Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Damn the mind (why this is called a lot of nothingness)

I had this long thought provoking post thought out that actually sounded intellectual last night but then I watched Man on Fire, which was good except for the ending pissed me off and I forgot all the great things I had to say. I thought maybe it would come back to me by now, but all I remember is the basic concept which sounds really stupid without the points I had to back it. The problem really is that I think too much when I am sober, yeah I'm healthier but ignorance is bliss and though I may have been slightly depressed while drunk it was better than analyzing every aspect of my life trying to make sense of it. That is just not me, I am easy going, I don't care as long as I'm having fun. But now I think about it and may be able to recongnize mistakes before I make them but I don't know. My head is starting to hurt again. Perhaps it's just lonely little me trying to figure out why I am lonely. For fucks sakes I have been seperated for over a year and divorced for 8 months and haven't had a steady girlfriend or anything. I have had friends but damn, and people all around me are in relationships. I can't believe how hard it is to find singles to just hang out with. I think I am lost, last time I was in the "dating scene" was in High School. It seems a little different in the "real world". It was easy to still pick up chics and be shy in school, here the shy guy sits in his fucking room alone. Yes I'm not that shy when I go out with friends and get drunk, but when I am with friends most of the time I am just trying to have a good time and not pick up anyone, mainly because my friends are usually in a relationship. Which all brings this back to my crazy mind. Chris and I had a funny talk about relationships and love. The difference between "seeing someone", "going steady", when it's ok to say "I love you". I mean there is no line that says start here, now your in this section of the relationship. I know, I know, I don't have to worry about shit like that but one day I might. Random thought bounce through my mind all the time but every once in a while a certain thought or person sticks in there and I can shit (mostlty on the smoke deck) and just stare off into nothingness and analyze the subject or my relationship or feelings about this person. But one thing I have become to notice more and more is how I never reach a final answer. Like a person I can come to the conclusion that I think they are cool and I am like them and then I start thinking that well what do they think about me. Well they said this to me and perhaps there is something behind that then I think maybe I am over analyzing again. Then here I am going on and on about stupid shit that probably runs though everyones head a lot but hey while I was trying to think, this is what poured out. The randomness of my mind. Damn. And you know what this is nothing about what I was thinking last night, I actually now forgot the general idea that I stated with last night and have come to babble on endlessly and am wondering how much of this will anyone actually read. If you made it to this point I comend your dedication or boredome which ever has gotten you this far and I am actually wondering myself how long I can actually keep this going. I swear I have adult ADD but then again wouldn't I get distracted from typing. I stop and sing parts of the songs playing on my computer but I still keep typing without even giving thought as to what I am typing. I wonder how many spelling errors I have made. I usually don't run spell check, plus I can't type like everyone else, I sit and actually stare at the keyboard which has no began to blur. I try to type like I was tought but though I became pretty good at it ok never mind time to go to lunch I am starving.