Spring break plans

SO Spring break is coming up pretty fast, I've never actually done anything for spring break ever. But since I am now a college man...lol, whatever I just need a fucking break from everything. MY mind is constantly bugging me and I have to do a million different things, granted most are because I want to but I feel obligated to myself to do them. SO I have been planning on going away for spring break, my plans have changed about 100 times. First I was gonna go to England to see Uncle Tom but thats not happening, maybe for Octoberfest. Then I was thinking about Texas to see Chris but I don'tr even talk to him anymore...ever. So whats the point in trying, he's got a completely different life now and is expecting a baby soon so I'm not doing that. I think I finally decided I am just driving to a beach and either sleeping on it or in my car if it gets cold. I originally thought about Myrtle Beach in SOuth Carolina, I haven't been there since I was like 15 or something, it was really nice but I have just been looking at the average weather and stuff and I can go down to Savannah Georgia like 20 minutes faster and it should be like 10 degrees warmer. Plus I've never been there. It will be a 14 hour drive either way. I'd really like to go back to the Grand Canyon but thats too far and I haven't been to a beach forever! I figured if I didn't go anywhere I'd just be sitting at home watching tv being bored, why not do it on a beach. Just take my guitar, some clothes and a sleeping bag. I wish I could take a friend too but no one seems intersted. I've been real lonely lately(HA, the story of my life). Its weird, it's not that I can't be alone it's just I get too used to being alone that when someone tries to come in I can't accept it or something. One of the many things swirling in my head that I don't feel like starting. But a 14 hour drive should give me ample time to sit and argue with my brain and listen to some music. Then who knows what could happen at the beach? Probably nothing but still. I figured I'd only spend money on gas and food if I didn't get a room it shouldn't be too expensive. I don't remember if I mentioned in the last post or not but I am still debating whether or not to quit drinking, obviously if its up for debate that means there is a problem. But I had been controlling it well until this month so who knows where that will go. To be honest I don't really care anymore, I am pretty much beyond caring about anyone(other than my son) and anything. That in itself has been kinda rough, though I hate a lot of people, I have always cared about my friends, but without friends theres nothing you know.... Whatever. I got the outline done on my new tattoo, I have to wait to get ther color next wednesday, I'll put a pic up when it's done.

uhh explaining of last post...

SO I see that I posted on Vday... I seriously hope that is my last binge, that is twice this month that I have probably been close to dying of alcohol poisoning. My bud did end up coming over and drinking with me, but I I don't remember most the night. I drank a whole bottle of Beam. Its a major setback, I have done really good on not keeping any alcohol in my house to be tempted by, I don't usually go out or drink if I do except earlier this month at my friends party. But SInce then I have felt the urge quite a bit to drink more and again... This just confirms my addiction and it really fucks with my head. I need to not give in to loneliness and shit. That shit with LPN who knows, she ignores me half the time, she doesn't seem my type... we got a lot in common, she is hot but I don't think our personalities mesh, we don't see or talk enough to find out. The chick from my EMT class, I have no clue!! She texts me all the time but we never hang out cuz she lives kinda far away and I still don't know whats up with her boyfriend, she says she is trying to find a new place to live and stuff but whatever, I know nothing is gonna come of it cuz it would just be rebound sex, which I am cool with but whatever... I am just horny.. The chick from Substance abuse, I wish...except she is a good catholic girl, probably only like 19 and yeah I don't think I could forgive myself for corupting a little good girl like that... I just need to castrate myself so I'll stop being horny and walkin around lookin for someone to fuck!! Thats all it seems like. I know in my heart I wanna find someone to actually be with but I don't know... I am fucked in the head and it doesn't matter... All chicks just wanna be my friends and I read too deep into a slight hand graze or whatever and then my mind drives me insane! This is why I drink to avoid thinking, hell thinking about this now is makin me wanna go get some! Here I start over again though. I am trying to decide if I have to stop drinking completely or not, aside from the 2 binges I have done good at honoring my 2 drink max and not driving and stuff like that but I am worried for myself, which is good because normally I wouldn't give a shit because at the moment no one else really does. When I am alone I usually drink until I find a reason to stay sober until things start going south and then there I go again. Ugh, now I am just typing round and round.... which reminds me I need to write a note in case I die so someone can write on here that I died and how I died and so my family can read how my life and mind really was... I thought about that the other day... Cuz I wanna keep this private until I decide if and when to share it with my family but if I died it would just be lost. Well I am off to do my puzzle so I can be pissed at it instead of myself...

V-Day murder

So I have been drinking since 1 or so, doing laundry, drawing up my next attoo and stuff. I talked to LPN cuz my friend liked hwe trying to figure out if she felt the same cuz my friend is a lot like me and I figured he'd be too afraid to say something adn apparently she likes me more than him. I have also been talking to a chick in my EMT class thast boyfriend cheated on her like last week cuz I don't know what she wants, it seems she's been hitting on me a bit, but the way I see I need to hit on as many as I can while I can to figure out who is best for me. There is also a hot ass redhead in my substance abuse class that I have been thinking about asking out.... We'll see what the hell happens by the end of tonight... my bet is I'll end up alone and drunk.... That part is almost positive!!! Fuck it I need another drink. FUck you hallmark!!

Substance Abuse

As I mentioned before I am in a Substance Abuse class as part of my certification requirements(its not court ordered this time) and I just finished writing a paper about an article written in 1997 about the passin for madical pot in Cali and Arizona. My dad and I dicussed legalization quite a few times lately, mainly about steriods in baseball that has been over the news quite a bit and we both agree that you aren't going to stop anyone anyway. Look at every illegal drug, name one and I bet you can go out and find it or know someone who can get it. It is illegal but assesible therefore all we do is overcrowd our prisons with non violent "criminals" and leave no space so rapists and kidnappers and murderers get out well pretty fucking fast. I am a former user of well quite a few illegal substance and have been off them for quite a while as well, I know from my past as well as facts and research that alcohol and tobbacco are worse than most of the illegal drugs. Theres always the joke that potheads are to stoned to get up and do anything but its true, you don't hear about potheads commiting violence, its alcohol. Cigarettes are the most addicting substance on earth, more addicting than crack or heroine, it doesn't provide quite the euphoria but it is more addicting.

Who is the government to say what we can or can't do with our bodys? If people want to destroy their bodies doing steriods so they are bigger for a couple seasons of baseball and die faster fucking let them! Am I going to be arrested if I walk up in front of the police station with a knife(whatever the legal size to carry is) and start carving my skin? They may call the looney bin but seriously do they arrest people for tattos or piercings? They are doing the same damn thing, they are messing with their body. What makes these substances worse? I need to look up but is it illegal if I stand there in front of the police station and huff a can of whip cream or computer duster? I just looked it up several sites say in some states but the only one I found for sure is Wisconsin. SO how is it legal for me to walk around and eat cool whip but if I put it to my mouth without shaking it and form a seal and suck just the air out and hold the nitrous oxide in make me doing something illegal? That just pissed me off even worse!!

What I think it mainly comes down to is let the retards kill themselves. If legal then we eliminate drug kingpins and violence and we can tax it and the govt can be happy asses. And I am not just talking about pot, let people do what the fuck they want with their bodies legally because they are going to do it reguardless and it may actually keep kinds from "rebelling" and doing the drugs behind parents backs. Now I am not saying go get fucked up and drive, the DUI thing should still stand which I have violated numerous times but have since stopped, I just crash if I have more than a couple. I am getting more responsible! But seriously What the fuck do you think? I think I provide a pretty good fucking argument and I think all should agree. The opposition will only complain that it shouldn't be available or accepted but it already is!! So that point is

My 600th POST!!

And where to begin it??This month is fucking shit!!! I think it may try to compete with last April! Lets start at the begining... I think I may have mentioned last post that my school fucked up and I didn't get my money for my GI bill for school. So I am broke as hell and can't pay my car payment and have been putting everything on my credit card. The only plus note is I am gettin like 5,000 back from taxes. Ok the second. My friends diaper party. I got trashed!!! Definately drank too much, we ended up going out. I tried talking to chicks when I probably shouldn't have. I got some chicks number and then saw her at a different place and texted her, she called me a dork(I don't know if she was playing around or not) I texted her back to fuck off. We ended up jumping in some girls car, I had a chick on my lap and apparently started making noises like I was gonna barf(I didn't) so that went nowhere, then when we got to his house I puked and passed out outside in the snow. I woke up on the couch and lost my hat, coat, and phone.... I got everything back except my skull cap... anyone who knows me knows how I feel about my hats, I had that one for about 3 years. Third, Patriots lost. 4th, I almost wrecked coming home from work because it was so fucking foggy you couldn't see the road. 5 th was ok at first, I went to a movie with a chick in my EMT class(but she kinda may have a boyfriend, he cheated on her Saturday and since then has been talking to me but they live together), then CF called and wanted to hang out so I met up with her, she was drunk and asking me dumb questions about why we weren't together, I couldn't let her drive home so I brought her home and let her pass out here. Today, I had to get up at 6am to take her to her car after not being able to sleep too good, then came home and couldn't really get back to sleep. When I woke up and tried to get a drink of milk, I found out my fridge/freezer died and all the goceries I bought the other day on my credit card is spoiled!! I got to do my clinicals in the ER, they were busy as hell and pissed when I got there so I didn't get to do anything, then when they calmed down no one else came in. And now here I sit bitching about everything!!!!!!!!

Now after the tradgedy this morning I am convinced that Karma backfires on me. In DC I give bums money, I get fucked over all the time and flat tires and shit. Here I don't let a friends drive home drunk, I kept her hands off me cuz she has a boyfriend now and get up early to take her to her car and my fridge spoils everything I just bought. I mean come the fuck on! I have been horny as hell and could have gotten laid last night but no, I have fucking morals!! And Valentines day is next week. A have been seriously thinking sbout getting a bottle of Beam and drowning in it! Didn't I say that last post? What the fucks next, am I gonna lose a finger or toe? Why does this shit always happen to me? Oh yeah and the pepper spray worked for like 3 days and now my face is breaking out again. It did work fairly well on my back, I figured I might as well share my findings before you go spraying it onyour face and back... Like anyone else is as stupid as I am...but you know what I get bored and tired of everyone else making my life hell, why not just do it to myself...