Season Finale

With all the season finales on tv I can't help but think of this being my season finale. One chapter closing and wondering what is going to happen next season. This really probably will be my last post for a while, today is my last day at work, they will be picking up my stuff including my computer tomorrow. Just like watching them on tv I feel a mix of emotions, how could it end like this, why are there still so many questions left open, kind of angry, kind of sad, kind of excited. I am hopeful. I will continue to work on myself and my relationship with my son. I do feel alot better, I don't know if its the books I've been reading, the meditation tapes I've been listening to while falling asleep, or the fact that I have been working out again, harder than before. I will get the body I want this summer or die trying. Seriously, I will not be working, I will just be playing with my son, there is a weight bench in my parents basement, I can have some time everyday to actually work out and I will make sure I do it! I have to look good, it will help me feel better about myself, it will help keep my mind busy, it will make a difference. With that I will also try to quit smoking or at least cut back dramatically at first. I know that with the stresses of moving it may take me a while but that is next on the list. So I guess this is it for now. See you next season!

Funny shit

So I usually sit down and eat and play on addictinggames.com during my lunch break well today they had this "game" whack your soul mate. For the guy I think the best is a toss up between the computer and airplane, the funniest of all is defianetly the fist, but thats the girls.

Whack Your Soul Mate

Apparently the pic and stuff doesn't work but click the link and play with it, it's hilarious!

My newest addiction

Obviously I mentioned before reading a couple self help books well I think I am getting addicted to them. They are really interesting and helpful to me. Plus reading helps distract me and helps pass the time. I mentioned to HB today that she was lucky she had friends here, she accused me of trying to make her feel guilty. I have never tried intentionally to make her feel guilty. It just really sucks right now. I really don't have any friends here other than her. Uncle Tom is here for a little while but he is busy trying to see everyone and spend time with his wife he hasn't been with for a while before they move to England. I have just been really bored and lonely. I feel bad for asking her if I can go with her when she goes to see friends, she invited me to dinner a couple days ago, that was nice but I just want to get out of the house and it doesn't help to get out by myself. Its not like I can go to a bar or club, I don't know how to dance and I don't want to drink and I would just end up sitting by myself and feeling worse. Then again maybe she feels awkward with me just being around. I have done good and stopped trying to kiss her or telling her I love her, that doesn't mean I don't still want to but I have finally managed to stop because I knew that she didn't like it. The books and everything has helped me from telling myself that it's the end of the world. It hurts and will hurt but I will keep going. The other day I actually went for a run around the block just to get out, anyone who knows me knows I hate running but I may try to start every once in a while, it was kind of relaxing. Last night I went for a walk in the rain, it has been a long time since I've done that, it was a little colder than I would have liked but I went to the park and sat on the swings remembered funner times when we would play at the park, it was so quiet and peaceful. I liked it. But I am just trying to find things to keep me busy so I don't sit around and make myself depressed since I don't have friends here. I walked down to best buy and the grocery store earlier, it helped kill an hour. Well maybe there's something on tv now...

Pain...why...

Last night Uncle Tom, Canowine, and myself went to a show in DC, it wasn't as great as the other shows we've been to but it was nice for all of us to hang out again. Maybe I'll post about the concert laster, I don't feel like it right now. I just need to do something so I figured why not type. I am just too depressed, I am fucking lonely, even when they were here it was a nice distraction and I enjoyed the time but my mind is still always elsewhere. This is too hard. Tomorrow HB is taking her kid back to Texas, so I will never see him again. I know that my relationship with him was pretty bad and the main reason that HB and I aren't together but I still love him. I have watched him grow, seen him learn, and I'm really gonna miss him as much as HB. I guess I just can't appreciate things until they are gone. Not only am I losing a woman that I love, and my best friend, but I am losing a child that I have grown attached to, which is something that HB feared would happen from the start. But here I sit and the urge to drink is definately there but I just keep drinking water instead and smoking a lot. I know smoking is probably just as bad but whatever, I may try to quit eventually, I have too many problems to tackle them all at once. I truely don't know what to do. And for some reason I torture myself thinking about how HB will have no problem distracting herself from the thought of me when she leaves. Guys stare and hit on her where ever she goes. She will be able to find a guy in a day to go out with or just hook up with to help forget about me. And I can't even approach anyone to ask for a phone number or whatever, not that I am really too interested in trying to find a relationship again but I need something to distract me, something to not feel this lonely. Maybe thats why I kept asking her to consider this a break instead of a break up because I know she will move on and I will be stuck only thinking of her. I try so hard not to, I really do but my mind goes back to her and I try to think of something else and it always goes back. Especially when I try to fall asleep. It kinda makes me think of Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind, is it really better to have loved and lost. Right now I really can't decide, I loved the time we spent together and the great memories but this pain is almost unbearable. If only there was a magic button or something to stop it. Numbness or pain, why can't I just feel content, why can't I just live in the right now. Why why why why, so many why questions that no one can answer.

Call it Karma

I have been siting and looking back and analyzing the past again like I usually do when my life goes bad. It really sucks, but I should have known. As I have said thousands of times forever doesn't exist. The talk about forever or even a lifetime is always just talk. Yet I always fall for the line. I mean what I say, I always have, I am not a guy to say something to just get what I want, all I really have is my word and I do everything possible to keep it. But I have to learn not to rely on others to keep theirs. I know I have things about myself that are a problem as I have stated on here. Drinking is the biggest I feel. It is my scapegoat, Hell since all this has been going down I thats all I really want to do. For the most part I think why the hell not, who really gives a shit. But it is I who needs to give a shit. I need to learn to respect myself and my body and not poison it just to feel slightly better for a little while. I can't hide from my problems. Luckily when I go back I will have my son to help keep me sober because if not it would just become like when I lived in the barracks, alone, bored and lonely, reasons to get drunk. I am trying not to be so pessimistic about the rest of my life but it is just hard. Its hard to live a good life back there, there isn't much money, there isn't much to do, and there just isn't enough people to meet. I know that life goes on, I will meet someone new and whatever. I have to keep myself open though or else it will just be like here where my friends leave and I do nothing to make new ones and am left alone. Always alone, with reason, so I don't feel the pain that I have been feeling. Why do I open my heart and give it away so freely. Who knows. I have been doing good about the anger. I haven't really got upset lately, by not worrying about other people being assholes. I've been just trying to only worry about me. I need to learn to be selfish, its just harder than I thought. I care to much about other people. I know I've posted these lyrics before but I love the song and it is pretty fitting as usual, it should become the theme song of my life! I don't just mean with HB or anyone in particular it my whole life, friends, work everything that I get comfortable with and seek that routine for security and comfort is always shaken up or taken and I crash and burn. Then I am forced to rebuild myself all over again and become more sinister and angry at life. I need to learn not to rely on the world or people around me to be me.

Silverstein- "Call It Karma"

Blame it on the weather, but I'm a mess
And this February darkness has me hating everyone
And I know I need your comfort, but this drama makes me sick
And the longer I lay here I know it's harder to get up
without you

Lose another day here
Lose another year here
I'm with you

Find me something out there that's making sense
And it's just another trend carefully hidden in your dress
And the cycles neverending and the fashions overdone
And the further that I run away, the further I'll come back
to shelter...

You are the fire on my apartment floor
Sixteen stories, I'd rather burn than fall
It isn't fate that took us all by storm,
It's just the turn of a card

Goodbye, old friend
Goodbye, goodnight
I'll move on
You'll call it fate, I'll call it karma
We had our time, it was fun
while it lasted

I'll look back with honor
and no regrets
I won't be mad, won't feel bad
These memories will never leave me
Don't be sad
cause life goes on, life goes on
It's getting too late
Tomorrow is here

New Apartment

So while I was home I got to see the apartment I'll be living in when I move back home. I don't read my own blog so I forget if I mentioned my parents live in/own a duplex. I will be living in the apartment upstairs. It is bigger and kinda nicer than the one I was living in when I met HB. It is a fixer upper. There were leaks from the roof, it had been empty for over a year and my parents never went up there. So there was mold, they are cleaning it, there are water spots on the ceiling that I will need to paint eventually. There were nails all over the walls. I don't mean like they had a lot of pictures, I mean big long nails covering a couple walls. The ones in the kitchen dad said they hung their pots on. In the living room there was a picture of Jesus that I said was coming down. Mom got upset with me and asked why, I told her I was atheist, apparently I have never mentioned this to them. She told me that I wasn't. I laughed, they probably can't remember the last time they ever went to church and they are gonna try to tell me my beliefs. But that was about the end of that conversation. I think I can make the place look pretty nice, it is only a one bedroom so I will have to share with my son, but I usually did when I was back there anyway, it just sucks cause he makes funny sounds when he sleeps and it annoys me and keeps me awake. The only good thing is I really don't have to pay rent but I know my parents need extra money so I will probably give what I can until I find a job. I still have no clue what I am going to or even what I want to do, the strategy is to send my resume and fill out applications online for state jobs that interest me and the first one to hire me is what I'll do. I just want some good money and benefits. If I don't like the job I'll work until I find another one. I do want to go back to school but it is kinda pointless when if I go for my radiation stuff, even with a degree I probably won't find a job doing it close to there. So who knows, if I find something I like I may go to school for it. But besides that nothing new so far, just going day by day. Hopefully Uncle Tom will come over and hang out sometime in the next week and Canowine might come down for a show or something, one last horrah I guess. Well hope everyone has a good weekend, we may go down and see the joint service air show at Andrews, it sounded pretty cool, I never saw one.

Thank You and Happy Birthday (tomorrow)

At first I was angry, then i was sad, but truth be told I was scared about a lot of things before you broke up with me. I have complained about the fact that my dad never really had fatherly talks with me, my dad hardly played with me. Every once in a while we would play basketball or throw a baseball around but he worked long hours most of the time and we never had a chance to do those fun things. Since deciding to move to Texas I just kept telling myself that if I didn't follow my heart then I would blame my son for it. If I was happy he would be happy. I'd still get to see him during the summers. But that isn't fair to him. It isn't fair to you and your son. I think a lot of my anger towards your son had to do with control, I felt like I should have control, I am the dominate male or whatever. Which of course shouldn't be the way to act around a child, but I think also I was mad just because it wasn't my son. I do love him but he just wasn't mine. God I feel like there are so many things to thank you for. You've helped me realize that this anger isn't normal, that I don't need to be this way. Hell just from reading 2 books and being aware of it, I feel tons better. Though I will still go to some classes just to be sure and get an expert opinion. You have become my best friend, I confided pretty much all of my secrets that I know of to you. I loved when we would just lie in bed and talk about whatever. Because of losing you I've realized that my alcohol problem is a little more than I thought and that it isn't a proper way to solve any problems. I shouldn't try to numb myself to whatever I feel, just feel it and accept it and let it pass. I have learned that not all break ups have to be so brutal. You taught me a love that I never knew existed. You gave me so many wonderful memories. You've given me self-confidence, how could I not being with such a hottie! I've learned that not all compliments are sarcastic or have a hidden meaning, even though we would "argue" about it. I learned to open myself up completely to another, something I have never really done. I learned that flaws can be comical, such as my IBS. I've learned it's ok to tell someone what you are tuely thinking. You are a wonderful person, you deserve to be treated well, you deserve to be pampered. You shouldn't get down on yourself, you should know how hot you are even if it is annoying the way guys stare and follow you. Those guys don't even deserve your attention. Have high hopes, set your standards high, you deserve it. And thank you for coming into my life, you have changed it all for the better. I am glad to have been privileged enough to know you and especially grateful to have earned your love. Happy birthday HB! I know this year isn't as good as last when you got to meet Jared Leto, but i still hope you have fun and a good time!

Well lets start with one issue and go from there. One week ago today I posted about how this break up with HB was similar to death. I still somewhat believe that, it is the death of a relationship, though hopefully it will continue to be a friendship. At the end of the post and stages of death is acceptance. I said yeah right I wouldn't accept this. Why would I say that. I thought this was a great injustice. This was someone I really cared about with all my soul. But in reality I have already come to accept it. There are things that are really hard with us living together still but I have accepted that things will be slightly difficult. We do still care about each other, we are still attracted to each other, we still have needs as humans, and we still have habits that we are so used to. One main thing is that I still want to kiss her. She says its awkward since we are not "dating" anymore. But why should we deprive ourselves of things we like, when its not really wrong or harming anyone. We aren't dating other people, it isn't going to change the fact that we aren't dating or that we will be living so far away. I understand about trying not to confuse me or herself but there isn't much to confuse, its not going to change anything. Yes I am still sad and scared, but I now understand that it's ok to feel that way but not to let it inhibit me from anything. Definately don't let it make me drown myself in alcohol. It does suck, but it has also helped me along with my book to realize, that I need to go back and be with my son. I try to talk to her but I usually end up sounding like a broken record. Hell I can barely remember what I've posted on here and my thought all feel like I've already typed them before. My mind has been thinking through everything lately. Analyzing and forgiving most of my actions. We are all human, we make mistakes. We learn from our mistakes and move on. Sorry I'm tired and lost track. Hope everyone has a good week. I have to drive back to Ohio this week, my son is having his first school play, I can't miss it.

Let go

I never seem to let go of anything. I keep everything inside as reminders. HB usually uses the term she may forgive but she'll never forget, and I am the same way. I assume because one person ended up doing something to me in the past that they will always be that way. Which usually isn't to bad of an assumption except that if you don't express yourself to the person that hurt you they might not realize it. They may not have done it on pourpose. I certainly never meant to hurt her or her son but I have. Should I be forgivin for it, maybe, I wasn't trying to be an ass. Should I continue to punish myself for the things I've said and done, No. People do and say things, that part can't be changed. But thankfully the problem has been brought to my attention and because they both mean so much to me, it helped me realize that it is an ongoing problem that I need to recongnize myself. Beating myself up about won't change the situation nor make me a better person for it. If anything all it will do is make me worse off just like everything before. I have come to many realizations over the past couple years and I have changed myself to be a better person but that still doesn't make me the best person I can be. I have always considered myself an asshole, a freak, a loner. But why. Truely I am a very nice guy. I tried my best to treat HB the way she deserved, like a queen on a pedestal. Now that is far from being an asshole. I would do anything for any of my friends, even those who I may not consider my best buds. I have helped many frinds move and do whatever I could to help even friends of friends. But I still constantly put myself down and thought that because I saw myself in such a bad way everyone else must see me as worthless too. Thus the times where I really needed help I wasn't able to ask for it. Why should people help me? Why did I give up as my friends left the area, why didn't I go out and meet new friends. Well probably because I am afraid of making new friends, I am afraid that everyone sees me the way I see me. This is a very bad way to be. How can I build self confidence if I never try anything. I have blamed God, karma, said the world is against me, because I have a distorted view of the reality around me. All I see are the bad parts of life that I've held onto since they happened. I let a driver cutting me off on the way to work or home ruin the rest of my day because I sit on the anger. Instead of letting go of it. Did it really do anything to me. I wasn't hurt, there wasn't an accident. Maybe they didn't see me, shit happens. I hate to keep bringing up deaths but we do all eventually die. Life is a series of moments, why should any of us keep focusing on the bad ones. Why can't we just let the bad happen, move on and try to make happier times. Why do I keep focusing on the fact that HB and I are over instead of being happy that I met someone as great as her. Be happy that she brought me to the point I am at now. How she made me feel the love that I feel, the happiness I felt. Remember the great times that we shared. It feels like the end of the world but it is not. She will continue to hold a place in my heart. Hopefully we can remain good friends. I have tried to expreass my feelings with her during the relationship but now I realize that I need to express my feelings with everyone about everything instead of just getting mad and storing it for later. I need to stop worrying that me expressing my feelings are being a wuss or not macho. I've never really been that macho to begin with so why use that as an excuse. If people don't like the way I am or how I feel then they don't really need to be around me. And no one is to blame some people just don't mesh together, life still goes on. But at least I won't keep worrying about other people perception.

I'm Angry

Well if any of my older readers saw this title they would probably wonder what else was new. I am always angry. I have anger problems. I bought a book today, Beyond Anger, A Guide for Men. Now I am a pretty slow reader and have only read 1/4 of it so far but am pretty confident that I will finish it probably by tomorrow. I have been researching things that have caused me to well be the person I am today. Its not that I have had a bad life but here I sit, alone. I never had many friends, even fewer true friends. I have had fun but it was usually short lived. Here I sit reading this book that is describing my life. It talks about the different degrees of anger and rage that I have felt since I could remember. How and why I always keep everything bottled up and keep people out. Over the years I have gotten better but am still not to where I need to be to live a happy life. I am reluctant to talk let alone post about many parts of my life but for the sake ok gettin it out of me I will post it now.

I don't remember much of my childhood being a small child. I mostly remember getting in trouble for stealing things from family members, kind of a bad thing to be my earliest memory. My parents fought a lot. The would scream and throw things and my mom would get me out of bed at night and take me to her friends house where we would sleep on many occasions. When I would get in trouble for things I would get spanked which I still think wasn't all that bad, most of what I can remember was deserved and not really excessive. I've always claimed to be neglected, but maybe that wasn't actually the case. Perhaps they just never really asked me how I felt about things and since they never asked I didn't want to burden them with my problems since they had enough on their own. I learned to bottle up everything and just let it be instead of expressing my hurt, anger, depression, or whatever. Because I carried all these emotions around with me I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around. I had 2 or 3 friends. Then if any girl showed any interest in me, I'd go into overkill mode and talk about being together forever when I'm 10 or however old I was. Then scare them off. Then be depressed because I can't measure up to anyones expectations. I would get full of rage. I remember my first kiss. I remember I started calling her everyday, this was like 4th or 5th grade. She told me to stop calling. I went out and boxed a thorn bush and a water tank thing. Another girl, another boxing match with an inatimate object. I never talked to anyone about any of it, not even my couple friends. I'd just hold it until it slowly faded into the background. As I got older I realized drugs were an easy escape from the pain and reality. Then I have a baby and stop doing the drugs. With baby momma though the rage between us was BAD, it was just like what I watched with my mom and dad as a kid. We would scream and throw things. I am pretty sure I never told a soul but I used to be so angry at my son as a baby. He costed money, I had to work crappy jobs to try to support my family, he took away my dreams. I remember once he just kept crying, wouldn't stop and I shove the pacifier in his mouth so hard it cut his gums. I was just so furious. Then I ended up joining the military. A year away, time to think, time for myself to continue to punish myself for acts such as that. Thinking everyday he is gonna remember that day. Then family finally gets to move here with me. Things were ok for a little while but then everything went back to fighting. When my son would act up or not listen I would spank him excessively, a couple time leaving welts on his but for about a week. I am crying now while typing this but I must get rid of this burden... I even choked him once because he wouldn't stop crying. He was only 2 or 3. How could I do this to my own child. I wasn't drunk, I wasn't on anything but was just furious, nothing was going my way and I just did it. I still can't believe it, I have blocked it out since that day. I had to lock myself in the bathroom for about an hour because I feared for his safety. I didn't even realize that I was doing it. His mom wasn't there, no one ever knew. When she finally left me, thats when the drinking really started. It numbed the pain. Not so much the pain of losing her, but the pain of losing my son. Even though I couldn't stand being around him much I wanted to learn to be better. And I did a little. I have not spanked him since they left. I try my best to watch the verbal attacks to. With me being this way to my own son how could I expect to deal with someone elses kid. I met HB a couple years later. I was a different person or so I thought. My anger has gotten better over the years since then. I am not a violent person. With her I tried to do everything in my power to be completely open, honest, and talk about my feelings with her unlike what I did with my ex. I wanted everyones feelings to be out and free of resentment. Everything was great even with her son there. When he went to his dads, we had my son for a little bit and some anger issues arouse which I did post about. I talked to HB about them a bit and tried to keep from carrying the burden. Then we had time alone, no kids, just us running around loving each other. I felt so free and happy. Then her son came back. He was a little older and a little mouthier. I tried to talk to HB about how I flet but she felt like I was attacking her child. So I stopped talking about it. The burden was back inside. I started yelling at him. She would get mad at me. I would get angry with her for being mad at me. Instead of talking about it, it just kept building until she had to choose her son. Which I don't resent in any way. I completely understand. But I know the relationship ended because of this anger, that I never really leaned how to express other than yelling and throwing things. Then when I did tried to talk about it, my opinion and feelings were resented so I reverted back to keeping them inside instead of just finding another outlet to point these feeling to get them out.

I am getting help, I am reading, researching, finding out how to get anger management classes and therapy when I go back to Ohio. I just with I could salvage HB and I's relationship. I will keep trying in hopes that she will want to. She says she can't force me to change, but I want to change, look at what I've done, and this is only the bad stuff there are many smaller things. I've just been afraid to get help. If I tell anyone what I did to my son they would take him away from me. If I talked to people in the military I would be kicked out or something bad would happen to me. But the truth is because I didn't seek help I only made things worse. Those "punishments" would have gotten me the help I needed and then things would have gotten better for me and my relationship with my son and eventually my relationship with HB. Last time I was in Ohio I had a talk with my parents about me being the bad guy with my son. I told them I am tired of it, her trying to get me mad so I yell at him on the phone for him to listen and act right. I am done. And now I will be getting the help to keep me from breaking that promise.

To be continued....

Stages of Death

I don't want a pity party, I just want to write.

It feels like a doctor just told me I only have a couple weeks to live. I have a brain tumor or something that will be sure to end my days the begining of June. stage 1 Denial, this only lasted a few seonds, I knew it was true. But maybe I heard wrong. Nope. Stage 2 Anger. I have always been a pretty angry person. I do probably need anger managment classes and to sit and take them seriously. I wanted to smash everything, but thankfully over years of doing that I realized it doesn't help. I feel good for those couple of minutes and then spend hours cleaning up my mess and then having to buy new stuff, not worth it. But my damn hair in my face collecting my tears and snot as it ran out, that I can get rid of. I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the front of my hair off. Then I went up and got the clipper. They weren't working right and the attachment fell off and I got a bald spot so then I continued to shave my head. My favotie Homer glass did fall of the stand while I was drinking, that upset me. I really liked the glass and didn't want to break it but shit happens. Stage 3 Barganing. I was upset at first and tried to just ignore it. But in thinking all of this time. I can't take this lying down. I have to try, but with so little time there is no way to change before then. All I can do is promise that I can get the help I need. If there is that small chance to stay together. This is something that means a lot to me, it is something I have to at least try to save. I can't just let it go. Stage 4 Depression, this step pretty much started upon hearing the news. I can't eat, I only slept this weekend because I was drunk as shit. But I wasn't drunk last night so I cried myself to sleep. I can't remember the last time I did that, I was probably really young. With my Ex wife, yeah I was hurt and sad but we didn't get along, I knew it was for the better, the only real reason I was with her was for the kid. But this time I truely believe we are meant for each other, if I only I'd gotten help sooner instead of putting it off. Sorry to lose my analogy. I don't know if I will ever get past this stage. I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine kissing or touching another woman. I don't want another woman, I want her. I don't want to imagine my life without her in it. I can't! Stage 5 Acceptance, yeah we'll see if I ever get to that stage.

Perhaps my last post

I may come up with a few things but doubt it will be anything worth reading. SO HB and I have to call it quits. I may go into it but don't think she would want me to, lets just say our parenting styles conflict and it is better for her kid if I am not around. So sometime at the begining of next month I will go back to Ohio and she will go on to Texas. I should have known better than to dream of a life outside of Ohio. I will go back and work a crappy job and be stuck barely getting by just like I knew I was destined to. I will try to find a good job but it's probably not gonna happen. SO I changed my side bar to how long HB and I lasted. And I just shaved my head. I was getting tired of my long hair and my clipper attachments weren't workin so I ended up bald. I don't think I even got any pics of my hair but oh well. Off to get drunk as shit. Later all. 561 days HB was stuck with me. Happy cinco de mayo!