Rememberance

SO tomorrow marks a year since my uncle died and the begining of the worst month of my life. I thought about looking back and reading but to be honest I am afraid to. I went to his grave today for a while. I miss him, he could have had such a better life if he wouldn't have kept doing fucking drugs. And What did I do to mourn his death, I solate myself and drink more, when I was already drinking quite a bit. Only to be hit again by my great grandpa dying. I remember the funerals, I remember the long drives back and forth from MAryland to Ohio. I remember leaving directly from my uncles funeral and having to drive to be back and at work the next day and having the guy chasing me and being a dick, I remember the rage inside of me and planning the way I would beat the person to death, visualizing his blood on my hands. I remember the tears streaming down my face. I remember them playing taps at my grandpas funeral. I remember the sloppy way of the old men folding the flag. I wanted to knock them out of the way and fold it right, but remembering they were old and couldn't move as sharp as they once could. I remember being upset that they handed it to my uncle. I wonder if this April is going to be as bad.

Of course nothing is really new for me. I got my hair cut today. I don't look like a bum as much. I've been playing with my loop pedal and my guitar, I tried to put some on the snapvine on the side but it doesn't sound too good from the amp to the phone, it sounded good though. I liked it. I keep trying but I am not talented enough to sing and play. I have been writing quite a few songs lately but I can't sing em, I can't make up a melody for some reason. I guess I just don't have the talent. Not that its gonna stop me though. Who knows maybe I'll find people to help me put it all together. I could be like Nikki Sixx and write and play and have someone else sing, I can scream back up or something. I can at least dream. Speaking or dreams, I have ben having crazy ones about my exwifes family trying to get me and shit. I haven't seen or talked to them. And there was one where I was leaving a military base and was attacked by a panther that was trying to eat me. He was knawing on my legs.