Lazy Ass!!!

Yes I am! To the point it almost makes me sick. Friday we had some people over, HB made extremely too much food but we are working on eating it all. It made our "last Thursday of the year" look like a small snack. I got a pic of some of the food prepared but it wasn't much. Stuffed mushrooms, Swedish meatballs, wings, cream cheese pastry things, cheeseball, fruit and dip, deviled eggs, nacho's and dip, ... there's more but I can't remember. Plus beer and liquor. We bullshitted for a while had some food, drinks, played some spades. It was fun. After that I didn't get dressed or leave the house all weekend. I lied there and watched tv. Saturday HB went to babysit a baby so I played Halo and talked with Chris. That was the extent of my weekend. Now it feels good to lay around and relax especially when I have been getting really tired of working 2 jobs and shit but I think I am going a little overboard. I need to at least get up and do something. Well this weekend we were planing to go to New York and see my buddy. He's not sure if he can get off or whatever. But I think even if he can't we may have to go and I'll just fork out the money for a hotel room somewhere. We'll just have to see what's left after I pay bills.

Tonight Canowine is driving down to see a show down in DC. We're gonna see The Evens I can't get to myspace from work so I'm not sure if they have a page there where you can hear them. It is Ian MacKaye's latest project. Ian you may or may not remember from a band called Fugazi. When we worked together Canowine brought in their CD and though I don't remember much I remembered that I liked it. Thursday he is also going to come down to see another show which has a couple more bands: Hard Tomorrows, The Fake Accents, & Georgie James. He has been wanting to see Georgie James for a while now. So it should be fun. All these shows are free, outside. Find out more at Fort Reno if you want. Hope everyone else had a more exciting weekend.

The Even's myspace

Updated and stuff

You may not have noticed but I have been doing a little work to my page here. If you scroll down a bit and look to the left of the screen I have updated my concert list. Instead of just having the guys I wanted to see it has all the bands listed that I have seen. Now looking at them, most are far from reviews. Some are just me saying "they rock" or "they sucked". But hey it's all good, now my next task is putting the pics with them since most of them the pics didn't come till a couple days later since I am lazy and then blogger would take too long so then I started putting them at snapfish instead of on my page. But that will take a long time and I am really too lazy to do all that shit so perhaps I will just link to the pics or something and start from now on. I think I am gonna start going to some more concerts. Why the fuck not right? I need to suck it up while I'm in the area, there is still a bunch of places I haven't checked out yet, ottobar, warehouse nextdoor, Rams head live, club mate, fletchers just to name the few that I know of and haven't been to. I need to realize I am a grown ass man and can go to concerts by myself instead of wussing out because I can't find anyone to go with me. I need to buy a ticket to see Rollins Band next month. But whatever, better get to work.

Concert and Movies

For the 3rd fucking time! Ok this is gonna be kind of rushed because I am pissed I wrote this earlier and even copied it before I hit publish and it didn't work and when I tried to paste it was gone. WTF? Copy only holds stuff for so long? I was gonna paste it somewhere but got pulled to do some bullshit! Anyway the concert sucked. We got there an hour early despite traffic, so we walked down to the inner harbor and walked around a bit. It was hot as fuck. We walked back and waited in line outside the club. We finally got in hoping it was gonna be cooler, it wasn't. It was in the "club room" instead of the main stage which would have been awesome if it wasn't so hot. There were no fans no air moving just stale fucking hot. We at least got 2 bar stools. I drank some water and ordered a beer. I drank more water than beer, thats how hot it was. Rediscover went up. They were better than they sound on myspace. They were more rock than the techno crap on there. It was funny lyrics to some good tunes. They were having fun so in turn we had fun watching them. Next was Valencia instead of classic crimes. They were more my type of music. They were harder and screamed a bit. But by this time the place was getting more and more packed with little teenie boppers making it hotter. HB looked like she hated me for being there so I asked if she wanted to go sit in the car with air conditioning. She said yes and then when we were in the car she said she wanted to go home. I was upset because I wanted to see the other bands but I love her and know that everyone doesn't share my enthusiasm for concerts. I'd go to a show every night if I had the money regardless of having to get up early the next morning. I have done it quite a bit actually. But we left and that was that.

Saw Clerks 2, it was filarious! Definately a must see. My favorite part was a scene where Jay recreates a scene from Silence of the Lambs. It was definately different from the first one. You can tell how Kevin Smith has grown over the years as a writer and they had more of a budget. It had more of a plot and story but still had something special like the first one. We then theater hoped over to see My Super Ex-girlfriend. It was funny too and showed how crazy women are. This one I'd rent when it comes out on DVD. But now blogger is saying that it is fucked up again so I am pissed and gonna try again. If it loses it then fuck my reviews!!

God's message is loud and clear

My Seond attempt at The Scheherazade Project: Theme for 7/17-7/30. I can't even make paragraphs but I am trying to do dialouge. Funny shit huh.

"Alcoholism isn't a choice you make, it is hereditary. Let's go around and introduce ourselves. I'll start. My name is Dave, I'm a recovering alcoholic and an addict." the couselor stuttered out.

Next in line was a big black dude who looked as if he should be in prison "My name is Demond, I'm an addict."

"My name is Ronald, I am an alcoholic." mumbled the old man.

I stood up "I'm Randy and I'm here because the court told me too."

The counselor barked back "Well you must have a problem if you're here, why did the court tell you to come."

"DUI but it was just once... a mistake." I don't share my problems, especially with strangers.

"OK, you may not be ready to admit it, but remember the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Next"

And so it began. I heard stories and shared no part of my life to these crazy people. It is odd that I call them crazy when they were more sane than I have ever been. Weeks came and gone, I knew almost everyone in the room and still they knew nothing of me.

One day during a smoke break a 16 year old homeless kid approached me."Hey what's your story?"

"DUI." I answered trying to ignore him.

"Cool, I do almost anything. Can I bum a smoke?" I gave him one in hopes it would stop his talking, but it failed. "Thanks, so why do you drink?"

"I do every once in a while just with friends."

"Yeah, I ain't the cops, I don't give a shit. Look at me, does it look like I have the right to judge anyone?"

"I don't know, they say it's hereditary, maybe that's it. It relaxes me. It helps me except my numbness, fuck if I knew maybe I'd just fix it."

"Same here man, Fuck it all! My hope is that it'll cure me or kill me." He had a strange gleam to his eye.

"Maybe I am hoping the same. I think I'm leaning towards death."

"Why bother drinking then, death is always just a step away. Step in front of a bus, step in front of the train, step into the wrong guy, you know."

"Good point. Why don't you, you ain't have anything to lose right?" I curl back in horror when I realize I just told a homeless kid to kill himself. I hoped he didn't catch it. He seemed slow from doing drugs but as most druggies he had good points on how to make the universe right.

"What do you have? I'll do it if you do it." He chuckled with a sinister look about him.

"What now?"

"No, next week." He scoufed. "Wait yeah, if you can't find out how to feel by next weeks class we'll go out and end it."

"Next week, are you kidding?"

"You got something better to do? You got many friends? Loved ones? Anyone?"

"Not really but shit I may someday." I can't believe this punk is eggin me on to kill myself. I looked deep in his eyes to see if maybe he just had a sinister sense of humor. If he did he hid it well, all I saw was hate, lonliness, and desperation.

"Then lets do it then. That way we can at least hang out whereever you go to after death. You aren't one of those Jesus freaks are you? Naw, if you were you wouldn't be here would you."

"Nope I guess not. Well I gotta go, uhm, I guess I'll see you next week."

"Sure thing, remember this is your last week. Make sure you give your stuff away, you won't need it anymore."

I left. What a fucking lunatic. I have contimplated suicide before but shit I thought people were supposed to talk you out of it, not into it. I needed a drink. I went home got shitfaced and thought about it. Really, why not. Look at the way I live, I'm not far off from being off the streets myself. I finished the bottle. I missed work I slept for about 20 hours. Fuck it, why go to work. Why do anything. Hell why wait until next week. I walked to the store to get another bottle. I walked out of the store and ran right into him.

"Hey, drinking again, does that mean were down?"

"Whatever man, I don't care let's just go and finish this bottle." I slurred in between swigs. We walked over to the traintracks. I wasn't sure if trains still ran on these tracks or not. Not like it actually mattered at this point. "So how we gonna do it? You got a plan."

"I picked up something the other day," he pulled a 9mm pistol out of the back of his pants."I was gonna rob some people and see if the cops would shoot me or something."

"Why didn't you just shoot yourself?"

"I've tried but I can't fucking pull the trigger." He looked at me like that was my part in this. The whole reason he's been trying to get me to kill myself, he wanted me to kill him first. He nudged the gun my way. I tipped the bottle back and drank nearly a quarter of it in one gulp as I reached for it. As soon as it was in my hands he punched me square on the jaw and knocked me to the ground.

"What the fuck was that for?" I asked while spitting out blood and checking to see how much of my drink I spilled.

"Just to piss you off so you didn't chicken out. Come on bitch, shoot me!" I looked up at him as I was still down on one knee. I didn't want to kill anyone but myself. I took another long swig and held the gun to the bottom of my chin. He kicked me hard in the throat. I fell over and couldn't breath. I looked up as he lifted his foot above my face. I had no choice. I lifted the gun and shot him twice in the middle of the chest before I even thought about it. He fell to the ground, I never shot anyone or anything before. I scambled back away from his body, looking at it for any sign of life. Nothing. Tears began to roll down my face. I finished the bottle. There is nothing left. I held the gun to my chin but couldn't pull the trigger. "Fuck!!" I screamed into the night as I heard sirens in the distance, certainly coming to this location. I was running out of time, I pointed the gun at myself one last time and gritted down and pulled the trigger. Click. "What the fuck, click and no bang?" I did it again, "No more bullets, how the fuck you only gonna have 2 bullets you stupid fucker!" I screamed at his lifeless body. Then I heard it, I felt the rumbling. I saw the glorious light heading right towards me. There is a God and he just gave me a sign. I stood there with arms wide open, welcoming God's messenger.

Runnin my cum dumpsters about music

I finally talked HB into going to a concert during the work week. Thursday we will be driving up to Baltimore to see Action Action and The Matches. I've seen Action Action before it was a great show, you can click over there on the left to read it if you wish or forgot. They did a cover of a Nirvana song which normally I would be against but they did it justice and it sounded great. The Matches I haven't heard of intil the other day whan I looked them up. They sound pretty good too and then there is other bands Potugal, Classic Crime, Rediscover. Rediscover is actually from near my hometown. I can't find out who the band members are but chances are that I still don't know any of them. None of my friends have enough ambition to become famous, thats why I liked them. Though my buddy Matt is in a couple bands and is really talented, he can play any instrument. His band is Electro Cult Circus. But then again there is Chris's brother, his band is getting kind of famous The Seldon Plan which I have had over here to the left for a while. But whatever. Anyways we should be going to a show and it should be a good time. Sonar is cool, I've seen story of the year there as well as the Pixies. Both good shows, it is a smaller venue than the 930 club so that is always good. The only problem will be driving up there with traffic. But traffic pretty much sucks anywhere around 6pm, So we may need to leave fairly early but we can have fun. If I remember correctly the place wasn't far from Edgar Allen Poe's grave, remember when I was trying to catch the Poe Toaster? Here now do you? Maybe we can go check it out. Next year I will prevail. Anyways now I'm just making this post a million links for you to leave so check them out.

Lack of Enthusiasm

As many of you probably noticed I have lost enthusiasm. I think I have solved the mystery of why. I have always been a dark tortured soul and as much as I hated it, it gave me passion. Hate and loneliness suck but I guess you really get use to it. Now I am happy, perhaps not really with work or the fact that I don't really have friends or as much money as I want but none of that really matters with the fact that I am in love and am spending my time with HB. I've known that I can only write descriptively when I am in pain. As you can see below I can't tap into that core when I am not in that mood. I have 2 books of writings, one from high school about the rejection of cruel women and one from a little over a year ago that I bought when I was in the barracks drunk. Most still aren't like brilliant or anything but they definitely have feelings. I am mediocre at everything in life. I always dreamed of things being different, I would find the one thing that I am good at and that would lead to the better life. But I am now finally realizing that I will not be good at anything in paticular. I'm talking about abilities here because I am a loyal and dedicated friend and boyfriend. But it still sucks, I guess it is partly because I don't follow through anything. Guitar, I learned the begining of 3 songs and that was it. This is one thing that I really need to start back up. I've had an electric guitar since I was 16 but nothing and last year I bought an acoustic which I do play with a little more but it's just nothing that I can really create music on. I love music that would be great if I could actually make my own. I have tried lessons that is how I learned 2 of the 3 songs and that was it. Writing nothing more than 2 crappy books that has a few poems and then kind of journals written sparingly. I admit most is probably due to me being lazy but even if I tried it still wouldn't amount to anything more than a little hobby thing I do once in a while. Not leading to my dream life. Then we have HB who has so much talent, she can write, draw, she is smart as all hell and has a damn good work ethic and can pretty much do anything she wants to. All she needs to do is choose her path and she will florish at it. She has options. When she chooses what she wants to do, she needs to know that I will be with her 100% and am willing to help her any way I can to reach her goals. I have learned to accept my mediocracy but she doesn't have to settle. I will help her get what she deserves. She deserves the world and since I know that I won't be able to give it to her I will help her get it. She just needs to not stress about it, just think about what she wants and she will have it. I just hope that I will still be one of the things she will want. And I'm babbling so have a good weekend.

I'm Blue....

As always I need to copy people. If you go over to HB's page you will see a great story that she did for The Scheherazade Project and I am bored and nothing really extravigant happening in my life so I'd try to write a story. Be gentle with me I haven't attempted to write a story since high school.

Growing up I always knew I was different. I tried my best not to let the world see how truely different I was from everyone else. Yes I looked different on the outside but that was hard for me to cover up as a little one. I couldn't dye my hair or anything to try to conform to the rest of the population. Even my parent seemed ashamed to be associated with me. One thing I could hide was what was inside of me. At an early age I found out that emotions were for the weak. You can't have emotions when you look like I do. So after a few years of being tormented and crying myself to sleep every night I vowed to never shed a tear for myself again. Instead of tears running down my face, hate and discontentment ran into my soul. I went to school like everyone else, I faced a few others who tried to confront me but my size over them made it nothing more than name calling. A few I had to shove down or hit but most never tried anything physical with me. The females always ignored me. I wasn't their type. I didn't have the cool hair and I didn't act like an ass like the others. I just kept to myself and my few friends who I think just hung out with me for protection. But I didn't mind they were people to keep me occupied. A few of the popular girls would taunt me by getting my attention like they wanted to talk to me but when I'd go to approach them they'd throw shit at me. Every night I would dream of taking them to the middle of nowhere and trying them up and start cutting off pieces of limbs. Disecting them while they are alive. Let them feel the pain that I've felt for as long as I can remember. It got slightly better as I got older. I had a couple more friends who would do funky things to their hair. Dye it different colors, shave mohawks, grow it really long. I finally fit in with others. These others also shared the anguish that I felt towards the world. We would all talk about our dreams to destroy the rest for all the things they've put us through over the years. It seemed that most of the others were all talk. But I was still glad to have their company for the time being. I finally formulated my plan to take out all these people. I told everyone my plan, they agreed it was good but they wanted no part it in it. I was pissed but then I realized there was one person who would join me. She was young but she was even more different than me. A family found her wondering around and took her in. I've seen everyone laughing at her and throwing shit at her. She is the same as me. We are kinred spirits, we share the same soul. I ran to find her. I found her in the middle of an open field. I told her my plan, though she speaks a different language and I couldn't really understand her she seemed very excited and took the lead on the attack. "Yes, Revenge will be ours!" I screamed.

Is it Friday yet?

I hate Monday's. Work sucked and here I sit at my other job which is sucking but not quite as bad. All day I was running around working and shit and trying to make my officer happy by finding a mythalogical form that only exist in one instruction from a year and a half ago. I looked I bugged people and finally got the answer I wanted which is how to do the form properly. But I am pretty sure that tomorrow when I tell him that he won't be happy and will still want me to make this form myself by hand. At that point I my head will probably explode, either that of my fist will convuse rapidly into his face followed by my foot in his ass. I get to my other job here and they changed the locks on me, someone lost a key or something. Followed by me going to my usual workspace and no internet and no way of logging onto the network that has all of our shit on it. apparently on the 4th of July this place was struck by lightning and blew the network and they have been having to manually run new lines to fix it and they forgot about my poor computer. They said they'd try to do it tomorrow. I am tired as shit because I kept tossing and turning last night thinking about death, I'll continue that later.

This weekend was good, Saturday we woke up early and went to DC to the Haulocaust museum. which was interesting. I kind of got bored with it after a while though. It was cool looking at some of the stuff but I mean we've all heard the stories and seen the pictures before. My great grandfather was in the war and has told me the stories and showed me some of the pictures. It was him who started my sleepless night. He is 90 years old, he is great, happy, busy old man. Most 90 year olds are lying in bed waiting to die. He is out driving around trying to keep busy, fishing, having a couple beers, visiting friends and family. I'm sure he's probably gonna go soon, he has cancer, who knows where now I think last count was lungs and somewhere else. He refuses chemo(sp?) because last time they had to put him in a home and seeing him in the hospital was unbearable for me let alone for him. He likes to run about and keep busy. This man is always happy, when his wife died I think it was about 5 years ago he was sad I saw him shed a couple tears but then he was smiles, happy to see family and friends that came to the funeral. He makes the best of everything. He always comes over whenever I am in town, how often does someone get to see there great great grandson, we wanted to get a picture of all 5 generations together but his son, my grandpa is a dick and doesn't talk to anyone because his wife is a dirty cunt and they moved to Nevada and now alabama or somewhere. It would have been an awesome picture. But then my thoughts drifted to other grandparents and how hard it would be on me and what not. Then to my parents. Honestly I think I would have to take care of the other if one of my parents died. They both work to meet their bills and I don't think they would be able to make it without the others income. This scares the shit out of me. I have never seen my dad cry and I don't wanna imagine it, but I kept last night. It was crazy but I just couldn't stop it. I hope it's not a preminition or anything. But I guess we all have to go sometime, so I'm gonna go.

BLLAAAHHHHH!!!!

I don't know just blah. I came in late today around 11 and just realized that I get to go home soon, Dumbass truely is a dumbass. I took off yesterday when he finally showed up and he called me at 330 asking if I was coming back and I said no. He told me I need to let him know when I leave. I was like ok and hung up. He called me later and said that I could come in late today and he would take duty if I took it tomorrow, no biggie sure I'll sleep in a bit. But back to blah. I don't know if it contagious or what. Perhaps it's the rain, when it's not a monsoon outside it's just so fucking muggy from all the rain that I don't wannna move. I'm just so unmotivated to do anything but eat, sleep, and drink. Speaking of drink I made a pretty good blue rasberry martini last night. I figured I'd try it and it was goood. But back to whatever I was bitching about, oh yeah everything. But hopefully HB and I can have some fun this weekend, just us doing couples things, though I know my money is lowbut maybe go to DC if it's still standing after the flood, maybe so to the smithsonian or some shit, just hang out outside the house. Get out!! I need to call my buddy in New York maybe head up there towards the end of the month or so. I need to see him time just keeps ticking away, it's been way too long, is he still fat, is he still crazy, is he still a loud mouth, is he still full of himself. I am pretty sure the answer is yes to all of them but he could have lost weight. I'll call him this weekend. He is so funny and stupid, he got a job working with handicap kids,I think I may have said this on here before, but I called his cell and he was at work(with handicap kids) and he's saying "Dude I work with retards now" How dumb could you be to say retards at work, but apparently he's still there. He probably gets along well with them, they're on the same level of brain power. The only fear I have about going up there is since he's out I'm sure he smokes out and possibly does other drugs but I'm sure if I asked he wouldn't sit there and do it in front of us. When we were in Ohio I went to see an old friend that I have known since preschool but stopped hanging out before high school, so it had been about 10 years or so. Him and his brother light up in front of HB and I. How rude, but I didn't say much since it had been a long time I didn't feel it was my place to say anything since we were at his house, when the went to light the blunt I said we had to go. Poor HB, he was covering he mouth and nose with a jacket but they are a little slow on things like that.

HB has been stressin about where we'll be next year. I'm not too sure why, now that she seen where I am from I thought she'd see why I don't wanna go back. I mean yeah I love my family, at least most of them, and of course my son but I wouldn't be any good father living there, working at a fast food place and doing drugs. That's all there is. I've told her that I wouldn't mind moving to Texas with her. I her case it's the kid first because the kid is with her most the time. In my case, moving to be closer isn't the best for me or my son, now if the ex moved out of there too like she's been talking for God knows how long that would be great. At least in Texas I have one friend which is about all I have here now and he just got back from Iraq and is still settling back. To me it just doesn't seem as such a big deal. But she keeps saying "If we're still together" and that kind of bothers me a bit. I don't want to think of that scenerio. She needs to stop stressing about everything. I love her and will stand by her side whatever she decides. I will make my decisions. And my decision is to go smoke and then start doing a little work. Later. Oh yeah and if people haven't noticed Uncle Tom left to go to Korea and has a blog now, go listen to his stories!!

I'm back but maybe not mentally

So we are kid free now!! Let's recap the past couple days, shall we. So we went back to Ohio, my family loves HB, probably more than they love me, but thats cool. Only one of my aunts pissed her off but she kept her mouth shut until later and my mom agreed that she is a bitch and no one really likes her much anyway. We had a birthday party for my son, it was cool, we had a cookout and let the kids run amok and went swimming. We came back early, we left at noon on Monday cause I wanted to see Zefyur who was in town from the desert but we didn't get home til 8pm and he was too tired and had to get up really early for a flight, I was kind of pissed, I wanted to see him and left early to see him and he could sleep on the plane, but it was his choice so I let it go after bitchin a bit. I still love him and will still send him more porn, a blowup penis and sheep once HB has her sex party thing and I can order them. Yesterday I laid around all day in my boxers except I had to get dressed to go get a plunger because my toilet broke. Don't go to Bed bath and beyond for plungers, I just wanted a regular one but they only had fancy $20 ones. I was a little pissed but it did the job. Now I am back at work running in circles about to have an aneurysm. People are fucking stupid and piss me off. It started this morning I went to play with Liquid nitrogen and the piled shit in front of the door on palets so I threw them all over the place to get them out of my way, then finally put up signs that say don't block, we'll see if that works, probably not. Then my officer comes bitching about meters and it's always funny when he talks about them because I have no idea what he's talking about. He goes so fast talking about AN/PDR-70's and IM-265PDQ's with DT-680/PDQ probes. Now most of you probably have glazed over eyes and are scratching your head while drooling, yeah I do the same thing. I've only dealt with a couple meters and don't remember all those, so I just nod and pretend I know what he's talking about and then go get the list and say "yep, they need sent out" Then run back and forth to find them. Fun shit! Dumbass called me last night to say that his car broke down in Richmond and he had to wait until today to get a rental car and won't be in til this afternoon. I don't think he's smart enough to think of this all by himself so a buddy probably told him to tell me that before he got too drunk. If I was in charge of him, instead of the other way around, I'd tell him to go to greyhound and by a fucking bus ticket and be waiting for me when I get to work. He's such a piece of shit it makes me nauseous. I'm really close to ratting him out, especially since I'm leaving soon. Fuck him! I'm here every morning usually by 630, he comes in around 8 if I'm lucky but usually close to 9 or 10 and leaves early, I try to leave early but because I have another job. When I got off leave and did that pile of shit on my desk I put them on his desk to file, they are still there, he doesn't do shit when he's here except fucking watch movies and surf the net and leave. I just want to kick him in the head. I'm leaving when he gets here, he can fucking do duty everyday. That's the most work he'll ever do, wait til everyone leaves and make sure the fucking doors are locked, but he'll probably fuck that up to. Fuck, my blood pressure is probably through the roof now, I need to stop thinking about it, off to smoke it off.