Many years later...

I know that no one actually blogs anymore... sometimes i am surprised that this page still exists... and he i sit blogging on my phone instead of computer.  But I've felt the need the need for months. Perhaps is just loneliness... if you have read any of the posts here you would know that i am not a stranger to loneliness... but this year had been probably my hardest....

January 2, 2010. I went on the first date with the one... July 19, 2013 she became my wife... and in typical fashion it got screwed up... ill take most the blame.  We both of course had or faults. But i would day towards the end i was edging her out.

So let's get into 2019, my worst year on record... a friend talked about how i lost my identity and nothing had been further from the truth. January 1st this year, i was active duty navy, i was a paramedic, i was a husband, father, homeowner, along with some bad identities.  But now all that's left is the bad... I'm an alcoholic asshole with suspended license who lives in an apartment with a cat.

So got booted from navy with 0 benefits. Due to a couple back surgeries i couldn't lift patients as a paramedic. Separated from wife, moved into apartment where i decided to get an ovi and lose my license.  I did get a job doing scheduling at a hospital with driving privileges to and from work...

All of my friends are married with babies. My son is 18... my stepkids do still come around but he i am back to square one.  Nothing but regret.  I would say that even with all the downs my wife was my soul mate and my best friend and i would give anything and everything to go back and change this outcome.  Even if i had to butterfly effect this for her to be happy.  I wish it was happy with me but i just want her to be happy period. I try to stay out of her way to happiness even tho i want to beg her everyday...

So I've tried all the dating apps even tho is hard to find someone in my small town let alone someone willing to drive somewhere within walking distance for me to meet them. Most of the times i don't even get a response or a like... it gets depressing.  Im 37 now and living in an apartment... I've tried to Express that i do not wanna live... I'm not suicidal by i am sick and tired of constantly landing here. Things have gotten better out of this place but that was before... I'm not going to get better.  My back isn't gonna fix itself.  Im going to live in this constant pain.  I can live sober but what's the point now? All i ever wonder is when is the suffering going to stop...