Bloodsimple, Otep, and Hellyeah

So last night for devils night CF and I drove up to Detroit to see a concert, I wanted to go see Otep plus it was the day that their new highly anticipated CD was released, even though I found a copy last week. I thought maybe they would sign them or do something cool. I didn't think I would be able to go because I would have been working except they cut my hours so I didn't have to, I asked CF if she wanted to go, she agreed to. We got there around 530 and we thought the doors were supposed to open at 630 but it ended up being later and there was a line so we sat at the bar and had some beers and talked and stuff, we ended up getting a little tipsy and into some good conversations. She said she had to call it off because she thought she was making me unhappy, I had to explain to her that I am just pretty much an unhappy person, I can't help it. I am just blah, it may be about time to watch John Q and see if I can still cry, I almost put in butterfly effect the other day cuz I saw it on tv, but thankfully I wanted Planet Terror since I downloaded it the other day...anyway I digress. I explained that I just don't really feel, I am not happy, I am not sad, I am not depressed, and I don't know why. She kept saying I needed to find something that makes me happy, something for myself. I try I like playing my guitar but only for a little while cuz then I only play the few things I know and then I get frustrated with it. I write sometimes but then I block, the only thing I had been somewhat excited about recently was getting my tat and watching it come around but that was only excitement.

We got into the place, it was trick or freak so people were dressed up, some good costumes, some bad ones. Bloodsimple was the first band, I liked them they rocked. I tried to stay back cuz I didn't want CF to get hurt but she said lets go up front so we got pretty close, there was quite a big pit so I tried to keep her safe. I took a couple pics and security yelled at me and came and asked me why I was taking pics, I just said because and they said I couldn't, bastards. For SIlverstein they just said I couldn't use my flash but whatever so I tried to sneak 2 of Otep that didn't look to come out so good. Otep was fucking awesome! Gawd she is pretty hot too! Crowd definately got rowdier. A couple guys dressed as slipknow came up and started banging around and got in front of us and kept squishing CF so I put a good elbow into the back of ones head, when I did I accidently punched a HUGE dude next to me in the side of the head so I quickly apologized to him, he said no prob he say what I did and said he was about to do the same. They guys in front settled down a bit, I told them between songs I am just trying to keep CF from getting smashed, if they wanna pit, get in the fucking pit! But on Oteps new album they cover Nirvana's Breed, I in most cases don't think any band should cover NIrvana though I believe it was Action Action when I saw them did a good cover and Oteps is great. Unfortunately they didn't sign autographs. we hung back a ways for Hellyeah cuz I know it was gonna get rougher since that was who everyone probably came to see, I like them but I went mainly for Otep and others probably didn't even know who they were. But HEllyeah kicked ass and said they were playing their whole album, we didn't stay for it all since we had a 2-2 1/2 hour drive back but we stayed for probably half the set. They said it was the first night of the tour so if they come near you definatly go check it out, it is a pure rock and fucking roll kick ass tour!

Happy Halloween everyone hope you are having fun, I am doing jack shit and probably just watching Ghosthunters live episode until 3am, hopefully my old ass can stay up for it. Last night my back and knees were killing me, I'm not as young as I used to be going to concerts every week and getting up at 630 the next morning!

Breakups are so cliche

We need to come up with new reasons for breakups. CF just broke up with me via myspace IM, she said she needs her space and time to herself and that kind of stuff. We need to come up with new reasons, not too much a big deal. Kelbel, guess ur advise came too late. I am not really upset because well if u read the rest obviously I was unsure but the thing that pisses me off is how things go down all at once. Lets say that I was madly in love, just for this scenerio. Monday I had a meeting for work, they cut my hours to shreds, I worked yesterday and don't work again until next weekend, not this weekend, the one next month. Because I haven't had time, I stayed up all night writing a paper for my damn Psychology class because I haven't had time between school and work, and today my girlfriend breaks up with me. HB, my uncle died, my great grandpa dies, then she breaks up with me. My exwife well she took everythting I paid for, my son and hooked up with her cousin. I mean COME ON! WHY! Now I know I am fucked up in the head, I have problems, I hate most of the world, but even though I hate most I am still respectful and nice to the world, I just talk a lot of shit. I shouldn't be destined to such bad fucking Karma, it comes in 3s. Seriously. I mean what we may have made it a month, hell, I don't think either of us know. I don't remember if I said in the last post or not but I don't even remember our first kiss cuz I was wasted at the bar....Nerves...lol. Thats how u know its not gonna be good if u don't remember ur first kiss or even when u started dating. I need to go buy me a blow up doll, I don't think I can marry my hand but maybe a blow up doll! Won't talk back, won't care if I don't show her my emotions, won't care if I look at other girls, won't care if I fuck other girls. At least it gives me something to bitch about, and maybe something good to write though I did come up with what I think is a good line while driving to work the other day about hanging my heart from a noose. I'm thinking about trying to tie it in to the next attoo I've been thinking about, of course I need to figure out how to pay my bill, save money for europe, and well buy groceries and all that happy horseshit! Well time to go downstairs and eat my parents food, I really feel like a college student, the ones you see on tv at least. Oh yeah my psych paper had to be on a school shooter and I kinda realized why I was a suspect for one....

Fuck this...

Yeah I have been way to fucking busy, like right now at midnight I should be writing a fucking Biology paper but I don't feel like it, I'll write it tomorrow, Thursday used to be MY day a day with no school but now I still have to work. This shit is starting to get to me a bit, not having any time for myself. Even being busy my mind still wonders to things I shouldn't be thinking about like the past or future. School is the same as always not too bad, I seem to being doing well in my classes except Biology since the teacher is a moron and I have no clue how I am doing. Work has its ups and downs, the guy I work for/take care of had an episode a couple days ago and was banging on shit and threw a hug fit and was threatning me and we all know I don't do well being threatened. I kinda got in his face and he was scared to be confronted cuz the rest of the people are small girls but as soon as I turned and backed off a bit he just got worse and was kicking cabinets and stuff, he never tried to touch me but I still think it made matters slightly worse so now I at least know he shouldn't try to touch me and not to confront him that much, he has been better and more respectful towards me since then though.

CF and I had a little chat online the other day, I think she is also scared by confrontation, I guess I am too if I am not the one initiating it. She asked me what I wanted out of this relationship, I hesitated for quite a while thinking. I don't remember what I said but mainly I just want to be happy, I like hanging out with her and talking to her, that was about it, I thought about saying a friend I could make out with and have sex with, I mean to put it plainly all I did was explain a friend, I left out the sex, then countered with what does she want, and typical woman just says for me to be happy. I told he that it shouldn't be at the expanse of her happiness, then said I needed to go to bed cuz I had to get up early for class. She says I don't open up to her and shit, to be honest I don't really feel emotions lately, I don't think I have time for it. I start thinking about stuff that kinda gets me down and stuff but I redirect myself towards schoolwork or seldomly play my guitar or the ever effective watch TV! To be honest I don't think it will last til New Years. But I feel bad because my son likes hers and stuff and it's gonna end awkward like everything else. But in my thinkings I don't think I am able to express emotions, I feel like I do because I am pretty up front and honest but my honesty doesn't really express well my emotions on my arm. I told her the other night I have a wall in my chest and I am not sure if there is a heart still in there or not. I don't think I am ready for a relationship yet at least not the kind I think she wants. I'll also keep repeating, I don't think any woman will measure up to HB or be able to fill that void. I hope that someday I will feel that way again, that instant connection, the love at first date type thing we had. And thats what bothers me, its not so much her, I am over the fact of what happened but after feeling like that I just wonder if its possible to come around again. Is it that we all have just one soul mate or do we have many? Will I experience it again or will I end up settling? Its always the questions that fuck us over. DO I dive in head first or wlk in slowly, do I stay here and try or move on? What if aliens abduct me tonight and shove huge satelite up my ass? does that make me gay? WHat if I ruled the world? QUestions...Fuck this I need to sleep!

Blurry Bday

So I guess my birthday was memorable. It started out my parents came out, I taught my dad to play beer pong and we won a couple games, then they left and hell broke loose. Ok so not really hell but I started to get fucked up. Only a few of my friends actually came out which kinda sucked but a bunch of hers came and some of them were old friends of mine. We played beer pong most the night. Then of course I had to do some keg stands and then just drink right from the tap. I remember almost getting into a fight with 2 of her friends who were being dicks and kept talking shit. My drunk ass just kept talking luckily I was able to control myself by talking to CF and a buddy, they left and then I don't remember much else. I woke up on the floor CF claims I threw up on her, I have a small recolection of throwing, well heaving, into a bowl. She had to go to work at like 10 the next morning when she left I moved myself to the bathroom where there was no sun and cuz I felt like I was still gonna get sick. I didn't but I did sleep on the floor in there for about 4 hours. Some how I ripped a huge hunk of skin off my thumb, I have no idea how or on what, no one does. CF said there was blood on her toilet from where I probably cut it then went in and lifted the seat to take a leak so we figure it was either in her bedroom or in the bathroom there. All in all it was a good time. I held it all in until like 4 or 5 am I think cuz the pics show me doing kegs stands at 330am, gawd bless timers on my camera and the fact that CF had my camera...lol.

Aside from that I have been busy as hell between school and work, I started working out again this week, I am sore as fuck! CF is getting annoying a bit, I barely have enough free time to do my homework and she wants to come over whenever I am home. Yesterday she called at 730am, while I was sleepin and asked if she could come over, I said I didn't care but I was sleepin til 10, so she came over and slept for a couple hours before I had to leave for school. I'll keep saying it, I don't understand why my heart is still so guarded, she is cool as shit, shes not bad looking, a little chunky but shes been running and stuff, shes always happy. And yet I don't know if I can see myself falling for her. Maybe I am gonna be unable to fall for anyone, maybe I can't put the pieces back together...