Call it Karma

I have been siting and looking back and analyzing the past again like I usually do when my life goes bad. It really sucks, but I should have known. As I have said thousands of times forever doesn't exist. The talk about forever or even a lifetime is always just talk. Yet I always fall for the line. I mean what I say, I always have, I am not a guy to say something to just get what I want, all I really have is my word and I do everything possible to keep it. But I have to learn not to rely on others to keep theirs. I know I have things about myself that are a problem as I have stated on here. Drinking is the biggest I feel. It is my scapegoat, Hell since all this has been going down I thats all I really want to do. For the most part I think why the hell not, who really gives a shit. But it is I who needs to give a shit. I need to learn to respect myself and my body and not poison it just to feel slightly better for a little while. I can't hide from my problems. Luckily when I go back I will have my son to help keep me sober because if not it would just become like when I lived in the barracks, alone, bored and lonely, reasons to get drunk. I am trying not to be so pessimistic about the rest of my life but it is just hard. Its hard to live a good life back there, there isn't much money, there isn't much to do, and there just isn't enough people to meet. I know that life goes on, I will meet someone new and whatever. I have to keep myself open though or else it will just be like here where my friends leave and I do nothing to make new ones and am left alone. Always alone, with reason, so I don't feel the pain that I have been feeling. Why do I open my heart and give it away so freely. Who knows. I have been doing good about the anger. I haven't really got upset lately, by not worrying about other people being assholes. I've been just trying to only worry about me. I need to learn to be selfish, its just harder than I thought. I care to much about other people. I know I've posted these lyrics before but I love the song and it is pretty fitting as usual, it should become the theme song of my life! I don't just mean with HB or anyone in particular it my whole life, friends, work everything that I get comfortable with and seek that routine for security and comfort is always shaken up or taken and I crash and burn. Then I am forced to rebuild myself all over again and become more sinister and angry at life. I need to learn not to rely on the world or people around me to be me.

Silverstein- "Call It Karma"

Blame it on the weather, but I'm a mess
And this February darkness has me hating everyone
And I know I need your comfort, but this drama makes me sick
And the longer I lay here I know it's harder to get up
without you

Lose another day here
Lose another year here
I'm with you

Find me something out there that's making sense
And it's just another trend carefully hidden in your dress
And the cycles neverending and the fashions overdone
And the further that I run away, the further I'll come back
to shelter...

You are the fire on my apartment floor
Sixteen stories, I'd rather burn than fall
It isn't fate that took us all by storm,
It's just the turn of a card

Goodbye, old friend
Goodbye, goodnight
I'll move on
You'll call it fate, I'll call it karma
We had our time, it was fun
while it lasted

I'll look back with honor
and no regrets
I won't be mad, won't feel bad
These memories will never leave me
Don't be sad
cause life goes on, life goes on
It's getting too late
Tomorrow is here