New Job....?

So yeah I may be putting in my 2 week notice today. I had an interview Tuesday for a place that I thought was more geared to medical stuff, I filled out the application with all the others I was doing but all the job seems to entail from my interview is you go hang out with mentally handicap people. My buddy from the Navy does this in New York except he works at a group home and he loves it. Here they live on their own and you just go hang out for a couple hours, take them bowling or go to the movies and shit and get paid for it! They said there are some that you have to give them medication and stuff but a lot of them can do everything on their own. It is less hours but a little more an hour raise and they said I'd get a raise after so long. But the drop ins they were telling me about were like 4-8 which would be good for my school schedule plus I wouldn't be working late, It's just been over a week and I can see myself getting burnt out kinda fast. I have been trying to get as many hours at work as I can cause I really really need the money right now until I get the money for my GI Bill, they screwed up my financial aid so I had to pay 300 for my books and shit and I'm not sure if I have to pay the 7-800 for this EMT class or not, I just have no clue what is going on...but anyway I have been working late and Tuesdays and Fridays I have to be at school early with not much sleep. I am pretty tired and cranky right now but I can't sleep cause I got some homework to do and then gotta leave for work at 4. It sucks! So the schedule will be better, the pay an hour better but probably be getting less hours so smaller check, I won't relly be working, I won't be sweating my ass off all night slaving in a kitchen. SO I have been trying to decide, I think I am gonna put in my 2 week notice today and let them know whats going on and stuff just in case I wanna come back or whatever. I like the job though I do get irritated at times with how busy and rushed everyone gets and then people start to get hostile, I don't really like that, I try to remain calm and take things one at a time then someone comes over yelling and getting up in my grill(get it) then I get mad and so on. But I go for orientation for the mew place on Thursday, they seem to want to get me in as soon as possible which is great except I may have to try to work both for a week which I think would be impossible so I think I'll put my 2 weeks in today and then tell the other place next wek that I just need to wait a week to start or depending on my scedule what days I have off. I dunno hopefully everything will work out, I guess I'll see!! Well off to do some homework!

Weekend Review....

So I haven't been home at all this weekend. First if I have any ones phone number(Martini if u still read) and you got drunkdialed Saturday, I am sorry, I didn't do it!! So Friday I went with a couple friends up to a cottage on the lake again, we just kinda hung out Friday played some cards and shit. Saturday we went out on the lake, did some swimming a guy skiied, 2 of us couldn't though because our feet were too big and the ski wouldn't go bigger, it sucked. Then we went to the store and got a shitload of beer and a guy bought some shots of liquor, oh yeah I gotta look that up. Quatro-tres, some spanish liqor that tasted so good like vinilla syrup! And Navy rum was good! Anyways we played beer pong which I kicked fucking ass in!! And then a guy got ahold of my phone and started calling a couple of the girls in my phone book, he called the crazy chick I was hooking up with in the latter posts and HB and SM or FSM whatever So I had a couple angry voicemails, but phone is messing up again like on the way to the concert it just dies, I took it to sprint and they said the battery was dead even though it charged all night so I just have to keep it on the charger and take it in tomorrow slightly charged. Dumbasses! But then yesterday I went with my parents to a casino, I didn't win enough to get more tattoos :( I broke even I lost 150 yeasterday and won it back today before we came home so wasn't too bad, my parents lost a couple hundred I guess, they didn't say much. I missed school today, my second day of Phycology class, that kinda sucks, I hope I'm not behind too much Wednesday, tomorrow I gotta get up early tomorrow for my first EMT class, hopefully I can get everything straight with that, I also have an interview for a place working with the handicap, they kinda took forever to call me back and now I guess they are holding mass interviews at least thats what it seems, but I am gonna try to kick into the place, I definately could use the extra money and I am tired of my face breaking out from working in fast food again, I don't think my coworkers will be wuite as fun but give and take, its all got good and bads right... Well I am off to do some homework and then try to get to bed early. And if u were drunkdialed, let me know what was said cuz HB didn't talk to me, the crazy chick is kind of ignoring my and SM hasn't returned my calls, I have no clue what was said, the guy IU think did it was wasted and says he doesn't remember so.... I can only apologize and say it really wasn't me!

Silverstein Xs 5!!!!

So last night was the best concert ever and probably the 3rd best day of my life! It started pretty bad traffic sucked getting to Detroit, I kinda got losed because some roads were blocked and cops were directing traffic, I finally decided to just park, I found a lot. My phoine kept just shutting off, it wouldn't stay on, then it wouldn't even turn on. The lot ended up being right around the corner from the venue. I didn't get anyone to go with me, I went in the bar next to it, sat had a couple drinks talked to the bartenders til doors opened. I'm not going to go into it about the bands cuz I only got a couple hours sleep and gotta go to school in half hour. Smoke and water or something was cool during it I made some guy buy me a beer for talking shit. Comeback Kid kicked fucking ass some chick came up and started making out with me. SIlverstein of course was great but still didn't play already dead, I also made out with this girls friend. Also during Silverstein I shoved back some guy who got pissed off and punched me in the face, as he tried to do it a second time I grabbed his arm and broke it. I finally got to do one of the fucking moves I learned in hand to hand combat.I grabbed his arm over my shoulder and just yanked the fucker, he just kind of ran off. It was fucking hilarious, I do have a bit of a mark on my cheek though. Rise Against was very good I definately want to see them again too! But got to make out with 2 chicks and break a dudes arm, I don't think I can top that. Hell I don't think I ever even made out at a concert when I went with a girlfriend, I kissed but not like that. Then on the drive home I had to drive though a fucking monsoon! I could barely see the road!!! But I got home safe and have a great story. Good things, bad things, and great fucking memories! But I should have some pics, I'll try to post them sometime this weekend.

Saliva and other shit

So Sunday I did get to see Saliva play in my small ass fucking town! Barely! So we have been having floods and shit, they couldn't play at Kmart parking lot because it was raining so they moved it over to the latin american club which they said could only hold 550 people, they solde about 1500 tickets! So this means big riot in small town right. We got there plenty early(me and my cousin) but I was hungover(still drunk) I stayed up all night with some guys from work drinking, so I took a nap in my car when I woke up there was a long ass line. I noticed that I knew like everyone working security and shit. We waited in the cold ass wind and freezing rain for 3 hours til they opened the doors and then they let people in and stopped 5 people from us and said they were full. My friends said they'd get us in a side door but then they came back and said they could let 20 more people in, so we were good. They actually had a shitton more room but that was the "maximun occupancy". But had a good time, it was my 13 year old cousins first concert, little kids had a mosh pit going but cops came in and busted it up, these cops were fucking stupid! A 9 year old crowd surfed, a sherrif fucking threw people to get the kid down and then dragged off a guy who helped pick him up, if he fucking wanted up who cares its a fucking rock show!!

Tomorrow I am going to see Rise Against, Silverstein, and Comeback Kid!! in Detroit, I can't find anyone to go with me :( this town sucks, I almosist had this 17 year old kid I work with but he has to go school shopping with his mom! I just keep busting his balls, hes funny. But all my friends who would dig that music fucking work and that is only like 3 people! Whatever, I'll just waste money on an extra ticket like usual!

Today was my first day of school!! I have Psychology on Monday and Wednesday, EMT Basic on Tuesday and Biology on Friday! Kinda sucks I couldn't get at least a couple on the same day since I have to drive like 20 miles to the place but whatever, I can deal with one class a day. I also got my first check at work, that fucking sucked!!!!! I was getting twice that every fucking week, but I am getting this every 2 weeks!! I will not be able to pay my bills, thank god to my GI Bill that should start paying me to go to school here next month! I had to take out a loan to get me to then! I finally got my tat finished, I just got some green background for Homer and Bart, some negative stars, it looks cool! I was talking to him about what I wanted for my other arm, an actual heart with a dagger through it, he said we could put the heart in the middle of the barbed wire I already have and make it work! I am going gambeling with my parents this weekend for my moms bday, hopefully I will win again so I can pay some bills and start on my other arm! I want to be fucking covered with tats! I have some more ideas! But here is a couple of pics from the show sunday! Oh yeah the guitarist I think his name was Johnny got a tat at the shop I go to before the show! They are supposed to come back to play a makeup show for those who didn't get in, I still got my ticket so I will be there!





Below is the guy who got the tat!

My Tattoo and some Darma

So I really don't have anything much to say. But I figured I'd update a little and put some pics up of my half sleeve for those of you who haven't seen it, feel free to comment on it. I love it, it should have been finished yesterday but we had some miscommunication so it will be finished Tuesday all thats left is putting a green background on the inside behind Homer and Bart. I like all the different fonts we used for each word, I just wish my "box at the elbow looked a little more like a box. I like the way my heart at the tip of it isn't a full heart, its incomplete. There were just little things that the tat guy suggested and helped make things better, I wish I had the drawing I went in with it was quite funny considering I have no artistic ability whatsoever! I was trying to draw and squeeze this box and words all on the inside of my arm which would never have fit, but that ws one of the main things I really wanted! I just didn't know how to put it on or fit it in. But whatever I love the work he did and I love the work on my arm!! I am sad that it will be over, I am trying to figure out what next, I am thinking about a dagger though a bleeding heart or something. I have to put something on my other arm cuz all it has is barbed wire and looks naked now compare to this! but here they are.







But hope everyone has a good weekend, I will be working though I am supposed to meet a new friend tomorrow before work, we'll see if shes as phyco as the last one. I've talked to her a couple of times, she seems cool but I guess she is religious, we'll see how much cuz we know that ain't my style. But I told the other chick that it was over and she got pissy and gave me attitude about the chick who left me some comments on myspace. Her fucking boyfriend was just here, she fucked him, it broke our deal and I told her that. Then she started saying well its 4 more months until he'll be back and that she was thinking about telling him to forget it and breaking it off and blah blah blah. I thought about telling her I thought about being a millionaire, it doest change the reality huh. But instead I didn't say shit, I don't have to say shit, we didn't really have anything but she got pissy and said she was going to bed. Fucking crazy, she's the one cheating on her boyfriend and gonna try to guilt me. Women! Whatever, I don't repect cheaters anyway anyone who knows me knows that. Why was I the other guy, because I was lonely and if it wasn't me it'd just be someone else so why not. Plus we were straight up with each other, there was no commitment, I at least had the decency to tell her that it wasn't going on anymore instead of just ignoring her cuz I did think about doing that too. Whatever, lets see if she starts talking shit now.

So lets see what was the last post?? I didn't get to see Silversun Pickups yet again, I probably never will, my friend that lives in Columbus was up here, we hung out there was a huge birthday party, it was fun. I swear I hate him though, Uncle Tom would understand.... he can pick up any instrument and play it well. Some fucking alien thing could fall from the sky and he could probably make good music with it in 10 minutes. I keep telling him he has to teach me, we'll see though. But Saliva is playing here next Sunday so I will definately be seeing them, but I guess we probably won't get much time to hang out with them, I guess the drummers mom just died. Then I bought tickets for Silverstein, Rise against, and Comeback kid up in Detroit next Thursday. Hopefully I can find someone to drag with me, all the other concerts I put off buying tix until something came up and I couldn't go so I bought these already because its fucking Silverstein and its a new fucking album so I have to see them, plus I like the other bands!!

Lets see the drama with that chick, she just hasn't talked to me all week, so yeah I am done with her, she is in love or thats what shes saying on myspace so I am done, I am not going to fuck with love. I pretty much thought she was by the way she'd talk to him on the phone. Plus like I said I don't need that shit, let someone else deal with it. My son said he ran into her at the store when he was with his mom, that should have been funny especially since she was probably with her boyfriend and my son was with his mom... But whatever I have been talking with some other people and shit. I start school in a week and a half....so I am going to be busy as shit... About time! Well I need to go play with my kid, I think we'll go to the park today even though its probably gonna be hot as hell yet again!

Here comes the drama!!

Well lets begin with work isn't too bad. It kinda sucks knowing I went from a cushy job making 20/hr to sweating my ass off in a kitchen for less than 7. But whatever lifes got its ups and downs, a couple months ago I was haapy and in love too, now I am single and the chick I am fucking is a nut. So her "boyfriend" or whatever that lives in Florida and wanted to move up around Christmas is now coming up for a visit next weekend. I am trying to decide if I should use this as an out or not. We had a deal, only have sex with each other, that was it no other commitments except to not sleep woth other people. Well she is more than likly gonna sleep with him so that breaks our deal. But I like having her around, I am shy I can't just go out and even drunk, find a girl and make out with or take home or whatever. I have a couple of times but it is rare and was a whole lot easier in a big place like DC instead of here where I will see that person again or someone there will see it and talk shit and my business will be all over or whatever. SO that is my personal inner debate right now. She is cool and all but she tells the same damn stories over and over. Shes had a rough life but I am tired of hearing how her ex husband beat her and this and that, once is enough. She was raped once and almost raped another, ok, once I know that is it, I don't want to hear it over and over again. That wouldn't be a subject that I think I would want to keep bringing up anyways. Then I find out this "boyfriend" is a friend that she hasn't actually seen in person for like 10 years or something crazy like that. How fucking nuts is that? He calls her like 20 times a day and it sucks when I am with her she still answers it. So then I have to sit and listen to her fucking talk sweetie to him then come sit on my lap and start kissing on me. That is just weird, it makes me feel like an asshole and I don't like feeling like an asshole. Then now there are a shitload of hotties at work but they all look like jailbait, I haven't asked anyones age just so I don't feel like a complete perv. I like everyone I work with except there is one dumbass that no one likes. I was supposed to go see Silversun Pickups monday in Toledo but they sold out before I could get tix but they are playin a festival thing in Columbus so I am gonna have a friend get some tix for me and I can go down and stay with him. I haven't seen him for a couple years, it should be fun. I think thats about it for now. I gotta get up and open in the morning, I need to go to sleep but I am not that tired yet. It sucks!

New Job!!

So I now work in the kitchen at a wings joint! I wanted to be a bartender or waiter while I was in school but at this point I am just happy to have a job. Friday night I was out with a couple buddies drinking there and a guy came out of the kitchen that I worked with a long time ago at Taco Bell. I told him to get someone fired so I could have a job, he went and got the manager, he came back and asked if I wanted a job, I said yeah, he said ok come Sunday for orientation. The tonight was my first night, there are a couple of old friends that work there, but we lost touch on purpose and on bad terms, but I am willing to put it in the past that they fucked me over. Not much I can do. But the job isn't bad so far, its fast! Lots of people eat there all the time! But that helped time go faster so it was all good. So Now I am gonna have my plate full, I'll be working, my school starts the 22nd, Still spending time with my son, still trying to make new friends, and everything else. We'll see how long it takes for me to burn out. I need it though it sucks being bored and stuck home during the week since my 2 friends work 2nd shift. Well obviously I don't have anything intelligent to say right now, just wanted to update that I have a job!!! Yay me.

Sick Puppies!

So not really anything new, same shit, trying to find a job, getting more and more stressed about money. Trying to figure out how to pay my car and the rest of my bills next month, I may go try to get a loan and say I am still in the Navy and see if that works. But since I don't have much to say I am posting to tell whoever will read or listen about Sick Puppies Click that link and go listen to this band. Anyone who knows me knows how passionate I am about music and "new bands" stuff I haven't heard and then just absolutely fall for, like Silverstein who remains one of my top favorite bands. Well I believe it was on myspace the other day I was bored and checking on bands and I came across this one. I swear I have heard a couple of the songs before, it just kinda has that feel like it has always been a part of my life. It is rock, some mellow, some screaming, some fucked up lyrics, some sentimental, but all of it is fucking great!! I can't stop listening to it. Another fucking addiction. Seriously I made 2 copies of their CD so I can listen to it in the car and keep it playing in my room when I am home. The first 2 songs are my favorite. Actually if you turn on your speakers I have as many songs as I could find on the playlist over there on the side but I know you can't scroll down though. But "My World" and "Pitiful" are my favorite and though I want to post all their lyrics on here I will stick with these 2 songs that you can read while listening to if you can!! I am trying to see if I can see them in Detroit when they come by. On another music note, Saliva is going to play a benefit concert here in my small ass town at our kmart parking lot next month. Funny shit, I should be hanging out with the band cuz my cousin knows a guy and hung out with them before. I will definitely post when that happens.

"My World"

I'm not comin' back
I'm not gonna react
I'm not doin' shit for you.
I'm not sittin' around while you are tearin' it down around us.
I'm not livin' a lie while you swim in denial
'Cause you're already dead and gone
You leave me out on the curb just like everyone else before you.

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

I don't care what you think I'm not seeing a shrink.
I'm not doing this again.
I'm not another student or a mother to take your shit out on
So let's see what you got, let's see what you're not
And what ever else you pretend
You defended my intention long ago

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.

I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world

So here I am again.
In the middle of the end.
And the trust I wish I'd made
I always make too late

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone.
I know that yes it burns
And I'm drowning in the ashes
Kicking
Screaming
Welcome to my world.

My world
My world (welcome to my world)
Welcome baby.

"Pitiful"

Made the toast,
Burnt the eggs,
Never got the hang of them,
Just another other day.

Caught the bus,
Forgot the change,
Looks like I'll be late again,
Hopefully they won't complain.

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose

Went to work,
Saw you there,
But you never seem to care,
For a single thing I say.

I set the clock and went to sleep,
This anxiety I keep,
Through another fucking day.

(Looks like that's all today i'm dying)

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.
Oh, its just another overdose.

My life's so pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..
Pitiful..

My lifes so pitiful,
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't end it all,
If there's a reason then I haven't found it yet.

And I'll try every drug I find,
Except maybe heroin and cyanide,
But theres a reason I just can't afford it yet.

Well my life's so pitiful.
My life's so pitiful.
My life's so pitiful.
I'm dying.

so yeah....

Sorry about the little explosion the other day. I don't really have anyone to vent my feelings or frustrations to anymore. There are quite a few of them but it seems everyone else has bigger problems to worry about than me. My cousin is fucking broke, his car broke and everything else is going wrong with him. Chris is never around and we don't seem to talk anymore. The couple guys I hang out with, I don't bring up anything but I am broke. People keep giving me shit because I am broke and can't afford to pay my bills next month but I have spent 370 bucks on my tat this month. But at this point I really don't give a fuck. I have been worse off and the past couple years I have been doing really good, I can recover, I fucking deserve to spend money on myself. SO this chick I have been hanging out with is fucking crazy... I don't know really what her deal or angle is... We talked at first about being friends and shit, then decided on fuck buddies, she kinda has a boyfriend that lives in Florida and will be moving up here next year or some shit. Whatever, then she starts talking about she really liked me and all this, so I started kinda feeling like a dick cuz I like her but not that much, you know. Well so she still talks to Florida and tells him she loves him and all this shit. Cool, I don't care. Well I think it was last weekend or the one before, we went and saw a couple bands, well she got trashed...bad. She was drunk dialing people and screaming they had a small dick and she was hooking up with me and shit. I can deal with that I know she hadn't drank in a while and was blowing steam or whatever. Well she is pretty hot and has guys hitting on her constantly again, I don't care we just have sex. But she tries to rub it in my face. This guy in south carolina wants her to move there and live with him, a guy in Wisconsin or some shit, the Florida guy, and now she keeps telling me about this guy from the band we saw, the guy was pretty cool and was talking to me and shit about how we could come down to Columbus and crash with him and just party and shit, he seemed cool. Now she keeps telling me how they talked and shit, like she is trying to make me jealous. It sucks, other than that she is cool and shit, our kids get along great and love playing and everything else. The sex is getting better now that she is warming up to me. But I don't know how long I can deal with the drama. I just want to tell her to shut the fuck up and talk about something other than the guys who want to fuck her. I mean her only request was that while we were fucking, we only fuck each other, thats a good rule, I like that rule. But perhaps we should have added, that I don't want to hear ablut others that want to fuck you or that you are trying to line up for the future. I don't fucking tell her that last night when I was out with my buddies that I was talking to another chick and what the fuck ever you know, there are lines. I dunno know, I just need to find someone else who can make the same deal without the extra drama... I mean I really like the fact that we are fairly honest and open about everything but there are just things I don't want to hear. Like HB would tell me about someone else fucking her, thanks for sharing but not something I need to hear! I mean how would you like to hear I was fucking the shit out of my ex wife and I accidently shoved my dick in her ass and she screamed at me to get it out and jumped like a mother fucker. Its just something that should stay with you... I don't know I am tired and bored as shit. I have been having insomnia lately I can't seem to sleep until like 3 or so. I bout sleeping pills, they don't really work either. I just move back and forth from the computer to the tv, time to move to the tv. Goodnight.

HA

Ok I obviously have a hard time letting go and all the other bullshit. My last post I said about how no girl will measure up to HB. Then talked about how it was shitty the way it ended and asked how much was bullshit because at the end she tells me how miserable I had been making her for months. So how many months could that have been, I don't know because she didn't tell me so obviously I was being bullshitted at the end and if that makes me question how long I am an asshole. Tell me to get off my fucking high horse, read this whole fucking blog from the brginning, all 600 posts, find me one fucking piece where I am on a fucking high horse. I am a nice guy, that is all I claim to be... besides that I am a fuck up I always have been and always will be from the start of HB and I's relationship I told her I'd fuck it up, thats what I do. Don't get pissed at me when I do what I told you from the begining. I fucking know the list of problems I have and am, I know what I can fix and when, I have worked hard on the things I have changed and I am still working on everything about me. You want me on a fucking high horse, you want me to brag about myself. I am honest, I never fucking lied to you. I told you exactly how I felt from day 1 to the fucking end and to this day. I didn't omit or hide my feelings like you obviously did. I told you when I was upset with your son, I didn't hide that fact either. Yes I am fucking immature and let a kid reduce me to arguing, so fucking what. Yes that is my problem, be happy I learned to control the anger that made me welt my own childs ass or else I am sure I could have done worse to one that wasn't mine. Yes I drink, I am a fucking alcoholic, it fucking runs in my family it is hereditary, I am still fighting it. Other than having my fucking son here to distract me, there is no reason for me not to drink. When he goes to bed I no longer have a reason to stay sober, but I have fought it because it means something to me because that is one of the reasons I lost HB. If it made me lose something that was important to me, it is worth working on and everything that HB stated as reasons that it wouldn't work out meant something to me, I worked on every fucking one of those reasons. Why...to get her back...NO! Because I knew that IF BIG FUCKING IF someone like her came into my life again, I didn't want a repeat of the same fucking things to go wrong. I am not just talking about HB as a girlfriend, fiance, wife or anything else, she was my fucking best friend, I told her more than I told Chris and I told Chris almost everything, and what do I have to show for either nothing! They are both in Texas and I am here trying to make new friends where only one other person knows almost as many secrets. I am here starting from scratch, I have no fucking job, no more fucking money, 2 fucking friends, drama keeps following me, I have good reasons to get smashed as fucking hell, and just OD on everything I can get my hands on and I fucking want to so fucking bad but I don't. I have not smoked any weed, I did do coke one night, but that was my first night I went out after I quit smoking, I haven't gotten fucking drunk, I quit smoking, ME I quit fucking smoking! I get up everyday and keep fucking fighting, I go around this fucking shithole of a town and fucking fill out job applications for stupid fucking shit jobs and they don't fucking call me cause my training in Helth physics sounds too fucking complicated for them to understand. Fuck it! I just want to fucking say fuck everything, fuck you, fuck me, fuck this whole fucking world, and slip into another depression but I fight that too. Fuck it I'm done for now!

Sex and other stuff

First off I'd like to apologize to Dan, Uncle Tom, and Zef if you read this. You guys are the last readers of mine that I can spot, a couple come up occasionally but I can't tell who they are or where they are. So if your a stalker and read this please leave me a comment. And if your a dude you may not want to continue...lol. I have decided I am not telling anyone about this blog anymore. People who stumble on it will stumble on it and hopefully tell me what they think. I like the idea of sharing this with people, just not too many people who know me too good. The few who do, I don't mind and please keep reading and leaving comments. So I have had a couple drinks tonight which is more than I have been drinking. I've mentioned before how I have an urge to just get fucked up!! I don't really know why, things haven't been that bad! I just can't understand. There are lots of thoughts running through my head lately. I kind of have a new steady sex, who is addicted and loves my cock, but it just isn't HB. When I kiss her, her lips are so small and I don't know how to explain it, not full and embracing. The sex isn't too bad, she is in great shape for having 2 kids and shit, she is skinny as hell and tight, I thought I'd split her in 2. But so far she just kinda lies there and I like to feel I don't know something. HB is a hard act to follow, seriously. I put all my bets on her and I felt so much for her, that anyone else I just feel guarded against. I feel no one is as good. And when I started thinking about it, I actually have no clue how many people I have slept with. Seriously, I can't name or number how many people I had sex with between my ex wife and HB, I know 3 for sure but the rest is a drunken blur. It kinda sucks. I feel like a douche. I know I am a nice guy but that time of my life was a mess, and I feel that the next girl I am ready to settle down with asks how many people I have been with I will feel like a dick because I can't give an exact number or names or anything. The one I am with now has hinted around to asking and shit. One of the main things is I feel really bad to comparing her or anyone in general that I talk to to HB. I'm still not positive about her, why should I compare people to her. I am still confused to what all was fake and real with her. Everything seemed so real and great and then just all went to hell, we had some tough times but I didn't expect it to go as bad as it did. Now she won't talk to me and shit, makes me wonder you know. Maybe it was all bullshit. I was just occupying her time while she was stuck in Maryland. It really fucks with my head, well like most things. I believed everything until she dropped me like a bad habit for the crappy comment and shit. Then I just kinda think about how it all could have been bullshit. How I am so fuckin Gullible, to believe that she had feelings for me and everything else. Or that how she could just drop the feelings like she did. I can understand moving on but not really the way she did. She planned everything before she even talked to me and that is fucked up. I don't want to go though that drunken, sex phase again where I can't remember all that happened. My ex-wife has been causing drama and shit. Last night my friend was over with her 2 girls, the kids were playing good and shit then the XW calls up bitching that she didn't know these people and there are weirdos here and shit. I bite my lip for a while literally but she kept pressing so I went off on her family and pissed her off, she threatened to come get our son, Then we started yelling, then we talked and then she apologized. It was nuts. I hate that bitch and her family but I have been good on keeping quiet about everything. She should know better than to start shit with me. I am a nice guy until provoked then I can be brutal! Well I can't think of much else to say for now, may be back later after a few more...lol!

Just an Update

So I think my last post was about the temptations of alcohol. Well I did end up getting a bottle of Beam, but I have controlled drinking it. I make me a drink every once in a while. I have been quite obsessed with getting my tattoo, anyone who has a couple may kind of understand. It is addicting as well, I must just have an addicting personality, I seem to get addicted to everything, drinking, smoking, concerts, tattoos, watching tv, sex, certain people, and probably more. But it is good, I had my third session yesterday, it was just coloring but my shoulder is quite sore, more than it has been the other 2 times, I probably have 2 more until its finished but I may only have the money for one more, its been costing 100 a pop so.... I'm sure I will come up with the money even if I end up broke! It is therapeutic, the pain feels good and I just sit there for a couple hours talking with a cool dude about shit and when we don't talk my mind sorts through different problems. I am just excited to about how its all coming together on my arm and looking fucking awesome as hell. Since I haven't put a pic up and the people who see it on myspace probably can't figure it out, I had a 4 leaf clover on my shoulder, I surrounded it with flames, put a ca deuce(medical symbol) underneath it and at my elbow is kind of a make shift Pandora's box( it doesn't quite look like a box like I wanted but it fits great and works a lot better) It has a couple heart shaped symbols in it and coming out of it are different emotions: Anger, hope, love, sadness, Hate, Pride, desire, happiness, fear. Then hopefully the last session will be Homer and bart simpson on the inside of my arm to symbolize me and my son. The guy doing it seems to keep putting this off for last cuz he knows its gonna be pretty difficult and painful.

Aside from that I have made a new friend, it has been quite interesting, we made it clear that we were just gonna be friends with benefits because I don't want a relationship and she said the same but I think she is starting to have feelings for me. Its kinda funny, I figured I would be the one to start getting attached but I just kind of feel like a cold asshole. It hasn't gotten to bad though, we'll see what happens with that. She is really cool, and pretty hot, really skinny though, its bad when I think I am gonna break someone in half, I am pretty skinny. But yeah theres that.

HB won't talk to me anymore cuz she called and said she was missing movies and kept asking if I was sure I didn't have her girly movies, I said no. She eventually found them and apologized. Then she said sorry for being a cunt, all I did was jokingly say I was used to it and she hung up won't return my calls and kicked me off her myspace and everything else. Hell we joked alot worse than that before, I apologized several times if it did offend her, but I think she just wanted an excuse to end all contact and I gave it to her since all bills are paid and we got our money. It would have been easier to just say something like hey I think it would be better for me for us not to talk or something instead of trying to make me feel like it is all my fault when it isn't but whatever. We can't all be perfect.

Here's the lyrics from a son on Silversteins new album which I LOVE!! What else is new, they are awesome!

Silverstein- Worlds Apart

Lying all alone, wishing you would call.
Writing all my thoughts has broken all my bones.
You gave it all up, you threw it all away.
There's nothing I can do.

What do I think of dying?
You know it's even worse than what's in my head.
You don't believe me when I tell you,
I don't want to be a fraud and pretend that everything's fine.
I won't be here when you get home.
I'm not gonna sit here and die.

I'll follow through again this time.
I'll swallow swords
I'll be just fine.

You read me like a book.
You know I'm running out of legs to stand on.
I won't believe you when you tell me.
These old habits die so hard.
There's not intervention in sight.
There's no point in calling you.
I'm just gonna stand here and fight.

I'll follow through again this time.
I'll swallow swords, spit out my pride.
I'll be just fine.
You fill my head with endless lies.
You're killing me, I'm killing time.
I'll be just fine.

So, maybe one day the pain will go away,
And I will see your face,
I won't even care.
Changing all the locks 'cause I can't change you.

Temptation

SO I have been facing some temptations lately. As I have stated I have quit smoking, that was actually easy. I sometimes want one but it really isn't that bad. I have been getting my arm covered with tattoos, I don't want to stop, I want to keep going, but I am running out of money and really need to find a job. But the greatest temptation is actually Jim Beam. I have done really good on not drinking, only drinking beer when I am at a party or something. Last weekend I went to a "club" (well place where they play music and you can dance, not really much of a club though) and in my attempt to get the courage to dance a friend got us yager bombs and the Beam and cokes. It was almost like Frank the Tank in old school, "just once it hit your lips!" and I really wanted to go get more and since I want to go get a bottle, the shits like crack to me! I have been keeping myself out of depression though I have been feeling a little blue with the money situation, and some other things but I wouldn't think I was to the point I have been before where I need to drown myself in a bottle. Obviously we all get to the point once in a while where we want to just go out and get fucked up and fucked. But I don't know I just feel like I need to get some. I don't understand, but I am not giving in. Everything lately has been about me not giving in to the temptations I feel, well except for sex, but whatever. Now I just need to get better at not putting everything off, like finding a job!!! Well I am off back to the tattoo studio, I am posting as we go pics on my myspace, I will post the final pics here whenever we get finished!

Breaking the Habit

So I had my last cigarette yesterday, it has been over 24 hours. I am not really as bad as I thought I would be. I have been chewing gum and mints to keep myself busy. I've had small cravings but the main thing is just the habit. I have been breaking lots of habits lately, I guess I might as well hit them all as fast as possible. Stop smoking, don't drink as much, don't give my heart away, get in shape, remain active, don't mope around and be lazy and depressed. Hopefully I will be getting my security deposit back this week in which I will use a portion to get a half sleeve tattoo, and perhaps buy a better digital camera since mine sucks ass. I need to turn in my applications to see if I can be a Waiter or bartender, which isn't glamorous but will help me get more social skills and be enough to help pay my bills. Then this fall I will start college, I will actually be sitting in a classroom and everything and be a real college student, like in Van Wilder!! I wish. I will be getting an EMS certification and then maybe go for RN or something that will make some more money. I loved working with Radiation because I could be lazy as shit and make good money but I think I need more of a sense of accomplishment now, I want to help people. Many people have helped me alot on my journey thus far though life, I want to help others. I kind want to do the psychiatrist thing, maybe I can be a nurse or something there and help restrain crazy people, who knows. I've got limited plans at the moment and just trying to stay in the moment, with small plans so I won't be too upset when they change. I am sore as hell, I went away for the weekend with an old friend and his friends. Did some drinking but I wasn't alone and it wasn't too much, and we did some tubing and just had fun, it was a great weekend. It was a nice break and getaway. Things have been getting pretty monotonous, hopefully a job or something will help. Well I guess that is all for now, no one reads anymore anyway except Uncle Tom and Dan, thanks guys for continuing to offer advise and such!!

The set up

So far Ohio hasn't been to bad but as I said before at least I have more distractions and people to talk to than my last days in Maryland. It's been over a week and last night was the first night I got to sleep in my new place. Amuzingly its not as quiet here as it was in Maryland. I have new scars covering my body. I have been constantly working on the apartment to keep myself occupied busting my knuckles all along the way. I electrocuted myself the other day installing ceiling fans even though there was no power to the lines, I have no clue how that happened, I've stabbed myself with broken lightbulbs, I burnt my back working on the roof, I just keep moving. Until last night Friday night here alone, I sat on my chair next to the window listening to the sounds around me, sweating my ass off from not having an air conditioner in the living room only in the bedrrom. I sat and took turns reading my book, playing my guitar, and just watching tv. It was a little lonely but it was also a little conforting. I can sit here with my body sore and my mind clear and just be. But as soon as I get in bed no matter how tired I am, I just toss and turn and still can't get to sleep. My mind is still aching and still toiling over the events that put me here and now. Tonight me and my parents are going gambling in Indiana, my mom made a comment thatr she got me my own room if I wanted someone to go with me, I said I have no one to go with. She said she felt bad that I am stuck hanging out with them, I just smiled and said at least I have you guys. I've forgotten how important my family is. My parents don't have much money yet they have probably spent at least a thousand dollars repairing this old apartment for me. My dad has been getting up at 5am and working til 730 or 8 then before eating would come upstairs and keep working on the plumming or whatever still needed to be done. Its actually bringing tears to my eyes right now. After losing someone I love, I forgot about the others who love me even more than I could realize. My time I have been spending with my son has been good we only had one fight about him eating lettuce and tomato. Though I was very irritaed and he was throwing a fit like I was trying to kill him I could only laugh at the silliness of it all. I have yet to see any of my friends here nor make new ones, I still haven't even attempted to find a job, I am quickly running out of money, but it doesn't seem to bother me much. Suprisingly it is a little different than before. It's not the "I don't give a fuck" attitude that has brought me to depression many times before, It's more of a " I don't need to worry myself, everything will work out" attitude that I so needed at many points in my life. The apartment is finished, now its time to work on me, my body, my mind, my carrer, my relationship with my family and my son. I need to learn how to not let my past failures haunt my dreams.

Season Finale

With all the season finales on tv I can't help but think of this being my season finale. One chapter closing and wondering what is going to happen next season. This really probably will be my last post for a while, today is my last day at work, they will be picking up my stuff including my computer tomorrow. Just like watching them on tv I feel a mix of emotions, how could it end like this, why are there still so many questions left open, kind of angry, kind of sad, kind of excited. I am hopeful. I will continue to work on myself and my relationship with my son. I do feel alot better, I don't know if its the books I've been reading, the meditation tapes I've been listening to while falling asleep, or the fact that I have been working out again, harder than before. I will get the body I want this summer or die trying. Seriously, I will not be working, I will just be playing with my son, there is a weight bench in my parents basement, I can have some time everyday to actually work out and I will make sure I do it! I have to look good, it will help me feel better about myself, it will help keep my mind busy, it will make a difference. With that I will also try to quit smoking or at least cut back dramatically at first. I know that with the stresses of moving it may take me a while but that is next on the list. So I guess this is it for now. See you next season!

Funny shit

So I usually sit down and eat and play on addictinggames.com during my lunch break well today they had this "game" whack your soul mate. For the guy I think the best is a toss up between the computer and airplane, the funniest of all is defianetly the fist, but thats the girls.

Whack Your Soul Mate

Apparently the pic and stuff doesn't work but click the link and play with it, it's hilarious!

My newest addiction

Obviously I mentioned before reading a couple self help books well I think I am getting addicted to them. They are really interesting and helpful to me. Plus reading helps distract me and helps pass the time. I mentioned to HB today that she was lucky she had friends here, she accused me of trying to make her feel guilty. I have never tried intentionally to make her feel guilty. It just really sucks right now. I really don't have any friends here other than her. Uncle Tom is here for a little while but he is busy trying to see everyone and spend time with his wife he hasn't been with for a while before they move to England. I have just been really bored and lonely. I feel bad for asking her if I can go with her when she goes to see friends, she invited me to dinner a couple days ago, that was nice but I just want to get out of the house and it doesn't help to get out by myself. Its not like I can go to a bar or club, I don't know how to dance and I don't want to drink and I would just end up sitting by myself and feeling worse. Then again maybe she feels awkward with me just being around. I have done good and stopped trying to kiss her or telling her I love her, that doesn't mean I don't still want to but I have finally managed to stop because I knew that she didn't like it. The books and everything has helped me from telling myself that it's the end of the world. It hurts and will hurt but I will keep going. The other day I actually went for a run around the block just to get out, anyone who knows me knows I hate running but I may try to start every once in a while, it was kind of relaxing. Last night I went for a walk in the rain, it has been a long time since I've done that, it was a little colder than I would have liked but I went to the park and sat on the swings remembered funner times when we would play at the park, it was so quiet and peaceful. I liked it. But I am just trying to find things to keep me busy so I don't sit around and make myself depressed since I don't have friends here. I walked down to best buy and the grocery store earlier, it helped kill an hour. Well maybe there's something on tv now...

Pain...why...

Last night Uncle Tom, Canowine, and myself went to a show in DC, it wasn't as great as the other shows we've been to but it was nice for all of us to hang out again. Maybe I'll post about the concert laster, I don't feel like it right now. I just need to do something so I figured why not type. I am just too depressed, I am fucking lonely, even when they were here it was a nice distraction and I enjoyed the time but my mind is still always elsewhere. This is too hard. Tomorrow HB is taking her kid back to Texas, so I will never see him again. I know that my relationship with him was pretty bad and the main reason that HB and I aren't together but I still love him. I have watched him grow, seen him learn, and I'm really gonna miss him as much as HB. I guess I just can't appreciate things until they are gone. Not only am I losing a woman that I love, and my best friend, but I am losing a child that I have grown attached to, which is something that HB feared would happen from the start. But here I sit and the urge to drink is definately there but I just keep drinking water instead and smoking a lot. I know smoking is probably just as bad but whatever, I may try to quit eventually, I have too many problems to tackle them all at once. I truely don't know what to do. And for some reason I torture myself thinking about how HB will have no problem distracting herself from the thought of me when she leaves. Guys stare and hit on her where ever she goes. She will be able to find a guy in a day to go out with or just hook up with to help forget about me. And I can't even approach anyone to ask for a phone number or whatever, not that I am really too interested in trying to find a relationship again but I need something to distract me, something to not feel this lonely. Maybe thats why I kept asking her to consider this a break instead of a break up because I know she will move on and I will be stuck only thinking of her. I try so hard not to, I really do but my mind goes back to her and I try to think of something else and it always goes back. Especially when I try to fall asleep. It kinda makes me think of Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless mind, is it really better to have loved and lost. Right now I really can't decide, I loved the time we spent together and the great memories but this pain is almost unbearable. If only there was a magic button or something to stop it. Numbness or pain, why can't I just feel content, why can't I just live in the right now. Why why why why, so many why questions that no one can answer.