Autumn is bringing Death

So for some reason my mind is in a continuous state of roaming and torturing me lately. I thought for a while that my numbness was fading but then shit started to get hectic in my life once again. I returned to my scapegoat of alcohol. I know that it doesn’t help me feel though it helps me numb to the numb, not care, I never really care. I sit and try to type though I have no passion, I’m not sure I’ve ever really had any passion. I try to feel but when I do it is for the wrong people or for the wrong reason. I fear that I will feel for someone because I only miss the feelings that can come with being with someone. Though I guess I’d actually have to get off my ass and come out of my shell to even get that far. What am I doing, what have I done. I look back at the past a lot lately. Remembering the times that brought this to now. I remember a time long ago, the exchange of class rings back to their original owners with a note stained with tears. The wrong choices then just like I always I made the wrong choice. I remember my first kiss and the scar I still have from that night. I remember the times I was sure that it was love. It had to be, but now I realize it has all been hope. Which is stronger hope or love? They both fuck up your mind. Neither is actually real, no emotion truly is. Emotions change so often, how can anything real change from one to its opposite, from love to hate. It seems everyone is changing with the seasons; the death of autumn is upon us. Why do I live in the past, perhaps because I have no future. I’ve tried to plan a future but I hate plans because then you get mad when things disrupt them, also things never work the way I plan. I am getting close to the point where I fall for anyone just to feel the pain of loss. Pain is what I am used to and has come to comfort me. Pain rids me of numbness. Life is pain, pain is life.

SILVERSTEIN "Call It Karma"

blame it on the weather, but i'm a mess
and this february darkness. has me hating everyone
and i know i give you comfort, but this trouble makes me sick
and the longer i lay here, i know it's harder to get up
without you

lose another day here
lose another year here
i'm with you

find me something out there, that's making sense
and it's just another trend carefully hidden in your dress
and the cycles neverending, and the fashions overdone
and the further that i run away, the further i'll come back
to shelter...

you are the fire, on my apartment floor
sixteen stories, i'd rather burn then fall
it isn't fate, that took us all by storm
it's just the turn of a card

you are the fire, on my apartment floor
sixteen stories, i'd rather burn then fall
it isn't fate, that took us all by storm
it's just the turn of a card

goodbye old friend
goodbye goodnight
i'll move on
you'll call it fate, i'll call it karma
we had our time, it was fun
while it lasted

i'll look back, with honor
and no regrets
i won't be mad, won't feel bad
these memories will never leave me
don't be sad
cause life goes on, life goes on
it's getting too late
tomorrow is here