This sucks ass

Yeah it really does. Well last night was fun, I went to Uncle Toms and he cooked me a nice meal, steak, shrimp, beams, potatoes. It was awesome, last time I was there I noticed horses across the street and told him that next time I came out I was going to get drunk and ride the horses. SO I was back out there drank a bunch of beer, he made me finish his rum and then said I was going to ride the horses, him and his bro were to scerd to come across the street, some friends huh. So I went over there, walked back and forth until the cars stopped going by and hoped the fence, I went up really cautiously to the horses, there were 3. I petted them and then they kind of ran away, so I walked back. I told them they were out and they had to come with me in case I get kicked off and hurt, someone had to get me out of there. I eventually talked Tom into coming down to the road. I went and did the same thing and was petting a white one and tried to jump on it, but it was too tall and ran away, then I came to a slightly smaller one, petted it and hoped on. It ran to the white horse and then made a weird sound so I got scared and jumped off. But it was a goal that I set and it was accomplished. I'm scared to listen to the audioblog because I am pretty sure it sounds stupid so I won't listen.

On to today.I had a counsling meeting thing, that was apparently about my drug problem, yeah that post that I was freaking out, I messed up, oh well. So I had to take a breathelizer when I get there and a piss test. The staff spoke spanish more than English and it pissed me off. I have to do AA once a week, go there once a week, and call a number every night and if my color code comes up I have to take a piss test the next day. It sucks ass! I have been doing a lot better at my drinking, like I told Tom a couple minutes ago I don't mind admitting that I drink alot, yeah my body may be messed up but I hate have shit against me on paper and all this is on paper. My drinking isn't affecting my work or anything else. I wasn't planning on drinking til midnight, on my Bday but now I am tipsy because they stressed me out and I wanted a drink. 2 things I think I hate the worst in life is pity and worry. And my bitching on here generally brings both, especially if I express my depression, granted I am not too bad right now but still. I deal with the consequences of my actions. I am a fuck up and I know it, yes I am better when I have my son, since I don't have him now I am having fun. I do have good friends that I know will be there for me if I need someone to talk to or need anything else. One of the questions on the sheet I was filling out today asked how many close friends I have and to be honest I think this is the most I have ever had, depending on how you look at it. To talk to I have 5 or 6, to borrow anything from or to bail me out of jail I probably have 3. But before today I never really realized it. Like Tom says learn what you can from this shit and right there a question on a sheet made me realize that I do have good friends here and I am really going to be sad when they/or me leave. I have already had a couple of them leave especially Zefur, but thats one of the downfalls of the military. and now I am rambling so I bid farewell and leave you with some lyrics though don't really fit, I was listening to the CD and I love this song:

"Swallow The Knife" by Story of the Year

So our open wounds will bleed
Until our veins run dry
Now we have to take this thorn
And tear it from our side
Agitated at the fault line
Still agreed to disagree
Your connected to the heart
But tonight we'll set you free

So swallow the knife
Carve the way for your pride
Now our hands are tied
The problems lie within
So we pray for night
To start over again

Even now as i write this down
All pretensions disappear
Now our impulses will bite
At the ankles of our fear

So swallow the knife
Carve the way for your pride
Now our hands are tied
The problems lie within
So we pray for night
To start over again

Now our hands are tied
The problems lie within
So we pray for night
To start over again

Words are spoken
Words are broken down

So lets make this night be our best mistake
So lets take the time to wipe the blood away
Now our hands are tied
And our world is caving in

Now our hands are tied
The problems lie within
So we pray for night
To start over again

Now our hands are tied
And the problems lie within
Words are spoken
Words are broken
Broken Down