Lack of Enthusiasm

As many of you probably noticed I have lost enthusiasm. I think I have solved the mystery of why. I have always been a dark tortured soul and as much as I hated it, it gave me passion. Hate and loneliness suck but I guess you really get use to it. Now I am happy, perhaps not really with work or the fact that I don't really have friends or as much money as I want but none of that really matters with the fact that I am in love and am spending my time with HB. I've known that I can only write descriptively when I am in pain. As you can see below I can't tap into that core when I am not in that mood. I have 2 books of writings, one from high school about the rejection of cruel women and one from a little over a year ago that I bought when I was in the barracks drunk. Most still aren't like brilliant or anything but they definitely have feelings. I am mediocre at everything in life. I always dreamed of things being different, I would find the one thing that I am good at and that would lead to the better life. But I am now finally realizing that I will not be good at anything in paticular. I'm talking about abilities here because I am a loyal and dedicated friend and boyfriend. But it still sucks, I guess it is partly because I don't follow through anything. Guitar, I learned the begining of 3 songs and that was it. This is one thing that I really need to start back up. I've had an electric guitar since I was 16 but nothing and last year I bought an acoustic which I do play with a little more but it's just nothing that I can really create music on. I love music that would be great if I could actually make my own. I have tried lessons that is how I learned 2 of the 3 songs and that was it. Writing nothing more than 2 crappy books that has a few poems and then kind of journals written sparingly. I admit most is probably due to me being lazy but even if I tried it still wouldn't amount to anything more than a little hobby thing I do once in a while. Not leading to my dream life. Then we have HB who has so much talent, she can write, draw, she is smart as all hell and has a damn good work ethic and can pretty much do anything she wants to. All she needs to do is choose her path and she will florish at it. She has options. When she chooses what she wants to do, she needs to know that I will be with her 100% and am willing to help her any way I can to reach her goals. I have learned to accept my mediocracy but she doesn't have to settle. I will help her get what she deserves. She deserves the world and since I know that I won't be able to give it to her I will help her get it. She just needs to not stress about it, just think about what she wants and she will have it. I just hope that I will still be one of the things she will want. And I'm babbling so have a good weekend.