Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Mom, Dad, Death

Last night traffic sucked driving home from my other job. I was going between 20-30 mph for I don't remember how long and stopping and going. I fell into a trance, perhaps it was because of the music I was listening to(an old mix CD) but I started thinking about my relationship with my parents and my son, and death. One of the songs was Ugly Kid Joe's version of Cats in the Cradle. I thought about how my dad and I were never close and how we should go to the bar when I go home and have a couple beers and talk. But I don't know really how to talk to him about how I feel and stuff. Then I thought about writing him a letter but that won't work. I mean what I want to say is far from bad, just let him know that even though we were never close, that I still love him and see alot of good traits that I have from him and wonder why mom got so mad at him at times and shit like that. Then I thought, what if he died and I never got to say all this shit to him. I'm sure he knows how I feel, like I said I am like him and he doesn't talk about shit like that and neither do I. BUt I feel that I should. Then I thought about KId Rock's My Oedipus Complex. Now I didn't really hate my dad like it talks about in this song, but dad was just impartial, he was just kind of there and then that song talks about "my son" actually here since it's not a popular song, here are the lyrics:

Kid Rock "My Oedipus Complex lyrics"

I need somebody won't u help me
I need somebody won't you tell me who I am
I need somebody please please help me
I need somebody u must tell me who I am
I've been livin a lie so long it seems I've lived a life time
If u could see what I feel it would make your ghetto lood like heaven
And I believe it stems down from my family situation
I never liked my old man
I couldn't stand to be around him
Sometimes I sit all alone just starin at his picture
My heart turns to stone and I think of this

You never loved me you never held me tight
instead u shook me like a beast to wake me up at night
u tried to make me think that your ways were best
when all I was was an outlet for all your stress

Life it's the ultimate sin
A game with no rules that you're expected to win
My personal hell's hidden with a grin
"Dad take the stand and let the trial begin"
U said that oil and water don't mix though it seems cool
Keep with your own and don't fuck up our gene pool
U should've went to school like your bigger brother
but you played the fool with a different color
Runnin' ship with a whip
I tried to keep up but I kept getting tripped
Money made u so wise
how could u look thru my face and not see your own eyes
Do as i say and not as I do
but I can't cuz when I look in the mirror I see u
And oh the pain how it hurts
it was always your home and your business that came first
U said a man is as good as his word
but your mind was closed and mine never herd
They say the nut don't fall far from the tree
look at u then look at me...

U ain't nothin to me u've never been to me
And all u ever gave a damn about was money see
So now fuck u man you ain't shit to me
And it's the day that I die of this hate that I'm free
Now I know growin up son that it ain't always been easy
and I know at times I was not always there for you
We never spent much time just talkin or havin a good time
but understand growin up son I never had a dime
So I worked my ass off and I put myself thru college
and everything I have to this day u know I built it all
Oh I wish I could go back and change the years that's lost between us
I wish I could take back some of the things I said to you
Son I said I'm sorry...
Son I said I'm sorry but still u resent me so
Son I said I'm sorry and why do u resent me so

I always loved u I always cared for u
just never wanted U to go thru what I've been thru
I tried to raise my fuckin family just the best I know
and now I'm hated like the devil and for what I don't know

So then I started thinking about my son and how much of a bad father I am. Wondering how he's gonna think of me when he gets older. Now me being a bad father isn't really all my fault because she took him away from me, but I could make more of an effort to go home and see him and to call and try to talk to him more even though he doesn't talk for very long before getting distracted and wanting to go play. Then Ozzy's Mama I'm coming home came on and I thought about how much I really hated my mother growing up. Seriously she was a bitch and considered herself "queen bitch". But I do regret the things I've said to her and have a much better relationship with her and my dad now. I believe most of that is because I am in the military, when I moved out the day before my 18th birthday and even after I had my son, they still weren't really close with me, but when they found out I was joining and with the war starting they began reaching out more. I think they are proud of me, because I wasn't really doing anything while I was there and they don't want me to get stuck in a crappy job like them. Then I started thinking about their money problems and how much better they'd be if I died. Now I'm not talking suicide or anything but seriously if I died they would be set and so would my son. My parents have lived very sparingly and I know that if anything happened to me and that got the 400,000 well I think I have a percentage going to my son, which they'd probably give to the ex, I'm not too sure or if they'd hold it until he turned 18. Anyway my parents would be able to get rid of any debt and save money for my son's education and stuff. My mom and I discussed my death a couple months ago. I told her I wanted the cheapest shit they could do. Cremate me and throw me somewhere, actually I said to drag my body into the woods and leave me but she said she'd get in touble for that so then I said cremation. I can't conceive someone payin 10 grand or more for a box to put into the ground. The body is an empty shell of whatever that doesn't need to be preserved, not saying I wouldn't buy them for my parents or whatever, but I still think it's stupid. But it's odd when you realize how much better, not necessarily happier, but better some people lives would be without you. Then I thought of all the times I could have died, I have been pretty close a couple of times. Kind of eerie, it'll suck though when I go if it's after my life isn't worth that much and everyone will get nothing but a bill.