still theres always a first time for anything. School has been going pretty good still, except I hate Biology which I have tomorrow, I don't remember if I went into it on here about how much of a stupid douchebag my teacher is or not. Last week I was really close to getting up and just beating the shit out of him for being a dumbass and pissing everyone off. I am sure if I would have gotten up and initiated it, the rest of the class would have followed. It was bad. He knows nothing and can only teach what he knows. He is not a people person and I want to make it my goal to get him fired if I had more time! But between school, work, hanging out with my girlfriend and my son and him playing soccer and flag football all my time is pretty well consumed at the moment. Although I have figured out that I have about an hour between school and work and since work is closer to school than home I will start working out at the gym at school in between. So thats one perk, the last 2 days I went straight from school to work only to sit in my car and try to take a nap until it was time to go in, he doesn't get home until 330 and we can't really clock in until 315 so I just sat. Going to be a busy weekend, gotta go get the keg tomorrow, get the kid tomorrow, have a small family get together I guess, then Saturday gotta take the kid for soccer, then drop him off with his mom and go start getting fucked up!! Then sometime I need to write a psychology paper thats due Monday. I would work on it today but I am busy doing all my Biology shit thats due tomorrow that I have no clue on what to do because as I said my teacher is an idiot! But whatever. I've been debating about how much of an ass to be on my Bday, I have to make it memorable since the last 3 have been, I need to keep the streak going... 22-was on stage at a strip club in front of people I worked with and striped and spanked, 23- Was almost shot going to dinner with Chris, DQ, and Zefyurs girl, 24-was the getaway with HB. See we got some good and bad mixed in there, I guess I'll start tame and if it starts to get too boring, I'll probably have to pick a fight with someone. CF was been trying to do way to much for this thing, she was going to drive to PA to get me some Yuengling but then ended up haveing to work so she tried to order it online but they called and said they couldn't send it or someshit, shes gonna pay for the keg which I suggested and was going to buy since its at her house and will probably get kinda trashed. She keeps talking about getting me something else. I feel like a dick, my son keeps asking about the last chicks little girls and when he can go play with them again. I had to tell him they are with their dad cuz I don't talk to her anymore, she was still pissed at me or something so I said whatever. I am afraid of this happening with CF too, it's not gonna work, but I think with her maybe we will still be able to be friends and hopefully the kids can still hang out. Who the hell knows. I just gotta keep on being honest to her and myself and see what happens. Well back to the homework...Yay! NOT!!

Quicky...

Just kind of a quick update. I had my 2 day orientation for the new job, it still seems cool, but it sucks I had to get my TB shot again and get it read before I can find out when I start actually working, I got the shot Tuesday and have to get it read today so I can finally call and hopefully start working soon as shit because I am broke as a joke and my bills are piling again! The fucking GI Bill is still fucking with me, they say I am only a 3/4 time student even though I have enough credits to be a full time student, full time would pay me an extra 200 a month which obviously I could really use! I keep telling myself that once I get the money from them things will start to get better cuz I wasn't making shit as a cook, barely enough to pay my car payment and insurance let alone my utilities and shit. But fuck it, I am trying, not much I can really do at the moment, I was trying to look for a guy strip club to see if they had amature night, I'd get drunk and go shake my wee wee for some money! WHo knows maybe I'd find a new carrer. Things with CF have still been going pretty good, shes been getting some drama from her ex but she just kinda gets upset for a couple minutes and shes right back to being happy and in a good mood, I wish I could do that shit. I don't remember if I mentioned it before but we are having a kegger at her house for my Bday, it should be fun as hell, I wanna teach my dad to play beer pong, I think that would be funny as shit. Speaking of my dad I need to go help him finish putting a roof on the garage, we tore it off yesterday. But figured I'd drop a line.

I had to say something...

So shortly after my last post, I went to work for my last day which was nice and short and pretty easy. I need to giver her a nickname or something now so lets go with.... CF cuz I am running out of nicknames I'll just use her initials, so CF is the girl from the previous post not to be confused with CG from a while ago. SO CF came up to work to see me, and before she left she asked if I got her text, I said no cuz I keep the ringers off at work and she said to check it when I got a chance. She sent me a text to ask me if I would go out with her, so being the smart ass I am I say where to buy me more time and she just said steady, I told her I'd call her after work. So I discussed my situation with my co-workers. Shes cool and everything but I'm still unsure about a relationship status, I mean I am not really a player or anything, if I am talking to or "seeing"(but not dating) someone, I am not usually making out with another chick or anything. So some of the guys at work made me see that it is pretty much the same thing except with a label. SO whats the big deal about a label, its not like marriage or moving in together or anything. So I called her and we hung out and I kept giving her shit about asking me out in a text and never actually gave her an answer. And what is the deal with women thinking sex and love go hand in hand.... HB told me she loved me while we were having sex for the first time, that I didn't mind because I was already in love with her... but last night after sex CF kinda mumbled something and I asked what and she just says I don't know if I can tell u yet and I am hoping to god that it was "I love you" and not that she has aids or clamidia or some shit like that! Just kiding I am 98% sure it was I love you, and if she does say it, I cannnot say it back. That makes me feel I am fucking with her emotions which I am not. I am far from ready to jump into another long term relationship, right now I just like hanging out, I enjoy her company, I don't mind being called her boyfriend or vise versa, but I am not to that level, maybe I will someday but right now I am not looking to plan a future with anyone! But yeah thats the case so far....

Here we go again....

So yeah, I started talking to this girl. Its weird cuz around here a lot of faces look familiar and I think I should know them, well she was kind of one of them but we didn't go to school together or anything so it wasn't that, then eventually she heard my last name. Well a long long time ago, My uncle went to her school(he is only a couple years older than me) I went to one of his football games and met this cheerleader and a band chick, I ended up making out with the band chick, well this chick was the cheerleader. I was like wow, thats funny. But she is really cool, she has 2 kids. I don't know what the deal is with all these chicks with 2 kids but whatever. A boy whos 7 I think and girl whos 10 or somewhere like that. I met them yesterday the girl was good but the boy had some temper and anger problems. He punched his sis in the face like 3 times. It was crazy. But the way I see it, its not like I'm going to move right in or anything so I'm thinking about giving her a shot. We went out the other night and had fun and hung out and stuff and the only thing that kind of bothered me is that she said she was nervous about meeting me again and stuff and about the butterflies in her stomach... I didn't have any butterflies and I don't know if thats a good thing or a bad thing. I mean I didn't go expecting anything other than meeting up with someone I knew a long time ago. She really digs me and I don't know what I think. Shes cool, she's not bad looking, shes good company, she talks quite a bit but not too much just enough to fill in since I don't talk a lot. I guess only time will tell. Just hang out and hope its stays cool like this. I am making her throw me a Bday party, shes got a preety nice house so I told her shes having a party.

On a different note today is my last day as a cook, I was supposed to have my orientation for my other job last Thurday but the changed it to this coming Thurs, so I got like 3 days off til then, I'll still have school but it will be kinda relaxing. Though I really need the money, I am running on change! And more bills keep coming in, I have no clue when I am gonna get my money for going to school but it needs to be soon!

As of late

So I was filling out another dumb myspace survey the other day while I was bored and it asked about a best friend, it kinda depressed me, I don't have a best friend anymore, hell I guess Dan here is my best friend, this blog is all I tell everything to anymore and he at least gives me some general comments back. Something about this place, I mean I have friends that I tell certain things to but I don't really have anyone who I can tell everything to without fear of being judged anymore. I don't remember the last time I talked to Chris but when I tried it was just het how are things, good, and general bullshit and that was it. He's probably better friends with HB now anyway since his wife and her are friends and they live closer and shit. It is sad though. I have been doing good, I am more comfortable with myself and everything and don't really care what happens, I know I am going to survive and be ok, but I miss having that one person who you can bear your darkest secrets with. I had Chris then he left and I had HB but now theres no one, I mean my closest and the person I trust the most is SM's brother who I've been hanging out with maybe once a month or so, I feel good talkin with him but thats few and far in between too, plus he just found out his girlfriend is pregnant and shit so I doubt he'll be going out much. The guys from work we just drink and BS there isn't real deep conversation there. I really miss CHris!! We were like brothers on the same lines, we had the fucked up sense of humor and yet we were the "nice guy" who always got fucked over. He tried to help me out with HB but I just kinda ignored it, I mean I tried but with all the other shit that was happening, I just got fucked up. Oh well ther I go dwelling on the past again. I have been doing great on not really thinking about that shit except I have been trying to write a couple songs. I thought about posting them on here but I doubt it, one of these days when I am off Wednesday or Thurday I am going to try to put the lyrics to a melody and play some shit on my guitar. I really want to start or be in a band, all I need is the talent and well someone to teach me how to play better. I work on my voice everyday in my car, I have got the screaming to sound a lot better and I think the vocal parts have been getting better toi, it really has helped to quit smoking, I can hear the difference from before. But whatever, I need to go to bed soon cuz I got school early tomorrow.

New Job....?

So yeah I may be putting in my 2 week notice today. I had an interview Tuesday for a place that I thought was more geared to medical stuff, I filled out the application with all the others I was doing but all the job seems to entail from my interview is you go hang out with mentally handicap people. My buddy from the Navy does this in New York except he works at a group home and he loves it. Here they live on their own and you just go hang out for a couple hours, take them bowling or go to the movies and shit and get paid for it! They said there are some that you have to give them medication and stuff but a lot of them can do everything on their own. It is less hours but a little more an hour raise and they said I'd get a raise after so long. But the drop ins they were telling me about were like 4-8 which would be good for my school schedule plus I wouldn't be working late, It's just been over a week and I can see myself getting burnt out kinda fast. I have been trying to get as many hours at work as I can cause I really really need the money right now until I get the money for my GI Bill, they screwed up my financial aid so I had to pay 300 for my books and shit and I'm not sure if I have to pay the 7-800 for this EMT class or not, I just have no clue what is going on...but anyway I have been working late and Tuesdays and Fridays I have to be at school early with not much sleep. I am pretty tired and cranky right now but I can't sleep cause I got some homework to do and then gotta leave for work at 4. It sucks! So the schedule will be better, the pay an hour better but probably be getting less hours so smaller check, I won't relly be working, I won't be sweating my ass off all night slaving in a kitchen. SO I have been trying to decide, I think I am gonna put in my 2 week notice today and let them know whats going on and stuff just in case I wanna come back or whatever. I like the job though I do get irritated at times with how busy and rushed everyone gets and then people start to get hostile, I don't really like that, I try to remain calm and take things one at a time then someone comes over yelling and getting up in my grill(get it) then I get mad and so on. But I go for orientation for the mew place on Thursday, they seem to want to get me in as soon as possible which is great except I may have to try to work both for a week which I think would be impossible so I think I'll put my 2 weeks in today and then tell the other place next wek that I just need to wait a week to start or depending on my scedule what days I have off. I dunno hopefully everything will work out, I guess I'll see!! Well off to do some homework!

Weekend Review....

So I haven't been home at all this weekend. First if I have any ones phone number(Martini if u still read) and you got drunkdialed Saturday, I am sorry, I didn't do it!! So Friday I went with a couple friends up to a cottage on the lake again, we just kinda hung out Friday played some cards and shit. Saturday we went out on the lake, did some swimming a guy skiied, 2 of us couldn't though because our feet were too big and the ski wouldn't go bigger, it sucked. Then we went to the store and got a shitload of beer and a guy bought some shots of liquor, oh yeah I gotta look that up. Quatro-tres, some spanish liqor that tasted so good like vinilla syrup! And Navy rum was good! Anyways we played beer pong which I kicked fucking ass in!! And then a guy got ahold of my phone and started calling a couple of the girls in my phone book, he called the crazy chick I was hooking up with in the latter posts and HB and SM or FSM whatever So I had a couple angry voicemails, but phone is messing up again like on the way to the concert it just dies, I took it to sprint and they said the battery was dead even though it charged all night so I just have to keep it on the charger and take it in tomorrow slightly charged. Dumbasses! But then yesterday I went with my parents to a casino, I didn't win enough to get more tattoos :( I broke even I lost 150 yeasterday and won it back today before we came home so wasn't too bad, my parents lost a couple hundred I guess, they didn't say much. I missed school today, my second day of Phycology class, that kinda sucks, I hope I'm not behind too much Wednesday, tomorrow I gotta get up early tomorrow for my first EMT class, hopefully I can get everything straight with that, I also have an interview for a place working with the handicap, they kinda took forever to call me back and now I guess they are holding mass interviews at least thats what it seems, but I am gonna try to kick into the place, I definately could use the extra money and I am tired of my face breaking out from working in fast food again, I don't think my coworkers will be wuite as fun but give and take, its all got good and bads right... Well I am off to do some homework and then try to get to bed early. And if u were drunkdialed, let me know what was said cuz HB didn't talk to me, the crazy chick is kind of ignoring my and SM hasn't returned my calls, I have no clue what was said, the guy IU think did it was wasted and says he doesn't remember so.... I can only apologize and say it really wasn't me!

Silverstein Xs 5!!!!

So last night was the best concert ever and probably the 3rd best day of my life! It started pretty bad traffic sucked getting to Detroit, I kinda got losed because some roads were blocked and cops were directing traffic, I finally decided to just park, I found a lot. My phoine kept just shutting off, it wouldn't stay on, then it wouldn't even turn on. The lot ended up being right around the corner from the venue. I didn't get anyone to go with me, I went in the bar next to it, sat had a couple drinks talked to the bartenders til doors opened. I'm not going to go into it about the bands cuz I only got a couple hours sleep and gotta go to school in half hour. Smoke and water or something was cool during it I made some guy buy me a beer for talking shit. Comeback Kid kicked fucking ass some chick came up and started making out with me. SIlverstein of course was great but still didn't play already dead, I also made out with this girls friend. Also during Silverstein I shoved back some guy who got pissed off and punched me in the face, as he tried to do it a second time I grabbed his arm and broke it. I finally got to do one of the fucking moves I learned in hand to hand combat.I grabbed his arm over my shoulder and just yanked the fucker, he just kind of ran off. It was fucking hilarious, I do have a bit of a mark on my cheek though. Rise Against was very good I definately want to see them again too! But got to make out with 2 chicks and break a dudes arm, I don't think I can top that. Hell I don't think I ever even made out at a concert when I went with a girlfriend, I kissed but not like that. Then on the drive home I had to drive though a fucking monsoon! I could barely see the road!!! But I got home safe and have a great story. Good things, bad things, and great fucking memories! But I should have some pics, I'll try to post them sometime this weekend.

Saliva and other shit

So Sunday I did get to see Saliva play in my small ass fucking town! Barely! So we have been having floods and shit, they couldn't play at Kmart parking lot because it was raining so they moved it over to the latin american club which they said could only hold 550 people, they solde about 1500 tickets! So this means big riot in small town right. We got there plenty early(me and my cousin) but I was hungover(still drunk) I stayed up all night with some guys from work drinking, so I took a nap in my car when I woke up there was a long ass line. I noticed that I knew like everyone working security and shit. We waited in the cold ass wind and freezing rain for 3 hours til they opened the doors and then they let people in and stopped 5 people from us and said they were full. My friends said they'd get us in a side door but then they came back and said they could let 20 more people in, so we were good. They actually had a shitton more room but that was the "maximun occupancy". But had a good time, it was my 13 year old cousins first concert, little kids had a mosh pit going but cops came in and busted it up, these cops were fucking stupid! A 9 year old crowd surfed, a sherrif fucking threw people to get the kid down and then dragged off a guy who helped pick him up, if he fucking wanted up who cares its a fucking rock show!!

Tomorrow I am going to see Rise Against, Silverstein, and Comeback Kid!! in Detroit, I can't find anyone to go with me :( this town sucks, I almosist had this 17 year old kid I work with but he has to go school shopping with his mom! I just keep busting his balls, hes funny. But all my friends who would dig that music fucking work and that is only like 3 people! Whatever, I'll just waste money on an extra ticket like usual!

Today was my first day of school!! I have Psychology on Monday and Wednesday, EMT Basic on Tuesday and Biology on Friday! Kinda sucks I couldn't get at least a couple on the same day since I have to drive like 20 miles to the place but whatever, I can deal with one class a day. I also got my first check at work, that fucking sucked!!!!! I was getting twice that every fucking week, but I am getting this every 2 weeks!! I will not be able to pay my bills, thank god to my GI Bill that should start paying me to go to school here next month! I had to take out a loan to get me to then! I finally got my tat finished, I just got some green background for Homer and Bart, some negative stars, it looks cool! I was talking to him about what I wanted for my other arm, an actual heart with a dagger through it, he said we could put the heart in the middle of the barbed wire I already have and make it work! I am going gambeling with my parents this weekend for my moms bday, hopefully I will win again so I can pay some bills and start on my other arm! I want to be fucking covered with tats! I have some more ideas! But here is a couple of pics from the show sunday! Oh yeah the guitarist I think his name was Johnny got a tat at the shop I go to before the show! They are supposed to come back to play a makeup show for those who didn't get in, I still got my ticket so I will be there!





Below is the guy who got the tat!

My Tattoo and some Darma

So I really don't have anything much to say. But I figured I'd update a little and put some pics up of my half sleeve for those of you who haven't seen it, feel free to comment on it. I love it, it should have been finished yesterday but we had some miscommunication so it will be finished Tuesday all thats left is putting a green background on the inside behind Homer and Bart. I like all the different fonts we used for each word, I just wish my "box at the elbow looked a little more like a box. I like the way my heart at the tip of it isn't a full heart, its incomplete. There were just little things that the tat guy suggested and helped make things better, I wish I had the drawing I went in with it was quite funny considering I have no artistic ability whatsoever! I was trying to draw and squeeze this box and words all on the inside of my arm which would never have fit, but that ws one of the main things I really wanted! I just didn't know how to put it on or fit it in. But whatever I love the work he did and I love the work on my arm!! I am sad that it will be over, I am trying to figure out what next, I am thinking about a dagger though a bleeding heart or something. I have to put something on my other arm cuz all it has is barbed wire and looks naked now compare to this! but here they are.







But hope everyone has a good weekend, I will be working though I am supposed to meet a new friend tomorrow before work, we'll see if shes as phyco as the last one. I've talked to her a couple of times, she seems cool but I guess she is religious, we'll see how much cuz we know that ain't my style. But I told the other chick that it was over and she got pissy and gave me attitude about the chick who left me some comments on myspace. Her fucking boyfriend was just here, she fucked him, it broke our deal and I told her that. Then she started saying well its 4 more months until he'll be back and that she was thinking about telling him to forget it and breaking it off and blah blah blah. I thought about telling her I thought about being a millionaire, it doest change the reality huh. But instead I didn't say shit, I don't have to say shit, we didn't really have anything but she got pissy and said she was going to bed. Fucking crazy, she's the one cheating on her boyfriend and gonna try to guilt me. Women! Whatever, I don't repect cheaters anyway anyone who knows me knows that. Why was I the other guy, because I was lonely and if it wasn't me it'd just be someone else so why not. Plus we were straight up with each other, there was no commitment, I at least had the decency to tell her that it wasn't going on anymore instead of just ignoring her cuz I did think about doing that too. Whatever, lets see if she starts talking shit now.

So lets see what was the last post?? I didn't get to see Silversun Pickups yet again, I probably never will, my friend that lives in Columbus was up here, we hung out there was a huge birthday party, it was fun. I swear I hate him though, Uncle Tom would understand.... he can pick up any instrument and play it well. Some fucking alien thing could fall from the sky and he could probably make good music with it in 10 minutes. I keep telling him he has to teach me, we'll see though. But Saliva is playing here next Sunday so I will definately be seeing them, but I guess we probably won't get much time to hang out with them, I guess the drummers mom just died. Then I bought tickets for Silverstein, Rise against, and Comeback kid up in Detroit next Thursday. Hopefully I can find someone to drag with me, all the other concerts I put off buying tix until something came up and I couldn't go so I bought these already because its fucking Silverstein and its a new fucking album so I have to see them, plus I like the other bands!!

Lets see the drama with that chick, she just hasn't talked to me all week, so yeah I am done with her, she is in love or thats what shes saying on myspace so I am done, I am not going to fuck with love. I pretty much thought she was by the way she'd talk to him on the phone. Plus like I said I don't need that shit, let someone else deal with it. My son said he ran into her at the store when he was with his mom, that should have been funny especially since she was probably with her boyfriend and my son was with his mom... But whatever I have been talking with some other people and shit. I start school in a week and a half....so I am going to be busy as shit... About time! Well I need to go play with my kid, I think we'll go to the park today even though its probably gonna be hot as hell yet again!

Here comes the drama!!

Well lets begin with work isn't too bad. It kinda sucks knowing I went from a cushy job making 20/hr to sweating my ass off in a kitchen for less than 7. But whatever lifes got its ups and downs, a couple months ago I was haapy and in love too, now I am single and the chick I am fucking is a nut. So her "boyfriend" or whatever that lives in Florida and wanted to move up around Christmas is now coming up for a visit next weekend. I am trying to decide if I should use this as an out or not. We had a deal, only have sex with each other, that was it no other commitments except to not sleep woth other people. Well she is more than likly gonna sleep with him so that breaks our deal. But I like having her around, I am shy I can't just go out and even drunk, find a girl and make out with or take home or whatever. I have a couple of times but it is rare and was a whole lot easier in a big place like DC instead of here where I will see that person again or someone there will see it and talk shit and my business will be all over or whatever. SO that is my personal inner debate right now. She is cool and all but she tells the same damn stories over and over. Shes had a rough life but I am tired of hearing how her ex husband beat her and this and that, once is enough. She was raped once and almost raped another, ok, once I know that is it, I don't want to hear it over and over again. That wouldn't be a subject that I think I would want to keep bringing up anyways. Then I find out this "boyfriend" is a friend that she hasn't actually seen in person for like 10 years or something crazy like that. How fucking nuts is that? He calls her like 20 times a day and it sucks when I am with her she still answers it. So then I have to sit and listen to her fucking talk sweetie to him then come sit on my lap and start kissing on me. That is just weird, it makes me feel like an asshole and I don't like feeling like an asshole. Then now there are a shitload of hotties at work but they all look like jailbait, I haven't asked anyones age just so I don't feel like a complete perv. I like everyone I work with except there is one dumbass that no one likes. I was supposed to go see Silversun Pickups monday in Toledo but they sold out before I could get tix but they are playin a festival thing in Columbus so I am gonna have a friend get some tix for me and I can go down and stay with him. I haven't seen him for a couple years, it should be fun. I think thats about it for now. I gotta get up and open in the morning, I need to go to sleep but I am not that tired yet. It sucks!

New Job!!

So I now work in the kitchen at a wings joint! I wanted to be a bartender or waiter while I was in school but at this point I am just happy to have a job. Friday night I was out with a couple buddies drinking there and a guy came out of the kitchen that I worked with a long time ago at Taco Bell. I told him to get someone fired so I could have a job, he went and got the manager, he came back and asked if I wanted a job, I said yeah, he said ok come Sunday for orientation. The tonight was my first night, there are a couple of old friends that work there, but we lost touch on purpose and on bad terms, but I am willing to put it in the past that they fucked me over. Not much I can do. But the job isn't bad so far, its fast! Lots of people eat there all the time! But that helped time go faster so it was all good. So Now I am gonna have my plate full, I'll be working, my school starts the 22nd, Still spending time with my son, still trying to make new friends, and everything else. We'll see how long it takes for me to burn out. I need it though it sucks being bored and stuck home during the week since my 2 friends work 2nd shift. Well obviously I don't have anything intelligent to say right now, just wanted to update that I have a job!!! Yay me.

Sick Puppies!

So not really anything new, same shit, trying to find a job, getting more and more stressed about money. Trying to figure out how to pay my car and the rest of my bills next month, I may go try to get a loan and say I am still in the Navy and see if that works. But since I don't have much to say I am posting to tell whoever will read or listen about Sick Puppies Click that link and go listen to this band. Anyone who knows me knows how passionate I am about music and "new bands" stuff I haven't heard and then just absolutely fall for, like Silverstein who remains one of my top favorite bands. Well I believe it was on myspace the other day I was bored and checking on bands and I came across this one. I swear I have heard a couple of the songs before, it just kinda has that feel like it has always been a part of my life. It is rock, some mellow, some screaming, some fucked up lyrics, some sentimental, but all of it is fucking great!! I can't stop listening to it. Another fucking addiction. Seriously I made 2 copies of their CD so I can listen to it in the car and keep it playing in my room when I am home. The first 2 songs are my favorite. Actually if you turn on your speakers I have as many songs as I could find on the playlist over there on the side but I know you can't scroll down though. But "My World" and "Pitiful" are my favorite and though I want to post all their lyrics on here I will stick with these 2 songs that you can read while listening to if you can!! I am trying to see if I can see them in Detroit when they come by. On another music note, Saliva is going to play a benefit concert here in my small ass town at our kmart parking lot next month. Funny shit, I should be hanging out with the band cuz my cousin knows a guy and hung out with them before. I will definitely post when that happens.

"My World"

I'm not comin' back
I'm not gonna react
I'm not doin' shit for you.
I'm not sittin' around while you are tearin' it down around us.
I'm not livin' a lie while you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You leave me out on the curb just like everyone else before you.

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think I'm not seeing a shrink.
I'm not doing this again.
I'm not another student or a mother to take your shit out on
So let's see what you got, let's see what you're not
And what ever else you pretend
You defended my intention long ago

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.

I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

So here I am again.
In the middle of the end.
And the trust I wish I'd made
I always make too late

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world.

My world
My world (welcome to my world)
Welcome baby.

"Pitiful"

Made the toast,
Burnt the eggs,
Never got the hang of them,
Just another other day.

Caught the bus,
Forgot the change,
Looks like I'll be late again,
Hopefully they won't complain.

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose

Went to work,
Saw you there,
But you never seem to care,
For a single thing I say.

I set the clock and went to sleep,
This anxiety I keep,
Through another fucking day.

(Looks like that's all today i'm dying)

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose.

My life's so pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.

Well my life's so pitiful.
My life's so pitiful.
My life's so pitiful.
I'm dying.

so yeah....

Sorry about the little explosion the other day. I don't really have anyone to vent my feelings or frustrations to anymore. There are quite a few of them but it seems everyone else has bigger problems to worry about than me. My cousin is fucking broke, his car broke and everything else is going wrong with him. Chris is never around and we don't seem to talk anymore. The couple guys I hang out with, I don't bring up anything but I am broke. People keep giving me shit because I am broke and can't afford to pay my bills next month but I have spent 370 bucks on my tat this month. But at this point I really don't give a fuck. I have been worse off and the past couple years I have been doing really good, I can recover, I fucking deserve to spend money on myself. SO this chick I have been hanging out with is fucking crazy... I don't know really what her deal or angle is... We talked at first about being friends and shit, then decided on fuck buddies, she kinda has a boyfriend that lives in Florida and will be moving up here next year or some shit. Whatever, then she starts talking about she really liked me and all this, so I started kinda feeling like a dick cuz I like her but not that much, you know. Well so she still talks to Florida and tells him she loves him and all this shit. Cool, I don't care. Well I think it was last weekend or the one before, we went and saw a couple bands, well she got trashed...bad. She was drunk dialing people and screaming they had a small dick and she was hooking up with me and shit. I can deal with that I know she hadn't drank in a while and was blowing steam or whatever. Well she is pretty hot and has guys hitting on her constantly again, I don't care we just have sex. But she tries to rub it in my face. This guy in south carolina wants her to move there and live with him, a guy in Wisconsin or some shit, the Florida guy, and now she keeps telling me about this guy from the band we saw, the guy was pretty cool and was talking to me and shit about how we could come down to Columbus and crash with him and just party and shit, he seemed cool. Now she keeps telling me how they talked and shit, like she is trying to make me jealous. It sucks, other than that she is cool and shit, our kids get along great and love playing and everything else. The sex is getting better now that she is warming up to me. But I don't know how long I can deal with the drama. I just want to tell her to shut the fuck up and talk about something other than the guys who want to fuck her. I mean her only request was that while we were fucking, we only fuck each other, thats a good rule, I like that rule. But perhaps we should have added, that I don't want to hear ablut others that want to fuck you or that you are trying to line up for the future. I don't fucking tell her that last night when I was out with my buddies that I was talking to another chick and what the fuck ever you know, there are lines. I dunno know, I just need to find someone else who can make the same deal without the extra drama... I mean I really like the fact that we are fairly honest and open about everything but there are just things I don't want to hear. Like HB would tell me about someone else fucking her, thanks for sharing but not something I need to hear! I mean how would you like to hear I was fucking the shit out of my ex wife and I accidently shoved my dick in her ass and she screamed at me to get it out and jumped like a mother fucker. Its just something that should stay with you... I don't know I am tired and bored as shit. I have been having insomnia lately I can't seem to sleep until like 3 or so. I bout sleeping pills, they don't really work either. I just move back and forth from the computer to the tv, time to move to the tv. Goodnight.

HA

Ok I obviously have a hard time letting go and all the other bullshit. My last post I said about how no girl will measure up to HB. Then talked about how it was shitty the way it ended and asked how much was bullshit because at the end she tells me how miserable I had been making her for months. So how many months could that have been, I don't know because she didn't tell me so obviously I was being bullshitted at the end and if that makes me question how long I am an asshole. Tell me to get off my fucking high horse, read this whole fucking blog from the brginning, all 600 posts, find me one fucking piece where I am on a fucking high horse. I am a nice guy, that is all I claim to be... besides that I am a fuck up I always have been and always will be from the start of HB and I's relationship I told her I'd fuck it up, thats what I do. Don't get pissed at me when I do what I told you from the begining. I fucking know the list of problems I have and am, I know what I can fix and when, I have worked hard on the things I have changed and I am still working on everything about me. You want me on a fucking high horse, you want me to brag about myself. I am honest, I never fucking lied to you. I told you exactly how I felt from day 1 to the fucking end and to this day. I didn't omit or hide my feelings like you obviously did. I told you when I was upset with your son, I didn't hide that fact either. Yes I am fucking immature and let a kid reduce me to arguing, so fucking what. Yes that is my problem, be happy I learned to control the anger that made me welt my own childs ass or else I am sure I could have done worse to one that wasn't mine. Yes I drink, I am a fucking alcoholic, it fucking runs in my family it is hereditary, I am still fighting it. Other than having my fucking son here to distract me, there is no reason for me not to drink. When he goes to bed I no longer have a reason to stay sober, but I have fought it because it means something to me because that is one of the reasons I lost HB. If it made me lose something that was important to me, it is worth working on and everything that HB stated as reasons that it wouldn't work out meant something to me, I worked on every fucking one of those reasons. Why...to get her back...NO! Because I knew that IF BIG FUCKING IF someone like her came into my life again, I didn't want a repeat of the same fucking things to go wrong. I am not just talking about HB as a girlfriend, fiance, wife or anything else, she was my fucking best friend, I told her more than I told Chris and I told Chris almost everything, and what do I have to show for either nothing! They are both in Texas and I am here trying to make new friends where only one other person knows almost as many secrets. I am here starting from scratch, I have no fucking job, no more fucking money, 2 fucking friends, drama keeps following me, I have good reasons to get smashed as fucking hell, and just OD on everything I can get my hands on and I fucking want to so fucking bad but I don't. I have not smoked any weed, I did do coke one night, but that was my first night I went out after I quit smoking, I haven't gotten fucking drunk, I quit smoking, ME I quit fucking smoking! I get up everyday and keep fucking fighting, I go around this fucking shithole of a town and fucking fill out job applications for stupid fucking shit jobs and they don't fucking call me cause my training in Helth physics sounds too fucking complicated for them to understand. Fuck it! I just want to fucking say fuck everything, fuck you, fuck me, fuck this whole fucking world, and slip into another depression but I fight that too. Fuck it I'm done for now!

Sex and other stuff

First off I'd like to apologize to Dan, Uncle Tom, and Zef if you read this. You guys are the last readers of mine that I can spot, a couple come up occasionally but I can't tell who they are or where they are. So if your a stalker and read this please leave me a comment. And if your a dude you may not want to continue...lol. I have decided I am not telling anyone about this blog anymore. People who stumble on it will stumble on it and hopefully tell me what they think. I like the idea of sharing this with people, just not too many people who know me too good. The few who do, I don't mind and please keep reading and leaving comments. So I have had a couple drinks tonight which is more than I have been drinking. I've mentioned before how I have an urge to just get fucked up!! I don't really know why, things haven't been that bad! I just can't understand. There are lots of thoughts running through my head lately. I kind of have a new steady sex, who is addicted and loves my cock, but it just isn't HB. When I kiss her, her lips are so small and I don't know how to explain it, not full and embracing. The sex isn't too bad, she is in great shape for having 2 kids and shit, she is skinny as hell and tight, I thought I'd split her in 2. But so far she just kinda lies there and I like to feel I don't know something. HB is a hard act to follow, seriously. I put all my bets on her and I felt so much for her, that anyone else I just feel guarded against. I feel no one is as good. And when I started thinking about it, I actually have no clue how many people I have slept with. Seriously, I can't name or number how many people I had sex with between my ex wife and HB, I know 3 for sure but the rest is a drunken blur. It kinda sucks. I feel like a douche. I know I am a nice guy but that time of my life was a mess, and I feel that the next girl I am ready to settle down with asks how many people I have been with I will feel like a dick because I can't give an exact number or names or anything. The one I am with now has hinted around to asking and shit. One of the main things is I feel really bad to comparing her or anyone in general that I talk to to HB. I'm still not positive about her, why should I compare people to her. I am still confused to what all was fake and real with her. Everything seemed so real and great and then just all went to hell, we had some tough times but I didn't expect it to go as bad as it did. Now she won't talk to me and shit, makes me wonder you know. Maybe it was all bullshit. I was just occupying her time while she was stuck in Maryland. It really fucks with my head, well like most things. I believed everything until she dropped me like a bad habit for the crappy comment and shit. Then I just kinda think about how it all could have been bullshit. How I am so fuckin Gullible, to believe that she had feelings for me and everything else. Or that how she could just drop the feelings like she did. I can understand moving on but not really the way she did. She planned everything before she even talked to me and that is fucked up. I don't want to go though that drunken, sex phase again where I can't remember all that happened. My ex-wife has been causing drama and shit. Last night my friend was over with her 2 girls, the kids were playing good and shit then the XW calls up bitching that she didn't know these people and there are weirdos here and shit. I bite my lip for a while literally but she kept pressing so I went off on her family and pissed her off, she threatened to come get our son, Then we started yelling, then we talked and then she apologized. It was nuts. I hate that bitch and her family but I have been good on keeping quiet about everything. She should know better than to start shit with me. I am a nice guy until provoked then I can be brutal! Well I can't think of much else to say for now, may be back later after a few more...lol!

Just an Update

So I think my last post was about the temptations of alcohol. Well I did end up getting a bottle of Beam, but I have controlled drinking it. I make me a drink every once in a while. I have been quite obsessed with getting my tattoo, anyone who has a couple may kind of understand. It is addicting as well, I must just have an addicting personality, I seem to get addicted to everything, drinking, smoking, concerts, tattoos, watching tv, sex, certain people, and probably more. But it is good, I had my third session yesterday, it was just coloring but my shoulder is quite sore, more than it has been the other 2 times, I probably have 2 more until its finished but I may only have the money for one more, its been costing 100 a pop so.... I'm sure I will come up with the money even if I end up broke! It is therapeutic, the pain feels good and I just sit there for a couple hours talking with a cool dude about shit and when we don't talk my mind sorts through different problems. I am just excited to about how its all coming together on my arm and looking fucking awesome as hell. Since I haven't put a pic up and the people who see it on myspace probably can't figure it out, I had a 4 leaf clover on my shoulder, I surrounded it with flames, put a ca deuce(medical symbol) underneath it and at my elbow is kind of a make shift Pandora's box( it doesn't quite look like a box like I wanted but it fits great and works a lot better) It has a couple heart shaped symbols in it and coming out of it are different emotions: Anger, hope, love, sadness, Hate, Pride, desire, happiness, fear. Then hopefully the last session will be Homer and bart simpson on the inside of my arm to symbolize me and my son. The guy doing it seems to keep putting this off for last cuz he knows its gonna be pretty difficult and painful.

Aside from that I have made a new friend, it has been quite interesting, we made it clear that we were just gonna be friends with benefits because I don't want a relationship and she said the same but I think she is starting to have feelings for me. Its kinda funny, I figured I would be the one to start getting attached but I just kind of feel like a cold asshole. It hasn't gotten to bad though, we'll see what happens with that. She is really cool, and pretty hot, really skinny though, its bad when I think I am gonna break someone in half, I am pretty skinny. But yeah theres that.

HB won't talk to me anymore cuz she called and said she was missing movies and kept asking if I was sure I didn't have her girly movies, I said no. She eventually found them and apologized. Then she said sorry for being a cunt, all I did was jokingly say I was used to it and she hung up won't return my calls and kicked me off her myspace and everything else. Hell we joked alot worse than that before, I apologized several times if it did offend her, but I think she just wanted an excuse to end all contact and I gave it to her since all bills are paid and we got our money. It would have been easier to just say something like hey I think it would be better for me for us not to talk or something instead of trying to make me feel like it is all my fault when it isn't but whatever. We can't all be perfect.

Here's the lyrics from a son on Silversteins new album which I LOVE!! What else is new, they are awesome!

Silverstein- Worlds Apart

Lying all alone, wishing you would call.
Writing all my thoughts has broken all my bones.
You gave it all up, you threw it all away.
There's nothing I can do.

What do I think of dying?
You know it's even worse than what's in my head.
You don't believe me when I tell you,
I don't want to be a fraud and pretend that everything's fine.
I won't be here when you get home.
I'm not gonna sit here and die.

I'll follow through again this time.
I'll swallow swords
I'll be just fine.

You read me like a book.
You know I'm running out of legs to stand on.
I won't believe you when you tell me.
These old habits die so hard.
There's not intervention in sight.
There's no point in calling you.
I'm just gonna stand here and fight.

I'll follow through again this time.
I'll swallow swords, spit out my pride.
I'll be just fine.
You fill my head with endless lies.
You're killing me, I'm killing time.
I'll be just fine.

So, maybe one day the pain will go away,
And I will see your face,
I won't even care.
Changing all the locks 'cause I can't change you.