Fuck the world...

Thinking sucks! I was supposed to win powerball the other day so I could have 365 million dollars and not have to think or work again but I guess that didn't happen. I checked my tickets today and all I got was a hole in my pants, no not in my wallet but in my pants. HB ripped my pocket where I keep my wallet as I was heading out the door to come to my other job and now I sit here with a huge hole in my ass, good thing I wear boxers, if I wore whity tighties skid marks may be showing. I really wanted that money, Friday I was going through everything I was gonna do with it in my head. I really don't want to be here today, I may not stay as late as I wanted. I wish I could just kept the hours I had before, I was happy, my routine was set and I'd been doing it for so long. I like the fact that I can spend more time with HB every other week, but I hate the fact that I'm not putting in the hours I am used to. I don't actually NEED this money anymore, since like I said on the first I should be completely out of credit card debt and the only thing I really need to pay will be my car and perhaps I can start paying more on that. I want to save money. I want to have a big ass nest egg, I never have had one before. It's hard having money in my bank account, I wanna go out and buy shit that I don't need. I was thinking about quitting this job but this is where I need to work when I get out. I need to go to school, Hell I need to figure out what I want to do. If I won the lottery I was gonna go to school and probably start a construction company. I miss doing that, it was fun. And if we ended up in Texas there would be work year round. No worries about winter. I could build houses, and when I didn't feel like working I would have to, perks of being a boss and owning your own company. But I didn't win I sit here making my ends meet, though not really happily. I get too bored working. Though the military had taught me the discipline to continue working even though I'm not happy, the thought is still in my mind like before, when I'm not happy I don't go to work and then I get fired or quit. It seems I never want to go to work anymore, I'm tired of it. I want to retire. Perhaps I can figure out how to use the Navy's money when I get out to go to school and have them send me a check while I work part time still. But then I'll get bored with school and I'll be right back in the same place. I don't know why I've been feeling down lately. Perhaps it's because I'm 23 and am still not sure what I want to do for the rest of my life, or what I want to be when I "grow up". I will probably keep doing what I'm doing with radioactive shit just because it's easy and good money. Though schooling is gonna be hard because they want me to understand everything. But I've already been doing it for almost 4years now, 2 different jobs and know that there really isn't any reason to understand it. I vaguely remember shit from school that I had a feeling I would never use again, and have been right thus far. Who knows. I just want to sleep for maybe a year or so. I could set my body on autopilot and see where I am when I wake up and just go from there. All the decisions can be made for me. I don't want to deal with them. I hate making decisions. How can I choose when I don't know what I want, when I really don't care. All I know is that I need to make money, that's what we're programmed to do. We have to pick something so we can make money and live and buy the stuff we need and want. Fuck money and fuck working. I just want to sit here and not do a god damn thing but scratch my ass through the hole in my pants. I just want to leave. Go off sit in the middle of the woods and fucking scream until my throat bleeds at this whole fucking world and myself for being a part of it. I am one of the cogs that keeps everything moving and I hate myself for that. I wish there was a way to rebel and change this but there isn't the world is happy in its routine, there a far to many of them and only one of me. If I refuse to work, think that if one cog stops the rest will fall, you are wrong, you will be replaced. I have no idea where I am going with this and frankly I don't care. I'm hungry I think I'm gonna leave now and go feed the machine my money some more. why fight it, there is no way to win. I'm too tired to even try, I just wanna sleep.