Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Tryin to keep the clouds away...

SO I mentioned just a post or 2 about being glad to be keeping out of depression... Well it seems to keep getting closer and closer, like a storm on the horizon, I see the darkness and just keep hoping that maybe it'll end up just being clouds and the storm will pass without unleashing its fury on me. I think its just because the weather is getting cooler again and just kinda crappy and that leaves me stuck in the house, I am upset about spending money and working hard to be an EMT and can't get a job as one, I am begining to hate my job or at least the people I work with. I hate sitting here at home, my few friends are always at work, I seem to sleep til exactly 1130, that is when I roll over and look at the clock, I hate that when I play my guitar I always end up doing the same rhythm, I hate that I am not working out as much because I am not going to the gym, I hate that there is never anything good on TV, except for House and now that's over for the season. I hate that all of these things leaves me with my thoughts and they keep questioning me as too why I am alone, why I don't do something or make new friends. I hate that I get all these feelings but when I sit to write either here or in my notebook all that comes out is "I am Lonely". And the thing is I don't feel this way all the time. Most the times I am pretty happy I get up, see whats on, try to work out a bit, hit my punching bag, eat shower, check tv and computer, read a bit, play my guitar a bit... This is the begining to almost everyday and it quickly becomes monotonous, just like everything in my life. I think about going out, but then I spend money that I don't have and then I end up sitting by myself usually and feeling worse then if I just sat here.

I just need to become a rockstar and get my son and hit the road for the summer. Fuck Ohio, fuck the monotony, fuck boredom!!