A Lot of Nothingness

SO you can read the last post. Things went bad and things were better for a couple weeks but now she says shes fucking leaving again. SO I give up! Unfortunately I am stuck at work until 6am, but when I get home I am going out Leaving Las Vegas style. I am a pussy when it comes to suicide. I have tried before and chicken out. I cam close once but the rope broke in the closet. I had been doing better with my anti depressants and anxiety meds, I have been sober again for 26 days. BUT MY WIFE just broke up with me via text and I told her at the beginning that I couldn't take anymore and I meant it when I said til death do us part. So When I go home in 7 hours I will be taking the 15 remaining Xanax, However many Celexa, and drowning in 151 and if that isn't enough I will drink her wine and lie on my chase until I drift off into oblivion. I am scared, but I have tried so much and can't take it anymore. Nothing I have ever done has been right. I have a lot of hate and darkness in me. I try to make up for it by doing good. I became a paramedic, I am a corpsman in the Navy, I am part time fire fighter. But nothing ever seems to bring good to me. I have fought and strived for better. I finally bought my own home, I have a decent family but still can't even keep my wife from cheating on me. I can't hold it together anymore. I'm afraid Im still not going to be able to do it.... I will probably have to take a bit at a time. I will be up all night. The alcohol and the pain should be able to help me in my endever. I hope that my parents aren't to devastated by this. We had a rough relationship growing up but has been better and I love them very much. I know they were proud of me and I am sorry to disappoint them in the end. To my one son, Please be good. Grow up and strive to be a good man. With your genes get on anti depressants early, avoid alcohol and drugs, they will ruin your life. Addiction and alcoholism is in your genes. To my step children, they are on their way to be great. I hope this doesn't mess any of them up too much. I just want everyone to be happy and I guess all I can do is screw that up. I have always known this and tried and tried to fix things. I am a coward. I have tried to kill my brain cells with various substances to just be oblivious and happy but nothing works. I was happy for a bit. I loved my wife and that is why I will free her. She will get the house and money and everything she deserves. Even though she cheated on me. She is messed up to and this will mess her up further. But she will move on. They all will. I will not have to deal with the pain and hatred anymore. I have tried to be religious but since the pain never went away it is hard to have faith. And since it is planned, I am sure that I will not find bliss in afterlife. I am officially out of options. I have known for a long time that the world would be better without me fucking up their life. If I do chicken out, or live I will repost in a few days. If not this is my finaly fairwell. Kurt Cobain was always my favorite musician. I will end with his quote... "I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away." Randy