Love Dare Day 4

SO this is will probably be the last Love Dare for a while. This one was to call up during the day and ask if there is anything you can do for them. She came home for lunch so I asked if I could do anything and she said it would be nice if I brought her a coffee, since she was running late and had to get back to work. So I did, she knows how much I hate her expensive coffee's and I make all kinds of excuses to avoid them. And when I got there it seems like she tried to hide things on her work computer. I know that the other guy has been emailing her there. She claims she doesn't answer him. Well we talked a bit and I left. A few days later she told me she would like it if I moved out for a while.


Now I have told her I would do whatever she wanted. However, when I am at home I have things to keep my mind busy. Here at my parents house I just smoke and dwell quite a bit. Plus we had just put up a stone wall and got a wood burner installed for the winter. I have been chopping up wood and keeping busy with that. Now she doesn't want me there for the winter. I can't enjoy these things we had been waiting to get. To sit by the fire.... It upsets me quite a bit.


I am still sober, today is day 64. That is going pretty good. I am starting to try to hang out with a few older guys from AA to keep my ass in line and to keep me busy. I tried to go to the gym yesterday, I weighed myself, I am down to 172, I was about 195 before all this started... lost over 20lbs. I didn't have much fat on me to begin with... SO I need to start getting back to the gym and pumping up...lol. Speaking of which, I should head there now....

Love Dare Day 3

SO like usual, day 3 didn't quite go as day 3 was to but something for her. A few months ago I purchased tickets to the orchestra and Friday was the day for it. SO before she got home from work I also purchased a dozen roses, a dozen of wild flowers, and an orchid plant. I went to take her to a Greek restaurant before the show. The restaurant was really nice, however, everything we ordered they were out of. So we ended up only having a salad and appetizer before they just gave us our meal for free because we had to leave for the show. The show was good, we both enjoyed it. I made a comment on the way home about going down an old road and making out or having sex like we used to. We hadn't had sex in quite a while and she hasn't wanted any affection. She said that she would prefer not to. So we came home and talked a bit. That ended up in both of us crying and going to bed. Once in bed she decided to try to have sex. During which she ends up hurting her back... So tonight we have marriage counseling and she says that she is extremely nervous about it. I hope that it goes good... Updates later...

Love Dare Day 2

SO Love Dare day 2 is about showing kindness. This didn't go quite as planned. I do usually help with the house clean up. She generally cooks but lately I do dishes and help clean up as well as keep up with the laundry. SO I worked 12 hours so got home right at supper time. She did not need my help cooking as usual. While I was eating she excused herself and started on dishes, I said I would do them but she continued. My last act that I had planned to perform was a massage, she used to beg me to rub her. SO was we were getting ready for bed I asked if I could rub her. She said no. I told her that I would really like to and she finally agreed. But while I was rubbing her I noticed her getting increasingly upset and started to cry. I thought this might be a break thru. But she didn't want to tell me why. Said that  it was over and would just hurt me. I asked if it was the other man, she says no. I pry and pry to figure out what I have done now. Here I am trying everything I can think of to save my marriage and I'm watching it circle the toilet. Finally she says it is because I made her lose her son who moved out. I try to talk being especially careful not to say anything negative. But it was a losing battle that ended with me sleeping on the couch. I told her that I was going to contact her son as part of my AA to make amends with those I hurt and he is one of them. She begged me not to contact him. I explained that it is not like I can make any matters worse than they are. He is gone, she is blaming me and I already feel as I have lost her. I did contact him this morning and he did answer me and she says that I never do what she asks and only do what I want. I just don't understand. If she says it is my fault, then it is my mess to clean up, she isn't supposed to clean up after me. But I am not sure. A while ago we bought tickets to the symphony and that is tomorrow. I am nervous. We can't even hold hands or a conversation anymore. What are we going to do in public? I always want to hold her hand and kiss her but she seems repulsed by my touch... I guess I'll just have to try day 3 and keep moving in hopes something will help.

Love Dare Day 1

SO I realize that my posts are kind of all over lately but there is a lot of things that I am working on and trying to repair about myself and my life. A week or so ago my wife gave me a book called the Love Dare. There is spaces in the book to write things, but I am sure we will need to go thru it several times so I don't really want to clog it the first go around. So I figured I would write it here.


Day 1 is to have patience and say nothing negative. I have been trying to have patience and yesterday I did not say anything negative. I do say negative things quite a bit. I try to stay positive but it is hard. The last week or so my wife has not shown me any affection or really talk to me about anything in particular. In AA there is a saying "Live and Let Live" I was thinking about this a lot last night. We still shower together but there is no more snuggling of loving touching. I was just standing there looking at her wondering how long it would be until she felt affection for me again. And that's when I realized I had to let her Live and not concentrate as much about how I feel about it. Easier said than done. But I didn't say anything. When she got out, I sat in the shower and prayed for the strength and the courage to make it thru this part of the rough and hope that she feels the same. I need to remain patient and hope that the affection will come back.

AA

So I think that I may have mentioned several years ago going to Alcoholics Anonymous after my DUI. That was court ordered, I was not ready to quit drinking. I was looking back at just my few posts and I know that I have mentioned several times of planning to stop or cut back in my drinking. I have several times used will power, that would get me at most I think 30-40 days sober, then slowly I would succumb to my old ways. Today I am 41 days sober. Since the last incident that landed me into the situation explained in the post before. I had hit my bottom... I was lucky enough that my bottom was mostly internal, I still have my house, job, and family. However I know that I, myself, cannot go on like that. It has led to several suicide attempts and me hating life. I decided that my will power and my self is weak and broken. That is why I was not able to stay sober by myself. I always had excuses, I am somewhat in the public, I can't go to an AA around my town. I have to go far away, well my schedule is busy so I don't have time. Finally I made the decision to get the help I needed and went to the AA down the road that I knew. I walked in, on my own, and asked for help. I was welcomed with open arms. They have helped give me strength when I was weak. They have helped me try to connect more with my God. Which as I said before, I didn't feel as tho he was listening to me. I know that my wife and I have a long hard journey ahead of us. Chances are maybe 50/50 on us making it. It is a sad thought. But I am here fighting for my sobriety, my life, and my family. And if anyone thinks they need some help, has any thoughts they want to share, I will be here and am willing to listen....