Fuck this...

Yeah I have been way to fucking busy, like right now at midnight I should be writing a fucking Biology paper but I don't feel like it, I'll write it tomorrow, Thursday used to be MY day a day with no school but now I still have to work. This shit is starting to get to me a bit, not having any time for myself. Even being busy my mind still wonders to things I shouldn't be thinking about like the past or future. School is the same as always not too bad, I seem to being doing well in my classes except Biology since the teacher is a moron and I have no clue how I am doing. Work has its ups and downs, the guy I work for/take care of had an episode a couple days ago and was banging on shit and threw a hug fit and was threatning me and we all know I don't do well being threatened. I kinda got in his face and he was scared to be confronted cuz the rest of the people are small girls but as soon as I turned and backed off a bit he just got worse and was kicking cabinets and stuff, he never tried to touch me but I still think it made matters slightly worse so now I at least know he shouldn't try to touch me and not to confront him that much, he has been better and more respectful towards me since then though.

CF and I had a little chat online the other day, I think she is also scared by confrontation, I guess I am too if I am not the one initiating it. She asked me what I wanted out of this relationship, I hesitated for quite a while thinking. I don't remember what I said but mainly I just want to be happy, I like hanging out with her and talking to her, that was about it, I thought about saying a friend I could make out with and have sex with, I mean to put it plainly all I did was explain a friend, I left out the sex, then countered with what does she want, and typical woman just says for me to be happy. I told he that it shouldn't be at the expanse of her happiness, then said I needed to go to bed cuz I had to get up early for class. She says I don't open up to her and shit, to be honest I don't really feel emotions lately, I don't think I have time for it. I start thinking about stuff that kinda gets me down and stuff but I redirect myself towards schoolwork or seldomly play my guitar or the ever effective watch TV! To be honest I don't think it will last til New Years. But I feel bad because my son likes hers and stuff and it's gonna end awkward like everything else. But in my thinkings I don't think I am able to express emotions, I feel like I do because I am pretty up front and honest but my honesty doesn't really express well my emotions on my arm. I told her the other night I have a wall in my chest and I am not sure if there is a heart still in there or not. I don't think I am ready for a relationship yet at least not the kind I think she wants. I'll also keep repeating, I don't think any woman will measure up to HB or be able to fill that void. I hope that someday I will feel that way again, that instant connection, the love at first date type thing we had. And thats what bothers me, its not so much her, I am over the fact of what happened but after feeling like that I just wonder if its possible to come around again. Is it that we all have just one soul mate or do we have many? Will I experience it again or will I end up settling? Its always the questions that fuck us over. DO I dive in head first or wlk in slowly, do I stay here and try or move on? What if aliens abduct me tonight and shove huge satelite up my ass? does that make me gay? WHat if I ruled the world? QUestions...Fuck this I need to sleep!