Christmas card...kinda

Recently a friend said that I should use a pic of my son adn I on our christmas cards, but I don't send any, but then I started thinking about the little letters that sometimes go with them. There are many people who I haven't really talked to since I have been back in Ohio, so I thought I'd write one up and probably send it to them on myspace since that is the only place that I really keep in touch. SO here is my year in review christmas card...

My life this year has been prett boring, like usual. I still work taking care of mentally handicap people. I'm still working with the older gentleman that I have since I started. He has a roomamate now, a 24 year old guy who gets pretty cranky at times. I also take out a 23 year old autistic guy once a week. He is non-verbal, so I get to spill my guts to him and not worry about him telling anyone. Its hard at times but very rewarding, knowing how much I am helping even just being there with them. I am still in school, I spent a year to become a state certified EMT, but no one is hiring, one was except my DUI was within the last 5 years and that company couldn't hire me. So now I am going for LPN. Got to keep going to school, because my GI Bill is paying the bills, my job doesn't pay too well.

Highlights of the year.. Just spending time with my son, we are really close again. FOr Spring break I drove down to Georgia and slept in my car on the beach for a couple days, just me and my guitar, it was a nice getaway. Spent the whole summer with my son and my cousin, trying to keep him out of trouble. I've got a couple more tats, should be working on another in the next couple weeks! Didn't get to as many concerts as I would hope due to finances, scedule, and location but I did get to see Cruefest(Motley crue, buckcherry, Sixx:AM), AC/DC, Sick Puppies, Saving Abel, The Bravery, Saliva, Sevendust, The Kills, The Black Keys, Mr.Gnome and some smaller bands. But thats about it.

my scedule, an excuse for not blogging

So yeah, I know I always say I am gonna blog more, but apparently I never do. Seriously I don't understand how I can be so bored almost all the time, when in actuality I am almost always on the go. I guess its cuz my days. Monday is school from 7am-230, then work from 3-11, so I am not home. Tuesday is school from 7-11, then I get to come home and work on homework, til I work from 4-8. Then come and watch some TV. Wednesday is the same as Monday, I am not home, then Thursday is my day to do nothing, which means I usually have to do homework, clean up the house, and try to catch up on my DVR shows. Then every other weekend I get my son, so if I have him I get him Friday and spend the weekend with him. If I don't have him I work, usually I don't have to work until 4pm-10pm on Saturday which means I have Friday to do something but most my friends work 2nd shift, so I have no one to hang with until 11 when they get off and then they are usually tired. Saturday I usually can't do anything since I have to get up and work from 10am-10pm on Sunday, then do it all over!!! And between all this I am trying to get out enough in hopes of meeting someone that can deal with this shitty schedule I have and be able to talk to and get to know. Which if you have read or know anything about me is difficult because I hardly approach anyone. And in rare occasions(like once every 3 years) like 4 or 5 posts below, I get swamped with chicks for a week and I of course choose the wrong one, though in that case I think I chose the best one to have fun with while I could. The others were too far away and still would have went to shit. But anyways...

So things have been the same lately, busy but boring. Trying to get shit for christmas, been planning on my next tattoo that I need money for. But yeah thats about the just of my life lately...sucks... Trying to keep positive which is very very hard... But thats about all for now, I am tired and going to bed early... Sweet Dreams!

man-period over...and AC/DC

So thankfully I got over mytle man-period thing pretty quickly. Shit just kinda esculated and I of course had to make a bit of an ass of myself. But thats what I do. But I am all better now, its not like smilie was a great or really even a good person, she was just cool. Keep on looking. NEXT! lol. Yeah if only it wsa that easy, I Need to set up interviews. So school is still going, last week was just kind of a pain in the ass, I felt overwhelmed with everything even though I missed 2 days to go see ACD/DC in concert, I don't think I even mentioned it cuz all the other shit.. They kicked ass of course! We had decent seats on the lower level, though we were kinda straight back, at least we weren't up in the nose bleeds! It was a good time, and I got to do it with my parents, so that was fun. Last time I saw a concert with them was Lynyrd Skynyrd and ZZ top. But now I'm back to normal, no more day dreaming about stupid shit and texting a million times a day. I am pretty sure she found someone to treat her more like shit, so thats good for her. I just don't understand why women do it, but hey its their perogative. Just keep hopin someday someone will actually appreciate that I am not a dick. But time is going fast and I need to get back to class.... Have fun!

Drama...

SO Smilie and me of course didn't last long. and unfortuantely we didn't even get to hold our conversation in person. She was being wuite hostile to me the last couple nights over IM and I had been drinking tonight because as I have said I have been upset and that is how I deal with it even if it is the wrong way. SO I sent her a message explaining certain things and she said maybe we should just be friends and ok, I am pretty cool with that. I really like her as a person, I thought that maybe because we are kinda similar that we could work dating, I know she is on the rebound or whatever. But she tried to insinuate that she has hooking for money and tried to judge me for drinking while me son was here even though he is asleep. I think bad enough of myself for it, but I have been stressed and I spend all day sober with him and have fun and don't leave to go party like I have tried and done in the past. It is not like I make him go fetch mu drinks like I used to do for my dad. I don't put him through shit like that, even though I didn't know it at that time, now that I do. I shouldnt have been doing that shit! Anyways so that just feuls the fire in me.... I should have know that shit can never go good for me, even for a little while, things alwasy for to shit! Its funny recently I got Slipknots self titled album and been thinking about the past... let me leave you with a quote from surfacing.... "Fuck it all, fuck this world, fuck everything that you stand for, Don't belong, don't exist, don't give a shit, don't ever judge me"

It always comes back around

When I start to see a glimpse of light somewhere up ahead it seems that a dark cloud comes in quickly. SO where to begin... Things with Smilie were going really good, we were having fun and enjoying each others company, but something happened and we haven't been able to get together and talk about it yet. She just said that we needed to slow down, a little more, last weekend she stayed at my place, like wed, thurs, and friday. Things were really good, not sure which way that scared her. But thats one thing. Then school has been getting to me. I am just tired of it! It keeps creeping in my mind that all this work is for nothing, last year I worked hard to become an EMT and look where that got me, jack fucking shit! Then I am in comp 2 because I took comp one online in like 2004, I sent for my transcripts and they said I owe them 450, that my credit card was declined, way back then and for some reason they just never told me. So what now is my work for comp 2 gonna count, am I gonna have to take comp 1 again? The familiar feelings of failure and desire to drink into oblivion are closing in on me. I have been doing so well on just letting things go and just being somewhat happy. Things with SMilie was open, I didn't really care or think about if she was hanging out with other guys or whatever, but with the darkness comes all of this insecurity. We're not even together officially but thoughts still flood my head when they shouldn't, just to add to the turmoil. I don't fucking know. I have my son and will be watchin my 14 yr old cousin this weekend, so hopefully they will distract me.

Girls Girls Girls...

Ok time to update... lots have kinda happened. So since last time I posted, I have been talking to a couple girls, I went and met one in a town not to far away and was kinda awkward because while I was on my way there her mom and sister showed up there. So we just kinda sat and watched tv and had small talk. Then theres a chick in my nutrition class that keeps flirting with me, she is a pretty big girl but cool. She kept asking about what kinda girl I liked and what size and if she was too big and stuff and I told her yeah since I am really skinny and stuff. She said no prob that she would find someone for me cuz she thinks I am nice and cool and stuff. Then there is girl number 3, who I am probably gonna have to think up a name for because I kinda hope she's around for a while. Shes younger, shes 20. I just kinda found her on myspace and I got a message from a band Mr.Gnome that canowine told me about, that they were playing in Toledo last Friday. I didn't have anyone to go with so I sent her a message thinking the worst she could say was no, but she said yes. We went, we talked, we enjoyed some awesome music. So all was good, we chatted a couple more times, we ended up hanging out for a lil while on friday we just kinda went to the mall and walked and talked. She was supposed to hang out with this other guy on saturday but hadn't talked to him in a week or something so didn't know if it was still on. I told her if he didn't come I was going to take her to my friends halloween party. He didn't show up, she came with. We partied, had a good time. She came back to my place and we hung out and talked almost all night, til like 5am, I had to get my son from my moms at 9, so I let her keep sleeping and got him. But after his mom picked him up we just kinda laid in my chair all day and watched football and cuddled and took a nap. It was really great. Suprisingly we haven't gotten tired of talking to each other yet. She loves tattoos, she hangs from hooks on occassion for a body mod show thing. Shes in college for criminal justice, she likes football and UFC, I mean shes pretty great. We kinda talked yesterday about trying to slow down because she just got over her ex and wasn't planning on getting into another relationship for quite a while. I told her thats cool, I don't wanna fall so quickly either, the last time that happened hurt too damn bad. So with school and work, that only leaves certain days we can hang out and stuff, so hopefully it will work out good. I think I'll call her Smilie, cuz shes always got a smile...lol. Oh yeah and she gets my cheesiness and sense of humor! Thats a hard one to find...lol alright need to get back to class soon...later!

Wierded out weekend

So here it si again, been a while since I posted. Cuz again my life isn't really going anywhere. School and work, thats it! Had my son this weekend, well was supposed to he talked to his mom on the phone and she told him his step-brother(if you wanna call hime that, or his cousin) was spending the night and he hardly stayed the night there, so that made him wanna go home to see him. He asked and I said no because I don't get to see him or talk to him a whole lot. Well he did his sad pouty face and my dumbass made a stupid comment, I am not too sure what it was exactly but something along the lines of him loving them more than me. And I felt bad for trying to make him feel bad, its not his fault he would rather play with a kid closer to his age than me. So I let him go and asked his mom not to call and tell him things like that when it is my chance to spend time with him, that could wait til sunday when he came home. SO since I turned down a couple invitations to hang out thinking I was gonna be spending time with him, I went out and watched a friend of a friends band. It was a good time, they mostly did covers, but their original stuff was good too. There was some crazy guy that was messed up on some shit that kept dancing around all wierd, he was pretty old. He came up and shook our hands when we came in. It was me and my friend and his brother, they look really alike. So this guy kept staring at my friend and made him uncomfy so we went and sat closer to the stage. Well crazy came up and was dancing and kept doing this hand wave to everyone and then he looked at me and flipped me off. I was like OK. Well this goes on for a while, then he walked over to my friend and stroked his beard on his chin. He kinda flinched and the guy walked away. So we bust his balls about it. Well crazy starts dancing again and then flips me off some more and then walks over across the table from me and picks up a chair and acts like hes gonna hit me with it. I just sit and stare him down and wait. He puts the chair down and then tries to shake my hand I told him to fuck off, he grabs my wrists and says he was just playin, then turns to my friends brother and starts punching his shoulder and then went to either give him a hug or a choke hold and as his bro grabbed his arm, crazy grabbed his man-boobs. We told him to go home, he was fucked up. He went to the back and sat down. SO I eventually came to the conclusion that he wanted them and since I came in with them, he was jealous of me! It was hilarious though, stupid fucks. But then Sunday we went and played some football. Lots of people ended up getting hurt. I felt of, I just had blisters on the bottom of my feet from wearing kleats that I hadn't worn in forever. But yesterday I was sore, my joints all ached, my arms fell like I was lifting a car! I only got 2 catches cuz we had so many people, but I did well on defense and had some good tackles suprisingly. But that ended up being my wierded out weekend.

CD collage

SO I made this CD collage thing but its coming up as a slidshow thing, I wanted it as a pic so I could set as my background. I am still messing with it...

Happy Bday, recap

So yesterday was my birthday, I am now an old ag of 26, I have one more year. All the greats have died at 27, and I am pretty fucking great! SO yesterday was the worst bday I have had in like 5 years. Lets recap shall we, since I just finished a test and have some time to kill.
18- I got wasted on scotch an English bloke brought from scotland and my son was conceived... Both good and bad, I love my son to death but it also caused me to marry and bitch and have her later take him and all my stuff!
19, 20- I don't remember I am pretty sure nothing extravagant happened since I was married 19 was right after September 11 and then I signed up for the Navy.
21- Sucked ass! Was still married. I remember getting a bottle of Jim Beam at like 7am, and going to that big ass mall in VA with the mideval times. Its like a couple miles long and walking around to buy stuff for my wife and kid, I think I got a DVD for myself and I kept going out to the van to take swigs of my bottle.
22- In San Antonio, last day, free day after our excericse, which meant party time! At the Wild Zebra strip club! Got a bunch of free drinks and got pulled on stage and a lap dance from 3 girls. Bad part was they stripped me down to my boxers in front of a bunch of people I worked with who didn't need to witness it. And then they spanked me with my belt which I kinda liked until she caught my balls!
23- I don't know if you call it fun exactly but it was interesting. Got off work, went home and pounded some Jim Beam(starting to see a pattern here) and Chris and Mike came with their women to take me out to eat at TGI Fridays. One the way there I was screaming some Silverstein and waving my middle finger out the window when some douchebags thought I was doing it to them, they started talking shit and threw pennies at me. So my dumbass pulled my knife out and made the motion of slicing my throat to them, they chased us and we had to go on base to lose them.
24- With HB a relaxing getaway to a bed and breakfast equipped with a massage and a hot tub in the room! It was pretty cold since it was in the mountains but still a great trip. We went and saw Jackass 2, I almost pissed my pants.
25- The kegger where I almost got my ass beat and was wasted! I ended up slicing the shit out of my thumb and never quite solving the mysetery of how it happened.
26- This year I was stuck at school from 8-230, I did work out a bit at lunch time instead of eating. Then go to work from 3-10. A couple of my friends were going to hang out at the Bowling Alley so I did go out and get a couple Beam and cokes and played some pool. It wasn't a bad time it just sucked about school and work. And I had to be here at school by 8am for class and a test!
So thats my past bdays, I am pretty sure the last 3 maybe 4 years are on here if you check the archives.... But that is all for now. Still waiting on my money and pissed about that but don't have time to get into it, Have to get back to class...Peace!

TIME TO FUCKIN EXPLODE!

OK I am having a terrible fucking day!! Before I start I was happy to see Uncle Tom Thusday!! Now as I spoke before I bought a scooter, well it died on me today, apparently I blew the engine because I was 150 miles past the oil change, which makes it my fault and voids the warrenty!!! The guy was cool enough to hook me up with the company and got it so I only have to pay shipping cost and part of Labor so instead of paying 600, I have to pay 240. That was nice of him except I have no fucking money!! I have been living off my fucking credit cards because my GI bill isn't going fucking through!! WHy you may ask, its been over a month! Well 2 firdays ago I recieved a letter in the mail from the school saying that I missed a form in my filling of 5 forms saying that I changed majors from EMT to LPN! SO I took that up last monday, over a week ago. Wel I check the website everyday because I NEED that money. SO I just called the school after I found out I had to pay so much for my bike and the lady said that she hadn't recieved the letter. She looks around and found it in the wrong spot, apparently the lady I handed it to is a fucking moron, or she is for not seeing it where ever the hell it was put. Next time I will ask that I physically shove it up her ass instead of handing it to a fucking retarded secretary!! I am so pissed and upset that I don't know what to do!! I wanna cry, I wanna hit my bag(which fucked my knuckles up bad last time I was pissed) Ok lets rewind a couple days! So a new person moved into the house I work at. Anther mentally retarded dude. No prob, seems ok, just testing his boundries trying to get away with stuff. Well apparently he shit himself and on a rug and hid it. The chick from the next shift came in and asked who shit. I told her I thought he did but didn't think of it. Well she found the shit and wrote a letter to the house manager about me not cleaning up. She didn't say one fucking word to me, but I found the letter when I was putting one of my own into his box. Well it turns out that he is writing me up for it, saying I didn't perform the chores on the list. Now let me tell you all about this chore list. It is a list of chores for the people who live there to perform, NOT ME!!! I am not a fucking maid! I am there to help them live on their own, I only cook because it is dangerous for him, it is not dangerous for them to sweep, mop, dust and clean up their shit! They are capable of it. So today I went and filled out an application for Walmart and a videostore. Fuck I'll probably get paid the same, have more fun, less responsiblity and deal with less shit, why the fuck not! Fuck them all! Fuck all the bastards in corprate america charging my ass to death, fuck Time Warner charging me a fucking shitload for my inter net and Cable which isn't gonna carry fox anymore so I wouldn't be abloe to watch the Simnpsons or House. So Now I have to switch to Direct TV, fuck the absence of internet providers in this area that leaves me having to stay with them for Internet unless I want to go to dial up!!! Fuck my bank account that was full of money just 3 months ago! Fuck the last year of my fucking life spending my time and money to become an EMT to only have it shoved up my ass and wasted! Fuck this year of my life that will probably be the same on this LPN shit since there is a fucking waiting list that I will probably never reach. Fuck my whole fucking life and the waste of breath that it has become! What happened to the fun, what happened to me, what happened to the world. WHere is the fucking Karma that is supposed to help someone like me who is truely a good person but has been shit on his whole fucking life. I keep fucking trotting along, somewhat cynical, but still a softy under it all, still willing to help almost anyone. Fuck why the hell do you think I am in medical, just to play with sick people, why do you think I have stayed helping MR/DD people, just to see what the hell they look like up close! Yeah I may talk alot of shit, but the universe should know that I actually fucking care, but I don't know why anymore, it seems it doesn't care about me! Yeah I have a few friends, and alot of family that try their best to help, but I am not a fucking charity case. I am a grown ass man, that will be turning 26 on Monday and will not be celebrating in any shape or form because I am too fucking busy with school, work, and spending time with my son since I haven't gotten to much since school started and I fucking miss him!!!! I may need to explain to him that daddy is getting tired of fighting, Daddy is gonna get a bottle and drown myself, but not to worry I got life insurance, so he won't have to go through the same shit daddy is. (I am not gonna kill myself just so you know)but I may drown myself in a bottle even though I don't want to because I don't have money and it will only make things worse.... FUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little 9/11 and breaking shit!

So I was gonna bitch about stuff but I haven't really came across anything lately! Yesterday was the 7th year anniversary of 9/11 obviously. I toasted those who couldn't be here today. I hate that they show it over and over on TV, I woke up around 9 and MSNBC was playing it, like it wass real time, in time with when it happened. That kinda irritated me. It was tragic enough to witness it the first time. We aren't going to forget. I remember all kinds of things about that day. And then a month later I was signing up for the Navy, then January I was in bootcamp. But I guess if it helps people remember. Though I think its a little excessive to be showing it hit and people jumping out of the windows, it brought a tear to my eye yesterday and I had to turn it. I remember it enough without the constant image of those falling bodies.

But today has been a pretty good day, a friend of my friends bought a house and was remodeling it. I got to help smash shit!! My friend and I had the task of a bathroom. We got to knock out a wall, rip a shower and sink out, and throw it out of a second story window!! How great is that!! We were just kicking shit and hitting it with hammers, ah good times! We didn't want to stop, we wanted to keep going through all the walls. The other day I found a phone in my attic, still in its box, it cost $800 in 2004, its a sony ericcson P900, its pretty cool, I can't get it activated though my current Sprint carrier though but its got chess and some games and a video thing, its my new toy. I was going to sell it but I found the same thing on ebay or egay as my cousin got me saying for like $20, hell I might as well just keep it as a toy if thats all I'd get for it!

My cousin and I have decided to go with my idea of buying an old church and turning it into a bar, but we decided to make it a concert venue too for local bands and stuff. He also has equipment for recording and stuff to be a producer so he can do all that shit too! We are going to do some fund raisers and try to get some cash we just need to find someone to sell us a church! We have just been brainstorming. But we've thought about carwashes with my cousins whore friends and bake sales, we made a cake last week and oh my fucking god it was delicious! We are badass bakers! But thats about all for now, I need to get ready to go pick up my son but if you have any ideas for raising money feel free to suggest. I am also thinking about playing some music on corners, hes a better guitar player than me, so maybe we can work something out.

ANd Uncle Tom I saw your comment! Call ME! If you can get up here I got a couch or bed for ya and They have Chilli Cheese BURRITOS at our Taco Bell!!!! If nothing else I can drive my scooter down to meet you somewhere!!

Ad Sense and Randomness

So I added that Ad sense thing to the side bar again. I tried it before and it wasn't really working out because people weren't visiting me enough. But since I don't have anything really to say I figured I could talk about things that may get me more visitors. Like Sarah Palin being McCains running mate and having a pregnant daughter I think her name is Bristol Palin. Or Hayden Panettiere or Leightin Meester or Hi-5 which I am also a member of. Hurricane center or Hanna, The NFL and the GU 63 patch for Gene Upshaw that I saw last night. Kellie Pickler or how the US open is going. Barack Obama and how he does accuses McCain of smear tactics but does the exact same thing. I think I heard something about a new 90210 or something. I know I got lots of hits about Tila Tequila but now there are naked pictures of her all over the place. Then there is Vitas Gerulatis, Roberta McCain, Pork Barrel spending, Michael Fuccile, Rudy Giuliani and so many other things and stuff that I can talk about so This is where I am gonna go off on whatever I find to talk about. I now have a recorder on my phone so whenever I find something I can record so I know what to talk about whereas before I would think of something but by time I got to a computer I would forget. So hopefully I will have entertaining thoughts soon.

Hello world... SO again still nothing really new. School has been going ok, we are supposed to have a new chem teacher so I wouldn't have to deal with the shitty one, but today they cancelled class but didn't tell us, there was a note on the door after everyone got up early and crap. I was a little pissed but then I found a couch and took a nap for about an hour and a half, but I still have an hour before my next class so here I sit. So now that I have been getting up early for class, my irritable bowel syndrome is back, verifying my original suspicion that it has to do with getting up early. I need to do some research or something. If I didn't have to get up early I wouldn't but sometimes we all have to... right. Work is still the same, not too hard, not many hours. I need to find a new one! I was thinking about just calling nursing homes and telling them that I am a certified EMT and that I am going to school to be an LPN and I have worked with mentally handicap for a year and I know alot of them have been hiring, maybe I can get in. Its not a hospital but it should be pretty easy and pay decent and decent hours. We'll have to see about that. Uhh personal life, thats pretty non-existent. I don't have time for one of those. My birthday is coming up on the 29th, I'm gonna be 26, I feel old as shit. Its gonna suck! I have school from 8-215, then work from 3-1115. So I will officially not really be able to do shit. I was thinking about doing something the Saturday before, but I am not sure. I am flat fucking broke! I cashed in my change, I have $30 in the bank. I am waiting for the damn GI bill shit to go through. I am gonna call when I get out of school today!!! I need it bad! SO I may not have money to do anything. Maybe it'll just end up me drinking a bottle of Jim Beam, haven't done that in a while! Who knows?

Catching up...

SO I know I haven't posted much, thats because (big suprise) nothing has really been up til this week at least. SO I've just been up to the usual, go to work, spend time with my son and thats about it. My savings has dwindled down to nothing trying to survive without my GI Bill and my paycheck doesn't pay for shit! Well I don't think I mentioned a new guy that I work with at work, to be honest I don't really remember if I have ever really mentioned work on here other than people pissing me off. I guess I should read my own blog sometimes since I am forgetful as hell and when I data dump on here I forget what all spewed from my brain. So in case, I work with MR/DD people, mentally retarded/developmentally disabled. The one guy I've worked with the year I been working there is pretty cool, sometimes annoying but all in all a good person and pretty easy to work with. Well I got a new guy to work with once a week for 4 hours I have to pretty much take him out and entertain him. Sounds pretty good. Well he's autistic and doesn't talk and doesn't really communicate, which makes it kinda difficult. He's had problems with staff before but he seems to like me. He's only a couple years younger than me so I think he likes to just hang out with me cuz of that. SO I have to take him around and try to keep him busy, it seems so far he screams when he pays for meals after eating them like at restraunts but he is fine paying before like fast food places... I am still trying to figure him out. I've tryed writing yes and no on a paper because they said he could read but he will always just point to yes, no matter what you ask. This is the first autistic person I've ever actually met. I was starting to think they were myths on TV like bigfoot or something(just kidding)
SO School started on Wednesday, I am back to school for my LPN hopefully, I got classes Mon-Wed. I got my old Psych teacher for one class and my Biology teacher is teaching my CHemistry labs apparently so that will probably suck ass! And my Comp teacher is hot and single so lets try up on that and see where that goes. Yeah I'm sure I'm the only one thinking about that too. TOday I bought a scooter. SO I encured another loan but I figure it will pretty much pay for itself in gas within a year. I'll be saving like $5 a day riding it to school. I only rode it home from the dealership since I have a motorcycle permit and didn't have insurance yet but I got it today so I can ride it around tomorrow and start breaking it in. But thats pretty much what I've been up to. I'll try to keep better informed and perhaps shake things up a bit so I have something to actually blog about!!

The fall...

It started last week. On tuesday I was suppsed to be starting with a new person for once a week at my job. He is a guy close to my age with autism. I work up to my computer crashed. I was downloading new music. I was pissed and tried fixing it in an hour before heading to my cousins for my weekly hanging out and trying to help be a good role model to him and helping him pratice his guitar between his lessons as well as for myself to learn what he has learned. I went and hung out and then went to meet my new guy who ended up having a fit after we picked him up and ate dinner, he threw the lady who was training mes glasses across the room. SO he was picked up by his parents. I took my computer to my friends dads who is a computer guy. He figured out my hard drive was fried and had an extra one. He stayed up late fixing it and putting all the crap back on it. The next day I brought it home and started to put all my stuff back on it. I tried to download anti-virus software and ended up getting viruses! An hour after I brought it home. I was moments away from smashing it. But he spent so much time to help me, he had recently went surgery for brain cancer. I felt like a dick for letting this happen. SO instead I put on my gloves and hit my puching bag for almost an hour, straight hard asss punches. When I took off my gloves, my knuckles were skinned alive! It was bad, they have been bleeding and oozing since, everytime I bend them they crack open. It sucks. Well, I was due to go to Rhode Island, right about now actually, to visit my friend who is on mid break from Iraq, I haven't seen in a lonjg time, if you are an old reader it is CG that I used to hang out with. Well she was talkin mad stuff about me visiting then she wouldn't give me her addy, a number or call me since she's been back. I'm hoping its just her being busy and shit even tho, she read my message and left me a comment about being home and shit on myspace. But who knows, I am just upset about it all!Then shit with school starting soon, lack of money, bills, and the lack of confidence about going to England to visit Ech her this fall. I have just been pissy and on the rocks. That and the fact that I haven't been laid in shit very close to a year!!! That is crazy! I need to get some ass!! But I don't wanna get another skank and all that horeshit. Oh yeah I did cave in last week and smoked some weed, finally, only once but damn it fucked me up and made me paranoid as shit!! It'd been like 6 years or so! I have been just craving an escape from it all, it was nice for a night I have been cravin trip too!! I miss that shit! Who knows if I'll find any or do any, and to be honest who cares? Well fuck it, just trying to survive the best way I know how, and I have stress to relieve that I can't seem to do in other ways!

The Kills and The Black Keys

So I bought these tickets way back when they were first announced, during pre-sale actually. I love the Kills and It made me listen to the Black Keys and they are badass as well. So They were supposed to play Headliners in Toledo, which was now my concert spot. It wasn't as cool as The Black Cat in DC but it was the best for this area. Well a couple weeks ago I saw it was moved to a new venue, the Toledo Civic Theater. SO I kept my hopes up, this was to be the first concert at this place. Well come to find out the fuckin local government had spent a shitload of money repairing this building and somehow shut down Headliners and all the acts that were due to go there are now going to the Civic. Well the Civic is a hanger for a small plane. Picture that, it has food and shit on the sides and beer. I didn't try the food because I am poor, but looked pretty good. In the back were food court tables. Apparently the govenor was there and stuff but whatever. And up front, the stage is up about 3 or 4 feet, with steps the whole length of the stage in front, and then a baracade in front of that, so if your against the rail, you are still like 4 ft from the stage, it isn't close and personal like headliners. Headliners had enough space for security to catch surfers and that was it.

There were no opening bands, frist up was the Kills, VV was looking as hot as ever!! They kicked ass as always! The played a good mix of songs off their new and old albums. I was getting pissed cuz people in the crowd were talking shit and asking if they were done yet, if my knuckles weren't already fucked up I was about to punch one guy. I'll explain the knuckles later. I was pissed they had no merch and didn't come out and mingle..at least that I saw. And because of the crappy shit I explained at the begining, I didn't get any good pics.

Black Keys Had a great light show, definately played for the hippies. But they did rock. I've been listening to 2 of their albums and they played a lot of songs I didn't know so I don't know if they were from earlier one, I think I had their latest. But it was hot as hell so I grabbed a beer and headed back a ways and instead of a mosh pit, there was a hippie dance pit... Uncle Tom would have felt right at home! But the music all night was pretty good, I was just disappointed in the venue and really don't wanna go back, I know there are a couple other smaller venues around, hope that the bands will go there so I can check them out. But thats all for now, hope to update on life soon....

Cruefest!!

Cruefest kicked ass, just as expected! It started out rough, I was drinking the night before with my friends and I was doing good, I only drank 2 beers but then they started getting shots and I had to do them. I didn't do as many as them only when someone bought round of them. Then I had to help my buddy take 2 of them to his place cuz they were wasted and help carry them in the house and all that fun stuff. I didn't get home til about 4 in the morning and we were supposed to leave around 9. Then my cousin and her boyfriend were running late so we ended up not leavin til after 10. I was a little dehydrated and tired as hell but I knew I'd be alright when the music started. So we drove the 3 hours over to Indianapolis. All good, we get there just as they open the parking lot, but the gates weren't open so we had to sit in the hot as sun for about an hour and thats when I started to feel like shit... Still not that bad but bad enough that I was uncomfortable. This was my first stadium show since well I don't know if you count warped tour or HFStival, if not then Lynyrd Skynyrd when I was about 16 or so. But we get in and we had seats that were almost to the lawn. Trapt was pretty good they played some old and new stuff. Sixx:AM was fucking amazing! James Michael is a magnificent singer! And DJ Ashba was blazing on the guitar. We ended up getting a pic with James and my cousins Boyfriend found DJ Ashba and got a pic with him while I was getting something to drink...fucker. Then Papa Roach was pretty good. Buckcherry was too, but my cuz kept saying he thought he was lip singing every other song cuz he'd pull the mic away and the voice was still going for a second. Throughout the whole concert my cuz was texting with a chick we met on myspace and he's been chatting with, she was down in the pit. The plan was to get her and her moms tickets to get me and him down there for Motley Crue. Well she met a guy who printed off extras, since you have to show them and they punch a whole in them and give you a wristband. So we get them and we get in, then fucking security came over and said they seen us earlier in the seats and said she knew we weren't supposed to be down there, she asked to see out tix, we showed her and she said she knew but couldn't do anything. So we were happy as fuck. We were up close and personal with Motley fuckin Crue! The smoke, lights, and flames messed with some of my pics, some were crystal clear while others looked pixilated when I was the same distance and all that jazz, but whatever. It was great! Defianately recommend seeing this tour, they said they are planning on doing it every year!! Can't wait for the next one!


BadAss!!!


Rock Gods!!


Tommy Lee!


My cousin's boyfriend and I with James Michael of Sixx:AM

A quick ass update

I know I haven't typed on here in a while but not a whole lots been up. Only the usual, WOrk, spend time with my son, and chill and do absolutely nothing. Though tonight I have been tearing up a bar I worked at for a while with my cousin just having fun, haven't drank much, and bout to go back with some of my friends when the get off work in about 20 minutes. Tomorrow is Cruefest in Indy!!! So I can't stay up too late or drink too much cuz I have to drive 2 1/2 hour around 9 or 10 to Indianapolis to see some badass bands. Hopeully I will get a report and some pics up within the next couple of days.

And special note for Uncle Tom if/when you read. I need to Know if my trip out there in October is happening for sure or not! ASAP! I know u got TDYs and syuff but I need to try to plan accordingly.

Love All!

The weekend...

It was a little crazy, lots of fun. Friday was the 4th of July, I went to a party of a chick that was in my EMT class cuz I hadn't seen any of them in a long time and the one that was flirting with me alot has been flirting via texts again. She said she was gonna be there and proceeded to explain the things she was gonna do to me.... So I go out there and before she came she sent me a text explaining that her boyfriend had a change in plans and was coming with her. So things were a little awkward so I bounced and went to hang out with my cousins. We lit off some fireworks and had a good time, was playing my guitar next to the fire and talking. He kept talking about a foam party at a club but it was pretty far away. I was explaining how I needed to get laid... I have became a born again virgin... I haven't gone this long without sex since I started having sex! its been 10 months! I explained to him that I am trying to be good, no more hoggin, trying not to just pick chicks up and do it. I need to grow up a bit... I've had my time of doing all that crap. Well his brother was also having a party about an hour away so at like 1am he decides we should go. SO we did, they were wasted, we hung out for a while and then had to take one of his friends home on our way. We ended up in some wierd house with a guy cleaning blood off his arms cuz he just beat the shit out of some guy who he claimed punched him in the face first. They were all pretty drunk, we were sober so it was strange. We were walking with them to someone elses house through alleys and then there were headlights and everyone froze. I had flash backs of when I used to be a troublemaker, then I realized I hadn't done anything wrong, I wasn't drunk, I didn't witness the fight or even actually know anyones names other than my cuz's boyfriend. So we walked for a bot and then I finally got him to leave. We got back and I came home to go to bed, I got home around 530am. slept for a while then Saturday I went to my buds house, we walked uptown for a car show and just kinda hung out then went to the bar to watch the UFC fight, there were some douche bags there that pretty much took over our table. Some guy kept rubbing up on me til I told him to get away from me before I cracked his head open. He walked away. The chick from my class kept texting me telling me she was gonna come hang out but I knew she was full of shit, she's a fuckin drama queen. So I came home and crashed. Sunday was my buddies dads bday. He recently had surgery, he had a brain tumor that they removed. We had a cookout and swam and had a good time. It is also SM's dad for those of you who have read for a while. So she was there and her ex-husband/boyfriend or whatever the fuck he is was there, he has been allowed in the house since her dad got out of the hospital but no one likes him. This was like the 3rd time I have met him, he's a stupid douche but whatever. We hung out, had a good time then I cam home and watch Hancock illegally on the internet. That movie was awesome!!!! Go see it, or download it or whatever, it was great!

All in all, it was a good weekend, good times, crazy times, sober times, and the only thing that would have made it better was some ass. But can't complain. Hope everyone else had a good 4th of July weekend and enjoyed the freedoms that people have fought to protect!

Crazy dream!

So I usually don't remember my dreams in the morning, but those I do are wierd enough that I write them down on a book I keep by my bed to look up thier meanings when I get a chance. I've kept this for pretty much the entire year I've been back in Ohio, its got some crazy shit on it, but it isn't quite a full page long yet. Well the night before last I had one of those falling dreams that usually wakes you up, you know the ones I am talking about, but somehow I managed to keep myself in it. So I was at some college or something, it was dorms. I get on the elevator and there was another person on it. I didn't know what floor I was going to but I pushed 4. It started going up and then dropped down to the bottom, it did this several times, before going up and when the doors were about to open, it dropped and somehow slid out into the parking lot. The other person and I were ok and we hopped out and said well I guess this ones broken. There were a bunch of chicks on a balcony asking if I was ok. I said yeah, they invited me up. I took the stairs this time. I knocked and some random chick answered, I told her that people on the balcony invited me up. She walks away and I walk in, she pointed to the hallway, I walk down it and into a bedroom, where several girls are lying on a bed lifting small weights and the girls on the balcony say hi and then I woke up. HEres what the dram dictionary says about elevators.

Elevator

To dream that you are ascending in an elevator, signifies that you will quickly rise to status and wealth. You may have risen to a higher level of consciousness and are looking at the world from an elevated viewpoint. Descending in an elevator, denotes that misfortunes will crush and discourage you. The up and down action of the elevator may represent the ups and downs of your life go emerging out of and submerging into your subconscious.

To dream that the elevator is out of order or that it is not letting you off, symbolizes that your emotions have gotten out of control.

Like I said I usually don't remember any of my dreams and I still remember this one vividly is crazy. I guess I am unbalanced and gain stuff and lose them quickly. This seems about right, I am happy for a while then things go to shit. But my emotions out of control? I don't really think so. I don't have many emotions lately. I don't really think about it or them. I just try to appreciate every moment for what it is, just a moment. But thought I'd share. Let me know if anyone has their own interpretation. As for the chicks, no idea and the dictionary didn't really help there.

Calmed down...

So yeah I was pretty upset yesterday, but I was able to keep myself under control. Its been storming off and on and it stopped so I went for a walk. I ended up on the train bridge over the river. I took some cool pictures and stuff (if your my friend on myspace you can see them) and contemplated jumping, not to die of course but its hot and sweaty and sticky muggy, I thought it might be fun and refreshing. But I thought I heard that recently someone jumped off one and didn't come back up and ended up missing so I figured maybe I'll wait til I have a life jacket or something. Then I walked to the library which used to be a fort back in Indian days, it has 2 old cannons, one of them points at the baseball field across the river. I find it amuzing. But I just walked around town listening to my music and chilling out. I did end up meeting some buds for a couple drinks but only had 2 and didn't stay too late since I had a meeting this morning for work. Today I went for a walk again, I found that there is nothing on TV at 6pm, and that its been done raining around 5-530, so it makes for a good time killer until Jeopardy at 730, sure I miss the Simpsons at 7 but I've seen them all. I know I shouldn't plan my life around the TV scedule but it works well. Today I went to the cemetary, I went to visit my uncle that dies last year and started all the bad things that happened the following 2 months. I took my camera and took pics of the woods and river that ran behind the cemetary and the flags on the military section of graves. I wish I had a good camera! But I make due with what I've got, I've been taking mostly black and white pics, I enjoy them alot. It reminds me of when I was big into photography, I still have my enlarger(to make prints from film) in my old room downstairs at my parents. There is nothing on tv, so I figured I'd blog then maybe read some more Poe and then play my guitar. I know me and my wild Friday nights!! Maybe I'll go rollerblade if it cools down... who knows...

Fuckin DUI

So saturday I got a call from an EMT place here in town, they asked me to come in for an interview. I did, everything went great. You get paid to sit on your ass most the time, and the runs they make are usually not to big of emergencies and it just sounded like a great job. They took all my information and said they had to run it, I told them about my DUI about 3 years ago. They guy didn't know if it would be a problem or not. Well he called back today and said that the corporate said they couldn't hire me. Fucking bullshit!! It was 3 fucking years ago, I did my time, paid my ass of, went to classes and had my shit suspended and had my insurance go up as well as being the jackass of my duty station. And still after all the fucking changes in my life, they don't give a shit, its a fucking mark on my record! I don't know what to fucking do. I am pissed, I am upset! My son was going to go back to his moms tonight since I have a meeting in the morning. I want to go get a bottle, I wanna go fucking tear something up. This was my chance and what now? I have been pissed that I did this work to become an EMT and then couldn't find a job and now that they are hiring they can't hire me!! Fucking bullshit!! I am literally fucking pulling my hair out right now! This was my break to get a good job with steady hours, so I could get a fucking house and fucking start to settle into a real life. But no!! I know I can't drink today, obviously but that is the first thing I thought of. FUCK I need to find something to do...

Omne Ignotum Pro Magnifico

Iwanted to start with some old school lyrics. I popped in my old ICP Cd the other day and heard this song that is quite touching and signifigant from such a goofy band... And it starts out the way I feel alot of the time....

"Nothing's Left" By Insane Clown Posse

Man.... I love you guys
Man shut the fuck up man. Why you always gotta ruin the moment?
Man fuck you.
AINT NUTTIN HERE LEFT FOR ME SO I'M OUT THIS BITCH
FUCK STAYIN' HERE. I'M BUSTING THE FUCK OUT NOW
WE OUT THIS MUTHA FUCKA RIGHT NOW

There's no story that ain't been told
There's no gimmick that ain't been sold
There's no ocean that never been swam
There's no jobber that ain't been slammed
There's no road that ain't been traveled
There's no doctor that ain't been baffled
Ain't no thug that never cried
Ain't no preacher that never lied
There's no rumor that ain't been passed
Ain't no question that no one's asked
There's no tree that won't get chopped
There's no bomb that wont get dropped
Ain't no path that no one's laid
Ain't no beast that ain't been afraid
There's no feat that no one can
There's no saga that never began

Ain't no snow that didn't melt
There's no punch that ain't been felt
There's no skill that no one's learned
There's no planet that He ain't turned
There's no view that never dissolved
There's no problem that ain't been solved
There's no tale that no one's told
There's no beauty that won't get old
There's no garden the sun ain't beamed on
There's no shoulder that ain't been leaned on
There's no color that ain't been seen
Purple Red Yellow Blue Forest Green
There's no desert that ain't seen rain
Nobody here that ain't felt pain
There's no bigot that ain't been clowned
There's no treasure that I ain't found
Ain't no cave they never explored
Ain't no mother that ain't been ignored
There's no leader that ain't been lead
There's no blood that ain't been shed
There's no dish they never made
Ain't no brick they never laid
Everything left's been done before
Nothings new, nowhere to explore

On the day when the wagon's come I just pray that you let me on
Wont you let me on, Wont you let me on, Wont you let me on.....


SO I've been thinking a lot about the straight edge shit and I know I could never do it. But I am serious about stopping the excessivness of my life. When it comes to alcohol, why do I drink... I drink to excape, to get away, at times to relax, at times to have fun, and I can usually find any reason. Does drinking make me feel? No I can feel everything without it. I can remember everything without it. I can still act like an ass or myself without it. Then why is it that I drink and at times in excess. There is honestly no good reason that I can find. Does a beer taste good with a steak, yes... That is about the only times that one genuinely just feels good. After a hard day, yeah kinda but that goes back to the relaxing thing that could be accomplished by.... realxing. Plus when the people around me drunk and acting up, I can be the voice of reason instead of the dumbass causing the problems. Will it be easy, I doubt it. I've thought about drawing the Xs on my hands before I go out sometimes just to remind me. I may need some of my friends help, will they I'm sure... will they occasionally try to get me to drink... more than likely. But you know I am tired of being that guy. The guy that at times just goes a little overboard. Luckily I haven't really done anything too bad or gotten into trouble but it is just getting tiring. I can enjoy shit with a soda, I can have some juice or an energy drink. I don't need to be excessive in anything. Lets see how long this lasts... I am seriously and been thinking about it with a clear head. This is not for regret or to right a wrong. This is just me needing to better myself and fix one more of my many flaws. Theres no mountain that ain't been climbed.... In other news I don't remember if I mentioned readin the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe, but that is making me feel dumb. I have been having to read the paragraphs over and over again and its just crazy. I bought the book a while back and just read some of my favs out of it but now am reading the wqhole thing and its pretty hard, but I need to sharpen my mind anyway... My ex wants our son for the weekend and I am off so this weekend is gonna be the perfect time for me to test my will power, if I can find people to hang out and get out. Keep yall updated.... and the title is "Everything unknown is taken for magnificent." the unkown can be scary or crappy but it can also be magnificent...

Home...?

So lets start with Friday nights fuck ups. SO went and hung out with some friends ended up getting trashed in a different town. Don't remember all the details, my buddy almost got into a fight with someone, I ended up keeping him out of it. The apparently someone kept talking shit to me, but I just blew him off calling him a dumbass, then we ended up walking around town and deciding to go to church. We walked to the tall thing we saw in the sky and assumed was a church, it ended up being city hall, thankfully it was locked up tight... we tried every door, pounding on them... I passed out on a strangers couch, luckily friends were there too. I made myself puke a couple times to try to feel better but didn't work. I was supposed to go see SAliva agin but didn't happen. I took a nap and caffine pills, made me feel better in time for work.

I keep thinking about it and wondering why I end up doing stupid shit and drinking in excess. Obviously its plagued me on here plenty times before. I recently even thought about going straight edge since I have quit smoking but we all know that I will not give up alcohol completely, especially since I am planning on going to Oktoberfest. But I do need to learn self control. Most of the time the first step to recovery is hitting rock bottom, I never have. I have fucked up quite a bit but I have never really lost it all. This could be, plus the times since I have been back to Ohio are usually when I have nothing to do or anything to come home to. Like when I don't have my son. I have had my time to party and shit before I came back, I don't understand why its not out of my system.

While I was thinking about this on my way home from work tonight, I was listening to Foo Fighters newest album and the last song "Home" came on. It got me thinking that I don't remember the last time I felt home anywhere. Honestly I can't. Obviously I live somewhere, I haven't ever actually been homeless but while I was a teen, I couldn't wait to move out and be "free". The house I lived in was not my home even though I lived there for 17 years, it was more like a prison for me. Then I bounced places with my soon to be ex-wife, a couple apartments, living with her aunt a couple times. Then there were different places and obviously never making myself to much at home, always planning on moving.And even here now, I am hoping to someday get a better job and get a house. Could this have something to do with my excess.... probably not its probably a mix of many things, but it could be. Its probably just a scapegoat that I could use. But just thoughts... Its something I need to be more conscious about and not give in to the temptation, maybe only take a couple bucks with me or something. Friday started out ok but then there were shots and more drinks and then we somehow had a bottle and was drinking out of it, that Disarono... shit is good!! Anyway.... Lets see if I can actually change or what...

It all falls apart

Fuck I think of things I wanna blog about and then once I get to my computer I forget. I guess all the drugs I did in High school did do something to my memory. My life is really starting to get on my fucking nerves. During the days when I have my son it isn't too bad, we go to the park we play games and have fun and I forget my misery for most the day. But once he is in bed I sit in front of the TV and think about how lonely I am, how I only have 3 friends that I still don't confide in... how I miss my old friends! I just want to run away!! This fucking town sucks!!! There is nothing to do, the people are fucking stupid, and there are no jobs, no way to fucking move up! This is not a place to live, its a fucking death trap! I escaped once only to get drug back to it. The sacrifices we make for our children. I actually have no fucking idea how I am still managing to function. I have the emmence fucking desire to just go fucking get messed up on every drug I can find and wander the earth in a stupor. I guess its all for my son, our relationship is finally going good and he have been having fun and everything, now if only I could keep him doing good in school next year. What the fuck is with all these storms going across the country? We were at a cook out last weekend and just out of nowhere the winds picked up and dark clouds rolled in. We finished eating and put everything away and then it got calm as hell and then sirens started going off and by time we ran into the garage a wall of fucking rain and wind hit us...hard. It was crazy! I need to get away but don't really have the money for it. Hell I don't really have money for food, I realized the other day, I made some spanish rice that it is the third thing I have cooked on the stove in the year I have lived here. I cook pizza, eggs, and that rice. Everything else I can make in the microwave. I miss cooking, I miss having a bigger place, I miss having fucking money, I miss my old life!! I hate bitching about this over and over again, but its all that really goes through my head. How much I hate this shit, I try to make it better, make due with what I have, try to be happy but it all falls apart.

school....?

I haven't been thinking about blogging much lately, obviously the last couple post are all the same. So has all my days, bitch, moan, don't do much, and repeat. I've been poppin caffine pills, thats helped on curving my appetite so I'm not eating all the time. They aren't as fun as when I was a teenager and poppin them though.... I've been drinking those rockstar energy drinks since I am a rockstar and cause they taste good and give ya a good fucking kick in the heart, but they are not on sale anymore so I ended up buying a bottle of caffine pills to replace them. Cheaper and last a lot longer. But they just aren't the same, oh well. I've been thinking more about goin on for my RN instead of going on for an intermediate EMT since well I apparently can't get a job as one. But I figure with my luck I'll end up becoming an RN and the national health care thing will fuck that up for me.... Story of my fucking life waste my time money and everything to get something I want only to have my hopes fucking shattered. Love life, professional life, personal, everything sucks ass!!! Obviously my self-loathing is still nice and healthy, the one thing I can count on. I did get a haircut last week, I ended up bleaching it and spiking it up. I think it looks pretty good. But who knows, my opinion doesn't matter... ANyway back to school.... I was happier in school, it got me out, gave me something to do, I enjoy using my mind and I haven't used it since. So it has all that going for it. I'm prob gonna call tomorrow and see if I can set up an appointment for wednesday before I go to work to see how much I'd have to do after all my military shit. Hopefully it won't be too much. My plan was to be an EMT while I was in school though so I would be able to apply everything instead of only using books. I am better in hands on shit, oh well.

I have decided that even if Uncle Tom can't get together I am going to Oktoberfest this year. It will be my birthday present to myself. I hope that Tom gets some time off and I can visit with him and they can come with my but if not I'm still going.

Where is my mind...

My brain has been on vacation for some time now... And while it is away my body has been exibiting signs of depression. I have been having a hard time sleeping, I stay up til usually around 3, doing absolutly nothing. Nothing is on TV after 12, so I play games or surf myspace on the computer. I eat about 1 meal a day with a snack, which is a great contrast to my usual stuffing of my face, the meals I eat are usually a TV diner and a ramen noodle pack and about 3 liters of water. I don't really do anything all day, I get out of bed sometime between 11 and 2, go watch TV, try to work out but only end up doing some crunches, maybe lift my dumbells, then go back to TV. I haven't really felt depressed, I really haven't felt anything other than boredom. I pick up my guitar and play the same chords and little things over and over again. I have been craving alcohol and other drugs, I just wanna get fucked up, at least make not doing anything into an adventure or something. But as long as I don't leave my house I am unable to get my hands on such substances... I am not too much of a shut in, I went out Sat to watch UFC with my buddy and kept my cool, only had 3 beers and talked to a couple girls(nothing really interesting)... DUI is not the way I want to break the monotony, and as for the drugs, my luck after I poped or smoked anything is when I would get a call for an EMT job and not be able to pass a piss test, because that is my luck! But damn I have been out of the military for over a year and still haven't got stoned! At least I can stay strong in something.

But today was my sons last day of school, so I gotta call tomorrow and figure out when he's gonna come stay with me for the summer. I need to get some better food in the house for him, and will have to be getting up earlier to get him breakfast. Hopefully that will pick me up and get my mind back from its vacation.

Tryin to keep the clouds away...

SO I mentioned just a post or 2 about being glad to be keeping out of depression... Well it seems to keep getting closer and closer, like a storm on the horizon, I see the darkness and just keep hoping that maybe it'll end up just being clouds and the storm will pass without unleashing its fury on me. I think its just because the weather is getting cooler again and just kinda crappy and that leaves me stuck in the house, I am upset about spending money and working hard to be an EMT and can't get a job as one, I am begining to hate my job or at least the people I work with. I hate sitting here at home, my few friends are always at work, I seem to sleep til exactly 1130, that is when I roll over and look at the clock, I hate that when I play my guitar I always end up doing the same rhythm, I hate that I am not working out as much because I am not going to the gym, I hate that there is never anything good on TV, except for House and now that's over for the season. I hate that all of these things leaves me with my thoughts and they keep questioning me as too why I am alone, why I don't do something or make new friends. I hate that I get all these feelings but when I sit to write either here or in my notebook all that comes out is "I am Lonely". And the thing is I don't feel this way all the time. Most the times I am pretty happy I get up, see whats on, try to work out a bit, hit my punching bag, eat shower, check tv and computer, read a bit, play my guitar a bit... This is the begining to almost everyday and it quickly becomes monotonous, just like everything in my life. I think about going out, but then I spend money that I don't have and then I end up sitting by myself usually and feeling worse then if I just sat here.

I just need to become a rockstar and get my son and hit the road for the summer. Fuck Ohio, fuck the monotony, fuck boredom!!

Idiot.... Gosh

Fucking piece of shit "supervisor", yes I use quotations because it is only a fucking title, he is stupid and incompetant, doesn't know what the fuck to do and is unable to take fucking charge of shit!! I have grown to like the guy I work with and help take care of but the other people that work in the house are slower than him! I woke up nice and early this morning, the first time in quite a while. I haven't been sleeping too well but I've been sleeping til 1130 or so because well I don't have shit to do and I am up late fuckin around. But I have a meeting this morning so I wake up early get some breakfast and an energy drink and start my fucking day off, the only thing I have to do is a fucking meeting at 10. Lucky for his bitch ass I only live 2 blocks from the office, so I walked, I haven't moved my car since I worked Monday since gas is up to almost $4. So I get over there and sit for a while and people start coming in for a different meeting, so I called my "supervisor" and ask if the meeting was canceled. He says yeah, I said well thanks for calling me, I am at the office. He says he wrote it down at the house. I told him I haven't worked since Monday, remember you made the fucking scedule, gave me these shitty hours!! FUckin dumbass!!! So now I am gonna end up pissed and cranky all day because I didn't get much sleep and its started off pretty shitty.

On other news before I left I got to watch my beardies hump, at least someone is getting action in here! I'm not sure if I'm gonna get eggs this year. Homer is smaller than Marge, and the humping I saw, it didn't look like his hole could reach hers. But he humped for about a minuter then kinda fell asleep still biting her. It was funny as shit... I hope I get eggs!! Well since I am up I might as well do laundry and try not to kill anyone....

Grandpa...ME!?

Thats right in a couple months I may end up a grandfather. No my 6 year old son hasn't been gettin jiggy with anyone... DO the kids still say that? My bearded dragons are growing up and mating... I guess we named them right cuz Homer has been humping Marge. It started last week. Homers been going crazy running around, then I saw him biting Marges neck, so I seperated them and was mad. Well the next day he was on her back biting her. I seperated them again, then thought, hey it looked like he was humping her. So I went through my books and read that the male will bite the female on the neck to keep her from getting away... like father like son I guess...lol. But so yeah who knows in a month or so I might have some eggs, then a couple months later have some babies!! Hopefully someone in the family will take one or 2, so I can visit my grandkids, but the rest will get sold to the Pet store, I asked them today and they said they would buy them. They were sellin them for 60, I wonder how much they'll pay me. Hell I could use the money.

Any readers please recomend some books for me to read! I spent an hour at our crappy ass library looking for a good book to read. I went with a list but they didn't have any of them, so I walked up and down the non-fiction section and couldn't find anything that looked good. I need a Borders, they always has it set up so something would catch my eye. Sometimes I miss the city life! Our bookstore is a shitty little shop in the mall, it is barely a step up from the library's selection but I can't really afford to spend much cash. I guess gas prices jumped up again today, it is fucking rediculous! I've been walking as much as I could but its been rainy and cold lately, today has been the first nice day in bout a week! I'll probably go out rollerblading here tonight. Maybe try some grinding or jumps. My new blades are heavy as shit sompared to my old ones though. I just need some practice. I used to be good, jump trash cans and shit. I've never really grinded though, I've always been to scared of busting my balls.

But think I'm gonna update my mp3 player and watch some tv for a bit. I got a long boring week, nothing to do til Saturday when I work. Still no book and my damn cousin hasn't lent me those movies yet!!

Happy mama's day and I am still pretty evil...

So I just finished the Heroin DIaries, and the rest of the book is great, such a beautiful tradgedy. I have been coming up with pretty good lyrics and stuff lately, but I still can't fucking play and sing. I keep trying but as soon as I say 2 words I am off on my rhythm, it is hard as hell, the only one I can do is Johnny Cash- Hurt for some reason, but I can't do anything original. But later today I am going to take that book back to my cousin and borrow the new season of Entourage, he got me addicted to that show, it is pretty good. I just like the idea of one of my friends becoming rich and famous and being able to mouch off them! Obviously if I was the rich one I'd take care of my friends too. I've always said that I don't really care about money as long as we're having a good time. The only thing there would be as long as there is money set back for my son. But anyways now I finished my book and am bored, I need to find a new one. Nikki mentioned some in his book that he read while he was fucked, so maybe I'll pick up some of them. Or I've always thought about Dontes Inferno, I took a quiz about it, apparently I am still evil...

But it's mama's day and I need to get ready to hang out with family. Later


The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Extreme
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Extreme
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Extreme
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Extreme
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Extreme

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

The heroine Diaries

SO my dad said that the people across the street parked fucked up yesterday taking up all the space so after they left he did it, so apparently no verbal or physical altercations which is good cuz my dad would destroy all the punks that live there, it would be pretty funny to watch.

I am reading Nikki Sixx book, The Heroine Diaries the book is awesome! Seriously! I mean its fucked up but its nice to know that people go through some of the shit you've been through and you know its real and its got commentary after most entries about how the people feel today about it. It is crazy, dark , demented, and beautiful! I am really digging it! And I know I mentioned before his band Sixx:AM that he did a soundtrack to it that is equally as kick ass!! And I will be seeing them at Cruefest in Indy!! If you don't know who Nikki Sixx is, he's the bassist from Motley Crue and the book is diaries and scaps of peper he kept while he was living the rock and roll lifestyle and fighting his heroine addiction. Plus the graphics are great fucked up sketches, that I may be able to find my next tat out of! This book has helped me realize and analize parts of my life like I usually do way to much but I did realize that in my situation it is a big step that I have not really been depressed. I have been bored and lonely and kinda scared about my and my sons future but I have not been depressed and that is pretty cool. Now I just need to work on some confidence and motivation to fight and find me a better job and maybe a woman, even if they are trouble, I enjoy the company and entertainment. GAWD I wish I was a rockstar! Someday!!

Let the drama begin...

SO I was at work today and my mom called, I knew that she knew I was at work so I thought something was wrong, but she left me a message that my dad wanted me to park in the driveway, I thought ok whatever. Well I got home and dad had his 2 cars and moms car in front of the house spaced out so no other cars could fit, so apparently one of the neighbors pissed him off. It never good when someone pisses him off. Its weird cuz usually the people across the street hog the parking but most of them are college kids and gone now, there are only a couple left. I kinda wanna go down and ask but they are asleep so I am stuck waiting til tomorrow to find out what the hell is goin on. We've talked about doing it before but I told him no because they could do the same thing to us while we're at work. I am usually the one who gets fucked cuz I don't get home til 1130 when I work. But I am sure this will start a neighborhood war of some sorts and as I said my dad isn't one to piss off. He's like me calm and stuff most the time but has a bad temper. But more to come probably tomorrow...

Schools out for Summer...

SO I finished my finals yesterday!! I should have passed both that I went to. I am pretty sure I failed my Ethics class though. I guess I have none... Here's my beef with that though. SO I tried the last half of it, but the teacher kept giving me shitty grades on my papers. These papers have no right or wrong answers, I gave my opinion and even on the tests and quizzes, the questions have no right answers...NONE!!! But she still gave me failing grades!!What the fuck! And most of the questions weren't ethical, it all came down to what the protocol for the place you are working in has!! There were questions on the final about if a retired doc was dying and asked for a lethal dose of morphine... Obviously don't do it and refer them to Kavorckian! Stupid shit! But anways so today was my first day of summer. I got my new rollerblades, they are too small but I am stuck with them because they were the biggest size I could get, they are 12 1/2 and I need 13, hopefully I can break them in and they will be ok, or I can just cut a little hole for my big toe. I tiook them out and started to go around town and it started to rain so I had to come back home. I picked up my guitar for a while. I wish I could post some of the things I came up with online but I can't. I tried to do it on that pohone in thing on the side but it sounds like shit and you can't really hear it. I might head out here in a bit I think it stopped raining, go do my tagging... I need to start a rollerblade gang! I used to kinda have one when me and my friends would tear up the town. While I was out earlier I found some places I can try grinding but I need to find someone with a camera that way if I get hurt I can put it on scarred or americas funniest videos so I can get some money out of my pain. Mom was asking me about it today I told her I haven't broke anything yet and she reminded me of when I almost broke my arm and fucked my face up but of course I said almost only counts in horeshoes and hand gernades. But I am gonna go watch NOFX show and maybe go tear it up.

Cabin Fever!

I am in one of my moods, where I usually get myself in trouble. I think I have cabin fever or something. I am just going crazy. This is the feeling I used to get before I'd go out and get drunk and do stupid shit. I've been thinking about calling up my cousin and getting some illegal substances, why the fuck not I might as well fucking escape my reality for a little while. But no I have to resist. I've thought about buying some Beam and just chugging, but no I don't need to be doing that either. I've thought about going up to the bar but then I'll probably get drunk and since I am alone and feeling like this I'd probably start a fight. It sucks, I hate this fucking feeling. I am restless but have no one to talk to or anything to do. I've been surfing the internet almost all day. I went walking around town earlier. I tried to call my only 2 friends who were at work to hold my own intervention, they just got off and 1 said he was too tired and the other is workin overtime. I've played my guitar for like 2 1/2 hours, my fingers are killing me, and my hand is cramped. I was hitting my punching bag earlier.

While I was walking, I was thinking bout the past. I oredered new rollerblades online since my old ones broke, they should be here next week and I will probably be rollerblading around town all night. Its nice out! But anyways I walked by places I used to shred up when I was younger, the coffee shop I used to hang out at, the places uptown that used to be cool to hang out at, the eternal flame me and a buddy put out, and thought about how I always go through cycles of only a few friends. I know I need more, I can't always rely on the 2 I got but, they are good ones. They don't do drugs, they drink but not a lot, they keep me out of most trouble, where most of my older friends kinda fed into it. I don't know. I think I'm gonna go for another walk and prob stop up at the bar and maybe have a drink, maybe it will calm me down a bit. What the hell else am I gonna do. I haven't been sleepin well. Hopefully I won't get into trouble. I need to get my blades quick so I can burn off this energy!! Walking isn't as fun!

**update**

So I went for my walk and stopped up at the bar, there were some people from high school, no one I really got along with, no hot chicks so I got 1 drink and then kept walking. I ended up at the library. It is an old fort from the Indian days, there are 2 cannons that sit on the hill, facing the rivers, 2 rivers meet right there. The area has been underwater quite a bit this year. We even made CNN! Looking at the old cannons where everone has carved stuff into, even I had a couple times, I decided that I am gonna get a white out pen and a marker and I am gonna start tagging things with this website. Why not? Most anyone who will come will probably be teenagers, hopefully not the stupid ones. I have been trying to be somewhat of a mentor to all my younger cousins, let them know that even though things seem dire at that age, its not the end of the world. Life isn't all smiles and sunshine for me either, but its not worth moping around or hurting youyrself over, you know. Who knows maybe I can help other youths. But thats my plan of attack for now... And I stayed out of trouble!

Wrong number...

So lately since I have no reason to get up early other than my 11 oclock classes which means I have to be up by 10, I sleep in and its nice. Well here at 830 this morning my phone rings and wakes me from sleep, I didn't recognize the number so I answered it hoping it was about a job or something. They say hey and what am I doin and I sound rough, I said I just woke up and asked who they were. There was a silence and then they asked who I was. I said you fucking called me, who the fuck are you, and they hung up. Now this of course got my blood boiling and I couldn't go back to sleep. People do that all the time, they call the wrong number, start talking and then ask who they are talking to. What is their problem with introducing themselves and saying "Sorry I have the wrong number" like that is fucking hard. So now I am debating on whether or not to call the number back around midnight or 1 and ask who it is then, but then I may start a war or something and the person either sounded like a chick who smoked 2 packs a day or a boy going through puberty, and either way not really people I want to deal with. So my best bet will probably be to let it go. fuckers!

So my finals are monday, then no more class and I get to be bored like this all week long with my shitty work scedule. I crunched numbers and will probably keep this scedule through the summer though so I can spend it with my son. It sucks cause it's gonna eat up bout half my savings but I need to spend more time with him. Hopefully sometime this summer some place will need EMTs and I will be ready. I am really getting tired of my job, not because of the guy I take care of but the other people are pissing me off. There are chores that need to be done everyday, and the guy is supposed to do them, not us, well he is slow and doesn't do a great job. Well apparently people think I am supposed to do them and because it isn't spotless that we didn't do them and they leave bitchy notes and I just want to set them all on fire and laugh, except for the guy we take care of of course, hes been cool lately.

So my son has been saying how girls were gross and stuff, I showed him a pick of his first kiss, he was like 2 and crawled up on my exs friends girl and kissed her and I had a pic of it. He said he wasn't gonna kiss another one and I made a video of him betting me 1,000 he wouldn't kiss another one before he turned 16. This was on saturday. Yesterday, Tuesday, he called me and told me he asked his mom if he could have a girlfriend and she said he had to call and ask me. I said sure go ahead...lol. I told him though instead of him paying me 1,000 he just had to buy his own car. I figured I saved and paid 1,000 for my first car so can he. He was saying that a boy in his class thought a girl was sexy and his mom started yelling that he can't say sexy and stuff... When I was his age or close to it, I remember talki9ng about fucking girls. I think thats when I started grabbin girls asses and had a girlfriend who would wear a dress and we would swing and I would jump off the swing and look up her dress, that was somewhere around 1st or 2nd grade. And he is my son, soooo who knows. Gotta get ready for my last class before finals, we get to watch a movie...yay!

Saliva and Sevendust

SO yeah yesterday my buddy told me he was going over to Fort Wayne to see Saliva and Sevendust and asked me if I wanted to come. Of course I wasn't a hard sell, I was like hell yeah I aint doin shit anyway. It was him, his bro, and me in his truck and he had 3 other friends in another one. Well a couple of his friends in the other truck were already drinking alot (not the driver though) So we get there and in and they have chicks going around with trays of test tube shots at this place. They buy 2 trays, we do them and like 20 minutes later they want us to get another one, so we did and one of them was fucked! So I spent most of the opening bands trying to keep him from getting his ass beat and out of trouble. The opening bands were Overscene and Neverset, they were pretty good, unfortunately I couldn't give them my full attention. Same with Saliva because he kept disappearing and we had to try to find him, he was at the bar trying to get more drinks when he was out of money and couldn't get a card out. Thankfully they took him home at that point. So my buddy and his bro were back by the bar all night they didn't wanna get beat up or whatever, they are pretty big boys, almost my height and at least 50lbs on me. SO I was up bymyself for Sevendust, the guitarists kept trying to throw me guitar picks but they kept hooking and falling short. I was right up front there was like 3 people in front of me maybe. SO I went back and made my buddy come up, it took some talking and calling him a pussy and pulling him but he was happy when we got up there, we weren't getting shoved that much the pit was kinda close but not too close. The singer ended up throwing me a hand towel that I caught, then I ended up getting a pick finally but I gave it to my buddy for inviting me and coming up front with me. It was a good time. Unfortunately they wouldn't let cameras in. Oh yeah we did get to see some titties waiting for the encore, some chicks got up and was flashing. That kinda made the night just that much better...lol. Good times!

Your Vegas, Fiction Plane, and The Bravery

Sorry its taken so long but I have been busy as hell and I'll probably come back later to bitch more about that.

So Friday I went up to Toledo to take my EMT test, it sucked and I was very unsure about all of it, but I found out yesterday that I did pass!! It took me less than an hour and I had to kill 7 hours before the show. SO I drove around it was beautiful out, I found a shopping center and walked around it, I got to chill in a bookstore, it wasn't a borders or barnes and noble though so it wasn't as cool. I didn't find any books that grabbed my attention. I drove around trying to find others but couldn't find any, only bad neighborhoods so I went to the venue which had a bar attached that recently opened so I of course had some drinks while waiting. It was a good atmosphere, I played the video quiz thing for a while, trying not to drink too much.

First up was Your Vegas who was really good, the crowd dug them, I just hate how most people at shows don't really get into the opening acts since they don't really know them. I was jamming as usual. I also made some friends with some girls, so I was slightly distracted. And some underage chicks kept trying to get me to buy them drinks like I was a retard or something, dumbasses.

Next was Fiction Plane, By this time I made my was to center stage with my new friends. We were dancing and having a good time. Again people weren't getting into it, I never heard of anyone but the bravery but that doesn't mean that you can't show the band you dig them. The band definatly noticed my tall ass up front having a good time. The singer came over and gave me five and the drummer threw me a drum stick. I wanted to get it signed but they didn't come over to the merch table...

The bravery of course kicked ass yet again! I was pissed at myself I didn't charge my camera before I left and my battery kept dying when I was trying to take pics, I did get a few but most were blurry apparently it didn't want to use its antishake. Of course everyone was jumping, dancing and having a great time for the bravery. They mostly played songs from their new album but did play a couple from their self titled. They didn't turn the lights up so we stuck around waiting for an encore but then they started tearing down. I was kinda mad, but oh well. It was still a great show as I expected. Well back to homework, I will prob be back later with a bitchy post...

I'm a loser....

SO I didn't win gambling. I lost 200, my parents ended up breaking out even. They lost a shitload yesterday but dad won big today, he ended up winning about 1000, after spending some more he said he was even. I lost 100 quick yesterday so then I went to the pool and hot tub and soaked for a while, then I got bored and went back out and won some of it back but then I lost it all today.

In other news, my substance abuse teacher thinks I should be a writer, we had papers due last weeks about an article she handed out. The article was about keeping drugs illegal but the writer was a dumbass and all I did was explain how stupid he was and how sick it made me to think that someone like him got paid to write shit like that. I explained that I write blogs and stuff and don't get paid shit for it and my writing is way better than his. She said that I should write, I asked her if she was gonna pay me for it but she said no...

So tomorrow I go to take my test!! And see the Bravery again. I am seriously thinking about getting a motorcycle, I wish I could get a harley but I'll probably get a little POS hopefully a little better than a moped. Gas is up almost to 350 now, I am tired of it!! It is rediculous. If I spend 1 or 2 grand it should pay for itself in miles per gallon by the end of summer, I just need to get a motor liscense and crap. I'll prob go shop around next week since I work this weekend. But thats all for now, I'll prob post some pics and stuff from the concert sometime this weekend.

Ups and downs

Like usual I have been in a slump, just feeling BLAH!!!! yes with exclamation. My online class is going horribly, I am gonna fail and my teacher hates me, she told me to drop it before I failed but I didn't get the message til after it was too late, she pretty much nicely called me a piece of shit and pissed me the hell off but I have to try to at least get a D- and pass! I passes my EMT final today!!!! Now I just have to take the National registry, I'm gonna try to do it Friday cuz its up in toledo and I'm going up friday anyway to see the Bravery again! I am excited for that but again I am goin alone and that kinda sucks! I need my concert buddies! In DC for the screaming bands I had Chris, and the others I could usually talk Uncle Tom or Canowine to go with me, then when they left I could usually drag HB to most of them, here my few friends work 2nd and can't go unless its a sat night and I either have to work or have my son on weekends. But whatever, I am a loner and will survive, who knows maybe I'll talk to someone...HA yeah right, the problem here is most are little teenie boppers. but whatever. Tomorrow is my parents anniversary, I am taking them to the casino to gamble, since that is all they really like to do is get away. So hopefully we will all win money! I need to start working on my resume again and find a better job as an EMT!! I Am now gonna have tuesdays to myself, but I am getting nervous with school ending, my other classes end in May and that means no more GI bill money, thats what has been paying my bills!! So I definately need a better job and might have to keep the one I have now and work nights or something, I can't beat getting paid to sleep. It shouldn't be too bad since I won't need to write papers or do homework anymore.... But those are the few things stresin me at the moment, hopefully all will continue to fall into place. Or better yet I win a shitload of money tomorrow and find another hot chick who also won a shitload and we live happil ever after!!! Well I would like to complain about more but I need to write a paper and sign up for my national test!

Aggrevating day!!

Well it started bad because I had to get up at 7, I hate getting up before 9. Got up, got ready adn stuff for school. My dad brought me a package from Uncle Tom that came yesterday with shot glasses and some sweets. That was the best part... Went to school, there are a couple annoying people in my class and they were extra annoying all day long. I was starting to get pissed. I passes our skills and only have one more class left for that. SO it was pretty nice out so I decided to go to our state park to run outside, well my headphones kept falling out of my ears and making me slow down, almost fell once and well just pissed me off! SO I come home and have papers to write. I wrote one and decided to check on my online class because I slack on it and find out I am on the line of failing and had a paper due the other day so I bullshitted my way and turned it in late. My computer has been acting up lately, it will say its loading web pages forever and never actually load them. I have been scanning and doing all kinds of crap to fix it somehow. I went to check my phone and for some strange reason I don't have service in my house, I hope its just a temporary thing with a tower or something. I am also looking for the best headphones to run with, I think I need some old school ones with the headband. But I tell you what I could go for a Beam and coke about now. Well I gotta get back to scanning some more to fix this piece of shit!!

Ludo

Yesterday I saw a video on Fuse for a band called Ludo, The video is "Love Me Dead" Check it out....



I just finished watching them online, performing in San Antonio for a final four thing. They finished with a cover of Faith No More- Epic, that was funny and cool! I got their CD yesterday and listened to it quite a bit today, it is GREAT!! Pick up "You're Awful, I Love You"!! It is good rock, funny lyrics, great sound. I have a couple songs on my player on the side, you just have to scroll down to the bottom.

Rememberance

SO tomorrow marks a year since my uncle died and the begining of the worst month of my life. I thought about looking back and reading but to be honest I am afraid to. I went to his grave today for a while. I miss him, he could have had such a better life if he wouldn't have kept doing fucking drugs. And What did I do to mourn his death, I solate myself and drink more, when I was already drinking quite a bit. Only to be hit again by my great grandpa dying. I remember the funerals, I remember the long drives back and forth from MAryland to Ohio. I remember leaving directly from my uncles funeral and having to drive to be back and at work the next day and having the guy chasing me and being a dick, I remember the rage inside of me and planning the way I would beat the person to death, visualizing his blood on my hands. I remember the tears streaming down my face. I remember them playing taps at my grandpas funeral. I remember the sloppy way of the old men folding the flag. I wanted to knock them out of the way and fold it right, but remembering they were old and couldn't move as sharp as they once could. I remember being upset that they handed it to my uncle. I wonder if this April is going to be as bad.

Of course nothing is really new for me. I got my hair cut today. I don't look like a bum as much. I've been playing with my loop pedal and my guitar, I tried to put some on the snapvine on the side but it doesn't sound too good from the amp to the phone, it sounded good though. I liked it. I keep trying but I am not talented enough to sing and play. I have been writing quite a few songs lately but I can't sing em, I can't make up a melody for some reason. I guess I just don't have the talent. Not that its gonna stop me though. Who knows maybe I'll find people to help me put it all together. I could be like Nikki Sixx and write and play and have someone else sing, I can scream back up or something. I can at least dream. Speaking or dreams, I have ben having crazy ones about my exwifes family trying to get me and shit. I haven't seen or talked to them. And there was one where I was leaving a military base and was attacked by a panther that was trying to eat me. He was knawing on my legs.