Pain...why...

Last night Uncle Tom, Canowine, and myself went to a show in DC, it wasn't as great as the other shows we've been to but it was nice for all of us to hang out again. Maybe I'll post about the concert laster, I don't feel like it right now. I just need to do something so I figured why not type. I am just too depressed, I am fucking lonely, even when they were here it was a nice distraction and I enjoyed the time but my mind is still always elsewhere. This is too hard. Tomorrow HB is taking her kid back to Texas, so I will never see him again. I know that my relationship with him was pretty bad and the main reason that HB and I aren't together but I still love him. I have watched him grow, seen him learn, and I'm really gonna miss him as much as HB. I guess I just can't appreciate things until they are gone. Not only am I losing a woman that I love, and my best friend, but I am losing a child that I have grown attached to, which is something that HB feared would happen from the start. But here I sit and the urge to drink is definately there but I just keep drinking water instead and smoking a lot. I know smoking is probably just as bad but whatever, I may try to quit eventually, I have too many problems to tackle them all at once. I truely don't know what to do. And for some reason I torture myself thinking about how HB will have no problem distracting herself from the thought of me when she leaves. Guys stare and hit on her where ever she goes. She will be able to find a guy in a day to go out with or just hook up with to help forget about me. And I can't even approach anyone to ask for a phone number or whatever, not that I am really too interested in trying to find a relationship again but I need something to distract me, something to not feel this lonely. Maybe thats why I kept asking her to consider this a break instead of a break up because I know she will move on and I will be stuck only thinking of her. I try so hard not to, I really do but my mind goes back to her and I try to think of something else and it always goes back. Especially when I try to fall asleep. It kinda makes me think of Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind, is it really better to have loved and lost. Right now I really can't decide, I loved the time we spent together and the great memories but this pain is almost unbearable. If only there was a magic button or something to stop it. Numbness or pain, why can't I just feel content, why can't I just live in the right now. Why why why why, so many why questions that no one can answer.