Life update

So I haven't been blogging much and when I do I usually forget about everything that I wanted to say because I get on rants about something or another. Well this time isn't going to be any different because I'm gona forget stuff. HB and I are still doing good, every once in a while I think we hit nerves but still good. We went to the pet store yesterday to look at fish because her friend gave her a small fish tank. Well we decided that we're gona get a couple bearded dragons. They are cute, cool and lazy. They'll fit right in since we usually don't do much but lay around and watch tv. So we were discussing names last night and we want to get a male and female, she mentioned Homer and Marge from the Simpson's so now I'm not budging on Homer, she can name the girl whatever she wants but the boy is going to be Homer. For those of you who don't know I am a huge Simpson's fan, my car has a Home on the dashboard, one hanging from the rear view mirror next to a Simpson's air freshener. But ok, so now I'm on the hunt for a bigger tank, they have grown ones in pretty small tanks but reading about it says they should at least have a 40 gallon tank. Those are expensive so I emailed a couple people with ads on craigslist to see if I can get one for $100 or so, preferable with a stand. We'll see if I hear back from them. Online was showing them aroun $200-250, the are $80 a piece so it's gonna be a little expensive at first but I have money saved up since I haven't went out and bought anything big like this for a while. So we'll probably do that this weekend.

What else has been happening... Ummmm I fogot just like I said. I am tired as hell of working 2 jobs. Today I left Navy at 10 saying I had an eye appointment only to come here and "work". Last week I didn't come much because I was lazy so this week I need to make up hours. Tomorrow is UNCLE TOM's Birthday so go over there and wish him a happy birthday and yell at him for not posting anything. Let's see yesterday I was freaking out thinking about death again while I was stuck in traffic. I just wonder what the hell happens, it can't be like a dream because your brain is dead. Perhaps its just like when I sleep since I don't dream much, it's just nothing but I don't know the unknown freaks me out and death is kind of something you can't avoid, it's gonna happen. But then I got freaked out thiking about being old, my great grandpa has watched most his friends and loved ones die around him, but he still has the rest of the family so I guess it would be a balance. I don't know. I finally painted our bedroom this weekend. It only took how many months, now all I need is the dining room, upstairs hall, 2 bathrooms which will probably never happen. Oh yeah here's a good one...

My mom called me Friday I think it was and asked if my ex said anything about being pregnant, I said no well my mom said she looks prego and that my boy said something about mommy hope she has a girl. Granted my boy says all kinds of shit but the same day my mom noticed her having a pooch...? So if she's prego it might be her cousin's baby. I think I mentioned this a long while ago but not sure. She lives with her cousin who I suspect she's been "with" she claimed before and got defensive saying he wasn't blood because his mom cheated or some shit but it's bullshit. So if she is prego with cousin's baby, the kid will have flippers and I and the rest of the world will laugh our asses off at her and her stupid flipper baby!!!! Ahhhh, I hope she is and it's his. But That's about all I can think of that's been happening. So Hopefully I can keep up now. Laters.

A Quickie

For The Scheherazade Project. I don't even know how to pronounce it but here's what I thought up, it's a little boring because I am tired. You can tell me what you think, I don't care.

Once upon a time there was a young couple in love. They took simple joys out of each others company and in everything they did. When they met they knew right away that they kindred spirits. When they first met they would just take long walks and talk for hours. They could talk about everything, they told each other their whole life and then a week later would repeat it and the other would sit and listen with the same intensity as the first time. They enjoyed knowing what they were like before and could see them together in the future. Daydreaming of their future life, marriage, kids, house, animals, they wanted the works. But then they got the news, he was drafted for the war, she was devestated. How could she survive that long without him, what if something happened she wouldn't be able to live without him. He promised her that he would do all in his power to come home to her. He left and she sat at home and waited for him for a few months but the daydreams were now of bloodshed and war, she couldn't stand the thought of anything happening to him so she went to work in a factory to do her part in supporting the war. She figured that this was a way of her helping him, giving him supplies, just like if she was fighting next to him. She would occasionally receive letters from him, hearing he was ok and that the things he would see looked like it was straight from hell. Then after 2 years she got a letter saying he should be coming home soon. She quit her job and spent all her day cleaning the house and dressing up, she wanted everything to be just perfect for his return. Then finally one day there was a knock on the door, she fixed her hair as she ran for the door, it was him. They resumed their dreams, they had a huge wedding and bought a huge country-house they got busy having kids. Life went just as they had hoped. Next thing they knew they were grandparents and great grandparents. They would tell their family their story and tell them that dreams can come true. They fulfilled their fantasy, they grew old together. But with each day they came closer to death. Each fighting cancer, broken bones from falls, and colds that would leave them bedridden. Medications, hospital visits, and funeral payments forced him to sell their old house. Until finally she passed. He was devastated but tried to make the best of it. He gave his best fight, he lived many years after her death. He finally admitted he needed to move into a retirement home. But one day he drove himself back to the old house, the one where all his fantasies came true. It was very old and ran down, it looked like it should had been torn down years ago, he walked inside and sat in the middle of the living room floor. He looked around one last time and laid his head down so he could go see his beautiful wife again.

Fuckin People!!!

It's been a while since I've bitched up a storm here. Friday I was going to call my mom because her birthday is coming up on the 26th and I wanted to send her flowers since I usually don't get my parents anything but a phone call for their birthdays and I figured they were going out of town for her birthday. Well she called me first, I was right they are leaving so I found out when and am sending it a couple days before. Well we started talking about my grandma, my dads mom, and how we are kind of the black sheep somehow in her eyes. Now she isn't creul or anything, she just always does stuff for other family members and not us. Last month she took my cousin to Vegas for a week for her 21st birthday, I didn't get shit, they have said they were going to come over and take me to Atlantic City for the past 4 years now and have never came to visit me here. Well mom told me a little story that sent me over the edge. My dad has always had a big dark lima bean shaped scar on his stomach, It's not a normal scar, it looks kind of like different skin. Well all I ever knew was that he fell out of a tree when he was little. Mom told me he was 5, and had less than a 50% chance to live. This was back in 1964, he punctured some organs and had internal bleeding and in small town Ohio apparently they hadn't perfected stopping shit like that. Well his mom and dad were recently divorced, him and his brother choose to stay with his dad and his sister stayed with their mom. She got the news and couldn't make it to the hospital because she had to go to work, because she worked with her boyfriend. She choose a guy over perhaps seeing her son before he went into a surgery he may not make it out of. My son is now 5, and after hearing this I started thinking and had my eyes watering up thinking if I got news like that. I would drive as fast as I could on shoulders if I had to, I would make the 6-7 hour drive in 3 hours. Then I started thinking if I got pulled over what would happen, would the cop let me go, give me a police escort? I would have to stop, I would burst out of the car bawling my eyes out, screaming I had to get home, my son was dying, this phrase, just thinking of having to utter this phrase is making my eyes water again. What would happen? .....Anyways. Well long story short, she finally married a guy, who is cool and funny I like him as my grandpa but we are still excluded from things, the daughter who choose to live with her gets everything, she gave her her house, pays for her daughters(my cousins) college and a car, and plenty more shit. My parents and I don't get shit. They are now buying and fixing up houses, then selling them back at a higher price or renting them out, so they are making some good money right now. I have been contemplating about either sending her a nasty email or ask her when we're going to Atlantic City, my birthday's next month! Or hell let's go back to Vegas, When my and said cousin were little we used to be able to milk her for money but now looking at things, I guess I only got it because she was there. Oh well, I may have been the trouble kid on both sides of my family growing up but I have made it fine on my own, no help from anyone. I have bought everything, I got away and made a better life, I have still made mistakes but they were ones I could learn from and recover, I am better off and a better peron than most of them. Perhaps that's the main reason I want to get rich, just so I can help those who have tried to help me and tell all the rest to fuck off, I'll buy them a nice coffin.

New York Pics!

Here are 3 of my Favorites and the link to snapfish for the rest. God I love that bull, there is more too.

GO HERE

Motivation....

I saw Happy and Blue's and had to do one with this picture I found. Find your motivation!

My new Grill

"Smile fo me daddy
(What you lookin at)
I want to see your grill"

That's right people I got me some gold in my grillz. Finally after like 6 months of root canal and all kinds of other shit I got my tooth in. A shiny gold tooth, it's not ghetto or anything though, it's in the back and you can't see it unless I open my mouth big. They also took a mould of my teeth to get it made and I asked what they were gonna do with it and they were gonna throw it away so I took it. I've got a replica of my teeth. I was playing with them yesterday, they're even hinged together so I can open and shut them. Fun stuff! Some people from my old job invited HB to happy hour yesterday so we went and had some drinks. It was fun, saw some people that I wasn't really friends with but it was fun, mainly just hung with HB and people she worked with and then Specy's wife, DQ, showed up so we talked. I don't think I've really talked to her since the wedding that I can remember. We had some drinks and greasy fries. HB's having one of those girlie sex toy party's next weekend. She's locking me up in the basement. I want to witness this thing, because in a guy's mind this thing is a girl orgy. Plus I could learn a thing or 2, I'm always down for pointers. But instead I'll be locked in the basement with a bottle of Beam, a bottle of coke, maybe some water, and my Xbox. I'll probably have to turn up some music too so people don't get mad at me screaming racial, sexual, and profane stuff to little kids that I am playing. I can't help it they piss me off. But it'll be all good, I'll still get to see the pamphlet and order some shit, I owe Zefyur some inflateable toys still. I didn't forget have just been waiting for the opportunity...lol. This weekend, don't have anything planned, HB has to work and I'll probably go to my other job on Saturday since I don't have many hours and could use the extra money as always. But hope everyone else has a good weekend!

Narcolepsy...?

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I am constantly tired, no matter how much sleep I get. On weekends I'll sleep for at least 10 hours and then not do anything but lay around and watch tv. This morning I didn't even hear the alarm at all, HB had to come and wake me up, then I came to work still tired as hell so I did my little morning shit and then took a 2 hour nap. I think I woke myself up snoring. I just kind of heard it when I was opening my eyes, it scared me. Perhaps it has something to do with my nose, it's constantly stuffed and hurting and then when I wake up my eyelids feel like they're stuck to my eyeballs. They have been really dry in the mornings, I'll have to mention that to the doc in October. Or then maybe it's my back, it always hurts, I need to go to a chiropractor or something and get it popped and a massage. But all these things may just all add up to an uncomfortable sleep and not reahing my REM sleep or something even though once I am out, I am dead. Nothing, no sounds, no dreams, no nothing. It could be narcolepsy, which is also called excessive daytime sleepiness. I think HB and I both have it. It can vary in severity, not all of them are like in Duece Bigalo. Really though, during the week I get up around 545 but I usually go to bed by 10, that's almost the recommended 8 hours of sleep and then I sleep a lot on weekends and still tired as hell. So in my professional opinion I have diagnosed myself with Narcolepsy, so excuse me while I go take another nap and tell my boss it's not my fault, it's a medical condition.

I'll try to get some of the NY pics up this weekend, maybe earlier if I get out of work or something, but I need the money. Since I've been in the military I have gotten my taxes done with no clue to the fact that I was supposed to pay Ohio school tax and got a letter back in March that said I owed like $800 in late tax fines and shit so I called and explained to the people and they told me to just file all the years since 2002, and they'd send a late charge or something that wouldn't be so huge, so I did. Monday I got a letter in the mail that it was handed over to a collection agency for 700 or so. So again I called and explained but I didn't make copies of the tax forms before I sent them. They told me to get copies of the cashed checks and write it all down and send it in. So that's one more piece of shit thing I have to deal with. Along with the guy in charge threw a fit yesterday about my and dumbass never being here and shit. Dumbass told me that we need to play it straight for a week or so and then go back to what we were doing, it's 1030 and he still isn't here yet. Good job playing it cool, fucknut.

What da Fuck You Lookin' at?!

NYC was a good and bad trip in itself. More good than bad I guess. So we left on Friday I changed our return time to a little earlier, it only cost $20. We were equiped with a portable DVD player we began watching Ultraviolet when we left the damn things rechargable battery only lasts 90minutes. So we missed the end. Traffic was sucking when we were really close which irritated me even though I wasn't driving. We got there safe and almost on time. My buddy Brown met us at Grand Central, we got some dirty water dogs and headed to his place on Staten Island. His place was a basement but wasn't to bad except it was for a midget, even HB had to duck most the time. We got some pizza had some drinks and BSed then went to go see his buddy's band play the Avon Junkies. Brown warned us that the place was hot and smelled like a sweaty armpit that was wiped with an ass. He was right, the place was raunchy as all hell. There were lots of little kids slammin and shit, was pretty good hardcore music. Avon Junkies were pretty good. Then we went back and crashed. Saturday we went to the city, we didn't get up til noon and didn't leave til like 2 or so. We of course had a couple drinks before we left, me and Brown, HB didn't really drink. We went and defiled statues, saw ground zero, St. Patricks cathedral, trinity church, radio city music hall, Times square, Hard Rock, Rockefeller Center, and whatever else I forgot. Statue of Liberty a couple times because the Staten Island ferry goes by it. We stopped at some fancy restraunt and had some drinks, HB got a little tipsy and Brown kept tryin to get her to yell What the Fuck you lookin at out the cab. It was funny. We went back to his place HB crashed we stayed up drinking and talking. I drank way to much, I didn't think so at the time but Sunday morning my stomach was in knots. I couldn't eat. We were running late. I realized on the way that I forgot the greyhound tickets but whatever I thought I could get new ones, wrong! SO on the bus, ferry, subway to get back to Grand Central I am in agony. I feel like I am gonna explode, I feel like I have to shit and puke and if one slips so will the other. I kept trying to distract myself. We finally get there right at the time our bus should have been leaving but I had to run to the bathroom and do both. Then I felt much better and went to get tickets. They wouldn't give me them, I had to buy new tickets for the later bus that I payed to move up earlier. So then we were stuck there for another 2 hours. We walked around outside a bit and what not. I charged the crappy DVD player all weekend in hopes it would last longer. We got on the bus and started watching Basic Instinct 2, 90 minutes it shut off, didn't get to see the end of that either. Damn piece of shit. We got home safe though, my car was still in one piece and no tickets. I blew about $100 dollars in unessasary bus tickets but whatever, we had to come back. All in all it was a pretty good time, just need not drink so much alcohol when we're walking all over a city and sweating in the heat. and pay closer attention to tickets. Good times, maybe some pics to come soon. I think the best is us defileing the bull.

It's Humpday....

I couldn't really think of a good title so there it is. It is actually hotter than hell outside. This is fucking ridiculous! Well things are planed for this weekend, HB and I will be up in NYC. Thankfully my buddy called and said he got the weekend off, we were looking for other options for a getaway in case he couldn't and apparently everyone is getting away this weekend. Virginia beach hotels were booked except the really expensive ones as well as Ocean City and Atlantic City. I just kind of wanted to go to a beach. Now Ny doesn't have any beach you wanna swin in, kind of like around here and Bmore, but it'll be great seeing him again. Plus HB has never been so I'll make him take us on a tour again. I am anxious to see what ground zero looks like now. Last time I went was well about 4 years ago and there were lines for blocks to see through a gap in the fence, it was just a huge hole. There were so many fucking people but it was silent as hell. You could here someones cell ring a block ahead. It was really eerie. I wonder if they've decided what they were putting there, I haven't followed it much. Last I knew they were arguing between a park and another big ass building. I guess we shall see. We are taking a greyhound up there because from what I saw driving there is 100xs worse than DC. It should save my blood pressure. Plus I got a portable DVD player now that I sort of stole from my son. A friend of the family won one so she gave it to my mom for him but I told her that the ex would probably pawn it like the rest of my shit so I get to keep it. So a nice relaxing 4-5 hour cruise watching movies. I am excited.

On other news I just cut the shit out of my thumb a half an hour ago. I don't know how but I was working and I looked down and there was blood all over the place. I think a hunk of metal just sliced though it at an angle like butter. It didn't hurt until I put an alcohol pad on it, then it burned like hell. But that's about it. Uhmmm, yeah I'm bored but have nothing to say so I guess I'll get back to work. Happy Humpday!

Useless Facts

So the concert didn't happen yesterday, well it may have but I wasn't there to find out. Canowine didn't come down because it was storming up there and it was supposed to storm here. I had a headache anyway, so we went to Chipotle and ate massive burritos and walked around a craft store where I threw fits and sang loudly to music and when the played Elvis songs I said really loud "Elvis died on the shitter!" just to make sure everyone around knew that he did. And here's some more useless facts:

Research indicates that plants grow healthier when they are stroked.

Leather skin does not have any smell. The leather smell that you sense is actually derived from the materials used in the tanning process.

John F. Kennedy's rocking chair was auctioned off for $453,500.

When Scott Paper Co. first started manufacturing toilet paper they did not put their name on the product because of embarrassment.

David Rice Atchinson was President of the United States for exactly one day. This happened due to a glitch in American law at the time.

A baby octopus is about the size of a flea when it is born

In Greece, the climate is so warm that many of the cinemas do not even have roofs.

Almost 425,000 hotdogs and buns, 160,000 hamburgers and cheeseburgers were served at Woodstock '99

In China, September 20 is "Love Your Teeth Day."

Director George Lucas had trouble originally getting funding for Star Wars because most studios thought most people wouldn't bother seeing it.

Weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.

In 1989, twenty-three people were hired in Jacksonville Florida just to flush toilets so the pipes would not freeze.

The cost to build the Empire State Building was $40,948,900.

It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.

An artist from Chicago named Dwight Kalb created a statue of Madonna made out of 180 pounds of ham.

There is enough concrete in the Hoover Dam to pave a two lane highway from San Francisco to New York.

Ernest Vincent Wright wrote a fifty thousand-word novel, "Gadsby," without any word containing the letter "e."

Lazy Ass!!!

Yes I am! To the point it almost makes me sick. Friday we had some people over, HB made extremely too much food but we are working on eating it all. It made our "last Thursday of the year" look like a small snack. I got a pic of some of the food prepared but it wasn't much. Stuffed mushrooms, Swedish meatballs, wings, cream cheese pastry things, cheeseball, fruit and dip, deviled eggs, nacho's and dip, ... there's more but I can't remember. Plus beer and liquor. We bullshitted for a while had some food, drinks, played some spades. It was fun. After that I didn't get dressed or leave the house all weekend. I lied there and watched tv. Saturday HB went to babysit a baby so I played Halo and talked with Chris. That was the extent of my weekend. Now it feels good to lay around and relax especially when I have been getting really tired of working 2 jobs and shit but I think I am going a little overboard. I need to at least get up and do something. Well this weekend we were planing to go to New York and see my buddy. He's not sure if he can get off or whatever. But I think even if he can't we may have to go and I'll just fork out the money for a hotel room somewhere. We'll just have to see what's left after I pay bills.

Tonight Canowine is driving down to see a show down in DC. We're gonna see The Evens I can't get to myspace from work so I'm not sure if they have a page there where you can hear them. It is Ian MacKaye's latest project. Ian you may or may not remember from a band called Fugazi. When we worked together Canowine brought in their CD and though I don't remember much I remembered that I liked it. Thursday he is also going to come down to see another show which has a couple more bands: Hard Tomorrows, The Fake Accents, & Georgie James. He has been wanting to see Georgie James for a while now. So it should be fun. All these shows are free, outside. Find out more at Fort Reno if you want. Hope everyone else had a more exciting weekend.

The Even's myspace

Updated and stuff

You may not have noticed but I have been doing a little work to my page here. If you scroll down a bit and look to the left of the screen I have updated my concert list. Instead of just having the guys I wanted to see it has all the bands listed that I have seen. Now looking at them, most are far from reviews. Some are just me saying "they rock" or "they sucked". But hey it's all good, now my next task is putting the pics with them since most of them the pics didn't come till a couple days later since I am lazy and then blogger would take too long so then I started putting them at snapfish instead of on my page. But that will take a long time and I am really too lazy to do all that shit so perhaps I will just link to the pics or something and start from now on. I think I am gonna start going to some more concerts. Why the fuck not right? I need to suck it up while I'm in the area, there is still a bunch of places I haven't checked out yet, ottobar, warehouse nextdoor, Rams head live, club mate, fletchers just to name the few that I know of and haven't been to. I need to realize I am a grown ass man and can go to concerts by myself instead of wussing out because I can't find anyone to go with me. I need to buy a ticket to see Rollins Band next month. But whatever, better get to work.

Concert and Movies

For the 3rd fucking time! Ok this is gonna be kind of rushed because I am pissed I wrote this earlier and even copied it before I hit publish and it didn't work and when I tried to paste it was gone. WTF? Copy only holds stuff for so long? I was gonna paste it somewhere but got pulled to do some bullshit! Anyway the concert sucked. We got there an hour early despite traffic, so we walked down to the inner harbor and walked around a bit. It was hot as fuck. We walked back and waited in line outside the club. We finally got in hoping it was gonna be cooler, it wasn't. It was in the "club room" instead of the main stage which would have been awesome if it wasn't so hot. There were no fans no air moving just stale fucking hot. We at least got 2 bar stools. I drank some water and ordered a beer. I drank more water than beer, thats how hot it was. Rediscover went up. They were better than they sound on myspace. They were more rock than the techno crap on there. It was funny lyrics to some good tunes. They were having fun so in turn we had fun watching them. Next was Valencia instead of classic crimes. They were more my type of music. They were harder and screamed a bit. But by this time the place was getting more and more packed with little teenie boppers making it hotter. HB looked like she hated me for being there so I asked if she wanted to go sit in the car with air conditioning. She said yes and then when we were in the car she said she wanted to go home. I was upset because I wanted to see the other bands but I love her and know that everyone doesn't share my enthusiasm for concerts. I'd go to a show every night if I had the money regardless of having to get up early the next morning. I have done it quite a bit actually. But we left and that was that.

Saw Clerks 2, it was filarious! Definately a must see. My favorite part was a scene where Jay recreates a scene from Silence of the Lambs. It was definately different from the first one. You can tell how Kevin Smith has grown over the years as a writer and they had more of a budget. It had more of a plot and story but still had something special like the first one. We then theater hoped over to see My Super Ex-girlfriend. It was funny too and showed how crazy women are. This one I'd rent when it comes out on DVD. But now blogger is saying that it is fucked up again so I am pissed and gonna try again. If it loses it then fuck my reviews!!

God's message is loud and clear

My Seond attempt at The Scheherazade Project: Theme for 7/17-7/30. I can't even make paragraphs but I am trying to do dialouge. Funny shit huh.

"Alcoholism isn't a choice you make, it is hereditary. Let's go around and introduce ourselves. I'll start. My name is Dave, I'm a recovering alcoholic and an addict." the couselor stuttered out.

Next in line was a big black dude who looked as if he should be in prison "My name is Demond, I'm an addict."

"My name is Ronald, I am an alcoholic." mumbled the old man.

I stood up "I'm Randy and I'm here because the court told me too."

The counselor barked back "Well you must have a problem if you're here, why did the court tell you to come."

"DUI but it was just once... a mistake." I don't share my problems, especially with strangers.

"OK, you may not be ready to admit it, but remember the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. Next"

And so it began. I heard stories and shared no part of my life to these crazy people. It is odd that I call them crazy when they were more sane than I have ever been. Weeks came and gone, I knew almost everyone in the room and still they knew nothing of me.

One day during a smoke break a 16 year old homeless kid approached me."Hey what's your story?"

"DUI." I answered trying to ignore him.

"Cool, I do almost anything. Can I bum a smoke?" I gave him one in hopes it would stop his talking, but it failed. "Thanks, so why do you drink?"

"I do every once in a while just with friends."

"Yeah, I ain't the cops, I don't give a shit. Look at me, does it look like I have the right to judge anyone?"

"I don't know, they say it's hereditary, maybe that's it. It relaxes me. It helps me except my numbness, fuck if I knew maybe I'd just fix it."

"Same here man, Fuck it all! My hope is that it'll cure me or kill me." He had a strange gleam to his eye.

"Maybe I am hoping the same. I think I'm leaning towards death."

"Why bother drinking then, death is always just a step away. Step in front of a bus, step in front of the train, step into the wrong guy, you know."

"Good point. Why don't you, you ain't have anything to lose right?" I curl back in horror when I realize I just told a homeless kid to kill himself. I hoped he didn't catch it. He seemed slow from doing drugs but as most druggies he had good points on how to make the universe right.

"What do you have? I'll do it if you do it." He chuckled with a sinister look about him.

"What now?"

"No, next week." He scoufed. "Wait yeah, if you can't find out how to feel by next weeks class we'll go out and end it."

"Next week, are you kidding?"

"You got something better to do? You got many friends? Loved ones? Anyone?"

"Not really but shit I may someday." I can't believe this punk is eggin me on to kill myself. I looked deep in his eyes to see if maybe he just had a sinister sense of humor. If he did he hid it well, all I saw was hate, lonliness, and desperation.

"Then lets do it then. That way we can at least hang out whereever you go to after death. You aren't one of those Jesus freaks are you? Naw, if you were you wouldn't be here would you."

"Nope I guess not. Well I gotta go, uhm, I guess I'll see you next week."

"Sure thing, remember this is your last week. Make sure you give your stuff away, you won't need it anymore."

I left. What a fucking lunatic. I have contimplated suicide before but shit I thought people were supposed to talk you out of it, not into it. I needed a drink. I went home got shitfaced and thought about it. Really, why not. Look at the way I live, I'm not far off from being off the streets myself. I finished the bottle. I missed work I slept for about 20 hours. Fuck it, why go to work. Why do anything. Hell why wait until next week. I walked to the store to get another bottle. I walked out of the store and ran right into him.

"Hey, drinking again, does that mean were down?"

"Whatever man, I don't care let's just go and finish this bottle." I slurred in between swigs. We walked over to the traintracks. I wasn't sure if trains still ran on these tracks or not. Not like it actually mattered at this point. "So how we gonna do it? You got a plan."

"I picked up something the other day," he pulled a 9mm pistol out of the back of his pants."I was gonna rob some people and see if the cops would shoot me or something."

"Why didn't you just shoot yourself?"

"I've tried but I can't fucking pull the trigger." He looked at me like that was my part in this. The whole reason he's been trying to get me to kill myself, he wanted me to kill him first. He nudged the gun my way. I tipped the bottle back and drank nearly a quarter of it in one gulp as I reached for it. As soon as it was in my hands he punched me square on the jaw and knocked me to the ground.

"What the fuck was that for?" I asked while spitting out blood and checking to see how much of my drink I spilled.

"Just to piss you off so you didn't chicken out. Come on bitch, shoot me!" I looked up at him as I was still down on one knee. I didn't want to kill anyone but myself. I took another long swig and held the gun to the bottom of my chin. He kicked me hard in the throat. I fell over and couldn't breath. I looked up as he lifted his foot above my face. I had no choice. I lifted the gun and shot him twice in the middle of the chest before I even thought about it. He fell to the ground, I never shot anyone or anything before. I scambled back away from his body, looking at it for any sign of life. Nothing. Tears began to roll down my face. I finished the bottle. There is nothing left. I held the gun to my chin but couldn't pull the trigger. "Fuck!!" I screamed into the night as I heard sirens in the distance, certainly coming to this location. I was running out of time, I pointed the gun at myself one last time and gritted down and pulled the trigger. Click. "What the fuck, click and no bang?" I did it again, "No more bullets, how the fuck you only gonna have 2 bullets you stupid fucker!" I screamed at his lifeless body. Then I heard it, I felt the rumbling. I saw the glorious light heading right towards me. There is a God and he just gave me a sign. I stood there with arms wide open, welcoming God's messenger.

Runnin my cum dumpsters about music

I finally talked HB into going to a concert during the work week. Thursday we will be driving up to Baltimore to see Action Action and The Matches. I've seen Action Action before it was a great show, you can click over there on the left to read it if you wish or forgot. They did a cover of a Nirvana song which normally I would be against but they did it justice and it sounded great. The Matches I haven't heard of intil the other day whan I looked them up. They sound pretty good too and then there is other bands Potugal, Classic Crime, Rediscover. Rediscover is actually from near my hometown. I can't find out who the band members are but chances are that I still don't know any of them. None of my friends have enough ambition to become famous, thats why I liked them. Though my buddy Matt is in a couple bands and is really talented, he can play any instrument. His band is Electro Cult Circus. But then again there is Chris's brother, his band is getting kind of famous The Seldon Plan which I have had over here to the left for a while. But whatever. Anyways we should be going to a show and it should be a good time. Sonar is cool, I've seen story of the year there as well as the Pixies. Both good shows, it is a smaller venue than the 930 club so that is always good. The only problem will be driving up there with traffic. But traffic pretty much sucks anywhere around 6pm, So we may need to leave fairly early but we can have fun. If I remember correctly the place wasn't far from Edgar Allen Poe's grave, remember when I was trying to catch the Poe Toaster? Here now do you? Maybe we can go check it out. Next year I will prevail. Anyways now I'm just making this post a million links for you to leave so check them out.

Lack of Enthusiasm

As many of you probably noticed I have lost enthusiasm. I think I have solved the mystery of why. I have always been a dark tortured soul and as much as I hated it, it gave me passion. Hate and loneliness suck but I guess you really get use to it. Now I am happy, perhaps not really with work or the fact that I don't really have friends or as much money as I want but none of that really matters with the fact that I am in love and am spending my time with HB. I've known that I can only write descriptively when I am in pain. As you can see below I can't tap into that core when I am not in that mood. I have 2 books of writings, one from high school about the rejection of cruel women and one from a little over a year ago that I bought when I was in the barracks drunk. Most still aren't like brilliant or anything but they definitely have feelings. I am mediocre at everything in life. I always dreamed of things being different, I would find the one thing that I am good at and that would lead to the better life. But I am now finally realizing that I will not be good at anything in paticular. I'm talking about abilities here because I am a loyal and dedicated friend and boyfriend. But it still sucks, I guess it is partly because I don't follow through anything. Guitar, I learned the begining of 3 songs and that was it. This is one thing that I really need to start back up. I've had an electric guitar since I was 16 but nothing and last year I bought an acoustic which I do play with a little more but it's just nothing that I can really create music on. I love music that would be great if I could actually make my own. I have tried lessons that is how I learned 2 of the 3 songs and that was it. Writing nothing more than 2 crappy books that has a few poems and then kind of journals written sparingly. I admit most is probably due to me being lazy but even if I tried it still wouldn't amount to anything more than a little hobby thing I do once in a while. Not leading to my dream life. Then we have HB who has so much talent, she can write, draw, she is smart as all hell and has a damn good work ethic and can pretty much do anything she wants to. All she needs to do is choose her path and she will florish at it. She has options. When she chooses what she wants to do, she needs to know that I will be with her 100% and am willing to help her any way I can to reach her goals. I have learned to accept my mediocracy but she doesn't have to settle. I will help her get what she deserves. She deserves the world and since I know that I won't be able to give it to her I will help her get it. She just needs to not stress about it, just think about what she wants and she will have it. I just hope that I will still be one of the things she will want. And I'm babbling so have a good weekend.

I'm Blue....

As always I need to copy people. If you go over to HB's page you will see a great story that she did for The Scheherazade Project and I am bored and nothing really extravigant happening in my life so I'd try to write a story. Be gentle with me I haven't attempted to write a story since high school.

Growing up I always knew I was different. I tried my best not to let the world see how truely different I was from everyone else. Yes I looked different on the outside but that was hard for me to cover up as a little one. I couldn't dye my hair or anything to try to conform to the rest of the population. Even my parent seemed ashamed to be associated with me. One thing I could hide was what was inside of me. At an early age I found out that emotions were for the weak. You can't have emotions when you look like I do. So after a few years of being tormented and crying myself to sleep every night I vowed to never shed a tear for myself again. Instead of tears running down my face, hate and discontentment ran into my soul. I went to school like everyone else, I faced a few others who tried to confront me but my size over them made it nothing more than name calling. A few I had to shove down or hit but most never tried anything physical with me. The females always ignored me. I wasn't their type. I didn't have the cool hair and I didn't act like an ass like the others. I just kept to myself and my few friends who I think just hung out with me for protection. But I didn't mind they were people to keep me occupied. A few of the popular girls would taunt me by getting my attention like they wanted to talk to me but when I'd go to approach them they'd throw shit at me. Every night I would dream of taking them to the middle of nowhere and trying them up and start cutting off pieces of limbs. Disecting them while they are alive. Let them feel the pain that I've felt for as long as I can remember. It got slightly better as I got older. I had a couple more friends who would do funky things to their hair. Dye it different colors, shave mohawks, grow it really long. I finally fit in with others. These others also shared the anguish that I felt towards the world. We would all talk about our dreams to destroy the rest for all the things they've put us through over the years. It seemed that most of the others were all talk. But I was still glad to have their company for the time being. I finally formulated my plan to take out all these people. I told everyone my plan, they agreed it was good but they wanted no part it in it. I was pissed but then I realized there was one person who would join me. She was young but she was even more different than me. A family found her wondering around and took her in. I've seen everyone laughing at her and throwing shit at her. She is the same as me. We are kinred spirits, we share the same soul. I ran to find her. I found her in the middle of an open field. I told her my plan, though she speaks a different language and I couldn't really understand her she seemed very excited and took the lead on the attack. "Yes, Revenge will be ours!" I screamed.

Is it Friday yet?

I hate Monday's. Work sucked and here I sit at my other job which is sucking but not quite as bad. All day I was running around working and shit and trying to make my officer happy by finding a mythalogical form that only exist in one instruction from a year and a half ago. I looked I bugged people and finally got the answer I wanted which is how to do the form properly. But I am pretty sure that tomorrow when I tell him that he won't be happy and will still want me to make this form myself by hand. At that point I my head will probably explode, either that of my fist will convuse rapidly into his face followed by my foot in his ass. I get to my other job here and they changed the locks on me, someone lost a key or something. Followed by me going to my usual workspace and no internet and no way of logging onto the network that has all of our shit on it. apparently on the 4th of July this place was struck by lightning and blew the network and they have been having to manually run new lines to fix it and they forgot about my poor computer. They said they'd try to do it tomorrow. I am tired as shit because I kept tossing and turning last night thinking about death, I'll continue that later.

This weekend was good, Saturday we woke up early and went to DC to the Haulocaust museum. which was interesting. I kind of got bored with it after a while though. It was cool looking at some of the stuff but I mean we've all heard the stories and seen the pictures before. My great grandfather was in the war and has told me the stories and showed me some of the pictures. It was him who started my sleepless night. He is 90 years old, he is great, happy, busy old man. Most 90 year olds are lying in bed waiting to die. He is out driving around trying to keep busy, fishing, having a couple beers, visiting friends and family. I'm sure he's probably gonna go soon, he has cancer, who knows where now I think last count was lungs and somewhere else. He refuses chemo(sp?) because last time they had to put him in a home and seeing him in the hospital was unbearable for me let alone for him. He likes to run about and keep busy. This man is always happy, when his wife died I think it was about 5 years ago he was sad I saw him shed a couple tears but then he was smiles, happy to see family and friends that came to the funeral. He makes the best of everything. He always comes over whenever I am in town, how often does someone get to see there great great grandson, we wanted to get a picture of all 5 generations together but his son, my grandpa is a dick and doesn't talk to anyone because his wife is a dirty cunt and they moved to Nevada and now alabama or somewhere. It would have been an awesome picture. But then my thoughts drifted to other grandparents and how hard it would be on me and what not. Then to my parents. Honestly I think I would have to take care of the other if one of my parents died. They both work to meet their bills and I don't think they would be able to make it without the others income. This scares the shit out of me. I have never seen my dad cry and I don't wanna imagine it, but I kept last night. It was crazy but I just couldn't stop it. I hope it's not a preminition or anything. But I guess we all have to go sometime, so I'm gonna go.

BLLAAAHHHHH!!!!

I don't know just blah. I came in late today around 11 and just realized that I get to go home soon, Dumbass truely is a dumbass. I took off yesterday when he finally showed up and he called me at 330 asking if I was coming back and I said no. He told me I need to let him know when I leave. I was like ok and hung up. He called me later and said that I could come in late today and he would take duty if I took it tomorrow, no biggie sure I'll sleep in a bit. But back to blah. I don't know if it contagious or what. Perhaps it's the rain, when it's not a monsoon outside it's just so fucking muggy from all the rain that I don't wannna move. I'm just so unmotivated to do anything but eat, sleep, and drink. Speaking of drink I made a pretty good blue rasberry martini last night. I figured I'd try it and it was goood. But back to whatever I was bitching about, oh yeah everything. But hopefully HB and I can have some fun this weekend, just us doing couples things, though I know my money is lowbut maybe go to DC if it's still standing after the flood, maybe so to the smithsonian or some shit, just hang out outside the house. Get out!! I need to call my buddy in New York maybe head up there towards the end of the month or so. I need to see him time just keeps ticking away, it's been way too long, is he still fat, is he still crazy, is he still a loud mouth, is he still full of himself. I am pretty sure the answer is yes to all of them but he could have lost weight. I'll call him this weekend. He is so funny and stupid, he got a job working with handicap kids,I think I may have said this on here before, but I called his cell and he was at work(with handicap kids) and he's saying "Dude I work with retards now" How dumb could you be to say retards at work, but apparently he's still there. He probably gets along well with them, they're on the same level of brain power. The only fear I have about going up there is since he's out I'm sure he smokes out and possibly does other drugs but I'm sure if I asked he wouldn't sit there and do it in front of us. When we were in Ohio I went to see an old friend that I have known since preschool but stopped hanging out before high school, so it had been about 10 years or so. Him and his brother light up in front of HB and I. How rude, but I didn't say much since it had been a long time I didn't feel it was my place to say anything since we were at his house, when the went to light the blunt I said we had to go. Poor HB, he was covering he mouth and nose with a jacket but they are a little slow on things like that.

HB has been stressin about where we'll be next year. I'm not too sure why, now that she seen where I am from I thought she'd see why I don't wanna go back. I mean yeah I love my family, at least most of them, and of course my son but I wouldn't be any good father living there, working at a fast food place and doing drugs. That's all there is. I've told her that I wouldn't mind moving to Texas with her. I her case it's the kid first because the kid is with her most the time. In my case, moving to be closer isn't the best for me or my son, now if the ex moved out of there too like she's been talking for God knows how long that would be great. At least in Texas I have one friend which is about all I have here now and he just got back from Iraq and is still settling back. To me it just doesn't seem as such a big deal. But she keeps saying "If we're still together" and that kind of bothers me a bit. I don't want to think of that scenerio. She needs to stop stressing about everything. I love her and will stand by her side whatever she decides. I will make my decisions. And my decision is to go smoke and then start doing a little work. Later. Oh yeah and if people haven't noticed Uncle Tom left to go to Korea and has a blog now, go listen to his stories!!

I'm back but maybe not mentally

So we are kid free now!! Let's recap the past couple days, shall we. So we went back to Ohio, my family loves HB, probably more than they love me, but thats cool. Only one of my aunts pissed her off but she kept her mouth shut until later and my mom agreed that she is a bitch and no one really likes her much anyway. We had a birthday party for my son, it was cool, we had a cookout and let the kids run amok and went swimming. We came back early, we left at noon on Monday cause I wanted to see Zefyur who was in town from the desert but we didn't get home til 8pm and he was too tired and had to get up really early for a flight, I was kind of pissed, I wanted to see him and left early to see him and he could sleep on the plane, but it was his choice so I let it go after bitchin a bit. I still love him and will still send him more porn, a blowup penis and sheep once HB has her sex party thing and I can order them. Yesterday I laid around all day in my boxers except I had to get dressed to go get a plunger because my toilet broke. Don't go to Bed bath and beyond for plungers, I just wanted a regular one but they only had fancy $20 ones. I was a little pissed but it did the job. Now I am back at work running in circles about to have an aneurysm. People are fucking stupid and piss me off. It started this morning I went to play with Liquid nitrogen and the piled shit in front of the door on palets so I threw them all over the place to get them out of my way, then finally put up signs that say don't block, we'll see if that works, probably not. Then my officer comes bitching about meters and it's always funny when he talks about them because I have no idea what he's talking about. He goes so fast talking about AN/PDR-70's and IM-265PDQ's with DT-680/PDQ probes. Now most of you probably have glazed over eyes and are scratching your head while drooling, yeah I do the same thing. I've only dealt with a couple meters and don't remember all those, so I just nod and pretend I know what he's talking about and then go get the list and say "yep, they need sent out" Then run back and forth to find them. Fun shit! Dumbass called me last night to say that his car broke down in Richmond and he had to wait until today to get a rental car and won't be in til this afternoon. I don't think he's smart enough to think of this all by himself so a buddy probably told him to tell me that before he got too drunk. If I was in charge of him, instead of the other way around, I'd tell him to go to greyhound and by a fucking bus ticket and be waiting for me when I get to work. He's such a piece of shit it makes me nauseous. I'm really close to ratting him out, especially since I'm leaving soon. Fuck him! I'm here every morning usually by 630, he comes in around 8 if I'm lucky but usually close to 9 or 10 and leaves early, I try to leave early but because I have another job. When I got off leave and did that pile of shit on my desk I put them on his desk to file, they are still there, he doesn't do shit when he's here except fucking watch movies and surf the net and leave. I just want to kick him in the head. I'm leaving when he gets here, he can fucking do duty everyday. That's the most work he'll ever do, wait til everyone leaves and make sure the fucking doors are locked, but he'll probably fuck that up to. Fuck, my blood pressure is probably through the roof now, I need to stop thinking about it, off to smoke it off.