Stages of Death

I don't want a pity party, I just want to write.

It feels like a doctor just told me I only have a couple weeks to live. I have a brain tumor or something that will be sure to end my days the begining of June. stage 1 Denial, this only lasted a few seonds, I knew it was true. But maybe I heard wrong. Nope. Stage 2 Anger. I have always been a pretty angry person. I do probably need anger managment classes and to sit and take them seriously. I wanted to smash everything, but thankfully over years of doing that I realized it doesn't help. I feel good for those couple of minutes and then spend hours cleaning up my mess and then having to buy new stuff, not worth it. But my damn hair in my face collecting my tears and snot as it ran out, that I can get rid of. I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut the front of my hair off. Then I went up and got the clipper. They weren't working right and the attachment fell off and I got a bald spot so then I continued to shave my head. My favotie Homer glass did fall of the stand while I was drinking, that upset me. I really liked the glass and didn't want to break it but shit happens. Stage 3 Barganing. I was upset at first and tried to just ignore it. But in thinking all of this time. I can't take this lying down. I have to try, but with so little time there is no way to change before then. All I can do is promise that I can get the help I need. If there is that small chance to stay together. This is something that means a lot to me, it is something I have to at least try to save. I can't just let it go. Stage 4 Depression, this step pretty much started upon hearing the news. I can't eat, I only slept this weekend because I was drunk as shit. But I wasn't drunk last night so I cried myself to sleep. I can't remember the last time I did that, I was probably really young. With my Ex wife, yeah I was hurt and sad but we didn't get along, I knew it was for the better, the only real reason I was with her was for the kid. But this time I truely believe we are meant for each other, if I only I'd gotten help sooner instead of putting it off. Sorry to lose my analogy. I don't know if I will ever get past this stage. I can't imagine, I don't want to imagine kissing or touching another woman. I don't want another woman, I want her. I don't want to imagine my life without her in it. I can't! Stage 5 Acceptance, yeah we'll see if I ever get to that stage.