Still Alive...

Thank you, the few who had some nice things to say in my last posts. I did go home and did what I was going to do. I started drinking at 630am. I waited for the kids to leave for school and took my pills. I passed out until the wife came home from lunch around 11. She woke me up. I kept drinking and drinking. My cousin came and picked me up, we hung out for a bit. Then came home and back to drinking. I don't remember too much of the afternoon til night. When I start to remember was late evening. The wife and I were in the garage fighting. A glass was thrown on the floor, probably by me but I keep thinking she may have. I threw over my bar. I stepped in glass and cut up my feet. She said something and I decided to call the cops. Cops came, she told them I was suicidal. The took me to the ER, I told the ER I was just there for glass in my foot. Wife was there. They released me, wife left me there. I walked/ran home with cuts on bottom of my feet, made it about 4 miles before cops picked me up for public intoxication. They took me to station. I called my parents, the got me and went to my house to get my car and some clothes. I yell a little more. I get to my parents, cops show up for domestic violence by menacing. Even though I never threatened to hurt her. I called her names and said I wanted her out of my house, but never said I would hurt anyone other than myself. So I was arrested Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I went to the big area jail. I was mumbling about suicide. I was put in this...

I was naked under this, in jail. I didn't eat, just stayed in my cell until Friday when I had video court. The judge said I could be released until court pending a psych eval to be sure I wasn't going to harm myself or others... I wasn't. I just wanted out, I was missing work, I missed my wife and family. Well the psych wasn't there on Friday, and it was a holiday weekend. So I wore this for 6 days, naked, barefoot with cuts on the bottoms of my feet, unable to shower, unable to brush my teeth.... I came out of my cell into the "dayroom" everyone else was in jumpsuits with sweatshirts cuz I was cold... I was in a smock, freezing, starving. Inmates were ok, no one gave me too much crap other than what I was wearing. I forced myself to try to eat the gruel that they called food. It was disgusting. I could only eat a few bites of every meal before almost throwing it up.
Tuesday finally came. I saw the psych, told him the story. They took me off suicide watch. I was finally able to shower and brush my teeth. Then at 11am they finally released me. I had to turn in my gun to the police station and have a no contact order from my wife. Cops took me to my house to get some things. My wife was there, she said she was sorry and that she didn't make this protection order. I was afraid to talk to her. I can NOT go back to jail. I can NOT lose my jobs. Now I am at my parents, trying to put the pieces back together. It is hard. But as always I will adapt and overcome. more to follow later...