Calmed down...

So yeah I was pretty upset yesterday, but I was able to keep myself under control. Its been storming off and on and it stopped so I went for a walk. I ended up on the train bridge over the river. I took some cool pictures and stuff (if your my friend on myspace you can see them) and contemplated jumping, not to die of course but its hot and sweaty and sticky muggy, I thought it might be fun and refreshing. But I thought I heard that recently someone jumped off one and didn't come back up and ended up missing so I figured maybe I'll wait til I have a life jacket or something. Then I walked to the library which used to be a fort back in Indian days, it has 2 old cannons, one of them points at the baseball field across the river. I find it amuzing. But I just walked around town listening to my music and chilling out. I did end up meeting some buds for a couple drinks but only had 2 and didn't stay too late since I had a meeting this morning for work. Today I went for a walk again, I found that there is nothing on TV at 6pm, and that its been done raining around 5-530, so it makes for a good time killer until Jeopardy at 730, sure I miss the Simpsons at 7 but I've seen them all. I know I shouldn't plan my life around the TV scedule but it works well. Today I went to the cemetary, I went to visit my uncle that dies last year and started all the bad things that happened the following 2 months. I took my camera and took pics of the woods and river that ran behind the cemetary and the flags on the military section of graves. I wish I had a good camera! But I make due with what I've got, I've been taking mostly black and white pics, I enjoy them alot. It reminds me of when I was big into photography, I still have my enlarger(to make prints from film) in my old room downstairs at my parents. There is nothing on tv, so I figured I'd blog then maybe read some more Poe and then play my guitar. I know me and my wild Friday nights!! Maybe I'll go rollerblade if it cools down... who knows...

Fuckin DUI

So saturday I got a call from an EMT place here in town, they asked me to come in for an interview. I did, everything went great. You get paid to sit on your ass most the time, and the runs they make are usually not to big of emergencies and it just sounded like a great job. They took all my information and said they had to run it, I told them about my DUI about 3 years ago. They guy didn't know if it would be a problem or not. Well he called back today and said that the corporate said they couldn't hire me. Fucking bullshit!! It was 3 fucking years ago, I did my time, paid my ass of, went to classes and had my shit suspended and had my insurance go up as well as being the jackass of my duty station. And still after all the fucking changes in my life, they don't give a shit, its a fucking mark on my record! I don't know what to fucking do. I am pissed, I am upset! My son was going to go back to his moms tonight since I have a meeting in the morning. I want to go get a bottle, I wanna go fucking tear something up. This was my chance and what now? I have been pissed that I did this work to become an EMT and then couldn't find a job and now that they are hiring they can't hire me!! Fucking bullshit!! I am literally fucking pulling my hair out right now! This was my break to get a good job with steady hours, so I could get a fucking house and fucking start to settle into a real life. But no!! I know I can't drink today, obviously but that is the first thing I thought of. FUCK I need to find something to do...

Omne Ignotum Pro Magnifico

Iwanted to start with some old school lyrics. I popped in my old ICP Cd the other day and heard this song that is quite touching and signifigant from such a goofy band... And it starts out the way I feel alot of the time....

"Nothing's Left" By Insane Clown Posse

Man.... I love you guys
Man shut the fuck up man. Why you always gotta ruin the moment?
Man fuck you.
AINT NUTTIN HERE LEFT FOR ME SO I'M OUT THIS BITCH
FUCK STAYIN' HERE. I'M BUSTING THE FUCK OUT NOW
WE OUT THIS MUTHA FUCKA RIGHT NOW

There's no story that ain't been told
There's no gimmick that ain't been sold
There's no ocean that never been swam
There's no jobber that ain't been slammed
There's no road that ain't been traveled
There's no doctor that ain't been baffled
Ain't no thug that never cried
Ain't no preacher that never lied
There's no rumor that ain't been passed
Ain't no question that no one's asked
There's no tree that won't get chopped
There's no bomb that wont get dropped
Ain't no path that no one's laid
Ain't no beast that ain't been afraid
There's no feat that no one can
There's no saga that never began

Ain't no snow that didn't melt
There's no punch that ain't been felt
There's no skill that no one's learned
There's no planet that He ain't turned
There's no view that never dissolved
There's no problem that ain't been solved
There's no tale that no one's told
There's no beauty that won't get old
There's no garden the sun ain't beamed on
There's no shoulder that ain't been leaned on
There's no color that ain't been seen
Purple Red Yellow Blue Forest Green
There's no desert that ain't seen rain
Nobody here that ain't felt pain
There's no bigot that ain't been clowned
There's no treasure that I ain't found
Ain't no cave they never explored
Ain't no mother that ain't been ignored
There's no leader that ain't been lead
There's no blood that ain't been shed
There's no dish they never made
Ain't no brick they never laid
Everything left's been done before
Nothings new, nowhere to explore

On the day when the wagon's come I just pray that you let me on
Wont you let me on, Wont you let me on, Wont you let me on.....


SO I've been thinking a lot about the straight edge shit and I know I could never do it. But I am serious about stopping the excessivness of my life. When it comes to alcohol, why do I drink... I drink to excape, to get away, at times to relax, at times to have fun, and I can usually find any reason. Does drinking make me feel? No I can feel everything without it. I can remember everything without it. I can still act like an ass or myself without it. Then why is it that I drink and at times in excess. There is honestly no good reason that I can find. Does a beer taste good with a steak, yes... That is about the only times that one genuinely just feels good. After a hard day, yeah kinda but that goes back to the relaxing thing that could be accomplished by.... realxing. Plus when the people around me drunk and acting up, I can be the voice of reason instead of the dumbass causing the problems. Will it be easy, I doubt it. I've thought about drawing the Xs on my hands before I go out sometimes just to remind me. I may need some of my friends help, will they I'm sure... will they occasionally try to get me to drink... more than likely. But you know I am tired of being that guy. The guy that at times just goes a little overboard. Luckily I haven't really done anything too bad or gotten into trouble but it is just getting tiring. I can enjoy shit with a soda, I can have some juice or an energy drink. I don't need to be excessive in anything. Lets see how long this lasts... I am seriously and been thinking about it with a clear head. This is not for regret or to right a wrong. This is just me needing to better myself and fix one more of my many flaws. Theres no mountain that ain't been climbed.... In other news I don't remember if I mentioned readin the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe, but that is making me feel dumb. I have been having to read the paragraphs over and over again and its just crazy. I bought the book a while back and just read some of my favs out of it but now am reading the wqhole thing and its pretty hard, but I need to sharpen my mind anyway... My ex wants our son for the weekend and I am off so this weekend is gonna be the perfect time for me to test my will power, if I can find people to hang out and get out. Keep yall updated.... and the title is "Everything unknown is taken for magnificent." the unkown can be scary or crappy but it can also be magnificent...

Home...?

So lets start with Friday nights fuck ups. SO went and hung out with some friends ended up getting trashed in a different town. Don't remember all the details, my buddy almost got into a fight with someone, I ended up keeping him out of it. The apparently someone kept talking shit to me, but I just blew him off calling him a dumbass, then we ended up walking around town and deciding to go to church. We walked to the tall thing we saw in the sky and assumed was a church, it ended up being city hall, thankfully it was locked up tight... we tried every door, pounding on them... I passed out on a strangers couch, luckily friends were there too. I made myself puke a couple times to try to feel better but didn't work. I was supposed to go see SAliva agin but didn't happen. I took a nap and caffine pills, made me feel better in time for work.

I keep thinking about it and wondering why I end up doing stupid shit and drinking in excess. Obviously its plagued me on here plenty times before. I recently even thought about going straight edge since I have quit smoking but we all know that I will not give up alcohol completely, especially since I am planning on going to Oktoberfest. But I do need to learn self control. Most of the time the first step to recovery is hitting rock bottom, I never have. I have fucked up quite a bit but I have never really lost it all. This could be, plus the times since I have been back to Ohio are usually when I have nothing to do or anything to come home to. Like when I don't have my son. I have had my time to party and shit before I came back, I don't understand why its not out of my system.

While I was thinking about this on my way home from work tonight, I was listening to Foo Fighters newest album and the last song "Home" came on. It got me thinking that I don't remember the last time I felt home anywhere. Honestly I can't. Obviously I live somewhere, I haven't ever actually been homeless but while I was a teen, I couldn't wait to move out and be "free". The house I lived in was not my home even though I lived there for 17 years, it was more like a prison for me. Then I bounced places with my soon to be ex-wife, a couple apartments, living with her aunt a couple times. Then there were different places and obviously never making myself to much at home, always planning on moving.And even here now, I am hoping to someday get a better job and get a house. Could this have something to do with my excess.... probably not its probably a mix of many things, but it could be. Its probably just a scapegoat that I could use. But just thoughts... Its something I need to be more conscious about and not give in to the temptation, maybe only take a couple bucks with me or something. Friday started out ok but then there were shots and more drinks and then we somehow had a bottle and was drinking out of it, that Disarono... shit is good!! Anyway.... Lets see if I can actually change or what...

It all falls apart

Fuck I think of things I wanna blog about and then once I get to my computer I forget. I guess all the drugs I did in High school did do something to my memory. My life is really starting to get on my fucking nerves. During the days when I have my son it isn't too bad, we go to the park we play games and have fun and I forget my misery for most the day. But once he is in bed I sit in front of the TV and think about how lonely I am, how I only have 3 friends that I still don't confide in... how I miss my old friends! I just want to run away!! This fucking town sucks!!! There is nothing to do, the people are fucking stupid, and there are no jobs, no way to fucking move up! This is not a place to live, its a fucking death trap! I escaped once only to get drug back to it. The sacrifices we make for our children. I actually have no fucking idea how I am still managing to function. I have the emmence fucking desire to just go fucking get messed up on every drug I can find and wander the earth in a stupor. I guess its all for my son, our relationship is finally going good and he have been having fun and everything, now if only I could keep him doing good in school next year. What the fuck is with all these storms going across the country? We were at a cook out last weekend and just out of nowhere the winds picked up and dark clouds rolled in. We finished eating and put everything away and then it got calm as hell and then sirens started going off and by time we ran into the garage a wall of fucking rain and wind hit us...hard. It was crazy! I need to get away but don't really have the money for it. Hell I don't really have money for food, I realized the other day, I made some spanish rice that it is the third thing I have cooked on the stove in the year I have lived here. I cook pizza, eggs, and that rice. Everything else I can make in the microwave. I miss cooking, I miss having a bigger place, I miss having fucking money, I miss my old life!! I hate bitching about this over and over again, but its all that really goes through my head. How much I hate this shit, I try to make it better, make due with what I have, try to be happy but it all falls apart.

school....?

I haven't been thinking about blogging much lately, obviously the last couple post are all the same. So has all my days, bitch, moan, don't do much, and repeat. I've been poppin caffine pills, thats helped on curving my appetite so I'm not eating all the time. They aren't as fun as when I was a teenager and poppin them though.... I've been drinking those rockstar energy drinks since I am a rockstar and cause they taste good and give ya a good fucking kick in the heart, but they are not on sale anymore so I ended up buying a bottle of caffine pills to replace them. Cheaper and last a lot longer. But they just aren't the same, oh well. I've been thinking more about goin on for my RN instead of going on for an intermediate EMT since well I apparently can't get a job as one. But I figure with my luck I'll end up becoming an RN and the national health care thing will fuck that up for me.... Story of my fucking life waste my time money and everything to get something I want only to have my hopes fucking shattered. Love life, professional life, personal, everything sucks ass!!! Obviously my self-loathing is still nice and healthy, the one thing I can count on. I did get a haircut last week, I ended up bleaching it and spiking it up. I think it looks pretty good. But who knows, my opinion doesn't matter... ANyway back to school.... I was happier in school, it got me out, gave me something to do, I enjoy using my mind and I haven't used it since. So it has all that going for it. I'm prob gonna call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment for wednesday before I go to work to see how much I'd have to do after all my military shit. Hopefully it won't be too much. My plan was to be an EMT while I was in school though so I would be able to apply everything instead of only using books. I am better in hands on shit, oh well.

I have decided that even if Uncle Tom can't get together I am going to Oktoberfest this year. It will be my birthday present to myself. I hope that Tom gets some time off and I can visit with him and they can come with my but if not I'm still going.