uhh explaining of last post...

SO I see that I posted on Vday... I seriously hope that is my last binge, that is twice this month that I have probably been close to dying of alcohol poisoning. My bud did end up coming over and drinking with me, but I I don't remember most the night. I drank a whole bottle of Beam. Its a major setback, I have done really good on not keeping any alcohol in my house to be tempted by, I don't usually go out or drink if I do except earlier this month at my friends party. But SInce then I have felt the urge quite a bit to drink more and again... This just confirms my addiction and it really fucks with my head. I need to not give in to loneliness and shit. That shit with LPN who knows, she ignores me half the time, she doesn't seem my type... we got a lot in common, she is hot but I don't think our personalities mesh, we don't see or talk enough to find out. The chick from my EMT class, I have no clue!! She texts me all the time but we never hang out cuz she lives kinda far away and I still don't know whats up with her boyfriend, she says she is trying to find a new place to live and stuff but whatever, I know nothing is gonna come of it cuz it would just be rebound sex, which I am cool with but whatever... I am just horny.. The chick from Substance abuse, I wish...except she is a good catholic girl, probably only like 19 and yeah I don't think I could forgive myself for corupting a little good girl like that... I just need to castrate myself so I'll stop being horny and walkin around lookin for someone to fuck!! Thats all it seems like. I know in my heart I wanna find someone to actually be with but I don't know... I am fucked in the head and it doesn't matter... All chicks just wanna be my friends and I read too deep into a slight hand graze or whatever and then my mind drives me insane! This is why I drink to avoid thinking, hell thinking about this now is makin me wanna go get some! Here I start over again though. I am trying to decide if I have to stop drinking completely or not, aside from the 2 binges I have done good at honoring my 2 drink max and not driving and stuff like that but I am worried for myself, which is good because normally I wouldn't give a shit because at the moment no one else really does. When I am alone I usually drink until I find a reason to stay sober until things start going south and then there I go again. Ugh, now I am just typing round and round.... which reminds me I need to write a note in case I die so someone can write on here that I died and how I died and so my family can read how my life and mind really was... I thought about that the other day... Cuz I wanna keep this private until I decide if and when to share it with my family but if I died it would just be lost. Well I am off to do my puzzle so I can be pissed at it instead of myself...