Another Update

SO as usual, things in my life change from day to day. On Friday my wife was screaming at me and told me that she hated me and wanted a divorce. After which I went for a drive and sat and thought about everything and was trying to come to grips with everything. 2 Hours later she called and wanted me to come over again. I wasn't to sure what to expect. When I walked in she hugged me and apologized and said that she wants to be with me. We talked and decided to let go of the bad things we did to each other in the past. I moved my stuff back from my parents house and things have been pretty good since. We are still dealing with some things from the court incident. One of the things that the court wanted me to do was a batterers intervention class. This class is 40 weeks long and would cost me $213 a week. There is no way I would be able to afford this, it is more than my house payment. SO I went to the court and told the judge that and he said I could go back to jail, I said that I would still lose my house because I would lose my jobs. So he decided that I could do house arrest, so I could still go to work. This is still going to cost about $175 a week but will only be for 4 weeks. So hopefully things will be over with this whole mess I made in another month, It has been a long and expensive lesson. But I am over 75 days sober and things have been going better. Hopefully will try to start the Love Dare again, as long as it doesn't involve leaving the house.

My Marriage

SO below you see that I was trying the Love Dare but that was cut short due to circumstances. SO I have been attempting to try to give my wife space while working on myself. I am over 70 days sober and am doing good with it. AA is helping quite a bit. I like it. It has helped me get closer with God and myself. My medications have helped me not be as depressed. I am fairly comfortable with myself. I have learned to let go of some of my sins, not quite all of them yet. I have not been very happy staying with my parents. Talks with my wife have not been going very good. She says she is afraid that I will kill her and the kids even though I never tried to hurt any of them. I only wanted to hurt myself. It seems to me she isn't trying to work on US and she hasn't been going to her therapist to try to work on herself. Yet she tells me that I am not trying... This aggravates me a lot. Especially since I feel that I am the only one trying! So I suggested since she thinks that it is going to take a long time that she gets her own place. She will have all the time she needs and will not have to deal with me in regards to bills, house things, and I get to keep myself busy on working on our home. After suggesting this she became very upset with me, as if I was ending it. I don't understand why. I am giving her what she wants and I am getting things that I also need. I need to keep myself busy to keep my mind from dwelling in the dark spaces of my mind. I am not sure what she needs or wants other than time away from me and to not be "controlled or manipulated" by me. I still don't understand why she thinks that when I tell her my feelings that it is a ploy to manipulate her. I just want to be able to share with her. She has been my best friend, the only person I ever want to talk to. But every time I talk to her it goes way wrong. I truly don't know what else to do. I hope that this is not the end. I want more than anything to make my marriage work. I am scared. One other thing that I feel I need, although I know its just a want, is affection, to feel loved. I know that I have friends and family that love me. But she is my soul mate. I actually feel as if I am missing half of me being away from her. She claims that I am always depressed around her, but it is only because I see what I am missing. I see the life I had and lost. I see everything falling apart day by day. All I want with all of my heart is for her and the kids to be happy. I understand that may include me not being there. I have come to terms with that. I hope that is not the case. I know that I can be happy by myself, but I know that I would feel more fulfilled with my family there. With this just as with my sobriety, I just take everything one day at a time...