Bad Daddy

I am. People try to ague my good points to me but I don't need convincing and I already know the truth. Why does it always take a slap in the face for me to open my eyes and realize shit. I guess I just prefer to ignore problems most the time. Saturday my ex and I got into an argument on the phone after I talked to my son and he was talking about living with me. She says he thinks I don't love him because I'm always at work. And here I am trying to put off him coming to live with me during the summers for another year. Why well many reasons. I have a small ass apartment that I never stay at, and I am selfish. I am very selfish actually though I never really realized it. I sit and complain about missing him and what not but do I ever get up and actually drive back to see him, it's really not that far. No, why because I am doing my own thing, living my life, having fun, working. But I need to step up and start being a dad. I need to drive back at least once a month, I've been seeing him twice a year, for a week at a time. That's bullshit. I'm missing his life. I am a piece of shit. I called to try to get him back in the daycare on base for this summer. so he can come stay with me. I won't be able to go to my other job for the time he's here but oh well, that money is just a luxury. I really don't know what to say. I am kind of just shocked and disgusted with myself. Especially at the fact that I just kept putting it off, and ignoring it. I am going to start trying to be a good daddy. I am going to try to be a better person in gerneral. Yesterday I was upset thinking about all this so I ran away to my apartment by myself to drink. I needed to escape. I realized thats what I do, when I am down I just exile myself and try to get fucked up and forget. I have been slowly getting better. In the olden days I'd be getting stoned, tripping, coke, special K, or even huffing to escape. Then it became alcohol since it is legal but I'd still go drive around and dod stupid shit. Now it's down to drinking, playing Halo, and smoking a pack of cigs. But nwo I need to start going to the gym or some shit. Lifting weight to relieve stress or hell run even though I hate it. I need to make changes. I need to talk about it with HB. I tried but the more we talked the more I wanted to escape, fighting back tears. I don't know why but no one needs to see me cry. But I need to get my shit in order, I am a very bad procrastinator until I want/have to do something right now. But this is my son's life, I can't put it off or put my life in front of his. I need to grow up and be a daddy.