HA

Ok I obviously have a hard time letting go and all the other bullshit. My last post I said about how no girl will measure up to HB. Then talked about how it was shitty the way it ended and asked how much was bullshit because at the end she tells me how miserable I had been making her for months. So how many months could that have been, I don't know because she didn't tell me so obviously I was being bullshitted at the end and if that makes me question how long I am an asshole. Tell me to get off my fucking high horse, read this whole fucking blog from the brginning, all 600 posts, find me one fucking piece where I am on a fucking high horse. I am a nice guy, that is all I claim to be... besides that I am a fuck up I always have been and always will be from the start of HB and I's relationship I told her I'd fuck it up, thats what I do. Don't get pissed at me when I do what I told you from the begining. I fucking know the list of problems I have and am, I know what I can fix and when, I have worked hard on the things I have changed and I am still working on everything about me. You want me on a fucking high horse, you want me to brag about myself. I am honest, I never fucking lied to you. I told you exactly how I felt from day 1 to the fucking end and to this day. I didn't omit or hide my feelings like you obviously did. I told you when I was upset with your son, I didn't hide that fact either. Yes I am fucking immature and let a kid reduce me to arguing, so fucking what. Yes that is my problem, be happy I learned to control the anger that made me welt my own childs ass or else I am sure I could have done worse to one that wasn't mine. Yes I drink, I am a fucking alcoholic, it fucking runs in my family it is hereditary, I am still fighting it. Other than having my fucking son here to distract me, there is no reason for me not to drink. When he goes to bed I no longer have a reason to stay sober, but I have fought it because it means something to me because that is one of the reasons I lost HB. If it made me lose something that was important to me, it is worth working on and everything that HB stated as reasons that it wouldn't work out meant something to me, I worked on every fucking one of those reasons. Why...to get her back...NO! Because I knew that IF BIG FUCKING IF someone like her came into my life again, I didn't want a repeat of the same fucking things to go wrong. I am not just talking about HB as a girlfriend, fiance, wife or anything else, she was my fucking best friend, I told her more than I told Chris and I told Chris almost everything, and what do I have to show for either nothing! They are both in Texas and I am here trying to make new friends where only one other person knows almost as many secrets. I am here starting from scratch, I have no fucking job, no more fucking money, 2 fucking friends, drama keeps following me, I have good reasons to get smashed as fucking hell, and just OD on everything I can get my hands on and I fucking want to so fucking bad but I don't. I have not smoked any weed, I did do coke one night, but that was my first night I went out after I quit smoking, I haven't gotten fucking drunk, I quit smoking, ME I quit fucking smoking! I get up everyday and keep fucking fighting, I go around this fucking shithole of a town and fucking fill out job applications for stupid fucking shit jobs and they don't fucking call me cause my training in Helth physics sounds too fucking complicated for them to understand. Fuck it! I just want to fucking say fuck everything, fuck you, fuck me, fuck this whole fucking world, and slip into another depression but I fight that too. Fuck it I'm done for now!