Home...?

So lets start with Friday nights fuck ups. SO went and hung out with some friends ended up getting trashed in a different town. Don't remember all the details, my buddy almost got into a fight with someone, I ended up keeping him out of it. The apparently someone kept talking shit to me, but I just blew him off calling him a dumbass, then we ended up walking around town and deciding to go to church. We walked to the tall thing we saw in the sky and assumed was a church, it ended up being city hall, thankfully it was locked up tight... we tried every door, pounding on them... I passed out on a strangers couch, luckily friends were there too. I made myself puke a couple times to try to feel better but didn't work. I was supposed to go see SAliva agin but didn't happen. I took a nap and caffine pills, made me feel better in time for work.

I keep thinking about it and wondering why I end up doing stupid shit and drinking in excess. Obviously its plagued me on here plenty times before. I recently even thought about going straight edge since I have quit smoking but we all know that I will not give up alcohol completely, especially since I am planning on going to Oktoberfest. But I do need to learn self control. Most of the time the first step to recovery is hitting rock bottom, I never have. I have fucked up quite a bit but I have never really lost it all. This could be, plus the times since I have been back to Ohio are usually when I have nothing to do or anything to come home to. Like when I don't have my son. I have had my time to party and shit before I came back, I don't understand why its not out of my system.

While I was thinking about this on my way home from work tonight, I was listening to Foo Fighters newest album and the last song "Home" came on. It got me thinking that I don't remember the last time I felt home anywhere. Honestly I can't. Obviously I live somewhere, I haven't ever actually been homeless but while I was a teen, I couldn't wait to move out and be "free". The house I lived in was not my home even though I lived there for 17 years, it was more like a prison for me. Then I bounced places with my soon to be ex-wife, a couple apartments, living with her aunt a couple times. Then there were different places and obviously never making myself to much at home, always planning on moving.And even here now, I am hoping to someday get a better job and get a house. Could this have something to do with my excess.... probably not its probably a mix of many things, but it could be. Its probably just a scapegoat that I could use. But just thoughts... Its something I need to be more conscious about and not give in to the temptation, maybe only take a couple bucks with me or something. Friday started out ok but then there were shots and more drinks and then we somehow had a bottle and was drinking out of it, that Disarono... shit is good!! Anyway.... Lets see if I can actually change or what...