New Girl....yeah right...

So back when I was with CF, we went out with some of my friends barhopping and I met a couple of their friends who were HOT! One had a boyfriend who she was on the phone with all night but the other was hotter anyway. Then like 2 weekends ago when the last UFC payperview was I invited my friends to meet up at the sports bar to watch it and she ended up coming... shes the type of beauty that was wearing scrub bottoms a huge sweatshirt, glasses and had her hair half pulled up and still looked amazing! So I gave her some shit because I tried to add her on myspace and she denied me and I sent her a message inviting her to my Bday party that we talked about the first time and stuff. But we were talking and she does the home health care thing that I am doing. Of course I was distracted by watching UFC and trying to kill each other so the conversation was kinda limited. Well amist the myspace bullitens she put out one where I could fill out what I thought about her and stuff, so I did and she did it back on me and it said how her first impression was I was nice, cool, and she wanted to get to know me better and stuff and there was a question about if shed date me and she put maybe if she got to know me more. So we started texting last night and she is an LPN working towards her RN, she was asking me about the EMT thing and I mentioned about how I have been thinking about trying to get on a chopper and work on lifeflight and stuff and she asks if I am fucking kidding. I said no why she said she wanted to do the same. So we started messing with each other about that and she said I can be her sidekick and stuff since there is an RN and medic on the flights. It was just kinda crazy how we were clicking, and I know I am getting way too into thinking about it, cause thats what I always do! Look back at the what 3 years I've posted on this blog and each month there is the same fucking thing. But I thought I'd put it down on here to remember anyway, in the slightest chance that something does happen, yesterday was the convo that started it... Hey I can dream can't I...

In other news, not a whole lot going on. This semester of school is almost over, christmas is almost here, I am broke as shit. Work says I will get more hours towards the end of next month. My son had in school suspension yesterday for not listening, so me and his mother had a huge long talk with him about that. Now I told him I have to drive all the way out to hius school every week to talk to his teacher and find out how he's doing because he is lying about it and just saying he got yelled at for talking and not how much trouble he actually got in! Well I better get to typing my Biology report, I may bitch about the class tomorrow...fucking retards, the funny part is my lab partners are 2 high school guys who are pretty cool and very smart and not nearly as ignorant as the rest of the class! Any way I'm out fo now. Later!!

Ignorance is Bliss

Now that I have given thanks I can go back to bitching! I'm just kinda in one of those moods today, maybe because I am dealing with shit and arguing with myself in my head, I wanna go get something to get drunk but I won't, I wanna go to a concert Friday but I am broke, I need food and gas but I am broke. Here is what I was thinking about on my way back from dropping the kid off so I wouldn't stop at the liquor store. I and many have said ignorance is bliss, thouse who thinking otherwise are fucking idiots. You may be an optomist who will tell me about how good your life is or hell how lucky I am about something I may not see... You can have the perfect fucking life, but you are still ignorant. Look at the problems in the world, we have people with millions and billions of dollars but yet people with none and living on the street and eating out of the garbage. I would like to believe these millionaire think about those people but I am sure they don't. And that is fucking retarded. We have little girls going into or being forced into prostitution to make money because they know they can make money fast that way. I am being completely honest, I would do it in a heartbeat if I thought people would pay me for it and if it wasn't illegal. Hell I have put serious thought in trying to be a stripper but I couldn't find one around here for guys. This economy is based on the almighty dollar and people will do anything and disreguard anyone for it especially themselves. It makes me sick when I think about it as I'm sure it does most other people, that is why we ignore it!

Second thoughts, my heart or lack there of. As I stated before around April/May I lost 3 people that were close to me, 2 by death and the other by my own doing. Around that time I also fucked up my toe and have dealt with a black and blue toenail that is close to coming off. I think I am going to miss it. Its crazy to look how I and everything else has changed in 6 months. I completely shaved my head around that time as well, now I look like a guy that was in Dazed and Confused. I had lots of money back then, nothing to worry about, I said I was broke if I had less than 500 in my checking account and always had a savings to back it up. But it has all changed, in that time I went through and emotional trainwreck. I didn't know what to do what to say or how to feel and after crying, throwing fits, wishing myself dead, and drowning myself in alcohol I entered and emotional coma. I am sleeping RC(far from beauty). I've tried to meet women, it was fun while it lasted but I am incapable of opening up, I keep telling myself it is too soon. I didn't have feelings for anyoen for a year and a half after my wife and she fucked me over real good and I didn't like her much to begin with. But then I look at my friends who have all carried a piece of my heart with them, now scattered all over the world. Most of them probably keep it shoved in the back of a closet and forgot all about it. Thanks to myspace I can get a message from a few once in a while to let me know they are still alive but thats it. I don't call any of them because I don't have much to say. Hows your life? Mine is ok I guess, I am poor, going to school, working, I've put on 10 lbs of muscle the past month or so, I cut back on drinking, quit smoking and thats it. Life story of the past year in 2 minutes. Its easier to put it on myspace. I tried to IM Chris a few times lately to see how he's been, he usually just ignores me and never answers back. I have become just a memory to most. There are a couple back here well one old friend who has tried to get me into the group though with sceduling conflicts its hard to keep in and then they forget to invite me sometimes since they just aren't used to it or they know I am working or have my kid or I was invited last night I knew my parents would watch him but I can't afford to go out. And it sucks! Life seems that it will always suck! I wasn't happy sitting on my ass not doing anything, I was somewhat content being to busy cause at least the bills were getting paid and now I am just busy enough to not be able to do things with friends but not working enough to make any money. So I am fucked just like always so this is what I do at times like these, I want to go get drunk and either get in trouble, get in a fight, or fuck someone. Nice easy goals that I know I can accomplish at least one if not all, all at once. But I fight it, I have become a fighter lately fighting for myself when before I was always the last one I gave reguard for. I have to fight my urges to be stupid just because things aren't going my way. I have to ignore all the bad shit that I go through, I have to ignore my problems. You may say ignoring them won't make them go away, but they are things that can't be dealt with. I have been keeping my eyes open for new jobs that could get rid of one problem but the rest is all unsolvable. My life is unsolvable, the best thing to do is ignore. I have noticed I am happiest when I am working out because I am listening to music that I love and I am working towards a goal I have had since I was little. I will admit, I am starting to look good, well my face still needs work but my body is on its way to being awesome! And my body works out its frustrations as I drown myself in music and igore the rest of the world. Its just me, music, and whatever I am doing in that moment. Nothing else matters and as I smirk into the mirror I know Ignorance is Bliss!!

Thanksgiving...and Madina Lake and Mayday Parade

Lets start off with Thanksgiving... I am thankful I have a healthy son and my family is doing pretty good, I am in good health physically and getting along ok mentally. I wouldn't be without my family, my parents are great and I love them. They keep trying to help me even though I try not to let them. I am poor as shit since they cut my hours at work, my pay check was only enough to pay my car insurance, I have lots of other bills, they keep trying to give me money even though they don't have much, they are worried about buying christmas presents for me and my son, I severly doubt I am going to be able to afford gas to and from school next week let alone presents. I am going to have to start using my credit cards again and probably get myself in trouble. Hopefully I might get some income tax back next year, maybe I can catch up a bit on it then, we'll see...there I go on the negatives instead of the good again....

So The concert was great!! It was my first time at headliners in Toledo, its a lot closer and reminded me of Black cat well the stage and everything, the atmosphere wasnt even close! But this was the last night of the tour and the bands were having fun and it was great! I'm not going to go through each band cuz all were awesome, there was We the Kings, Powerspace, Madina Lake, and Mayday Parade. During all the bands other bands members would come out and mess around, but it added to the fun. They wrapped people in serane(sp?) wrap and electrical tape while they were playing and during the last songs they started taking the drum kit apart while they were playing. They were throwing toilet paper around. I think it was the singer of We the Kings got caught on fire so they stoped that. They had hairspray and a lighter and was shooting it around and caught his back but they kept going. It was just fun as hell. Getting there I felt bad cuz I was like the oldest person other than some kids parents, but as the show went on other people showed up, I think they were just afraid of being seen there early or something. I didn't get into any fights or anything but I did almost kill some little girl. All night me and another dude were picking up people to crowd surf, soon girls just came up and was asking us, well one girl I picked up and she started to fall in front of me so we got under her and kinda tossed her, but she went over the crowd and up to the stage, I think the security guy caught her. We freaked out, we didnt mean to throw her that hard or anything, I hope she was ok. She just kinda disappeared. But besides that it was fun. Well TIme for me to get back to tv. Later, Happy Thanksgiving!

Friday Night Darkness

SO here I sit bored out of my mind on a friday night. It wouldn't be so bad if there was something on tv! I already watched Saw 4 on the comp here and may have to watch Oceans 13 too. I really wanna go get a bottle or some beer or something but we all know that that won't solve anything and would probably just make me lonlier and I'd go out and do some stupid shit. I may just work out, I was gonna take today off but fuck it,, I can use it. So I've noticed my mind wondering again when I lie down to sleep. It was weird to notice it the other night. I've been just lying down and going to sleep, but I noticed myself thinking and I found it odd that I hadn't been lately. Well thinking has led to wierd dreams, luckily I forget after waking up except one crazy one. I was in a car and my son was in the passanger seat and there was a lion in the backseat and I kept saying to ignore it and whatever but it kept clawing at my arm and nibbleing at it. Well this is what the dream dictionary says: "To see a lion in your dream, symbolizes great strength, aggression and power. You will overcome your emotions and/or difficulties. To dream that you are attacked by a lion, indicates that you have many obstacles to overcome. You must resist the force that is driving you to self-destruction." The force driving me to self destruction is my life, how do I resist my life? I resist living enough, I always revert to being a hermit and not going out and living life like I should. Well either that or I get drunk and do stupid shit which is almostr living too much. Where is the balance? But I am not getting drunk so I guess that is a start, I played my guitar all last night until my fingers hurt, I picked it up for a bit tonight but its boring playing the same crap over and over again, I can't really learn anything. I need to put an ad out for a hot chick who knows how to play to teach me so I can kill 2 birds with one stone. I can learn to play better and hang out... right... Well I do think I am gonna work out... oh yeah..

Yeah I got into it in Biology again, we were "learning" about evolution but he just kept showing how fossils and things have been the same for millions of years and pretty much saying things didn't evolve. So I argued about how elephants have changed since mastadons to wolly mammoths to elephants and he said that was all theory and that they could be seperate animals like dogs and cats and stuff. I asked where any creationism proof is or is it all theory, he didn't have an answer, fucking retard! Its all bullshit and who cares.

Procrastonating...

I am probably the worlds biggest procrastonator! I am supposed to be writing a psych paper right now but I don't feel like it. I should go out and do something, it is warmer out and I am all dressed up! We had to go for orientation at the hospital where we will do our clinicals for our EMT class, we couldn't wear jeans. SO I put on my nice black Khakis, the nice shirt I bought for my DUI court hearing, I shaved :( I look funny after having a nice little goatee for a while. But have to look good so I can make good impression and all that happy shit. I think I mentioned in my last bitching session that I have been working out. Especially since they cut my hours at work. I start off running a mile or a mile and a half and then lift and shit. I am gonna get ripped as hell so the hunnies will be drooling over me! so far I put on 5 pounds of muscle! maybe I'll put up some before and after pics after a couple months or something. I can see a definate difference. I think my metabolism is finally slowing down, either that or just after the years of getting lifting and nutritional advise from so many different people and accumulating them all into, what I have been doing is finally working. I feel good, I love working up a good sweat! And since I don't have a girl to help me "work out", I guess I got to actually work out... Oh well. Thats weird how I am digging running though, I always hated it. I guess I'm going through a midlife crisis, I'm probably not gonna make 50. I mean look, the past couple months, I quit smoking, I hardly drink anymore, though I wanna, I just don't have the money...lol. I enjoy running, I'm going to school and doing pretty good, I think I've been being a good dad lately. He's actually been cuddleing with me, he hasn't done that since he was a baby, this weekend he layed with me and we watched tv. It felt good. I've turned me around a bit, I just need to get some emotions back, and I need to get a life and a good job. I can't go out and meet people because I am broke and most people around here are idiots as I said in the post below! I am going to a concert next Tuesday, its a little closer, up in Toledo. Going to see Madina Lake and Mayday Parade, some good bands... is it just me or is almost all good music about breaking up and stuff. I guess I am not the only one who can't really write anything good when they are happy. But yeah I will probably go there alone since it is a tuesday and everyone around here sucks ass! I need a concert buddy!

Biology Bitching!!

First of all I hate my fucking biology class and not so much the class as the teacher and the fucking people in it. The people in this area are so fucking retarded! I am almost positive I was never that fucking closed minded! before we spent an entire class talking about how some of the kids, yes some are still in high school but taking college classes, grew up and never saw a black person before and how tramatizing it was when one moved into their neighborhood. Then we talk about how stupid they thing evolution is. Let me get this straight you think it is stupid to think that the world has evolved out of a single cell. Yeah how stupid is that, we all know that a dude snapped his fucking fingers and created the world! For me honestly both are too fucking extreme and to be honest who really gives a flying fuck!! We are here, we have documentation of what has happened for a couple hundred years, thats good enough! Fucking people! I swear I am far from fucking sofisticated but these people make me sick to believe that I grew up here. I hate it! my baby mama was talking about moving to Oklahoma or some shit again, she's mentioned it before. I honestly think that if she does I am going back into the Navy and getting the hell out of here. If my son is not here I have no reason to be here. I don't make shit for money, I can't do shit for fun, I still only have a couple friends, and I am fucking miserable living as a bum! I don't know if miserable is the right term but I hate the fact that I have to rely on my parents for food sometimes and the fact I am always broke and have no money to go have fun or have to drive 2 hours to see a good concert and still don't really have anyone to go with. Hell if I am gonna live like this I might as well be living in the barracks or on a ship and getting paid more right. I miss it unfortunatly! I miss meeting people with totally different backgrounds and still having the same views or just being able to meet new people in general. Around here I don't really wanna because they are fucking idiots, I know there are a lot in the military too but there you are kinda forced to meet everyone, here I can choose not to. I don't remember where I was going with all of this but for real I am tired of these stupid fucking ignorant redneck fuckers! I joke around sometimes about racist shit and stereotypes and everything but in all honesty anyone is a person and I have no opinion of them until they give me something, talk to me, I see you act a certain way to form an opinion. I'm not gonna sit here and think all black people are criminals, all asian are super smart, and all fucking white males are evil! Yeah we also talked about how tall white males are the perferred choice of women, I am a tall white male, and yeah look at me fight them fucking off with a stick!! FUcking morons! Maybe god should have snapped his fingers a little fucking harder in some of their brains, or just squished them! I'm out, need to go workout or something. I have been working out at least 3 times a week, I can run a mile in 8 minutes again, I am actually starting to enjoy running...me, I must be fucking losing my mind here right!

Mindless is the way to be....

SO thanks in part to CF asking me about my feelings and me feeling like a dick for not feeling I opened my mind to try to figure out why. I typed it of course cuz it took me a while to figure it out and its something I wouldn't want to say in person. It pretty much said I am no longer a whole person and I hope my heart is like my liver and can rebuild itself, well not my liver since I continuously abuse my liver but the liver is very regenerative. Though I don't drink much again. Anyways so it will probably take a long time for me to be able to open my heart if I don't have one and such. I mean it took what 2 years after my exwife before I dated someone and that was HB, the rest was just kinda fun and I didn't even get along with my wife. She wants to put thoughts and feelings into everything, I just want to live and enjoy the few moments... I kinda enjoy not thinking or feeling, theres always ups and downs to everything. I've been feeling like a hippie lately, I hate hippies but they kinda have it right. Just live, though money still sucks and makes me worry, the rest fuck worrying about how someone feels about you, if someone is cheating on you, what they'd think if you did whatever. Fuck that shit! Fuck looking for love, I mean you only find what you're looking for when you stop looking right, and I think I have been looking while lying to myself. And then I find CF who wants and deserves more than I can give right now and she is beating herself up about it thinking its her fault I am not happy and shit. It sucks, check another life I ruined, damn at least there is one thing I know I am good at, actually quite a few its just none are really beneficial to my goals. I am a sadistic fuck, I can come up with great torurous situations, I can ruin peoples lives, I am great at fucking with people, I can make anyone feel like shit if I get to know them, and I know some useless facts and shit. And shit since I'm heading down the dark path on this post I've been thinking about death lately. JUst death in general, what happens if I die tomorrow how would my friends find out, like chris, ech, john, or brown... my mom isn't gonna know how to get ahold of anyone, none of my friends know anyone, you know. And vice-versa how would I know if anyone else died, no one really talks anymore except the occasional email or myspace comment and if they don't respond I don't think much of it, how long would it be until I would know.

Not thinking is the way to be. Thinking especially over thinking just causes pain and suffering. Ignorance is bliss only in some cases,