Let go

I never seem to let go of anything. I keep everything inside as reminders. HB usually uses the term she may forgive but she'll never forget, and I am the same way. I assume because one person ended up doing something to me in the past that they will always be that way. Which usually isn't to bad of an assumption except that if you don't express yourself to the person that hurt you they might not realize it. They may not have done it on pourpose. I certainly never meant to hurt her or her son but I have. Should I be forgivin for it, maybe, I wasn't trying to be an ass. Should I continue to punish myself for the things I've said and done, No. People do and say things, that part can't be changed. But thankfully the problem has been brought to my attention and because they both mean so much to me, it helped me realize that it is an ongoing problem that I need to recongnize myself. Beating myself up about won't change the situation nor make me a better person for it. If anything all it will do is make me worse off just like everything before. I have come to many realizations over the past couple years and I have changed myself to be a better person but that still doesn't make me the best person I can be. I have always considered myself an asshole, a freak, a loner. But why. Truely I am a very nice guy. I tried my best to treat HB the way she deserved, like a queen on a pedestal. Now that is far from being an asshole. I would do anything for any of my friends, even those who I may not consider my best buds. I have helped many frinds move and do whatever I could to help even friends of friends. But I still constantly put myself down and thought that because I saw myself in such a bad way everyone else must see me as worthless too. Thus the times where I really needed help I wasn't able to ask for it. Why should people help me? Why did I give up as my friends left the area, why didn't I go out and meet new friends. Well probably because I am afraid of making new friends, I am afraid that everyone sees me the way I see me. This is a very bad way to be. How can I build self confidence if I never try anything. I have blamed God, karma, said the world is against me, because I have a distorted view of the reality around me. All I see are the bad parts of life that I've held onto since they happened. I let a driver cutting me off on the way to work or home ruin the rest of my day because I sit on the anger. Instead of letting go of it. Did it really do anything to me. I wasn't hurt, there wasn't an accident. Maybe they didn't see me, shit happens. I hate to keep bringing up deaths but we do all eventually die. Life is a series of moments, why should any of us keep focusing on the bad ones. Why can't we just let the bad happen, move on and try to make happier times. Why do I keep focusing on the fact that HB and I are over instead of being happy that I met someone as great as her. Be happy that she brought me to the point I am at now. How she made me feel the love that I feel, the happiness I felt. Remember the great times that we shared. It feels like the end of the world but it is not. She will continue to hold a place in my heart. Hopefully we can remain good friends. I have tried to expreass my feelings with her during the relationship but now I realize that I need to express my feelings with everyone about everything instead of just getting mad and storing it for later. I need to stop worrying that me expressing my feelings are being a wuss or not macho. I've never really been that macho to begin with so why use that as an excuse. If people don't like the way I am or how I feel then they don't really need to be around me. And no one is to blame some people just don't mesh together, life still goes on. But at least I won't keep worrying about other people perception.