It's Monday

So I'm back from my trip and I'm not sure how much I am gonna remember of what all I wanted to type, because I am really nervous about my eye surgery today. My stomach has been really queezy since I woke up and I've been lightheaded and all that shit. But the drive was ok. I didn't get any speeding tickets so thats great. Most of the driving was clear minded, I didn't think at all except when trucks blocked both lanes and I was pissed that I couldn't keep flying between 80 and 90. It was a nice meditation, then when I got into Ohio the ex kept calling me to tell me she couldn't get ahold of my parent to drop my son off before I got there. I started thinking about her. I realized that I am pretty sure I never actually loved her. The thing was I really like someone else I couldn't have and well she(the ex) really wanted me. That was the first time at least that I noticed that a girl wanted me. I liked her best friend, she was way hotter! But the feeling of being wanted is something that I always wanted and it was a great feeling and I thought that was love. But if it was love then why did I always think about "what if I was with..." I mean it was everyday I wished I was with someone else, we fought a lot and all that shit. I think I just wanted love so bad I made myself believe that that was it. Then thinking about how Hb and I started and how it just happened. It truely was just tripping and falling into love, when you least expect it. The feeling is so much more than what I thought was love back then. Obviously there is no book that says this is how love feels. But with HB I can tell. It hurts when she is not around, I think about her all day everyday, I constantly feel wanted, like I wanted, but not only wanted but needed to survive as I feel that I need her to survive. I'm sure I am making everyone nauseous now but that is just the tip of that thought that lasted for a couple hours. I made great time, 7 hours there and 7 back. It kind of sucked being just a short weeekend. Of course I spent it all with my boy who was great for me except one incident of him stealing his cousins change which I did the same thing and got my ass beat for but I just yelled at him and told him next time I was gonna beat his ass. What does a child not even 5 yet need money for, I did it because you learn at a very early age that money is everything and you need as much as possible. But we played and wrestled and had a good time, I saw my grandparents and only one of my cousins. I wanted to see my other one that I've been talking to on myspace and email that I recently found out is going through the same shit I did at her age but when she called saturday night my parents were gone so I couldn't leave even though my son was in bed so I told her we'd catch up in June. That's pretty much my trip, nice and boring yet fun to just see the family. Well I finally finished the huge stack of files that have been piling on my dek, well they are in the computer and now I need to try to file as much as possible before I leave at 2 to go to my eye appointment. If I can see to type tomorrow I may post an update if not then I'll catch up later. HB brought her camera so she can take pics of my eyes when they are all jacked up so maybe we'll post them so people can see what I am going through and decide if it's worth it or not.