Pepper spray..?

Its been quite difficult to blog lately just because I am in such a rut. I don't really do anything. I go to school, I go to work, I sit around here, occasionally I hang out with my friends but since I haven't been drinking as much there isn't drunken stupidity. I think it was last week, one night my buddy came over we had some beers bullshited til like 5 am watchin movies and crap. One night we hung out at the bar, had a couple and just bullshitted with some other friends til it closed then we went to his place and played cards. This weekend there may be some craziness we are having a diaper party for him since he is havin a baby and we are gettin a keg. I am not going as crazy as I did for my bday but I may have a few more than normal. A bad thing I found out is my other friend has a thing for the LPN and has been tryin to get with her so I kinda have to repect him and stop flirtin with her, she was at the bar with us last week. It seemed like she was tryin to get to know me but was more flirty with him so I don't know. I told him to let her know how he feels and if he doesn't I will. I was gonna ask her to be my valentine. Gotta push him cause he is like me and will wait until its too late. I'll probably die alone but at this point I don't really give a shit. I know I need to stick to my plans for this year and at least try to talk to random chicks but I'm not goin to force anything. I did talk to this hot little redhead in my substance abuse class. It sucks because it feels like my face gets so red when I talk to them, I wish I knew how to stop that. Then I feel worse because they can see me blushing when I'm just bringing up general conversations and it makes me feel like a little kid or something. I guess thats the thing though I need to practice so it will stop. It a damned double edge sword. Its just weird cuz most the time I don't give a shit what people think of me, if I am irritated with some chick that I don't know I can tell her what the fuck I think but if I just think a chick is cute and say hi or something I freak. Oh yeah in that same class is a chick I used to work with at Taco Bell and used to flirt with all the time. We used to get stoned and shit and now we are in the same substance abuse class...lol. I don't think she is as clean as I am though so I don't think I will be asking her to hang out anytime soon.

On a different note, I sprayed myself with pepper spray today. WHy you ask, because I was bored and when my friends did it in the military they said it cleared up their faces and my face is breakin out bad, so figured why not. It took a while to hurt and then it hurt like hell for quite a while and my face was red for about 2 hours. It better fucking work. I am poor and fucked for this month because the school is fucking retarded. I submitted my papers to get my money from the military when I signed up and they haven't submitted them yet. I called and asked about it, they said they would do it sometime next week. I should be getting paid for it this week! That is about $1,000 that I now don't have to pay my bills. Thanks assholes. So I am gonna have to put it all on my credit cards and hope I get it quickly or my income tax. Retards. Well I think I am gonna fuck around on the web and then finish my laundry. I feel like going and puttin a bottle of Jim Beam on my card and getting plastered!!!! But I won't, I'll get some drinks Saturday with friends. I am not going to start drinking alot, alone again!!

Music is a blessing and a curse

So it took quite a while after HB for me to be able to listen to certain CDs because it made me think of her. There were the Stars, Billy Talent, 30 Seconds to Mars, and well half od my music. But lately the thought of her has been diminishing. I am able to listen to those bands without problem, some with even found memories. Billy Talent I believe was our last concert and a blast... check out their live album 666!! But I was just watching scrubs cuz that show is cool and funny and this song comes up that just kinda smacked me in the face... If you scroll down on my playlist its the last song. Its a good, sad, song but it just hit a nerve even though I never heard it before. I'm not saying I'm never gonna be happy with anyone else or anything but at times I do wonder if I will heres the lyrics.

RHETT MILLER- "Come Around"

I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart
I'm depressed upstairs and I'm remembering where
And when and how and why'd you have to go so far
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
I'm dressed all in white and I remember the night
You came on to me and opened up my heart
I was hollow then till you filled me in now I'm empty again
I should have never let it start
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
No one else can fix me although sometimes my heart tricks me
Into thinking someone else will do
But you're the only one you are the only one
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Am I gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
I'm gonna be lonely for the rest of my life
Unless you come around so come around
So come around so come around
I'm dressed all in blue and I'm remembering you
And the dress you wore when you broke my heart

Uhh School...

Occasionally through the week or when I am lying in bed trying to sleep, I think of something or a topic that I wanna talk about on here but it always seems that by time I have the time to... I forget. So I survived my first week of school last week, I think I am going to like this semester. Fist class is substance abuse, the teacher seems pretty cool, plus we get to talk about drugs all day... The first class we had to anonomously write what drugs, legal or illegal, we have taken the last 6 months... for me this didn't include any illegal but I thought about writing some of the stuff I did before that. Other classmates had quite a list, we wrote them all out on the board just to see all the variety we had. Second is Cultural Diversity again the teacher seems cool, so far we just read at home then discuss in class, no notes no nothing really. The book itself is just interesting to read so far, its just called Race, class, gender. Its just a bunch of writings about peoples lives and oppression and stuff, I've only read like 3 of them but its cool. The only one I worry about is my online class about Ethics in Health care, only cuz its hard for me to do it or read... I don't know why. I find myself on mypace instead or here doing this...lol. Other than class, nothing is happening. I am boycotting American Idol, I refuse to watch it. I just watch Family Guy instead it is more entertaining. Oh yeah Heath Ledger was found dead a couple hours ago, I guess he got too into his role as Joker in Batman... My dad just kept sayin he'd OD too if he ws known as that gay cowboy...

Its always 2 out of 3

I guess thats why theres a song about 2 out of 3 aint bad. Well last night right after I shut off the tv and laid down to sleep my buddy texted me to come out and since its a goal this year, I got up and went out and I only drank 2 beers but I didn't talk to any ladies... though I did finally see the LPN again and she gave me a hug, she may have been drunk though she didn't talk much, she was dancing with her friends. Any place with dancing isn't a good place for me to try to strike up a conversation since I don't dance... Plus I always think of the Dane Cook skit were its a girl and shes going on about "no guys tonight, I just wanna dance!" But it was still a pretty good time, we hung out and shot the shit.

Tomorrow is my first day with my new classes, maybe I'll get lucky and have some cool ass hot chick in there. But I just had a conflicting though while I was in the shower and about my life goals: I always say fuck the world and lifes a bitch then you die and you always hear seize the day and all this shit. Well these sayings kinda say to drink, fuck, and party in case you die tomorrow... And this is against the way I have been living. I have been focusing more on trying to make myself better for the future that I may not have... I am conflicted and don't really have a good argument about why I should keep bettering myself. I'm still gonna keep on the way I am going but it kind of makes me regret the thought popping up. I just thought I'd share that thought to see if it boggles any one elses mind or if I am just a moron...

Oh I saw the movie Control about the life of Ian Curtis of Joy Division. The movie was pretty fucking good. It reminded me of Kurt Cobain even though it was way before him. But young star with crazy kind of life, and medical problems that he doesn't know how to deal with. Except Ian didn't show him doing drugs he was just torn between 2 women

My head just may explode....

Why... I don't know. I have been real antsy this past week or so. I think it has to do with the weather. It was 68 the other day!!! It was nice as hell, the temp has been between 30-10 the past months and out of nowhere it was warm, then some thunderstorms hit and now its cold again... Monday I went up to the gym at school before work since I needed to do something and oh my gawd was I sore yesterday and then yesterday was my first day back for my EMT class so I went and worked out again and I am sore as hell today but it feels so damn good!! I almost want to go back today since I have nothing to do but I know my body needs to rest. I have been so fucking bored, almost hoping for homework from school next week, though I know in 2 weeks I am probably going to be stressed and going crazy, if its not one extreme its the other! Lately I have just been strumming on my guitars (for some reason the electric's strings fuck up my fingers more) til my fingers hurt, then work on my simpsons puzzle til I start to go blind from focusing on the little fucking pictures, then play on the computer and wait for something to come on tv, every once in a while I play my simpsons game that I already beat but need to go back and find all the little secret shit I missed. Gawd I am a boring ass dork!! But you know what I am staying out of trouble so I guess thats what counts most... though I guess I'm not getting out like I am supposed to but I have to wait on friends for things like that... Its hard though, I've been thinking about missing my old friends and old times like usual but it was easy in the military. Here there is nothing really to do but get drunk or do drugs and I don't really want to do either, you know. I don't mind drinks every once in a while, I think I average once every 2 weeks or so. At least when there is a UCF PPV I go up to the bar to watch it. But I don't need or want to be around it all the time especially the way the stupid asses act around here! And all my old friends other than the 2 I hang out with now were and still are into drugs and shit... with my addictive personality and feeling like shit most the time I would fall right back into that shit... For some reason people tend to dislike me here. I don't really know why all I do is speak my mind, we are not in high school, I don't talk behind peoples back, if I don't like you I will tell you that you are annoying and be quiet. A couple of the people I met seem to prefer people who lie and backstab. fuck them... Anyway there I go off on a tangent again... Well its about time to do either my puzzle or video game... fun fun!!

Happy New Year

So this is my first post of 2008! For new years I ended up going to my cousins new place and hanging out and having a few drinks, it was a pretty good time, I didn't drink that much. There were some wasted guys there that were being annoying and my cuz is pregnant and obviously couldn't drink so I kinda helped her clean up the messes they made since her boyfriend ended up passin out. Now I don't make resolutions but one of the things I have been thinking about that I need to focus on this year is being selfish and having confidence, these are the next big things on my list to be better. The alcohol thing is something I am continually working on, but I think working on those 2 things may help. Lets look at the reasons I usually drink or drank actually... 1. Boredom, this I am doing a puzzle and play ps2 to try to fight, tv is getting boring and I need to find a book or something. 2. To open up socially, I use it as a crutch if I am afraid to talk to a chick at a bar or whatever, I drink so I won't care and then when I still don't say anything I drink because I failed. 3. To deal with things, well period. If I had more confidence it would help well 2 out of 3, not much cure for boredom, I have been fucking with my guitar more but still sound like shit. Being selfish, this has been a problem too... I am always worried about other people, I always put others before myself. Even if we look back to my last big single period, I wasn't being selfish I just got drunk and found fuck buddies, thats all I really did. I didn't do anything for myself. I'm still not too sure how to be selfish, its not like I have money to spend on myself but I will try to find ways... I need to get back to the gym I feel lazy as shit!! Luckily I haven't lost any of my muscle even though I really havent done shit since school got out. Anyways back to selfish and confidence and fighting the alcohol. These 3 things need to be my mission this year. I need to make time to go out(selfish) actually meet and talk to chicks(confidence) I don't need to get numbers or fuck or anything, I just need to be able to start conversations with them for me to learn that its ok, I am not gonna die or get maced or what the fuck ever goes through my fucking body keeping me from doing it!! And all this needs to be accomplished without being wasted, I will allow 2 drink max when I go out! Thats it, thats all I need to do this year, again not a resolution because those are things that people try to force on themselves and end up failing and being more pissed. I think they can be acomplished