Mindless is the way to be....

SO thanks in part to CF asking me about my feelings and me feeling like a dick for not feeling I opened my mind to try to figure out why. I typed it of course cuz it took me a while to figure it out and its something I wouldn't want to say in person. It pretty much said I am no longer a whole person and I hope my heart is like my liver and can rebuild itself, well not my liver since I continuously abuse my liver but the liver is very regenerative. Though I don't drink much again. Anyways so it will probably take a long time for me to be able to open my heart if I don't have one and such. I mean it took what 2 years after my exwife before I dated someone and that was HB, the rest was just kinda fun and I didn't even get along with my wife. She wants to put thoughts and feelings into everything, I just want to live and enjoy the few moments... I kinda enjoy not thinking or feeling, theres always ups and downs to everything. I've been feeling like a hippie lately, I hate hippies but they kinda have it right. Just live, though money still sucks and makes me worry, the rest fuck worrying about how someone feels about you, if someone is cheating on you, what they'd think if you did whatever. Fuck that shit! Fuck looking for love, I mean you only find what you're looking for when you stop looking right, and I think I have been looking while lying to myself. And then I find CF who wants and deserves more than I can give right now and she is beating herself up about it thinking its her fault I am not happy and shit. It sucks, check another life I ruined, damn at least there is one thing I know I am good at, actually quite a few its just none are really beneficial to my goals. I am a sadistic fuck, I can come up with great torurous situations, I can ruin peoples lives, I am great at fucking with people, I can make anyone feel like shit if I get to know them, and I know some useless facts and shit. And shit since I'm heading down the dark path on this post I've been thinking about death lately. JUst death in general, what happens if I die tomorrow how would my friends find out, like chris, ech, john, or brown... my mom isn't gonna know how to get ahold of anyone, none of my friends know anyone, you know. And vice-versa how would I know if anyone else died, no one really talks anymore except the occasional email or myspace comment and if they don't respond I don't think much of it, how long would it be until I would know.

Not thinking is the way to be. Thinking especially over thinking just causes pain and suffering. Ignorance is bliss only in some cases,