Sick Puppies!

So not really anything new, same shit, trying to find a job, getting more and more stressed about money. Trying to figure out how to pay my car and the rest of my bills next month, I may go try to get a loan and say I am still in the Navy and see if that works. But since I don't have much to say I am posting to tell whoever will read or listen about Sick Puppies Click that link and go listen to this band. Anyone who knows me knows how passionate I am about music and "new bands" stuff I haven't heard and then just absolutely fall for, like Silverstein who remains one of my top favorite bands. Well I believe it was on myspace the other day I was bored and checking on bands and I came across this one. I swear I have heard a couple of the songs before, it just kinda has that feel like it has always been a part of my life. It is rock, some mellow, some screaming, some fucked up lyrics, some sentimental, but all of it is fucking great!! I can't stop listening to it. Another fucking addiction. Seriously I made 2 copies of their CD so I can listen to it in the car and keep it playing in my room when I am home. The first 2 songs are my favorite. Actually if you turn on your speakers I have as many songs as I could find on the playlist over there on the side but I know you can't scroll down though. But "My World" and "Pitiful" are my favorite and though I want to post all their lyrics on here I will stick with these 2 songs that you can read while listening to if you can!! I am trying to see if I can see them in Detroit when they come by. On another music note, Saliva is going to play a benefit concert here in my small ass town at our kmart parking lot next month. Funny shit, I should be hanging out with the band cuz my cousin knows a guy and hung out with them before. I will definitely post when that happens.

"My World"

I'm not comin' back
I'm not gonna react
I'm not doin' shit for you.
I'm not sittin' around while you are tearin' it down around us.
I'm not livin' a lie while you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You leave me out on the curb just like everyone else before you.

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think I'm not seeing a shrink.
I'm not doing this again.
I'm not another student or a mother to take your shit out on
So let's see what you got, let's see what you're not
And what ever else you pretend
You defended my intention long ago

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.

I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

So here I am again.
In the middle of the end.
And the trust I wish I'd made
I always make too late

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world.

My world
My world (welcome to my world)
Welcome baby.

"Pitiful"

Made the toast,
Burnt the eggs,
Never got the hang of them,
Just another other day.

Caught the bus,
Forgot the change,
Looks like I'll be late again,
Hopefully they won't complain.

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose

Went to work,
Saw you there,
But you never seem to care,
For a single thing I say.

I set the clock and went to sleep,
This anxiety I keep,
Through another fucking day.

(Looks like that's all today i'm dying)

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose.

My life's so pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.

Well my life's so pitiful.
My life's so pitiful.
My life's so pitiful.
I'm dying.

so yeah....

Sorry about the little explosion the other day. I don't really have anyone to vent my feelings or frustrations to anymore. There are quite a few of them but it seems everyone else has bigger problems to worry about than me. My cousin is fucking broke, his car broke and everything else is going wrong with him. Chris is never around and we don't seem to talk anymore. The couple guys I hang out with, I don't bring up anything but I am broke. People keep giving me shit because I am broke and can't afford to pay my bills next month but I have spent 370 bucks on my tat this month. But at this point I really don't give a fuck. I have been worse off and the past couple years I have been doing really good, I can recover, I fucking deserve to spend money on myself. SO this chick I have been hanging out with is fucking crazy... I don't know really what her deal or angle is... We talked at first about being friends and shit, then decided on fuck buddies, she kinda has a boyfriend that lives in Florida and will be moving up here next year or some shit. Whatever, then she starts talking about she really liked me and all this, so I started kinda feeling like a dick cuz I like her but not that much, you know. Well so she still talks to Florida and tells him she loves him and all this shit. Cool, I don't care. Well I think it was last weekend or the one before, we went and saw a couple bands, well she got trashed...bad. She was drunk dialing people and screaming they had a small dick and she was hooking up with me and shit. I can deal with that I know she hadn't drank in a while and was blowing steam or whatever. Well she is pretty hot and has guys hitting on her constantly again, I don't care we just have sex. But she tries to rub it in my face. This guy in south carolina wants her to move there and live with him, a guy in Wisconsin or some shit, the Florida guy, and now she keeps telling me about this guy from the band we saw, the guy was pretty cool and was talking to me and shit about how we could come down to Columbus and crash with him and just party and shit, he seemed cool. Now she keeps telling me how they talked and shit, like she is trying to make me jealous. It sucks, other than that she is cool and shit, our kids get along great and love playing and everything else. The sex is getting better now that she is warming up to me. But I don't know how long I can deal with the drama. I just want to tell her to shut the fuck up and talk about something other than the guys who want to fuck her. I mean her only request was that while we were fucking, we only fuck each other, thats a good rule, I like that rule. But perhaps we should have added, that I don't want to hear ablut others that want to fuck you or that you are trying to line up for the future. I don't fucking tell her that last night when I was out with my buddies that I was talking to another chick and what the fuck ever you know, there are lines. I dunno know, I just need to find someone else who can make the same deal without the extra drama... I mean I really like the fact that we are fairly honest and open about everything but there are just things I don't want to hear. Like HB would tell me about someone else fucking her, thanks for sharing but not something I need to hear! I mean how would you like to hear I was fucking the shit out of my ex wife and I accidently shoved my dick in her ass and she screamed at me to get it out and jumped like a mother fucker. Its just something that should stay with you... I don't know I am tired and bored as shit. I have been having insomnia lately I can't seem to sleep until like 3 or so. I bout sleeping pills, they don't really work either. I just move back and forth from the computer to the tv, time to move to the tv. Goodnight.

HA

Ok I obviously have a hard time letting go and all the other bullshit. My last post I said about how no girl will measure up to HB. Then talked about how it was shitty the way it ended and asked how much was bullshit because at the end she tells me how miserable I had been making her for months. So how many months could that have been, I don't know because she didn't tell me so obviously I was being bullshitted at the end and if that makes me question how long I am an asshole. Tell me to get off my fucking high horse, read this whole fucking blog from the brginning, all 600 posts, find me one fucking piece where I am on a fucking high horse. I am a nice guy, that is all I claim to be... besides that I am a fuck up I always have been and always will be from the start of HB and I's relationship I told her I'd fuck it up, thats what I do. Don't get pissed at me when I do what I told you from the begining. I fucking know the list of problems I have and am, I know what I can fix and when, I have worked hard on the things I have changed and I am still working on everything about me. You want me on a fucking high horse, you want me to brag about myself. I am honest, I never fucking lied to you. I told you exactly how I felt from day 1 to the fucking end and to this day. I didn't omit or hide my feelings like you obviously did. I told you when I was upset with your son, I didn't hide that fact either. Yes I am fucking immature and let a kid reduce me to arguing, so fucking what. Yes that is my problem, be happy I learned to control the anger that made me welt my own childs ass or else I am sure I could have done worse to one that wasn't mine. Yes I drink, I am a fucking alcoholic, it fucking runs in my family it is hereditary, I am still fighting it. Other than having my fucking son here to distract me, there is no reason for me not to drink. When he goes to bed I no longer have a reason to stay sober, but I have fought it because it means something to me because that is one of the reasons I lost HB. If it made me lose something that was important to me, it is worth working on and everything that HB stated as reasons that it wouldn't work out meant something to me, I worked on every fucking one of those reasons. Why...to get her back...NO! Because I knew that IF BIG FUCKING IF someone like her came into my life again, I didn't want a repeat of the same fucking things to go wrong. I am not just talking about HB as a girlfriend, fiance, wife or anything else, she was my fucking best friend, I told her more than I told Chris and I told Chris almost everything, and what do I have to show for either nothing! They are both in Texas and I am here trying to make new friends where only one other person knows almost as many secrets. I am here starting from scratch, I have no fucking job, no more fucking money, 2 fucking friends, drama keeps following me, I have good reasons to get smashed as fucking hell, and just OD on everything I can get my hands on and I fucking want to so fucking bad but I don't. I have not smoked any weed, I did do coke one night, but that was my first night I went out after I quit smoking, I haven't gotten fucking drunk, I quit smoking, ME I quit fucking smoking! I get up everyday and keep fucking fighting, I go around this fucking shithole of a town and fucking fill out job applications for stupid fucking shit jobs and they don't fucking call me cause my training in Helth physics sounds too fucking complicated for them to understand. Fuck it! I just want to fucking say fuck everything, fuck you, fuck me, fuck this whole fucking world, and slip into another depression but I fight that too. Fuck it I'm done for now!

Sex and other stuff

First off I'd like to apologize to Dan, Uncle Tom, and Zef if you read this. You guys are the last readers of mine that I can spot, a couple come up occasionally but I can't tell who they are or where they are. So if your a stalker and read this please leave me a comment. And if your a dude you may not want to continue...lol. I have decided I am not telling anyone about this blog anymore. People who stumble on it will stumble on it and hopefully tell me what they think. I like the idea of sharing this with people, just not too many people who know me too good. The few who do, I don't mind and please keep reading and leaving comments. So I have had a couple drinks tonight which is more than I have been drinking. I've mentioned before how I have an urge to just get fucked up!! I don't really know why, things haven't been that bad! I just can't understand. There are lots of thoughts running through my head lately. I kind of have a new steady sex, who is addicted and loves my cock, but it just isn't HB. When I kiss her, her lips are so small and I don't know how to explain it, not full and embracing. The sex isn't too bad, she is in great shape for having 2 kids and shit, she is skinny as hell and tight, I thought I'd split her in 2. But so far she just kinda lies there and I like to feel I don't know something. HB is a hard act to follow, seriously. I put all my bets on her and I felt so much for her, that anyone else I just feel guarded against. I feel no one is as good. And when I started thinking about it, I actually have no clue how many people I have slept with. Seriously, I can't name or number how many people I had sex with between my ex wife and HB, I know 3 for sure but the rest is a drunken blur. It kinda sucks. I feel like a douche. I know I am a nice guy but that time of my life was a mess, and I feel that the next girl I am ready to settle down with asks how many people I have been with I will feel like a dick because I can't give an exact number or names or anything. The one I am with now has hinted around to asking and shit. One of the main things is I feel really bad to comparing her or anyone in general that I talk to to HB. I'm still not positive about her, why should I compare people to her. I am still confused to what all was fake and real with her. Everything seemed so real and great and then just all went to hell, we had some tough times but I didn't expect it to go as bad as it did. Now she won't talk to me and shit, makes me wonder you know. Maybe it was all bullshit. I was just occupying her time while she was stuck in Maryland. It really fucks with my head, well like most things. I believed everything until she dropped me like a bad habit for the crappy comment and shit. Then I just kinda think about how it all could have been bullshit. How I am so fuckin Gullible, to believe that she had feelings for me and everything else. Or that how she could just drop the feelings like she did. I can understand moving on but not really the way she did. She planned everything before she even talked to me and that is fucked up. I don't want to go though that drunken, sex phase again where I can't remember all that happened. My ex-wife has been causing drama and shit. Last night my friend was over with her 2 girls, the kids were playing good and shit then the XW calls up bitching that she didn't know these people and there are weirdos here and shit. I bite my lip for a while literally but she kept pressing so I went off on her family and pissed her off, she threatened to come get our son, Then we started yelling, then we talked and then she apologized. It was nuts. I hate that bitch and her family but I have been good on keeping quiet about everything. She should know better than to start shit with me. I am a nice guy until provoked then I can be brutal! Well I can't think of much else to say for now, may be back later after a few more...lol!

Just an Update

So I think my last post was about the temptations of alcohol. Well I did end up getting a bottle of Beam, but I have controlled drinking it. I make me a drink every once in a while. I have been quite obsessed with getting my tattoo, anyone who has a couple may kind of understand. It is addicting as well, I must just have an addicting personality, I seem to get addicted to everything, drinking, smoking, concerts, tattoos, watching tv, sex, certain people, and probably more. But it is good, I had my third session yesterday, it was just coloring but my shoulder is quite sore, more than it has been the other 2 times, I probably have 2 more until its finished but I may only have the money for one more, its been costing 100 a pop so.... I'm sure I will come up with the money even if I end up broke! It is therapeutic, the pain feels good and I just sit there for a couple hours talking with a cool dude about shit and when we don't talk my mind sorts through different problems. I am just excited to about how its all coming together on my arm and looking fucking awesome as hell. Since I haven't put a pic up and the people who see it on myspace probably can't figure it out, I had a 4 leaf clover on my shoulder, I surrounded it with flames, put a ca deuce(medical symbol) underneath it and at my elbow is kind of a make shift Pandora's box( it doesn't quite look like a box like I wanted but it fits great and works a lot better) It has a couple heart shaped symbols in it and coming out of it are different emotions: Anger, hope, love, sadness, Hate, Pride, desire, happiness, fear. Then hopefully the last session will be Homer and bart simpson on the inside of my arm to symbolize me and my son. The guy doing it seems to keep putting this off for last cuz he knows its gonna be pretty difficult and painful.

Aside from that I have made a new friend, it has been quite interesting, we made it clear that we were just gonna be friends with benefits because I don't want a relationship and she said the same but I think she is starting to have feelings for me. Its kinda funny, I figured I would be the one to start getting attached but I just kind of feel like a cold asshole. It hasn't gotten to bad though, we'll see what happens with that. She is really cool, and pretty hot, really skinny though, its bad when I think I am gonna break someone in half, I am pretty skinny. But yeah theres that.

HB won't talk to me anymore cuz she called and said she was missing movies and kept asking if I was sure I didn't have her girly movies, I said no. She eventually found them and apologized. Then she said sorry for being a cunt, all I did was jokingly say I was used to it and she hung up won't return my calls and kicked me off her myspace and everything else. Hell we joked alot worse than that before, I apologized several times if it did offend her, but I think she just wanted an excuse to end all contact and I gave it to her since all bills are paid and we got our money. It would have been easier to just say something like hey I think it would be better for me for us not to talk or something instead of trying to make me feel like it is all my fault when it isn't but whatever. We can't all be perfect.

Here's the lyrics from a son on Silversteins new album which I LOVE!! What else is new, they are awesome!

Silverstein- Worlds Apart

Lying all alone, wishing you would call.
Writing all my thoughts has broken all my bones.
You gave it all up, you threw it all away.
There's nothing I can do.

What do I think of dying?
You know it's even worse than what's in my head.
You don't believe me when I tell you,
I don't want to be a fraud and pretend that everything's fine.
I won't be here when you get home.
I'm not gonna sit here and die.

I'll follow through again this time.
I'll swallow swords
I'll be just fine.

You read me like a book.
You know I'm running out of legs to stand on.
I won't believe you when you tell me.
These old habits die so hard.
There's not intervention in sight.
There's no point in calling you.
I'm just gonna stand here and fight.

I'll follow through again this time.
I'll swallow swords, spit out my pride.
I'll be just fine.
You fill my head with endless lies.
You're killing me, I'm killing time.
I'll be just fine.

So, maybe one day the pain will go away,
And I will see your face,
I won't even care.
Changing all the locks 'cause I can't change you.

Temptation

SO I have been facing some temptations lately. As I have stated I have quit smoking, that was actually easy. I sometimes want one but it really isn't that bad. I have been getting my arm covered with tattoos, I don't want to stop, I want to keep going, but I am running out of money and really need to find a job. But the greatest temptation is actually Jim Beam. I have done really good on not drinking, only drinking beer when I am at a party or something. Last weekend I went to a "club" (well place where they play music and you can dance, not really much of a club though) and in my attempt to get the courage to dance a friend got us yager bombs and the Beam and cokes. It was almost like Frank the Tank in old school, "just once it hit your lips!" and I really wanted to go get more and since I want to go get a bottle, the shits like crack to me! I have been keeping myself out of depression though I have been feeling a little blue with the money situation, and some other things but I wouldn't think I was to the point I have been before where I need to drown myself in a bottle. Obviously we all get to the point once in a while where we want to just go out and get fucked up and fucked. But I don't know I just feel like I need to get some. I don't understand, but I am not giving in. Everything lately has been about me not giving in to the temptations I feel, well except for sex, but whatever. Now I just need to get better at not putting everything off, like finding a job!!! Well I am off back to the tattoo studio, I am posting as we go pics on my myspace, I will post the final pics here whenever we get finished!